How negative can I make an overwhelmingly, genuinely positive review? A review (yes it is) of darf’s machine-transliterated masterpiece, Alectrona · 4:05pm Jun 22nd, 2013
I swear I didn’t set out to do this on purpose.
darf’s Alectrona: Like a dick turned into neural tissue and its whacker didn’t quite notice
Here’s the plot.
Twilight wakes up. Twilight gets an invitation to a book-club she hasn’t heard of, takes the invitation. She’s sleepy and addicted to caffeine, goes to the coffee-shop. She ain’t got no money in her pocket but she’s already here, and Caramel’s lining up ‘cause he know she got swagger, but he kicks her to the curb ‘cause his cousin’s
Mick Jaggerthe guy who wrote the book she starts to rage at. She’s sad and goes and watches the sun and feels happy.I’m sure there’s a great deal of double meaning and other stuff here, but I read through things so quickly—perhaps even as fast as they may be thought, which does create a wonderful effect—I might well be leaving a wake the size of Victoria’s and I really can’t quite bring myself to actually read through all of the author’s notes without cringing more than I do reading those for McNaughton’s One Nation Under God.
It’s stream-of-consciousness, of course, and the funny thing about that sort of thing is that it has every potential to highlight the beauty of the mind as well as it does the world. It’s greentext, in a sense, except with even more compression, and the weaves it creates are dazzling—but every little nook and cranny that goes unexplored, thus, feels even worse of a horrid waste. There are no digressions long enough to merit the badge of verisimilitude—if you’ve never gotten so immersed in thought that a foreign worker looking at you masking your face to the haze with curiosity as though you were a different species and as if you were something greater than that, something that wasn’t really a person insofar as an embodiment, and knowing that you were just to them that concept of rich, that concept of a person born into circumstances so much greater than you that you’re just a thing, a thing to another person, a living symbol, and that’s how a monarch must feel—and I’m going to cut out here, perhaps take a break from my usual smooth segues heh segways did you know that this isn’t even linear do people even really think like that with little words in out of nowhere huh and I can just cut in and write something here a week later and you wouldn’t be any the wiser and say that it ended in a diagram about World War I and that Twilight’s far too on-topic for a person—especially a smart person there are hints of it but not actual proper discourses the sort that go for chapters like some kind of postmodern In Search of Lost Time—who happens to be disoriented, which really does take away quite a bit of the story’s narrative potential.
Now, I’ll be honest. I’ve never read the whole of Ulysses—though it does sound like a good book, and reciting Molly Bloom’s soliloquy with the speed and joy and fury it deserves is great fun even more than reading Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues I mean really that woman has a bit of an obsession doesn’t she? Opening and closing opening and closing my arse, this is why I’m not attracted to women at the very least (or most I suppose how does sexual orientation work what a bloody mess it all is), bloody spewholes from Hell like I’m playing Doom except I don’t play Doom so the metaphor’s quite complete isn’t it, the oldest game I’ve recently played is Duke Nukem 3D and to be honest that really was a bit too awful and mean for me to really enjoy, not even because I’ve gotten more liberal or anything in the sense that ‘liberal’ somehow means ‘totalitarian’ but in the sense that I hate the radical sort of liberals bloody anglocentric racist sexist discourteous bastards and I bet you anything one will come up here right now and tell me otherwise but my point is that Duke really is a bad character in an awful universe and why did I play on Nightmare Mode the game really is only good for its gameplay and I don’t hate girls I just hate those caricatures of soulless creatures that seem so bloody common also don’t forget the spewholes like fucking Riordian I bet that she’s not actually that bad and Molly Bloom’s actually just a giant petty asshole so caught up in her youth but in a sense that really is beautifully horrid in its own little schadenfreudelich way and really, I wish audiobook recitants weren’t such dull fucks goddamn—and perhaps I’m missing something and perhaps I’m missing some great wealth of cultural meaning—as though there’s any ‘careful’ use of the word ‘astringency’ in a casual context though I must admit the word really is quite impactful and gives this feeling about the tongue like you’ve ought to suck it okay so it isn’t the best example because I admit this is actually a wonderful word that really ought to be used more often but my point is that big words are you expect me to use one ironically, don’t you? Well I’m not, so there, and actually this whole point was dumb.
