Badfic Slaughterhouse #22 · 12:47am May 16th, 2015
When the Badfic Slaughterhouse opens, Prak will sit on his glorious throne. All the stories will be gathered before him, and he will separate the fics one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep (goodfics) on his right and the goats (badfics) on his left.
Then he will pull a gilded lever, and the badfic goats will be cast into the grinder while the Angels cheer their demise.
Amen.
The Technological Technicolor Technomare, by Tatsurou
Tags: Comedy, Crossover, Slice of Life
Rating: Everyone
Length: 47,705 words (Status: Complete – 24/24 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: It’s like My Little Dashie, except Dash is found by Tony Stark and gets her own suit of armor.
Review: With only days to go until the release of Avengers: Age of Ultron, I figured might as well have a look at this story. I don’t really know what I expected, to be honest. I mean, I’m not exactly a fan of crossovers, and even though I like Iron Man, I really couldn’t see this coming together into anything worthwhile. But was I right?
To start with, it’s worth noting that this story doesn’t exist within any Marvel continuity. Instead, it’s an amalgam of ideas from different versions of the Iron Man/Avengers story, although it does seem to draw most heavily from the movie franchise. For example, Jarvis is a computer, like in the movies, but Ultron has been around a while and had several run-ins with the Avengers.
The characterization of Rainbow Dash isn’t all that important since she’s a foal when she appears in Tony Stark’s lab. There’s plenty of room to tweak the character. Tony, on the other hand, isn’t very consistent, frequently showing traits of both the brash, loudmouthed version from the movies and the more mature and level-headed version from the more serious eras of the comics. The disconnect got a little jarring at times.
Lots of other Marvel Universe characters show up, and some of them play important roles, but I don’t think they’re worth mentioning here. The Hulk gets an exception, though. He gets plenty of screen time, and if I’m perfectly honest, I have to admit that I like his portrayal simply because I’m not a Hulk fan. The Hulk bores me to death. Here, though, he’s quickly tamed by filly Dash’s cuteness and turned into her nanny. It pisses all over the character, and that’s why I enjoyed it so much when he… Well, see for yourselves.
Rainbow Dash and Tony stood on one side of the room, Rainbow suppressing giggles and Tony looking thoughtful. Following the line of their gazes, the reason for their reactions was obvious, as the Hulk filled the other side of the room...wearing a French maid outfit.
Tony finally spoke up. "Maybe the Mary Poppins look would work better."
Hulk tugged at the maid outfit. "But...this make Hulk feel pretty. Hulk...like feel pretty."
After reading that, when I watched Avengers 2 and got bored with the mindless Hulk action (the other characters were so much more fun!) I started imagining him in a French maid costume.
Oh, did I mention Rainbow gets a baby Godzilla as a pet? I’m not even kidding. It really is a baby Godzilla. Take that however you will. By that point, I think the fic has already established that it’s just gonna do its own thing, and if you think an idea is stupid, you can be sure that it’ll at least be played for laughs at some point.
As the story plays out, the tone bounces around pretty wildly. In one chapter, it can be a zany madcap comedy, and in the next, it can be a serious action piece, followed by some heavy emotional drama. It sways back and forth constantly, and while that makes sense for a story that takes place over a number of years, it does feel a little disjointed.
While the prose is generally competent and effective, it does sometimes dip into unnecessary adverb usage, and there are quite a few phrases that feel out of place of overly amateurish. The biggest problem I have with it is the rampant saidism abuse. Why do I keep running into stories that are going to piss me off with dialogue tags that insult my intelligence at least once every three paragraphs?
Mechanically, it’s okay. There are a bevy of minor proofreading errors, but it’s perfectly readable.
Verdict: If you take the Marvel Universe seriously, stay far away. This fic craps on the source material as often as it treats it with respect. For some goofy superhero comedy, you could do a lot worse. Action scenes are a bit sparse, so you might want to look elsewhere if that’s your thing.
I’ll Kill You With My Tea Cup, by Cloud Hop
Tags: Alternate Universe
Rating: Teen
Length: 1,627 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Celestia assassinates a griffon leader.
Review: In the past, I’ve reviewed a fic or two about alicorns being badasses. While I’m not a huge fan of that sort of thing, I do indulge from time to time. That brought me to this fic. Spoiler: I do not consider this to be a good thing.
This fic does have its strengths, mind you. It’s certainly well-written. The scene is set effectively, and dialogue and actions are blended nicely. Everything comes to life in a convincing manner, the pacing is good, and the mechanics are strong.
