Help with some OCs · 7:25pm May 16th, 2013
So, I have this vague idea I occasionally poke at for a series of stories shipping the Mane Six with six different OC's. The stories would each just be a short, getting together fic; the point is just to show that it can be done well, if the OCs are properly pony-like and make sense for the canon characters in question. That's where you guys come in!
I'm going to post a short write up of all six OCs. Right now, everything is up in the air about them; names, colors, personalities, etc. The question is: Could these be ponies on the show? If not, are there adjustments that could be made?
(Most of the intended ships are obvious, BTW. Since the idea of these fics is proof of concept, I'm not stretching myself with making the romances complicated.)
Name: Diagnosis
Pony Type/Colors: Male unicorn/Cream coat, pale blue mane and tail, deep blue eyes. Wears glasses.
Cutie mark: Caduceus
Personality: A medical magic student a Princess Celestia's School. Quiet, but not shy. He mostly fears he's going to bore everypony around him with details of his magical studies, but he's managed to make a small group of friends in spite of himself. He's personally organized and precise, but he doesn't expect other ponies to be (and in fact plans for that eventuality). He can be a know-it-all when it comes to his area of expertise (medical magic,) but is typically humble and curious about things he's not familiar with.
Name: Laurel Branch
Pony Type/Colors: Female unicorn/ Light green coat, gold mane with a deep green stripe, gold eyes.
Cutie mark: Dark green Laurel wreath
Personality: A botany student at Princess Celestia's, Laurel comes from an important Canterlot family. Her interest in nature and earth pony magic have made things tense with her parents, but she's formed a close group of friends around Canterlot, including Diagnosis, whom she met in a biology class. She's friendly and open, never afraid to get her hooves dirty, and never happier than when she's working with her hybrid plants. She can come across as a bit strident- she only eats food from earth pony farms, claiming she can tell when something was grown or processed with unicorn magic.
Name: Sharp Whistle
Pony Type/Colors: Male earth pony/ Yellow coat, brown mane, amber eyes.
Cutie mark: Silver coach's whistle.
Personality: Sharp can come across as gruff, but he has a dry sense of humor that tends to cut through it, as well as a ton of patience with big egos. His father and sister are pegasi, and from his father he developed a love of watching ponies in flight, and has never missed a Wonderbolt's performance in Canterlot. Despite being an earth pony, he volunteers as a flying coach at the YPCA, and has an excellent eye for spotting mistakes. He's never been disappointed at not being able to fly himself, but he can get a little prickly when ponies won't listen to his advice due to his lack of wings.
Name: Fifetrill
Pony Type/Colors: Female pegasus/ Cream coat, yellow mane, blue eyes.
Cutie mark: Musical note
Personality: Sharp Whistle's sister; even though she got the wings in the family, she's never care much for flying. Her passion is music, specifically wind instruments, and playing with birds is a favorite pastime. She's not shy, but she tends to be very gentle, as befitting a pony who enjoys accompanying songbirds. She makes friends easily thanks to her cheerful and laid back personality, she counts Laurel Branch and Diagnosis are among her social circle, and she's always happy to add more.
Name: Wingflash
Pony Type/Colors: Male pegasus/ White coat, gold mane, silver eyes.
Cutie mark: A coin with a lightning bolt in the center.
Personality: Wingflash is always on. He's a flirt, an a bit full of himself, and never seems to take much seriously. A little digging reveals that he does take one thing very seriously: he's trying to break into acting, something he works very hard at. Despite his frivolous facade, he's kind and loyal to his friends. He's roomates with Sharp Whistle, who also coaches his flying.
Name: Echo
Pony Type/Colors: Earth pony/ unknown
Cutie mark: unknown
Personality: Echo was involved in a magical accident when she was young, and seems to be permanently invisible as a result. She has a physical presence, which she can make known by wearing a cloak or some other clothing, but that tends to make ponies uncomfortable. This predicament has only make her more open and friendly, but there are few other ponies who appreciate it. There are even fewer who appreciate it enough to talk to an invisible pony in public, which has added a cynical, self depreciating edge to her excellent sense of humor about the situation. She's friends with Diagnosis, who's been working on a counter-spell for her condition, and tries to help her find opportunities to socialize.