The title and basis are in themselves ill-motivated, of course—Alectrona is meant to be a Greek goddess, one of sunrise, (this doesn't necessitate a transliteration into the Greek script though mate)
Pictured: No Greek script.and of course mind you I like the Doric dialect but what on earth makes you think it’s in any way obscure you silly person it’s just saying eyyyyyy instead of aaaaaah (guess what that means for your title btw pronounce that a bit different in your braincock next time this isn’t an insult just saying man you’re a sweet guy) waait no fucking hell REMOVE KEBAB REMOVE KEBAB fucking destroyed the beautiful language you had to didn’t you demotiki my ass you fucks REMOVE KEBAB ELLINIKA STRONK—and its aping of Joyce seems less to be a tribute in some sense than it really is just ‘oh look a story that would bomb worse than insert some sports blunder Americans know about like the Cubs or something something with the Ottomans? actually I know that thing entirely but I want to sound super marxisant and whatever like I only know about the Cubs because of the Ottomans but I do really only know about the Cubs because of the Ottomans did you know that the World Series was last won by the Cubs while the Ottoman Empire still existed? if not for the fact that it was written obtusely and branded with the name ‘Joyce’ so of course some tard from EqD would go ‘well I don’t want to look that stupid I mean Joyce’s a good writer isn’t he 2famous4me’ and approve it’ anyway the real problem is that as nice as the prose might be whatever substance there is is absolutely nonexistent seriously it’s all just entirely style some premise for the start of a sadfic but you wouldn’t carry that on for a whole book would you and that is why I suppose Joyce is so beloved a whole bloody book, god, that must be wonderful I really must read it some day.
I’d submit it to that guy who twirls about on the Vault, but that might imply that I think that this is the best that can be done (but to be entirely fair if something this simple is worth three pages of exposition to the author I’d go so far as to assume that this may be verging like an insert sexual pun here get it it’s funny because I’m subverting your expectations you have been rused and dreadfully made a fool of haven’t you) but of course that’s not to say that I think it’s bad in any sense and it really is beautiful in a great sense even without any knowledge of symbolism and semiotics and all those other things that people do for short stories because God knows there’s not a single writer in recent memory other than that guy with the leaves in the houses house of leaves of course I fucking know the bloody name I mean seriously why am I even trying to make jokes about titles anyway jesus oldest joke in the book just make one in a wall of text like wow just wow I’m so bloody witty mate mate mate mate mate anyway even despite whatever shortcomings I’ve manufactured in it it still is very entertaining and fun like a great deal that’s important don’t sweat it renting is for suckers right now a dependable savings and you’ll retire with money in your account so if you ask me ‘should I read it’ yes ‘is it good’ yes as if you’re still reading if you are ‘oh I went in a thousand paragraphs yes and there’s nothing about the story’ yes fuck you or I should go into stand-up yes and not deal with any of this yes just go up there and talk about politics and make horrible obscure jokes that people might laugh at not to seem dumb for it is good yes but I really do like all of you anyhow it's really good so if you ask me if you should read it yes well I’ll tell you I can’t tell you but yes I’ll say yes I’ll say Yes.
Also, there really should have been a rooster pun in there somewhere.
Just saying.
well caramel isn't really a cock so it doesn't really count i mean sure if the story was about her getting date-raped but it isn't so
inb4 bitter cruel criticism of my criticisms
locaps3lyfe
i didnt choose tha joyys lyfe tha joyys lyfe chose me
23rd June 2013
Yishun, Singapore
What the fuck did I just read.
I was expecting to see a chart with flags at some point in the post. I wasn't disappointed.
This was the correct way to review this particular story no doubt thoroughly entertaining also pleased to know you're educated enough to make linguistic jokes about various languages (Greek for instance) so I applaud you and eagerly await for more rambling goodness!
Alright, so I actually finished reading the post in its entirety.
Amit, are you alright? If not, I hope it's not contagious. As much as I love stream of consciousness, I don't want it to affect my daily life.
Well, good to know.
