Critique's Review: Soren the Alicorn Part 1: Part 1 · 5:56pm Aug 6th, 2014
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
Stop me when this sounds stupid.
An OC alicorn loses his memory-
That sure didn’t take long, did it?
Yes, the idea is not a promising one, is it? Frankly, you are all not alone on this. As I look down to the comment section to see what others have said about the story, their refusal to read this story has made me question whether or not it was actually any good.
Spoilers, it sucks. But just exactly how does it suck? Well, that’s what you’re here to find out. So, let’s dig into Soren the Alicorn: Part 1 by King Nyroc15 and see why people hate OC alicorns so much.
Before we even start the story, we get a healthy author’s note.
Before you all dive into this interesting story,
I somehow have a feeling that line is a lie.
I would like to say that this story has some references and ideas created by other people.
Translation: I am going to rip off other people’s ideas and claim it as my own.
Oh, and it turns out I’m not that far from that either.
From real life songs to little ideas based off of other people's work.
Well, I’ll give this guy this much. At least he’s being honest when he’s stealing someone’s work.
I would also like to point out that the story MAY contain parts in the beginning that you may not understand, so just push past it and maybe it will be explained later in the story.
I would certainly hope so, because that may or may not make what you said stupid.
Maybe ;).
Okay, so that means nothing is going to be explained. Oh, joy of joys.
Also, for the songs, ponify any words that fit the scene.
Copy and paste is your friend!
Enjoy the story.
I’m pretty sure I won’t. The story basically said that it’s going to copy from some other stories and that it may or may not contain explanations to everything. Wonderful…
We open our story with this narration.
Ever since the Elements of Harmony defeated the evil King Sombra and saved the Crystal Empire,
Bull crap! It was the Crystal Heart that defeated King Sombra, not the Elements of Harmony! The first sentence and already the continuity of the show has been thrown out the window! Well, that or he is calling Twilight and her friends ‘the Elements of Harmony’, but that’s another can of stupid!
The small, colorful town of Ponyville was one of the only places in Equestria where things are never quite normal.
Of course, in a town where Pinkie Pie is a resident, can you ever truly be in a town that is normal?
More events have happened there than any other area in the country. And on this day, in the beginning of autumn, another event is going to happen. An event that will change Ponyville, and possibly all of Equestria, forever.
Princess Twilight Sparkle has declared that every Tuesday will be Taco Tuesday!
So, we cut to a Pegasus who wakes up in a strange place. I’ll give this story points for having him not appear in the Everfree Forest. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash find him and try to comfort him.
However, directly afterward, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash see that…
"You...You're...an ALICORN?!" she asked.
We don’t like alicorns in these parts! Burn him at the stake!
Rainbow Dash asks who the kid is, but the kid responses that he can’t remember. We then have Rainbow Dash asking herself what is a kid doing out here. Fluttershy tries to comfort him and then… she starts thinking about how his wings are?
And then we have the alicorn kid, thinking about how he is being treated like a kid?
Okay, this is really confusing. I understand that the characters are being shown their thought process, but it comes off too frequently. Yeah, there are no rules against changing points of view in a third person story, but it isn’t even a sentence and the characters that speak sometimes aren’t the same characters that have thoughts in the same paragraph. It’s really hard to tell one character thoughts apart from the character that is speaking.
The kid then realizes that he’s an adult in a kid’s body. Rainbow Dash doesn’t believe him saying…
"You can stop the charade, kid," she said. "You dont expect us to believe you have amnesia and you're a fully grown stallion."
Man, I didn’t expect Rainbow Dash to be such an ass to kids.
Huh, I stand corrected.
So, Rainbow Dash continues to interrogate the kid when suddenly, the stress of the questions causes the kid’s horn to start glowing and turns Rainbow Dash into ice. And rather than fleeing in terror like Fluttershy probably should, she instead tries to comfort the little alicorn and says that she will take him to somepony who can help him. They leave Rainbow Dash stuck in the ice with the little alicorn stating to himself…
'Maybe this mare knows that the ice will melt eventually?' he asked himself, slowly doubting that she did.
Yes, but Rainbow Dash was found dead afterwards. We can start with murder on the list of things I do not like about this character.
Fluttershy takes him to all the friends she has in Ponyville before finally stopping at Twilight’s house to get her opinion on the whole thing.
'Geez, I didnt realize this town was mostly female,' the grown(?) foul thought to himself. 'Not that I'm complaining.'
I would like to remind you that there are plenty of male characters in the show.
Shining Armor, Big MacIntosh, Pipsqueak, Spike, Doctor Whooves (or some of you prefer Time Turner), Fancy Pants, Mr. Cake, Filthy Rich, Doc Top, The Conductor, Gizmo, Randolf, Bulk Biceps (or Snowflake as some of you prefer) Cloud Chaser, Crafty Crate, etc.
Okay, of all of those mentioned only two are actual major characters, but there are a good amount of stallions as there are mares. Just saying.
Upon seeing the young alicorn, Twilight it seems goes through a strange variety of emotions.
The unicorn's expression went from shocked to nervous to extreme excitement.
Well, at least these emotions are shown to us in a fashion that would indicate these emotions being conveyed. … I am running out of ways to say, SHOW, DON’T TELL! Hell, emoticons could have shown more emotion.
So, Twilight asks the little alicorn who he is and where he comes from, but the alicorn claims he can’t remember. The others arrive and Twilight asks why Rainbow Dash didn’t believe that the little alicorn’s story.
"Because how was i supposed to know that he was telling the truth? And how do we know he is an actual alicorn? Maybe somepony put a spell on him or something. He's at least a unicorn; I know that personally." The alicorn chuckled secretly.
Yes, because I’m sure somepony just duct taped those wings onto him. I’m know that Rainbow Dash isn’t the brightest, but come on. Even the High Road had a more intelligent Rainbow Dash than this!
So, Twilight begins to write a letter to Celestia, explaining the situation. Rarity says that they need to come up with a name for him. I personally like Road Kill; since that’s what I hope he’ll be when this is all over. However, Rainbow Dash suggests ‘Soren.’
