Chapter 6: Beauty and the Beast
Fluttershy could only look off in sadness toward the direction that Daemon flew. The rest of her friends behind her had a few questions, so when Twilight asked what that was all about, Fluttershy told them all she knew. It just so happened that Daemon, and every other Shadowmare born, has a fatal flaw and it differs from Shadowmare to Shadowmare. Sometimes the flaw would be something completely harmless, like the inability to taste strawberries... but other times it would be something much more severe. With Desdemona, her flaw was that she couldn't shiver, no matter how cold it got. However, with Daemon, his flaw was a gift and a curse. He was unable to control himself in combat, making him a ruthless, unforgiving, blood-thirsty warrior whenever the enemy attacked. Desdemona often would tell him that if she had his “flaw” she would accept it as a blessing... but Daemon is a peaceful and kind soul who hates to hurt others, making him see his flaw as his inner monster, and sometimes his true self.
“Because he has never had the reason to fight in Ponyville till now, he must be seeing this as a huge problem”, Twilight said after Fluttershy had finished talking.
“Yes... I'm afraid that he's panicking right now... he might do something bad if we don't talk to him soon.”, Fluttershy responded, looking quite sad from the whole dilemma.
“Yeah, but how will we be able to calm him down if we can't even find him?! It's not like we know his favourite hiding spots right?!”, Rainbow Dash shouted, sounding frustrated.
“Well actually... I think I know where he might be... but we don't want to spook him, so I may only be able to bring one of you...”, Fluttershy told them quietly.
“I'll go”, Rarity said, raising her hoof. “I have been told I have a way with words, so I might be able to make him a little more... rational.”. Fluttershy nodded and lead Rarity to where she believed they could find Daemon.
Discord then scooted over by Twilight, spat out a tooth with some blood, and asked, “Sooo... you wont be telling Celestia about this will you?”. Twilight glared at him and responded, “No, you're not getting off that easy!”.
“Well, I tried.”, Discord said shrugging.
They spotted Daemon exactly where Fluttershy thought he would be... on the same overhang that he was found on during the party. This time he wasn't found singing. Instead they saw his figure laying on the ground with his hooves over his eyes, sobbing in complete misery.
“You know, you'll never be able to hide for long if you keep coming to the same spot...” Fluttershy said, laying her hoof gently on his shoulder. Daemon quickly pushed her hoof off him and cringed.
“I don't have anywhere else... this is the only place where I can go. Please, just go... I don't want to hurt you too!”, Daemon cried before dropping to the ground again.
“THAT IS ENOUGH!”, Rarity shouted, catching Daemon and Fluttershy by surprise, “That wasn't you fighting discord! You know better than that! I'm sick and tired of you putting yourself down! You may not be the most attractive pony, but you are the most gentle, kind, and caring stallion I've ever met and if that's not enough you saved us all! You are a hero! Never forget it!”, Rarity yelled, now with signs of tears forming.
“But I... uh...”, Daemon stuttered before closing his eyes and giving a small smile of acceptance. “You're right, Rarity. I'm always doing this... I am constantly seeing myself in the darkest way, never looking to the good things I've done. And you know what else? That all ends now! I'm tired of being sad all the time. I appreciate the well deserved kick in the flank you gave me, I needed that.”. Daemon smiled a bit more and wiped a tear from his eye. “D. Monica should be getting home soon... we should get back home before she gets there and throws a fit.”.
The three went back to Fluttershy's house and on the way Daemon asked Rarity a few questions, mostly concerning what she was doing and if he could help. Daemon was the kind of pony that didn't like to pass up a chance to repay another who had helped him in any way. It turned out that she was having a hard time coming up with a new line of clothing. Daemon suggested that he could visit her tomorrow to help with ideas. Rarity was just concerned that he wouldn't be able to help and get back to feeling sad, but she agreed to let him try.
