Badfic Slaughterhouse #11 · 8:59pm Sep 10th, 2014
Gasping for breath, Prak fell to his knees. The dreadfully pale, pimply form of his nemesis, Crappy Author, loomed above him, spinning his Pen of Shameful Ineptitude in his fingers. Fetid ink flew from its tip and splattered onto the ground, each droplet giving birth to a new alicorn OC.
“You are beaten, Prak,” said Crappy Author. “No matter how hard you fight, bad fanfics will always be read by the masses. A few reviews can’t change that.”
Prak closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then, with renewed vigor, he opened his eyes and forced himself back to his feet. “You’re right, Crappy.”
“Of course I am,” Crappy Author said, smirking as he renewed his grip on the pen, preparing it for another strike if Prak so much as twitched a literary muscle. “It’s not too late for you, though. You can still join me.”
Prak raised an eyebrow, but said nothing in reply.
“Think of it. You can have hundreds of thousands of story views and ten times as many followers. All you have to do is churn out an endless stream of derivative, uninspired short stories and clopfics. It takes no effort at all, and the masses will love you for it!”
With a long sigh, Prak slouched, abandoning his proud posture. “I know all that, Crappy, but I can’t do it. I’d rather toil in obscurity than give up my standards.”
“Then you will perish, Prak!” cried Crappy Author as he raised his pen to strike the killing blow.
Prak smirked and rose back to his full height. “But I know nothing something you don’t.”
Crappy Author paused with his weapon held high above his head. “What’s that?”
“I'm writing you.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Prak snapped his fingers, and Crappy Author suffered a fatal heart attack. His opponent vanquished, Prak sat down at his desk to compile a new set of reviews.
The Stars Ascendant, by Titanium Dragon
Tags: Slice of Life
Rating: Everyone
Length: 2,542 (Complete – 1/1 chapter read)
Synopsis: Celestia and Luna discuss the events of the season 4 finale.
Review: I’ve been meaning to get around to this one for a while, actually. I didn’t know what to expect from it, but I hoped that was a good thing. After all, the story had plenty of room to surprise me.
Unfortunately, the only surprise was how underwhelming it proved to be.
While it’s technically well-written, there’s no substance to it. Celestia and Luna serve not as characters, but as mouthpieces for the author’s own thoughts about the events in the finale. It’s essentially a headcanon/exposition dump with no plot to speak of and only a token emotional conflict. The unique setting—”the starry realm of ascension”—serves no purpose and doesn’t contribute to the story in any meaningful way; they could be sitting at a table, sipping tea, and nothing would be lost.
This is another example of the FIMFiction community giving a high rating to a piece that has no real merit as a story simply because it’s inoffensive and deals with popular subject matter.
Verdict: Harmless, but worthless. Not recommended.
To Judge A Book, by LickleSoxy
Tags: Slice of Life
Rating: Everyone
Length: 4,328 words (Incomplete – 2/2 chapters read)
Synopsis: Twilight discovers a new fact about Discord that changes the way ponies see him.
Review: I like to keep an eye out for new authors who show a lot of potential, so when I saw this story in the popular box with a high ratio and noticed that its author had less than 20 followers, I figured I should give it a shot. For once, that did not prove to be a poor choice.
This story is still in its setup phase, so it’s hard to judge it accurately at this point. However, the premise of Discord being a child by draconequus standards is intriguing and the writing is largely competent. Characterization is solid so far, and the pacing is good. However, the prose is a bit weak. The author overuses modifiers, with adverbs being the worst offenders, and the narration can get a little repetitious at times.
Mechanically speaking, it’s almost flawless, with nothing more severe than a typo or two, and maybe a couple comma errors so minor that you’d have to be looking for them to pick them out.
Verdict: Despite its narrative flaws, this story has a lot of potential in its premise. It remains to be seen whether that promise will be fulfilled, but you should definitely check it out.
I Will Always Wait For You, by Deep
Tags: Tragedy, Sad
Rating: Teen
Length: 1,837 words (Complete – 1/1 chapter read)
Synopsis: Rainbow Dash laments her actions leading up to Scootaloo’s disappearance.
Review: Judging by the cover, I figured this would be Scootaloo sadfic #846752357, but I was mistaken. Despite being a tagged character, Scootaloo does not even appear in this story. However, it has an abundance of Rainbow Dash narrating her regrets about how she interacted with Scoots.
Being a first-person story, the most obvious question is whether the POV character, Rainbow Dash, is characterized properly. The answer is sorta. The character voice is mostly okay, but there are a few jarring bits where the word choice is so obviously wrong that it yanked me right out of the story.
Unfortunately, this entire story is an exposition dump. All points of major conflict are barely even mentioned. There’s no tension, no mystery, no character arc, and no resolution. In addition, canon is acknowledged only as far as it’s convenient to the narrative; when it isn’t, it gets kicked to the curb.
