GaPJaxie Reviews · 4:31am May 22nd, 2015
So, tonight's kind of boring. Not much to do. Don't really feel like writing.
Sigh. Fine. I guess if there's really nothing else to do.
Time to judge others.
Stories gets a score of Wretched, Poor, Average, Good, or Great, plus a quick summary and a detailed review. Reviews are not spoiler-free, but should not ruin any mystery or suspense.
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Story #1: The Iron Horse
Overall Score: Average
Summary:
A lack of nuance, subtly, or proper pacing sadly drags down what otherwise promises to be an interesting and intelligent character piece.
I once heard try to define the difference between a novice, a student, and a master. He said that a novice was someone who doesn't know what to do or how to do it, a student is someone who knows what to do but not how to do it, and a master is someone who knows what to do and how to do it. By that standard, The Hat Man is a student, because he clearly knows what to do to create a really interesting and engaging character exploration piece—but sadly, there are many points where he struggles to actually pull it off.
This story focuses around the titular Iron Horse and its development as a character, along with a small host of OCs created to round out the Mane 6's reactions to this strange new device. Invoking the memory of stories like I, Robot and Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, the story attempts to address the question of if a robot could be taught friendship, with a side theme of the various pony characters reactions to the idea and the machine itself.
This core premise of a character and discovery driven narrative is where the story really shows its strengths. The OCs are entertaining, and posses unique and interesting powers without being Mary Sues. The Mane 6's reactions are varied, but all feel reasonable and in-character. Celestia makes an appearance, and is used surprisingly effectively. Perhaps most importantly, the characters feelings and opinions evolve response to new evidence, the opinions of others, or just over time. Nopony feels like the designated idiot-ball holder or Token Luddite, and even the characters who are hostile to the idea have reasonable justifications for their actions, acting like people instead of cardboard antagonists.
Sadly, this is also where the story shows its weaknesses, because these reactions go by so quickly we hardly get to see them—much less develop any empathy for them. Characters express strong views only to change their minds five minutes later. Interesting OCs are given detailed introductions, and then (literally) put on a train and hustled out of the story. Everything that happens is reasonable, it just happens so fast there's no time to savor it, to see the subtly in their opinions, or even to take a breath. This story is full of clever scenes with interesting setup and implications, but they have basically no emotional impact on the reader because they're gone before we can appreciate them.
I'd be willing to bet good money that The Hat Man is a talented but inexperienced writer. His writing is very rough around the edges, but he clearly understands what themes make a story interesting, and what character interactions can drive it along. The Iron Horse is sadly only average, but The Hat Man got a follow from me just because I'm curious to see how he'll improve over time.
Story #2: The Changeling of the Guard
Overall Score: Good
Summary:
A simple character-driven plot serves as an excellent vehicle for showcasing the hilarious main character and his friends. Don't let the adventure tag fool you, this is slice-of-life comedy.
There's a character in this story. His name is Idol Hooves. He is a changeling, and he is hilarious. If you agree with that assessment, you'll love this story, because it gives poor Idol plenty of things to react to in ways that will have you giggling like an idiot. If you do not agree, you'll hate this story, because that's pretty much all there is to it. It's a one pony show. A one bug-horse town. The law firm of Idol, Idol, Idol, and Hooves.
That's not to say there aren't other good characters in the story. Idol's companions, friends, and co-workers are all well characterized and written. However, they're primarily there to give Idol something to bounce off of. They don't really have arcs of their own, or interact with the setting in any major way. They're pony he encounters along his comedic (and often painful) journey—the straight men for setting up his jokes.
Normally, that would earn a stern look from me, but The Changeling of the Guard gets away with it simply because those jokes are really funny. Idol is a great deadpan narrator, and his ability to seamlessly switch from being funny to being serious prevents the humor from overstaying its welcome. Vdrake clearly knows what makes a good comedy, applying the more zany moments in moderation so the humor has staying power.
In a lot of ways, this story reminded me of some of the early books in the Diskworld series that were still focused on Rincewind. Sadly, I can't put it in the same league as those books, because the Diskworld series also has excellent world development, while The Changeling of the Guard focuses on its characters to the exclusion of all else. Still, it's that sort of humor, and it remains as effective here as it was then.
Story #3: Fifty Shades of Brad
Overall Score: Good
Summary:
A wolf in sheep's clothing, this story draws you in with the promise of clean laughs and dirty jokes. Then once you're off guard, it punches you in the gut.
There's very little I can say about the details of this story that won't spoiler it, so this review will be brief. First, let me be clear: this is a horror story. It is mis-tagged in a way I can only assume is intentional, leaving the reader unawares of what is about to hit them. And oh boy, does it hit. If you're a fan of low-key horror, you will like this story.
Now, it does bear emphasizing that the horror is low-key. We never see it in the text, and the reader is left to infer a lot of what has occurred. This fits with the fact that Fifty Shades of Brad is a short story. It's not here to entice you, bedazzle you, or woo you with descriptions. It's here to say, "Hey, wanna see some cute Human/Pony shipping?" And then when you lean in to look, it smashes your face into the computer screen and leaves.
But, you know. In an enjoyable way. If you're into that.
Story #4: Life is a Lemon
Overall Score: Good
Summary:
The seemingly absurd premise of a pony who thinks she's a lemon allows the story to veil itself in metaphor, leaving nothing quite clear until the final dramatic conclusion. An effective twist on a classic slice-of-life story.