Shortly after Rarity left Desdemona walked through the door, letting out a big sigh in exhaustion. Fluttershy was acting like she was reading, while Daemon was acting like he was tuning his guitar.
“I'm finally back... so did anything interesting happen while I was gone?”, Desdemona asked the two who were faking their boring activities.
“Um... no, nothing of interest.” Fluttershy lied, smiling. Daemon shot up his hoof and shouted, “Ooh! I saw a squirrel on my way to Twilight's!”. Desdemona furrowed her eyebrows in contempt.
“Faaassscinating... well, as exciting as your days were and how much I would love to talk about it... I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.”, Desdemona said sarcastically, heading up the stairs. Daemon and Fluttershy simply smiled at each other pleasantly.
The next day Discord was sent to Celestia for his punishment. It was decided that he was to be imprisoned in an area specifically designed to negate all magic... for the next 2,000 years. Meanwhile Daemon was heading to Rarity's, when he spotted the mailmare, Derpy Hooves. She was carrying a letter and walking toward him. Daemon happened to like her for her clumsy accidents, he thought it was cute how she made a simple task seem so complicated. She was a blast to talk to at the party, always seeming to be more intelligent than her appearance led on. As Daemon was thinking of how much fun she was to be around, he didn't notice her stop right in front of him.
“Hello! I brought you this... it's very important! The Doctor said it's even more important than muffins! Can you believe that?! Nothing should be that important, but I know you never question The Doctor... he gets mad when you do.”, Derpy said, giving him the letter. Daemon took the letter and looked at it, wondering what Derpy had meant by it being very important.
“Did you give it to him?”, said a pony that Daemon also met at the party.
“Yes, Doctor! I gave it to him like you said and I didn't tell him about how he-”
“Don't tell him! You'll cause a paradox if you do! Now come along miss Hooves!”, the doctor said, walking over to a blue phone booth.
“I told you! My name is... you know what? Forget it, I guess I’m Derpy now...”, Derpy responded. This doctor was quite strange actually. He said he was 'The Doctor', but never said what he was a doctor of or what his real name was. Daemon simply shrugged and continued over to Rarity's.
Upon arriving at the boutique, Daemon quickly shoved the doors open and shouted, “DING-DONG!”.
“Oh, hello Daemon! Are you ready to brainstorm?”, Rarity asked.
“Yep! I even remembered to bring the storm cloud!”, Daemon said, pulling down a small dark cloud. Rarity laughed at his joke, while still maintaining her ladylike demeanor.
“Well I don't think we shall be needing that... uh, what is that in your pocket?”, Rarity asked pointing at the letter.
“I'm not really sure...” Daemon replied, looking at the letter with a raised eyebrow. “Derpy just gave it to me and said it was 'important'. I guess now is a good a time as any to read it.”. Daemon opened the envelope in one quick motion and took out a small scrap of paper.
“Well? What does it say?”, Rarity inquired.
“It just says, 'when you find yourself in your darkest hour, show her how you feel before facing the light'... and that's it.” Daemon said shaking the envelope in hope that there would be another clue inside.
“Well that certainty is mysterious... I wonder what it means.”, Rarity said, puzzling over the letters contents.
“Well I don't think it's all that important right now. We should just focus on getting your new...”, Daemon shuddered, “ugh, fashion line done.”. Rarity nodded and went over to her mannequins that already had some designs on them.
“You see, Daemon, the problem I'm having is that I can't think of good designs for stallions. They always turn out too... feminine. And the order I got was for strictly stallion apparel, so there lies the dilemma.”, Rarity explained while moving some fabrics up to her creations, trying to determine a good colour to go with them.
“Well I think I see your problem Rarity... you try too hard! Guys are normally glad to wear simple, darker things. Less is more! I mean just look at what you made me for example.”, Daemon said presenting himself. “Its only a vest and some straps that I wear as shoes. They are black and aren't 'dazzling' in any way, but they are functional. The pockets come in handy when I need to carry something small, like a letter... and they make it easy to move, unrestricted. That is what stallions are all about! Simplicity! Oh, and it's our girlfriends that we really want to stand out, so we just try to blend in to let them shine.”. Rarity just looked down and tried to absorb this information.
