LiAB Review 11: Wanderer D's "Finding the Right Note" · 6:46am May 15th, 2015
Ahh... birds are singing, the sun is shining, and all is right with the world! After one of the worst winters I've ever seen (two of them in a row, in fact) it finally looks and feels like summer again. I was starting to believe it would never happen! You know how they intercallate bissextile years to reconcile the Gregorian calender with causal reality? I suspect that one day winter will be so long that it'll just wrap over, becoming a leap season. We'll get six months of winter, and then skip it entirely next time. Just you wait... anything's possible with Trixie in the White House.
You know what I haven't done in awhile? A review! Time for episode eleven of Lightning in A Bottle. I don't know why, but I got a good feeling about this one... I can't wait to see what incompetent, no-name, self-absorbed, pretentious git I'll end up with this time.
Author: Wanderer D
Featured story: "The Pain of Eternity" (Top Ranked, 15 May, 2015)
Least viewed story at that time: "Finding the Right Note"
Completion: Fully read, including prequel
Tags Listed: Romance, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe
Three Word Summary: Single dad blues.
Before We Get Started
Seriously, what is this? And who's Wanderer D?
...Is the D silent?
Ahh, nevermind. I noticed that today's lightning rod is extremely fresh: in fact when I sorted the author's stories by viewcount, their top ranked story for today was also their second least viewed story of all time. Talk about winning the lottery. Don't let it go to your head, buddy! It's not like you're running the place or anything.
It's a Sequel, Goddamnit
Yes, yes. We've been through this before. It seems that Wanderer D decided to continue one of his... or, ah... is it her? I should probably look into this a bit more than "not at all," but I prefer to avoid spoilers. I don't like exposing myself to other people's opinions before I do a review. What to do?
*Flips a coin*
It seems that Wanderer D decided to continue one of her less well known stories from about a year ago. Encouraging! It suggests that this story was written out of a genuine desire to revisit things, rather than ride the coattails of a previous success to game the system. The description says there's no strong continuity, but it's only 1400 words. I can certainly spare a couple minutes to catch up.
Tab and block indentation, at the same time? YOU DIE! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!!
Okay, maybe not. But seriously, do some authors actually do this on purpose? Or is there some kind of switch I need to flip on my FimFiction account to stop this from happening? Somebody tell me if there's a switch. If there isn't, I gotta start pestering a moderator about it... talk about shoddy web design.
Initial impressions
Let's cut straight to the chase: the Author's Voice needs a little refinement. The sentence structure could stand to be smoothed out in places, and the language needs a little more grace and elegance to balance out the purple prose. Actually, it's nowhere near purple... just slightly purplish. "Lavender prose?"
Whatever you call it, the very slight shade of purpleness isn't the problem at all. Let's look at the very second line of the story:
She had told nopony, simply grabbing her case, throwing her saddlebags on and after making sure she had cash, had stepped into the cold night.
Reads a little lumpy. I think it's supposed to sound like this:
She had told nopony, simply grabbing her case, throwing her saddlebags on and--after making sure she had cash--had stepped into the cold night.
Also, I tripped over the author's use of the word "has" in that sentence. Let us see how it reads after we remove the text contained within the emdashes:
She had told nopony, simply grabbing her case, throwing her saddlebags on and had stepped into the cold night.
Seems like a tense conflict to me. Shouldn't it read "and stepping into the cold night"?
Geez, I'm only two lines in, and I'm already nitpicking. This isn't even the story I'm reviewing! I know, I know... when I write these reviews, I'm not really looking at the individual story. I try to look at the skill and ability of the author, and the voice and style that makes them unique. That's what truly interests me. But considering how meandering some of my previous reviews have ended up, I think I need to put my foot down and stay focused.
So what did I think of Running? I liked it just fine, thank you very much! As much as I complained about the sentences reading not-quite-smoothly, it wasn't enough to stop me from enjoying the story for what it was: a brief and introspective look at a turning point in a character's life. The scenery descriptions and inner monologues did an excellent job of building up mood and atmosphere, which is this story's strongest point.
