LiAB Review 12: Prane's "Stage Revival" · 1:23am May 19th, 2015
Author: Prane
Featured Story: "Arcane Realms" (Top ranked, 18 May, 2015)
Least viewed story at that time: "Stage Revival"
Completion: Fully read, including prequel
Tags Listed: Slice of Life
Three Word Summary: Trixie Moves On
Ooh... finally, a Spike story at the top of the featured box! And it features Spike being not-completely-incompetent, no less! I can't wait to... Oh. Yeah. That's not how this review series works.
Sigh and alas. Regardless, Let's roll up our sleeves and get to work. It can't be that bad, can it?
So, I have a confession to make, you guys.
I'm not a big Trixie fan. It's been difficult for me... I've lost a lot of friends because of it, and my own parents won't even return my calls anymore. There is no cure for people like me. But someday, with help, I may be able to lead something resembling a normal life.
I don't hate her, per se. I just don't really care about her. On the positive side, this allows me to review Trixie stories from a completely unbiased viewpoint. Trust me, all you authors out there: I don't hate your story just because it's about Trixie. I hate it because you're a terrible writer! NOW THANK MEEEE
And as it just so happens, today's bolt of lighting has struck a Trixie fic. Onward!
Mini-Review of Prane's "Where Fillies Fear To Tread"
Wait. This isn't the right fic. What's going on here?
Ah, yes. Another sequel. This is swiftly becoming "A Thing." Fortunately, like last time, the prequel to today's story is short and sweet.
Sickly-sweet, perhaps. I'm a sucker for stories about adorable little children, especially when they pull grown-ups into their own worlds of creativity and imagination. So what happens when the child in question just happens to be one of the most self-centered, arrogant, blowhards in all of Equestria? Surprisingly bittersweet, as it turns out. The Great and Powerful Trixie is known for thinking very highly of herself, and attributing herself with phenomenal powers and abilities. But it's hard to get angry with her when she's just a filly. It is a child's full time job to imagine things as being greater than they are. This brief little story is so thoroughly wholesome and adorable (possibly even"adora-bubble") that I was half expecting a monstrous twist ending. Maybe Trixie falls down and breaks a leg or something, or comes home to discover that her whole family was eaten by crazed weasels. Something like that. What has this fandom done to me?
Fear not, for this story is completely wholesome. But even though nothing explicitly terrible happens, I still felt a touch of melancholy. We see where her penchant for telling exaggerated stories originated from: every bump in the road is a mountain range, every pile of pebbles is an avelanche, and every square inch of her back yard is a vast uncharted wilderness. Yet when a grown adult does the same thing, it's arrogant and selfish.
There were a couple details that left me wanting. We never discover why Celestia was standing there. I assume the meeting was random and unexpected, but there's nothing in the story that hints at it. I would have been happy if Celestia acted just a little surprised when the tiny filly sneaks up behind her. Also, Near the climax of their "adventure," Trixie suggests that Celestia should be the one to defeat the "dragon." She shows a hint of doubt in her abilities as a dragonslayer. I think it would have been better for her to show a hint of doubt in her imagination, with hints of the real world seeping into the story she's crafted (Maybe it turns out Trixie is terrified of cats, has horrible allergies, or what-have-you. Some reason for her to prefer it as a dragon). As it is, she doesn't seem truly hesitant: she's just pretending for the sake of the story. When Celestia encourages her not to give up, she's actually urging her not to give up on the wonder of being a child. It tells Trixie that her imaginary world isn't just a silly, pointless game. I'm sure this was the author's intent, but tweaking just one or two lines of Trixie's dialogue would have brought it home much more effectively: Just as Trixie's faith in her own imaginary world begins to crumble, Celestia is there to encourage her talent for daydreaming and storytelling.
Ahh, whatever. I still had a grand old time reading this story. There were no (serious) technical errors with the overall spelling or grammar, and any complaints I might have about the author's voice are relatively minor. I would have preferred subtler descriptions and more natural-feeling dialogue, but I always end up saying that no matter what story I review. And regardless, the "storyteller" style narrator more than makes up for it: it feels like this story is actually being read to us by a third party. Yes, I've complained about "chatty narrators" in other stories. Like all literary devices, it can be done well or poorly depending on the author. In this case, I enjoyed it well enough.