“I think I understand... but I don't really feel inspired to make something like that.”, Rarity said, looking slightly confused.
“I thought you might need some help with that, so I brought this!”, Daemon said, pulling out his guitar. “Now just let the music flow through you. Let it do all the work.”
Daemon started playing his guitar, it was a smooth melody with a bit of a rock like feeling in it.{Link 1} His lyrics were a little unusual though. They spoke of doing anything for his love and it made Rarity believe that the song couldn't possibly be for her. During the middle of the song, Fluttershy walked in, just to check on how things were going, and upon hearing the lyrics flowing from Daemons mouth, she broke into tears. Daemon stopped singing and walked over to Fluttershy.
“Fluttershy what's wro-” before Daemon could finish his question Fluttershy ran out crying.
“Oh dear...”, Rarity said concerned.
“I don't get it. What's wrong with Fluttershy?” Daemon asked, oblivious to what was going on.
“You really don't know? Umm... how should I put this? Fluttershy... likes you.”, Rarity said, putting her hoof on his shoulder in a caring way.
“Well that's nice. I like her too!”, Daemon said smiling, “But that still doesn't explain why she was crying”.
Rarity face hoofed, “No! I mean she LIKES YOU, likes you! She has cared for you this way for a while now... and when she saw you singing that song to me... I believe she may have gotten the wrong impression.”.
“Wait, you mean she... loves me?”, Daemon said, looking as if he was about to cry tears of joy. “You know I... made that song when I was thinking of her. I think I might love her too...”, Daemon sniffed and gave a small laugh before hugging Rarity.
The stylish unicorn patted him on the back and said, “Well if that's how you feel... you should tell her now. She could really use it.”.
“Yeah! I know exactly how to do it t—wait... what about you? I promised that I'd help.”, Daemon said, loyal as always.
“Oh don't you worry about me. I'll be fine. Just make sure that whatever you are planing will be sure to work... Fluttershy is probably in a really sensitive state right now and needs all the help you can...”, Rarity stopped as soon as she heard the doors shut behind her. “...Spare...”, Rarity sighed, smiling.
Several hours had passed and Fluttershy was still crying into her pillow.
'It's not fair...' she thought 'I was told I couldn't love him and now he loves Rarity... how could this happen?'. Angel hopped up to her and stroked her mane concerned when he heard a small tapping on the window downstairs. He went to check it out and saw Daemon outside.
“Angel, I have a favor to ask...” Daemon whispered in order to keep Fluttershy from hearing. Angel crossed his arms and looked very upset with him.
“Yeah I know... I messed up, but I can make it better. Trust me. Just lead Fluttershy down here and I'll do the rest.”, Daemon continued to whisper to the white rabbit. Still upset, Angel slapped Daemon and glared at him with one raised finger, signifying that he only had one chance. The bunny reluctantly tugged at Fluttershy's tail, in an attempt to get her downstairs to an awaiting Daemon. When Fluttershy brushed him away, Angel got more aggressive and pulled on her mane, practically dragging her off the bed.
“Please Angel, I'm not in the mood to...”, Fluttershy trailed off, hearing the familiar sound of a guitar. As she walked out Daemon was sitting on a nearby post, playing yet another song. {Link 2} When she saw what was happening she turned her head away trying to hide her feelings, but he already saw. Daemons singing was great as always, but the lyrics were asking Fluttershy questions... caring questions... like 'why are you striving these days' and 'why are you trying to earn grace', but the question that really stood out was 'why are you crying'. After that, Daemon put his hoof on her chin and turned her head towards him and said “let me lift up your face... just don't turn away”, looking deep into her eyes affectionately {Link 3}. After that, he continued his performance with grace and emotion... singing of his love for Fluttershy.