Thoughts or opinions? Any of them sound bad, or are there ways they could be improved? Right now this is just a mental exercise, but I really do like the idea for this project, and some of the stories could be really cute (I think.)
None of these sound at all bad, though I suspect Echo's love life is probably even more complicated than one finds in the usual Mane Six ships.
I think I know a humanoid rather like Laurel Branch.
Please do this, please please please please. I'm not normally a fan of Mane 6 x OC ships, but these characters seem really well developed, and I can already tell Diagnosis and Wingflash are my favourites.
That last one.
DAMN YOU, I've been planning a story now and then with a permanently invisible protagonist. Now it'll look like I'm copying you :(
1084855
I'm sure it'll be plenty different. Write it!
ETA: Unless you were shipping them with Pinkie Pie. In which case, you should still write it because you'll probably finish it first.
They are done better than most OC's I see. I say you are nearly finished them up perfectly.
~Hearn
1084849
Try AlphatheGriffin17's stories, He has two OC in the later books Dusk Noir and Ray Strike who could have been part of the show.
Just offhand, this is what springs to mind when you say shipped with a Mane:
Twi x Diagnosis
AJ x Laurel
Dash x Whistle
Flutters x Fifetrill
Echo x Pinkie
Which would leave Wingflash with Rarity, but I'm not sure if she'd really go for his attitude - though she'd likely want to help with the acting thing (helping him shine, kinda)
They all sem interesting, though echo's "problem" seems a wee bit far fetched... though considering Discord exists in the world, not sure what far fetched really means in Equestria
1084884
Like I said, it's more proof of concept. Just a little, one shot ship fic for each pairing, so I didn't want to throw in a lot of stuff I'd have to get them past.
Any specific reason for the hate on Diagnosis? Or just don't like that kind of character?
Eee... Just got done writing a long comment elsewhere, and am somewhat written out. I'll take a look at these a little later, I promise!
I'll write up a more detailed analysis when I'm not at work, but let me say now that as OCs, they sound fabulous; well thought out, well balanced.
As romantic interests for their respective ponies, I think they're a little too perfect and as is, stand a very high chance of falling into the trap you're trying to avoid. Not impossible to avoid, but unlikely.
1084900
To be fair, it's hard to show idiosyncrasies in a one paragraph description.
I see him as being a little more up-tight than Twilight, and a seeming a little more haughty, though that's not really on purpose. He can also be kind of a jerk when it comes to medical magic, though Twilight's overall magic knowledge would allow her to school him some of the time.
I share some of the hesitancy about Diagnosis, I'm not sure haughty is the right (outward) attitude for Twilight's beau. But maybe I'm reading the description wrong.
The other thing that I noticed was that AJ's paramour is a mare. I... I'm not sure I buy that without pulling her away from character a little. I overlook stuff like that for mane six ships (willing suspension of disbelief) but for OC ships I am a little pickier.
(Just my read of characters, and subject to change, but I only see Twi and Pinkie as potential lesbians)
At work. No time. Quick thing: Sharp Whistle reminds me of Green Grass from "Traveling Tutor And The Librarian."
1084939
My take on AJ is either all straight, or all lesbian (I just can't see her as bi). I usually go with lesbian in my fics.
I like the idea and those OC are looking good so far. I think Sharp Whistle is the most interesting one. I know you don't want to write a long, complicated story about them, but I think he and Rainbow Dash might have a great dynamic and the potential for a great tale.
Hm... most are good. No huge glaring issues.
Except Echo. See, you've got these relatively normal average ponies and then... just one invisible one? I find it hard to believe that an invisible pony is walking around like a normal one. She'd probably be in Canterlot, under supervision by scientists or mages, until they find her a cure.
I don't know. Could you imagine the Mane 6, except one of them is invisible? Looks really weird in comparison. Just unsettles me a bit.
Sharp Whistle is by far my favorite. He might be the 'Dad' of the group, or something similar. Forgive me, but I don't know what the YPCA is... although what if he formed his own little flying group? That might provide more challenges for him: example, getting trainees, rival groups, etc.
1084978 she certainly ain't a pony of halfways!
