The Melancholy of Now · 7:58am Mar 26th, 2023
As I rapidly close in on 30,000 words written this year (that's an average of 10K a month), I find myself feeling weirdly... melancholic.
I'm writing again. Quite a bit. It's feeling more and more possible to finish and post stories than it has in quite a while. No, my hiatus is not officially over (more on that later), but it is safe to say you'll see at minimum a few more things from me before I disappear again.
But as my productivity increases, I find myself looking back. 2013/2014 were my most... prolific years, smack bang in the middle of the fandom's height. I wrote some pretty good stories back then. Just a Joke and She Said No are my only stories to crack 10,000 views, and while much of that can be attributed to them being almost a decade old (Holy shit a lot of my writing is a decade old. That's some fucking bottled existential dread to unpack later), at lot of it is also because this site had some of its highest active users back then.
I'm sure everyone has noticed the rather... low bar of the featured box these days. Stories with less than a hundred views and only a dozen or so likes are popping up every couple days and sticking around far longer than expected. I don't think it's a secret that the fandom as a whole is past its prime.
Not that there's really anything wrong with that. I'm not over here complaining about low view counts, or anything. Lord knows I still get way more than my quality deserves, but it is... sad, for a different reason.
I'm waxing lyrical over the decline of the fandom, or anything. If the Harry Potter fandom has taught me anything, it's that true fans don't need new content to keep the fandom alive, and even a disgusting TERF of an original creator can't bring something down. Speaking of, fuck JKR, unfollow me if you agree with her.
Sorry not sorry.
But I'm getting off topic. Actually I've been off topic for a while now. This shit is why I can't write a cohesive long-form story to save my damn life.
Right, so, I'm not really sad about the shrinking user base here. In truth, I don't think the fandom as a whole will ever really disappear. And lord knows I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. But... well, let me put it this way; there were almost four years between updates for A Rainbow at Dusk. There were a lot of people in the comments, wishing for the next chapter, who last logged on 2 or 3 years ago.
That's... that hurts me in a way that I didn't really think it would.
Several of my followers, the people who would be first to comment on every new fic I published, have moved on from the site, and now that I'm being productive, and putting out what I feel is my best work to date, I feel like... like...
Not that they missed out, but that I let them down. That if I'd only written these stories sooner, if I'd not taken those several-year hiatuses, I might have been able to give them a few more stories to enjoy before they moved on. I dunno, maybe that sounds egotistical of me, but that's not where the feeling comes from, I don't think. I know how much it can hurt for your favourite writer to leave or move on or otherwise stop posting, and... I feel like I left them with that feeling, even though I never officially retired (and in fact did come back).
Perhaps it's the ending, thing. I... don't like endings. Truth be told, I don't think we, as humans, like endings in general.
Hell, I still haven't watched the last episodes of MLP. I... can't let that end. Maybe that's unhealthy, but I... don't want it to end, even though I know it did.
It's one of the reasons I've never officially retired. Partly because, as it turns out, I did come back (both times), and still have stories I want to write. But part of it is because I just... I don't want this chapter of my life to end. I'm not ready to close the book on this part of myself. Perhaps I never will be. And is that so wrong? Is it so wrong to want to hold on to something, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem?
Right, off topic. Anyway, as I write some of my best stories (in my opinion), I feel... guilty, for not doing so earlier, so that some people could enjoy them before they moved on from the fandom. It's a strange feeling, and one I've been grappling with as I plot out and rough draft a project that I have been looking forward to for quite a while. And as I looked over my plan, I couldn't help but think of some old followers of mine that probably would have loved to read it.
I dunno, I suppose it's just me being nostalgic for the old days again, when you get right down to it.
Oh look, a wild seguey!
Right, so, I've given a lot of thought recently to my writing. How I've improved over the years. Hell, if I've improved over the years. Going strictly by views/likes? I did my best writing when I was 15/16 years old. But as we've established, that doesn't mean too much. So instead, I asked myself... of my fics, what are the ones that I like tor ead? The ones that I go back to, regularly, when I want to comfort myself?
Yeah, I have comfort fics that are my own fics. How's that for ego?