Well, okay, it’s not the most pony name you could have given him. But at the very least, it’s not like some super special name that has significance to who he is destined to be or some bullshit like that-
"In the history of Cloudsdale, there was a pegasus called Soren the Swift. He was the fastest and most skilled flyer in all of Equestria. Pegasi alike adored him and wished to be like him. Looking at this kid right here and knowing what magic he can do...I can tell he's got potential. So that's what we'll call him: Soren."
Oh, good. We are giving the name of somepony that everypony adored and wanted to be like, to a character who the author wants us to adore and wish to be like. I don’t see any connection to this whatsoever. Nope, no connection at all.
So, the group cheers and they receive Princess Celestia’s response, saying that she is concerned about Soren’s memory loss.
She says that she is sending her sister, Luna, to watch over Soren while he stays with Twilight.
Soren could guess that this Luna character was going to be interesting...
More so than you, kid.
Luna arrives and starts to examine Soren, trying to figure out how he came to be and what his special talent is. Luna explains that she needs to consult Celestia and that she will be back later. She charges Twilight with caring for Soren and flies off.
Twilight asks Soren to come with her to consult her friends on what to do next. And then, we just skip over them going to their friends and arrive at Fluttershy’s cottage. Huh? The story mentions that they arrived at Sweet Apple Acres, Rarity’s and Pinkie Pie’s places, and yet there was no mention of what they did there or how the characters interacted with Soren. Makes me wonder what the hell the point of that was.
They arrive at Fluttershy’s cottage where they try to see if Soren can calm the animals after they have been pointlessly scared by Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Seems kind of cruel for those characters. Maybe Fluttershy pissed them off or something.
Soren then starts to sing and manages to calm the animals down. With that, he discovers his special talent, singing.
Okay, if he manages to make this story like the Pied Piper where his singing makes all the animals follow him to invade Canterlot, that would be freaking awesome. But I doubt that the author will go that route, so let’s just move on.
So, everypony starts to throw a big party for Soren. I would question why, but it is headed by Pinkie Pie, so you win this round story.
Soren gets on stage and gets ready to sing. Suddenly, his horn starts glowing and instruments all around him start playing for him. This … makes no sense. There is mention of Vinyl Scratch (or DJ Pon3 as some of you call her. A name that I hate. And yes, I realize that DJ Pon3 is a more popular choice, but I’m getting off topic). So, Vinyl is mentioned of being there, why not have her equipment aid him in playing the song? Is this so that Soren is made so powerful that he doesn’t require help from others? Way to make your character relatable, story.
So, he starts singing the words to ‘Undisclosed Desires’ by Muse and as he sings it, he looks towards Luna.
Luckily, most of the chapter is the lyrics to the song, so I don’t have to bother reading. That’s the only good thing about the music in this fan fiction. I went over this a little bit in Mykan’s My Little Unicorn, but it bears repeating. This is a written story. There shouldn’t be music like this in it! Unless it is described to us in a very eloquent way, we are never going to be able to connect with this song.
Now, I realize that I can just open another window and open up the page on YouTube and listen to the song from there, but that’s not the point! Imagine if this was a book and you were expected to hear the song being played. Could you hear it from the lyrics by itself? Especially if you don’t know the song they are talking about?
If a song is described to us, the tempo, the notes, the key changes, the emotion that the piece gives to us, then we are able to connect to it. By the way, you want a story that actually does this right? Why don’t you give Symphony of the Moon and Sun by GrassandClouds2 a read?
Luna congratulates him on his singing.
"Twas a great performance," Luna said. "We do not know the last time we heard such an amazing singer."
This goes back to the poor description of the singing, along with show, don’t tell. We are told that Soren is a good singer, but it’s really hard to believe it when I can hear his damn singing and you don’t bother with any kind of description!
Luna says her goodbyes and travels to the Everfree forest. Soren grows concerned about Luna and goes to Twilight to help him look for her. They start to search around the Everfree forest when they start to hear singing. Soren finds the source to be Luna.
Soren discovers that Luna is secretly kidnapping children with her magical singing voice.
Oh, wait, I’m thinking of something with more quality than this story. My bad.
No, Soren discovers that, before she was banished, Luna loved to sing and that his singing has inspired her to take up singing again. Somepony get me a barf bag.
They travel back to the library where Celestia arrives the next day. Celestia explains that Soren is an Elemental Guardian, and that he is destined to protect Equestria, the Elements of Harmony, the Crystal Empire, the Galaxy, Narnia, Oz, Middle Earth, Kypton, Hyrule, and Spira. … Give or take a few.
Bottom line, he is so special that he must be protected at all times and he has great powers that he must unlock to save the world, blah, blah, blah. I don’t care. Let’s just see if there are any redeemable qualities about this story.
"So...I am special?"
Get used to seeing that line, folks. It’s all over the place in this story.
Celestia and Luna explain that they need to fix the problem with him being a stallion in a colt’s body. And say that they will be staying on Ponyville to keep an eye on his progress.
Soren then starts spending time with the main six, learning about him and with him learning about the main six. Of course, this would be actually interesting if we were actually shown this rather than just being told it, but hell, why would we want to add investment into a character we are going to be with the entire story? Pfft, where’d you get that stupid idea?!
So, later that night, Soren starts having nightmares about a black alicorn attacking him.
Ha, I see what you’re up to! You’re trying to make another alicorn to make us think you’re character isn’t a bad character! Well, guess what, I’m onto your evil plot!
After the nightmare, he goes to visit Princess Celestia to discuss the dream he was having.
Celestia, if I might ask, did you and Luna have a mother?" Celestia just stared at Soren and slightly chuckled.
"No, my little pony, not a physical mother, at least."
We were born the way all alicorns are born. We just appeared one day and the sky popped us out of her vagina. … It was really weird.
And then… Soren starts to freak out? What the hell? Yeah, Soren starts to panic about what Celestia told him. And while Celestia starts to think about how Nightmare Moon and Luna are the same pony, it isn’t made clear if that is what upset Soren. We are never shown anything that might make Soren upset. Would somepony please shoot me?! Or at the very least, make sense of what is going on?!
