Hey there, I'm Jon. My life was dull, until I learnt to dream and awoke in a field as a pony.
Hey there, my name is Jon. I know, boring name, huh? But it reflects my boring life. I decided to spice things up one day by learning how to dream, ultimately hoping for lucidity. I got something way better though, when I woke up in a bright green field and realized I was a pony. Now my life is far from boring, as I attempt to find my place in this awesome duality.
EDIT: I have gone over this story and fixed all the rookie mistakes I made when I wrote it last year. Give it another read if you liked the story! There's more good stuff in there now, and feel free to point out everything I missed in the comments.
“They say that dreams are only real as long as they last. Couldn't you say the same thing about life?” Waking Life (2001)
Hey there. My name's Jon, and I don’t have dreams. Not in the sense that I don’t have any goals or ambitions (though I don’t really, thanks to indifferent parents, a lifetime of underachieving and good ol’ Mary Jane), I mean that when I sleep I never seem to have any dreams. This really sucks butt, considering how mind-numbingly boring my day-to-day life is.
So one day I decided that I was going to start dreaming, with an ultimate goal of learning to lucid dream (HA! There, I do have goals, they are just really pointless...) I started doing research online and found a few techniques to help me out. I even bought a wrist watch so I could train myself to check the time often enough for it to become a subconscious exercise. I read online that if you can train yourself to check the time subconsciously, you'll do it in a dream and the numbers will be all fucked up. You realize you're dream, and go from there. Simple stuff, right?
Well, not that simple.
It happened slowly, but before I got bored and gave up, I was able to get myself to start dreaming almost every night; recording each dream in my new journal (another helpful tip: writing down dreams tells your brain they are important enough not to forget each morning.) They went from abstract randomness to increasingly intricate scenes, and I loved every second of it. I knew lucidity was within my reach.
I had a few near misses where I would actually realize I was in a dream, then wake up right after. It was annoying as hell, to be so close to my goal (no matter how pointless it was) but unable to reach it. Trying to alter my surroundings also proved to be difficult, causing me to wake and start the dreaming process all over. What use is dreaming if I can't fly on command by flapping my arms really fast?
Then it happened, after all my misplaced effort. The dream I had been working towards. THE dream.
It was an uneventful Friday night; my roommate was out and I was home alone (I swear I’m not a hermit or anything, it was just a night in for me. I SWEAR DAMMIT) I was going through my mental exercises, recalling the dreams I had last night (I was fighting a bunch of zebras with a crossbow, but a giant Furby shot a laser at me and I woke up) when I noticed my face was rough with stubble and made a mental note to shave tomorrow. I rolled onto my side... and heard birds singing.
Now, I live in the city next to a road that leads to a nearby expressway, so the only sounds I hear at night are trucks driving to the on ramp and the occasional gunshot, so something was clearly up. I also noticed that the itchy stubble feeling was not coming from my face, but from my sheets. I could feel it wherever I was in contact with them.
“Something seems off here…” I grumbled aloud to myself (a bad habit of mine.) I opened an eye, and instead of my brown, cotton sheets I saw bright green grass. I opened my other eye, lifting my head to look around.
I was lying in a peaceful meadow, the sun just rising. I could see trees along the edges where the birds were blissfully singing away. I could hear what sounded like a small stream in the distance.
“I… don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.” I said out loud, again. Thanks to my training, I instinctively brought my arm up to my face to check my wrist watch, only to find that not only did I not have the watch, I didn’t really have a wrist, either. I had a hoof.
“Holy fucking shitballs!” I exclaimed. Over-use of swear words is another problem of mine. I can turn it off when I have to, like at work or family gatherings, but when I don’t, I’m a regular fucking sailor. Of course, I doubt a priest would keep a poliet tongue if he woke up as a horse like apparently had.
I tried to scramble to my feet- well, hooves- but fell back onto the cool grass. I was a little unsteady on my new limbs and my mind was racing. “WHOA!” I cried out (hehe, horse humour) as I attempted to get myself under control before I woke myself up. I could barely contain my excitement. I was a horse, and if that meant what I hoped it meant, then I was about to have quite an experience, one I really didn’t want to ruin by waking up.
“Okay,” I said, lying still on the grass, trying to slow my breathing, “I am dreaming and that is okay. It’s good, I’m good, I’m fine. Fuck.” I felt myself calming, and caught my breath. Easy-peasy. I checked out my new digs, starting with my recently discovered hooves.
I lifted my front left hoof to my face, admiring my dark red coat. “Well,” I said, inspecting the hard underside,”That’s interesting.” I turned to see the rest of me, catching sight of my dark brown mane and tail, long and unkempt, as if I had been, well, sleeping on the ground outside. My eyes drifted to my flank, where I noticed a marking on the fur.
It was a black circle with a white crescent on the right and 3 white stars in the middle. This confirmed my excited predictions.
“Yes!” I shouted to the empty meadow, “I’m not a horse, I’m a goddamn PONY!”
I should probably point out that I am a brony. I’ve watched every episode, posted original images online and read several awesome fanfics (Lyra is best pony/human!) Though some of my friends knew (including my roommate, Dan), I was hardly open about it. None of my friends were bronies, so I couldn’t make any of the jokes or recommend any pony-related stuff to them. Really a bummer, but I was used to it. Love and tolerate and junk.
Anyway, this was the reason I almost accidentally woke up from the best dream I’ve had to date (even better than when I got revenge on that giant Furby.) I tried to distract myself from the overwhelming awesomeness I found myself in the middle of by thinking about my cutie mark. The moon and stars probably had something to do with dreaming, but what good does that do me in a dream? And considering how I can’t impart my will onto my dreams without waking up, I wouldn’t even say I’m that good at it. In fact, I wasn’t really amazing at anything. I had wondered before what my cutie mark would be if I somehow ended up in the situation I currently found myself in, but now that I was here, I still had no solid answer.
“Fuck it, I’ll figure it out later, let’s give walking another try” I said to myself and the empty field as I slowly placed my front hooves flat on the cool grass. “Okay, halfway there, now for the bastards in the rear.” I put weight on my front legs, making sure they stayed planted on the ground, as I positioned my back legs under my body and slowly stood. “Ha! Achievement Unlocked: Stand your ass up!” I laughed, taking the time to look at the rest of myself.
I was tall and lanky, just like I am when I’m awake. I kind of looked like one of the Flim Flam Brothers, minus the goofy mustache and bacon hair. I set my eyes on the edge of the meadow and took a tentative step, kicking the back of my front leg in the process.
“Fuck!” I spat, “You have four legs, you mouth-breathing fool.” I blinked, then I chuckled to myself, “hee, I mean foal” Oh I was going to enjoy using all the pony slang that got me weird looks at home. I ran off a few more to get the feel of it, “Everypony” I giggled, “blank-flank” Oh, that felt good, “CELESTIA DAMN IT” kill me now, for I have lived. I bumped into a tree, realizing I had been walking towards it the whole time. “How convenient…” I noted. Guess walking isn’t all that different; just try not to think about it. “Kind of a cop out if you ask me” I remarked, then realized that no one had.
“Cool, I can walk… but can I run?” I took off immediately, without thinking, just running. I sprinted to the other edge of the meadow, clearing the…clearing with surprising speed and coordination. I stopped at the opposing tree line. “Wow... huff... 10… huff huff… seconds flat… huff… fuck.” I panted, dropping to the ground.
It took a moment (or four) to catch my breath, taking in the realism of my dreamscape. While everything around me was cartoony in appearance, it was all there. I could still hear the birds and the stream, I could feel the cool breeze, nice on my slightly (just slightly!) sweaty body. The sun even looked a little higher than when I awoke. This was some dream. “This is some dream” I said aloud. “I wonder if I’m near Ponyville, or if there even is one here. Maybe there are other ponies! And pegasi and unicorns and…”
Wait, pegasi and unicorns. I looked at my wingless back, then felt my forehead, finding no protrusion. “Well just my shitty fucking luck!” I yelled at my forehead. “I can’t fly OR do magic! Way to go subconscious, I’m in a dream and I can’t even do the cool pony stuff.”
But wait, I was in a dream. MY dream. I should be able to grow wings or a horn if I really wanted to. “No!” I cried, “I can’t risk waking up, not until I find someone at least, I mean, somepony.” Hmmm, that was going to take some getting used to. “But, where is everypony? Where the fuck am I?”
I looked around once again, not recognizing the meadow from the show. I noticed some dark trees off in the distance, maybe a forest? “Could it be…the Everfree Forest?” I asked nopony. Sure looked dark enough to be. “Meh, what the fuck, if it is, that means Ponyville is nearby. It would also mean there’s monsters and shit, but we’ll cross that bridge later.” I said, already making for the foreboding trees at a brisk trot.
About halfway to the forest, I found a small path that lead me the rest of the way. When I finally reached the entrance, all doubt that this was the dreaded Everfree Forest had vanished. Despite the rising sun, the interior disappeared into hazy blackness only a few feet in. Cold gusts of wind puffed out, as if it was breathing. There were no birds singing here. “Fuck this shit, I’d rather stick my dick in a blender than go in there.” I decided. That's when I heard a low gurgling, coming from a nearby bush.
I froze in place and was silent (for once). The noise stopped, then started up again. I stood firm, while in my head, the word run repeated itself over and over, set to the tune of the 2112 overture, for some reason. If my brain was a car, I think it would be a canoe.
When the horrible abomination a few yards away from me continued gurgling and didn’t jump out and claw-rape me, I regained some courage. I stepped closer, arming myself by picking up a flimsy stick with my mouth. I moved closer and closer, until I was standing in front of the gurgle bush monster. Come on flimsy stick, don’t fail me now. I used a hoof to pull back the branches, raising my wooden death stick.
A purple earth pony was passed out in a puddle of what I could only assume was her own puke, snoring into it and making puke-bubbles. “Aww, fucking nasty, man.” I said, backing away from the putrid scene. The puke-covered pony groaned loudly in response. I know that feel, bro I thought, no stranger to hangovers. I put down my stick and decided to help the binge drinking pony out. Her barf is almost as purple as she is I thought.
“Hey, you okay down there?” I asked, noting that this was not how I imagined my first meeting with a pony would go. She mumbled something in drunk-speak that I didn’t understand (being sober) and I spotted her cutie mark; grapes and a strawberry. It only took me a moment to place the marking, being the huge nerd that I am. Damn, this is going to be harder than I thought.
Berry Punch rolled over, smearing puke on the parts of her she had somehow missed during the night. “WAKE UP, CELESTIA DAMMIT!” I shouted with a grin.
“Mmmmm, not so loud, it hurts to hear things.” She replied without opening her eyes.
“Okay, I’ll leave you to your puke pillow. I hope nothing comes out of the Everfree Forest and eats you.” I turned to leave, counting in my head…3…2…
”THE EVERFREE FOREST?!” Berry leapt to her feet –hooves, dammit I’m trying- faster than a fat guy finishes lunch, running unsteadily for thirty feet before falling, then crawling several feet further.
I trotted up alongside the struggling lush “So, are you okay?” I asked again.
“I will be once I get away from that forest…and get the barf off my face…and shower.” She said, wiping the chunkier bits from her hair. “I am so sorry you had to see me like this”
The dream Berry blushed, deeply embarrassed. She may not have been real, but I felt for her, “Hey no worries, it happens to the best of us.” I smiled. I was talking to a pony! Not just any pony, Berry Fucking Punch! One of my favourite background fan characters. Maybe all that dream stuff wasn't such a waste? (And that would be me kidding myself...)
“Please don’t tell my little sister!” Berry Punch was on the verge of tears now. I felt so bad for her. We’ve all been there, you’re having a great time at a party, but then you go one drink too far, which becomes two drinks too far, then three, and before you know it, you’re passed out in front of a forest full of terrifying monstrosities in a pile of your own puke.
Okay, maybe we haven’t all been there.
I laid a reassuring hoof on her shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. I won’t tell anyon- anypony. Especially your... sister.” I smiled broadly, trying to recall who that even was.
Berry smiled back at me. “Thanks, buddy. I said I wouldn’t drink too much, but it was Bon-Bon’s birthday and we were having so much fun, then Carrot Top pulled out the schnapps, and- oh I’m rambling, sorry.” She blushed again, wiping out the last of the larger remnants of whatever she had for dinner last night. “I’m Berry Punch!” She said holding out a hoof. I took it in one of mine (somehow, I still have no clue how it fucking works) and shook in a way I hoped was normal.
“Pleased to meet you Berry Punch!” I said. We stopped shaking and she stared at me expectantly.
I just want to say that I am not a social retard. I can make friends, good friends... it just takes a little while for me to pick up on really obvious things in conversation. As she stared at me I realized what she was waiting for, she had no clue who I was. I also realized I didn’t have a name (besides my human name, and that just wouldn’t do) or a back story. I quickly began searching for pony names that would be appropriate as her expression became increasingly concerned, as is to be expected when the person, or pony, you’ve been talking to hasn’t said anything in over a minute. See? Totally not a social retard.
“So…I haven’t seen you in town before…” She said nervously. Oh Celestia, she’s waiting for something, anything, just force air out your mouth and make sounds.
“Yes, I mean, no, I mean, I’m not from around here” Smooth, now a name…
I got nothing. Fucking canoes.
“I see…” Maybe she was starting to get suspicious of the random stranger she met by the haunted, monster-filled, Hell-forest because I swear she was mentally preparing to bolt should I try to eat her mortal soul or something. “And, what’s your name?”
The million dollar question. “I’m…uhh” the only answer my brain was giving me was “Macgyver.” Sometimes, I think my brain fucks with me for fun. Luckily, and I use the term lightly, a loud roar from the forest ended our increasingly awkward dialogue. We both snapped our eyes in the direction it came from in time to see a big, bear-like rabbit emerge from the trees. It had razor sharp buck-teeth and a giant pair of antlers.
“JACKALOPE!” Berry cried, falling to the ground and covering her eyes. The Jackalope roared again and began to charge towards us.
“Shit.” I said in a calm monotone, staring stupidly at the deer-rabbit-bear-thing. It was like my mind was moving in slow-motion, still not sure exactly how afraid I should be. I was dreaming after all. It wasn't real, so it couldn't hurt me... right?
On the ground, Berry started muttering between her sobs, “I-I’m so sorry, Pina, you were right. I’m sorry…” and that settled it. Also, Berry's sister's name is Pina. Not much of a shocker there.
I planted my hooves in the ground and watched the rampaging Jackalope approach, still not quite sure what I would do once it got to us. What would Applejack do? my brain asked me. Sometimes my brain is a cool guy, when he’s not being a fucking moron.
A sly smirk crossed my face just as the Jackalope lunged at me. In an instant, I pivoted on my front hooves, swinging out the back two and kicking as hard as I could, connecting right between that bunny-bastards eyes. It reared back and stood unsteadily on it’s hind legs. I could almost see the stars around it’s head.
Behind me, Berry opened her eyes and looked up at the stunned creature, awe was clearly written all over her face. I looked back at her, smiling triumphantly. “Ha! Was there ever any doubt?” I said, doing my best Trixie impression and pretending to blow dust off my hoof.
Then it fucking fell on me.
I woke up in my bed to the sound of trucks passing by outside. I looked down at my hands.
“Dreams, if they’re any good, are always a little bit crazy.”-Ray Charles
Once I stopped cursing, I began writing down everything that had happened in the dream, mentally kicking myself for waking up. It was the first sign of progress in a long time, and more importantly, I had been a pony, and now that was gone.
“I can’t believe I let that glorified rabbit fall on me! Just when I was being all super-hero and shit.”
I finished writing up my epic dream (cursing rabbits, deer and bears profusely) then closed my eyes and attempted to re-enter the awesome dream. I tried for several hours, but to my dismay, I could not recapture the epic pony-ness I had briefly experienced. Oh well I thought, too tired to say it out loud, it was fun while it lasted. I only wish I had been able to meet one of the mane six...
It wasn't long before I fell asleep, having no dreams for the first time in many weeks.
I woke up around noon the next day, still mad about being crushed by the Jackalope. I went down to my kitchen for some breakfast (is it still breakfast if it’s after noon? Meh, fuck it) to find my roommate Dan doing the same.
“What’s the word, turd?” He asked as I stepped in, not looking up from the mangled omelette he was wolfing down. Dan is very much into MMA, and a skilled kick-boxer. This meant he ate a lot of protein, and why his 'omelette' looked to be made of at least 10 eggs. He could punch through a wall, but cooking was something he never could master.
“Nothing much dick-face, besides the fact that I had a lucid dream last night.” I said proudly. He stopped eating and looked up at me.
“Are you still going on about that dream shit?” He shook his head, “What the fuck is a lucid dream anyway?”
The exchange may seem a bit... crude, but that's just how we got along. My insults meant nothing to Dan, since there was no question who would win any fight that didn't involve words. As usual, I ignored his failure to comprehend and explained my dream, making sure to leave out any pony-related stuff (I do this often with Dan and other non-brony friends.)
“So... you wake up in this field, find a passed out drunk chick, then fight a rabbit with antlers?” He asked once I had finished my pony-free recap.
“It was a Jackalope, and it was more like a bear than a rabbit, but yes.” I replied.
Dan considered this for a moment, making a face that almost made it look like he was thinking, “What’s so great about that? I fight stuff all the time in my dreams and I don’t waste all my life ‘researching’ like you do.” He said, missing the entire point.
“I was aware I was dreaming, ass-hole! I was making conscious decisions!”
He shook his head, finishing his meal. “Whatever man, sounds like you need to get out more. Come to The Fox with us tonight, have a few beers, maybe meet some real drunk chicks. Ones with, you know, low standards.”
I sighed. We’ve had similar conversations before, and since I didn’t have any excuses not to go, I knew it would be easier if I just agreed to go have a few pints. See! I’m not a hermit. Maybe and alcoholic though...
“Great, be there at 8. And try not to dress like a nerd.” Dan said, standing up.
“Only if you try not to dress like a douchebag.”
“Bite me.” He said as he left.
“Funny, that’s what you mom always asks me to do.” He flipped me the bird from the other room. Pretty routine conversation ender.
As the day went on, I couldn’t help but think about the dream, mostly with regret. I thought about my short conversation with Berry Punch, trying to think up a back story after it was too late to do anything about it.
I should have told her I was lost, or that I had amnesia! No, then there’s the question of my worried family and she would probably try to help me get home. I thought about it all day, still unable to come up with a cool pony name for myself. Before I knew it, dinner time rolled around and I got ready to head over to The Fox.
It was busy, as per usual on a Saturday night. I found Dan and few of his other friends in a booth at the back. They were alright, as far as douchey weightlifters go. They had started drinking without me, Dan himself appeared to be on his 5th beer and well on his way to becoming a drunken idiot. “Jon! Get your ass a beer and have a seat!” He shouted. I did, wondering how I’d be able to sit if my ass had a beer.
He put his arm around me as I sat, leaning in close so I could smell the tequila on his breath. “Hey guy, you shuld talk to that girl at the b…bar there.” He slurred, pointing towards the bar area (and the floor/ceiling/waiter) A thin blonde woman was sitting there alone, playing on her phone. She was cute, which meant she was out of my league.
“What? I just got here and you’re already trying to embarrass me.” I said, talking a large sip of beer. It was going to be one of those nights; where Dan tries to set me up. Fucking great.
“Do it. Trusht me. Just…don’t talk about jackanapes.” He said, all but shoving me out of the booth, to the amusement of the rest of the table.
Let’s just get this over with I thought, drinking as much as I could as I crossed the short distance. She was sitting at the bar, sipping on a pina colada. I thought of Berry Punch and her sister who I never got to meet, then pushed them out of my head. Got to be an adult here, may as well try to get turned down with dignity.
Steeling myself, I sat down on the empty stool beside her. “Umm... hey there…” I said, my neck suddenly very itchy. I hate trying to start conversation, not just with women, but with anyone, even over the phone.
She looked at me and smiled a little, “Hi... umm... do I know you?” Wow, off to a great start here.
“Umm no, I was just…at that table over there and I thought I’d come say…hey there.” I managed to reply while images of a certain socially awkward penguin danced (badly) in my head.
“Oh.” She replied, “I’m Sandra.” She held out a hand and I shook it. Sandra, she had really nice eyes! Kinda of a mix between green and brown, hazel, I think that's called. She was looking right at me... waiting for something...
And then I realized it was the second time in 24 hours I had failed to introduce myself. I apologized awkwardly and gave my boring human name. We sat in silence a few seconds, then both took a drink.
I'm... I'm the worst player ever. Stupid Dan....
The silence was suddenly broken when Sandra's phone went off. “Oh, that's me. Do you mind if I take this? Could be work related.”
“Of course not.” I said, getting ready to leave when it turned out to be an important call or something. What can I say, I’m Mr. Optimism.
Sandra pulled her iphone out of her purse and my eyes widened. I looked back at Dan, he was staring at me with his drink raised, mouthing the words you’re welcome. Her phone had a cyan blue case with a cloud and a red, blue and yellow lightning bolt. Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark. She was a pegasister.
Dear lord, they do exist.
To my further surprise, she placed the phone back into her purse after reading the message. “Sorry about that.” She said looking back at me.
“Oh…no worries…” I said, carefully choosing my next words, “Say, I couldn’t help but notice your… phone case.” I began, taking the opportunity to actually talk about something.
She smiled slowly, raising a fist and extending it my way. “…Brohoof?” I couldn’t help but smile as I returned the ponified fist bump. Not only had I met another fan of My Little Pony, I had met one who had a vagina! (And was legal, you pervert)
We spent the next little while talking about our favorite parts of the show, reciting quotes and laughing like idiots over drinks. All the initial awkwardness was gone, so I was able to build up enough courage to ask about her. I learned she was a graphic design student with an arts background. She asked about me, so I told her about my low-level production job and eventually brought up my obsessions with dreams.
“Wow, so you are actually trying to learn to lucid dream?” She asked. We had been drinking the whole time and I was totally at ease, but I decided not to tell her the details about the pony dream. She may have been a fan, but she was also a female, I wasn’t sure how she would react.
Instead I said “Yes, I’m very close too, but I usually wake up as soon as I realize I’m dreaming.”
Sandra thought about that for a moment and replied “That’s pretty cool.” I think I’m in love. “But aren’t you afraid you’ll lose contact with real life in the dream?” Good question, she’s a pretty smart cookie (or she’s seen Inception too many times) To be honest, I have thought about that, but considering how uneventful my life is, I was never really concerned.
That wasn’t the answer I gave though, “Well, dreams are a part of life. They’re your subconscious’ take on what you experience when awake.”
“But if you can control the dreams, doesn’t that defeat the purpose?” She retorted. I tried to think of a good answer, then realized I was too drunk to be having this sort of conversation.
“I am too drunk to be having this sort of conversation.” I said. We both laughed in agreement.
“You’re lucky I’m drunk too.” She said, digging into her purse once again.
“Oh? And why is that?” I asked hopefully. Could it be? Am I about to pick up a chick from a bar?
Well, no, but the next best thing. “Because I usually don’t give out my number to guys I just met.” She said, handing me a piece of paper with 10 glorious numbers written on it.
I stared at the paper in awe for a second before attempting to regain my (mostly imagined) cool, “Sure, blame the alcohol, not my smooth moves.” I said with a grin.