No, honestly, it's... part of it is because I'm so familiar with them. They're comfort fics because they're so comfortable. I know them inside and out, and I find that... well... comforting. Sure me.
Anyway, back in the day, the fic I always read was Touching Stars. It was... it was just a nice read. And it still is, to be honest. I adore that fic. It's actually still one of my most positively reviews stories going by like/dislike ratio.
Recently, thought, I find myself going back to Mamihlapinatapei over and over, whenever I need a hit of the Twidash Fuzzies. And I realized, that... they're the same fic. Not, like, the same plot, but they have the same... I dunno. Vibe? They're the classic Confession Fic as I've just-now dubbed them. I don't think I need to explain that terminology. But more than that, they both center around on character fawning over the other, and spending time together building on those feelings. Kinda. Mamihlapinatapei is a bit different in that both characters fall for each other, but you get the idea. The moment, that time in the relationship, the tense build up of emotion before the question is popped, through to the first embrace (and often kiss) of a new couple, the release of emotion, that's clearly my favourite part of the relationship to write. Given how many I've written.
But Mami (Yes I'm abbreviating it now, you try typing that damn word out every time) did it so much better than Stars. Not only is it longer, but instead of a character exposition-dumping the reason for their feelings in a dialogue paragraph, I showed the buildup of the relationship through the little moments in the flashbacks. Also I think the fuzzy payoff at the end was better, as was the characterization.
In a similar vein, Tomorrow was a nice melancholic read, originally posted in 2015. Ignoring the recent update in 2019. I read it often when I was feeling down, most often due to bouts of depression. The story of someone who refused to move on. (Gee, that's a bit on the nose for this blog).
Contrasted now, with It's Four AM, and All I Can Think of is You, the story of someone forced to move on, and being drawn back into their memories. The narration has a unique feeling to it that reminds me of someone reminiscing about their past. Which, I mean, it is, but y'know. I really like how the prose on that one feels. As mentioned before, it was very much written as a way to help me cope with the passing of my aunt, so it comes from a very raw place for me.
And then I wrote the alternate ending because for my own mental health I needed it to have a happy ending. Sue me.
All of this to say... yes, I really do feel like I've improved at my craft. I've still got so much room to grow, but baby steps, yeah?
As I grow, I start branching into bigger stories, higher stakes. I've tried that before, Marks of History was supposed to be my first grand adventure fic. How many of yall even know what that is? Then came The Break of Dawn, which... well, lets just say I'm working on planning a massive re-write for that. No promises, but... that might happen. After that, the fic that brought me out of my first hiatus: I'll Bring You Home. Okay, technically it was A Little Nudge, but that was written spur of the moment while I was already planning and working on the other on. I'll Bring You Home is still a pride point for me, the writing isn't the best, as it's rushed, and you can tell how I was running out of steam as I burned through my backlog and then ran out, but I love the story. It's something I fully intend to return to one day.
And now...
well.
I have another big project in the works. Not as big as those two, since i'm working up in smaller increments now. It's not adventure, but it is longer, I estimate currently between 60 and 80 thousand words. I have a full plan, and have just finished the rough draft of the first chapter.
It's one of my patented porn-with-a-plot fics.
The point is, this is one that I'm going to finish entirely before I post. So, it's not coming any time soon, but... when I finish that, when I start posting it, that will be when I feel as though I can officially end my hiatus. That will be when I feel as though my writing has come into its true high point, when that story reaches a level I can truly be proud of, I will be the best writer I have ever been in every way.
Every fic you see come between now and when that fic is officially announced will be practice. The recent portal clopfic is almost entirely for the purpose of practicing. Same with the emotions recently explored in A Rainbow at Dusk. As well as some one-shots that aren't out yet (no spoilers). All building up to this fic.
I don't mean to hype it up too much, but... I'm really happy with the plan for it, and I really hope I can do it justice.
Anyway, that's... I think that's all the rambling I want to do for tonight. I've got some more words to get down before I go to bed, so I'll go do that. Dunno what I'm gonna call this blog, maybe I'll just keyboard smash?
Until next time,
Kodeake out
"Sorry I haven't been writing a lot, guys."
*proceeds to write a three thousand word blog post about it*
I mean, I totally get it, I jest out of love. :P Take joy in whatever it is you do!