For it's short length and adorable premise, I give this story a silver star and a bag of cookies. If you're reading this, go check it out.
Review of Prane's "Stage Revival"
This story serves as a sequel to the previous, occurring a decade and a half after. It's not absolutely necessary to read them in order, but they're both short enough to take in one sitting so there's not much excuse to skip ahead. I'm especially curious to know if the author's writing ability has improved overmuch in the intervening time! After all, a lot can change in...
...One month? That recent?
Hm. Will this just be more of the same?
Style and Voice
Ahh, first person. I was actually curious about how the previous story would have sounded in first person.
Oh, hey. I'm not the only one who calls her "Beatrix." Is that a thing now? Does everyone do that?
Ooh... lots of stage-play lingo being tossed about here. Is the author have a background in theater, or did they just do their homework? Either way, I approve.
Okay, okay, okay. Let's break for a minute. I need to say something I've never said before. I'm not even two thousand words in, and this story already has a large number of "show-don't-tell" moments. AND THAT IS A GOOD THING. Yes, you heard it here first, folks: Duncan R. has publicly admitted that "telling" can sometimes be better than "showing".
Trixie starts the story by auditioning for a part in a stage play. It switches between her dialogue spoken from the script, and her internal monologue. She's thinking about where she's standing on stage, how loudly she's speaking, which lines are coming up... she's dumping a ton of info on the reader about what an actress is thinking when she's acting. This is a giant infodump about acting techniques. And yet each of these "infodumps", while interesting on their own, also provides a more important service to the narrative.
As an example, here is the first line of her audition, followed by her inner thoughts about the delivery:
“Lucky are those who can sleep at night! Their souls know no trouble, nor they know fright!”
Stupid! That’s way too loud for a confined space like that. You’re not performing in the fresh air, and the acoustics inside are far from what you’re used to. Far from being perfect, or even acceptable by some standards as well. Doesn’t matter. Compensate. You want to be audible, not uproarious.
Stop and think about this for a moment: Trixie Lulamoon is scolding herself for speaking too loudly. This seems like the opposite of what we'd expect from her. She's a loudmouthed blowhard, after all. It tells me that her attitude and personality have changed dramatically since last we saw her. It also emphasizes that she has extensive experience as a stage actor, but that she's inexperienced with indoor theaters. She's both in and out of her element. Why is she here? Why is she auditioning for a play, and not promoting her own magic show? Has she given up on being an individual performer? If so, why?
She's got several more segments like this, and each of these little inner monologues serves a purpose. She knows to control her voice. She knows not to bump into the edge of the spotlight. She knows to vary her line delivery based on what the script requires. She knows the character well enough to understand their personal arc. She draws upon her own personal experiences--painful experiences, still fresh in mind--to inspire her performance.
Taken literally, the story isn't showing us anything. It's flat out telling us about the technical aspects of acting. But this is no tedious, boring, flavourless infodump. Sure, these segments pile on a heap of technical information for the reader to abosrb, but it also reveals character and advances the plot. In an entertaining and captivating manner, no less!
Aaaaand then the scene in the story transitions without warning. The story just skips ahead what I assume is a few months into the future. We go directly from an audition for a trio of overly-critical professionals to a crowded live performance of canterlot's elite! The scene transitions mid dialogue, and catches us entirely by surprise! I can perfectly picture the
Oh, wait. She's imagining it. The cheering crowd is all in her head. Funny that I'd get swept away in the excitement of the story at the exact same moment that the character in the story does. Wow, that's... huh. That's a pretty good trick.
AAAAAH I'm not the only one who refers to France as "Prance"! It's not just me! Is that a thing? How common is that?
Style and Voice
There are little things about the writing style--manners of speech, choices of phrase, the personality of the narrative--that would have frustrated me had another author attempted the same thing. But for some reason, this story manages to strike the perfect balance between extravagant language and subtle portrayals. I complemented the prequel for employing a "chatty" narrator, giving it a personality and character all it's own. This story deserves not just a complement, but genuine praise. It was a pleasure to see the author produce a story in First Person perspective, as it clearly plays to their strengths.