“You keep telling yourself that.” Sandra replied, standing up to leave, “Sorry to dash (oooooh I see what you did there) but I should probably pay for this drink and go.”
I decided to continue being Mr. Smooth and offered to pay for her. My job may be boring as hell, but it covers the tab.
“Wow, what a gentlecolt.” She smiled again as I grinned like an idiot. “Thanks for the night cap, call me maybe?” We laughed and said our goodbyes, then she left.
With a sligh sping in my step, I returned to my table as a round of applause broke out. “Ah dew you two jew it!” Dan said eloquently.
“This rounds on me” I beamed, causing another round of applause.
I got home drunk and dropped onto my bed.
I thought about Sandra and how awesome the night had turned out. Then my thoughts returned to last night’s dream, angry again at my carelessness that ended it. I thought about Berry and her monstrous hangover, imagining Dan in a similar situation tomorrow and chuckling aloud to myself a little.
“Hey, I think he’s waking up!” I heard a familiar voice say.
“The interpretation of dreams is the royal road to a knowledge of the unconscious activities of the mind.” Sigmund Freud
My eyes shot open, but all I saw was a bright, colourful blur. Was I still drunk? I clamped my eyes closed. Being drunk usually doesn’t hurt this bad. I tried to move, gasping out in sudden pain.
"Take it easy, buddy!” the voice said. I forced my eyes open and focused on the approaching purple blur. “Thank Celestia, he’s okay!” it said. My vision cleared enough for me to identify the blur as Berry Punch.
“Holy fucking shitballs!” I cried a second time, sitting up and sending a flash of pain down my side. “Fuck!” I shouted, unable to catch the swear, and in too much pain to really give a shit.
Berry backed away a little, confused by the foreign words, as I tried to bring myself under control.
Somehow, I was back!
And maybe I could stay long this time, as long as I kept calm and nothing huge fell on me.
“Twilight, Fluttershy, get in here, he’s awake!” Berry said, just as I was almost stable.
I looked at my dark red hooves, trying not to think about the two ponies that would be entering the room any second. Cool it, man! I know this is fucking awesome and all, but you’re going to have to do some quick thinking, so CHILL! Brain was right; I tried to think of what I was going to say as Berry stared at me worriedly.
Then, they walked in and I had to stifle an excited squeal (sometimes, my manliness amazes even me).
“Oh, I’m so relieved!” Fluttershy said as she gently floated to my bedside and I gawked at her wings like an idiot, bitter all over again for not having any myself, “I just knew you’d pull through! How are you feeling?” she asked with genuine concern.
I continued gawking, my eyes shifting between the one yellow and two purple ponies around me, then checking my back and forehead for good measure. They’re waiting… Brain reminded me. “Oh! Umm… I’m okay, I guess… my sides hurt thought.” I stammered, still overwhelmed.
“You should consider yourself lucky there was no permanent damage.” Twilight said, eyeing me up and down warily, “What in Celestia's name were you thinking, attacking a full grown Jackalope like that?”
I don’t think she likes me very much.
“Relax Twi, I already told you, he saved my life!” Berry shot back, still shaken from the whole experience.
Twilight looked away and Berry turned back to me, “Thank you so much by the way! I was so worried about you; I ran and got help as fast as I could! You are my hero, Mr… umm what did you say your name was?” Everybody –I mean pony, damn I gotta get used to this all over- leaned in close.
Okay Jon, I thought, you didn’t watch all that Whose Line for nothing.
“Actually, I don’t think I got the chance.” I improvised. I had the perfect name, and Sandra to thank for it. “My name is Night Cap, though my friends call me Cap.” I smiled, then winched as I found it somehow hurt even to do that.
“Thank you, Cap!” Berry said, locking me in the most painful hug I’ve ever had. I prayed I wouldn’t wake up from shock as I fought back tears.
“No…p..problem…” I managed between gasps (SO MANLY.)
Mercifully, she let go, “These are my friends from town, Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle.”
I nodded, pretending I hadn’t known who they were for the last 2 years. “Nice to meet you both!” I grinned sincerely. Meeting Berry Punch was awesome, but meeting part of the mane six was fucking awesome! At least it would have been if Twilight wasn’t all twenty questions.
“So where are you from ‘Night Cap’? And why were you wandering around the Everfree Forest alone?” Twilight demanded.
“Please, Twilight, he’s hurt! And he saved Berry’s life!” Fluttershy said quietly. Twilight shot her a look, “I mean, if you wouldn’t mind…” she whispered.
I quickly diffused the situation, “It’s okay, Fluttershy, (Eeeeee I just addressed Fluttershy!!!) I know how it looks.” I had a lot of back-story to come up with, but luckily I’m a pretty good liar. Not that I enjoy lying to people (or ponies) but like I said, I watch a lot of Whose Line Is It Anyway.
“I was on my way to Ponyville from…Manehattan (pulled that one right out of my ass, hope I don’t regret it) I must be terrible at reading maps, though, because I found a big, dark forest where I thought Ponyville would be.” They were all listening intently, even Twilight. Colin Mochrie would have been proud.
I continued the story, completely making it up as I went. “I sat down to consult my map... and just as I realized I was sitting outside the dreaded Everfree Forest, something attacked me from behind and I passed out, waking up in a field shortly before finding Berry.” They say the best lies are based on some truth, and I could tell it was working. Now a little sympathy and I should be home-free. I rubbed my face with a hoof. “Whatever it was, it took everything I had.” I said with a heavy sigh, “My bits, my saddle-bags, everything.” I paused for effect, letting it sink in.
It worked like a fucking charm.
“Oh, you poor thing!” Fluttershy was almost crying. She ran up and gave me the second most painful hug I’ve ever had. Berry was also moved by my (imaginary) plight.
“See Twilight? I told you he was a hero!”
Unfortunately, the unicorn seemed less convinced. “If he’s from Manehattan, why doesn’t he have an accent?” Damn, another bright lady I thought as the others turned to me for an explanation.
I almost panicked, but quickly came up with an answer. “I wasn’t born there. My parents and I moved in when I was a... when I was young (I couldn’t bring myself to say 'colt' out of fear I’d start giggling like a maniac) I made sure never to pick up that shi- that awful accent.”
I could tell she still wasn’t convinced, but Berry saved me from further interrogation. “Wow, well, thanks again for helping me, Cap. I’m so sorry you lost all your stuff... Do you need a place to stay in town?” I stopped sweating and breathed a silent sigh of relief.
“I suppose I do, at least until I can make a few bits.” May as well plan ahead, I could be staying for awhile (hopefully!)
“I have a spare room! You can stay with me and Pina!” She said excitedly.
Fluttershy clapped her hooves toghether, “Oh, that’s perfect! I feel safer already having a hero in town!” she said, causing me to blush. I’m really not used to this kind of attention. Good thing I was done lying for now, I could feel my awkwardness levels rising and it was only a matter of time until I did or said something stupid.
“Well, sounds like you girls have everything under control.” Twilight said with a distinct note of sarcasm, “Guess I’ll be going.” Her horn lit up and the door swung open (MAGIC! I’M SO JEALOUS!)
“Say hi to Spike for me!” I blurted.
Twilight stopped in her tracks, her magic aura disappearing. I instantly realized the stupidity of what I just said.
“How do you know Spike?” She asked, turning around and glaring at me.
“Oh….umm, well” Shit shit shit shit. There was no way I could tell the truth, they would think I’m nuts! But how else would I know? Wait, of course!
“I do read the newspaper, Ms. Sparkle. Didn’t he go on a disastrous rampage through the town or something?”
Twilight scrunched up her face like she'd bitten into a lime, “Well, yes…but I didn’t… It wasn't my...” She stammered looking for a reply. Sorry Twi, but I got your number! She turned and stormed out with a huff.
Despite my victory, I felt bad playing her like I had, and it must have shown.
“Don’t worry, Cap.” Fluttershy said, closing the door gently. “She’s been a teensy bit suspicious of strangers ever since the wedding.”
Well, that made perfect sense. Twilight was suspicious because she thought I could be a Changeling in disguise, not a human dreaming.
...But, I was dreaming! I had almost forgotten again, everything was so realistic (even the talking ponies seemed real). Still, as long as I was here, it would be a good idea to make a good impression, if not for my own sake, than for my species. I promised myself I’d make it up to Twilight later, assuming I could.
“So Cap! What are you going to do now?” Berry asked. I refocused on the present and though for a moment. Then my stomach growled almost as loud as the charging jackalope.
Berry giggled and Fluttershy blushed a bit. “Well, assuming I can stand, some food would be fucki- I mean, food would be great!” I said, catching the swear this time. Good impressions!
Berry finished laughing and said “I know a great place in town! I can even show you around before I have to pick up Pina from school!”
My gut answered for me by growling again. “Sounds like a plan! Care to join us Fluttershy?” She looked down and pawed the ground with a hoof (hoofed the ground? Man, I have a lot of local dialect to pick up)
“Thanks for the offer Cap, but I have to tend to the animals. I fell behind a little when I was looking after you…” her adorableness was infectious! I suddenly felt horrible for getting crushed an taking up her precious time.
“Thanks for that, by the way!” I grinned, slowly hoisting myself off Fluttershy's sofa and easing myself to my hooves. I could tell my ribs were bruised, but luckily nothing was broken. Well, nothing but my pride.
I stood shakily, and smiled at the two mares. “Piece of…err…cake.” My head felt like a balloon ready to burst and make a big mess of blood-splattered grey matter. Oh, the rewards of being a hero.
“Ha, we’re not at Sugarcube Corner yet!” Berry laughed. My eyes lit up and my pain all but vanished. I knew where we were going, and who I was likely about to meet. This dream was about to get very interesting.
My stomach growled with renewed vigor, reminding me of my hunger (I wonder if I can starve here? Probably best not to find out.) “Let’s go before I pass out!” I smirked. We said our goodbyes to Fluttershy and I took my first steps into Ponyville.
Like every fanfiction I've ever read, the sun was high in a bright blue sky and a cool breeze was breezing. I could hear various animals from around the house as Berry and I crossed the small bridge in front of the cottage and headed for town. I was once again swept away at the intricate details of the dream. I instinctively checked my watch, remembering that I didn't have one and wondered if it would even work here. Usually, when you check a clock in a dream, the numbers are inconsistent or unreadable, but time was definitely flowing at a normal rate, and everything was so real. Maybe time actually flows normally here.
That would mean this dream really is else. A whole nother animal.
“So, you’re like a space cadet, huh?” Berry said. Once again, I had drifted off into my own little world (heh, I must be pretty good at that) and I was completely ignoring her.
“Oh! I’m sorry, Berry, I was lost in thought there.” I smiled and gave her my full attention.
“No problem! I just wanted to ask you about that word you used back there.” She said, waving a hoof in the general direction of the cottage.
“Hmm? What word?” I said before I could think.
“I think it was ‘fuck’?”
Oh sweet Celestia, what have I done. I was laughing my ass off on the inside at the incongruity of a pony swearing, but then the innocence-destroying reality set in and I knew I had to nip this in the bud.
“Oh, that word... listen Berry, I’m sorry I ever said that. Where I come from, that’s an inappropriate word. I have a bad habit of using it a little too often, but you really shouldn’t say it out loud. You understand?”
Her face said she didn’t, but she nodded anyway. “Sure thing, Cap.” We walked in silence a little. “What about that other one..’shit’?”
I failed to contain the laugh this time and giggled a little. This must be what Discord feels like when he's fucking with these innocent little horses. “Also bad. Please don’t say them to anyone else, okay?” I was trying to sounds serious, but that's hard to do where you're grinning like an idiot.
We soon came up on what looked like apple trees fenced off to the side of the dirt road. My pulse quickened as I asked, already knowing the answer, “Is this... Sweet Apple Acres?” I was looking around in the trees for a glimpse of orange.
“Yeah! You’ve heard of it in Manehattan?” Berry asked back, making things very easy for me.
“Of course! Best apples in Equestria! I’d love to try some!” I said, my stomach agreeing.
“Well, Applejack is usually in town around this time, you can get some from her cart!” Berry said cheerfully.
I hopped with joy, stopping after my ribs told me to cut that shit out. If I get to meet all the mane six ponies today, i think my heart might explode.
It would be entirely worth it.
We entered the town proper shortly after. It was mid-afternoon (or so I assumed, no watch and all) and my jaw dropped at the number of ponies around. There were dozens of them, all going about their daily business, all acting independently or interacting with one another. I took it all in, trying to pick out ponies I knew.
Right away, I spotted Bon Bon; she was alone, buying potatoes from Carrot Top. Lyra was eating a sandwich sitting in her trademarked human pose. I even saw Derpy fly over head with her mailbag (grrrr... flying. I'm not bitter....) I was in PONYVILLE!! And it was alive and vibrant. I couldn’t help but gawk like some dumb yokel.
“Is our small town amusing to you, Mr. Big City?” Berry teased, pulling me from my thoughts yet again.
“Amusing, yes, but not in the way you’d think. I’ve lived in a city pretty much my whole life, it’s great to be reminded how... unnatural it is. This place just seems so much friendlier and open.” I was barely lying now.
With a slight shrug, Berry smiled back, “Relax, I meant nothing by it. Come on, I think I see Applejack.” She trotted off to a small cart loaded with apples, and an orange, hat-wearing pony behind it.
I galloped after her, my heart beating a mile a minute. Applejack is my favorite pony. She is BEST PONY. And here I was, about to meet her. Best. Dream. EVER! I overtook Berry less than halfway there and raced up to the chart.
Applejack turned to look at me, caught off guard by my speedy approach. “Well, hey there sugarcube... uhhh... Where’s the fire?” She smiled while I took a moment to do some more gawking.
Ha! Classic Applejack! Wait, I’m being awkward again, laugh before it’s too late. I laughed (a little too loud and a little too late) as Berry finally caught up. Have I mentioned that I am not socially retarded?
“No fair! I can’t... huff... compete with those... huff... long legs of yours!” She panted.
“Howdy Berry Punch! This here ah friends ah yours?” AJ asked. Ha! Classic Applejack! STOP IT! Introduction time.
“This is Night Cap! He's the one who saved my life yesterday!” Berry said after catching her breath.
“Ah heard about that! You know Berry, you really shouldn’t drink so much...” Ha! Classic Applej- FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
The face Berry made in response was something like a zombie crossed with a high cat. It didn't take a social retard to know she'd likely been told that a millions times before. “Right... anyway, Cap is new in town and would love some of your delicious apples!”
Instantly, Applejack’s expressions shifted from concerned friend to business owner, “Well why didn’t ya say so?” she asked me directly. Actually, I still hadn’t said anything....“It’s 10 bit’s ah bushel, Hero!”
I took the opportunity to speak before Berry could recite my phoney sob-story for me “A-actually, I... can’t really afford a bushel... Or anything really. I was attacked outside the Everfree Forest and lost all my bits.” I said to her (to fucking APPLEJACK! AAAAHHHHH) Maybe if I wasn't so excited, I would have noticed the horrible atrocity I was committing; lying to the Element of Honesty. And best pony, no less! I'm surprised I wasn't smited on the spot.
“No foolin’? Well, have one on me, call it a hero’s discount.” Applejack said, reching into one of her wood buckets and tossing a bright red apple my way
I reached out a hoof to grab the flying fruit, only to have it bounce off and fall to the ground. Wooooooow I have no fingers... I stared at my hoof, taking in this revelation for the first time. I suddenly felt the need to crack my knuckles, pick my nose, and scratch my balls. A most unpleasant mix of finger-related impulses.
The other two looked at me in confusion (not for the first or last time.) Then Applejack (bless her southern drawl) laughed and said “Heh, nice catch, sugarcube.”
I returned the laugh (quieter this time) and walked over to the fallen fruit, not entirely sure how I would lift it. I reached out with my hoof and prodded the apple. I could feel it through the hard surface at the end of my foreleg, but how do I grab it? In the show, they would just touch it, and it would somehow stick, so I tried that. I lifted the hoof and the apple lifted with it.
A wave of happiness washed over me. I looked at the others with a huge smile, and was meet with two ponies who looked like they thought I was retarded.
“That... Jackalope must ah fallen on you pretty hard, huh?” Applejack said, confirming my suspicions.
I blushed a little under my red fur, “Heh, yeah... Thanks for the apple!” I bit into the fruit and my mouth exploded in a flavour orgasm. It was the best apple I had ever eaten.
“This is the best apple I’ve ever eaten!” I said with a full mouth. Now it was Applejack’s turn to blush.
“Well, thank you kindly, Cap.” She said my pony name squeeeeee! I finished the apple in 3 bites, core and all. Screw manners, I'm a goddamn horse.
“We’re going to Sugarcube corner, care to join us?” Berry asked my favourite farmer.
Applejack lifted an eyebrow, “Ya'll are going ta Sugarcube corner?” Berry nodded, “And ya say he’s new in town?” I nodded this time, starting to figure out where she was going.
“Something tells me I’ll be seeing ya’ll... later.” She said, giving me a wink and almost sending me to the ER for heart palpitations.
“Ooooh, right!" Berry said, winking back with all the subtlety of an invading army, "Well, I’m showing Cap around town, so I guess we'll... see you ‘later’.” She did it right in front of me, and still I don’t know how she made air quotes without fingers. I suppose that’s just another thing I’ll have to learn here.
We left Applejack’s cart and Berry lead me through Ponyville. She showed me some places I knew from the show and a few I didn’t, like the post office and local tavern (no surprises there. I made a joke about a horse walking into a bar, but I don't think she got it.) before we finally arrived at Sugarcube Corner.
Eating the apple had only reminded me of how hungry I really was. I was pretty much drooling when we got there, but just as we were about to enter, a white unicorn trotted out in a flustered hurry. She had pink frosting all over her stunning purple mane. “It’s quite alright Pinkie! I’ll just go clean up and...” Rarity froze when she saw us.
“Heya Rarity! Did Pinkie drop a cake on you or something?” Berry said with a laugh. A large glob slid off Rarity's shell-shocked face as she took a moment to regain her composure.
She stood up straight and cleared her throat, “No, actually, it was... just frosting this time. I don’t know how I put up with that pony sometimes, with her crazy antics and complete lack of...” Then her eyes fell on me, “Oh, where are my manners, here I am rambling without offering an introduction to a stranger.”
Heh, I could learn a thing or two from this one.
“I am Rarity, I run the Carousel Boutique here in town.” she said with a flourish.
I returned the gesture with a bow. Something that was very difficult on four legs, “Nice to meet you! I’m Night Cap, but my friends call me Cap.” (Ha, no they don’t, just you dream ponies.)
“Well Mr. Cap, I can tell you are new in town, so let me give you a little warning.” Rarity trotted up close to me and looked me dead in the eyes.
“Pinkie Pie. Is. CRAZY.” She whispered with increasing volume and proximity.
I could tell she was only half joking, and I guess I knew where she was coming from... but geez, ever hear of personal space? "I’ll keep that in mind.” I said nervously.
“You would be wise to do so." She backed off a little, not because she sensed my discomfort, I think she's just overly dramatic. What a shocker. "Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need a shower. NOW.” And with that, Rarity ran off, leaving a trail of dust in her manic wake. We stared in awe for a second.
“Well, let’s go in!” Berry said. Gotta admire her resolve.
We entered the gingerbread-like establishment and the smell of all things sweet and delicious filled my nostrils. There were a few ponies sitting around, enjoying their sugar-filled treats. My mouth was fully watering now as I watched a white pegasus lift a spoonful of ice cream to her muzzle. God, I hope ponies can't get diabetes. Or... dream diabetes. Right, I'm still dreaming. Gotta remember that...
“Don’t worry Mrs. Cake! I’ll clean it up in a jiffy! I promise it won’t happen again! ...This week.” I tore my attention from the ice cream and my brief reality check to meet the blue eyes of a very pink pony. Her pupils dilated and her face went blank. A smile crossed my face as I watched the gears turning in her head.
Berry must have picked up on it too, cause she waltz up and asked, “Hey Pinkie Pie! How’s it going?”
Pinkie didn’t respond. She was staring at me with her mouth agape, then she slowly lifted a hoof in my direction. “Is...is he...” Here it comes...
“New in town? Why yes, I am. Name’s Night Cap.” I extended a hoof to shake. She stared at it like it was completely alien (Heh, actually I guess I kinda was) Then it clicked.
Literally.
I swear I heard a fucking click.
Pinkie jumped ten feet into the air and let out a high pitched squeal. Then, without returning to the floor, she zipped out of the place with speed that would impress a cheetah.
“You have no idea what you just got yourself into.” Berry said, laughing.
We placed our order with Mr. Cake (Mrs. Cake was busy cleaning up a pile of frosting and grumbling to herself.) I’m a pretty slim guy (and, by extension, pony) but that didn’t stop me from eating the biggest funnel cake I had ever seen in under five minutes. I couldn’t tell if Berry was impressed or grossed out (probably the latter).
When we left Sugarcube Corner, my walking speed had been noticeably reduced. “Thanks again for the funnel cake!” I said/burped.
“Ha, you saved my life, remember?” Berry laughed, leading me back into town, “Buying you lunch was the least I could do!”
“You’re also letting me stay at your house. I’d say that’s going above and beyond moral obligation.” She just rolled her eyes, muttering something about taking what you could get that I didn't quite catch. Just up ahead, peaking over thatched rooftops, I noticed a large tree with windows close by. “Hey, umm... What’s that tree house thing?” I asked, knowing the answer.
“Oh, that’s the Golden Oaks Library. Twilight Sparkle lives there with Spike.” Berry confirmed. Perfect.
“You don’t say... Hey, you go on to the school, I’ll meet you at your place later. I just... wanna stop by here real quick.” I said, trotting off to do what I felt I had to. I had promised myself I would, on behalf of the humans.
“Uhh... Cap?” Berry called out.
I stopped and looked back. “What?”
“You don’t know where I live...”
“Oh... right. Umm... Wher-”
“It’s a house on the other side of City Hall. Just follow the skid marks.” She said before I could finish.
I was confused for a second, then remembered the whole Big Mac/ Cheerilee incident. It's weird, knowing all this stuff about somewhere you've never been. Like spending too much time on Google Maps before going to a new part of the city.
“Gotcha, see you later!” I trotted up to the library, leaving Berry to pick up her sister (and warn her of their odd new tenant.)
I took a few deep breaths, then I knocked on the sectioned door with a hoof. Soon after, it swung open and a small, purple dragon stood before me. “Umm... Yes?” Spike said.
I smiled. I am a fan of Spike’s antics, especially when mustaches are involved.
“Hey there champ, I’m new in town. My name is Night Cap, but my friends call me Cap.” The introduction was becoming easier and more natural with repetition. Stilll a dream though, I reminded myself, “Is Twilight Sparkle around? I was hoping to talk with her.”
Spike eyed me up and down with a raised eyebrow, “Yeah... she’s here. Come on in, I guess.”
I entered the musty library and took in the captivating smell of hundreds of old books. I wondered if my subconscious could possibly fill each one with content, and if so, how much of it would be poop jokes. I know my subconscious pretty well.
“Hey Twilight! Somepony is here to see you.” Spike shouted up to the second level of the library/living space.