Mechanically, the worst problem is a bunch of missing commas. However, it also has an over-abundance of semicolons, sometimes as many as four appearing in a single paragraph.
Verdict: The only reprieve from the boredom inflicted by this story is when it becomes irritating. Not recommended.
Armored Equestria: The Day, by Graxdon
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Adventure, Alternate Universe
Rating: Everyone
Length: 3,087 words (Complete – 2/2 chapters read)
Synopsis: An AU main six does stuff that isn’t properly explained and annoys readers.
Review: Disregard those tags. This “story” delivers none of it except the AU part. It barely delivers anything at all, in fact.
I’ve seen stories that try to tell a story, but fail at it. I’ve seen stories that have massive amounts of telling and gloss over major events because the author couldn’t be bothered (or didn’t know how) to write them out. I’ve seen stories that get bogged down in mundane or trivial events. This, however, revealed to me a level of awfulness I have never seen before. In this puddle of zombie vomit, the interesting things are left out entirely.
The first chapter consists of an AU main six waking up and being excited about doing something or other, but the second chapter consists of them being congratulated by their relatives after the fact. Not only is the interesting part not shown, it isn’t even detailed clearly via exposition after the fact. All we know going in is they’re all heirs to their respective houses, and when the story ends, they’ve become… the heirs to their respective houses?
In a bizarre twist of fate, however, this story is grammatically competent. In fact, there’s very little to complain about. I just don’t understand how someone can have such strong language skills, but have such a terrible understanding of what storytelling is all about. Has this person never read a book?
Verdict: This blows. Avoid it like the plague (Which plague? All the plagues.) unless you’re curious about whether it really is that bad. Just remember that I warned you.
The Mane 6 vs. the Islamic State, by CategoricalGrant
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Rating: Mature
Length: 2,395 words (Complete – 1/1 chapter read)
Synopsis: A couple of ISIS members take a wrong turn at Albuquerque (not really) and wind up in Equestria.
Review: First of all, check your political correctness at the door for this one. It’s controversial enough that the author had to put a big ol’ note right at the top to explain how he’s just making fun of ISIS, not Islam in general, and he really loves and respects Islam for advancing humanity for a thousand years, which is just begging for some troll to respond with a comment saying they’ve spent the past few centuries moving backwards.
As for the story itself, it has some good humor, although it is the risky sort that will inevitably alienate and/or offend some readers. It wears a little thin by the end, unfortunately, and it goes out on a bit of a whimper. It also pointlessly repeats a gag about the terrorists’ bullets, which never gets a proper explanation in the first place.
On the mechanical front, it has a few scattered punctuation errors and a bit of saidism abuse, but who really cares? It’s a borderline crackfic.
Verdict: If a wacky random comedy about moronic religious wackos getting pwned by ponies sounds like your idea of a good time, you’re practically guaranteed to get a few laughs. If not, stay far away.
Diplomacy by Other Means, by Georg
Tags: Sad, Adventure
Rating: Teen
Length: 53,269 words (Complete – 6/18 chapters read)
Synopsis: Four ponies are sent on a diplomatic mission to avert war with the griffons, but the plan goes horribly wrong.
Review: With a primarily OC cast, characterization is important, and the author does a good job of establishing each of them in short order. They’re well-balanced and interesting with entertaining dynamics between them.
The story moves along at a solid pace, although it’s a bit slow to get started, and while I have yet to finish it, I’m interested enough to keep reading a chapter here and there when I have some free time.
The mechanics are almost flawless, but the author has a tendency to use commas in some unnecessary places, which occasionally makes a sentence red a little awkwardly. Overall, though, there’s very little to complain about.
Verdict: This is good stuff. If you like OC adventure stories and world building, check it out.
It was Beauty that Killed the Beast, by Noble Thought
Tags: Sad, Alternate Universe
Rating: Everyone
Length: 1,958 words (Complete – 1/1 chapter read)
Synopsis: Cheerilee puts on a hat and visits a grave.
Review: In terms of mechanics, this is impeccable aside from a few really minor comma errors that only a picky bastard like me is going to notice. Unfortunately, while this piece is readable, it doesn’t say anything I consider worth reading.
Cheerilee being the main character serves very little purpose because nothing of importance would change without her. All of her dialogue, thoughts, and actions are driven by the needs of the plot without adding anything to her characterization, and there isn’t a driving conflict behind it. It’s really just a snapshot of a sad way the events of that episode could have gone, related after the fact.
Verdict: Fans of “what if” stories might appreciate this, but with its lack of meaningful content, I can’t recommend it to anyone else.
Well, I said I’d do this one. Might as well bite the bullet and get it over with.
Tainted Love: A Twysalis prompt tag Collab, by various authors
Tags: Romance, Slice of Life
Rating: Teen, Sex
Length: 51,482 words (Incomplete – 5/56 chapters read)
Synopsis: A bunch of short stories that ship Twilight Sparkle with Chrysalis.