The problems are deeper than that, though. They’re fundamental. Where this story went wrong was at a conceptual level. First of all, there’s no real threat. Celestia is in control the entire time, and no pretense is ever made to the contrary. It’s just a story about her being badass.
Second, it opens on a completely unnecessary infodump. We don’t need three paragraphs of backstory to understand the scenario. It would have been better to just sprinkle that information into the dialogue.
Third, it doesn’t have any sort of identity. Where other badass alicorn fics often delve into pathos and show their inner conflicts or emotional weaknesses, this one just takes the Celestia we know, puts her in a contrived situation, and shows her to be pretty much invincible.
Fourth, why the AU tag? I get that the fic doesn’t seem to fit any particular tone (at least, until knighty adds a cheerleader tag. “Yay Celestia!”) but putting the AU tag on there implies something that just isn’t the case. This is set 500 years in the past, and nothing there really conflicts with canon.
"Oh, it's quite simple, really," explained Celestia, "either you surrender to me, or I'll kill you. Then I'll kill your guards. I'll kill every last griffon in this palace until you birdbrains get it through your thick, pathetic skulls that Equestria will not be trifled with, under any circumstances, ever."
Oh, that’s why this is an AU… Scratch that thing about this being the Celestia we know. This is a world where Celestia’s mind is apparently an amalgam of Genghis Khan and George W. Bush.
Verdict: As stories of alicorns being badass go, there’s no meat to this one. If that’s what you want to read about, you should look for one that actually has a little character instead.
The Life Gambler, by Dramize the Salamander
Tags: Gore, Anthro
Rating: Teen
Length: 6,535 words (Status: Incomplete – 1/5 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: An edgy OC edges edgingly to the outer edges of edginess.
Review: So I saw this on the new stories list (four more chapters have been published since then) and its description caught my eye.
False Deck was just a you average card playing assassin pegasus killing contracts without fail until some changlings made him an offer
Yeeeeeaaaaaah… That can only go badly. And as you well know, I love to sit back and stare at a good train wreck, so how could I possibly resist reading this puddle of literary diarrhea when it seems to have all the makings of a classic badfic?
First of all, we have the allegedly anthro OC main character—red and black, of course—False Deck, who will henceforth be referred to as Edgy Edgington McEdgypants. Edgy is a gambler who owns a game shop and is also a master assassin. He’s surrounded by other characters like: a colt (probably his little brother) who shares his colors and carries a katana; a filly who probably has no special characteristics, probably because the author thinks girls are inferior; royal guards who steal, threaten, and attempt to rape or kill a mare (it really isn’t clear, and Edgy kills them all in two sentences); and some ponies who love him because he’s a ruthless killer with a heart of gold, or some such bullshit.
I swear, this story is taking every single stereotype of awful OC fanfiction and obliviously playing it completely straight. If it was a drug and its awfulness was a measure of its purity, Walter White would be jealous of it.
But of course, no badfic is truly a classic unless it can also be classified as a hate crime against the English language.
"So this is the place a little run down for canterlot but that's what makes it a gem in this boring city." Said a ruby red pegasus with a spiked jet black mane and tail he wore a white jacket with red spade and club symbols on it's seam while black diamonds and heart lined it's collar. he walked into the aged little bar the air inside was stale and heavy with the smell of alcohol and cider. He move quietly to a table each step shifting his jacket revealing his cutie mark aces of each suit with a small mark of blood. Siting down he pulled out a deck of playing cards and piece of paper which he studied then folded back into his jacket before ordering a small glass of cider and setting up a game of solitaire as he was watching the ponies around the bar until.
Has the jury reached a decision?
Verdict: Guilty! This is a badfic from hell, and I laughed at virtually every word of the first chapter. It’s almost adorable in its ineptitude, like a retarded puppy that gives a happy little yelp and wags its tail when you kick it because it crapped on your laundry.
The Marked Ones, by Final Draft
Tags: Gore, Tragedy, Dark
Rating: Teen (Should be Mature)
Length: 23,096 words (Status: Complete – 7/7 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: A stallion who was locked up as a colt for having a dangerous special talent is found by Twilight Sparkle, who attempts to rehabilitate him.
Review: As noted above, this story has no business being marked Teen. It goes to some gruesome places, well beyond the levels of violence typically allowed at that rating. It only managed to sneak past moderation because the first chapter lacked that brutality. If extreme violence bothers you, stay far away from this one.
That said, I have to admit that I rather enjoyed it. The main character, Macabre, is a sadistic, emotionally stunted, evil bastard of a pony, and he has been since he was a colt. Because of that, he was taken by the Royal Guard, who cut his horn off, burned away his cutie mark, and threw him into a dungeon.