Anyway, after Soren throws his hissy fit, he meets with Fluttershy to discuss why Soren is so upset. He tells Fluttershy that Luna frightens him, but Fluttershy can’t believe it.
"Luna? But she's friendly. Why are you scared of her?"
I’d like to recap what your first response to Luna was, Fluttershy.
Granted, it was Nightmare Night and you did have past experiences with Nightmare Moon, but that still doesn’t excuse it.
However, just as Soren gets into his depression, Luna appears…
Pretty soon, Flutteryshy and Soren were approached by a young, beautiful, blue mare with a light blue mane.
So, Luna is the love interest?
Pfft, no, she’s not. That’s stupid.
Sir, he is constantly talking about how beautiful and wonderful she is. It is obvious that she is the romantic interest.
No, she isn’t. That would be just stupid.
Five bits says she is.
You’re on! I got this in the bag.
However, Soren seems to get over his crippling fear of Luna rather quickly and starts blushing again.
Shut up, that doesn’t mean anything!
Soren and Luna have a conversation together, where it is revealed that Soren has reached his full height. Thanks for that important subplot. And then Luna kisses him.
Looks like I win.
One kiss does not mean shit! Game is still on!
You just cannot admit that you lost.
Shut up! We still got 27 more chapters of this!... Oh, god, I’ve still got 27 more chapters of this…
A few days pass and Celestia starts to prepare a home in Cloudsdale for Soren. Why don’t they build a house for him in Ponyville since that is where Celestia and Luna are going to be frequenting to keep him safe? Because Soren doesn’t want an earth house, that’s why! Stupid racist bastard!
He starts to describe the town that Soren is starting to become familiar with and it’s at this point that I can’t really ignore what is going on with the narrative.
It swaps back and forth between past tense and present tense. My fucking god, people! How hard it is to stay in a single tense?! Good fucking god, keep your past tense past! And your present tense present! It’s not really that hard!
Also, the grammar, if you haven’t notice doesn’t seem to be all that much better. This story needs a proofreader. Badly.
Soren runs into Twilight and asks if there is anything he can do to help the town. Twilight doesn’t really know what to say, since the last few days have been calm.
Also, that seems a bit out of her jurisdiction since by this point, she isn't an alicorn, but whatever.
'Sure he's supposed to be the Elemental Guardian, but that doesn't mean there's always going to be something interesting happening.
Like right now for instance. Seriously, nothing comes of this scene. Nothing.
So, Twilight takes in Soren as an assistant and ends up firing Spike since he never appears in the rest of the story.
Jesus, forget the Applejack-hate. What about the freaking Spike-hate?! I know he’s not a pony, but good lord, please tell me that there is someone out there who actually likes Spike!
I mean, look at that face. Don’t you just feel horrible not including him in your fanfiction. You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Shame on you!
Luna appears in Ponyville and makes an announcement at Town Square. She explains to the town that she will be staying in Ponyville to conduct an experiment. After the town meeting, Twilight asks what kind of experiment they will be working on. With Celestia responding,-
"My faithful student, I think it best that nopony knows what Luna is truly working on. It's a surprise."
Does that mean Luna will be having sex with Soren, even though it doesn’t make any sense since they just met each other and have barely shared a conversation together?
Of course not. That would be just contrived and force and wouldn’t make any sense. Isn’t that right, Luna?
Pinkie Pie then suggests that they throw a party for Luna’s arrival in Ponyville.
"We should all have a sleepover to celebrate you staying here." Half of the mares (and Soren) face-hoofed.
So, half of them thought this was a good idea? Which half? By the way, I thought they enjoyed Pinkie Pie’s parties? Are you saying what I think you’re saying?
So, this is how Cupcakes got started.
"If it would please thee that much then we will accept your party invitation." All of the girls, except Pinkie, stood mouths agape at the princess' answer.
Jesus, do the girls really not like Pinkie’s parties anymore?! Rainbow Dash, I would start writing your will, because I think your name is coming up.
'A sleepover with all my friends and my crush...This should be interesting.'
Unfortunately, it won’t be.
And if you think I’m lying, I’m not. He doesn’t go into details about the sleepover other than, “The characters did this” and “the characters did that”, blah, blah, blah! Tell a fucking story! Show us what they were doing, don’t just tell us! They say they were having conversations. Okay, who was conversing? What were they conversing about? How did each of the characters react to each conversation? How did they move on to the next conversation? What was learned about each other from the conversations? Were there debates in the conversation? If so, who were they between?! What were they arguing about?! These are all questions that should have been answered in the story! But no, we can’t be bothered to learn about our main character or anything he is into or his interactions with the Elements of Harmony, who he is supposed to be protecting! Dear lord, I hate this story!
After the party, Soren starts having nightmares as he enters an old clock tower. He enters a library in the clock tower and finds a group of strange creatures talking to one another.
He wakes up after hearing the creature, known as the Knower, discussing how long a yet unseen entity will remain unconscious for.
Soren ponders what it could mean, but dismisses it when he sees Luna. They have some romantic moments and –
So, you admit, I win?
Fuck you, they could break up! We still have plenty of story to go through!
When has that ever happened in one of these stories?
… You… I mean… um… Shut up!
The next day, Luna takes Soren and Twilight to Vinyl’s joint where they plan to dance the night away. However, it turns out that a group of singers have been invited by Vinyl to come sing for the club.
The group listen to the singers for a while and Rainbow Dash says that Soren could out-sing them. Unfortunately, the singers could hear Rainbow Dash’s comment through all the noise of the club, apparently. And the singers challenge Soren to a singing contest. Contrived you say? But audience, it was the only way to make these singers bully Soren and make them the villains of our story for no reason.
And now you all know.
So they begin their competition with Soren, basically wiping the floor with them. Again, music in a written story doesn’t work! I wouldn’t put so much god damn emphasis on it, if the story wasn’t just about Soren’s majestic musical voice! Again, in a story that I read with my eyes, I CAN’T HEAR THEM SINGING! I don’t know which voice is better than the other! You tell us which one is better, but unless you have a recording of how each of these characters sing on the internet or describe how they sing, I DON’T FUCKING CARE!