“Really? I wasn’t expecting any...” Twilight emerged at the top of the staircase and looked down at me. I waved sheepishly. “Visitors.” The look of surprise on her face was quickly replaced by one of animosity. "...Spike? Would you please go to the basement and find me a jar of... dihydrogen monoxide?"
"But... it's dark down there!" Spike replied, not getting the real intent of the mundane request.
Twilight fixed him with a stern glare and his resolve shattered, "Okay, okay. I'm going." The little dragon sulked over to another door and disappeared into the lower level of the tree. A violet shimmer encased the door and it swung shut.
I shifted awkwardly, "Uhh, isn't dihydrogen monoxide... water?" What? I remember parts of high school.
“What are you doing here?” Twilight demanded, her features rigid and unamused.
“Umm... actually...” I said, amazed at how intimidating a purple unicorn could be, “I came here to apologize to you.”
Not what she had expected, apparently. Her expression lightened slightly, then turned back to stone. “Oh really? And why would you do that?”
I took a tentative step towards the stairs, as if I was literally walking on eggshells, as opposed to figuratively, “Because I was being jerky. Sometimes, when I’m nervous, I say things that come out a lot meaner than I intended.” That bit is actually true, but thank Celestia I’m Canadian; apologies are like second nature to me, no lying required. “You have every right to be suspicious of me, especially after what happened at the wedding.”
The scowl subsided to surprise and didn’t return this time. Twilight took a few steps down into the main room, “You know about the wedding? Did you read that in the paper too?” She asked with only a hint of sarcasm.
“Yes. Also Fluttershy told me.” I joked, earning a chuckle a little as she descended.
“Of course she did. Look, I know I have no reason not to believe you, but I can’t shake off this feeling.” Twilight stopped walking, about halfway down the stairs now, “You see, I’m picking up a strange magical vibe from you, unlike any pony I've ever met before.”
“You... Really?” Uh-oh, this could be bad. “That’s news to me. I didn’t even know I had ‘magical vibes’” Could she see through me? What would it mean if she could?
“All ponies have a kind of magic in them, be they earth ponies, pegasai or unicorns. When I first saw you lying unconscious in Fluttershy’s cabin, I sensed something off and... well...“ She sighed heavily and looked at the floor. “I just wanted to protect my friends.”
A moment passed, and I guess since I didn't burst into maniacal laughter and start explaining my master plan to take over Equestria, Twilight continued down the steps, “What happened at my brothers wedding was awful, and if something similar were to happen here...” She trailed off, reaching my level at the bottom of the stairs but refusing to meet my eyes.
I was quiet for a moment, not sure what to say. “It’s okay Twilight...” I went with, “I assure you I’m not a changeling, or any other kind of monster in disguise.” Wow, if that isn’t the biggest lie I’ve told all day. "And I don't mean you, you're friends or anypony any harm."
Twilight giggled, “No, you are far too polite to be a monster.” Ooooooh Caaaaanadaaaa “I’m sorry I was so abrasive.”
I laughed back, “Well, I’m glad we cleared that up. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to check out any books from here.”
And with those damming words, Twilight's smile evaporated and her pupils narrowed. “You... are interested in books?”
“Uhhhh...”
I left almost an hour later with half a dozen books on my back. I struggled under the weight as I headed towards City Hall, my ribs reminding me constantly of the price of being a show-off.
“Well.. err... That went well.” I said to myself.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” A raspy voice replied. I looked around, but saw nopony.
“Well?!” A blue pegasus landed right in front me, causing me to jump and drop my carefully stacked books. “Didn’t you hear me, egghead?”
Rainbow Dash was right in my face. I would have been ecstatic, if I wasn’t so sure she was about to kick my ass.
“I... was just talking to Twilight and...” I started.
“What? You her new coltfriend or something?” She said eyeing me accusingly.
She couldn't hold it for very long. Rainbow broke into a roaring fit of laughter after only a few seconds.
“Ha ha! Like that would ever happen!” She said wiping away a tear. “Seriously though, who the buck are you?”
I cleared my throat and introduced myself (man, I’m getting better at this already!) “I’m Night Cap! Or just Cap for short. Actually, I’m kinda Ponyville’s most recent hero.” I said smugly, thinking it might impress her.
It didn’t.
“Are you the one the Jackalope fell on?” Dash asked, wearing the biggest shit-eating grin outside of Germany.
“Uhhh...” I stammered as my ego deflated. Rainbow flapped her wings and hovered off the ground, smiling triumphantly.
“Yeah that’s what I thought. Anyway, I’m Rainbow Dash, Ponyville’s coolest hero.” She said as I began picking up the books with my teeth and loading them onto my back again. They tasted terrible.
“The pleasure’s all mine, I’m sure.” I mumbled.
“Ha, I like your style... as wimpy as it is.” She flew towards Twilight’s door, further grinding my gears, “Hey! I’ll see you at the party! Just gotta go invite Twi.”
I looked up, “Party? What party?”
“You met Pinkie, didn’t you?” Dash said as she entered the tree/library and slammed the door behind her.
I smiled to myself, picking up the last of the books. “I knew I was getting a party. A hero party.” I leered at the door, then turned to the center of town. Despite what I'd said in my fake back story, I actually have a great sense of direction. It really helps getting home after a night of drinking.
By the time I passed the round building I knew was City Hall, I had to stop for a breather. My ribs were continuously protesting the stack of books Twilight had loaded on my back. I trotted over to a nearby bench and unloaded my heavy burden, giving myself a chance to recover. I sat peacefully for a while, then curiously glanced over at the pile of books.
“Could they really all be filled with information?” I knew in a normal dream they would probably be blank, or scribbled gibberish, but this was far from a normal dream. Curiosity got the better of me, and I pulled one of them over.
“An Introduction to Cartography: Volume I” I read out loud. I flipped through a few pages, reading small excerpts and admiring the hand/hoof drawn maps on every weathered page, “This... is far more complicated than anything I could have come up with.” I said aloud. A pony walked by and gave me an odd look, which I returned with a smile.
I grabbed another book, ‘Socializing: A Guide To Meeting Others In A New Town’ This one was full of sticky notes, made by Twilight herself. They were insanely intricate and all of them canon. I found several references to events from the show, such as the time Applejack and Rarity had their slumber party and when Twilight was forced to keep a secret. It was so dorky, but just as detailed. Could all of this information really have come from my own head?
I was looking through the 5th book (a hefty tome on Everfree Forest biodiversity) and pondering my current manifestation when I was interrupted by a slightly drunk pony.
“Hey! Cap! There you are, I thought you were... hic... lost or something...” Berry said, swaying on her hooves.
“Sorry, just... spaced out again, heh heh..” I said, standing up and gathering the books. Berry tried to help, but was unable to balance... well anything.
“Did the party start without me?” I asked as we headed to her nearby abode. I could already see the grooves in the ground leading us there.
“Party? Hic...There’s no party...” She said with a wink. “Also, try to act surprised... or Pinkie will just through another one tomorrow... hic... I don’t think my house can take 2 Pinkie party’s in a row.”
We laughed as we approached the front door and I got ready to gasp. Then, before Berry could get a hoof on the doorknob (why did she have a doorknob? No fucking clue) the damn thing burst open with the force of a million suns exploding. I passed on the gasp and issued a genuine shriek, stumbling backwards and falling on my ass, casting books in all directions.
“SURPRISE!” Pinkie called from the entrance, surrounded by her friends (most of whom were laughing, especially Rainbow Dash) A small burst of confetti went off.
I gave my sore ribs a rub as I tried to catch my breath and get a grip on myself. I looked at Rarity, who shot me a look of I told you so.
“Holy fuc- I mean what the shi- h...how?” I sputtered, picking myself up off the ground. Rainbow was rolling with laughter at this point. That little c-
“Easy!" Pinkie sang. She hopped down the stairs and started speaking a mile a minute, "I heard there was a new pony in town, so I knew I was gonna throw a party, but then I heard about what happened yesterday, so I knew I’d have to throw a BIG party. Then, when you walked into Sugarcube corner, I just had to throw a big party right away! I sent out the invites, got the decorations and all I had left to do was surprise you! So were you surprised Cap? Huh? Huh!”
She was directly in front of my face at this point, eyed wide and smiling. I couldn’t help but smile back, despite the full-body surge of pain, “I sure was! Just one question... How’d you know I’d be coming to Berry's place?”
“Well, you did save her life, plus, you have no bits and Berry has that spare room, I knew you’d be staying here, duh!” Pinkie smiled smugly, moving back and giving me room to breathe.
“Wow, you’d make a fine detective.” I said, knowing she would pick up on the reference.
She waved a hoof dismissively. “Been there, done that!”
“When I got home with Pina, I was shocked to find a party was already half set up... hic...” Berry added, “now come in a have a drink or six with me!”
It was the best party I’ve ever been to, hands/hooves down. The small house was crammed full of ponies, all of them praising me and my 'heroics'. They all started giving me spare bits, and before you could say “Small Town Hospitality” I had me some good spending money.
I had a few drinks with Berry and soon enough I was drunk. I told Twilight I was sorry for dropping her books and she said I apologize too much. Applejack and I did some shots, probably the highlight of my life up to this point. Rainbow passed out early and I got Rarity to tie her hair in braids. I ate way too many cupcakes (Pinkie kept asking me what I was checking them for, but instead of saying “blood and guts” I said parasprites and she laughed.)
I felt so alive, so happy. I never wanted this amazing dream to end.
It still did though, when I passed out on the floor and the party music was replaced by overloaded trucks rumbling down my street to the nearby highway.
“I am accustomed to sleep and in my dreams to imagine the same things that lunatics imagine when awake.” Rene Descartes
It was morning.
Like the night before, I pulled myself out of bed and wrote down the events of the dream, fighting a vicious hangover. Drinking with alpha-bros has its repercussions. I compared my notes to the ones from the first dream, looking for any inconsistencies. It was amazing how clearly I could remember what had happened, when I first started dreaming, that was one of my biggest obstacles. After reading over both entries and finding no continuity errors to speak of, I gave up and decided to have a shower to clear my head (and wash out the bar-stink).
Showering usually helps me wake up and overcome hangovers, but today it only made me feel sleepy. Not regular morning-after sleepy; I could feel it hitting me in waves, causing me to almost nod off on my feet. I got out, fearing I might fall asleep and crack my head open on the way down, but the mysterious sleep waves stopped just as suddenly as they had started.
“Strange." I said to myself as I dried off, "This calls for more research, but first, bacon!”
Priorities set, I went downstairs to make a bacon sandwich (the best cure for a hangover short of more drinking) and noticed Dan wasn’t home. More for me I guess. I’m not exactly a master chef or anything, but whenever I’m in the kitchen he has an annoying habit of suddenly materializing. I opened a new pack of bacon and started cooking, thinking about the party I had just woke up from. I definitely wasn’t drunk anymore, just hungover from the bar last night. I was also hungry, and Night Cap had just eaten ALL the cupcakes. Very interesting.
I continued to ponder my dreams as the bacon sizzled, filling the kitchen with a heavenly scent. I remembered the library books I'd read in Ponyville and how every single page was full of text and illustrations. There were medical diagrams and anatomy descriptions for creatures I had never heard of. Could I have possibly come up with all that?
Sitting down at the table, I slowly ate my sandwich, letting the bread and grease soak up the residual alcohol in my gut. If the information in those books wasn’t coming from me, where was it coming from? Could I have stumbled onto something truly remarkable here? Or was it all equal parts unhealthy obsession and wishful thinking? I had too many questions about my dreams, and I needed answers. So I came up with a plan.
I cleaned the dishes from breakfast, then checked the time. 12:48, about an hour since I woke up from the party. I grabbed a blanket and laid down on the couch. Using a meditation technique I'd picked up somewhere, I closed my eyes and cleared my head, picturing each thought as a ball about to roll down a hill. If you stop the ball, you stop the thought and the mind stays clear (a trick I’ve become pretty good at).
I tried to pull the blanket up higher, but I couldn’t find it. I opened my eyes and realized I was in a dark house lying on the floor. I was also a pony again.
“Okay... sh-... st... starting to ghet it.” I slurred to my surprise. But of course! I passed out an hour ago; I was still drunk here! The plot thickens (Not that kind of plot, weirdo).
I gotta find a clock. I tried to stand, swaying slightly. It’s actually easier than standing drunk on two legs, I realized. I stumbled through the darkness, looking for a clock, but collided with the side of a table, prodding my bruised ribs.
“Ffffffffffffffffffffffff... Fillydelphia.” I said, narrowly avoiding the swear. And it was a good thing I did.
“Is that you, Cap?” A young voice asked from the nearby staircase. I turned to see a small pink filly with a candle in her mouth eyeing me with curiosity. It was Pina Colada, Berry’s little sister! We had met briefly earlier, but I doubt I had been very eloquent at the time...
Pina came down the stairs and placed the candle on the malicious table. “I thought I heard a noise, so I came to check on you.” She said.
“Oh, thanks, I was just... checking the time.” I replied, using the dim candlelight to scan the room again.
“There’s a clock in the kitchen.” She said, pointing with a hoof.
“Thanks again!” I said, sticking my head in and finding the thing above the stove. I could barely read it in the darkness, but upon closer inspection, I saw it read 1:07. Very interesting indeed.
“I tried to get you off the floor, but you must be a real heavy sleeper cause you wouldn't get up no matter what I did.” Pina said, drawing back my divided attention. Must run in the family.
“Yeah, I’ve... been told that before.” Could I be woken up here? Or in the real world? “I... umm... have a medical condition. I can’t and really shouldn’t be woken up. It’s... bad for my health.” I was trying so hard to think straight, but also to not be drunk in front of the filly. It was only polite, considering I was kinda lying to her face.
“Oh, sorry then. Thanks for saving my sister’s life by the way!” Pina said, running over and hugging my forelegs. The genuine hug of a child is apparently a great way to sober up, because my drunkenness was instantly replaced with heartfelt sincerity.
“Anytime, champ. I was just... in the right place at the right time, I guess.” I said, remembering how hungover Berry was the day we met. “Did she make it to bed okay?”
“Yeah, she’s fine. I’ve seen her a lot worse...” She looked at the floor. The silence that followed allowed all the implications of what she had said to cross my mind. There was something wrong here, and I had barely noticed it until now. A question emerged from the tumult of thoughts in my head, a question I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
“So, where... are your parents?”
Pina hesitated for only a moment, then slowly looked up at me. “They’re gone. There was an accident when I was just a little filly.” She let out a heavy sigh, then did the last thing I expected. She smiled. “But I have my big sister! She’s not perfect, but we have each other. We won the Sister Hooves Social this year , you know!” She pointed to a large blue ribbon hanging on the wall next to a framed picture of her and Berry laughing together.
I was taken aback for a moment as the information sunk in. It was all so... incongruous. So out of place. How could something so tragic happen in a place this amazing? Sadness doesn’t belong here.
I lowered my head to look Pina in the eyes. “I’m sorry I asked, and you are right. You have a wonderful sister and I hope you don’t mind me hanging around you guys too much.”
She smiled back at me. “You seem nice enough. A little weird, but that's okay.”
“You have no idea...” I chuckled. Our moment was suddenly interrupted when I almost fell over. I wasn’t relapsing into drunk-town, I was falling asleep. Those weird sleep waves were hitting me again, just like in the shower back home. “I... think I should be going to bed now... “
“Follow me! I’ll show you to the spare room.” Pina grabbed the candle and led me upstairs to a small room with a makeshift bed and an open chest. There was a bag of bits in the chest that must have been mine. “Here it is! Good night, Cap... hehehe” She giggled.
I mumbled a reply as I collapsed onto the bed and gave in to the sleep waves.
The first thing I noticed was that my face hurt.
“Wake up sleepy head!” Dan shouted, slapping me for what must have been the third or fourth time.
“Ah! What the fuck, man?” I cried, pushing the brute away.
“Having one of those loosened dreams again?” He laughed, heading into the kitchen. I knew that any bacon that was left in the fridge was as good as gone. sigh.
“Yeah, so... how long were you trying to wake me up?” I asked. May as well try to learn something after being slapped around.
“I dunno, a few minutes I guess. I can’t believe you slept through that beating!”
All anger aside (but not forgotten) that did explain the waves of sleep I’ve been feeling. They must happen when someone (or somepony) tries to wake me up. I checked my watch, it read 1:12. Another mystery solved. Time is 12 hours ahead (or behind) in the dream. This calls for more investigating.
I heard the rest of the bacon from the pack hit a hot frying pan and soon the sweet smell filled the house again. I had to think, but bacon can be so distracting.
“I’m going upstairs.” I said, getting off the couch and starting up the steps.
“Whatever." Dan said, then added, "Hey, you call that chick from last night yet?”
Holy shit, I forgot about Sandra! “Ummm... no, not yet.” I replied. I ran back to the foyer and searched my jacket pockets, finding the number inside.
“Good. You gotta make ‘em wait a few days.” Dan said, overcooking the bacon and spilling grease on the floor. I may not be a great cook, but Dan is just a menace in the kitchen.
“Yeah, right...” I ran upstairs.
Now that I had remembered the phone number, it became hard not to think about it. Sandra had been so awesome, and I really did want to hang out with her again, but it seemed to soon. I didn’t want to look like a loser or something (says the guy having dreams about magical ponies).
“I wonder what she’d say if I told her I was drinking with Rainbow Dash last night?” I asked aloud. I remembered the prank Rarity and I pulled on her and laughed a little, hoping Dash wouldn’t kill me tomorrow. If my little test earlier had proved anything, it’s that I would be spending a lot of time in Ponyville.
That would require planning, however. I did work part time at a production studio, and if I wanted to pursue a second life, I needed to make like Twilight and organize my shit. The first thing I did was open a new dream journal and jot down all my backstory. I added in a few things, like names for my pony parents (Dusk Wind and April Showers should do it) and employment history (I kept this part open, seeing how I still didn’t know what my special talent was). I also made a list of things I would need to do once I was in Ponyville again, first and foremost was buying a watch, which I should be able to afford thanks to the generous donations at the party... several hours ago. I would also need to consult some maps and find a small town to be my birthplace. I needed to round out my fictional past, just in case.
There was also the question of work. If I wanted to be a functioning member of pony society, I needed a job. I already felt like a mooch by living with Berry and Pina, but I really had no other option at the moment. I would ask around town and see if anything was available.
I decided to take a break from my hurried note making (when I get this worked up, my writing suffers noticeable). This was probably the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me... and I had nobody to tell about it. I thought of calling Sandra, but that still seemed like a bad idea, even if I didn’t mention my developing second life.
Instead, I turned to my old friend; the internet. Surely I could learn something there. I posted on some of the dream forums I frequented. They had been incredibly helpful when this whole thing was beginning. I asked if anyone else had ever had dreams that were as consistent as mine, or if they had found a clock that worked. Maybe there were others trying to master duality like me?
I also put on a few episodes on My Little Pony for good measure. I re-watched Berry and Pina win the Sister Hooves Social and smiled to myself, knowing how much it must have meant to both of them. I thought about Pina and the conversation we had, feeling a little sad again.
I always pictured Berry Punch as a lovable drunk; like a kind of comedic relief. It was funny to me, being the heavy drinker that I am. Now that I was starting to grasp the implications and cause of it, I felt like a dick. How could alcoholism be funny? Even if it was afflicting a purple horse? Sometimes ethics are tricky.
I tried to shake the images from my mind. After all, I really didn’t know the whole story. I checked the forums for replies to distract myself.
The few I received were... hardly informative. I was called a liar by several users and an idiot by others. They insisted that clocks could never work as I described them and that chronological dreams where an impossibility. They quoted doctors, psychiatrists, and other experts, resulting in a hefty pile of evidence against my claims. Even I would have believed it, if I had not experienced the dreams myself.
This threw my whole perspective off. What did this all mean? I’m having dreams that nobody thinks are possible. Am I just... really good at it? Like... special talent good? How can dreaming be a talent?
A tidal wave of thoughts rushed over me, threatening to drown me with insanity (assuming I haven’t gone insane already.) These guys were dream experts, how could none of them have had something similar? Was I really that special?
I thought about calling Sandra again. Maybe talking to another person about my dreams would help me understand them better? I grabbed my phone and and tried to come up with something to say... but nothing came to me. I believe I mentioned that I’m shitty at starting conversations, especially personal ones. I tried to think of something, anything, but to no fucking avail.
I set the phone down with a heavy sigh. There was nobody I could talk to about this, I was on my own in uncharted waters.
But you know what? That's okay. I’ve been a brony for almost 2 years, and I’ve hardly had a chance to talk about it to anyone. This is almost the same thing, but better! Not only did I have the chance to hang out with ponies and have magical adventures, I got to have the exciting life I’ve always wanted, too!
It didn’t matter what my dreams were, or where they were coming from. I had been given an incredible opportunity for happiness and I wasn’t going to waste it. I’ve read that your brain can’t tell the difference between a dream and reality, so I was really just experiencing two realities; one boring and one awesome. I was going to make this work.
I closed the forums and opened my work schedule. I was booked for most weekdays for the next month, starting at 10am. I would split my day, 12 hours in each reality. I would go to bed at 9pm here (damn early by my standards) and wake up at 9am in Ponyville, be a pony for 12 hours, go to bed at 9pm PST (Pony Standard Time) and have just enough time to get to work.
I smiled as I checked the time. 2:53pm. 6 hours until pony-time. I wasted away the rest of the day with various errands and chores, counting down the hours,
One thing was certain. Working tomorrow was going to suuuuuuuuck.
“Judge of your natural character by what you do in your dreams.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
My first week of duality was without a doubt the most exciting week of my life... though it definitely wasn't the smoothest. The first noticeable change was my sudden streak of being late for work (I had an impeccable record until now). But too many things were happening in my second life, I just couldn't bring myself to close my eyes and return to my world on time. Can you really blame me?
My job is boring as hell; burning dvds and printing labels on them, staring at a computer screen for hours on end. It became impossible to focus on the mundane tasks I had and not my nighttime adventures, so I started slacking even more than usual. I could not wait for the weekend and my extra time in Ponyville, but I digress, let’s start at the beginning.
I woke up in Ponyville with my to-do list in mind... and another hangover. Man, you’d think one a day would be enough. I carefully wobbled my way downstairs to find Berry sitting at her table with a large glass of water in hoof (ha... nailed it!). She looked... just terrible.
I plopped down into the empty chair beside her. “Hey Berry... ummm, how are you feeling?” I asked, guessing at the answer.
“Just dandy, Cap. My head feels like an over inflated balloon and everything is spinning. Uuuugh the look Miss Cheerilee gave me.... “
“You saw Cheerilee today?” I noticed Pina wasn’t here. Berry must have taken her to school... but she was at school yesterday... “This might sound weird but, what day is it?”
Berry shot me a look of confusion, then said, “It’s Tuesday... I think. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s right.” Tuesday it is then. Weird, it’s Sunday night at home. So time was more than just twelve hour off here.
“Oh, of course... haha.” I laughed off my ignorance, then changed the subject. “No offense, but you look like-”
“Shit?” She interrupted without missing a beat. She's impressively quick witted for someone so hungover.
“Hey, come on. I asked you not to use that word.” I was grinning a little, it’s still kinda funny to hear a pony swear. “And I was going to tell you how to cure a hangover too....” I added coyly.
