In Retrospect: Ponies and Cage / The Beasts of Tartarus · 3:58pm Dec 10th, 2023
Why yes, it has been 24 weeks since my last retrospective blog post, but who was counting anyway? I'm back for another round and that's what matters!
Once again, I'll be taking a look at my past work and posing the question of... why? Will I know the answer? Probably not, but keep reading to find out! Today I'll be looking at Ponies and Cage and The Beasts of Tartarus!
Shall we?
Ponies and Cage
So this one, I didn't even finish. It barely even got started, only having the prologue, and that barely scrapes 1300 words. If I recall correctly, the premise of this was that some of our favorite characters got transported to the real world and it was up to Nicolas Cage to find and save them. What brought them to Earth? Who knows. Why Nicolas Cage? Well obviously that was the best choice. Each chapter was going to be focused on a different pony, and the storyline of each chapter would be based on a Cage film. I don't remember which movies would be for which character chapter, so we'll just leave that up to the imagination for now.
Prologue
We begin with a narration from the main character himself, Nick Cage. He describes how he's had a weird week, then talks about how he looks and where he's lived before. He then reveals he's currently back in college to get an education and pay off the debt from his "regular" career. He's in a dorm room by himself, because he's a secret nerd and collector. He also has a fascination with MLP:FiM, naturally.
He says that while he was in theater class, he noticed the latest episode had finished downloading. Not sure how he knows that unless he was downloading it on his phone or something? I never specified in the writing. He goes to open the episode and a scroll magics itself in front of him. Nick starts reading the scroll, and it's a request for help. He isn't sure from whom. The scroll mentions that people have appeared in this world that he would recognize.
And this is where I remembered that this was going to be humanized versions of the pony characters. I totally forgot that part! Anyway, Nick is confused about who could've sent this scroll, because he's never told anyone he watches MLP, but this writer knows. The message also is specifically sent to Nick because the writer knows his "unique talents", and alludes that both worlds are connected somehow. The scroll is signed by Princess Celestia, and Cage takes this at face value and is completely ready for his mission. He's just not sure how.
Luckily, Celestia gives him a McGuffin necklace which will lead him in the direction of the nearest Equestrian resident. Cage understands this, so he gets dressed in his attire from Wild at Heart and leaves the dorm to his motorcycle from Ghost Rider. Yes, I specifically wrote the model of bike he used in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. I'm serious about my Nick Cage lore, do not test me.
The prologue ends with Cage looking at the necklace, which is glowing pink, so it can only be leading to one pony: his favorite, Pinkie Pie. It ends with Cage confidently saying "I'm coming to save you, Pinkie Pie."
I'll be honest with you I don't know what in the hell I just read. It feels super obvious that I had no idea where this was going and just had to establish the premise off the bat. I wouldn't say the dialogue even sounds like Cage, either. I guess in some spots it sounds like something he'd say, but overall I think it could've been done a lot better. I'm also not sure why I went with the direction of "Nick Cage telling you a story." I'm not saying that's a bad way to do it, I'm not sure why I chose it. No author's note, so I can't imagine what I was thinking.
HOWEVER, about four years ago (jesus, it's been that long?) I wrote this blog post where I shared a bunch of outlines and notes from things I had been working on, and lucky for us, Ponies and Cage is there! It looks like I had put a bunch of movies into a random number generator and had it spit them out in the order the chapters would be. So we have Pinkie Pie's chapter being based on The Wicker Man along with a brief outline.
Cage would have gone to his mansion for supplies, but found his home had been broken into and his MLP comic collection stolen. A strand of wicker would be his only clue, and the necklace would take him to a remote island. There, he would punch a nun for a disguise, find Pinkie Pie trapped in a giant wicker pony, discover Christopher Lee was the culprit behind the abduction and comic theft, and then fight Christopher Lee with bees.
I actually think I didn't write this outline. I think it was Blueshift, that cheeky lad. Only he could have come up with this insane storyline. I implore you to look at the document yourself because there are more pony/movie combos there. You can use your imagination to come up with what might've happened. I'm sure if I put more thought into it and planned the story out, this could've been a decently amusing fic about Cage doing Cage antics and gathering up the characters like some weird harem anime, all wrapped up in homages and references to numerous Nick Cage flicks.
Ah, what could've been. Unfortunately, potential is very different from reality.
