The Story of "Dat Ass" · 7:05am Nov 16th, 2013
Epic story ahead. Apologize my jumbled thoughts. It's been a long day/week.
So what the hell have I been up to lately?
Well, I don't exactly where and when I've posted exactly what I've been up to, but here's a short daily schedule that should give you an idea of my day:
5:30 AM: Wake up. Go to practice.
5:55 AM: Hell (practice) begins.
Approx. 7:30 AM: Hell ends. For now. Delicious (loose term) breakfast is served in the dining hall. Temporary joy is had.
8 AM(T/R)/9:30 AM(M/W/F): Go to class. Get shit done.
11 AM: Lunch with swim team in dining hall.
12 PM-3PM: Go to more class. Get more shit done.
Either 3-5 or 5-7: The return of hell. Practice round two.
After practice: Dinner.
After dinner: Homework until X:00
X:00-5:30 AM: Good lord sleep thank goodness
So I don't have a lot of time. And the time I do have to myself is usually spent trying to maintain the relationships I have with those important to me. Friends, family, you name it. But one relationship in particular is far more important to me than the rest.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the story of "Dat Ass".
SO. I'm a college freshman. So I don't have a whole lot of experience in being "on my own", as you could call it. I was more than comfortable in high school, being highly blessed with being relatively good in both school and sports--not to mention I got along with most of my peers. BUT, the one area of the game I absolutely sucked at was:
Romance.
Now, I believe that high school relationships, albeit stupid and overdramatisized (real word? I dunno.), are actually extremely important. You learn how to ask girls on dates, go on dates, how to behave on dates, and handle the inevitable rejections that come along the way. However, me being the coward/introvert/overly sensitive dude who feared rejection, didn't really pick up on how important even a little experience this could be.
But that was before Dat Ass came along.
There's a very specific reason for the naming of Dat Ass. Usually a person's name is the first thing you would say to them when you see them. As in, "John, how are you?" or "Ben, nice to see you today."
When most guys saw this girl from afar, it was hard to say anything else but "Dat Ass."
Yes, it's the most disgusting and immature thing ever, but everyone was sixteen years old at some point.
Anyways, of course nobody said it to her face. Dat Ass had at least a shred of self-respect, and nobody wanted to ruin their chances with DA by calling her the same.
Enter junior year. Somewhere along the way, DA and I became closely acquainted, and before I knew it, I was in the first real relationship of my life. Things seemed great. I was dating DAT ASS, for goodness sakes. Could life get any better?
Of course it could.
You see, the more and more I got to know Dat Ass, the more and more I realized that that was all I was really attracted to.
Dat Ass was just... Dat Ass. Nothing more.
So as most high school couples do, we eventually split and went our separate ways. We remained fairly close friends, if only because we saw each other so frequently, but we managed to keep things from being awkward by only associating with each other in large groups.
Then, senior year, the relapse occurred.
I won't go into details, but things got bad. Heated. I had never been so angry at anyone as I was at her (except possibly myself for being so naive) by the time things were all said and done, and at that point I had pretty much vowed to give up on relationships until college. And it made sense to me at the time--college meant a fresh start. New friends, new girls, and all sorts of new opportunities to find a person that matched up well with you.
But, you see, Dat Ass had a friend.
DA's friend was a teammate on the volleyball team (as if things weren't already stereotypical enough) who I had previously known, but not on a level past classmates. This girl was a family friend to some extent, and I had actually acted with one of her siblings in an earlier stage of my life. So I knew who she was. Not much more.
A little background info: Although DA and her friend were technically classmates with me, we attended different schools. We shared the same faculty and the two buildings were connected, but the sports teams were separate. It's kind of strange, if you ask me.
Anyways.
So graduation started to creep up on me faster than a cliche simile, and I was notified that I had earned the Valedictorian spot for my school. Meanwhile, DA's friend, who I had started to become more closely acquainted with, had earned Valedictorian for the sister school. The week before the ceremonies, I received a text message from this girl (who I guess we can refer to as "Jen" or something. I don't care. Give her a name) asking if I wanted to meet up to work on our speeches together.