Macabre makes for an interesting lead because he’s conflicted. On the one hand, he loves to learn, and his favorite way to learn is by ripping open living things and studying their innards. On the other hand, he quickly becomes infatuated with Twilight, and even though he’s desperate to use his talent, he restrains himself for her sake, convincing himself that she loves him in return. As he learns to fit in with society, he also looks for outlets for his twisted desires. His goals, motives, and actions are frequently at odds with one another, and that gives him an impressive level of complexity, which should have made his actions less predictable.
Unfortunately, that’s undermined by the style, which frequently foreshadows upcoming events and the fates of the various characters who appear. Seeing a gruesome thing like the grisly fate of Flash Sentry loses some of its impact when you know it’s coming.
The story is told primarily from first-person perspective, and Macabre’s character voice is delivered reasonably well. At points, though, it displays more knowledge than the character should possess, making the “unreliable narrator” aspect a bit inconsistent. It also bothers me that one big question mark—the truth behind the fate of Macabre’s adoptive parents—is left dangling for no good reason.
I also think the epilogue weakened the underlying theme of nature vs nurture—whether Macabre became a killer because of something inherently wrong with him or because of his terrible upbringing—by tilting it solidly in one direction for the sake of setting up a prequel, which has never been written and most likely won’t be, considering that the author has been gone for over four months.
Mechanically speaking, it’s very good. There are a few minor comma errors and a couple of misused semicolons, but such errors are rare and almost unnoticeable.
Verdict: If you like dark, gory, disturbing stuff, check this out.
This is Bad!, by Fictional Fanatic
Tags: Dark, Slice of Life, Alternative Universe, Human
Rating: Teen
Length: 3,387 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: A human appears in Equestria, in the body of one of the Pinkie clones from Too Many Pinkie Pies (which are actually evil) during the scene with the paint drying.
Review: I don’t touch too many stories in the featured box, but I was flipping through them, and I spotted this one, reasonably high up the list with a solid (but not outstanding) vote ratio. The content looked stock enough, but the errors in the description made me wonder just how the hell it made it so high. Seriously, look at this:
Alexander suddenly finds himself in the world of Equesria without any explanation at all. He finds himself as one of the Pinkie Pie clones from the episode "Too many Pikies" and starring at paint.
Most of the time, I wouldn’t give a story with that many errors in its description the time of day, but this one was unlucky enough to inspire enough morbid curiosity for me to click it. Obviously, when my first impression of a story is bad, I’m less inclined to like it, so staying neutral can be a challenge.
Thankfully, this story takes away the conflict immediately and lets me know, in no uncertain terms, that I am fully justified in keeping that impression.
I am a human. A bipedal, furless monkey that comes from an advanced civilization that has managed to attain space flight. Sums us up well enough? I hope so, I don't have time to go into detail. Now, on my planet (I come from planet Earth. Most humans do as far as I am aware.) there is something called television. It allows people like me or any other person to watch information on a flat screen. The information can wary from being worldwide news to a TV series for kids. A TV series for those of you who don't know about TV, is an adaption of comics for the TV. Now, I happen to be a fan of a certain show that is called "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic." It's a show about ponies who live in Equestria.
I should also mention that I'm explaining things because all of this is an attempt to break the fourth wall. I don't know if I'm currently succeeding or not so I'll just keep on going.
So he’s trying to break the fourth wall and describe humanity to humans? Sheesh.
Do you like this style of having blatant exposition shoved into your face, whether you need it or not? If not, this fic is going to piss you off. If you do like it, though, you’ll be right at home here, and the rest of us will pray that you stay.
As mentioned in my synopsis, this story starts at an odd place, so it doesn’t make a lick of sense, right from the outset. Why would a random human appear in Equestria in the body of a Pinkie clone? Why would it happen when they’re in that particular scene and not when the clone came out of the pool? Why does this random, uninteresting human have access to the clone’s memories, and why doesn’t the clone’s personality still exist if the memories are there? How can he move well enough in his first hours as a quadruped to make the main 6 look like chumps?
Want answers to these questions? Tough luck.