However, the dialogue doesn't quite live up to the same standards. The main character never felt truly in character... she never really caught fire. If you removed all mentions of her name and her musical instrument, you probably couldn't guess who she was. (Which would have been very interesting, if that was the whole point: perhaps the protagonist wants to go unnoticed by the locals, so she's struggling to suppress her personality and cultural mannerisms. A neat idea, but there was nothing in the dialogue to suggest an inner struggle to hide her true nature. Even though, in retrospect, she's tryign to go wher she won't be recognized. Missed opportunity, perhaps? Who knows). The bartender side character was more distinct and entertaining, but a tad too cliche for my tastes. I would have been much happier with his cliche if he'd bounced off the protagonist a little more. Shown a little more chemistry. The side-character's treatment is less of a problem than the protagonist's: I only harp on the latter because this story is a character piece.
To end on a positive note, I loved the overall premise of the story. It's very simple, very slice-of-lifey, and the ending is simultaneously lonely and hopeful. For all intents and purposes, it's a happy ending... but for some reason there's still a sense of melancholy around the whole thing. I would recommend this story to others, and would gladly read again.
And I'd like to thank the author for making up their own lyrics instead of just linking to a music video on Youtube. Seriously. That stuff gets aggravating real quick.
Let's moving on to the main course, shall we?
I'm vey curious to see if the author's voice has changed or improved since writing the previous story. Judging from her avatar on the site, I'm assuming she's some kind of pokemans or something. That's what pokemans do, right? Evolve? Or wait, is that a Digimon? If she posts fifty stories, does she digivolve into "Meanderer D"?
I digress.
Technical issues
Wait. What the hell? The author is still using block and tab indentation simultaneously, but she correctly knows not to indent the first line of the story. That's, like... nobody knows to do that. I think there's only like three guys that know about that rule, and I'm one of them. I wonder if there's some kind of HTML thingy adding carriage returns between paragraphs. Somebody, anybody, please tell me if there's a button or a switch I can press to stop this from happening.
Other than that, nothing technical to complain about. An uncapitalized "Equestria" here, a missing space there... nothing that took me out of the story. And they even used a unique little "o.0.o" as a line break. That's a gold star as far as I'm concerned: FimFiction's default line breaks are awful. Just one more thing to pester the mods about, I guess.
Style and Voice
Okay, it's... look, you don't have to... it's not...
Everybody shut up for a second. I'm gonna pull a quote from chapter 1:
Angus cringed and could feel his skin blushing under his feathers. “He gets excited,” he explained rather unnecessarily.
Yes thank you Mister Narrator, you don't need to point it out. We know it's unnecessary. No need to put it so bluntly.
I think this line might sum up one of my main complaints with the writing style. There's a lot of redundancy in the descriptions. When we break this line down, it falls into three pieces:
Angus cringed and could feel his skin blushing under his feathers.
A description of the character's body language. A little straightforward and heavy handed, but it does the job. It also doubles as character attribution for the dialogue that follows: we now know who's talking and acting. I'd probably put a period after "cringe", or just delete the words "cringed and", but that's just me.
“He gets excited,”
A line of dialogue. Short and sweet. As it should be.
he explained
A saidism. Boo!
rather unnecessarily.
God help us... the adverbs and adjectives are ganging up on me! This is just another saidism disguised as a clunky, unnecessary descriptor. Are we being ironic here? Meta? Self-aware? If so, it isn't working. And I hate you. And my hate has made me strong!
Two of these fragments need to go. You can't drop the dialogue, but the other three segments are all fighting with each other about who's sitting on who's side of the car. They're all trying to say the same thing. Why not drop the last four words of this sentence entirely? All we lose is the realization that Angus knows full well that he said something stupid, and he's embarrased about it. If you're going to just flat out tell us how the character feels, at least let the character do it in their own words:
"He gets excited," he said as he struggled to keep his son from jumping towards the mare. He wondered if she could see him blushing under his feathers after his blindingly obvious statement... could ponies tell that sort of thing? Was a blush easier to see under a coat of hair?
Not the best suggestion I've ever made, but you get the idea.
A smaller example:
“Are you going to stay a while?” Ari asked, almost desperately. “I want to hear all I can about Equestra!”
Instead, why not try:
“Are you going to stay a while?” Ari asked, struggling to wrestle free of his father's grasp. “Please-please-please pretty please? I want to hear all I can about Equestra!”
And for goodness sake, leave out the saidisms:
“Um, sure,” Argus blinked. “But are you sure you should be trusting a random gryphon with that information?”
