Me · 7:20am Apr 21st, 2014
Why? Because I've had to do a lot of thinking recently, and I want to write it down so that I never forget, and so that you all know who it is you're reading from. So, without hesitation, this is me.
Who is Kodeake?
Kodeake, sometime called Ian, is a 16 year old high school student who cares more about his online My Little Pony fan fiction than he does about his school work.
I'm an anti-social introvert who would sooner spend all day inside doing literally nothing than go outside for any reason other than to find a good place to eat. My family calls me "jackass" more often than my actual name, because it's true. I'm an ass, and I don't deny it. I embrace it, because I'm sure as hell not going to change it. I can be harsh, and I don't mince my words when I have an opinion, and I have many, many opinions. I'm an Atheist who believes in reincarnation, partially because it's a nice thought, partially because it makes the idea of committing suicide a little easier to swallow. I go through regular bouts of severe depression, and likely would have killed myself in 2013 had it not been for this community and my closest friend, even if he's my farthest friend geologically speaking.
My writing is my stress relief, my version of a breathing exercise, and my voice. This site is my place in the world, and allowed me to discover my desire to write.
I act like I'm the most self-confident person in the world, but only because I don't want people to know that I'm insecure with who I am. I'm never the first, and I'm never alone in anything I do. I'm so scared of what people think of me I'll wait for someone else to do something I want to do before I do it, just so I know it's okay to do it. Even if I've been told it's what I'm supposed to do, I won't do it first. I've tried to write this blog four times, because I'm always worried that you people will think I'm weird after reading what it is I have to say.
I'm a petty and jealous person. I make myself feel better by finding excuses to explain why someone else is popular and I'm not, and justify it by saying that they don't deserve it. I'm guilty of doing so to other writers on this site, but never publicly; I have morals, and I know it's not really true.
I'm extremely empathetic. No matter what the argument is, I'm able to put myself on both sides of it and understand both sides. I can easily find a middle ground because of this, and can relate to just about anyone.
I'm not sympathetic. I will not feel bad for you, no matter what happens. I can put myself and your shoes, and understand what's going on for you, but I won't be sorry about it. There's no point in being sympathetic. If it's sympathy you need, it's already too late for sorry. I don't give sympathy, but I crave it. I'll say things to make people feel bad, just so that someone will notice me and care about me.
I feel a lot of guilt about things I shouldn't feel guilty about. My conscience is the size of a house. I'm a jerk, but I feel guilty about it for literal weeks after it, depending on how bad I am.
Despite my tendencies to be uncaring towards others, I am surprisingly approachable, even if a little socially awkward. If I'm an ass to you, I fully expect you to return the favor.
I have a desire to learn rivaled only by my hatred of school. I'm mature for my age - or so I'm told - but still act like I'm a little kid because I don't want to face the music of a life of being an adult.
I'm having second thoughts about posting this, because I don't want to admit these things to myself, and if I admit them to you people, I'll be forced to accept them.
These things are me and... I don't like some of them. I want to fix what's wrong with me, and I want to change myself for the better. The remark about me trying to type this four times? That was a lie so that people would think that this is harder than it actually was so they'd be more inclined to feel sympathy. It's actually only twice.
But this really was a hard thing to type, and it's even harder to admit that it's all true. Some things I've already improved on, like I lie a little less now than I used to, and I'm finally starting to accept the fact that I have to grow up.
So that's who I am. The guy behind the Twidash. There are some things about myself even I don't fully understand. There are some things that I didn't list up there, because sometimes I scare myself. I've literally spent two hours fantasizing about killing someone, running through it over and over again in my head and making a plan. I imagined stabbing my pencil through the neck of the kid sitting next to me in my English class because he wouldn't shut up. I've envisioned tackling someone to the ground and smashing his head in with my shoe until all that was left was a bloody puddle because he insulted me.
This is who I am and... I hope you can still enjoy my stories, knowing all this.
Have a good day/night.
Kodeake out
That's pretty deep. At least we know that you were able to talk about yourself like that. There are plenty of other people who aren't able to muster up the courage to show thenselves like this.
I am glad you shared this, but don't think you're weird or strange. Everyone has their own self image issues and their own doubts and fears, and no one is free of that desire for sympathy. I agree, it's bad, but we all do things occasionally in effort to get it from others.
The point here is that you acknowledged these things and are looking at them for real. By seeing them for what they are, you can then attempt to handle them. If there are things about your life and about your personality that you find unsavory, then you are the one to make the call to change. Your friends, including me, will and can support you whether you change or stay who you are.
I am glad this community has helped you a lot. It has helped me a lot too, so I can completely understand where you're coming from in your emotions on the subject of your anti-social thoughts. Life ain't always easy; in fact, it's almost never easy. We still have to keep trying though, and it's through our friendships and our connections that we can find our way through the darkness.
Thank you for sharing this with us Ian. I'll talk to you again soon. Stay strong. ^_^
Thanks for being honest. It means a lot, especially online where you can say whatever you want. I'm 18, and trust me when I say that the last few years go by so fast, problem is that things only get worse it seems. People become super Dick's, and nobody seems to ever give a crap. Being a teenager is tough.
For me it doesn't matter who you are or what your characteristics are, if I find you fun and the lot then you shouldn't have a problem with me. You're one of my favorite Twidash authors and nothing is going to change that.
Much love Ian
~Xela
This is an amazing profile. I figured you for over 20. Wow, how do you teenagers seem so mature (I now lack the ability to gauge ages online) while a fair number of the adults around me IRL act like fourth graders?
There is something you like doing and that can take you far: writing. Keep it up! You are smarter than people twice your age, no exaggeration. Don't let these oversized fools or any fools get you down.
Arkan0id will be in your corner of support as always.