Characters and Plot
This story is absolutely on point with it's portrayal of Trixie, but it's a Trixie you're not quite familiar with. She's midway through a significant change in her life and is still struggling to put her demons behind her. And since this is the entire purpose of the story, that's no mean feat. I don't normally care much about Trixie but this story still managed to sweep me along and draw me in with considerable force. I should also like to point out that Celestia--who was merely adequate and functional in the previous story--managed to bring her A-game to the stage this time. She was portrayed much more effectively, and it was absolutely charming to see her interacting with a much older and more mature Trixie. Taking the prequel into consideration, it absolutely reinforces the idea that Celestia simply doesn't age as other ponies do. All without shoving it down your throat.
As for the plot itself, it's a marvelous followup. While the previous story had a child-like feel to it, this story is clearly written with a more mature attitude and personality in mind. It feels like a natural and satisfying outgrowth. It even grants a bit more insight and closure regarding the events of the previous story. A wonderful, slice-of-life, E-For Everypony story that shows us a moment hope for the future.
And yet, those last two lines... Is this really a happy ending? Or has Celestia unwittingly made the same mistake twice? Genuinely chilling, if you ask me.
Technical Issues
So... yeah.
“[...]Once again, thank you for your interest in our play. That would be all!”
Shouldn't he say "That will be all"? Tense feels kinda off to me.
It was a small theater owning its name to its location away from the Promenade, far from the pulsating artery of the city where wealth spoke louder than words.
I think you mean "owing." Not "owning".
The Battle of the Glade was one of the most fiercest encounters in my life, and if it wasn’t for her bravery we would not be standing here quoting the regulations.
You, uh... you can just say "fiercest". "Most fiercest" is redundant.
...I feel like such an asshole.
So there are a couple minor errors sprinkled throughout the story. A few unusual choices of tense. All very minor quibbles. Heck, you probably found more errors in this review of mine than I did in both of Prane's stories combined. Nothing capable of pulling me away from enjoying the story. And that's the gauge I use for judging my enjoyment of a story: Was it good enough that I didn't notice the errors?
The short answer is Yes.
The Long answer is "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees."
God, I loved this story. Loved every minute of it. There's plenty of stories I've liked, and liked a lot, but this might be the first pony fic I've read--even outside of my review series--that I not only liked, but loved. I'm certain that a lot of my reaction depends on my personal preferences... not only because of my reaction to the plot and characters, but the style of writing. I believe that ideas are cheap, and execution is all that matters. This story has both. This is an objectively good, thoguhtful, well-crafted story. Whatever problems I may have with it will require only one simple solution: Please, Prane, continue to write. Your craft will naturally improve, and the community will be enriched thereby.
Final Thoughts
In case I haven't mentioned it: I think this story is very, very, very good.
Good gravy. If this is Prane's least viewed story, I shudder to imagine what his MOST viewed story is like. How can he have only three hundred and twelve followers? It's an utter travesty. Well now he has three hundred and thirteen followers. Congratulations, Prane. You are responsible for writing my favorite story to date.
Have a trophy.
Now excuse me while I go read Arcane Realms. Not for a review, or anything. Just for fun.
...Is that what it's called? "Fun?" Am I using that word correctly?
It's a bit of an archaism, but using a comparative adverb (more, most, etc.) with a superlative to further intensify it is something you can do. With the style of dialog used in the story, it's probably fine.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for reviewing not one, but two of my stories!
Your style is clear and enjoyable to read, I think the way you approach your review series is a neat initiative, and it gave me personally the feedback I needed. Stage Revival is one of my most recent projects which didn't get much publicity, and at some point it felt really discouraging too see a three week's worth of work and consideration being less popular than a silly one-shot about Starlight Glimmer which has been done in three or four days. So amidst people rallying around that Spike fic, you gave me what I craved for. Seeing someone take interest in that story means a world to me.
Regarding Where Fillies Fear to Tread - this story was written for the Everfree Northwest Pre-Con Contest where the upper word limit there was 3,000. It was a massive challenge to cut some needless bits out to fit it without making the story seem half-baked, but that's the reason why things that could have enriched the story aren't there.
