Fanfic Reviews - More Most Dangerous Edition · 2:54pm Jan 28th, 2015
I managed to finish an entry to the More Most Dangerous contest, called The Last Orchard. Well, finish might be too strong a word here, since I kinda cheated a bit. Originally, the current “ending” was going to be just the first half of the story. It would end quite a bit like My Little Dashie, only with a significant twist… except I never managed to think of an interesting angle. So, instead of forcing a lackluster ending, I decided to end in what, I believe, was the emotional core of the story.
Anyway, I felt like grabbing some of the other entries to read. I went through the ones published to fimfiction, and picked one from each category that:
A: Seemed interesting;
B: Wasn’t too long;
C: Wasn’t from an author I recognized;
This little search left me with:
I’m Just Me
Save the Records
Rainbow Dash the Spartan
Call the Stars Home
Recipe
Nightmare Knicks
As a reminder, fics are rated on a 0~10 scale, with 3 representing a mediocre fic, and 8 being where I can say I actually like a story.
Gumball2 – I’m Just Me – Tragedy – Past Sins Prompt
There is something more to one of Pinkie’s clones...
This is quite the convoluted story. It uses not only the Past Sins prompt, but also an alternate universe where the Pinkie Pie clones from Too Many Pinkies were locked in a reeducation camp. The AU aspect was fine, serving as a convenient excuse for the rest of the plot, despite having weird passages, like somepony stating that “The clones are less than them”. It points to something of a larger societal change that leads to something like this to happen, but without exploring exactly what, the whole thing feels overly convenient. Still, it was effective, and always felt like something that worked in service of the story.
The biggest issue, I felt, was the epistolary format. It starts off as an interesting way to show her changing mindset, but then becomes a burden to the story. I felt that in particular when they stop being presented as being written in real time, and start to show things that the character had already experienced. Thing is, it still keeps her mind set from the specific moments of the scene, including how it changes, and not the mindset while she is writing. Even worse, it is temporarily done only in her mind for a part of the fanfic. If the author was willing to go that far, I don’t see why not simply be done with it entirely. Sadly, this is one of those instances where the format seems to exist only to give a convenient excuse for why only certain passages were shown.
Beyond that, however, the fic does quite a few things right. The author proves himself quite capable of having exposition while still progressing the plot, and the way that Happy Smiles’ characterization evolves is nice to see, even if it takes some weird jumps. The Sombra is inside her brain angle is quite a weird turn of events, and while I feel the story could have done more with it, at least the ending salvages those loose threads. It not only ties everything together, but also manages to create quite a bit of catharsis thanks to her final decision. Overall, this is a story that would need quite a bit of work to shine, but is still a worthy entry to the contest.
Why it should be read: To read about a Pinkie clone evolving as a thinking being.
Stand out moment: The ending is nice, especially in how it portrays her decision to sacrifice herself as an act of free will, rather than an external imposition. However, the fact that she has that decision feels a bit disconnected from how the fic portrays the camp.
5/10
TheBandBrony – Save the Records – Literary Fiction – FoE prompt
After the bombs fell, what can make music survive?
Full Disclosure: I read this because it sounded like the weirdest thing ever. I was not disappointed.
I recommend, sincerely, you stop reading this review right now, and go read the fic. It isn’t the kind of thing for which a score means much, being more an experience than a story proper. In fact, it reads like as a beat poem. It is one of those things that needs a proper reading to do it justice – preferably in the key of E♭.
Anyway, as a story, it is an amazing view on the power of music, and the necessity of its preservation. It is about the indestructibility of the human spirit, about how meaningless it is to assign meaning to meaningless actions. It is poetry, and as poetry allows you to find almost anything you want to find in it. But above all it is about music, written by someone that knows and cares about it. It also reminds me a lot of the movie “Birdman”, in its form and presentation, particularly in how it uses an art form (writing) to talk about another (music), while adopting the trappings of the second.
It has nothing to do with ponies. The comments about the apocalypse are superfluous to the story proper, and could be done without, even if they do add a sense of desperation to the narration. As so, it is a complete failure in terms of the contest. It also is striking and unique and deserves to be read, and has the distinction of being the best music-related fanfic I have yet to read.
Why it should be read: This is unique.