A stream of consciousness review of a stream of consciousness story from someone like Amit is something seen from miles away yet I was waiting when it was going to happen-oh my it's my first time writing in this particular style and it looks much less intellectual than what the style warrents; a CD-RW drive with a broken lens that is just waiting to put something in the butter so that the data can be transcribed would be an apt metaphor but I cannot stop lest I ruin the entire CD-I mean the paragraph.
One paragraph at a time, one paragraph.
Stretch fingers. Relax. Flow-flux-divergence-transliteration or transcription?
Aside from the overall plot that was surprisingly not too difficult to extract, the rest of the literary references just slip through my fingers and all I have left with is the texture of the paragraphs that somehow feel like a sponge giving me a scrub in the brain-it all comes out naturally because I already used that comment two times on that particular fic. Makes me sad that I cannot paraphrase without excessive conscious effort... sigh.
I also have the urge to sneak in or shove in as many obscure references into my paragraph but I'm not doing it because I'm lazy and I need a nap in a Saturday afternoon when I should start my cardio routine. Wait, am I even supposed to edit what I wrote when the stream has already left and moved to another? I don't know.
The keyboard of my old laptop feels hot despite having it cleaned a month ago; stupid weather and stupid broken AC.
this unclosed quote is driving me nuts
get your shit together, Amit
That's a goddamn lie, and we both know it.
1160818
Looks closed to me.
1160900
Seriously. It started serious and then I kind of started rambling.
1161483
you can't close two quotes with one single quote. it's hanging there, taunting me. you know what you're doing.
this is why em-dashes are superior. i'm using them for all my dialogue now. and translating all my description to Polish. because fuck you.
also, Joyce didn't transliterate his title because he Latinized/Romanized it. if he'd been using my superior choice of Doric Greek, he would have transliterated like a mofo. obvious you're too uncultured to understand my genius, something something insert obscure metaphor here.
1161490
You can't infix entire sentences either.
I actually made an effort to learn some Polish grammar recently. Come at me, m8.
wot did u say m8 ill fockin rek u loik fockin implying anybody could have looked it up in the library or that it could have been printed I'll fockin smash u m8 i sware on me mum
1160666 wait... what the buck did I just mostly not read? LOL :derp:
Ever get so bored that you browse through 57 blog post notifications and end up involuntarily jumping parts of the text then going back to re-read them, but you try to read the parts you missed so fast you don't take in whatever it is you were trying to digest, ultimately leaving you staring at a screen of jumbled characters that only give you vague, single word meanings without any indication towards the bigger picture or even the individual point you were trying to convey in that single sentence.
Then write a block of text out of further boredom.... Also your blog posts are difficult to fully grasp anyway without being in a catatonic state.
1160724
It appears as though I've missed this comment.
Well:
The biggest problems I have in my life are having no one to talk to on Steam, wrangling with nationality law and wondering who's ever going to read my non-pone, so I'm pretty much fine, all things considered.
Um . . inconcise much? The entirety of this post is hardly thorough in any legitimate sense, and (In more ways than one, I'm pretty damn sure you can surmise for yourself{.} [Psst - - - yeah, you know . . the ponies thing{?}]) fails to state anything other than such an opinion that your virtual persona is so much accustomed to spewing out in lengths no shorter than said entity deems appropriate for the sole purpose of maintaining said entity's (Virtually perfect grammar leads to a somewhat repetitive idea, but [having said that] at what price is conversational appropriation actually achieved{?}) self-image as an overly analytical critic of works that have little (At most, mind you - - - giving aknowledgement to the fact that very few people consider an outlet by a name such as "fanfiction" a viable avenue by which things of true achievement can ever be fabricated[.]) artistic merit.
The general theme that some of these aforementioned works slip by your preferences as "good", and others by as "bad" is all well and good, but your motive in doing so becomes incomprehensible to most readers (Save for things that involve the perpetuation of your self-image, obviously - - - things like the overall length seem to hold particularly unusual importance for said readers - - - but length is length, after all - - - you just can't forget about that[.]) through countless strokes of motific allusion to over-analysis and tautological substantiation of one's own opinion - - - theretofore only with the assistance of some moderately insightful skills of connection to real-world objects/themes/ideas are said opinions given even the murkiest lighting as to their true color, indeed.
Pride, senseless superfluity, and rambling, as always . . lots of rambling . . .
Whatever . . .
1171213
lol k
1162625 this