Really? Don't you mean...
“Um, sure,” Argus said. And while he was speaking, he blinked. Because although blinking is an action that can be performed while speaking, and it can serve as an important element of one's body language and facial expression, it is neither an intonation nor a cadence that can be conveyed via dialogue spoken aloud. Blinking doesn't make any sound! It doesn't work that way!! YOU BLINK WITH YOUR EYES AND YOU TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND “But are you sure you should be trusting a random gryphon with that information?”
I have a hot button. Can you tell I have a hot button? Because I do. Have one. A hot button, that is. GUESS WHAT IT IS
And while we're at it, the dialogue up there is a tad mechanical. Try:
"Why are you telling... I-I-I mean, I'm a total stranger."
And then Octavia could be all, like:
"You know my name," she said, smiling warmly. "Where I'm from, nopony's a stranger."
See, this also pulls double-duty as worldbuilding. It reinforces the idea that ponies and gryphons are from different cultures, with different attitudes regarding trust and responsib...
Ah... right. Sorry. Getting a little carried away again. Moving on.
I know I complain about saidisms all the time. And no, they aren't pure evil. They serve a purpose. But they can also serve as a symptom of a much greater problem: an unwillingness to let the dialogue and body language speak for itself. Subtlety and berevity. All reading is discovery: let your readers discover!
Here's a perfect example of a very well written conversation between the main characters:
“Where’s the little guy?” Octavia asked, looking under the table.
Angus shook his head, thinking of Ari. “He’s with his grandmother. I don’t have him until the weekend’s over.”
“Oh,” Octavia’s eyes softened. “I’m sorry. It must be tough.”
At this point, Octavia has no idea that Angus and his wife are separated. Angus's response sounds perfectly natural... completely ordinary. There's absolutely nothing extravagant or exaggerated about the words he's using. He doesn't even mention anything about his wife, or their marital status, or the stress and worry he feels for his son. And yet Octavia picks up on it immediately, without having to go into any further detail. She understands without having to be explicitly told.
And how does Angus react to Octavia's reaction? Does he blush furiously, stammer uncontrollably, or lash out in a sudden burst of tragic frustration?
Angus didn’t reply, simply nodding.
Perfect. Flawless. Magnificent. Right now, the most powerful part of this conversation is what Angus DOESN'T say. It convinces me that he's had this conversation before: maybe co-workers and neighbors, walk up to him, trying to be caring and sympathetic, but it just makes him uncomfortable. He's conditioned himself to act like it's no big deal. He's trying to convince everyone that he's strong and confident, and fully able to support his son. He might even believe it himself.
He follows it up soon enough with some awkward stammering, but this time there's a reason for it.
Angus’ eyes went wide. “I-I’m sorry, Miss Octavia,” he stood up, clumsily pushing his chair back. “Allow me to introduce you to my friend, Skap,” he gestured at the other gryphon with his claw. “We work together.” He seemed at a loss on what to say until Skap slightly clinked the two empty glasses of beer. “Um, would you like to join us for dinner?”
Sure, this narrative tells us exactly what he's thinking: it flat out tells us he's "at a loss on what to say". But I don't mind it this time, because there's more than one thing going on: his friend is pulling him into an awkward situation with a complete stranger. Of course he's at a loss for words.
Here's a mixed example, with some good and some bad:
It was dark and the house was empty save for himself. His claws scratched the stone floor as he rolled out of bed and walked out of his room, wondering why it felt like that... Like he had no energy, even though he did and was not tired.
Why he had no interest in doing anything at all.
This is a marvelous opening for this chapter. It sets the mood and atmosphere, and gives us some insight into the character's feelings. We haven't seen him truly depressed before now, and this paragraph really hammers the point home.
But the ending of the paragraph completely ruins it for me, in a sort of "And then John was a zombie" sort of way. Not, like, in that kind of way. I just mean the bluntness of the choice of words. There must be a better way to say it! We're told that Angus is awake and alert, but that he has some sort of mental or emotional weakness that can't be quantified... he's weary for entirely non-physical (and believable) reasons. Let's get one thing straight. I love this detail. I hate how it's presented to us in such a blunt, mechanical manner, and I hate how it ruins the wonderful atmosphere and mood that was built up. But it's a wonderful detail.