Calling all the way back to the start of this review, Life is a Lemon is basically the anti-Iron Horse. Where Iron Horse has interesting ideas it struggles to do anything with, Life is a Lemon is based around simple and often-trod Slice of Life ideas—but it executes on them so well that it easily slides into my upper tier of stories. With a brilliant framing device, strong pacing, and memorable characters, Life is a Lemon was easily my first pick when I decided I wanted to give a positive review to a slice of life fic.
Now that's not to say it's without its flaws. As I said, while the execution is brilliant (including framing, setup, pacing, characters, etc), the core idea of the story is nothing we haven't seen before. The premise will likely also give some readers trouble, as the story requires you to just bear with it for some time before the bit climatic resolution. Finally, the supporting characters are sometimes used a bit brusquely—telling instead of showing However, none of the flaws are really significant. The concealment of what's going on until the end of the story prevents the core narrative from feeling old, it's engaging enough it's not hard to stick with it to the end, and the supporting cast does the job they're there to do in a story that is heavily focused on its protagonist.
There's not much more I can say about the story without spoiling it, so I'll just encourage you to go read it. However, I will add one final note that this story was quite difficult for me to rank. I kept wanting to give it a final score of "Great," but then wondered if it really ranked up with the select few in that category. Then I wanted to give it a final score of "Good," but I couldn't really find many flaws I wanted to critique. While you can see what decision I made in the end, I think it's best to say that this story is great at being what it is. I can't think of a better example of the archtype, and I'd encourage anyone who enjoys Slice of Life to give this a read.
Disclosure: I'm a huge Blueshift fan. Full disclosure: I am, at this moment, holding Blueshift hostage in my secluded mountain cabin after breaking both his legs, forcing him to write additional horsewords.
If you could, may you do a review on my fic? It's called Wibbly-Wobbly Timey-Wimey? Nope, Just Max. It's not complete yet but I would still like someone to review it so I know why some people like it.
3087365
I don't read Mature stories, sorry! But it sounds like what you need is less a review and more an editor. Someone to give you critical feedback as you write.
3087371 But I know my writing is crap! I can't fathom why they like it!
I know a few things I could add to it, but I'm going to wait until the story's finished up to where I want it to be to add those things.
There isn't anything I would call sex in it, but there's a lot of mature humor in it. I put a mature rating on it just for that humor.
Thanks so much for this review! Really made my day to see someone give me a good couple paragraphs of thought about it.
And if I'm making you giggle like an idiot, then I have done my job.
Out of simple curiosity, I'm toying with the idea of short-term perspective changes for future chapters; Topaz and Honey, maybe even Shining at one point. Good idea, or do you think I should let that one go and stick with the more 'stranger in a strange land' telling from Idol's perspective?
I like that you don't summarize the story, but the review. :D
3087821 Careful PP, he might start challenging you
I'd be interested you both do a take on the same fic though. I suspect you're similar in some respects but really different in others.
3087840
I get Jaxie gets more into the mechanics than I do. :B
Nice reviews. The only thing I would do differently is put the author of each story somewhere, unless you're purposely excluding them so that your followers focus on the stories themselves, not who wrote them.
3087671
I think that could work, as long as you keep in mind that without Idol's humor holding center stage, something else has to hold the audience's attention. A different kind of humor, perhaps. Or good worldbuilding. Or actual adventure #Mistagged.
3087840
3087849
I was actually about to review Bonafide when I saw PP had already done it. I could give it a shot though!
3087890
I link to the stories, but that's a good idea.
3087992
uhwellyoushouldtotallyreaditsirIthinkyesokay
Hello! Hat Man here, author of "The Iron Horse," here with my response. Ahem...
The response to the story has actually been overwhelmingly positive, and, having just joined FiMFiction a few months ago, I've been riding high. Coming from a background where you're the best writer in your circle of friends and giving advice to younger, less-experienced writers can really make you feel like you've got it all figured out. So I get my first detailed critical review and the report is "Average" and my now-inflated ego goes like:
) I've been writing for a long, long time. I wrote my first fanfic fifteen years ago. However, when people never give you criticism, you become blind to your own faults.
stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/3034631/pinkie-pie-deflating-hair-o.gif
It's hard medicine to take, especially since I'm not actually "inexperienced" in the typical sense of the word. (But I'll take the compliment on "talented."
In other words, while my ego is smarting, my rational mind is thrilled to get some constructive criticism. I'd say that your review is FAIR. Thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time to say something. It reminds me that you're never too old to learn something.
Honestly, I'm thrilled to read this:
Getting characters right is hugely important to me. I can't stand bad characterization. The most fun thing about writing for me is seeing the characters play off one another. Recognition for doing that well really makes me happy.
But I've always known my kryptonite: pacing. Always, always the pacing! It's easy to think that maybe it's not a problem when nobody comments on it, as I've said. But I knew better. It's why Twilight and Rarity got such short development arcs, but Rainbow Dash got 4 chapters of it. That was me realizing I needed to slow down. I thought maybe I was in the clear. And yet, sure enough:
Ouch.
Still, that's a good pain, since it means I can finally learn from it and use it to make my little robot pony story that much better.
I do have some questions that I'll leave to PMs, but I'll end this response by saying that I genuinely appreciate the time and thought that went into the review and I will take it to heart as I go forward. The story actually has a good while to go before it is complete, so there's plenty of time to grow it and improve in the areas that need fixing. When it comes around to the end, I hope you and anyone else reading it will be glad to update it from "Average" to "Good" or even "Great." Thanks for the follow; I'll make sure not to disappoint.
Ah, yes, "Fifty Shades of Brad."
It's the single best thing D G Davidson has ever written, on account of it is the only story he wrote where he managed to keep his weird sexual, romantic, and social politics out of it.
A slice-of-lemon story, am I right?