Stand out moment: It is an experience, I can’t realistically pick one thing from the whole. Still, I really like the 6th paragraph.
9/10
Lord Mackeroth – Rainbow Dash the Spartan – Historical Fiction – MLD prompt
Leonidas finds Rainbow Dash.
Here we have a very original take on the MLD concept, which manages to work in its pseudo-historical context (this is explicitly Frank Miller’s Leonidas, after all), while still working as a reworking of My Little Dashie. One thing I always felt is that the life of the protagonist of MLD, for all he says about it being terrible, is fairly idyllic. Thus, shifting things to a darker time of human history is certainly a great move.
Editing is the biggest problem here. There are many typos, weird word choices, and sentences that go nowhere, as well as issues with telly dialogue, weird pacing, and inconsistent paragraph breaks. It is very unpolished, and while I can sympathise given the time constrains, it certainly brings the story down. The Epic Poem parts, while a nice idea, are also problematic. While there are some inspired lines, others fall flat. I am not particularly well versed in the form to point specific issues, but the whole thing felt uneven.
Another thing that bothers me with the story is that Rainbow Dash herself is barely a character in it. Leonidas talks a lot about her, what she means to him, and the build up to the Thermopylae is very interesting. While her presence is missed, I would be perfectly OK with this being Leonidas’ story. However, the ending is all Dash’s. The perspective suddenly changes to her, as she saves the greek army with a Sonic Rainboom, before going to Olympus with Celestia as a stop-over before Equestria. It is presented as a big character moment, but falls completely flat due to the lack of proper set-up. Celestia also felt off in this story, but I can’t quite point why.
Still, for all its faults, this is still a compelling narrative that does plenty of interesting things, and that works in the context of the contest. I would love to see a better realized version of this, but I will take what I can.
Why it should be read: For the premise.
Stand out moment: Leonidas doubts about educating “Pegasus” in a traditional Spartan manner.
6/10
PropMaster – Call the Stars Home – Sci-Fi – Anthropology prompt
Lyra discovers clues to an ancient civilization.
I was heavily invested on this story for at least the first two thirds, until the ending took me away completely. It has a lot going for it: Great characterizations, good dialogue, it is well paced, and uses the mystery of the nature of the discovery very well. There is a great subplot with Twilight wanting her new castle to be more accommodating of visitors, and how good she feels about it being used in order to help others. Also, even though the quality of the poetry leaves something to be desired, the creation myths are very interesting, particularly in how they reflect each culture. Of course, I am a sucker for this kind of stuff, but they do add something to the story, besides reinforcing Lyra’s search as more academic than obsessive.
That only makes the poorly handled ending hurt that much more. It is chock-full with clichés I detest, like Luna’s uncontested “this knowledge is bad because I said so!”, or the whole “Humanity destroyed itself because humans are so greedy!” angle, as well as how it ends with everyone crying. It was preachy, telly, and pretty much half-baked in most aspects. Not even referencing Sagan (which is a thing scientists working in such a project would 100% do, by the way) was enough to make me like it.
Overall, it meshes well with the contest itself, and isn’t actually bad, but the ending would need some serious reworking in order for the story to be great.
Why it should be read: For some great interactions between Twilight and Lyra.
Stand out moment: The creation myths.
6.5/10
warewolves – Recipe – Grimdark – Cupcakes prompt
Pinkie Pie has killed Rainbow Dash, and Twilight has to do something about it.
This is a story with significant issues. It is way too telly, the plot is very straightforward, and despite how much actually happens, it is very boring, just going through the paces. It isn’t more than an extensions of Cupcakes, where all the elements are Serial Killers, ordained by Celestia in some religious sense. Sadly, it doesn’t do anything interesting with the concept, playing it as straight as possible.
The greatest issue here is the lack of atmosphere. That is the lifeblood of horror, and without it even the creepy “paint the world with blood” talk falls completely flat. It isn’t snappy enough to be goofy either, which would have been fine (like in Cupcakes). Instead, we get something bland and essentially inoffensive.
Characterization is also another issue. Other than some common identifiers (darlings, Applejackisms, Flutterllipses), all characters speak in essentially the same way, and even seem motivated by the same stuff. There is little care about how each of these characters deal with the fact they killing others differently, or what motivates them in particular. In the end, I appreciate what the author was going for, but the whole thing left me underwhelmed.