I'll tell you a secret. In one of my first drafts there was meant to be a dark, twist ending, where it turns out that Celestia was imagined as well and the whole adventure happened only in Trixie's head, but at some point I discovered that the story is pretty warm (adora-bubble!) overall and I would be a cruel person for shattering a filly's dreams.
Then came Stage Revival because several people enjoyed the idea of having Celestia and Trixie meet again. I like to think that after the fiasco with the Alicorn Amulet she left her stage persona of the Great and Powerful Trixie and started using her full name--Beatrix is such a fine name, but its equivalent sucks in my language--while pursuing other activities, or rather applying her natural storytelling skills to those activities. I once read someone's story about Trixie leading a filly theatre group in Ponyville, and I figured that she could become a great actress as well.
Myself, I have no background in the theatre, I just kept googling for stuff I needed for the story! Les Célestians in Prance is a reference to an actual place, and the OC actors which according to Trixie formed the modern theatre are also based on real people: Cherry Cushion, Lucy Buckstone, and Drinkwater Meadows are equivalents of Charlotte Cushman, Lucy Isabella Buckstone, and... Drinkwater Meadows (what a name for a pon--erm, a man, right?). That's one of the things I love about writing: you can learn so much about the world while doing your research!
Once again, thank you for your review, kind words, trophies, cookies and all that stuff. I will do my best to improve!
Quite a rec! I'm going to have to take a look myself.
3079558
Good to know! I had a sneaky suspicion that it was grammatically correct, and I was just unfamiliar with it.
3079919
Thanks for writing them :)
I'm so glad to hear this. I worry that some of my other reviews have a tendency to ramble on, or aren't very useful. It's easy to have opinions... not so easy to express them coherently.
Don't let it get you down. Remember, the Featured Box doesn't list what's good. Only what's popular. Shorter stories with popular tags or premises will usually win out over longer, more thought-provoking stories. Especially stories that are harder to categorize, or posted by newer writers with fewer followers.
I started this series to see if I could "debunk" the featured box, but I've decided that it's not really broken or flawed. It's doing exactly what it was intended to do. If you use a hammer to pound a lightbulb into a socket, you can't really blame the hammer for what happens. :)
Ouch... I remember having to trim down my own entry for that same contest. I still regret changing the ending at the very last minute.
You're a writer, dear. You've got to kill your darlings.
Hm... if Luna can enter your dreams at night, can Celestia do the same with your daydreams? Also, I think it makes it even sadder when we learn that Trixie remembered Celestia, but none of the adults believed her. I wonder if she was scolded or punished for "telling fibs" about meeting the princess. That could be pretty dark if you handled it right.
You know, if you said you made that name up yourself, I think I would have scolded you for being too ridiculous and absurd. This is what fiction has to compete with: reality.
Best of luck to you! And never worry about your story's viewcounts, or how many followers you have. Seriously. I've had a couple stories featured on EQD: The attention never lasts long, and it's never as satisfying as I'd like. It's much better to have a couple more dedicated fans and fellow writers: people you know will leave thoughtful and useful comments.
Write because you love to write. It's the only good reason. I know it sounds like wishy-washy feel-good tripe... but it's honestly true.
3081340
If you decide to read it, please let me know your own reaction to the story. I wouldn't normally worry about other people's opinions on my opinions, except I'm doing a review series. I'd like to know whether my advice and recommendations are on target.
3081861
I'll try to remember, but honestly with the Writeoffs in progress I might not get to it for a while. Poke me in a week or three if I haven't said anything.
3081861
Responding to the request directed at Horizon:
I found both stories to be enjoyable, particularly "Where Fillies Dare to Tread." I wouldn't, however, rate them as highly as you did, although I do think that they were very well written and offered a compelling version of Trixie (don't care for "Beatrix" myself) and a Celestia that I like more than the one the show's given us. I recall at one point being pulled out of things by the impression that Celestia (in "Stage Revival") simply sounded too old-fashioned in her speech. Perhaps we have different engagement levels at which we cease to notice editing errors, but at some point in "Stage Revival" I had come to the suspicion that Prane might not be a native English speaker, due to lapses in tense and number. Still, the editing was pretty solid, certainly not reaching the point where it was harming readablility.
3081861
Nah, it's good to be reminded of that from time to time.
3081898
He most certainly isn't.