The final song is about to commence and the Sisters say that he has to sing a duet. Um… Why? There were no rules established before. And technically, haven’t all the songs you’ve sung been duets, since there are two of you singing?
Whatever, screw this story. Soren says he doesn’t have anypony to sing with him, but Luna steps on stage and says that she will sing with him. Dear lord, it’s like a compilation of every cliché storytelling in the book.
So, they sing their song and they end up beating the Singer Sisters. Honestly, I’ve stopped caring. And frankly, rather than the sisters swearing revenge, actually admit Soren is better than them. Okay, this is actually not that bad. You could have gone the clichéd route and made them want revenge, but hell; you actually give them a more compassionate side. Granted, it wasn’t done very well, but hey, points for taking a risk.
However, before they can celebrate, a pony appears and kidnaps Luna.
Are you convinced now, sir?
What are you talking about?!
The signs are all there, sir. The force romantic similarities, the romantic song for her, the romantic duet they sing, her changing her appearance for him, and now Luna has been made a damsel in distress for Soren to rescue. It is pretty obvious that she is the romantic interest!
No, she’s not! But I will say that this totally sucks out the badassness of Luna! Seriously, would you ever expect any pony to capture Luna so easily?!
So, badass! Only one pony be tough enough to cancel an entire holiday! Luna, you are fucking awesome!
So, Soren attacks Luna’s kidnapper and asks her why she has kidnapped Princess Luna? The kidnapper responses, saying that in order for Nightmare Moon to be resurrected, she needs Princess Luna.
Don’t you love it when a villain reveals his/her evil plan when you just ask them? This would sure make Batman’s job easier.
Batman: Two-face, what are you planning to do to the city?
Two-face: I plan on using two bombs to blow up two different points in the city at 2 o’clock!
Batman: How do I stop them?
Two-Face: You would just steal the device from my hand that I am currently holding, right now.
Batman: How would I knock you out?
Two-Face: Hitting me in the faces really, really hard. Most likely from a punch or a kick.
Soren and the evil witch battle each other, but Soren starts getting his ass whooped. However, Soren claims that, while her magic is more powerful than his, he claims that she sucks at hoof-to-hoof combat.
Now, our villain isn’t stupid. Surely, she would not accept his challenge after she had clearly wiped the floor with him.
"Do you honestly want to die in a slower fashion?" Soren's determined expression answered her question. "Very well...
Oh, come the fuck on!
There is no reason for you to fight him in hoof to hoof combat! No fucking reason whatsoever! You beaten him! You’ve won! Just grab Luna and go! There is no need to prove yourself to this twat! You have no reason to fight him after you just beat the living shit out of him!
Oh, and get this bullshit! She casts a spell that traps the others so they can’t interfere with their fight! Lady, if you have a spell that can capture Princess Luna that easily, why the fuck are you wasting your time against a pony you barely know?! Don’t you have priorities?! No, you don’t! YOURS ARE FUCKED UP!
They fight for a bit and then Soren unleashes the power of the Uniforce. Oh, sorry, the Elemental Guardian within him and manages to beat back the villain, who is revealed to be … Nightmare Moon?
Okay, it’s not really Nightmare Moon, but just a shadow that wants to resurrect her. I don’t know, makes as much sense as everything else this story is going to throw at us. She vows to return for Luna saying that the Nightmare Guardians have awakened.
Soren passes out after the battle and wakes up in a hospital. As he starts to examine his body, he realizes just how much of a beating he took.
His body was wrapped up in a random fashion and his right fore-leg was fully wrapped.
Doctor 1: Well, everypony. We need to randomly wrap up his body. That’ll take care of him.
Doctor 2: Um… don’t you want to deal with his broken ribs?
Doctor 1: Meh, I’m sure the randomness will take care of it.
Seriously, Dr. Cox would tear these people apart!
The nurse tells the others that Soren still needs rest, but he will recover soon. Princess Luna asks everyone to leave the room and gives a letter for Soren to read.
It says that the Nightmare Guardians won’t stop until Nightmare Moon is resurrected. Unless you challenge them to a fist fight in which case they completely forget out their mission. It also explains that Soren must train in order to prepare for the battle against them. And it is signed by Princess Luna. Which begs the question, why didn’t she just tell him that? She was in the same damn room!
Anyway, Soren gets out of the hospital after a few days, and he practices a very important art. An important art that will keep him from falling to the forces of evil. An art that will tear the army of darkness to pieces! He practices the art of … singing?
I thought there was a princess of evil with an evil cult trying to resurrect her! And you are supposed to be preparing for it?! And you think that instead of practicing combat and magic, you should work on your singing voice, that once again, I CAN’T FUCKING HEAR!
As Soren is on his way to SugarCube Corner, he runs into a mare and stallion who are arguing about a meteorite that landed in the distant mountains. This will be a plot point for later.
Mare: I heard there was a group of survivors in District 13! Have you heard about that?!
Stallion: No, but I heard there is an old jedi who lives in a swamp! Have you heard about that one?!
Mare: No, but I heard that there was a Hollywood producer who was looking for singing and dancing frogs!
Stallion: It’s a good thing we are here to shout out random plot points to characters we’ve never met before!
Soren arrives at SugarCube Corner and starts a conversation with the main six, explaining about the meteorite and how he saw it in a dream. A pity we never saw that dream, but whatever.
The others don’t think it any more than a dream and Soren takes off still wondering what to do. Night falls and Soren can’t get to sleep due to some random noise being made.
It’s the damn neighbor’s dogs! And one day, I’m going to shoot those stupid mutts!
He decides to go to the Everfree Forest where he hears a cry for help. He follows the cry to find Fluttershy being chased by a mysterious creature.
Okay, quick question, what the hell is Fluttershy doing in the Everfree Forest in the middle of the night?! Did she really think that was a good idea?! That’s incredibly stupid!
The creature is almost on Fluttershy when Soren… starts singing? Yeah, I guess I wasn’t too far off from my Pied Piper comment. He manages to sing the creature into a submissive state, even as more creatures surround them.