After the song ended, Fluttershy seemed to be in the same depression that she was before the song.
“Okay, I give up... what's wrong? Didn't you like the song? I made it for you...”, Daemon said, trying to look Fluttershy in the face while she kept turning the other way.
“No, it's not that... the song was beautiful as always, but I can't accept it...”, the sad looking pegasus admitted.
“I don't understand. Why can't you accept it? Don't you feel the same way?”, Daemon asked, feeling a little shot down.
“Yes, but... and I know Desdemona is going to kill me for saying this... you were in love with another, and she... died. I wasn't supposed to let you know because you mi-”.
“So she told you about that huh? I didn't think you needed to know... that's why I didn't say anything...”, Daemon stated quietly, with a look of both sadness and slight embarrassment.
Fluttershy was stunned by his confession, “H...how long have you...”.
“Since the party... it was one of the first memories I got back, but that's the funny thing... I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel sad because I knew I had new friends, like Twilight, Pinkie, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash... and you.”. Fluttershy got a little closer to Daemon, but then hesitated.
“Wait, what about-”
“What are you two doing outside at this hour?”, a familiar voice interrupted.
“Desdemona!”, Fluttershy gasped, before hiding behind Daemon.
“I asked you a question. What are you doing out here?”, Desdemona asked again.
“Can't we enjoy the beauty of the night... or do we need your permission for that?”, Daemon answered, trying to change the subject.
“No...” Desdemona said walking inside, “...But don't think I believe you, because I don't.”. Fluttershy looked at Daemon for reassurance, but Daemon was waiting for Desdemona to close the door to her and Fluttershy's room before doing anything. When he heard the click of the door shutting he turned to the scared mare behind him.
“Don't worry about her. She doesn't know and even if she finds out... I will defend you to the death.”, Daemon said gently, giving a small but loving smile.
This caused Fluttershy to tear up again, but Daemon quickly intervened, “now don't you be crying on me again... I just got you to stop. If you don't knock it off I'll be forced to write another song!”, he said, giving her a playful nudge. Fluttershy giggled and walked inside, while Daemon continued to stand outside.
“What's wrong? Aren't you coming in?”, Fluttershy asked.
“I am in.”, Daemon said, still showing his gentle smile. Fluttershy looked down, and saw that his hoof was in the doorway... just like when they first met.
something irks me about this. The blurb you wrote just comes off as the OC mary sue formula.
Especially with that "memory loss" cliche. but since I'm not reading it I won't judge it bad or good. I will say your blurb is though.
I haven't read it yet, put it on my "to read", but I did have a chuckle at the title.
Shadowmare? HE is a shadowmare? You do know what a mare is, right?
The description does make it sound mary-sue(ish), though.
Indeed it does come off as a mary sue but every story needs time
That was the worst description for a story. Ever.
The description ALONE turns me off to the story, not even regarding how "Gary Stu" the protagonist seems, coupled along with a very tired premise cliche.
766801 Shadowmare a play on words... it's like "nightmare". And as for him being a mary sue, he has reasons he can't or doesn't use his full potential at any given time. Using stronger than average magic reveals his position to the ones hunting him, he is very rarely found flying (I will go over why in a future chapter), and if he uses his strength in a fight... well you know what happens.
767500 If the description turned you off the story, why did you read it? When I see something I think I'll hate, I don't go, "hey that looks horrible! I think I'll read it!"
767593
I was merely trying to point out that a Mare in the context of the show is an adult female. :P
768355 And I was trying to point out that you shouldn't take everything so litterally.
767623
Don't hate your story. Just wish more thought/effort went into it. Can't really dislike something until you try it. Tried it, didn't like it.
768370
And with that, I'm out.
Don't use terms from the show wrong if you're going to make a mediocre story. If you made a great story, sure, but a mediocre one doesn't get the same breaks.
And I'm being nice when I say mediocre.
That's not even saying anything about the 'tude.