I will give Ponies and Cage a final rating of... 2/10. It's not even a story, and what's there isn't even that good. We can only imagine how things would turn out if I gave it a proper go.
The Beasts of Tartarus
Another story that went unfinished (seeing a theme?), and also loosely Cage involved. The story was about Fluttershy making a deal with the devil and becoming the Ghost Flyer, which is clearly based on Ghost Rider. I have to ask myself... why? Why this character for this premise? Is it the juxtaposition of typically peace-loving and gentle Fluttershy becoming an otherwordly force of destruction? Actually when I write it out like that, yeah, most likely. The epitome of "oh this is a cool idea" and just running with it.
After taking a look at the outline, this was a three-act story where Angel gets deathly ill, and Fluttershy's only hope of saving him is to go to Tartarus and make a deal with the Keeper (i.e. the devil). She does this, and Angel does get better, but weeks later a storm rages on Ponyville and Angel is unfortunately killed by a falling tree. The story was actually supposed to take a pretty dark turn from this point, with Fluttershy spiraling into depression and drifting away from her animal friends and pony friends, eventually losing the will to live and considering ending things. Not the kind of thing I would write, and honestly, I don't believe I have the skill to write that.
But before she can go through with that, the Keeper of Tartarus comes knocking on her door (literally) to cash in on that deal she made. Turns out a bunch of demons were released from Tartarus, and the Keeper is saying Fluttershy has the clean up the mess to fulfill her end of the bargain. She denies his request, and this leads to the Keeper cursing her and turning her into the Ghost Flier, which possesses her for a bit and leads her to take out the first demon.
Does that sound cool? Sound like a thing you'd be interested in reading? Great! Too bad I didn't fuckin write it. I once again only wrote the prologue, because continuous and steady work is hard!
Anyway, let's see what I had actually written.
The Deal
It starts off with Fluttershy bursting into the library on the verge of tears, begging Twilight for help. Twilight asks what's wrong, and Fluttershy explains that Angel has come down with some illness and none of her treatments are working. Twilight helps calm her down, then starts looking through veterinary books for something that matches his symptoms. Fluttershy starts looking as well, and comes to the "Supernatural" section of the library. In it, she finds a book about the Legends of Tartarus.
Twilight continues looking through books and finally stumbles upon what she believes the disease to be. And it is... VHD/RCD, or, Viral Hemorrhagic Disease of Rabbits/Rabbit Calicivirus Disease" which I am 100% certain I got after Googling something like "fatal rabbit diseases." It's accurate, sure, but it just feels so out of place here. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe the story does call for actual veterinary abbreviations and full disease names. Regardless, Twilight discovers the truth that this disease is usually fatal and has no known cure.
Meanwhile Fluttershy is reading through the book about Tartarus and finds an oddly specific and Chekhovian sentence about a rumor that one can make a deal with the Keeper of Tartarus. She has no real reason to be reading this book, especially when she's trying to figure out how to cure her sick animal friend, but the story has to go on somehow I suppose. She quietly slips this book into her saddlebags and talks to Twilight, who just straight up lies to her.
Yep, just says she couldn't find anything about the disease because the truth would break Fluttershy's heart. That's probably a bit more than a white lie and might firmly fall under the "scumbag move" category. Definitely something I would change nowadays. At least Twilight recognizes this is a scumbag move and feels bad about it. But then why'd she still do it?
Fluttershy then leaves the library, and as they lose sight of each other, both of them start to tear up. A nice detail, which I will give past Alex a pat on the back for.
When Fluttershy gets back to her cottage, she takes out the book she stole and starts reading through it. It talks about legends of ponies that had mysteriously gained fame and fortune after travelling, and they would never reveal the secret to their success. It then goes over the part Fluttershy read earlier. She thinks about it for a bit and looks at a map of Equestria, revealing that Tartarus is surprisingly close! An hour's flight, to be exact. Thank goodness the literal gate to hell is so accessible.
She then goes upstairs and checks on Angel, and the mere sight of him in such a bad state is enough to give her a minor breakdown. She drags herself back to the book and finds the map, saying she'll do anything to save her Angel Bunny and pay any price for it. Her mind made up, she goes to the door to leave.