This was odd to me. We hadn't really talked all that much beforehand, and the next thing I knew, we were meeting up at Panera Bread to work on our speeches together. Not... odd, right? It's a completely normal thing to happen. We got along. Why not help each other out.
So I paid for her meal (like a sir), and then we began to discuss. Keep in mind, her speech was to be given the next day. So we talked. Talked about what should be said and what shouldn't be said. We exchanged ideas and thoughts, motivating each other to get these blasted things done so we could get to summer already. And as we laughed about some popular rap song (stoddedfromthabadamnowwehea) I began to realize something:
Holy moly, this girl is perfect.
I think everyone has at least one of those moments in their romantic lifetime. That moment where, even though you're not sure why, you have a feeling that this person is someone you belong with. And that's exactly what happened to me. I became entranced, falling ever so slightly at first for this girl as we talked and wrote and laughed together in the corner booth at Panera Bread. And every single part of me believed she was feeling the same.
So we gave our speeches later that week, things going as smoothly as possible. We congratulated each other and embraced as good friends do, and we continued to keep in touch over the next couple weeks.
To make a long story short, one day in early June, she found out.
From a texting conversation. With one of my friends.
Could things get any more... stupid? I don't know. Is there a better word choice? It's one in the morning. Cut me some slack.
Anyways. Things got awkward. Fast. My affection for her became the proverbial elephant in the proverbial room that was any interaction we had. She had made it clear time and time again through hints that that was NOT the course we were going to take. Eventually we sat down and talked things out (in a way-too-short conversation), agreed that this wasn't going to happen, and decided to move on with our lives.
End of story, right? Heh heh heh.
WRONG.
So me and Jen--goodness, I forgot that's what we were calling her--continued to hang out. Not alone or anything, just... we hung out. We spent a lot of time together because of mutual friends, and our texting limits both went through the roof, forcing our families to go for the all-too-powerful unlimited messaging option. Never in my life had I ever felt such power.
Ahem.
So we talked during the summer. A lot. We became extremely close, to the point where we called each other our best friend, and even for a split second, life was perfect. Summer was perfect. It was just memory after memory, laugh after laugh, the cliche last hurrah before everyone went their separate ways to college.
She left for college in the middle of August to play for her college's volleyball team, and I had never felt so empty in my life. THAT was the moment that I realized I was, for lack of a better term, in love with this girl.
Love IS a strong word. Stronger than any other word in the English language, perhaps. But it's an unmistakeable feeling, even for someone as young, naive, and inexperienced as an eighteen year old swimmer.
So yes, I was in love. Maybe it took me missing her so much to realize just how much she meant to me, but it was an irrefutable fact. And I didn't want this girl because of something as stuipid as Dat Ass either.
She had Dat Personality.
Dat Smile.
Dat Laugh.
Dem Smarts.
Dose Eyes.
Dat Way to make me feel at home.
Dat Family.
Dat Voice.
Dat Faith.
Dat Kindness.
And most importantly, Dat Ability to make me happy.
Okay, so she had Dat Ass too, but that's just an added bonus.
So the more and more I missed this girl, the more and more I realized that I fucking hated college. Why in the world would I enjoy something that took me away from the single thing that made me happier than anything else in the world? Sure, we still communicated, by letter, text, call, facetime, skype, or whatever other method you can think of, but nothing beats that warm embrace you get after missing someone for so long.
So you're probably sitting there thinking about how stupid I am. Here I was, letting some girl take away from my college experience so much that I started to genuinely hate it. I hated it so much that I neglected going to classes. I hated it so much that I wasn't giving my all in practice. And I hated it so much that I would start every morning off with a nice long puke into the nearest latrine.
There's something you all need to know about me. I do not care whatsoever about money. I don't care about grades, or swimming, or how I look or feel or any other thing in this world. Well, maybe that's a tad extreme, but what I really do truly care about are the people I have in my life. If I didn't have these people--these unwavering, supporting friends and family members in my life, then I frankly don't know what I would do with myself. I could be the dumbest, least talented person in the world, but if I had these people in my life, I could still be the happiest man alive.