768476 Well I'm sorry that my efforts to impress you were in vain. Next time I'll try to make something to satisfy your "sophisticated" palate.
768556
Sure!
768520 Sorry if I came off as pissed but I'm just so damn tired of hearing the same old shit every time I get a review. Your comment just happened to push the wrong buttons. I have nothing against you, just everyone who keeps telling me that my writing sucks when I've been putting all my time and effort into it. I'm just looking for one positive comment or review, just to know that what I make isn't just a load of useless crap that everybody hates...
768610
Your writing is good, don't get me wrong. Your writing is a lot better than some of the other people who I've read stories from. It might seem like something small to you, but a lot of stories I have started to read don't even capitalize. There is no punctuation sometimes, either. Maybe that will be something that the mods will eventually do something about, though I do doubt it. The reason why I've been as harsh as I have been is because of the good writing. If you've read my stories, you'd know that I lack the same writing ability.
Your writing is good, but you're likely to receive some hatred for the content. I also received hatred for my initial description for my first story, and I thought about it and changed it a few times until it felt better to me. I would suggest that you take a step back, try to get the creative juices flowing as to the description and maybe a premise for a second story. This one isn't horrible, but I know that I'm picking up more on how to write the fanfictions better with each passing story. I'm working on a fourth and fifth story, and I feel that they're more MLP than the first ones that I wrote.
It's a learning experience, that we're all taking part in.
768670 I never said that I made it to be like the show. I have actually been trying to make it more "Adult" than it normally would be just to make it more appealing to people like me. If I wanted to make a harmless cartoony story I would have, but I like to take things into an ever so slightly darker view. I also figured that to make it more intense I would need to make more powerful characters, rather than piss people off by making the cannon characters like Twilight gain enhanced abilities for some unknown reason. There is a reason to my chaos, but if people aren't willing to give me a chance, I don't see the point in going any further.
i have no idea what this gary stu thing is the everypony here seems to be describing the charactor as and i dont want to know.
this story is great or atleast to me it is. very unique as i havent read any story anything like it and im supprised at the dislikes
the only bad thing i noticed is how he calls him self a shadowmare..... maybe shadowcolt could work better seeing as hes a guy?
but ur story anyway
also because of u i now have 3 songs to add to me i pod
anyway im looking forward to future chapters
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3q0tcyLSk1rnarluo1_500.gif
edit: just read the previous comments and i see why u called him a shadowmare... so never mind about that
772882 Thank you! Finally I get some good feedback for once! Everywhere I've been it just been negative reviews and bitching. I was about to forget the writing thing and delete it all because of the crap I was hearing. However now that i see at least one person has something nice to say I'll continue... at least for now.
773939 id hate to see this story die it would just be a waste.
and to the ponys out there giving this a bad review i realy dont see y and theres only one thing i gotta say to you all.
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/4/25/dF2Eii53gU6QJakZzEyb-g2.jpg
(also WTF i just relised ive been typing with pony words without meaning to..... WHAT SORCERY IS THIS!)
that's all you got right now?
I want MoAR~
as for the "Shadowmare" thing that people are saying in the comments, I don't think you need to change that, especally since I keep thinking about the dark horse from Skyrim: Shadowmare, since I see it as a Name and not a definition of Gender.
As for the "Mary sue" stuff (I had to wiki it), I don't really see it too much, other than how quickly he recovered from depression in this chapter. I mean you have given him some flaws like his ever changing IQ (which is funny at times but can be confusing to how smart he really is), he lack of cooking skills, and what I find the most important in terms of plot device is his genetic flaw of being a heartless fighter. his genetic flaw can make the story really interesting if played right, like he is dealing with it but it doesn't mean the problem is gone..especially since Discord is still free at the moment
oh and be careful of word choose since I've seen a few words that isn't the right word you wanted to put down, Like you had put down "through" when you meant "Threw"
so that's what I've got to say about your story and keep up the good work