You're kind of obsessed about this, aren't you Mister Reviewer?
Yes, I know this story has the Romance Tag. And any romance story worth its salt should have lots and lots of extravagant descriptions of character's feelings, emotions, and innermost thoughts. My problem is that saidisms often achieve the exact opposite effect: They feel too blunt. Too mechanical. "Purple prose" is like hopping into a fluorescent pink F12 Berlinetta Ferrari with a famous supermodel lounging in the passenger seat, only to drive to the corner store and pick up milk and eggs. And you're driving through a school zone. "Saidisms", on the other hand, can make you feel like you're driving through Las Vegas in the middle of the night and pulling up to the red-carpet entrance of the Bellagio Casino in a five-year-old pickup truck, stepping out onto a red carpet to greet a crowd of paparazzi and adoring fans. Sure the truck will get you there, but... well... y'know. It's just so functional.
Am I... am I getting carried away? I think I'm carried away. Maybe.
Plot and Characterization
Let's move on to greener pastures.
The port city of Ammassalik—famous first of all for their fishing, and second of all for being the capital of the Gryphon Kingdom—bustled with energy and the almost continuous flow of gryphons of all trades and classes walking the paved roads.
*near spittake*
Apparently, capital-city status is less important than fishing. Is this the author's attempt at worldbuilding? Is the author suggesting that the Gryphon civilization is becoming obsolete or inconsequential somehow? Are they being overshadowed by Equestria's commerce and industry? Perhaps the glory days of the Gryphons are fading away, and now all they're good for is exporting fish. That's especially intriguing, because Gryphons seem like they'd be a pretty proud race. Wait... is the fishing for export? Would ponies even eat fish? I mean, they're not intelligent, but they're still meat.
I really hope this is worldbuilding, because I love it. It was only one sentence and I'm already intrigued.
Edit: Parts of chapter four suggest that fishing is much more important to Gryphon society than I imagined... perhaps high-cultured cuisine is an essential status symbol among the ruling class. Very intersting!
His eyes strayed to the table, where the scroll from that morning lay, almost accusingly.
Sweet Celestia tap-dancing on the tea-table! It's been two whole chapters and we still haven't gotten the slightest hint about what's on that scroll! Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? It's driving me crazy!
I mean, in a good way. It's a good kind of crazy. It's proof that I care about what happens to the protagonist.
Seriously, good work. Keep it up.
His world was so limited at this point. Defined by what his soon-to-be-ex-wife decided due to higher status and better contacts as well as the fact that he just didn't want to deny Ari the opportunity to grow with both parents close by... a consideration he was sure Leandra would not reciprocate.
Aaaaaah nooo the feels! Making his wife a snobby, wealthy, upper-class aristocrat is kind of a cheap way to make the reader hate her, but now Angus himself is admitting this whole scenario is "for the best." It's responsible of him to do what's best for his son, but that only makes it even more soul-crushingly depressing that he's totally given up on himself.
I should hate this sort of emotional manipulation... hate, hate, hate it! But here, in this context, I find it very effective.
He hadn't paid much attention to where he was headed, but finally decided to sit down on a bench in a small garden area. These were common in Ammassalik, where parks were pretty much a concept that would never become a reality. They had to make do with little gazebos and small gardens with fountains. Not that anyone had much free time there to do anything other than work.
Yay, more worldbuilding! And, as before, doesn't suck!
I know exactly what it's like to wander around a city at five in the morning with nothing to do. Just sightseeing or killing time. Not going towards any particular place, but rather away from something. This paragraph does a great job of describing the city, as well as the character's mood and attitude. Two-fer-one deal? Yes please!
He didn't know how long he stood there, listening and watching, but each sound seemed to fill him with... with something he couldn't explain. It wasn't hope. It wasn't happiness. It was almost as if the music was slowly filling him with life...
He wasn't being judged by it. There were no expectations from the music, no betrayal... he felt he could drift into the sky, listening to it, eyes closed and simply live in the moment. For as long as the music existed, he would be content.
You know what I like most about these passages? Just a few pages ago, Angus was thinking about how he couldn't bring himself to fly. He just couldn't muster the enthusiasm. it's such a fundamental part of being a Gryphon, and yet he finds no joy in it whatsoever. His wings, like his heart, are leaden. And then we springboard into a flying metaphor.