Getting me onboard with lesbian cowpony (or any lesbian pony) depends too much on execution, so I'll save that for another thread / comment section.
1085030
Echo came about because I notoriously don't like shipping Pinkie Pie. On one of my shipping groups, I asked people what kind of OC I could ship Pinkie with, and someone suggested an imaginary friend. I decided I liked the idea of Pinkie dating a pony that no one can see- Pinkie would be willing to give it a shot, and that pony would be happy to find a pony that treats her like she's normal.
Which is really the key with Echo. She is a perfectly normal pony, but with a kind of magical disability. The story would really read like a fantasy version of a "looking past disabilities" lesson, Pinkie is a pony so unconcerned about normal things that she doesn't even think to treat Echo differently, so she's rewarded with a happy relationship.
ETA: And Echo is under the medical supervision of Diagnosis, but he recognizes that she needs to live her life while he works on a cure.
Anyway, the YPCA (Young Ponies Celestial Association) is supposed to be a take on the YMCA (Young Men's Christian Association), which are clubs that usually offer youth groups, gyms and sports leagues for kids and teens.
I am utterly fascinated by the concept of Echo.
Echo sounds fantastic and I am already shipping her and Pinkie merely from what you've put and the little story behind her origins. Surely, that's a good sign?
Seriously though, they all seem very interesting and I can't wait see what becomes of them.
Not to be the one person raining on the parade, but...
If the founding idea behind this is:
Then you're kind of invalidating your own experiment via this:
Reading through the OCs, as you admit, the pony they're intended for is plainly obvious. This is because these ponies are cosmetically touched-up mirror images of their intended partners, in many cases (I'll give you Echo; she sounds interesting).
This isn't to say they can't be good characters, and that they aren't interesting; they are, but setting Twilight up with a bookish academic who can't shut up about detailed minutiae, just that it's medicine instead of magic? Pairing Rainbow Dash with an earth pony who lives for flying, is a personal trainer, and knows the Wonderbolts backwards and forwards?
Of course they're going to hit it off. They're literally made for each other. There would have to be some kind of left-field craziness for them to not, and that already sounds like the more interesting story to me.
If the aim here is to sell a mane shipping with an OC, furthermore to show that this ship can stand on the OC's worthiness alone, then they're going to have to earn it via a lot more sweat and tears than being perfect for the role by serendipitous chance.
Now that I've played Nightmare's Advocate, what would I change about them?
Physical appearances, pony subspecies, that's all open to dice-roll, I'd say, so feel free to keep what you have there. Even their occupations can be likely be kept. But their personalities have to stand on their own. This means consciously drawing nothing, or very little, from the mane six themselves.
They have to be their own ponies. If you want them to be characters on the show, then they need to bring their own merit. We already have Twilight for nervous rambling, we have Rainbow for constant blind athleticism, we have Pinkie for random snark. These ponies have to offer something new to the environment, especially if you want the viewer/reader to swallow them bringing in the romantic interest of our established girls and their deep character aspects.
Some examples:
Instead of nervous and detailed, make Diagnosis driven and insular. Brilliant, but he rarely talks about it. He 'feels' his way through things, works on intuition and insight rather than clearly explained train of thought. Make him drive Twilight crazy with his inscrutability, and she'll not be able to stop wanting to figure him out.
Make Sharp Whistle all business. Instead of dry wit and patience with ego, make him have no patience with ego. Rainbow Dash and him would clash immediately, not least because even without wings his knowledge and skill in coaching flying can hold up against her innate skills. She would grudgingly go to him for his insight on the Wonderbolts, and he would drag her sorry flank to worthiness kicking and screaming. Make him challenge her and she'll eat it up, after she gets over herself.
Well, that's my take, anyway. Granted I am also biased towards certain types of relationships, so take with salt.
I really like the idea of the invisibly pony with Pinkie. People would think she was just being her regular kooky self and talking to the air while on a date, only to be shocked when the utensils on the other side of the table start moving on their own. I predict many rustled jimmies
Also, Dash and the Whistle guy sounds interesting as well. Him being a coach and trying to perfect Dash's technique (which is flawless already, dang it! in Dash's mind) could lead to an interesting dynamic on how she learns to suck it up and take the advice of a trained professional even though he doesn't have wings. In my opinion they all sound pretty good - looking forward to this whenever its ready 
1085208 1084904 1084884
This keeps coming up, and I think this issue is the points from which people are starting.