Okay, now lead them all against Canterlot and take the throne for yourself!
When the light faded, he opened his eyes to see that the creatures left.
Damn it! So close.
So apparently this event takes so much power out of Soren that he decides to sleep in the Everfree Forest.
One, the Everfree Forest isn’t exactly the safest place in Equestria. There are manticores, dragons, cockatrice, and those shadow monsters you just defeated! Is it really a good idea to sleep someplace with all that danger?
Two, you’re not going to check up on Fluttershy? She was just attacked by a shadow monster! You aren’t going to check up on her and see if she is okay?! Not going to ask her why she is in the Everfree Forest, because ‘you’re too tired?’
Soren, I’m bleeding out! Help me!
Soren: Sorry, Fluttershy *yawn* I’m just so tired…
Um… okay. Well, could you at least take me to a hospital?
Soren: I’ll worry about it in the morning *yawn* Good night.
Um… okay. Well… I’ll just… die then… That’s okay…
THINK, YOU IDIOT!
Soren wakes up with Twilight and the others around him. Again, it’s never explained why Fluttershy was in the Everfree Forest and it turns out that Soren has lost his ability to sing.
It turns out that the creatures that attacked him last night steal special talents from ponies. Okay, admittedly this is somewhat interesting. But let’s see how it disappoints.
"So...I just lost my singing voice..."
Oh, no! It’s not like … I don’t have other magical abilities and physical abilities that I can use to save the world, that I should be focusing on anyway! Clearly my beautiful singing voice is far more important than that ‘fate of the world’ shit!
The main six take Soren to Vinyl to see if they can get his singing voice back. Vinyl apparently knows about the creatures that attacked Soren, and offers to help them out.
But I suppose Soren could get some of his talent back. It'll be boring here without his singing voice."
Because Equestria was incapable of having fun before Soren came to it. Go to hell, Soren.
Vinyl starts playing songs for Soren to sing, but his singing voice only seems to get worse. Soren decides that he will try lip-syncing instead. Ah, the truth about pop stars.
He grabs some paper, from Celestia knows where… No, I’m serious. That’s how it’s written in the story.
After grabbing some paper from Celestia knows where, he began to write down some lyrics.
And now we officially see the point where the author threw up his hands and said “Screw it, I don’t care.”
He asks Twilight and the others to gather up some of the townsponies and says for them to be back at the stage. The main six gather back at the town with several volunteers and Soren asks them to sing the song that he wrote for his experiment. And the town just starts singing without debating with him. I don’t know. Maybe he was secretly offering free cookies to anyone who helped.
After the experiment, which is never really explained to us, so what the hell was the point of this, Soren! We see a black-maned mare off in the distance watching Soren. Soren notices her, but keeps on going throughout his day. As the day presses on he notices that that black-maned mare is following him, but he’s too tired to do anything about it and is off to the library to head to bed.
Huh? This guy’s priorities are really fucked up. And this is the guy who is going to save the world? I can already see the ending now.
Soren, the fate of the world is in your hooves! If you don’t act now, we will all die!
Soren: Okay, but… *yawn* I’m just so tired… I’ll get back to it after a power nap…
What does Luna see in you, you useless mother-!
We then get a dream sequence about… um… I have no idea. There’s supposed to be some kind of battle going on, but it’s hard to dig through the poor descriptions of it. I’m not sure who the battle is between or even what is going on in the battle. There are just mention of pony force, but then they have fireballs and knives and a lot of confusing moments.
Soren then talks to a one winged Pegasus-
Oh, god. I wish… At least, as long as he doesn’t think he’s some kind of Islamic deity.
However, he learns that the one winged pony is named Coyote Colt. Wouldn’t Coyote Cub make more sense?
Anyway, he wakes up from the dream confused as to what is to happen.
Frankly, I feel the same way.
So, Soren doesn’t really think about the dream, which is odd since after his dreams he wouldn’t shut up about them. What makes this dream any different?
He starts moping about how he misses Luna. And it is at this point that I really need to point this out. The writing is terrible for this. This scene is particular is really bad. This is supposed to be an emotional moment for Soren, but just look at this…
Soren began to feel a little sad. The reason for his sadness was very obvious to him (and maybe his friends if they were with him). He missed Luna. It's as simple as that. Although it hasn't been that many days since Luna left, Soren still missed her company. Of course he has to expect these kinds of things since Luna is a princess, but it doesn't mean he still can't miss her. To prevent himself from becoming even more sad, Soren left the park and walked straight for the library.
I wonder how Soren’s sadness is affecting him. That might be good to know. How does it affect him?! Show, don’t tell! You know, I don’t care. Moving on.
Soren goes to the library when Twilight receives a letter from Princess Celestia. Twilight reads that Princess Celestia wishes to test Soren’s ability to sing in front of a crowd on Nightmare Night. Um… seriously? What does his singing have to do with Nightmare Moon’s resurrection?! God, I’ve seen slugs that could move faster than this story!
No, I take that back! I’ve seen stationary objects that can move faster than this story! Chapter 10 and we don’t even have a clue what the hell is going on! All we know is that Nightmare Moon is returning! Okay, what have we done about that?
Nothing!
Okay, what about the Soul Stealing plot point?!
Nothing!
What about the mysterious black-maned mare?!
Nothing!
That is the problem with this story! If there is a good story within it, it moves too fucking slow! You need to keep your audience interested! Something needs to happen! The story needs to progress! And if it’s not going to progress at least make us learn something about the characters! But because of the poor pacing and character development in this story, it is hard to get through and it is hard to keep your audience invested!
So, let’s see if we can get invested…
Twilight explains that Celestia wants Soren to perform in the parade, and Soren takes it pretty damn well. Unrealistically well, since he still hasn’t gotten over the fact that he can’t sing still! But yeah, Soren just says he’ll do it and he leaves with a smile on his face. I guess somepony forgot that they can’t sing!
So, Soren gets home and suddenly remembers ‘Oh, yeah. I can’t sing in that parade in two weeks!’ Soren starts to debate with himself about what to do and says that if he can’t come up with a solution tomorrow, he’d have to cancel with Princess Celestia. Wait, the parade is in two weeks? Why tomorrow? I guess, that is courteous since that gives Celestia ample time to find a replacement, but… Oh, god. You aren’t going to go the cliché route, are you?