Apparently her reflexes were also unaffected by her hangover, cause she snapped to attention in an instant. “Really? How?! Tell me!” She was manic, with desperation in her huge purple eyes. I was about to tell her all about the wonders of bacon sandwiches when I remembered where I was, and that I’m an idiot.
Ponies don’t eat bacon, jackass my brain confirmed for me. Where the fuck was that factoid two second ago?
“It’s... umm simple really...” I don’t know fuck all about pony anatomy, how was I suposed to come up with an answer that didn't involve murdering a few of Berry's neighbors? I know! Make a joke! “You just gotta keep drinking! Ha...ha.” I ‘joked’. Probably not the best thing to say to a possible alcoholic.
Berry slumped down into her chair. “As much as I’d like to, it’s nine in the morning and I have to run the winery today.” Good, so there's hope yet... right? “Not that I'm judging or anything, but I assume that's not what you're planning to do today, right?"
Shaking my head hard enough to feel queasy, I told her about my plan to buy a watch and look for work in town. What I didn’t mention was that I’d also be going around meeting all the ponies I knew from the kid’s show they came from, for obvious reasons. She suggested I go to Colgate’s Clock Shop for the watch and Town Hall to find work. I couldn't remember that last time I got a job without using the internet.
After a disappointingly bacon-free breakfast, Berry had to leave for the winery she owned and operated. She lent me her saddlebags for the day, which I placed my bits in, and walked out of the house with her.
“I should be back around 4pm. Do you think you can pick up Pina from school? I... don’t want to run into Cheerilee again...” asked Berry as she shut and locked the front door.
“Ummm, sure.” It was the least I could do for free room and board.
“Thanks a bunch. See you later Cap!” She trotted off, still a little shaky. Why can’t horses eat bacon like normal people? sigh.
A short trot later, I easily found the clock shop (it had a giant clock on it’s sign. Go figure.) After a pleasant conversation with Colgate, (I asked if the Doctor was in, she looked at me like I was crazy. Good times) I cantered out with a brand new watch on my wrist. I didn't even need to wind it, because it ran on magic. At least that's what Colgate told me. Could have been a battery inside, but I didn't really care.
“Awesome! Now I can keep appointments across realities!” I said aloud. No one was around, so I guess I was just lying to myself.
It was 10:35 A.M. by the time I found the large bulletin board of job postings in Town Hall. It felt great to be out and about in the morning, though I rarely did it at home. I can be active in the morning, but I prefer to sleep in. I guess my desire to not waste time here was motivating me to drag my ass out of bed at a semi-reasonable hour.
I eagerly scanned the listings; the hospital was looking for a night janitor. Pass. Carrot-Top needed help cleaning a pig sty. No thanks. The Weather Control Center wanted an inexperienced pegasus to receive paid training and a future job on Ponyville Weather Team.
“Son. Of. A. Bitch.” I muttered under my breath between clenched teeth. If I could have given the board the finger, I totally would have.
Ignoring the infuriating posting, I continued reading, cursing my winglessness. There were plenty of listings, but none I could actually do or enjoy. Fuck, and here I thought finding a job would be easy for once. Guess I was wrong, something I frequently am.
I trudged out of Town Hall in a mope. I'd hit a major setback, and it wasn't even lunchtime yet. Then I looked up and remembered I was in mother fucking PONYVILLE! With PONIES and shit! How could I be mopey here?
A smile crossed my face as I dispelled my funk and galloped off to have fun pony-related adventures. I found Lyra and asked if she needed a hand (Haaaa... she didn’t get it.) I grabbed lunch at a nice little deli (a sunflower sandwich tastes exactly like you’d think it would; like flowers on some bread.) And Rainbow Dash gave me the beating for my life for the little prank Rarity and I pulled the night before.
“Think about that next time you try to prank the master!” She laughed, flying off and leaving me slightly more bruised.
"It was mostly Rarity's idea!" I pointlessly called after her. It's not like she would be getting a visit from the Asskicking Fairy.
I wasted away the rest of my day wandering around Ponyville, then trotted contently to the school house when I assumed class would be ending. I got there just as the bell rang out and a tidal wave of even littler ponies erupted from the building. I quickly spotted the Cutie Mark Crusaders and had to resist running up and high-fiving them. Or... would it be high hoofing? Are bro-hoofs an actual thing here? Anyway, I am an adult, so high-fiving random children would be a no-no. Sometimes, I can pull off a little bit of self control.
“Night Cap! Over here!” Pina called, snapping me to attention yet again. She ran up and gave me another hug. “Is Berry at the winery still?”
I nodded. “She should be home by the time we get there though, champ.”
“So, you must be Night Cap.” Said an approaching voice that I knew belonged to Cheerilee. I turned to meet the pleasant pink teacher pony.
“Why, yes, I am.” I said, offering a hoof in a way I hoped was polite. After spending all day meeting (and for the most part, creeping-out/annoying) other ponies, I was able to keep my excitement in check.
Cheerilee grasped my hoof (to my continued confusion) and shook it gently. “It’s a pleasure to meet you! I’m Ms. Cheerilee.” Ya don’t say. “Pina has been talking about you all day, you big hero.”
I blushed, then looked to Pina, who also blushed. “Heh, It was nothing. Just in the right place at the right time.” I replied modestly. It’s hard to feel like a hero when you get high and watch cartoons all day last Thursday. No matter how many times you’re called one.
“Yes, well Berry Punch does have a habit of getting into trouble...” Cheerilee said, making a face. Then, remembering Pina was standing right beside me, she wisely changed the subject. “S-so... how are you liking Ponyville?”
“Oh, it’s great!” I played along, happy to talk about something else. “...Though I am having a little difficulty finding work.” I admitted, still a tad disappointed. Not to mention the cuisine, you damn pedal-pushers...
“Really? There was nothing listed at the Town Hall?” I shook my head, suppressing the memory of the weather-pony posting. Cheerilee lifted a hoof to her chin, “Well... we were supposed to have a guest speaker in tomorrow, but he had to cancel at the last minute. It was a paid job, too.”
My ears perked up. Huh, that was new. “Really?! ...What was he going to be speaking about?” I asked, to excited to try to regain direct ear control.
“Well... he was going to talk about magic. He’s a unicorn, after all...”
No. Fucking. Way. I was too deflated even to be angry. I must have looked particularly distraught, because Cheerilee was quick to jump back in and lift my spirits.
“But I’m sure you will have something much more interesting to talk about tomorrow!”
I looked up and gave her an askance glance. “You... want me to talk to your class tomorrow?”
“Of course!” She beamed, “You are the new local hero, I’m sure the children would be thrilled to meet you!”
“Yeah! Please do it Cap!” Pina chimed in. She was bouncing up and down several times her own height to my amazement and confusion. I love this place, but that doesn't mean I understand half the crazy shit that happens here.
“Well, what would you want me to talk about? I’m... not really an expert on anything...” Damn my lack of experience. All I really knew about this world came from a fucking kids show. Maybe I could just sing the theme song for an hour.
"There must be something you know more about than anypony...” Pina said hopefully.
We all sat in the kitchen, a steaming plate of hay in front of us (mmmm... really digging pony food right now.) I poked it with a fork, listening to Pina talk and talk and talk. Even with my new watch, I had lost track of how long she'd been at it.
“And then! Ms. Cheerilee said we’d be thrilled to meet him, and now Cap is coming in to my class tomorrow to give a big speech ON DREAMS! Isn’t that exciting.?!” She all but shrieked.
I had also lost track of how long I’d been blushing for. Thank Celestia for my red coat.
“Dreams? Like... goals and stuff?” Berry asked, munching on the dry grass that somehow passed as food. Good thing I had eaten a whole plate of cookies with Pinkie Pie earlier. Can ponies get fat?
I cleared my throat, “Um, no. I’ll be talking about the dreams you have while you’re sleeping. There are all sorts of tricks to induce dreams. You can even teach yourself to be aware your dreaming!” I was getting some pretty perplexed looks from my audience. “Hehe... I’m... kinda of an expert on that.” I was in a fucking dream world, after all.
“Coooooool!” Pina chirped to my relief. Just when I thought I couldn’t like this kid more.
“Sounds interesting!” Berry remarked with a smile. “And congratulations on your first job in town!” She walked over to a nearby cabinet and opened it's ornate wooden doors. “i think this calls for a little celebration!”
When she returned, she had a fresh bottle of red wine from her own winery. I politely agreed, not wanting to miss out on drinking with my favorite wine-o. Berry pulled out the cork with her teeth and we began talking about some of the dreams we’ve had. I had the unique experience of having to ponify my dreams, as opposed to de-ponifying them.
It wasn’t until Pina went to bed and Berry was pouring my 3rd glass that I noticed the red flags waving in front of my face. I had know Berry for how many days? Three? She had been drunk or hungover on every one of them. And here I was drinking with her. Enabling.
That was worrying.
We finished off the entire bottle. I fell asleep after 9pm and was late for work for the first time in 5 months.
“... and, with enough practice, anyon- anypony can learn how to fully experience a lucid dream.” I finished my big sppech, tapping my notes in a professional manner I figured was required of all orators. For a shy person, I really don’t mind public speaking, though I’m not great at it. I find it hard to get people to actually listen.
This was not the case in Cheerilee’s classroom. Every set of giant eyeballs were glued to me, listening intently. It was glorious.
A pudgy grey pony lifted his hoof. “Have you ever had a lucid dream?” He asked be fore I addressed him.
An image of Xzibit passed through my mind and I had to stifle a chuckle. “Yes, as a matter of fact. I have been aware while dreaming, though I’ve never been able to control or change what’s going on; that’s very high level stuff.”
I got a round of oooh’s from the class before the bell rang and Cheerilee stepped in. “Okay class! I want you all to start a dream journal tonight. Try to use the techniques we learned today and remember to write down everything you remember!” The foals were gone before the end of her sentence.
When I left the school house, I had a huge smile on my face and a bag of bits in my hoof. I passed by the playground and heard the children talking about the dreams they were going to create for themselves for the night.
“I’m gonna fight monsters with a sword made of fire!”
“Yeah? Well, I’m gonna fly to space and buck the moon!”
“I’m going to build a huge fort made of fudge and eat the WHOLE THING!”
“Cool!” “Awesome!” “YEAH!”
My smile widened, and walked back to the house feeling amazing. Berry and Pina were already there. The filly was going on about her new dream journal and how she was going to write in it every night. I knew should would, too. Of all the kids in class, she had been the most attentive.
Berry and I had another bottle of wine to celebrate. I was an hour late for work. Again.
“You’re overmixing the batter! That’s what’s making ‘em come out all crumbly.” Ditzy Doo said. I’m not sure when we started talking about muffins, but it seemed like had been a while ago. She knew a lot about muffins. “Also, you should preheat the oven first, then pop them in as soon as you pour the batter into the pan.”
“Wow, I’ve been doing it wrong for all these years...” I said. I had actually only tried making muffins once, about 2 years ago when the whole “Derpy” fanon started up. It was an utter disaster.
“I bet the next batch you make will be amazing-tastic!” She said with a huge smile, drawing my gaze away from her slightly skewed eyes. “Just make sure you save one for me!”
"You betcha Derp- I mean, Ditzy!" That one was gonna take some getting used to.
“Hi Ditzy Doo! Hi Cap!” Said the approaching voice of my favourite egghead, Twilight Sparkle, “How's it going? Settling into Ponyville alright?”
I nodded emphatically, “I’m doing great! And Ponyville is totally awesome!” I smiled as she rolled her eyes.
“Okay, ‘Rainbow Dash’.” She snickered.
“That’s Night Cap, not Rainbow Dash.” Ditzy said, confused. “You should get your eyes checked.”
“Haha, yeah Twilight.” I joked. She shot me a look. “I mean... what’s up? Is my weird magic aura bothering you again?”
She was taken aback by the poor attempt at humor, “No! I mean, maybe. I mean, I have been doing a little research. Nothing major, just read a book or two. And I glanced over a few of the stranger magical field theories from the Golden Age of Academia, but...” she looked at the ground and prodded it with a hoof. “It’s not going well.”
“I apologize for my irregularity and the awkwardness it causes.” I said with a smirk and a cordial bow. I was in a good mood, the last thing I wanted to do was worry about was my secret humanity being discovered.
“What’s a magic aura?” Ditzy asked me, and the mailbox we were standing by.
“I’ll explain it to you later.” Twilight said, looking up from the ground. “Anyway, there was something I wanted to ask you about.”
Some much for not worrying... “Sure, go ahead?” Uh oh, this could be bad. I told my brain to get ready to enter bullshitin’ mode.
“Well, I was over at Rarity’s yesterday, you see. I wanted to ask another unicorn if they sensed anything... off... about you.”
dammitdammitdammit...
“She said there was definitely something strange...”
fffffffffffuuuuuuuuu...
“...but she couldn’t quite put her hoof on it.”
Oh thank Jesus.
“But enough about magical auras...”
“Thank you!” said Ditzy. I think her pupils were slowly moving away from each other the whole time Twilight was talking till they resembled two egg yolks at either end of a pan. I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.
“Well, Rarity’s sister, Sweetie Belle, she came in raving about the talk you had given her class yesterday, and how her group of friends are going to earn their cutie marks by dreaming.” And now I’m blushing again. I swear I’m gonna pass out from it one of these days.
“Wow, she was really that excited?” I hadn’t expected the lesson to sink in this much (though now that I think about it, telling kids they could learn to beat up sharks in their sleep may have been a tad reckless.)
“Oh yes. Personally, I find dreams fascinating! Though, I’ve only done limited research on them, mostly scientific studies.” Twilight admitted with enough modesty to choke an otter to death (that’s a lot of modesty, by the way.)
“I had a dream once! Dinky turned into a muffin, but a nice rainbow helped me turn her back. Then we all had tea!” Ditzy added excitedly, clapping her hooves together.
“Yes... Like I said, fascinating." Twilight said, shaking the crazy out of her ears, "Anyway, I’d love to learn more about your dreaming techniques! You think you’d be willing to give an encore presentation tomorrow night? For a more mature audience, of course.”
What?! I was honestly shocked. Nobody I knew at home gave two shits about my weird-o dream-talk (well, except for Sandra... I really should call her soon...)
“I’ll do it!” I agreed intently.
And for once, I was on time for work! Ha, balls no. Berry and I drank 2 bottles of wine to celebrate my growing notoriety in town and I passed out in her bathtub.
The small venue was packed full of ponies. I peaked out from off-stage, cradling the notes I had transcribed from memory and rubbing my sore back. I had done most of the actual research and writing at work during the day, earning several stern looks from my boss. On top of the e-mail she had sent me basically telling me to get my shit together. Duly noted and ignored.
I spotted Berry Punch and Pina sitting in the first row. I had warned the filly that this version of my talk was going to be a little more involved, but that only excited Pina more. The mane six were sitting right behind them, wearing varying looks ranging from excitement and boredom (thanks for the support, Rainbow.)
I took a deep breath to calm myself. Okay, Jon, just relax. You’re just going out there to talk about something you like and know a lot about. Everyone will like it. I released the breath and stepped onto the stage. All the ponies in the audience stomped their hooves, Berry and Pina being the loudest. Once again, I was thankful for my red coat.
With that little ego boost, I stepped up to the podium, “Hello everypony. My name is Night Cap, and at one point in my life, I had no dreams.”
For more than and hour I blabbed, touching on the basics of lucid dreaming and the techniques used to achieve it. They liked it! They really liked it! (Minus one blue pegasus who fell asleep...) After a brief question period and more stomping, my time in the limelight was over. I walked out of the hall to find Berry chatting with Twilight and her friends. Pina was reading a book, but came running over as soon as I stepped out.
“Cap! That was amazing!” She was jumping exceedingly high again.
“I’m glad you thought so, champ!” I said, looking at the book she had placed on the group while trying to escape gravity’s pull. “Whatcha got there?”
She stopped jumping with a gasp and flipped it open. “It’s my new dream journal!” Pina exclaimed. “I only have a few entries right now, but I’m going to write more every night!” She hoofed through a few pages. “Remembering dreams is hard, but I know I can get better if I keep at it!”
“Wow, you must really like my talks.” She was quoting me almost word for word.
"You bet! This one was even better! I’m sure I’ll be lucid dreaming in no time!” She started jumping up and down again.
“Woah there, crazy girl!” Berry said, walking over and pulling her sister back down to earth. “You were great, Cap! But it’s late, and somepony needs her beauty sleep.” Berry said, finishing with a flourish.
I glanced at my watch. 8:50. “Sleep sounds good.” I said, desperate to get to work on time at least once this week. I said my goodbyes to the Mane six (Twilight said I had given her plenty of new study material! squee! Rainbow said I was a weirdo. I think she would like Dan) then headed hom
“Where do you think you’re going, Mr. Hero/ Ponyville's newest celebrity?” Berry asked. I was halfway up the stairs. It was 8:59.
“I... thought you said you wanted to get some beauty sleep?” I cast the die, but she was already pulling out a bottle.
“Oh come one, you just gave a talk to the whole town! I think that calls for a drink or five!”
And I was so close. Now I had to do something I really didn't want to.
I turned and walked back down the stairs.
I just couldn’t ignore the red flags anymore. Berry had a problem, and if I was really her friend, I should be trying to help her. I realized I was angry. Not because I was going to be late for work. I was angry at myself for not talking about it with her sooner.
“Berry, I... I think you drink too much.” I said evenly. The following silence was deafening.
She placed the bottle she had in her teeth on her table and turned to face me.
“You... do?”
I let out a sigh, trying to contain my emotions. “Yes. I think you drink too much. And for the wrong reasons.” All the elation from earlier had evaporated, leaving me only with concern and heartache.
Berry was quiet for a long, cold moment, staring at the floor. Then, in almost a whisper, “You don’t know me.”
“I know I haven’t known you long, but-”
“I SAID YOU DON’T KNOW ME!” She spat without warning.
I fell back onto my haunches in shock. This was going well. “Berry, please, I’ve seen you drink everyday since I’ve met you! You say it’s as celebration, but I think-” she cut me off again, storming right up to me.
“You know, you’re just like every other pony in this town! Just because I like drinking doesn’t make me an alcoholic! Just look at my cutie mark!” She turned slightly, showing me the grapes and strawberry on her flank. “Wine is my special talent. I enjoy it! It’s how I connect with other ponies; like YOU!” She was somehow towering over me, jabbing me with a hoof repeatedly.
I closed my eyes, “Berry, I... I know about your parents.” I said, playing the card I'd knew she'd force me to. I opened my eyes again to gauge her reaction and dodge any flying furniture, if necessary.
She backed away a little, her expression blank. I could see the tears forming.
“How dare you.” Berry said quietly as the first one dropped. My insides twisted at the utterance. "How dare you bring that up.” She wiped the tear and turned away from me. “You think nopony has ever made that connection? You think I like being asked if I drink because my parents died? To be reminded of it, over and over?”
She shouldered past me to the stairs, climbing the first few. Without turning she said in a wavering, quiet voice, “I thought y-you were different. But you’re just l-like them.”
Without another word she left, leaving me sitting in the dark. Is loneliness the price of trying to be a good friend? Seems a little ironic to me.
I felt broken inside.
I drank the bottle alone, waking up in my brown sheets sometime in the early afternoon.
There was a message from work. They said not to bother coming in for a while.
“Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly insane every night of our lives.” William Dement
What does it mean to be an alcoholic? Is it simply a chemical dependency, or can you be addicted to the atmosphere drinking with others creates?
Am I just making up excuses?
These were the questions I found myself asking no one in particular, just the empty house I was sitting in my underwear in. I also found myself wanting a drink, despite it being 11am. Maybe I'm the one with a drinking problem.
I was tearing myself apart on the inside, wanting to go back to sleep right away and attempt to fix the damage I had caused in my second life, but at the same time I kinda wanted to stay away from Ponyville, even for just one night. I just wanted normal dreams again, or even none at all. It was too much to juggle at once, and I was starting to come apart at the seams after only a week.
Those old, unanswered questions started creeping their way back into my mind. I still didn’t know what the dreams meant or where they came from. I only knew they were abnormal; nobody anywhere seemed to have dreams like mine. Could it be that I was somehow actually going to Ponyville every night? Was I crazy for even asking that? Was I crazy?
I’ve never ruled out that possibility. It's not like I would realize I'd lost my mind after all.
I think most of all; I just wanted to forget about it. Just for a little while. I didn’t want to have to think about my current probation from work, or the mysterious land of ponies I was visiting every night. I wanted to feel normal, with only one reality to worry about.
Before I had time to talk myself out of it, I was punching the numbers into my phone. I thought about kittens while it rang. Kittens and bacon.
“Hello?” Sandra asked once the ringing stopped. We hadn’t spoken in the week since we'd met, but just hearing her voice was enough to calm me down a little bit. It also reminded me that I hadn’t said anything yet.
“...Oh, hey Sandra, it’s Jon.” I sputtered. Though I still hate starting conversations on the phone, it had gotten a little easier. A week of introducing myself had done me some good, apparently. “How have you been?”
“Oh! Hey Jon! I’m good! I didn't think I was going to hear from you, brony!” So much for getting away from pony-talk. “Have any cool dreams recently?” So much for getting away from dream-talk.
“Yeah, I guess...” I didn’t really want to talk about my freaky dreams at the moment. Or did I? Would talking about it help? I had no fucking idea. You ever get that feeling where you’re not sure if you hungry or full? It was kinda like that. “So, what are you up to?”
“Just working on a few illustration projects right now, I’ve been at it aaaaaall morning.” I could hear the strain in her voice and assumed she was rubbing her face while she said it. "I... don't think I've been blinking as much as I should..."
“Do you... want to take a break? I could go for a coffee right about now.” An Irish coffee, that is. This was the first time I had ever asked a girl out on the phone, I hoped I wasn't fucking it up.
“Coffee sounds great! My eyes feel like they’re melting. Let’s meet at the Timmies on Danforth in 15 minutes.”
Holy shit.
There was no way this was happening. All my pony problems seemed to move to the very back of my mind instantly. They were still there, gnawing on my thoughts like a toothache, but effectively dulled.
I walked out of the chilly air and into the small coffee shop. It was filled with the usual suspects, young people like me, students bingeing on caffeine, and even a few hipsters typing away on macbooks. Some asshole in the back even had a damn typewriter. I spotted Sandra at a small table with two coffees already in front of her. I walked over and she waved.
“Hey, Jon! I got you a double-double, hope that’s okay.”
I sat down and took a big sip. “It’s just peachy, thanks.” I took off my coat and looked at the wonderful woman sitting across from me. The woman who had given me her number and agreed to have coffee with me. With me! I smiled.
“So, what's the latest and greatest? Still dreaming? Oh! Tell me about the last dream you had!”
Damn, that was fast. My smile waned a little. On the bus over, I thought about telling Sandra the truth. I really had no reason not to. She would probably think it was cool. Well, hopefully she would. At any rate, I could use some advice; I was clearly not doing well on my own.
Fuck it, here goes nothing.
“Well, actually, I’ve been having some really strange dreams lately. As far as I know, nobody’s having anything like them.” Most people wouldn’t be interested, but I guess Sandra isn’t most people. That’s probably why she was talking to me.