We cut to her outside the gates. Upon seeing it in person, she's obviously very averse to getting closer to the literal gates of hell. But she keeps Angel in mind and forces herself to get closer, step by step. She finally makes it to the gates, and after being terrified when they open by themselves, finally works up the courage to walk inside, closing her eyes to do so.
When she finally opens them, she's deep in the entryway and there's actually a pretty nice description of how this place looks. There are large columns, skulls and bones, torches will blue flame. It brings up some nice imagery, good job me. Fluttershy eeks out a "Hello?" which gets no answer, so she continues. Eventually, she hears the sound of water and follows it to find a river, dock, and small boat. She attempts to go on the boat but is stopped by a voice telling her it's not her time yet.
She turns around and comes face to face with the Keeper, who looks like your standard grim reaper. Hooded, shadowy face, ripped, flowing cloak, you know the deal. He introduces himself and says he's a busy guy, and he knows Fluttershy is here for a reason. Fluttershy is scared speechless at this point, understandably, so he does most of the talking here.
He brings up Angel, then snaps his fingers and produces and hourglass with not much time left in it. He says Angel doesn't have much time left, but also mentions he can cure it with a small payment. Just, y'know, Fluttershy's soul. He produces a contract in front of her and asks her to sign it. And y'know what, she's smart, because she actually starts reading the contract! Unfortunately, she doesn't get very far, as something pricks her hoof and causes blood to drop right on the signature line. Convenient!
There's no explanation for why this happens, I may have forgotten to write it in. And then I looked at the scene from Ghost Rider and saw that's how it happens in the movie. Johnny is holding the scroll and suddenly his thumb gets stabbed by something. So, I guess it's in-line with the film. However, I don't think equine hooves would bleed from getting a small stab like that, so... I'd have to find somewhere else for Fluttershy to bleed from. That sentence sounds grim, moving on.
The Keeper takes the contract and says he's gonna give her a "gift", and with a touch to the chest, she suddenly feels pain, glows orange, and black smoke begins wisping from her mouth and eyes. The Keeper then circles around her, telling her "you're mine now" and that she can live her life normally, but he "always collect on his debts." After this, he says his end of the deal is finished and so he fades away into the darkness of Tartarus. Fluttershy is stunned, in shock, and still in pain, so all she can do is start limping back the way she came.
Chapter over.
I'll be honest, I actually liked that one quite a bit. The writing was relatively good, I think the characters for the most part felt like themselves, and there were even some darker moments in there that I didn't cringe about while re-reading. Success! But once again, it is just a damn shame that I never finished it. Or even put anything past the prologue.
There was a lot to enjoy there, like the imagery of Tartarus, the Keeper as a character, and just the overall concept of Fluttershy selling her soul to the devil to save her animal friend. And then the knowledge that this leads to her becoming a goddamn fiery, chain-wielding supernatural force. It's cool, this prologue chapter was cool, but... that's all there is.
Sure, there's basically a full outline done, but that does not replace the proper story.
Alas, I shall give The Beasts of Tartarus a final rating of... 4/10. Really good but really unfinished with so much wasted potential.
And so comes the end to another retrospective! Next time I will finally be dealing with The Princess and the Pupil, which to be honest is why this took so long to write. I don't know why but I feel very apprehensive about re-reading that one. Perhaps I think it'll just be cringey and I'll wonder how I ever thought it was okay to publish. You know, the standard reflection on old work.
But anyway, thanks for reading if you got this far! Join me next time when I for sure cover The Princess and the Pupil and maybe A Sound in the Forest!
Neat! This is a really fun dive into old fics and here's hoping Princess isn't as cringey as you fear it is.
Heh, this was fun. I wonder if the Blueshiftian influence was similar to all of us pitching in to write those Soviet Russia episode summaries that Benman started. Also, "because Nicolas Cage" is an acceptable answer to any question.
it is completely unfair that you have to, like, finish stories for them to be done >:| just absolutely inconceivable
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Yeah, hopefully. Maybe I'm just remembering poorly!
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I would often share my ideas or planning documents and people like Blueshift, Couch, Present, etc. would jump in and comment. I'm confident this was one of those instances, which I am all for because it quite often had hilarious results. And you know what, fair. Nick Cage needs no further explanation.
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Right? What a horrible thing we've developed, where we get these ideas and they aren't just fully fleshed out masterpieces immediately.