There are many people out there who refuse to buy the concept of an OC with the Mane Six. At all. Usually, the argument is that they're frequently Mary Sues or author self-inserts. Which may be the case.
Hearing this, I set out to write some stories that would work as 3k to 5k word fics, the kind you see with Mane Six x Mane Six ships all the time about one of them confessing their love for the other (or in this case, becoming interested in dating each other), but would be OC x Mane Six. The only goal here is a cute, fluffy fic where you root for the Mane Six to get together with OCs.
I totally agree with Sunchaser, those changes he mentioned would be interesting in a longer fic that explored a relationship, though I also think that in a longer fic some of these character's problems and differences would come out and cause problems on their own. But I'm not sure I have the time to introduce and address those things in the type of stories I was planning, and I'm not sure I have the time to take on a longer fic with this goal.
Now, if the argument is that these characters do come across as Mary Sues, that's another matter that has to be looked at. I tried to give them enough flaws to seem like real ponies, and cause the sort of minor bumps that could be reconciled in a short story, but that's a place I might have failed. Is that what you're seeing?
It seems most of the good comments are taken. I will say this for you: You at least went for a more unique take. Most people who are hyper-insistent on OC/Mane Six ship to prove a point or break the mold are also rather clumsily and oafishly heteronormative and straight-biased. You at least have a mix of hetero and homosexual ships. That's the kind of thing I usually expect from the show and which I love to see in stories. I look forward to this.
1085281
Okay, promised longer comments inbound. I stand by what I said earlier, just as regular ponies in any random slice of life or adventure story or whatever, your OCs here sound pretty well balanced, you've given them some faults that serve their characters and make them seem human (or equine). And with some proper fleshing out, they could stand up as regular characters in the show.
But, consider Mary Sue as a concept. In an adventure story, the Mary Sue would always have just the right skill or talent, the right equipment, the right advice, whatever, to save the day, advance the plot, etc. In a romance, the Mary Sue is the perfect match for the character in question. These dossiers, as written, almost read out as each character's perfect mate, though I'll accept that these short descriptions are not the end-all and be-all of these characters.
Diagnosis and Sharp Whistle seem to have the most visible potential conflict. I can picture them butting heads with Twi and RD over the finer points of medical magic and flying, respectively.
I can see Wingflash possibly reminding Rarity a bit too much of Prince Blueblood at times and that maybe being a bone of contention there.
I can't quite visualize problems between Laurel and AJ, unless Laurel takes offense to AJ letting her unicorn and pegasus friends help with the apple harvesting.
I can't really imagine any sort of conflict between Fifetrill and Fluttershy unless it's over proper care of their avian friends.
Echo.. I like the concept, I love the concept, but I have difficulty believing she could be so upbeat about her condition. Not saying you can't pull it off, but it seems a bit odd. I can maybe see her not quite believing that Pinkie is serious about wanting to date her.
The fic length might be a problem too. Since you're starting from scratch with these characters, you do have to spend some time establishing them (which I'm sure you already know), but if it's well done, with good word economy, you could probably pull it off (and I do think you can pull this off if anyone can).
That's my (at least) $0.02
1085843
I totally see where you're coming from. On the other hand, I'll point out that many good romances are based on two people who are clearly perfect for each other meeting under the wrong circumstances, and/or not realizing it for some reason, or having some other outside difficulty. Similar to the way that what you describe as an adventure Mary Sue could easily fit Luke Skywalker, but the whole hero's journey thing going on makes the story feel right, even if Luke is kind of (very) boring by himself.
As to Laurel Branch, the biggest flaw with her and AJ is likely to be her kind of... fetish for earth pony stuff. That can be flattering to AJ, but it's easy for it to come off as kind of naive or insulting. AJ doesn't want to be some rebelling unicorn's token earth pony marefriend, so they would have to work that out.