“Really? That’s so cool!” She sipped her coffee. “You know, I actually tried some of that stuff you mentioned last week and it worked! I dreamt I was on a huge wooden ship and a giant octopus attacked it! It was unreal! I even wrote it down when I woke up.”
I blinked. She had not only listened to what I had said in my drunken state last week, she tried it out. I involuntarily thought of Pina, then refocused on the reality I was in at the moment.
“Nice.” I extended a fist. “Brohoof.” I was going to do it. I was going to tell her everything.
“Brohoof!” She laughed, returning the gesture. “But anyway, go on about your abnormal dreams.”
Abnormal. Maybe this was a bad idea. Why am I so fucking indecisive? Whelp, too late now. “I've kinda been... returning to the same place every night. And everything is continuous, like in real life. I can have a conversation with some... body one day, and when I come back the next night, they’ll remember what we talked about.”
Sandra sipped her coffee again as she mulled that over. I did the same.
“Is that even possible?” She asked. Good fucking question.
“Apparently it is, though like I said, I don’t think anyone else has dreams like this.” I had been checking the forums periodically; they still thought I was full of shit.
“Hmmmm. Well, where do you go?” Fuck, she should be a reporter or something.
I lifted my cup and answered into it, “...Ponyville...” It was more of a mumble, but from the way her eyes opened up, I knew she had heard me.
“... What?” I couldn’t tell if she was interested, concerned about my sanity, or concerned about her safety. Not because she wasn’t clear, but at the same moment she asked, I nearly smacked my face off the table in front of us. I had nearly passed out from a sudden, intense sleepiness.
Oh no no nonono, not now. Not here!
“I... uh... I gotta go!” I got up to leave, standing unsteadily. I’d never been so tired, but I wasn’t about to pass out on the coffee shop floor. Not in front of Sandra. I turned to go.
“Wait! Where are you going?” She asked getting up to follow. I told you already...
“I... just g-gotta go.” I slurred, pushing my way out the front door, my coat only half on. The cold air outside helped wake me up a little, but another wave of sleep was hitting me even harder than the first one. Somepony really wanted my ass awake.
“Jon! WATCH OUT!” Sandra called from the shop. For what?
That's when I heard a deep horn blow and the sound of squealing brakes. They sounded far away, I was just so tired.
“CAP! WAKE UP NOW!” Berry shouted frantically, shaking me with gusto.
I jolted upright in the bed, my body twitching like all my nerve endings were being napalmed. I was just hit by a mother fucking bus! I'd heard of rude awakenings, but that was only half of it.
I took a moment, sitting with closed eyes, trying to stop the shaking and collect myself. Berry was still screaming at me, but I wasn’t listening. I wonder if she’s still mad at me?
"THEY TOOK PINA!” I heard her wail through the fog inside my head. My eyes opened and I saw Berry was crying. She was shaking worse than I was. Scattered screams from outside added themselves to Berry's lament, and it became clear things were not quite right. I guess my problems are going to have to wait. I decided.
I drifted out of my catatonic state with zen focus and fierce determination. “Calm down Berry, and start from the beginning. What is going on?”
She collected herself as I hopped out of the bed and went over to the small window in the room. “These...t-these things are attacking Ponyville!”
“What?!” I looked out at the chaos on the streets. Ponies were running and hiding all over, then I saw the 'things'. They were pony-shaped, but definitely not ponies. They way they moved, it was all wrong. Like they had no bones or inner structure.
“They b-b-burst in here and started searching around, then held me back and took Pina away! W-why didn’t you wake up?!” She wiped away her tears, only to have more take their place.
“I- I have condition... It’s, not important.” I began, letting the lie die before it could leave my lips. Bigger things were going on at the moment. What were these things? And why would they take Pina? The ones outside only seemed to be causing trouble; breaking windows and scaring ponies. I looked away from the window. “Did they take anything else?”
“Yes, they also took that book Pina has been carrying around.” Oh shit... “Her dream journal.”
I turned away from her. Why would they take her journal? …Unless they were looking for somepony who was dreaming…
This... was likely all my fault.
“Cap? What's wrong? What do we do!”
“Stay here, I’m going to find Pina and bring her back.” I was halfway out the door already.
“WAIT! I’m coming with you.” Berry followed me out. I put on the sternest “do as I say” face I could muster, then turned around...
And was met with a far sterner “I DARE you to say no” face from Berry. My resolve vapourized.
Ponyville was a mess. I had never seen it this late at night before, but I’m pretty sure there’s usually less screaming. The pony-shaped creatures were all over, but unless you call property damage and general shit-disturbing “evil”; this town had seen much worse. I caught sight of one of the creatures and ran over to give it a piece of my mind, (and a good thrashing,) getting my first good view of the things.
They had the crude shape of a pony, but seemed to be made of thick, black tar. Even in the dark I could see it bubbling and oozing. Their manes and tails were also made of the stuff. Pale, glowing eyes and a set of metal antennae on their heads completed the B-movie look. Some even had dripping wings and horns that appeared to be just for show. This is new. I thought, not recognizing the creatures from the cartoon. Must be some season 4 shit.
“HEY, SHITHEAD!” I called at the dripping monster. It stopped hatefully crushing flowers and turned in my direction, only it didn’t actually turn. The pony-like snout that was looking at the ground was absorbed into it’s head as another snout popped out in my direction. Its eyes flowed into place simultaneously, in possibly the creepiest act of head-turning I had ever witnessed.
“HALT, HABITANT.” It shouted, despite having no visible mouth. I didn’t halt though, I ran up and put a hoof through it’s fucking face. Like, all the way through and out the other side. It shook and bubbled furiously, mumbling incoherently. The goo it was made of was damn hot, but I hardly noticed. FUCK YEAH, ADRENALINE.
“Stuff it, fucker. Tell me what’s going on and where they took the girl RIGHT NOW or I will literally beat the tar out of you.” Taking a bus to the face had not left me in the best mood.
It mumbled again, shaking it’s head in what I assumed was a 'no, go eat a dick'.
“WHERE. IS. SHE.” I yelled, moving my leg in and out of it’s goo and essentially fucking it’s face with it. I don’t think it liked that.
I pulled out and it dropped to the ground. “Fool! I would never reveal our plans to a habitant-” It was interrupted by a crackle of electricity from it’s antennae. A throaty voice crackled from it.
“All units, continue pacification of Habitants. The mark has been received and is being processed at site Alpha. EVAC is set for 15 minutes”
I smirked at the tar pony as it bubbled in frustration. “So, you gonna tell me where site Alpha is, or do I have to beat it out of you?” I asked calmly.
“I WOULD NEVER-” I interrupted this time by bucking it in the face and splattering pitch all over a nearby house. A small, metal device with a pair of antennae and glowing eyes bounced off the wall and rolled onto the ground as the now headless monstrosity turned into a steaming puddle. It pointed an antenna weakly towards the outskirts of town.
Towards the field I had woken up in a week ago. Coincidence? Yeah fucking right.
I stomped down and crushed it under my hoof, releasing an explosion of sparks. “Let’s go.” I ran off, Berry close behind.
“What are they, Cap? I've never seen anything like that before!” She asked, struggling to match my hurried gait.
“I don’t know and I don’t care right now.” I replied. All that mattered was saving Pina. And maybe getting back at the fuckers who indirectly threw me under a bus.
“Morons! This is a child; she is of no importance to us. Where is the Anomaly?” The tar-robot-thing who appeared to be in charge demanded. Berry and I were hiding nearby in some bushes, listening intently. We could see Pina, she was being restrained by some sort of electric force field cage and flanked by 2 guards. Talk about overkill, she’s like 8 for fuck’s sake.
“But, she was at the waypoint! We found her recordings and everything!” One of them stammered, holding up Pina's dream journal.
“There are 5 entries in this book! Hardly the seasoned traveler we seek. Now get back out there and FIND THE ANOMALY!” shouted the commander, pacing around the small camp on goo hooves that would retract into it’s torso and protrude out again to move it forward.
“W-what about this one?” The other guard asked weakly.
“I will see to her. Get out of here NOW!” It bellowed. They took off immediately.
“This is our chance! There’s only one of them now.” Berry whispered. I watched; General Shit-Blob stood with its 'back' to us, reading through Pina’s journal. Damn, first they invade our town, and then they invade our privacy.
“Okay, get as close as you can to Pina but stay hidden. I’ll distract dipshit here, you open the cage and run.” I was doing a bad job of holding back swears, but I felt the situation called for proper curse words.
Berry nodded and moved off quietly. I got ready to hit the gooey bastard with a flying tackled when it started talking.
“Tell me, Habitant, who told you to record your travels?” It asked Pina.
She didn’t answer. She barely looked afraid. Major Horseapples didn’t like that. It turned and approached her energy cage with it’s weird, tar walking. “Speak! Or I shall make you wish you had!” It threatened. Now I really wanted to hit this douche, I mean, who threatens a child? “Tell me where the one we seek is! The one whose very presence here brings a foul stench to your world!”
Okay, getting a little personal here...
“I... read it in a book.” Pina said quietly to the dripping beast. Was Berry in position yet?
“YOU LIE!” It shrieked in a surprisingly unintimidating way.
“I’m not afraid of you! Cap is gonna save me!” Pina said bravely.
“...Cap?” Sergeant Shit-face repeated. Did somepony order up a heroic entrance?
I gracefully jumped out from the bushes and into the meadow, “I’m right here, Sergeant Shit-” and tripped over a tangle of undergrowth, landing on my face “Fuck!” I spat out dirt and grass and scrambled to my hooves.
Nice one, Mr. Hero.
“Shut up, brain.” I said under my breath. Everyone was staring at me now. “Ummm. Heya.”
“Cap! I knew you’d come!” Pina jumped excitedly, hitting the top of her force field prison and singeing her mane. She stopped jumping.
"So, you must be the Anomaly.” Tar-pony said, eyeing me up and down. I spat out more dirt. “How amusing.”
“Yeah, yeah, but all flattery aside; let her go and fuck off before I use you to pave my driveway.” I lowered my head and kicked up some dirt with a hoof. I don’t know if I looked like an idiot or not, but I felt bad as shit.
“This is not your place, Anomaly. What I am here to do must be done. The tumor must be removed. The error, rectified.”
It moved towards me in that freaky tar walk, calling me out on the violence card. Shit, why didn't I take those damn karate classes? I was paralyzed, this asshole meant business and I was... well, I was me. My ass was in for a kicking.
Just as I was about turn and run, Berry fell out of the bushes (man, fuck bushes) causing Lieutenant Turd-Nipples to turn and look. Without a second thought, I leapt into action and tackled the son of a bitch to the ground. I pummeled its head with my hooves, trying to smash the machine inside, but the slimy bastard was fast, dodging and blocking most of my strikes. I changed tactic and smashed at it’s antennae, breaking one in half and causing it to emit a loud burst of static. I covered my ears and received a buck to the gut for my momentary lapse in reason.
I flew off Colonel Colon and landed on my back a few feet away, wincing on the ground at what would surely be a few more bruises. I noticed Berry had reached the cage and was trying to get it open... by poking at it with a stick. Great, we’ll be out of here in no time.
“The time has come, Anomaly.” Tar-pony had gotten up and was plodding over to me. I needed to buy more time for Berry and her stick, so I tried to keep it talking (hoping it couldn't talk and punch at the same time.)
“Who are you guys? And what do you want with me?” I asked, trying to get on my hooves. I guess Admiral Asshole felt I should stay down because he ran over and slammed a hot tar-hoof on my chest, knocking the wind out of me and pinning me down.
“We are the keepers of order, and what we want should be clear.” It raised it’s other front hoof and it morphed into a sharp point. My final thought was Oh, that’s not good.
Or it would have been if Captain Cornhole’s radio hadn’t crackled to life with a high pitched squeal.
“All units, prepare for EVAC in 5 minutes. Requesting status update: where is the Mark? Respond.”
“Damn.” The bubbling mess on top of me said. I felt the heat from the hoof on my chest spread and I looked down to see it form a loop under my armpit (or...leg pit? whatever.) Hey, that kinda looks like a lasso I though. A second later I was flying through the air again. Another second later and I was lying on the ground in pain. Again.
“Attention! This is Unit Zero-One, the mark is at site Alpha. I repeat, the Anomaly is at site Alpha, send additional enforcement.”
Fuck. I tried to get up, but only managed to fall back on my face in pain. This is some rescue. My Brain reassured me.
“Got it!” I heard to my left. Berry had freed Pina! Never underestimate the power of a stick.
“Get out of here you two; I have the situation under control!” I shouted at them. Berry just looked confused.
“WATCH OUT!” Pina yelled. For what?
I turned around and found myself facing a pair of glowing, pupil-less eyes, floating in a thick, shitty stew. Oh, right.
'Zero-One' punched me in the throat, grabbing hold and wrapping a tar noose around my neck. It squeezed tight and lifted me off the ground.
“NO!” Berry cried. She broke into a speeding charge, aiming to ram right into Private Poop’s side. A moment before impact, one of it’s hind legs retracted into it’s body and shot out the side, hitting Berry square in the face. She fell onto the ground, out cold.
“Berry!” Pina ran over to her felled sister, crying. I coughed and wheezed and struggled, but to no avail.
“Fear not, Anomaly, for we will be done here soon.” It squeezed tighter and my struggling slowed. “I would not usually perform such dirty work myself...” Was it just me or was everything getting dark? “... but with such a high profile case like yours, I’m willing to make an exception and personally carry out the barbaric task.”
My eyes closed and I couldn't seem to open them. I thought I could hear Pina screaming, but then that faded out too.
There was only darkness now.
And silence.
Cold.
Dark.
Silence.
A white light.
It was so far away.
Getting closer.
Faster.
Wait, not white.
Rainbow.
I hit the ground hard, gasping for air. Hot tar puddled around me in the grass, and a now three-legged pony made of tar shrieked.
“CAP! RUN!” A raspy voice yelled from above. Rainbow Dash! She swooped in again and kicked Zero-One in the cheek. For a moment, I sat stupidly in front of the monster trying to murder me as it swatted at the flying cyan annoyance. A bright flash of purple light brought me back to my senses, and I turned to see Pinkie Pie using Twilight as a gatling laser, backed up by the rest of the Mane six.
Squee!
“Hello?! Get them out of here!” Rainbow called down, pointing at Berry and Pina. "Now!"
Oh right, the rescue!
I got up and bucked Deputy Douche in the chest for good measure, then ran over to help Pina lift her dazed sister off the ground.
“Is s-she gonna be okay?” Pina sobbed.
“She’ll be fine.” I croaked. It’s very hard to talk with a constricted windpipe.
The fight raged on behind us as Rarity and Fluttershy ran up to help me with the unconscious pony.
“Cap! Oh my goodness, is she alright?” Fluttershy asked. Yeah, I’m fine, thanks for asking. Not like I was almost choked to death or anything.
“Yeah, just get her out of here, I need to help the others!” I wheezed. Rarity’s horn glowed and Berry floated delicately onto her back. Fluttershy lifted Pina and the four of them left the clearing that was site Alpha.
Pina looked back at me and shouted, “Be careful, Cap!” then they were gone.
Okay, objective one complete. I almost died, but they’re safe. Now I just have to deal with...
A cry from behind. Rainbow was down! Zero-One had swatted her out of the air with a grotesque tar appendage. I galloped over as the others moved to protect their fallen friend. Twilight launched a barrage of laser fire, landing several hits on it’s body that only seemed to slightly bother our gooey foe.
“Twilight! Aim for it’s head! It’s controlled by a little machine inside attached to those antennae!” I shouted, drawing its attention back to me. It sprung forward with malicious intent.
Fuck.
Suddenly, a loop of rope shot out of the darkness and snared the bastard’s broken antennae before it reached me. Applejack pulled on the other end with her teeth as hard as she could and yanked the little robot out of its bubbling skull.
"Gotcha now, ya sticky varmint!" Applejack drawled with southern glee.
“No!” Zero-One-Testicle shrieked, flailing its tar legs and catching the metal device in it’s goo-hooves. (Gooves?)
“Evac in 30 seconds. WHERE IS THE ANOMALY!” His radio crackled.
“NO!” it shrieked again. Zero-One's black tail disappeared into its body as a thin strand of tar coiled its way down the rope with incredible speed; smacking Applejack in the muzzle and causing her to release the rope. Zero-One shoved the machine back into it’s head and reared my way again.
Twilight moved in, protected by a shield spell, and laser beamed the shit out of it’s face. The tar bubbled and melted; revealing patches of the metal device underneath, but did no permanent damage. It roared and slammed it’s front legs on the ground as half of it’s body vanished. An instant later the missing tar burst up under Twilight, inside her shield. She let out a yelp as the hot substance slammed into her ribs.
Pinkie jumped in next, pushing a large cannon that she apparently had stashed nearby (for cannon related emergencies, no doubt.) She fired and filled the clearing with an explosion of confetti. When the dust settle, Unit Zero-One stood there confused, covered in little bits of coloured paper that stuck to his body.
Pinkie giggled, “Teehee, he looks like a piñata!” It turned on her, glaring menacingly.
“Ha... ha..?” She smiled nervously. Zero-One boiled hard, burning the confetti sticking to it’s body. Its arm turned into what looked like a large frying pan and crashed into Pinkie Pie, sending her flying into her group of friends who were trying to get up after their individual beat downs.
And just like that, I was the only one left standing. The boiling monster recollected itself and turned towards me.
Oh, fuck.
“Evac in five… four…”
Oh,YES!
It walked slowly in my direction. I was frozen in place, like a cheerleader in a horror movie right before she gets stabbed.
“Three… Two…”
He was standing right in front of me now, staring down into my soul. I could smell burning paper on top of the horrid, sickly tar stink of it’s body. It leaned in close.
“We will be back for you.” It said.
“…One. Zero.”
A bright flash, and I was alone, breathing heavily and trying not to pee myself. For a brief moment, everything was calm and quiet.
Peaceful.
Then the others began to pick themselves up and Twilight marched right up to me.
“Night Cap. What in the name of Celestia is going on here?.” She growled between clenched teeth.
“One time, I had this dream where I was totally making out with a smokin' mermaid; and she was like, ‘I want you to fertilize my eggs!’' and I was all, ‘No way, Bitch!’ then I punched her tits off.” -Dan
I remember the first time I went camping for a weekend with my friends.
We set up our tents, organized our supplies, built a fire, then proceeded to drink and smoke our faces off for the next two days and nights. It was glorious. It was also the first time I really hung out with Dan, long before we became roommates and friends. After three days of consecutive substance abuse, we all had to go home, with varying degrees of hangover (varying from “Oh God, I want to kill myself,” to, “Oh God, I want to kill everything that has ever existed.") Good times.
The night after I got back, I woke up in the pitch blackness of night, and my alcohol soaked brain thought I was still out camping in my tent. Confused, I called out for my friends, but no one answered back. There was a terrifying moment of disorientation and loneliness before I realized I was at home, in my own bed, and everything was fine.
I was experiencing a similar feeling now, as I shot up in my bed and was greeted by a dark room, unsure of my surroundings. The only source of light came from the pale moonbeans filtering in through a small window. The only sound was my own heavy breathing. And crickets.
I did know where I was. And I knew I was alone.
With a sigh, I rubbed my sleepy red eyes with my red hooves. I was still in Ponyville; the same place I had been every time I awoke with a start for the last three nights in a row.
I was in Ponyville... and I was trapped here.
I ran a hoof through my unkempt mane and rolled onto my side. I probably wasn’t going to be getting any sleep tonight, and it was only a matter of time before the 'Unwelcome Thought Train' pulled into the station. Just as it had for three nights in a row.
I wonder if I’m dead at home?
Choo, choo, all aboard motherfuckers.
I attempted to derail the thought before it could pick up steam by flipping onto my stomach and placing a pillow over my head. I knew where this thought train would take me; and if the empty bottles on the floor around me were unable to stop it, I doubted a pillow would be any more successful.
Using my meditation tricks, I managed to push those thoughts away, only for them to be replaced by another memory I'd been reliving in my head; the aftermath of the attack on Ponyville, and the choice words Twilight Sparkle had for me.
“Well?!” Twilight demanded again, tapping a hoof expectantly.
I sat with her and her friends in the field I had entered their world in, trying to avoid eye contact with the angry unicorn. Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Rainbow Dash were helping each other up in the aftermath of our fight with the dickheaded tar-pony, Unit Zero-One, and were making their way over to see why Twilight was yelling at me.
“Oh- I... I... ummm,” I stammered stupidly. What else could I say? Certainly not the truth. I guess that makes this the part of the story where all your lies come crumbling to pieces, my brain informed me. Fuck, I really hate that part.
Twilight sighed and rubbed her temple with a hoof, the spread her arms and gestured around us, “Look. Just look what’s going on here!” She stomped hard on the ground, “I know you have something to do with it, just tell me what’s going on!”
“Woah there, let’s all simmer down now,” Applejack stepped in, trying to quell her friends rising anger, “No need ta get all riled up-”
It didn’t work.
Twilight rounded on the cowpony, “NO!” She shouted, staring down the orange mare, “I knew there was something strange about him, I knew it from the moment I met him! But, against my better judgement, I was still willing to trust him. Only now I find out he’s been lying to us all this whole time!”
Applejack gasped and looked at me. I couldn't bear seeing the hurt in her eyes, so I looked at the ground. Oh, hello grass, how are you doing?
"Is it true Cap? Have ya been lying ta us?” Applejack made the word sound like acid that burned her tongue as she said it, and I just couldn’t face her. One does not simply lie to the Element of Honesty.
“Come on Twilight, this is Cap we're talking about! He wouldn’t lie to us!” Pinkie chimed in. Oh, please don’t try to stand up for me. “Isn’t that right Cap?” Boy, this grass sure is interesting, I wondered what it tasted like. Probably like grass.
“He has been lying to us, and I can prove it to you,” Twilight said, a hint of sadness in her words. There was no pleasure in what she said, no smugness at all. She was doing what she had to to protect her friends. Her real ones. “Those creatures that attacked Ponyville? They have the same atypical magical aura as HE does!” She snapped, pointing an accusatory hoof at me.
There was a gasp from all the ponies present, followed by a heavy silence. I was still staring at the ground, but I could feel all four sets of eyes burning into me.
Wow, okay. Good luck with this, I’m just... gonna step out for a few. Okay? Bye.
Gee, thanks for the help brain. I continued to stare at the ground.
“Wait, does that mean he’s one of them?” Rainbow Dash asked, moving between me and her friends.
“I’m not sure. What does it mean, Night Cap?” Twilight demanded, letting the implication hang in the air for a moment.
“I’m... I...”
I was at a loss. Absolutely no idea what to say. There was no saving my bacon this time. Luckily, Rainbow dashed in to help me out.
"What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?” She pushed her face into my personal space, “Well?! Spit it out already?”
“You’re not one of those gross, gooey guys!... Are you?” Pinkie asked. AJ was just quiet, adopting the same 'taking care of business' look Twilight was wearing.
“N-no, I’m... not one of them. I... I’ve never seen anything like that in my life.” I said quietly.
“And you expect us to believe that?” asked Rainbow, taking to the air above me. She had my number. There was no way out of this, and I should have told them everything, right then and there. And maybe I would have, if my brain hadn’t excused itself earlier. Why do I have so many of teh stupids?
Instead of doing the right thing, I said meekly, “Th- they were trying to kill me!” Yeah, that oughta clear things right up.