So I began to worry. I began to worry about losing my friends. About drifting apart from my family. But above all else, I was worried about losing Jen. Not just as a potential significant other, but as a friend. Remember, at this point in the story, she was undoubtedly my best friend. The most important person in my life.
The first time we Skyped, we had a long chat. A long chat about all these concerns I had about us drifting apart, and she furiously dismissed these concerns, insisting that there would never be anything that would separate us as friends. That what we had with each other was special.
Well, sweet.
You see, I couldn't possibly bring myself to explain to her just how I felt. That I still had feelings for her. That I was undoubtedly, completely, and irretrievably in love with her. Of course I wasn't just going to come out and say that I loved her--if I've learned anything from Ted Mosby, it's that THAT is a terrible idea. But I did tell her I loved her--platonically, of course. And I did not want to jeopardize the most important relationship in my life by muddying the waters with these feelings.
So I stayed silent. I survived. I lived each day one at a time, constantly thinking of Jen and talking to her when I could. And for a while, things seemed perfect. As perfect as they could be, anyways.
Until two Sundays ago.
In another conversation she had with a mutual friend, she somehow deduced that I had feelings for her. She never explicitly said it, but it was quite obvious what she was thinking and what she found out.
For three days, she refused to communicate with me, ignoring everything that I sent her way.
I was devastated. Miserable. Completely lost for the first time in my life, and confident that I had botched everything and anything that was important to me. She contacted me later in the week, ensuring me that everything was fine, not mentioning anything about the elephant that had stepped back into the room.
That Friday I drove down to her college and surprised her for her birthday.
She cried. We hugged. And everything seemed normal again, if only for a moment.
And that's where I sit now. Every night I lay awake for hours on end trying to figure out what to do. We still communicate, but not as frequently. We still tell each other we love each other, but sometimes it feels a little forced. And it's evident that the elephant is suffocating what we have.
The dilemma is, I want more than anything to be with her, but I already have what I need in the friendship that we have.
Sound familiar?
She IS my best friend. She IS the most important person in my life. And she IS undoubtedly the first girl I have ever truly been in love with. But something's gotta give at some point, and I don't know what it's going to be.
Flash forward to today. I get a message.
"Thanksgiving break we are going to Panera Bread. It's been a while since we've been together and you and I both know we need to talk."
So it's all coming full circle. Two weeks from now I'll have one of the most important conversations of my life, and it will be the conversation that finally gets rid of the elephant in the room.
I'm just not quite sure how it will leave.
And now, as I lay awake in bed, unable to fall asleep once again, I realize that I have never felt so passionately, been so overly terrified, or cared as much as I do about anything else.
I am going to fix things. No matter what it takes.
Because if I lose this, I'll lose everything.
And I don't want to live my life knowing that I was the one to throw it all away.
This is theswimminbrony saying, thanks to anyone that read this whole thing. And sorry if it's a bit much. I'm just the kind of person that likes to write down their thoughts.
Until next time.
EDIT: Yes, I know I'm an idiot. It just feels good to write everything down. It's almost cathartic.
All I can say is...good luck.
Don't be a fool. You are killing yourself persuing this friendship. There is no fixing this by waiting her for to act. You can try to convince yourself that anything is worth keeping her as your best friend, but your feelings for her will likely turn to hate and disgust. Hate for her and disgust for yourself, the latter of which you seem to already have.
It sucks. I know it sucks. Most of us have been in similar situations. So you have a choice: keep on being her friend and mess yourself up for her while never getting what you really want out of the relationship, or tell her she can have what you can give her but only with everything -- or nothing. No in between, it's too late for that. Your infatuation and love for her makes that impossible.
You are hurting yourself, and indirectly you are hurting her by ignoring your feelings and worse, lying to her. If you don't make it a Hobbesian choice for her, you're going to be in a situation that is successively more destructive.