That's right: An Earth Pony is reminding a Gryphon of the joy of flight. It's my old friend, Reversal of Expectations! How have you been, Reversal of Expectations? Still emotionally and intellectually engaging, I see? So glad to hear it!
“It has to be,” Angus explained, looking up at it. “Since we are a carnivorous society with some omnivorous tendencies, we need to keep both sorts of products readily available, and for everything to remain fresh, gryphons of old made sure the building was well-ventilated to BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH FOR LIKE TWO PAGES WHYYYY
I might be paraphrasing here. Slightly. As much as I love your worldbuilding, Miss Wanderer D, this is just a giant avalanche of data... you need to slip it in on the slant, if you know what I'm sayin'. And by that, I'm saying that an info-dump is really really boring on its own. Chapter four was the first part of your story that I almost skipped over completely. It's that bad.
Let's be absolutely clear about something: All of the historical information that was provided in this chapter was super-interesting. I loved it. But it didn't feel like I was reading a story anymore. It felt like I'd switched to a history textbook with no pictures. Fortunately, the "history lecture" part was followed up with a very strong note: We learn that Angus is very knowledgeable about history. In fact, he's so knowledgeable that even little kids with five-second attention spans stopped what they're doing to listen to his fascinating story. That's a pretty impressive feat, and it's also the first thing besides his son that Angus seems to have any passion for. I kept shouting "QUIT YOUR JOB AND BE A HISTORY TEACHER YOU DOLT" at the screen... but it was a good kind of shouting. It means that I was emotionally engaged as a reader.
It's not that long a segment. It's only a page or two. So why am I complaining about it so much? Because this is a romance story. You need to squeeze every last drop of emotion and sympathy out of the characters. A big block-o-text kills the mood. Let me put it this way: Readers don't care about the history of the Gryphon empire. They say they do, but they're lying. They care that Angus is knowledgeable and passionate about history, and that he can use his knowledge to educate and entertain others. Specifically Octavia, the love interest. Why does this scene matter to the story? Because it's a chance for Angus to be passionate about something. And that's what he needs the most in his life right now.
I can see this was already your goal. I'm certain you already know that the history lecture is just a literary device. It's a piece of bait you dangle in front of the reader to distract their conscious mind from what really matters: You had a bunch of little kids listening in the whole time, and you had Angus react with surprise when they revealed themselves. This is freakin' adorable! I also like that Angus knows something of Luna and her past interactions with the Gryphon empire. It draws a connection between the two races, which also serves to draw the two characters together in spite of their differences. You had a teacher mistake Angus for a professional scholar, even though he's a poorly educated laborer. Another marvelous reversal of expectations! Take that, rigid caste system!
This is all awesome-cool stuff, Miss Wanderer D, and it's pretty obvious to me that you know what you're doing... but you missed a spot. you need to break up that giant block of text a little more. When I first started reading chapter four, I was expecting Octavia to roll her eyes and change the subject of the conversation. This is the exact opposite of what you're trying to accomplish! Take the history lecture, break it into chunks, and blend in some narrative: give us a more detailed and interactive description of the tour, with Octavia pointing at things and asking questions. Make her questions sound more organic and natural... don't just use them as springboards for whatever Angus is going to say next. Maybe give us a description of a Gryphon snatching a live fish out of the water with lightning-fast reflexes. Better yet, have Angus snatch a fish out of the water with lightning fast reflexes! Bet those young little gryphons didn't know he was so cool!
Just a few edits would make it read less like a dry lecture and more like an exciting whirlwind tour through a living and dynamic environment. At the end of the day, I don't have to enjoy Angus' history lesson. It would be nice if I did, but that's only a useful side-effect. But I absolutely need to believe that Angus himself enjoys it. I have to believe in his passion. Right now, all he seems to enjoy is the sound of his own voice.
Final Thoughts
I complained about this story a lot. The sentence structure could stand to be smoothed out. Octavia's character felt a little bland and undefined when we really need her to fire on all cylinders whenever she steps on stage. Much of the general narrative and dialogue felt a little too artificial and mechanical for my tastes. And as always, my personal hatred of saidisms was an obstacle for me: The characters are always chuckling, sighing, or stammering. But except for the speedbump in chapter four--and it's a pretty big one for me--there were no serious problems with this story.