“Oh yeah? And why is that?” Rainbow swooped in again, “Not doing a good enough job spying on us?”
They all stood there, waiting for my answer. I scanned the damning looks I was getting from the ponies I thought I'd made friends with. They weren’t really my friends though, they were friends with the lie I had created. The facade of Night Cap from Manehattan.
I may not have know what the tar things were or where they came from, but I did know why they wanted me dead, and I knew they were right. I could at least give them that. “It’s because I don’t belong here.” I admitted to myself. It didn’t matter what I said now. They would be back for me sooner or later, and they would finish the job next time. I probably wouldn’t even try to stop them. Let me tell you, desolation is a shitty feeling.
The was another pregnant pause that felt like it lasted an eternity. Twilight eventually broke it, saying, “I’m sending a letter to Princess Celestia tonight. She’ll deal with... whatever you are when she gets here. Until then, I would make myself scarce in town, and stay where we know we can find you.”
This was not a suggestion. I was no longer trusted by the Elements of Harmony and that meant I was no longer trusted by anypony.
I looked around the field I had taken my first unsteady steps in Equestria in. It was so bright a vibrant then, with birds singing and a bubbling brook nearby. Serene. I remembered how excited I was with my new body. How I had finally reached the goal I was aiming for; lucid dreaming.
The field I was in now was dark and cold. An early autumn wind was blowing through the bird-less trees, rattling their branches and causing their trunks to creak loudly. Twilight kept her hard gaze upon me. Rainbow looked like she’d attack me if I made any sudden movement. Pinkie was fighting back tears. And Applejack, my old favourite, was staring daggers at me. Sharp ones.
I looked down at my hooves and tried to tell myself things would work out okay. I knew they wouldn’t, though.
I rolled onto my back again, thinking heavily on the memory I had finished replaying for the 20th time. Why couldn’t I tell them then? Why have I still not told them? If I just came clean, maybe they could help me?
I threw off my blanket with a groan and sat up in the bed. The answer was crushingly obvious.
Because you don’t deserve their help.
Oh hey brain, glad to have you back. Asshole.
As much as I wanted to slam my head against the wall to silence it, my brain was right. I had lied to everypony I had met, and my continued presence here alone put them in danger. AND, I had the audacity to consider them my friends. I had no right to do that.
Rolling out of bed, I quietly began gathering my few possessions. I was leaving Ponyville. Tonight. I had made my proverbial bed, and now it was time to sleep in it. No point risking the lives of others. If and when the gooey Gak ponies came back for me, I would be as far as possible from anyone else they can harm.
“...Cap?” A small voice whispered from the doorway.
Pina. Great.
“What are you doing?” She asked, eyeing my half-packed packed bags in confusion.
I sighed. I wasn’t about to keep lying, which unfortunately meant I had to tell her the truth. “I’m leaving.”
Pina was quiet for a moment. I continued packing, stuffing apples into my saddle bags. “For how long?”
I didn’t answer, which served to answer her question anyways.
“Please, please don’t go.” she whispered. I kept packing my things, trying to ignore the sounds of tears hitting the carpeted floor. “Wh-whose gonna teach me to dream if you’re gone?”
I stopped, then put down my bags and faced her. The crying pink filly almost made my heart to explode in my chest, but I forced myself to talk. She needed to hear what I was about to say.
“Pina. I want you to stop writing your dream journal and forget everything I ever said about dreams.” I was dead serious, which must have frightened her, because she flinched backwards a step.
“What? Why?” the filly asked. I sighed again, something I’d been doing with increasing regularity.
How come kids always have to know ‘why’?
“Because,” I began, letting my experience speak for me, “you should focus on living. As fun as dreams are, they are not life, just a reflection of it. If you try to live through your dreams, you’ll forget to live while you’re awake. I don’t want that to happen to you.”
Pina looked away and fell quiet. I went back into the room, put on my bags, and walked past her on my way out.
“I think you're wrong Cap.” She said. I stopped and looked back at the small pink figure.
“I think,” she thought for a moment. “well, I think there’s more to dreams than what most ponies think.”
Ain’t that the truth. I thought
“I got my cutie mark a few months ago,” Pina continued, examining her flank and the tropical island and palm tree on it, “it was right after we started learning geography in school. I’ve never left Ponyville before, but hearing about all these far away places was so cool! I wanted to learn more, so I got some map books and stayed up all night reading them. I read about the Griffon Kingdom, and the Zebra lands, it was all so amazing! When Berry woke me up for school the next day, I had my cutie mark.”
She looked back at me, smiling a sad smile, “I was so excited! I just knew it was my destiny to see the whole world!” Her smile faded a little as she continued. “...But... well, Berry says we can’t really afford to go anywhere that far away, so I still haven’t even begun yet. It’s silly, but I was hoping I could... travel in my dreams instead.”
I was too exhausted to be shocked by her eloquence. What she said made a lot of sense, and was not far from what I had been attempting to do with my own dreams. That’s why I was worried; she was making my mistakes, and I was the one who told her how.
“Look Pina. If you keep doing that, one day you won’t be able to tell the difference between the dreams and reality.” I said sternly. “Please, don’t let that happen.”
I turned and left, not expecting to ever see her again. I didn’t hear any tears this time.
It was fittingly cold outside. I closed the front door to Berry’s small home and dug into my bags for the scarf Rarity had given me when we were still friends. Well, when she still believed we were friends. It was gray and red and apparently “went so well with my coat that she wouldn’t dream of charging me for it.” I wonder how she took the news of my betrayal?
I heard a small creak from behind me and turned to see the door was ajar, and a purple face was staring at me from the darkness. “You know, there’s not much point of sneaking out when everypony knows you’re doing it.” Berry said with a smile, stepping onto her porch.
Berry Punch. The first pony I’d met. The first pony I’d lied to.
“I’m leaving, Berry.” I said, wrapping the scarf around my elongated neck.
"No shit.” She said back. Despite all that was going through my mind, I started giggling. She joined in and soon we were both laughing like mad-ponies in the dead of night. It was a nice laugh though, the kind you have with old friends.
We finished laughing and our eyes met briefly. Then she looked away and said, “I’m... sorry. About flipping out on you earlier. You were just trying to help me and... I overreacted.”
"You don’t have to apologize,” I said, placing a hoof on her shoulder, “I’m the one who’s been lying to you. But I want to come clean. In fact, you should know that I’m not really fro-” I was cut off by a hoof over my muzzle.
"Hey, if I’m not gonna tell you my secrets Cap, you certainly don’t have to tell me yours.” She said, removing her hoof and placing it quietly on the ground.
I set mine down as well. “Well, okay then.” We stood in silence for a moment as the stiff breeze blew through the town.
“Are you sure? Cause it’s a pretty big and, frankly, crazy secret that would change everything you think you know about me.” I said, spoiling the quiet moment. I had been thinking about telling someone for so long that I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get to now. If anyone should know the truth, it was her.
Berry rolled her eyes with a giggle, “That’s why I don’t want you to tell me.” She whispered as she leaned in close. Really close. What was she...! She was rubbing her muzzle against mine! I’ve praised my red coat and its awkward-blush hiding abilities before, but I knew this time it didn’t even matter. My face felt like it was glowing with infrared light.
She’s... she’s nuzzling me! That’s WEIRD! Is it weird? It’s kinda like an eskimo kiss if you think about it, that’s all. It’s not like she sucked my d-
“Okay! I should... go. Now.” I said abruptly, breaking off the embrace. As shocked and confused as I was, I’m pretty sure I was grinning like an idiot.
Berry gave a laugh, then sighed heavily and gave me a hug. “Goodbye Night Cap. Thank you for rescuing me and my little sis. And for being a good friend.”
Her words, though she meant them, stung me. I had probably been the one who alerted the Jackalope on the day we met. Pina was captured because the Gak ponies thought she was me. And I was definitely not a good friend. Friends don’t lie to each other.
In the end, she'd only reminded me why I was leaving.
“Goodbye, Berry Punch.” I said, walking away from the house and down the vacant street. I turned back after a few steps and said, “Though you should know, I’m actually a terrible friend. It’s kind of why I have to go.”
“No,” She said back, “You’re leaving because you feel you have to. You’re not a terrible friend Cap, you just have really bad judgement.”
I wandered through the dark, empty streets of Ponyville, taking in the town for the last time. The show really doesn’t do it justice, even at night the town had a beautiful air to it. It felt familiar, like an old medieval town from a movie but with cartoony curves and shapes. I sure was going to miss it.
I knew from the maps I'd borrowed from Twilight that the closest town to Ponyville was far off to the South, and Canterlot was even further to the North East, so I took the West road out of town. This was, ironically, the very road I had entered town from the first time.
Walking past the picturesque homes and a newly repaired Town Hall, I pulled the loose knot of my scarf tighter with my mouth. I walked along the dirt road as the buildings gave way to the looming, dark trees of Sweet Apple Acres. I pulled out one of the apples I had in my back, suddenly longing to taste the delicious apple goodness. I munched quietly as I walked and soon Fluttershy’s home appeared in the distance, though all the lights were off.
I had expected her to visit me while I was under house arrest, but after 3 days I hadn’t heard a peep. I suspected the others were keeping her away. As they had every right to do. It really only made things easier for me, though I felt awful for putting the kindly pegasus through such an ordeal.
I finished the apple and walked away from the cottage, leaving the town behind for good.
Navigating by starlight proved to be a real pain in the ass. Especially since any sort of cloud cover reduces the already dim light to total blackness. I lost the path very quickly and gave up trying to find it again.
After few minutes of walking in the dark woods, bumping into a couple trees, and several failed attempts to figure out which way West even was, I emerged into an open space. I stood in the dark void, wondering where the hell I was when the clouds finally broke and gave me some light. I looked around and realized I was in a very familiar clearing.
What is it about this place? I thought, taking in the field once again. It seemed like just a regular old patch of grass, but for some reason, a being from another dimension had spawned here less than two weeks ago. Then a bunch of robots with tar bodies showed up here as well. Maybe there was more to this place than nice scenery?
"What the hell, may as well look around.” I said out loud, falling back into my old habits.
I spent a few minutes lying on the ground in one place, then moving to another, trying to find the exact spot I had awoken in this world. Soon enough, I was sure I had it. I laid still for a long while, picturing my brown sheets and the sounds of highway traffic. Maybe there was some sort of portal that would zip me home with the magically unexplained powers of deus ex machina or some other bullshit.
Nothing happened for a few minutes, then, after a few more, it continued not to.
“I don’t know what I expected...” I said with a shiver. “Man, fuck this.” I pulled out a spare blanket I had 'borrowed' from Berry’s guest room. I hoped she would understand. I wrapped it around myself and closed my eyes. The sun would be up in a few hours and I could continue my self imposed exodus tomorrow, when I could see better and use the sun for direction.
Or the Gaks could come back and kill you in your sleep. My brain pointed out for me.
Meh. That would save me some walking. Optimism!
Unfortunately, the Unwelcome Thought Train was rolling already. I tried desperately to derail it by thinking of something other than being murdered in my sleep.
How about you think about how Dan’s going to get evicted ‘cause he can’t pay the rent ‘cause you’re dead? My brain suggested.
Yeah, much better, stupid asshole brain.
I pulled out the half bottle of whiskey I had in my bag. I'd like to say I wasn’t planning on drinking it the on my first night out, but that would not really be true, and I’m done lying. I took several big sips and was able to redirect my thoughts back to the first time I went camping with my friends.
We drank way too much that weekend, Dan and I especially. The booze was always warm too, because we couldn’t fit it all in the tiny cooler we brought and we drank it faster than it could chill. At least I didn’t barf in our tent. Well, I don’t think I did anyway, my memories from that weekend are a tad fuzzy.
I finished the bottle of whiskey and drifted off to sleep, wishing for a campfire and someone to share it with.
“What the fuck? What is this shit?” I heard Dan say.
Dan!
My eyes flicked open, hoping to see his face and (most likely) a room in a hospital. A human hospital! With ugly nurses and shitty food and...
That’s not where I was. I was still lying in the field, buried under my blanket. I was still a pony and I was still trapped and alone and etc, etc. I was getting sick of having this realization every time I woke up. The sun was up now, but I didn’t feel like moving just yet, so I resettled under the warm blanket.
I was so sure I'd heard his voice, though. Maybe it was just a dream? A normal one?
“Funny, I don’t remember the last time I had one of those...” I mumbled to myself.
“Woah! Who said that?” Dan’s voice said again.
I shot instantly awake, getting tangled up in my blanket, “Dan? Dan!”
“Jon? Is that... you?” Another voice asked. This one was female.
“SANDRA?!” I called, tearing the blanket from over my face. My jaw dropped.
Lying before me and struggling to stand were two ponies I had never seen before. A buff, dark blue pegasus and a seafoam green unicorn with a beautiful blond mane. They looked at each other, then back at me.
“Jon?... What’s going on? Where am I and... why are you a pony?” The green unicorn asked.
I was speechless. How could this be? Could they actually be here? AND WHAT IS UP WITH THIS FIELD?!
“God dammit Jon. What kind of gay pony shit have you gotten me into?” The pegasus said.
I had never been so happy to hear someone say “gay pony shit.”
“Friends are like fancy cheese. They go great with wine and are nice to have, but sometimes, they really, really stink.” Anonpony.
“Are you telling me we’re actually IN Equestria?!” Sandra said with a mixture of shock and excitement. The pretty girl I had met in another reality was now, somehow, a seafoam green unicorn with a blonde mane and what looked like the Paint Bucket icon from Photoshop as a cutie mark. “AND WE’RE PONIES!” She was jumping around like a kangaroo on crack, overcoming her initial unsteadiness on four legs way faster than I had. Must have been the crack...
“Y- yes?” I said, still stunned by their sudden appearance. How did they even get here? I remembered Sandra saying she had tried out some of my dream techniques, but it had taken me months to get this far. And Dan? Well, I’m pretty sure all he dreams about is... actually, I don’t even want to know.
He was currently studying his buff, blue body. It had a short mane and tail that were jet black and a pair of MMA sparring gloves on it’s flanks, which I thought was strange, considering they had finger holes. “This is so... so...” He said to himself, “...laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame! I can’t believe I’m in a stupid kids show for little girls! AND, you two losers are actually FANS of this shit. Who is she anyway?” Dan huffed, then leaned back too far and fell over, clearly not experiencing the same excitement that offset Sandra’s disorientation.
“...This is Sandra, the girl from the bar, remember?” I said. He was the one who introduced us in the first place (though I suppose she was human then...)
“Nope, guess I didn’t recognize her with a tail and forehead penis. Plus, I go to bars to drink and not remember stuff. Unlike you dorks.” He said while struggling to right himself.
“Whatever man, Sandra and I are part of an amazing fandom that-” I tried to say but was interrupted when he made another monumental discovery.
“What the hell? Do I have... wings?” Dan asked, lifting off his back and staring at the feathery appendages.
I stopped defending my off-beat interests and stared. Dan. Had wings. He was a god damned pegasus. I looked over at Sandra and her green forehead peni- horn. She was a goddamn unicorn.
Son of a bitch.
“Son of a bitch!” I swore, “How come up guys get to fly and have magic? That’s just not fair!”
“Magic? Wait, am I a unicorn?” Sandra asked, lifting a hoof and touching the hard protrusion on her forehead. “Oh my God, I am totally am!” She cried, exploding into another fit of jumping and blathering.
“Hey! Check me out. I can fuckin' fly!” Dan laughed. He was flapping his wings with visible effort, hovering half a foot off the ground. The guy was teetering in every direction as though he'd pitch over at any moment, and pedaling his legs furiously like it was helping, but he was fuckin' flying! He also had the biggest, stupidest looking smile on his face. He noticed I was staring at him and it vanished immediately.
Dan fell back to the ground with a thud and tried to look casual. “This is still pretty gay and stuff though.”
“Wow this is freaky!” I heard Sandra say. Her face was scrunched up with strain and her horn was glowing with a pale green light. The same light appeared around my saddle bags, which slowly tipped over. She exhaled deeply, “Did you... huh.. see that?!”
I couldn’t hold it in any longer, “Okay, stop! It’s great you guys and fly and use magic and I’m insanely jealous, but can we PLEASE just focus for a minute!” The others stopped their experimentations and shared an embarrassed look. Well, Sandra looked embarrassed, Dan was still testing his stupid wings.
“First things first, am I dead? Did that bus kill me?” I asked with all the prose and eloquence of a deranged lunatic.
“You think you’re dead?” Sandra asked.
“I’m not dead here, but I haven’t been able to get home.” I said back.
“How the hell am I supposed to fly forward with these-?” Dan asked.
“JUST TELL ME IF I’M FUCKING DEAD OR NOT!” I cried, losing my patience, cool and temper.
Sandra winched, “No, Jon, you’re not dead. You’re... in a deep coma at St. Michael’s hospital.”
I sat down hard on the grass, partly relieved but still scared. How bad is a deep coma? People recover from that... right? This opened up a whole new round of questions that swam around in my head like fish at feeding time. What I really needed was some time to sit down and try to piece it all together. Unfortunately, I was with Dan.
“So, horseface, are you going to tell us what that fuck is up? Like, how’d you get here? How’d WE get here and, most importantly, how does this make any sense?” What’s Dan complaining about? He’s got fucking wings. Also, he had a horse face too.
Moronic insults aside, I collected my thoughts and began trying explain the whole crazy thing, piecing it together as I went, “Okay, well, as you both know, I’ve been messing around with dreaming techniques.” Sandra nodded, Dan stifled a laugh. I ignored it and continued, “Somehow, I think I managed to... wake up in another dimension. Here.” I gestured around at the empty field.
“And this is Equestria? Like, for real-real? You’re sure?” Sandra asked, perking up like an episode of My Little Pony was about to unfold right in front of her.
“I’m pretty sure. Ponyville is not far from here actually.” I said.
“‘Ponyville’? Really?” Dan quipped.
“Ponyville! Really!!” Sandra bounced. “Did you go there? What’s it like! Are there other ponies?! GASP, Did you meet Rainbow Dash!!” Yah, she actually just said the word gasp out loud.
“Sandra! Hold your hors... just, shut up for a second, both of you.” I said, rubbing my temples. As happy as I was to have my friends with me, they were making my head hurt. “Yes, I’ve been there and yes, it’s awesome beyond all form of description.”
“Psshhh, I doubt that...” Dan said with an eyeroll. He was flapping his wings again in an attempt to fly, which bugged me to no end.
“Can it, dickwad. So, somehow, I’m able to move between the two dimensions. I go to sleep in one and wake up in the other. Well, until that bus hit me, that is. I haven’t been able to wake up at home since, so I’ve been stuck here. Oh yeah, and some tar-robot-things are trying to kill me. I think they might be aliens.”
That hung in the air for a moment. “What?!” Sandra cried.
“Yeah, they like me being here,” I told them, “they tried to kill me four nights ago and I’m sure they’ll be back to finish the job.”
“They tried to kill you? Why didn’t you get help? Where are the Mane Six?!” Sandra asked, looking around as if they were waiting for their cue to jump out of the nearby bushes. Those fucking bushes...
“What the hell’s a ‘main six’?” Dan asked. He was haphazardly flying around, barely above the ground. Bastard.
"They’re the main characters from the show. Can you cut that out for one goddamned minute? It's very distracting.” He stopped flapping and landed hard on his hooves, stumbling slightly to regain his balance and falling on his face. “Thank you. And they did help me, that’s why I’m not dead.”
“You actually met them?! Where are they!”
“Well... I kinda lied to all of them and they sort of hate my guts.” I said dejectedly.
Sandra gasped in shock, “You lied to the mane six? What is wrong with you!”
“What? I thought this was all a freaky dream! I just went along with it! I thought I’d wake up or something if I told them, and all I wanted was a chance to hang out with ponies and have awesome adventures. Now I’ve fucked up everything and they all hate me. So I came out to this field to wait for the tar-things to come back and fix my stupid mistake...” I slumped on the soft grass, my emo tirade finished for the moment. It felt good to finally come out with all this, like putting it into words made it less crazy somehow.
Sandra sighed, then walked up to me and wrapped me in a surprisingly coordinated hug, catching me completely off guard. “I’m sorry, Jon. Just... a little overwhelmed right now; what with being in another dimension that happens to be Equestria. Also, I’m... glad to see you. ” She said, releasing me from the hug. “I was right there when the bus hit you, I thought you’d be dead for sure! I tried to call an ambulance, but I kept dropping my phone cause my hands were shaking so bad...”
“Thanks for that, by the way.” She smiled, and I smiled back. I’d been so concerned with my problems I had forgotten how much I enjoyed her company.
“Uuuh, get a room why don’t you.” Dan said, frowning down at us from the dizzying altitude of 24 inches. He was probably just mad because I was getting the girl for once.
“Shut up, Dan.” I said, chucking an apple from my bag at him and causing him to lose control and crash land.
“What? I was being serious, asshole!” He said, flapping hard and lifting off the grass, “You’d probably be better now too, since you got a big horse di-”
“STOP! NOPONY MOVE!” A booming voice demanded. The three of us jumped and Dan fell out of the air head first. A streak of rainbow light exploded around us, and when the dust cleared, the commanding figured of Rainbow Dash stood poised to attack before us.
“Rai... rain... it’s Rain... bow.” Sandra sputtered, devolving back to hyper-fan mode.
Rainbow locked her angry gaze on me and trotted over with a scowl, “So! Thought you could just walk out of town and escape, huh? Not on my watch, buster!”
“Actually, I did just walk out of town. Like, hours ago." I said, "You were watching me?”
“Of course I was! Well, maybe not the whole time...” Rainbow admitted, her confidence wavering momentarily.
"Rain... bow...” Sandra said, gawking blankly with her mouth hanging open.
“Ummm, is she okay?” Rainbow asked, then shook her head and refocused, “Whatever! Night Cap; you’re coming with me back to Ponyville! Now!” She easily lifted off the ground (to Dan’s amazement) and gestured at the others. “And your spy friends are coming too, Twilight is waiting, and the Princess will be here to deal with you any minute!”
“Twilight? Hahahah! And a princess?! Ahhhhahahaha!” Dan said, laughing his stupid ass off, “Twenty bucks says she’s pink!” He was rolling on the ground at this point.
Rainbow moved in a blur and pinned him down before I could tell him to shut his face hole, “She is not pink! How dare you insult the princess like that! Why I otta-” Her threat was cut short when Dan’s MMA training took over. With incredible speed, he grabbed Rainbow behind her neck and flipped her onto the ground, pinning her in return.
“Ow! What the- Get offa me!” She squirmed to no avail. “How did you even do that?”
“It’s a standard reversal, now, who are you? And why did you call Jon ‘Night Cap’?” He demanded, assuming the role of interrogator.
“IT’S RAINBOW DASH!!” Sandra cried several decibels above what would be considered an acceptable volume.
“HOW DO YOU DASH A RAINBOW?!” Dan yelled at a similar volume.
"WHAT KIND OF NAME IS JON?!” Rainbow shouted up from the ground.
I’m so glad my friends were here to help me.
“EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I CALL THE GLUE FACTORY!” I bellowed over the rising din.
For a moment there was glorious silence as the ponies around me stared with wide eyes. Then, Rainbow used the distraction to throw Dan off her and take to the air.