On the flip side, although unlikely, she might even see you in a new light if you show willingness to walk away.
And while it'll hurt if she rejects you, and it may well make you lose more than just her as a friend, sometimes not having anything is better than having a reminder of what you may never have.
PS> If she's not interested in a relationship, she may want to reject your friendship for your own good (anyone can tell from what you wrote that she likely sees your unrequited infatuation with her as unhealthy for you, and possibly creepy). So you get the pain but without the knowledge that you're adult enough to stand up to a difficult decision. That said, tell her she has the choice. An ultimatum, if you will. She just might surprise you.
Well wow. I wish I understood my own emotions as well as you do.
I think you are a lucky person to have what you do. But there is rarely justification in willingly being incomplete.
...
...
Dat Ass x Jen OTP.
I am so sorry, that was wrong of me.
I can`t say I know how you feel. I`ve never felt like that for anyone before.
So I can just wish you the best of luck
1511336
No.
Disgust for myself? Maybe, but I don't think that's the right word. Hate for her? Absolutely not. I could never hate someone for something as trivial as not returning feelings. It's not something she can help.
This is why we are having this conversation. We need to figure out where things are going between us. And if that means that we can't be together right now, that is 100 percent fine with me. It would absolutely suck if she doesn't want the same thing I do, but I'm prepared to handle that rejection now. We care way too much about each other to simply stop being friends about something as simple as this. Relationships may end, but to me, friendships (at least the important ones) will always stay. The best relationships start as friendships, anyways, so I think that this will do nothing but strengthen the relationship we already have in one way or another.
Ignoring my feelings? Yes. Lying to her? Absolutely not. She has never brought up the topic, and although I knew we would have to talk about it at some point, I knew it had to be in person. And being at separate colleges makes that all too difficult.
If I didn't keep her as a friend, that would be nothing BUT a reminder of what I would never have. People don't just walk out of each other's lives like that.
Nobody knows this girl better than I do. And I can tell you that the last thing she thinks this is is "creepy". We have very similar personalities. I can tell you that she is also worried about this coming between us. I can tell you that she also needs to talk about this, but needs the right moment. And I can tell you that she would also do anything to salvage what we have as friends right now.
1511473 I loled.
And yeah. You're right, but I think I would feel most incomplete if I lost her altogether. Just having her walk out of my life like that would completely devastate me. And if she values our friendship as much as I do, we would be able to make things work out if a relationship doesn't.
Also, Dat Ass and Jen kind of hate each other now. It's very peculiar.
I hate how corny I can sound sometimes, but if it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be. There's always more friends out there (*ahem*) and more romantic partners.
Whether you two end up together or not, just walk out of that Panera Bread with your head held high and knowing that you have closure. Think of it like in How I Met Your Mother, which you noted above, when Ted finally clears things up with "her" and everyone else is holding a yellow umbrella.
Sorry for my incredibly corny advice, but it's true. Confidence is key, and there's always someone else out there.
Good luck bud.
1512234 She's basically Robin in this case. If normals what we have to settle for, I can live with that.
Personally, I think you should just spend a bit of time realizing that the whole of your life is still ahead of you, and noting that if you're not going to get together with this girl, it's not the end of the world. It might take time, but you can pull yourself through.
I know it sucks. I don't doubt for a second that your situation is a million times more awkward than I think it is. But still, trust me, if it doesn't work out, you'll get over it sooner or later.
Thank you so much for your willingness to write something so personal. If, as you say, it helps to write these things down, then I'm more than happy enough to read them. Most of us are, to be honest, (you're pretty good at translating feelings onto a page).
I hope really strongly that things will turn out well for you. They probably wont, sadly, this kind of stuff is never ever clean, especially at college-freshman levels. And, um, do not read everything everyone here on the internet is writing to you. We feel for ya, but everybody's gonna try to throw advice at you, and I'm pretty sure it's the wrong source from which to take advice.
Just be sure to talk a lot to your other friends, too. And to family. Listen to what they say, not us. And, good luck. I'm sorry.