But in spite of all my complaints, the truth of the matter is that I really enjoyed this story. It's quite good, and I expect I will read the next chapter as soon as it comes out. Here's me crossing my fingers! It's a superb slice of life story about a character that has yet to take that first brave step into the unknown. To break free of his society's expectations and pursue his innermost passions and desires. In a way, we're waiting for Angus to earn his cutie mark... a lesson that perhaps only a pony can teach him. But can he set aside his pride long enough to do so? And how will his culture react if he forms a relationship with a pony? The story is also driven by the character's deep sense of responsibility for his family: Not just towards his adoring son, but even his estranged and vaguely-threatening wife. There's a pretty complicated set of emotions and relationships at play here. I really want to see how it ends.
To all my readers: Go check this story out, leave constructive comments, and then pester the author to write the next chapter. Whoever she is, she deserves a little more attention than she's been getting. Signal boost, ahoy!
...But I still think a group of gryphons should be called a "pride". "Flock" makes no sense, because eagles are mostly solitary creatures. Just sayin'.
And they're talons. Not claws. Unless you're talking about their hind legs, which are feline. But I don't think you are.
And you call young Gryphons "chicks" in one place and "cubs" in another. Which is it? Are the terms gender-based, like "colt" and "filly"?
Aaaaaa worldbuilding in my braaaaain
Wrapping Up
Ahh, that felt good... It's so nice to sit back and read something, enjoy it thoroughly, and then tear it to shreds with a scathing and merciless analysis that probably misses the point entirely. I need to read more often! I wonder if this author has any other stories kicking around? She seems pretty new to FimFiction, but I'm sure she's
...I might have to go away for awhile, guys.
I'll be sure to send you a postcard. With a picture of me.
Holding up a newspaper with the current date.
pls
About tabs and whitespace:
I would rather have too much whitespace than too little. I know that I should not indent the 1st paragraph, but I prefer to do so out of consistency. Basically, if I have to choose between a story with no whitespace between paragraphs and no tabspaces or a story with tabspaces and whitespace between paragraphs, I prefer the well delineated paragraphs to the unreadable wall-of-text. This goes down to usability:
About usability, writing guides state that one should write numbers as words instead of numerals. This goes back to gradeschoolteachers instructing children about how to spell numbers. Usability-studies show that it is much easier to extract facts and figures from paragraphs, if one uses numerals because numerals stand out of the text. I shall give examples courtesy of WikiPedia.Org:
Spelt Numbers:
Numerals for Numbers:
Try extracting facts and figures out of those paragraphs. It is much easier to extract facts and figures out of the 2nd paragraph because numerals do not look like letters, making the facts and figures easier to find and extract. Personally, I believe that usability should trump the style-guides and use numerals instead of spelt numbers.
3070953
Counterpoint: that's only applicable in the context of a didactic essay! In the context of a story, parsing words for their meaning and assembling them into a narrative is generally more useful than extracting facts and figures; so, numerals that stand out impede usability, not enhance it.
3070953
This is kind of a fallacious argument, don't you think? If given the choice between using both or neither, I agree, it's better to use both. But nobody said those were your only options. You can use both, neither, one, or the other.
My problem is that it's redundant. It's like using both spelled numbers and digits:
In any case, carriage returns provide more than enough whitespace for anyone's needs. Adding a tab becomes redundant.
As for indenting the first paragraph, let's take that idea to its logical extreme: It's normal to seperate sentences with a space, right? But you'd never put a space in front of the first sentence in a paragraph, or after the last. Sort of a fencepost error, now that I think of it! You can't just say "More is always better."
...But I know everybody indents the first paragraph,. I try to keep quiet about it.
As nemryn pointed out, I am a writer of fiction. I'm not interested in extacting facts and figures. I need to cultivate an emotional reaction with the reader. I'm worried about immersion, and this breaks that immersion.
Though a story could still include strict scientific notation as part of it's main body. Maybe we're reading the diary of Starswirl the Bearded, or a letter correspondence between him and Celestia. It'd make sense that he'd be super-strict about technical clarity. It'd be a fun challenge to keep it both accurate and engaging for the reader!
3071503
Nonsequitter:
I personally believe that we should make the ponies as alien as possible. 1 way to do so is to use a different base. The story might read thus:
The base is obviously Balanced Ternary (Balanced Base3).