Fifetrill and Fluttershy are boring. There, the idea of Fluttershy meeting a new pony and agreeing to a date is a dramatic conflict in itself, so the relationship has absolutely no claws. Of all of them, it's the one I'd have the least interest in continuing.
1085914
Good point. That particular aspect slipped my mind as I was getting caught up in other things. With the right framing story they could all work and be believable and non-boring.
I see where you're going with Laurel Branch now. Yes, that would make an interesting story. Good point about Fluttershy as well, she probably would be a tough nut for an outsider to crack.
You seem to have everything in order as far as my mind can stretch. I can poke no further holes in your scheme at this time. And I do hope you decide to write these stories out. :)
Permission to assign theme tunes (Mostly from video game soundtracks)?
1086029
Permission granted, though I'll likely have never heard any of the songs.
I love these OC's already. You could right characters for the show, I swear. I'm very interested in Laurel and AJ's romance (mostly form how you described it in you comment to Jondor). I love the concept behind Echo being like an imaginary friend for Pinkie. The only one I'm hesitant on is Fifetrill and Fluttershy. That's mostly because, like you and Pinkie, I have trouble being sold on ships with her. But, if anyone can write it, you can.
1086061Alright then!
Diagnosis:
Sharp Whistle:
Laurel Branch:
Fifetrill:
Echo:
Wingflash:
And I'm finally back.
As for your OCs, I think they sound interesting and well-rounded in general. It's hard to get too much more of a feel than that from a one-paragraph blurb, but they seem like reasonable ideas. That said, I agree with 1085208 and 1085843 that the matches just feel a little too obvious / perfect and the characters a little too similar. In some cases, that makes the summaries read like the OC would openly overshadow the Mane Six character (I'm looking at you, Fifetrill). I get that the idea is to make this short and easy, to demonstrate that it can be done well, but I think it's also overlooking the fact that close matches don't always make for the best relationships. What I see in myself isn't necessarily what I want to look for in another person.
That all said, and since I do like your OCs, I'd propose mixing this up a bit. When writers ship the Mane Six, they're looking for complimentarity rather than sameness. I think the same should go here as well. Personally, I'd probably run with:
Diagnosis x Applejack – D seems to have a good personality, and I suspect he could attract Applejack's attention just by being interested in what she does. Admittedly, this is my "left over" pairing.
Laurel Branch x Twilight – They share a background and she's very research-nerdy, which would compliment Twilight nicely and make for shared enthusiasm.
Sharp Whistle x Pinkie Pie – Pinkie has demonstrated her interest in flying and Rainbow Dash fanfillyishness more than once, and I suspect she'd find a lot in common with SW.
Fifetrill x Rarity – I always think of Rarity as principally an artist, and I'm sure she'd have plenty of appreciation for music. Toss in Fifetrill and Sweetie Belle hitting it off, and this is easy.
Wingflash x Rainbow Dash – Even though they have very different goals, they share some definite similarities of personality, and I think they'd play off each other wonderfully. Also ties RD in with Sharp Whistle, who makes for a much better trainer than romantic interest.
Echo x Fluttershy – Just... how can you read Echo and not think she'd be a fantastic match for Fluttershy? I don't even...
The first sounds very Twilightish by description so keep that in mind. As for colours, there's huge variation in the colour gold so without seeing the colour choices it's hard to say
But at a glance? they sound plausible.
by far the strongest and most interesting ship is Echo x Pinkie. I would love love love to read that
PLEASE WRITE ECHO X PINKIE
That being said, I think PinkiexEcho should be the highlight of the story, or the event which kicks off the story.
Like, Echo gets lost at a crowded fair without her cloak, and the first pony to respond to her pleas for help/ notice her is Pinkie. Everypony thinks Pinkie is crazy, Pinkie offers to help Echo find her friends, and then the two groups meet. or something to that effect.
Also, it would be great, if throughout the different shipping stories, there was some over-arching conflict/event happening in the background that requires the two groups to spend time with each other in the first place.
for example. Diagnosis decides Twilight could help with Echo's condition, so they all temporarily relocate to Ponyville.
on a final note, I would reccomend revising Diagnosis's character, and a different name wouldn't hurt.
Overall I'm digging the idea.
PS. Laurel Branch should be the poster child of my college