“Hey! Get back here, prisoner!” Dan called at the floating pony, trying to follow her upwards.
Rainbow swooped down and knocked him back to the ground, “NO! You are MY prisoners, and you’re all coming with me now! Got it?”
“No fair! Come down here and fight me like a man!” Dan replied.
“Fight like a... what?”
“RAINBOW DASH CAN I HAVE AN AUTOGRAPH!” Sandra shouted, her excitement still not entirely under control.
“STOP IT!” I shouted, hoping to nip the retardary in the bud this time, “We’re ALL going to go with Rainbow Dash into Ponyville,” I held up a hoof to silence a giddy outburst from Sandra, “and I don’t want to hear a peep until we get there. I’ll explain everything once we reach Twilight, I promise.” I said to Rainbow. She nodded with a look that scream 'damn straight you will.'
Sandra got a hold on herself and looked at me worriedly before whispering, "Everything as in... Everything...? Isn't that like a fandom taboo in our situation...?" I gave her dead panned look and just mouthed the words ‘trust me’.
From above, the cyan pegasus eyed us all suspiciously, “Fine. but I’m in charge, and that means what I say goes.” She zipped over to the edge of the clearing and pointed with a blue hoof. “Now, MARCH. Ya bunch of freaky weirdos...”
And so we marched.
Then... Dan spoke again. “Quick question.”
No. Don’t say it. Whatever it is, don’t you fuckin-
"What’s with the rainbows? You a dyke or something?”
Rainbow looked at him in stark confusion. Sandra stood there with her mouth agape.
And I just lost it.
I galloped over and slammed him with a tackle, knocking him to the soft grass and exploding into a fit of punches, bucks and expletives.
Several minutes and many bruises later, we were walking slowly into town. Rainbow flew overhead, monitoring us closely. She hadn't known what to do during the fight, so she just watched... and laughed. A lot. Sandra had to pry us apart with her newly acquired, though grossly insufficient, telekinetic abilities. In the end, she had given up and let us sort things out (taking time to assault Rainbow Dash with a myriad of questions I couldn’t overhear.) So, now we walked in silence, to the relief of my ears, brain and overall sanity.
That is, until Fluttershy’s cottage came into view and rekindled Sandra's fan-gasm. “Oh my God! Is that what I think it is?” She asked, shattering the quiet with the force of a million exploding suns.
“Yes. It’s Fluttershy’s place. Very cozy, actually.” I said distantly. I was trying to figure out what I would say to Twilight and Princess Celestia once we reached the library, using the all too brief quiet while it lasted. Not like it was really helping, I was mostly drawing blanks.
“What’s with you two? You’re obsessed with a show for kids and it’s weird.” Dan said, effectively ending quiet-time. He was plodding along grumpily because Rainbow wouldn’t let him fly. Not because she thought he might try and fly off; after crashing twice she'd simply forbade him from trying in an effort to spare her winged race the embarrassment.
"It’s not just about the show dude,” I tried to explain to him, “there are so many fans producing amazing content like art and music and stories-”
“And that’s weird too! I just don’t get it!” Dan said with the stamp of a hoof, and looking down at the dust that kicked up. And the nub at the end of his arm. He held it up to emphasize the statement, "SEE! Weird man! Freaky weird!" He stuck it in my face and shook vigorously.
I slapped it away and pinched the bridge of my nose. At least I would have if I had the fingers necessary to do so. “You’ve never even seen it, so you just don't get it. What if you woke up one day and found yourself in... ummm... Star Wars?” I tried.
“Never seen it.” Dan shot back.
“Pokemon?” I tried again.
“Ha! As if.” He huffed.
“...Batman?”
“That... would be kinda badass actually.”
“You guys are the strangest ponies I have ever met.” Rainbow said, feigning disinterest. We both looked up at her, surprised she was actually listening. With an opening into the conversation made, she continued, “Also... ummm... what’s a ‘dyke’? I need to know how angry I should be about that one.” She looked down her nose crossly at Dan.
“Okay! We’re going back to silence! I need to think and...god dammit Dan, I hate you.” He was laughing too hard to even hear me. The walk to Twilight's library had officially become the longest walk of my life.
“Rainbow! I told you to watch him! How could you let him just wander off like that!” Twilight stormed at the weather pegasus standing in the doorway to the Golden Oaks Library. I guess she was still pretty mad.
“I was watching! Just... you know, not at the exact moment when he left, heheheeeeh?” The fluttering pegasus laughed sheepishly (which is kinda weird for a pony to do, if you really think about it.)
Twilight rolled her eyes with a groan.
“What! A girl’s gotta sleep ya know. Besides, he's here now so you don't have to be mad about it... Once they saw how fierce and awesome I am, they came back with no argument!” She shot back proudly at the unicorn.
Dan rolled his eyes before jumping on what I'm sure he thought was another golden opportunity to belittle Equestria and its indigenous peoples as a whole. “So, your name is actually Twilight? Wow, that’s... that’s just terrible.”
“What?!” Twilight fired back, clearly on her last shred of patience.
“Dan, do everyone a favour and SHUT THE FUCK UP.” I snapped at him. “Sorry, Twilight he’s... he's an idiot.”
"So, does she sparkle in the afternoon sun and drink blood or what?" Dan asked, proving my point nicely.
"What does my last name have to do with anything!? Or drinking blood!?" Twilight grimaced, recoiling slightly. I could see the fabric of my reality, and the hope of ever having credibility in this world again fading before my very own over-sized pony eyes.
Why me? Just, whyyyyyyy?
Even Sandra was snickering! Was I the only sane one left?
"Wait, just wait, are you saying your name's ‘Twilight Sparkle’?" Dan continued, god damn him.
Twilight face-hoofed and growled, "Yes! That's exactly what I’m sayi-" She was cut off by Dan exploding into a fit of rapturous laughter. She looked on in horror and, frankly, completely understandable confusion. Sandra quietly chided Dan about making improper references. Oh, NOW she’s being helpful.
"Oh Celestia please give me strength..." She turned her anger back to me, ignoring the apparent threat to her sanity. “You! I told you to stay put! And what do you do instead? You run off and get reinforcements! Rude ones.” She added.
“Reinforcements? No way, these are my friends, Sandra and dumbass.”
“It’s Dan, actually, pleased to me you, Bella!” He said.
“My name is TWILIGHT! And it’s a much better than yours; what kind of name is Dan anyway?” She shot back.
"I know, right?" added Rainbow.
“Whatever! Just hear me out, okay! I want to come clean! No more lies, I swear!” I was essentially pleading at Twilight's purple hooves now.
She took a step away, “You expect me to believe anything you say? After all you’ve done?” As aggravating as it was, she kinda had a point. Plus we weren't exactly establishing ourselves as what one could call “credible’. I needed somepony who was on my side here. That, and a stiff drink. Luckily, I knew just the pony. I made for the front door.
"Rainbow, would you please escort me to Berry Punch's house?" I asked. Above me I saw Rainbow shrug in Twilight's direction and heard Dan asking what gives. I didn’t care though; if I was going to come clean, I wanted someone who’d actually believe me to be there. And, preferably, to be a little drunk.
I got a funny floating feeling just thinking about it. Then I realized I was actually floating...
Twilight levitated me back towards the center of the library and set me down with a thump in front of her, spinning me around. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Berry needs to hear this too! And you guys are all driving me up the wall."
She arched an eyebrow, "You think I'm going to let you walk off again?"
"Keep Sandra and Dan as collateral. If I don't come back, you can kill Dan. Actually, you can kill him right now if you want."
“Oh, just get oooooooon with it!” A voice called from the side of the house. The library filled with the sound of heads swiveling as we turned to look. Pinkie Pie was standing in one of Twilight's bushes outside the library. With a bag of popcorn clutched in her hooves.
“Oh! Oh! Is that the pink princess? Who owes me twenty bucks?!” Dan said, holding out a hoof as if he were in a dimension where $20 was even a thing.
“I’m not the princess, silly! And why would you want twenty bucks?” Pinkie asked between mouthfuls buttery popcorn.
Sandra chose that moment to pipe in, "Oh I get it! Because she's pink and... Hah, not bad Dan."
I guess she’s back to NOT helping...
Smiling she held out a hoof, to which Dan instinctively bumped without looking away from the pink horse in the bush. Sandra stared at her blunt appendage in disbelief, then exploded into a squeal loud enough to be heard from the other side of town. "I just hoof bumped! WITH A HOOF. Oh my god, this is just too great. Heehee!"
"Christ! Woman, reign in your lungs!" Dan backed away, "Hey, pink pony thing you gonna share that popcorn?" Everyone was just talking over one another, the whole commotion was utter madness.
"What's a woman?"
"Hey! Wait your turn Pinkie, this hay brain still hasn't explained what a ‘dyke’ is to me ye-"
"Would everyone just please stop talking and liste-!"
“EEEEEEEENOUGH!" A purple, magical aura exploded across the library. Twilight stood panting, one eye twitching from the entire ordeal. I know that feel, bro. I thought, wishing I had the same show-stopping trick she had used to stop the increasing insanity.
Blessed silence reigned once again, and finally, Twilight was able to continue. "Okay, FIRST; Pinkie! What are you doing here!” Twilight demanded with a stomp that probably left a dent in the hard, wooden floor.
"W-WHOA!" Pinkie Pie tumbled out of the bushes, behind her Fluttershy poked her head out before eeping and diving back into the leafy underbrush to hide. Applejack stood up in her place, holding Berry Punch by her shoulders who smiled and waved weakly at us. Twilight groaned and leaned her head against the doorway of her home (probably resisting the urge to slam it with her face until the crazies went away.)
"Isn’t that... it is! Berry Punch! I mean, Pinkie Pie and Twilight wow, but her too!? And Applejack and Fluttershy, eeeeEEEEEEEE!" I looked behind me to where Sandra was squeeing and peering at the new arrivals to the scene. To my right Twilight raised an askant eyebrow at Sandra's exclamations. I was well aware what she must have sounded like.
"Is she a fan of us or something?" Pinkie was inside now, though I wasn’t sure how she’d gotten there. Sandra began talking, but I cut her off with a dour expression that reminded her of the fragility of our situation. She stopped talking.
Pinkie squinted and put on her suspicious look, before she bounced up and faced Twilight. "We're here because my Pinkie sense was going off Twilight! My eyes crossed all by themselves and then I sneezed three times, which means somepony’s going to tell a BIG secret! So we all came over from Berry's house wheeeeere you told us to wait and question her while you wrote the Princess again and after THAT... Uhm, oh right, Rarity stayed behind with Pina!" She finished smartly and sat down on her rump, her tongue sticking out of her mouth goofily.
Berry walked through the front door and into the tree/library with Applejack, who looked just as angry as Twilight. Fluttershy was nowhere to be seen, most likely hiding in the bushes still.
"Right, okay that makes... sense I guess," Twilight granted. I was just as amazed as she was that something Pinkie said had made more sense than anything else in the last several minutes. Her gaze shifted questioningly between her friends and Berry. Sighing, Twilight continued
"Okay, good. SECONDLY; Night Cap, I’ve been in contact with Princess Celestia. She will be coming here today to deal with this mess. Ponyville has been attacked by an unknown force and she wants to know what’s going on. She will get to the bottom of this either way, so maybe you should come clean now?"
A hush fell over the room, even Dan shut is big dumb mouth (mostly because it was full of popcorn.) Sandra looked at me worriedly and I gave her a reassuring smile. Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Berry Punch sat waiting intently for my answer. The top of Fluttershy’s head floated in the window.
“I thought you didn’t want to know my secrets Berry.” I said to the purple drunkard.
“Not if I’m the only one you’re telling.” She said back with a smile, “As long as you're coming clean to everypony, I can listen in without having to tell you my secrets in return!”
“Why you sneaky little- at least tell me you brought something to drink?”
She bent down behind her and produced a full bottle of wine. Then, like an angel giving a drowning man a life preserver, she flung it through the air with her mouth. I caught it in a hoof, yanked out the cork with my teeth, and took a deep drink, exhaling contently.
“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.” Buddah
So I spilled everything.
Luckily, I’ve read enough fanfiction to know what bases to cover, but it still took ages; even after I insisted all questions be held to the end of my little spiel. I told the curious ponies about Earth, and my previously not-so-interesting life, I explained television and the show I knew them from, and finally, how I ended up here in the first place. Sandra helped me here and there, and I think Dan got bored and took a nap on the floor (which was probably the most helpful thing he could have done. Besides choking to death.)
Twilight, Applejack, Berry Punch, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy (who had moved out of the bush and into the library) listened in fanciful amazement as we told them about our strange alien world they were somehow a part of. The concept of a cartoon was completely lost on them, but I think they got the gist of it. Once we were done, they could only stare in silence, minus Dan’s snoring. Even asleep, he found a way to be an annoying dick.
“So... ummm, are there any questions?” I asked awkwardly as they continued to stare at us... awkwardly. I cleared my throat, “I know it’s... kind of a lot to take in, but it's the truth, and that's what should-”
"YOU’RE ALIENS!” Pinkie exploded. Literally. I think being quiet for too long is bad for her brain or something. She shot up off the floor, snapping the others out of their stupor, and reappeared behind me. I don't like how she can do that, and thinking about it huts my head. “But you look just like us!” she said, poking at me warily.
“Careful Pinkie!” Rainbow said, pulling her excited friend away from the weirdos from another planet, “They’re not actually ponies, remember! They space-monkey things with magical spy-boxes. Weren’t you listening?”
Berry moved a little closer, eyeing me warily, “Wow, you really weren’t underselling it when you said you had a big secret!”
“The biggest!” I smiled weakly, “I really wanted to tell you guys, but, well it’s all so messed up and pretty damn crazy. There was no telling how you would react...”
“Ah’m... not sure what ta think 'bout all this...” Applejack said, “but... Ah am glad you finally told us the truth.” She smiled unsurely, "No matter how strange it is..."
"So... you can traverse ‘dimensions’? Just by going to sleep? How is that even possible?” Twilight asked, always the logical thinker (read: egghead.)
“An’ what about that ‘tee vee’ you mentioned? How’re ya’ll watching us like that?” Applejack added, looking around, presumably for hidden cameras. At least she didn't think we were spying on her, like Rainbow seemed set on believing.
“Wait, are you saying that... am I famous on our planet?” Rainbow asked, suddenly over her paranoia, “Is that why you wanted my autograph?”
Sandra nodded emphatically, “You’re actually my favourite! No offense to everyone else. I mean everypony else,” she giggled like a teenager at the word, “But Rainbow Dash is just... AWESOME!”
Rainbow beamed with pride, “Hey Twilight, you got a quill I can borrow?”
“Do you have bunnies on ‘Earth’?” Fluttershy asked quietly.
“Yes, we do.” I told her, jumping on the opportunity to answer an easy question, “They’re a lot like the ones here, only less... animated.”
“Come on Cap,” Twilight rolled her eyes, “... I mean, Jon. I think we have more important things to talk about than bunnies.” Her yellow friend to drooped a little. “Namely, the fact that three entities from another world are walking around Equestria in pony bodies! That just doesn’t happen in real life!” Is that what this was? From her perspective I guess. Assuming she was even real, and I wasn't a vegetable drooling all over myself. Ooh, bad thought train, pulling in...
“Like I said, I have no idea how I actually got here. I thought I was just having some sick dreams! Technically, that could still be the case! What if I’m sleeping and none of you are even real?” Shit, the more I thought about it, the more that made sense. I mean, I wanted my friends here, and suddenly they were here. How did I know they were real?
Pinkie wiggled a hoof at me, “Pshhhh, if I wasn’t real, could I do THIS?” Suddenly, she jumped up and landed on her hind legs, peddling her forelegs and screaming “I’M REAL! I’M REAL! I’M REAL!”
“Pinkie, stop. Please.” Twilight said, massaging her aching brain.
“Of course this is real, Jon!” Sandra said, “Dan and I are here now, so you have another perspective on the same phenomenon. One minute, I was sleeping in my bed at home, then next, I'm a unicorn! Doesn’t that prove it?”
“Well... no, not really.” I pointed out, "And that's exactly what dream-you would say, dosen't really prove anything." This could all be in my head. I never really gave that thought much credence; things were just too real for me to even think of them as dreams anymore. I guess the only way to find out for sure would be if I died. Maybe I should go back to my original plan and wait for the tar ponies to come back...
“...Oh crap! The tar ponies!” I said out loud.
“Those creatures that attacked Ponyville? Do you know anything about them?” Twilight asked.
"No, but I do know they’ll be back for me. For some reason, they don’t want me in your world. Their leader told me they’re the ‘keepers of order’ and he kept calling me an anomaly that needed to be fixed.”
“They’re... going to c-come back?!” Fluttershy whispered, making herself as small as possible.
“Well, he is kind of intruding on our world...” Twilight said, turning from Fluttershy to me, “Even though you don’t mean us any harm, and came here purely by accident, I can see why they would want you gone.” I a gave her a scowl for agreeing with my enemies about wanting me dead. I thought we were cool, man.
“That doesn’t mean they get to attack us and try to kill him!" Berry added, also scowling at Twilight.
The unicorn blushed, "Oh, no, of course not! That's barbaric, and not at all what I was insinuating."
“Where’d they go anyway? I own them a major beat-down for wrecking the town!” Rainbow said, punching her hooves together angrily. Dan farted in his sleep and rolled onto his side. What a paragon of humanity he is.
I shook my head, “No idea, but they could be back any second.”
Suddenly, the door burst open violently, causing everypony in the room to jump out of their skin (not literally, of course, that would be very messy.) Even Dan woke up (yaaaaaay) shouting, “Get offa me you crazy bitch!” Fluttershy yelped and disappeared behind a nearby couch.
Twilight was the first to regain her composure, and actually look to see who was there before entering full-on panic mode. “Princess... Luna?” The rest of us calmed down, and the locals bowed low as princess of the night walked into the tree.
Luna stood tall, proud, and regal in way that are hard to put into words. She was the very embodiment of mystery and intrigue, and I was gawking at her like some sort of rubbernecking yokel. I’m no clopper, but she was undoubtedly the most beautiful creature I had ever laid my eyes on. “Yes, Twilight Sparkle. We have come to take charge of this most delicate of situations.” She said without using the royal Canterlot voice. Good for her! I would have been proud, if I wasn’t so star-struck but her appearance. Which was entirely acceptable, considering her elegant, star-filled mane.
“But... I thought Princess Celestia was coming?” Twilight said, then quickly added, ”Not to say it isn’t good to see you!”
“We- I understand. She was planning on coming, but together we decided my talents in the world of dreams made me better suited for a quick resolution to all of this. Now, where is this, ‘Jon’?”
“It’s in the back, but it’s for paying customers only.” Dan said to the Princess.
Unbelievable, he’s awake for thirty seconds, and he’s already insulting royalty. That’s got to be some kind of record. Academy or otherwise.
“I beg your pardon, human?” Luna replied, not getting the (stupid) joke.
“Ya’ll can tell they ain't really ponies? That’s amazing!” Applejack said, earning a look from Luna. “...Er... your highness.” she tacked on.
“Of course, dear Applejack. We have been watching this one since he arrived in our world.” She said, pointing at me from across the room and walking over with a commanding, yet gentle stride, “He has traveled unfathomable lengths to get here, and done things even I once considered impossible.”
“So, they really are aliens?” Pinkie bounced. I doubted very much that she knew what xenophobia was.
“Indeed. From their perspective, they come here while dreaming. But to us, it is just the opposite. I was able to glimpse their world as they slept here. It is a most strange and chaotic place. Filled with equal parts happiness and sorrow. These three are, in fact, the ambassador's of another planet...”
“Oh hey, I’m still in gay pony land. I thought you said you go back when you fall asleep? What gives?” Dan said, wiping the sleep from his eyes.
“....By default, of course.” Luna said, raising an eyebrow at the blue pegasus. Way to make a good impression on behalf of humanity, Dan.
“Wait, you didn’t wake up at home?” I asked him. That was probably a bad sign. I couldn’t do it because the body I was trying to go back to was in a deep coma (and currently pooping itself, but that’s kind of unrelated and based solely on speculation.)
Dan shook his jet-black mane, “Naw, I just had a weird dream about a-”
I quickly raised a hoof to silence him, “Okay, we don’t need to hear the rest of that-”
“-mermaid trying to fuck me.”
“And thanks for that.” Why do I even bother?
“Please, be quiet both of you,” Luna said impatiently, “I do have some rather important things to discuss with you. Also, I must insist that you reign in your... colourful dialect.”
“I apologize, Princess Luna,” I said with a bow. May as well attempt to salvage a shred of dignity for my race. I was an ambassador, after all. Even if it was by default, “My name is Jon Clarke, and this is my friend Sandra. The unrefined moron back there is Dan.”
“If I had fingers, I be showing you the middle one, asshole.” He said, holding up a hoof and flapping his wings.
Princess Luna stared wide-eyed at Dan and I as we bickered, then looked askance at Twilight. I've seen that look before, it's pretty easy to identify after the hundredth time. It basically translates to ‘are you fucking kidding me.’
"...Are they always like this?” She asked her sister’s faithful student.
“As far as I can tell...” Twilight answered with a facehoof. The other ponies watched in awe as the madness unfolded before them.
“Excuse me, Princess Luna?" Sandra interjected, catching the aliconr's attention, " Wow. Hi, I'm Sandra. Big Fan. But... if Dan couldn’t wake up, does that mean we’re stuck here too?!” There was worry in her voice, which served to get the conversation back on track.
“I am afraid so, Sandra.” Luna said to the seafoam unicorn, making her smile widely. It's not everyday you get adressed by royalty, especially horse royalty. I ignored the asinine comments Dan was making and refocused on her words. “You see, when Jon entered our world, he did so by his own means. I’m not entirely sure how, but his spirit crossed the endless void of time and space, constructing a new body out the various chemical elements floating throughout the universe. By way of some divine magic or the tenacity of his imagination, the pony that stands before us took shape. It was truly an amazing feat!”
Despite my amazement at finally having an explanation, I blushed. I was being complimented by a honest to God princess! For something I literally did in my sleep! “Oh, it was... nothing really ha...ha.” I said, rubbing the back of my neck.
“Big whoop, I can bench three hundred pounds.” Dan said, flexing his muscles at Rainbow Dash. She rolled her eyes and flew over to check on Fluttershy, who had not come out from behind the couch. I'm pretty sure she was hiding a blush, which is gross, wrong, disgusting and gross. Bleh.
Luna smiled at my modesty, then continued, addressing Sandra and (to a lesser extent) Dan, “You two, however, did not come here the same way. Again, Jon was able to reach out across the void, only this time he was able to pull your spirits through while you slept. Forms were constructed once again, and now, here you all stand.”
Everypony listened intently (except Dan, he was flexing his wings and preparing to earn more bruises.) As great as it was to finally be getting some answers, they only lead to more questions. "But, how could I know you guys were actually out here? And for that matter, how can there be a show for little girls starring all of you in my world?”
"HA! You admitted it’s a show for little girls!” Dan laughed, attempting to fly by buzzing his wings and standing upright on his rear legs.
Rainbow Dash wore an extremely pained look of disgust as she watched the display. “Uhhh, I know you're just an alien in a pegasus body, but you fly worse than a newborn foal.” She groaned loudly, “It’s embarrassing to watch.”