Only writes the numbers using different numerals in a different base, but have the ponies say the numbers in Decimal (Base10) using spelt numbers, as I did in the above example. I recommend either Balanced Ternary (Balanced Base3) or Sexagesimal (Base60).
One can also use new weights and measures, preferable based on Planck-Constants.
The ponies, in the show, come off as way too human.
3071569
You mean "Non Sequitur"?
...Is this because I used the word fallacious?
MLP ponies have much more in common with humans than they ever did with normal horses. Significant differences exist, and those differences do make for interesting stories, but the differences between humans and ponies are far outweighed by the similarities.
Though now that I think about it, the ponies in the show don't feel like ponies at all... they feel like humans that were physically transformed into ponies, anthenforgot about it after a few generations. I mean, why would ponies need saddles if nobody rides them around? Seems like an artifact from human culture to me.
Giving them the ability to comprehend mathematics in the first place makes them more human, regardless of what base they use. The ancient Aztecs and Romans had their own counting systems. And they were completely human.
if a pony started talking to you in Spanish, you wouldn't think "I don't understand this language. We're nothing alike." You'd think "Aaah! Talking horse! I thought only humans could talk!"
Firstly, no. It's not obvious. Not in the slightest. Obvious to you, maybe. But I'd never heard of this system until you mentioned it just now.
Secondly, this only works because you translate it for the reader immediately afterwards. And the translation only exists because Twilight Sparkle is translating a foreign "language" into her native format. What if Twilight were reading aloud a message written in her nativenumerical system? You'd get this:
That doesn't explain anything to the reader. Because in this scenario, Twilight isn't struggling to understand something. She's the central point of view, and it's the reader that must struggle to understand her. If this detail isn't explained to the reader, doesn't reveal character, or doesn't move the plot forward, it's just an obstacle for the reader.
Custom languages and numerical systems can be awesome story devices if they are handled well. But worldbuilding for the sake of worldbuilding is not effective storytelling.
3072518
I am just terrible at spelling.
I attempted to be funny. One could figure out that it is balanced ternary in a minute or 2, but it is not obvious, but more of a puzzle however.
Sorry, but I was not clear. It is my fault I shall try not to mess this up:
* The base the ponies use is always a different base.
* All written numbers use PonyNumerals and PonyBase.
* All spoken numbers, along with everything else the ponies say in PonyLanguage, we have magically translated into HumanLanguage.
* We never need to know what the written PonyNumerals in PonyBase mean, except in mysteries.
* Those humans interested in figuring out what the PonyNumbers are can use RosettaStoneSections like the section of writing with PonyNumerals in PonyBase with the TranslationSpell translating the muttering of Twilight for figuring out the PonyNumberSystem into the HumanNumberSystem, along with everything else the ponies say, as an EasterEgg.
Futurama does this with at least 2 alien-languages which can be read if one can figure out the alphabet and a 3rd language they never implemented. Understanding PonyNumbers would never be essential, except for mysteries, but would be an EasterEgg for the die-hard fans.
3070757
Blame the penny. It's not my fault I used a defective penny.
*shifty-eyed glance*
3072589
Don't feel too bad. I almost spelled it "Non Sequitor" before I looked it up.
Gaaah! My misunderstanding. Now I feel silly. :)
It's actually very fascinating how things like humor and sarcasm behave on the Internets.
We're getting super-off topic here (assuming we were ever ON topic to begin with), so I'll keep this brief.
I totally agree that custom-made languages and numerical systems are fantastic tools for making a culture feel authentic and alien. The only problem is that is can very easily become an obstacle for the reader unless it's handled with finesse.
The Futurama language is an excellent example: Most of the time it's hidden in the background as an Easter egg. Anytime it serves as a major plot point, it's either demystified by the end of the episode, or left as a satisfying mystery.
I do have a tragic tendency to not edit a lot of my stories when I throw them out to fend for themselves... but, I found this very entertaining and helpful. Next time you do a review you should link it!
As for the white-space... yeah, I do both. Indent and spacing. It's... it's intentional.
Mostly because it breaks more nicely on-screen than anything, both on computers and phones. If it were something I'd be printing I'd definitely get rid of the spaces!
That cracked me up, tho!
Edit: and kudos for noticing the capital-city status implied in that paragraph.