So Soren comes up with a plan to get his voice back and starts talking to Twilight. He explains that he needs the help of the Canterlot Choir and Twilight writes a letter explaining the situation to Princess Celestia.
So, two weeks pass by and it is the beginning of Nightmare Night. And Soren finally reveals his plan to sing at the parade. And he does this by… having the choir sing for him while he conducts it?
As the son of a music teacher, I can tell you that a conductor does not play an instrument?! Nor does a conductor produce any kind of music?! A conductor keeps time and tempo so the performers stay on the same beat! And while I do admit that a conductor is important for choosing pieces of music that is to be performed, giving the sound and tone directions that he feels the pieces needs and since he is in the position of where the sound will go, gets the best overall feel of how it is going to sound.
But it is the performers who perform! Not the conductor! That would be like saying that the coach played for the football team because he’s the coach, when the players are out there doing all the work! And yes, the coach told them what to do and how to make the plays, but it was the player who actually performed the tasks.
To say that Soren sang the songs without actually singing them is something I disagree with. Some of you might see it the author’s way, but I, for one, don’t.
And if you didn’t think that was stupid, oh, just wait until we see what comes next.
So after the performance, Soren decides to make a big show in front of everypony. He gathers magic from his horn and … wait, what?
The sonic boom, combined with Soren's magic, created an awesome display of creativity. To describe the sight as simply as possible, imagine a Sonic Rainboom but replace it with dark clouds and lightning.
So, I guess… Soren can do a Sonic Rainboom now. Except that it’s not exactly like a Sonic Rainboom, but it might as well be a Sonic Rainboom. And how is he able to accomplish this since he has never actually trained to perform it when Rainbow Dash had to train hard and have the motivation that her friend was going to die if she didn’t perform it?!
And guess what? If you thought that was ultimately stupid… Take a gander at this!
After his… I don’t even know what to call that… Princess Luna and Princess Celestia make a speech about how Soren just gave them the best Nightmare Night ever. And to reward Soren for his work, Celestia gives him a wishing star.
What is a wishing star you ask? Well, Soren is allowed to make one wish with it! It can be anything he wants in the entire universe! Anything he wants at all!
And what does he wish for with it?
"I wished for my singing voice,"
That’s it. I’m done… Have a good day guys. Have a nice life.
***
The Critique slunk into the kitchen, leaving the book back on his favorite spot. He shook his head as he slip into the chair, his hoof against his chin. Why am I still doing this? The reviews. Every story feels like another reminder of what I could have been. Looking down at the bare table, his hooves started to rub his forehead.
“Sir,” a voice came from the ceiling, “Are you alright?”
He continued to shake his head. “Do I look alright, Computer?” he growled. He took a deep breath before slamming his head against the table. “This story is horrid. I’ve never seen a writer say they care so much and yet show signs that they clearly don’t.”
“You are giving up, then?”
“Maybe I should,” the Critique’s voice muffled voice came through the table. “Maybe I don’t have the stuff to review it anymore.”
A robotic arm came from the ceiling, placing itself on the Critique’s back. “Sir, you knew this story was bad.”
Critique slid away from the table, shaking his head. The robotic arm slid off his back, simply handing in the air. “But this?! What the fuck was even the point of taking his voice away, if you were just going to give it back to him in…” His voice stopped as he looked up at the ceiling. “In such a way that… steals away so much character development.”
He slouched to the ground, resting his head against the marble floor. “I’m giving up. I’m not doing this anymore.”
Silence filled the air around them. It gave him ample time to solidify his resolve. Then the Computer spoke. “For as long as I have known you, when things do not go your way when you want it, you give up. Just like your writing. Just like your relationship with your father. Just like many things.”
The words echoed all around him, hovering in the air like the robotic arm only a few feet above him. Thoughts swirled through his mind like a tornado, digging up old pains that he had buried within the recesses of his mind. His writing had failed to take off, so he gave up. Pleasing his father proved impossible, so he cut off his relationship with him. Relationship with friends never stayed on the path he wanted, so he cut ties with them. The list went on.
Was this going to be another thing on the list of things he had given up on? He sat on the floor, debating with himself. Why try? Nothing has come of it for five years! Nothing has come of any of it!
But how do I just give up on it? No matter how bad it is. I love storytelling. I love writing.
Yeah and look where that got us?! A stupid library that nopony ever comes to. A job where all I do is bitch about stories and what they could have done better?
Maybe. But all I’ve been trying to do is teach others about my passion. Just like somepony you know.
His mind took a look back at the stallion who raised him. Music was his passion. It seemed to be the only thing that gave him pleasure. When he was up on the stage conducting his music, he showed how passionate he was. His whole body moved as he conducted. The movements were fierce and crisp, sudden like the pounding of a drum. His nearly violent movements mirrored the music as it became powerful and dominate, full of strength. But when the music became graceful, his movement flowed like a calm spring, delicate. As if one touch could break his flow, like the stillness of a pond.
He remembered sitting in on one of his father’s rehearsals. Every note his performers played, every tone in the room, every sound that was heard, the stallion seemed to pick up. It was as if his ears had been attuned to pick up every detail. Taking in every mistake and analyzing it to see if it was good or bad. Was the start of the piece strong enough to catch your audience’s attention? Did you play the right notes? Did the flow of the piece make sense? Was the balance correct from the piece?
As thoughts of his father crossed his mind, he looked out into the main hall, where the book still sat for him, as if waiting for him to continue. Critique took a deep breath and picked himself off the ground. He made his way to his spot and opened the book. Glancing up to the ceiling, he stated. “Let’s continue.”
***
So after a full night of singing, Soren goes to Rainbow Dash who seems to be depressed about something. Maybe she’s reading this story. That would depress anyone.
Soren asks what is going on, but Rainbow Dash says that she will tell him tomorrow. And then we cut to tomorrow when Rainbow Dash starts telling Soren what is wrong. Seriously? What was the point of that?! I’ve seem more pointed things in the Pointless Forest!