Why it should be read:This is some pretty generic grimdark.
Stand out moment: The whole Scootaloo sequence was just perfectly goofy.
2/10
Super Trampoline – Nightmare Knicks – Trollfic – Past Sins
Come on and SLAM, welcome to the JAM.
Yeah, consider this a bonus round. Half of me wants to copy the lyrics to Quad City’s masterpiece and call it a review. The other part would like to take a moment just to sit right there, and tell you how Super Trampoline is quite a good troll. This fic knows what it is, isn’t ashamed for a single second, and proceeds throwing as much goofy shit as possible in order to see what sticks. And quite a bit does, since I found myself laughing more than once.
This isn’t going to earn any awards, or change your life. It might even get disqualified for being a crossover, sorta. I also don’t get any of the Basketball references, but I was thoroughly entertained. Also noteworthy is that it is actually written competently, specially when you consider it is a trollfic.
Why it should be read: If you can get into the mindset, it is quite good.
Stand out moment: ”Nyx's body was taking directions from 12 different people. It was like a meat-puppet version of "Twitch Plays Pokemon"”
5/10
And that is it for Round 1. Next time, some fics from authors I follow.
Fair enough.
Glad to hear someone else agrees with me about Save the Records. Not very pony, but an incredible experience to read.
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I pretty much can understand all of your issues with the story, except two of your issues.
There's a pretty good reason Luna gives for being worried about Twilight. She's never out-and-out angry due to knowledge, but due to the potential danger involved with dealing with things beyond one's understanding. Luna says,
Though she is initially cryptic in her statements, I thought that this clarified the real issue behind her denying Lyra the discovery: she's afraid of others being corrupted. In the IDW comics, it's pretty much out-and-out said that Luna's turn to Nightmare Moon was in part her jealousy, and in part her being coerced and corrupted by The Nightmare, an evil being from the moon that ended up taking control of her. Luna has every reason to be concerned with stuff hiding between the stars, because the last time she went looking she ended up corrupted. I thought this was a pretty legit reading of the character and a reasonably—if driven by fear—in-character reaction.
The most likely way for Mankind to die is because we destroy ourselves. If you created a list of "top ten ways Mankind is wiped out", 1-9 would be stuff we do to ourselves. Destroying our ecosystem due to pollution/war/disease/uncontrolled GMOs/etc is incredibly likely. Also, in that, the reasons for mankind destroying itself isn't really ever made clear, only that we made mistakes and did not take care of our planet, and in the process caused the destruction of our planet's ecosystem on a grand scale, to the point where the only solution was a drastic one. "The path of the conqueror" wasn't meant to be taken literally, it's more of a reflection of how we treat our planet. It is a REALISTIC portrayal of humanity's deepest flaw.
Regardless of those two points where we disagree, I can understand the preachy tones being off-putting and some of the other issues you had with the ending. It's not perfect, but it is what it is. Thanks a ton for reading my story and taking the time to review it! I really, really appreciate your thoughts. I'm glad you enjoyed the creation myths, and I'm glad you have enough of a discerning eye to wince a bit at the poem I made for the Zebras - I love poetry, but execution of a poem like that was difficult and the result was flawed.
2755133 I should have expanded more on that in the review, but my main issues with the heroic verse were the flow and consistency, as you put it. I just didn't mention it since it could possibly be common and not something I was used to.
As for Rainbow, I am OK with her taking over the story in the end, but the fact that she didn't figure in much of anything up to that point made the ending have much less impact. A character arc might be too strong for what I missed, and having she be less passive might have been enough.
And as for Celestia... I guess that makes sense. It was just a bit hard to differentiate between this being your interpretation of the character, instead of a result of her environment. Maybe you could have her act normal when not talking about the Greeks? Not sure how well that would work.
2755133 Oh, and about the editing, It looks a lot better now. I am not a huge fan of not skipping paragraphs during dialog, but it is consistent enough for me not to mind that much. And yeah, when you edit by yourself, a lot of bizarre stuff seems to appear as if from nowhere. I might have some of my notes of specific wrong stuff around here, I will send them your way if I find them.
Thanks for turning me on to "Save the Records". The comment left there by ROBCakeran is "as good as" the story.