Review: This is really confusing. Each author seems to have his/her own idea about how changelings work, what time it should be set it, and what sort of relationship the main characters have. Some chapters are continued in later ones, but the continuations don’t directly follow on the list. They don’t follow any consistent tone; some are comedic, while others are pretty grim. It’s hard to get invested in any of them when you have to figure out the rules each time you open a new chapter.
The skill levels of the authors vary wildly. Some of them have impeccable grammar, and others don’t seem to know a comma from a cucumber. Some have big problems with LUS. Some use too much telling. Almost twenty different authors are involved, so it would take far too long to details the strengths and weaknesses of each one.
Verdict: Honestly, I don’t know. If you think the concept is interesting, check it out and decide for yourself. If it doesn’t sound like a good idea, you won’t find anything to change your mind.
And that’s it for another round of stories. Maybe the next few stories I read will be better, but if this description of Rainbow Dash as “the chromatic cloud-culler” is any indication, I’m not off to a good start. Wish me luck.
Want me to take a shot at a particular story? Make a request in the comments.
Rules:
—It can be yours or someone else’s, and I don’t care whether it’s good or a train wreck.
—You can request a story of any length, but I won’t guarantee that I’ll read anything over 10k words, and if I do, I might not read all of it.
—One request per person per review post, and only on the most recent one.
—If I don’t like your story, don’t be butthurt over it. It's just one guy's opinion, and I'll probably recommend it for someone, even if I hate it.
I greatly enjoyed reading this. Your wit and critical eye are always enjoyable to read, and I like that your reviews are so professional. Well played, sir.
-Lumino
Eh, first comment was kinda flat, I apologize. In the mean time, if you feel like some feels, I highly recommend you take a look at Claro De Luna. Which makes me cry every time I read it.
Estee has a number of good ones, if you need a break. Pony Up A Tree, One Tenth-Bit, Permanent Record, and Sonic Rainbigot all fit you criterion(chose whichever as my offical "Pick" if you want).
I've got a few new stories on my read later list now. Thank you for doing this, Prak. I really appreciate the time and effort you put into reading and reviewing. The reviews are great!
I agree with you about Beauty. It was a rushed piece. I'm not terribly proud of it except for the accomplishment of turning out a quick story based on a wild idea. I still kinda like the way it came out, even if there's not much substance to it.
So... something I started reading, but haven't finished. It's a longer one, and also not my own.
The Unicorn at Hogwarts by Saphroneth
I like both universes... so... felt interesting to see what a highly rated story could do with both. Still reading it, myself.
Please, could you give a review to a massively underrated story: Friendship is Software
Don't let the tags put you off, it's incredible.
You might actually enjoy this one a whole bunch
I do enjoy these reviews that you do. As for a fic suggestion, I am curious what you think about I'll Always be Here for You by The Abyss. It's a very highly rated story and I want to hear what you make of it.
If you've already reviewed it before (I can't remember at the moment and don't really wanna dig through your previous blogs
), then carry on with whatever fics you bring to the slaughterhouse!
Yet not the Futa Chrysalis and Twilight Sparkle chronicles. (The one where they have milkshakes is great, trust me.)
can you do this story http://www.fimfiction.net/story/185827/how-hard-could-it-be
2444295
Always happy to entertain.
2444300
Dear God, that's a long chapter. No promises on this one.
2444504
I've enjoyed a lot of Estee's work in the past, including a lot of those. I'll slip one into the next blog.
2444545
I know how that goes. A couple of my own stories were banged out quickly and lack substance, but I still like them. I wouldn't blame anyone else for printing them out for birdcage lining, though.
2444588
Noted, but it would make it easier if you would edit a link in there.
2444673
I've apparently read the first two chapters of that one, but it isn't faved or in my read later list, nor did I give it a thumb, so I probably found it boring. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
2444931
Done
Man, these reviews of yours really are well done. Also, you make me laugh more than a barrel of monkeys, and monkeys. Are. Hilarious. O_O
I want to recommend something that's been in my read later list for a long time.
Moonlight
If it's not too much trouble, I'd really like to get an opinion of my newest story, Getting Their Just Desert. It hasn't gotten a whole lot of attention, and I wonder if I'm doing such a good job.
I missed this review until I caught it on Loganberry's Big Master Review List. Very nice. Thanks.
4575804
Wow. I haven't look at these old blogs in forever. I still hadn't even finalized the style for my reviews when I posted this. Gotta admit, though, it makes me want to do this again.
Let posterity show that what is soon to happen is entirely Georg's fault!
4575854 (nudge) Drifting Down the Lazy River (nudge)
4575886 I was actually thinking about a "Punching Up" special edition, which would involve reviewing the highest rated stories of the five most-followed authors on the site. But that would mean reading Winter Bells, Fallout: Equestria, and other long stories. Damn near a million words. Too much investment.