Sir, I did that joke last week.
Oh… Okay then… Moving on.
He goes to converse with Rainbow Dash and Rainbow Dash explains that it might be nice to have a coltfriend after seeing how happy Luna and he are. She then asks him to help her out with this.
So, Rainbow Dash asks Soren to find her somepony…
"Not really. Just find somepony who is fast, strong, and cool."
Doesn’t matter if he’s abusive or not. As long as he is fast, strong and cool.
But then Rainbow Dash explains that, she doesn’t really want a coltfriend and that she was simply jealous of all the attention he was getting.
Ha, ha, ha! That scene was completely pointless… I HATE THIS STORY! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!
Ooooh, that felt good.
Okay, so Soren goes out and finds Luna where he discusses the dream about Coyote Colt. Luna explains that Twilight Sparkle might be able to help, as it just so happens she is doing research on the subject. Sure, why not?
Twilight explains that Soren has the ability of lucid dreaming (or the ability to control one’s dream, which doesn’t make sense, but hey, whatever) and an ability called Star Sight, an ability where he can peer into the future through dreams.
So, as you can see his lucid dreaming ability doesn’t make sense, since he can’t control the future and he has never had control over his dreams before. Screw this story!
Twilight realizes the desert town Soren was describing was Appaloosa, because I’m sure Appaloosa is the ONLY town to be near a desert and Twilight figures that the town is in danger. She asks them to go visit Applejack as she will be the only one who knows about Coyote Colt.
Wait, how would Twilight know that?
So, they talk to Applejack about Coyote Colt. Applejack mentions a letter she got from Braeburn and says that Coyote Colt is a unicorn with an eye patch.
Wasn’t he just a Pegasus with only one wing?! Did you not even read your own story?!
Ugh! Moving on!
So, they explain to Applejack about the attack that is about to happen and say that they need to prepare for the next week. I’m not sure why they can’t go there now and prepare there since they are never given an exact date of when the attack is supposed to take place, but then again the story can’t even tell a one eyed unicorn from a one wing Pegasus.
And what does Soren do with his time now that a war is likely going to happen very soon? Why teach Rainbow Dash how to play the guitar for his band, of course. Oh, yes. That seemed the most logical!
So, Soren, who I guess is now the leader of the main six, hello, when did that happen, asks the six’s opinion on whether or not they should bring Luna along.
Luna is a freaking badass! She was able to take on Celestia! She might as well be a one mare army, but then again this is the story that made her a damsel in distress, so what are you going to do?
But they feel they can handle it on their own, after all, they have the great and powerful Mary Sue! God, I hate this character!
They begin their journey to Appaloosa and start to discuss what to do about Coyote Colt. He mentions a pony that works for him that only has one wing. Applejack replies,
"Braeburn said the colt can fly."
This is so stupid on so many different levels.
Twilight is able to come up with a plan to deal with Coyote Colt and … Soren starts laughing at her?
"I'm not...laughing...at the plan," Soren said behind laughs. "I'm just...amazed that...you came up with it...on the spot."
If there is anyone who hates this character as much as I do, please join the Anti-Soren movement. We need all the support we can get to kill this piece of shit.
So, Soren wakes up in the middle of the night and … hears a voice in his head?
I hear a voice in my head too. It’s asking me to kill you with a chain saw and a trout. Don’t ask me why a trout though.
Soren listens to the voice which tells him to destroy lights on the train track. Great, on top of everything else, he has an evil voice in his head telling to do evil things. As if this character couldn’t be more uninteresting.
Soren goes back to sleep a gets another dream, this time with a group of alicorns, oh I’m sorry, the Nightmare Guardians, they were so well established in this story I’m surprised I forgot, are for some reason working with Luna. Bets on how many chapters it will take to come back to that plot point? Ever hear of Chekhov's gun, story? If not, look it up!
Now, Soren should take this even more seriously since, you know, he has precognition, but of course, he doesn’t think anything of it.
Instead, he’d rather make out with Rainbow Dash. … That’s right. Just when you though this character couldn’t be any more detestable, he starts making out with Rainbow Dash, even though he’s with Luna. Now, admittedly the development between him and Rainbow Dash is better than what it is with Luna and Soren. Granted, it’s still not good, but it’s certainly better. However, this just makes both of them look disloyal and Soren willing to bang every pony in Ponyville.
So, the next morning, they go over the plan again, but Applejack is worried that Braeburn won’t believe them. I would say that ‘he is your cousin, why would you lie to him?’ but hey, everyone in this world has to be doubtful or Soren couldn’t be reassuring them all the time. Lord knows that’s all he’s good for, making sure everypony is staying as out of character as possible.
They arrive in Appaloosa and the sheriff tells them that the one-winged pony, named One-Winged Willie, broke into the prison and freed one of their fellow bandits. They find out that the raid will happen tomorrow.
"WHAT?!" Everypony but Braeburn and SilverStar exclaimed.
Oh no! If only we had been here a week ago and not wasted our time with teaching Rainbow Dash how to play the guitar, but instead actually making plans for the attack! God, we are terrible ponies! We suck at our job and we should just die!
So, of course, Twilight’s plan can’t work now, since they only have a day to put it together. So, who is the one to come up with a new plan? Stupid-ass-dumb-shit, of course.
So, their plan is to go to the buffalos for help, since well, I guess they have that kind of time, and Soren and Rainbow Dash head out while Twilight and the others prepare the towns defenses.
As they travel, Rainbow Dash and Soren are eventually attacked by One-Winged Willie and Coyote Colt. Rainbow Dash gets injured and it’s up to Soren to get them both to safety. Soren did this, Soren did that, you know… Nothing to change things up.
They get to the buffalos where they start to treat Rainbow Dash’s injuries. Soren then explains that Appaloosa is in danger to Chief Thunderhooves.
Not a massive amount of danger but a great enough danger that should be stopped."
Thunderhooves: Oh, well if it’s not a massive amount of danger, then I’m not going to worry about it.
Soren: Wait, you don’t understand, the town is about to be inconvenienced. Mildly, but inconvenienced all the same.