When the story finally exits its prolonged exposition mode and starts showing some stuff, it doesn’t improve much. Descriptions mostly work adequately, although it’s super telly, especially about the main character’s emotions. I don’t have any complaints about the dialogue from the canon characters, but the human character’s dialogue is a car crash. For example:
"However," I continue, "I am not like the others. I do not know how, but I'm not just one of those clones created by the mirror pool. I somehow ended up in this body not so long ago, sitting there staring at paint. I was terrified of the situation I found myself in as I saw the memories of this clone. Also, you should know that these clones are not as stupid as you think. They've had you all fooled. They have all been trying to fool you so they could get rid of the real Pinkie Pie and replace her. I'm not one of them! I want Pinkie to be the one to stay, but I don't want to go back either, especially not since I betrayed the other clones and will most likely not receive any warm welcomes in the mirror pool. Please, I beg of you, let me stay here and at least tell my side of the story properly before you send me back." At this point I'm openly crying and sniffling. I'm so scared, if this doesn't work I'm as good as dead, if not actually dead. But at least it's the real Pinkie Pie that lives on, right?
So this human in a Pinkie body is scared to death and openly weeping, but he manages to give such a stilted, formal-sounding speech. No.
To round it all off, the story doesn’t really end. It’s more like the first chapter of a longer fic that the author apparently intends to release as multiple one-shots.
In terms of mechanics, it’s reasonably competent, but it has a bunch of errors that discerning readers will pick out.
Verdict: This is why I usually ignore the feature box. Most of the stuff that makes it there seems to be an absolute waste of my time, and this was no exception. I don’t know why so many people have apparently enjoyed this thing, but I suspect lobotomies.
The Pain of Eternity, by Wanderer D
Tags: Slice of Life
Rating: Everyone
Length: 2,462 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: While angsting over the apparent drawbacks of immortality, Twilight gets a visit from her future self. Also, Prak might learn to stay away from the feature box.
Review: I’m sure you can discern from that last line that I didn’t care for this story. It’s not that there’s anything fundamentally wrong with it; it’s just been done to death. We’ve seen plenty of angsty Twilight obsessing over the potential pain of living without her friends, and we’ve seen about as much of future Twilight after she’s come to terms with it. Instead of providing something new, smashing the concepts together just gives us watered down versions of both.
In terms of mechanics, it’s a little flawed. There’s some iffy grammar, comma splices, and crappy dialogue tags, but they’re not enough to significantly hinder readability.
Shockingly, I think that’s all I have to say about this one.
Verdict: The content is okay, but there’s nothing here that hasn’t been said better in other fics. If you want a story about Twilight struggling with fears about immortality, there are plenty that have her talking to Celestia, Luna, and/or Discord. If you want a glimpse of future Twilight, there are plenty of fics that do that, too. Combining those two ideas doesn’t produce anything new or particularly interesting, so I have no reason to recommend it over stories that explore each side in more detail.
Want to call my wrath down on a particular story? Make a request in the comments.
Rules:
—You can request a story of any length.
—It can be yours or someone else’s, and I don’t care whether it’s good or a train wreck, but I make no guarantees that I’ll read anything. These are requests, not orders.
—One request per person per review post, and only on the most recent one.
—If I don’t like your story, don’t be butthurt over it. It's just one (really picky) guy's opinion, and I'll probably recommend it for someone, even if I hate it.
Keep an eye out for a special post on May 20, especially if you play games on PC.
Got a bit of a typo, I assume:
3072132
Fixed. Thanks for pointing it out.
My eyes!
*Starts humming song by Cake*
You mention for the last fic you've seen both concepts done better, any specifics that come to mind for you?
3072315
Hm. Probably should have dug some up. For an example of a better fic in which Twilight is conflicted and angsty over possibly becoming immortal, I'd point to A Draconequus' Guide to Immortality by ArgonMatrix. In that one, the process of coming to terms with immortality is, in itself, a conflict for her to face. She's forced to confront her fears head-on, and by the end, she's actually earned her resolution. That's as opposed to the one I reviewed, in which Twilight just gets lectured until she understands her future self's point.
Edit: Oh yeah, there's also more build-up in ArgonMatrix's fic. The lack of it in Wanderer D's limits a reader's investment in the conflict.
As for a good one about Twilight in the distant future, none are immediately coming to mind, but I'll try to find one in my bookshelves later.
I may not comment on these often, but rest assured that they truly make my day. :D
-Lumino
Even though I like the concept of immortal Twilight, it's not handled well that often, as shown here. Showing some mixed emotions about it is fine and all, but when angst is the primary drive of one of these stories it's best to just stay away.
As for requests, A Train, on Fire, Full of Orphans by Aragon.
3072344 Sounds good to me, you're usually not the type to go all crotchety old man without citations and they're always interesting.
Hey, thanks for continuing to make these reviews. I enjoy reading them.
As a request, the Longest Night by Spideremblembrony.
I figure, 'why the hell not?' I hope to see your thoughts on it, whether they be good or bad. Until then, take care.