Thunderhooves: Sorry, still not big enough to send all my forces out.
Soren: I am almost getting angry at you. Not angry enough to attack you, but angry all the same!
Thunderhooves: You are the strangest little pony, I’ve ever seen…
However, after explaining about Coyote Colt, Thunderhooves decides to help them out. Soren and Little Strongheart start to nurse Rainbow Dash back to normal, but there is a slight problem.
Luckily, she isn't internally damaged."
"I beg to differ. Her wings are in horrible shape."
I don’t think this story knows what the word ‘internally’ means, that or it really doesn’t care.
We cut to Twilight and the others planning their strategy to defend the town, when Soren and Rainbow Dash show up.
And finally, we get to the fucking raid… Ugh… Let’s just get this over with…
Soren was worried and a little angry.
Not angry enough to start yelling, but angry all the same. See how stupid that sounds yet?
The raid was happening as he slept, and his friends chose to let him sleep!
Well, if you didn’t prioritize sleeping so much, maybe your friends wouldn’t act like that!
Twilight, the raid has started!
Oh, no! I’ll go wake up Soren!
Hold up, partner. Soren doesn’t like to be woken up for nothing! He’ll tear you apart!
But he’s our only hope of saving the town!
Remember what happened when Fluttershy asked him to take her to the hospital and she was bleeding to death.
Oh, yeah! That useless mother-!
So, Soren meets with the main six and tells them that he will deal with Coyote Colt. He flies off and battles him one on one. Coyote Colt starts to overpower him, but that is when Soren transforms into a Super Saiyan!
Because he doesn’t have enough contrived powers yet .
He defeats Coyote and Coyote begs Soren not to kill him. And do we ever get an explanation of who Coyote is? Do we ever get an explanation of who One-Winged Willie was? Why are they together? Why does Coyote wear an eyepatch? Why does One-Winged Willie only have one wing? Why were their buffalos that betrayed Chief Thunderhooves? What did Coyote promise them? Why did he hate the town? What was the point in attacking them?
Of course, we’ll never know because the story is too damn lazy to tell us.
Finally, we are about halfway through this story and I need a break. The first half of this story is garbage.
But we’ve still got one more half to go and it only goes downhill from here. Not that it started very high up, but still the worst is yet to come, everypony. Have a great day, guys.
I'm gonna regret this, but can you please review this story? Thanks.
HERESY! *BLAM*
That's why I always try to refer to them as the Bearers of the Elements... although I do slip up.
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140107205813/lego/fr/images/4/42/The_LEGO_Movie_BA-Foule_Taco_Tuesday_2.jpg
Why so surprised? You've already met three.
... this is eerily similar to one of the Side Stories I wrote for Mare of Steel. Except Rainbow actually did something to make sure Fluttershy thawed out.
And you're a pervert. Go castrate yourself.
Wait, when did Rainbow get unfrozen?
Why didn't he just name him God-Emperor McBatman? It'd be more awesome.
Well, that was pointless. Not
SkyeDumbass going back to the Northern Water Tribe pointless, but still.Shame, that sounds like it'd be cool.
You mean... kind of like this (From one of my own stories, when I needed someone to sing. Probably not the best example, but it gets the point across, I think)
Link please?
Make it two
...
"Here lies the Critique. He died on August 6, 2014, of having to slog through a very bad Mary Sue fic. May he rest in peace."
Although, My Immortal had even more chapters, so I shouldn't worry too much
... Wow, that's harsh.
And now I feel like even I treat Spike poorly. sorry about that
Vloxemort and da Death Dealers?
PEN STROKE DID THIS BETTER!!!
Considering Two-Face's split personality, I wouldn't be surprised if this actually happened (the Harvey Dent personality betraying the Two-Face personality)
So it's a stupid version of the Avatar State?
My mom would love to help out.
Insert me mocking myself for CMC Manticore Catchers
And there was much rejoicing. Yay.
Like Kamina, the Nazis and awesome in Gurren Jesus
Do I have to quote more stuff that is better than this?
"Oh sure, I'd love to help out instead of saving the world. Let me call up my backup singer Avatar
SkyeDumbass and we'll have a blast!"Soren was later arrested for property damage and sued by all the ponies present, who were now deaf.
... wow Rainbow, you're even more romantically challenged than I thought.
Hmm, sounds familiar...
Have some gratuitous violence, then:
...
(just replace Typhon with Soren)
There is now an indent in my desk that looks like my face.
Oh dear...
Symphony for Moon and Sun for your reading pleasure.
Next to him, lies dirt.
Living proof that even my parodies of something are more grounded than this story.
God, that would have been awesome to have in the story.
2348437 I'll take a look at it, but I've got a lot of reviews to dig through before I get to that one. But I'll review it.
2349063
I can wait. Thanks again.
No worries.
And stories like this is where I got my very low opinion of OC's. You know I actually joined a GROUP called Alicorn OC's so I can pick through the refuse in the potentially vain hopes that I can find a GOOD Alicorn OC fic. I'll let you know how that pans out.
Seriously if you want a fic that has a GOOD OC, not great but good, and depicts a believable romance between said OC and a mane 6 member, read this. Do yourself a favor and read it.
What is Fame without Friendship?
You didn't change the color of some of the computers text.
One way to judge the quality of a story is to look for Fridge Brilliance. I was kinda bothered by the tone of the Critiques reviews, but with this one I can see the way they kept getting more frustrated was intentional.
And the way you hinted at the Critiques tragic past, instead of saying something like: He had issues because he and his father don't get along is nice. I knew you were a good writer before, but its easier to see here than in your other works for some reason.
An way, this series is definitely improving.
You sir, are awesome.
2349390 I will definitely check it out. I need a break from this crap.
2350128 Trust me. It's got 201 likes currently, 4 dislikes, so that should be encouraging and it was popular enough to spawn sequels.
2349529 Thank you so much for your comments.
But I must say, I was only able to get this far in writing because of my friends and family who support me. People like you and dozens of others helping me along the way and wanting to see me succeed. Without people like you, I probably wouldn't be where I am today.
So, thank you, my friend. You are awesome.