“Know know what?! Why don’t you go show him some moves? Actually yes, do that. Get him out of here. I’m tired of hearing words come out of his mouth.” I snapped at the prismatic pegasus.
“Harhar, very funny douche. Anyway I don’t need no help!” Dan objected with a double negative, so I guess he was technically right. "Watch this!” He dug firmly into the floor, legs partially outstretched. His wings snapped open and buzzed like before, creating a forceful gale behind him. He leapt forwards and shot across the room, sending himself speeding towards Berry, who had to duck under the inept pegasus. Everyone cried out as Dan collided with one of the bookshelves surrounding the room, starting avalanche of books in his wake. Twilight was too stunned to even yell at the blue lunatic. Dan landed roughly, frowning at his wings. “Wait... No, okay, here how about this!” He said, repeating his previous maneuver... and crashing straight through a window.
Rainbow's jaw dropped as the glass scattered everywhere with a soft tinkling. She looked over and glared at me, and I cringed a little, "I'm only doing this so he doesn't hurt anypony out there." She held the look, then flew out the broken window after Dan, who I personally hoped had some glass in his eyes. Just enough to be excruciatingly painful.
“Haha! I like him!” Pinkie chirped. I looked at her the same way everyone in the room was. The kind of look you give a child when it touches something burning hot, right after you told it not to. “What?”
“Don’t encourage him Pinkie, for everyone’s sake, just, don’t.” I told the pink party planner, “Please, go on Princess, I’m thrilled to be getting some answers at last!”
“Yes, it will be nice to have fewer distractions. And please, call me Luna.” She said, her ethereal mane dancing divinely next to her on an enchanted wind, “And to answer your earlier question, I must first explain the nature of the dimensions as they exist. You see, there are constantly telepathic signals being sent out from every being from every world. My sister and I can sometimes pick up on external signals if they are strong enough, though we have almost no influence upon them. We perceive them as images or thoughts from alien words. There are even some ponies who can perceive them, and I would not doubt there are those in your own world who can, too. Likely, one or more of the creators of this ‘television show’ can do it, that’s how they were able to so accurately depict our lives. They probably didn’t realize the thoughts and ideas were coming from external sources, and imagined they were coming up with it themselves.”
“And Cap- I mean Jon, he can do it too?” Berry asked, trying to follow the complicated explanation. I had caught her rubbing her head several times as Luna spoke. Inter-dimensional physics was doubtfully something the wine-maker studied in her free time.
“His abilities are much more refined. Not only was he able to detect our signals, and pinpoint the location of our dimension, but he also launched his spirit here. I have never seen anything like it! Surely this must be his special talent.”
My special talent. Wow, now that’s a doozy. Can't say I saw that one coming.
“And those tar-robot things, how do they fit into all this?” Twilight asked darkly.
Oh yeah, the guys who are trying to kill me and could show up any second. I keep forgetting about them.
Luna lifted a contemplative hoof under her regal chin, “Of them, we know very little. You came into contact with them, Twilight. They use a very strange signal to communicate. Were you able to sense it as well?”
“Uhm... Yes, I think I did. But, I thought it was the same one I was getting from Cap.” Twilight said, her horn glowing to check that my “magical aura” was still doing it’s freaky thing.
“Similar, perhaps, but not that same. All things from beyond our world will produce a divergent signal, but theirs is very distinct. And we have sensed before,” Luna said, producing gasps and mutters from around the room, including one from Fluttershy, still being protected by the velvet cushions of her couch-shield.
Twilight sighed, realizing the pegasus had been back there the whole time. “You can come out now, Fluttershy.”
A yellow head poked up from behind the red piece of furniture. “Oh... ummm... h-hi Princess...” She stuttered meekly.
Unfortunately, a loud, badly-timed bang on the side of the tree, followed but a barrage of cursing, sent her right back down again.
“Ummm... hello.” Luna said to the couch, which whimpered in response. “Anyway, I believe these beings are tasked with protecting the different worlds from each other, so that all may live in peace. Every time Celestia or I have picked up on their signal, it has been preceded by one from another world. They come to ensure things are in order, we assume, though we know not how nor why. There have been ponies throughout the ages who have studied them, but they know about as much as I am telling you now.”
“That must be why I've never heard or read about them before.” Twilight said, disappointed at her own ignorance.
“Do not fret, faithful student of Celestia, for there are few who have,” Luna reassured the purple unicorn. She leaned forward slightly and drew her eyes down, looking awfully foreboding. “Those few, however... refer to them as, ‘The Overseers’.” The couch whimpered again.
“Overseers? So, they’re the ones who want me dead...” I thought out loud.
“Verily, and likely you’re companions as well.” Luna added, most undelicately.
“What?! I’m trapped here and someone wants to kill me for no good reason?” Sandra said, then looked at me worriedly. “Geez Jon, you sure know how to show a girl a good time.”
I laughed awkwardly, “Well, it’s better than dinner and a movie... right?” She gave me a look similar to the one Pinkie had been treated to earlier, then turned her attention back to the Princess.
“So, what can we do?”
Luna closed her eyes, and her horn lit up with a shimmering blue aura. For a moment she concentrated, then said, “They are very close now, and in much greater force than the last time the attacked.” Another round of gasps. I could hear Fluttershy mumbling in worry. Luna opened her eyes and continued, “I believe you should go to them and attempt to parley, before they move into our realm. If it is possible for a compromise to be reached, then it is imperative we try.”
“Wheeew doggy.” Applejack said with a whistle, matching my thoughts exactly (albeit with a little country twist.)
"Let me get this straight," I said as the gravity of the situation sank in, “You want us to go right to the guys who want us dead. And ask them for a favour? Pardon my language Luna, but that shit don’t flush.” I said, maybe losing my cool just a little bit, “What makes you think they would even listen to us?”
Ignoring my uncouth comment, she said, “They may seem like coldhearted killers to you," yep, pretty much, "but they are merely logical thinking machines. Performing what they consider to be necessary actions to maintain our dimension's integrity. if you wish to reach a peaceful resolution, then you must provide them with a simpler solution to the problems you’ve caused.”
“And... how do we do that?” Sandra asked.
"And what problems exactly? How are we hurting anything!" I blurted out. How come I had to find the peaceful resolution when they get to attack outright?
Berry spoke up too, "He hasn't done anything wrong! He saved my life after all! That’s gotta count for something, right?"
Luna smiled at us, then looked straight into my eyes, “How you convince them is something you will have to figure out for yourself, Jon.” I shuddered at the serene stare-down, and nodded back at her. “Time, however, is something we are not fortunate enough to have. As we speak, the Overseers are preparing the invasion of our world. My top priority is ensuring the safety of my subjects, which is why we must move quickly-” She was cut off by the door bursting open again, making everypony shit themselves (again, not literally, though I was pretty damn close.)
“IT’S THE GOO GUYS! AHHHHHH!" Pinkie bellowed, diving behind the couch with Fluttershy, who screamed at the top of her lungs.
“Did... I miss something?” Said Rarity, standing at the door in confused shock.
"Dangit Rare, you scared the bejeezus outta us!” Applejack said, picking up her hat (which had totally ‘not’ fallen off when she jumped in fright.) “Don’t ya’ll know how to open a door?!”
“Well! It was hardly my fault, this door must be broken or... Princess Luna?” Rarity said, noticing the dark alicorn standing before her. She scanned the room, spotting Sandra and I, “Night Cap is back? Who’s that with him? What is going on here?”
Pinkie popped out from behind the couch, making Rarity jump in return, “Weeeeel, Cap is actually an alien named Jon! He came from another world where we’re a show for little girls but now he’s stuck here and that’s his friend Sandra and Dan is the pegasus outside with Dash. Those goopey things are trying to kill them and they’re about to attack Equestria at ANY MINUTE!” She said excitedly in a giant breath that would put an Olympic swimmer to shame.
Rarity blinked a few times. “...Oh. Is... that all?” She managed calmly.
I rose out of my ‘try not to poop myself’ position and approached the Element of Generosity, “Pretty much. I know it’s a lot to take in... but you’re actually doing a very good job of it.”
She tsk'd and brushed back her luxurious purple mane, “When you’ve lived in Ponyville as long as I have, you learn to deal with such news. It’s a pleasure to formally meet you Jon, and you as well Sandra.”
Fair enough.
“Please, if we can get back on task? Time is fleeting.” Luna said, reclaiming our attention, “I can teleport the three of you to the source of the signal. This should put you directly in front of the Overseer commander, who I believe you’ve had the pleasure of meeting.”
“Is that the one who almost choked me to death?” She nodded. “Brilliant.”
"He is the one you must confer with. Pinkie? Would you be so kind as to fetch Dan for us?”
“Caaaan do!” She said with a salute, running out the front door, which opened with a loud slam.
“Huh, I guess it is broken...” Twilight mused.
“I told you.” The other unicorn replied. “Also, it appears you need a new window.”
Suddenly, Dan burst through the remaining window beside the broken one and took out the couch Fluttershy was hiding behind, smashing it into the opposite wall and reducing it to splinters.
“Make that ‘windows’...” Rarity corrected in awe.
“Did you guys see that! Bullseye, baby!” Dan said, wiping the dust from his coat. Rainbow flew through the new entrance and landed softly, surveying the damage Dan had done in ten seconds flat. Pinkie also jumped through the window, stating that “everyone else was doing it.”
“Can you please stop destroying my home, you muscle-bound ignoramus?!” Twilight shouted at Dan.
“You live here? In a tree?” Dan asked, laughing before she had a chance to respond.
She closed her eyes, likely resisting the urge to cast a spell to turn him into mulch. I wouldn't have stopped her. “Luna, would you kindly GET HIM OUT OF HERE?!”
“Gladly. Gather around humans, for it is time for you to go.” She said.
“Where are we going?” Dan asked, flapping over and standing next to Sandra and I.
“To convince the tar robot things not to kill us. You should probably just be quiet the whole time.” I said to my ‘friend.’ This is the guy I was wishing was here last night. What’s wrong with me?
“I’m coming too.” Berry said. All eyes fell on the currently sober drunk.
“What? Berry, why?” I asked.
“Well, you’ve already saved my life. And my sister's. So if I can help save yours by pleading your case, well, then I kinda have no choice.” She said, joining the three aliens and taking up position to my left, "Also, I’m not the one they want anyway." She said cheerily while jabbing out a hoof and winking.
"Oh... Right. Well that's sorta comforting..." I answered her, grinning uneasily. She returned the grin with a surprisingly tranquil smile of her own.
The Princess approached her. “Thou art very noble, what is your name, subject?”
“It’s Berry Punch! I live here in Ponyville with my sister, Pina Colada.” She stated.
“If you believe you can help, then I shall send you with the others. But keep in mind that I may not be able to transport you back to Equestria. You will have to include your return in the negotiations, or find alternate, and possibly dangerous means. Are you still willing to go?” The princess asked.
“Of course! Though I’ll need somepony to look after Pina while I’m gone.”
Pina.
As Berry made babysitting plans with Rarity, I felt a pang of guilt. How could I let Berry come along with so much at stake? I know she’s an adult and can make her own choices, but I didn’t want her to risk herself for me.
A minute later, Berry and I stood alone in Twilight's basement. Dusty books and empty beakers littered the untidy area. Various pieces of machinery and chemicals lined the shelves around the dark room and gave it an metallic/rusty smell.
“Berry, are you sure you want to do this? It isn't your really fight, after all.” I told the first pony I had ever met.
She frowned back at me, but her eyes stayed bright. “If I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t have said anything, and you’d be between dimensions right now. Most likely getting choked to death again.” She smiled at that last bit, but I was starting to see the doubt behind it.
“But what if we fail? What about Pina? She needs you.” I wasn’t trying to force her not to come, I just needed to know why she really wanted to.
Berry looked away and thought for a moment. “We can’t fail. I need her too, you know. She’s the only thing I-” She stopped, then wiped her eyes with a deep sigh. She turned and looked deep into eyes. “Look, I... I drink because I kind of hate my life.”
I recoiled at the suddenness of the confession. “You... hate your life?” I repeated dumbly.
“Well... Yes.” She said as she moped off to the side of the room, “You see, my special talent is making wine. That’s what I love to do, and I’m great at it! If that’s what I did everyday, I’d be happy... but it’s not anymore.” She stopped, toying with the random objects on the table she'd placed between us. “Before my parents di-” A breath caught in her throat, but she continued, "Before they died. I helped them run our winery. Mom and I would make the wine and Dad ran the business. He was a great businesspony; we did very well for such a small operation. But then, suddenly, they were gone. And I was left to run everything and take care of Pina.”
Berry paused again, tears flowing freely now. I listened with sympathy, amazed that she would tell me her secret after creating a reason not to. “I’m not my father.” She continued. “The wine is just as good as always, but I just couldn’t juggle everything at once, and we started losing clients. And I started drinking. Casually at first, as a way to forget my problems and loosen up at parties... but it quickly became the only way I could relax.”
I stood dumbfounded as she spoke, struck by the intense heaviness of it all.
“Berry, I’m so sor-” I began.
“No. Please don’t be sorry for me. Everypony in town is sorry for me. They assume I drink out of grief, but I came to terms with what happened to us. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I did it. And in the end, it made no difference. They don’t understand what I’ve been through. They think I’m so weak, and the worst part is, they’re right.” Her shoulders sagged and she looked up at a wall, trying to fight back the tears unsuccessfully.
I didn't know what to say, she looked back at me, sniffling. Then she was full on crying, and I couldn't bear to watch it. Uncertainly, I walked over and put a leg around her neck. She didn't move at first, but when she did I was gripped in a tight hug. Around my neck too, but... She was letting it all out, so I didn't stop her.
“Thank you for telling me. You didn’t have to, and you’re anything but weak.” I said, maybe more sternly than I should have.
“I am though! Pina is the only thing that keeps me going, and I can’t give her what she deserves. She wants to see the world, but I could never afford it. I am weak.”
“You just told you’re biggest secret to an alien from another dimension. If that’s not bravery, I really don’t know what is.” I said truthfully, having done something similar not moments ago.
She looked up at me, “Is it bucking a Jackalope in the face?” The fur around her eyes was matted and damp, it contrasted sharply with the slight curve of a smile on her face.
“Ha, no, I’m pretty sure that’s plain-old stupidity.” I smiled back and we shared a laugh. It was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.
“I’m coming with you because I believe I can make a difference. It is a chance for me to succeed, and do something that has real meaning to me. Plus, I owe you a debt. You’ve done so much for my family already, and if I can help you in anyway, you bet your fucking ass I will.” She wiped away the last of her tears and smiled genuinely.
We shared a long embrace in the dark basement, but it was cut short by a series of loud bangs and muffled shouts from upstairs.
“We should probably get back up there, before Dan burns the whole place down.” I said, breaking off the hug and looking into her huge, wet eyes.
“Okay. Just one last question Cap... I mean, Jon.”
“Sure, what is it?”
“Do... you like Sandra?” She asked.
I blushed and looked away. In the past, I probably would have lied, or told a half truth, but I was beyond that now.
“Yes. I really do like her.” I admitted.
She looked away, but smiled. “You should tell her, as long as you’re being all honest and stuff.”
“If we’re not dead in an hour, that’s at the very top of my to-do list.”
We climbed up the the stairs and out of the basement, opening the wooden door to the main room of the tree. The scene was... not pretty. There were more books on the floor than on the shelves, scattered among broken furniture and glass. Fluttershy was hiding under her hooves where the couch had been, as if it were still there to protect her. And Applejack was tying up Dan with her rope. His mouth had a magically-induced zipper across his lips, though he struggled to talk (and probably cuss) anyway.
“CAP! JON! WHATEVER! I think you should go now. PLEASE.” Twilight begged. They all looked frazzled. And very pissed. Should have known better than to leave Dan unattended...
“Jesus... Twilight, I’m sorry. I have a bunch of bits in my saddlebags, you can have them all, to pay for the damage.” I said, unsure whether it would be enough.
“His behavior is most strange; almost psychotic. Is he... Are most humans like him?” Luna asked, eyeing the struggling idiot with concern.
“Oh, God no. He’s just... Well, I don’t even know anymore. He’s just Dan, I guess.” I said.
“Well, that’s a relief.” She said, shaking her elegant head. “Are you ready to go now?”
“Yes, just need to say my goodbyes.”
“Very well. I do not mean to rush you, but a planetary invasion is about to begin, so...”
“Gotcha,” I addressed the room full of ponies, “Umm, well I suppose this is it. Thanks for letting me hang out with you guys. It was so great to meet you, and without a doubt the best time of my whole life. I mean it. Also, I’m sorry for lying to you, though I hope you can at least understand why I did it now. Thanks for saving my life that one time and... yeah, I wish we could somehow meet again, though I doubt we ever will, even if we‘re successful. Oh, and I’m really, really sorry about Dan.”
The six main characters from my favourite TV-show-turned-reality looked at one another, then back to me.
"We thank you for your honesty Jon. And we’re glad we were able to positively impact your life.” Twilight said.
“Just remember to stay honest, ya hear?” Applejack added.
“I still think you guys are weird,” Rainbow said. “but if humans think I’m cool, then I guess you can’t be that terrible..”
“It was very nice to meet you two,” Rarity said, ignoring the loud mumbling coming from the tied up pony on the floor.
“G...goodbye.” Fluttershy said, quieter than a mouse. “ And I... I... likeyourmaneSandra...”
Suddenly, Pinkie gasped loudly. “I NEVER THREW THEM A WELCOME PARTY AND NOW THEY’RE LEAVING AND WE NEED TO HAVE A FAREWELL PARTY!” She took off like a rocket into the kitchen.
“There really isn't any time...” Luna said, but Pinkie was already back with two cupcakes Twilight apparently had in her kitchen. Or maybe she didn’t and they came right out of the ether. You never can be sure with Pinkie. She gave one to Sandra, then unzipped Dan’s mouth and shoved in the other. “Welcome to Ponyville! And bon voyage!” She said manically, apparently meeting her party quota.
“Thank you Pinkie!” Sandra said, biting into the surely delicious (and possibly magical) treat, “It was so cool to meet you all! Even if it was only for a little while...”
“Don’t feel too bad, you can still see us on that ‘teevee’ thingamabob, right?” Pinkie said cheerfully. Sandra nodded, her mouth full of cupcake. Dan made choking noises and I laughed to myself, “Well then, we can totally still be friends! I’ll wave when ever I think someone’s watching, and if you're watching, you’ll know I’m waving at you!”
Sandra finished her cupcake then went around and hugged the others (even Luna allowed a quick one) and came back to stand by me, Berry and Dan (who wasn’t standing at all.)
“She tried to kill me with a pastry!” He coughed and hacked from the floor, “I could have, hey! What are you-” I zipped him right back up.
“Right, let’s do this then.” Luna said, her horn beginning to glow.
“Wait! I just need... I still don’t know if this is actually real or not. We never got around to addressing that!” I said. If I was about to risk my life, it was something I felt I needed to know.
Luna’s horn grew brighter, “You know there is nothing I can say to prove that.”
Damn, that was true. “Then... how can I prove it?” The light was surrounding us, lifting us off the floor and growing ever brighter.
“The same way you can sway the Overseers,” She closed her eyes and my world dissolved into pure white light. All of my senses shut down one by one, then I heard her soft whisper in my ears.
Sensation came rushing back all at once. I rubbed my eyes and became aware of the three ponies around me, struggling to regain their bearings.
“Man, where did that bitch send us?” Dan said, the rope and zipper now gone. Great.
“We should be on the bridge, right in front of Zero-One...” I replied, looking around. We were in a large room that reminded me of a hangar. Light came from all directions, from small bulbs the were a few feet above the ground.
“Umm, I don’t think this is the bridge...” Sandra said as she got onto her hooves.
The lights moved, and I realized they belonged to hundreds of robots with bodies made of tar, all in the rough shape of a pony.
“Oh. This must be the invasion force.” I stated flatly.
“HALT INTRUDERS.” A hundred voices rang out simultaneously.
“In the end, it is not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” -Abraham Lincoln
“FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, KEEP RUNNING.” I yelled over my shoulder at my straggling companions as we galloped frantically down a dim metal hallway as fast as our hooves could carry us.
“That definitely wasn’t the bridge!” Sandra shouted from the back of the group. This was the fastest she had moved since becoming a pony, and she was only just keeping ahead of the black monstrosities hot on our tails.
Luckily for us, the invasion force itself had made no attempt to attack or stop our fleeing, staying focused on their pre-programmed orders. Unluckily for us, however, three other tar-guards (AKA, tards) gave chase as we bolted out of the packed hangar. The black substance that made up their bodies morphed into grotesque, hulking masses squirming after us with a set of antennae sticking out above pale, lifeless eyes. The stuff of fucking nightmares, man.
Dan and Berry raced close beside me as we made a blind turn down another hallway. They seemed to be following my lead, despite the fact I had absolutely no idea where we were, let alone where to find the bridge and Unit Zero-One. Our pursuers were gaining on us, too. All-in-all, this mission was going pretty shit so far, though running for my life did keep my growing existential crisis at bay.
So... yay?
“Gahhh! Dan! Can’t you use your kung-fu on these guys or something?!” I cried at the blue pegasus.
“I am a goddamn horse, fuckwad!” He shouted back, flapping his wings wildly as he ran for extra speed, “How’d ya expect me to throw a punch with no fingers?!”
The brute closest to use slammed a mallet-shaped fist onto the ground, missing Sandra’s flank by mere inches. “Run faster, Sandra!” Berry yelled over the angry roar of the creature.
“I’m... huff... trying!” She huffed. Sitting at a computer all day doesn't do much to improve endurance.
"Unicorns..." said Berry, rolling her eyes. As if now was a good time for racism! The Tards were still gaining on us. We weren’t going to last much longer at this rate; we needed an edge! Preferably one with extensive training in mixed martial arts.
“Listen to me Dan, you can still punch and kick and shit!" I shouted at the manic pegasus as we turned down another gray hall, "Your body’s different, but your training and instincts are the same!” Worked for me with the whole walking thing, and I didn't train myself to do that.
“Dude, do you have any idea how gay that sounded?” Dan quipped breathlessly. From behind, one of the Tards winded a mushy roar, then dashed towards us in a full-on charge! Guess we'd find out if I was right one way or another.
“Oh man! Look, when I say go, we turn and stop this asshole! Aim for the eyes, got it?” He looked back at the rapidly approaching hostile, then met my eyes with a determined grin and nodded.
The beast lowered what served as it's head and roared again, only a few feet behind us now.
“GO!” I bellowed as loud as I could.
We threw on the breaks, turning to face the lumbering threat. Berry and Sandra tore past us and the monster came right at me. I attacked first with the same buck maneuver I had used on the Jackalope; pivoting and kicking with all my strength. The powerful strike pounded hard into what would have been it's guts (assuming it had any.) This thing was much stronger than the rabbit-deer-bear, however. It doubled-over, stunned, but far from defeated. It's head twitched up and the pale eyes locked onto me, their glow intensifying.
Unperturbed, Dan snapped into a fighter’s stance right in front of the goo minion. He unleashed a mighty war cry and shot off the ground like a rocket with a flap of his wings. He flew straight up, hoof-first, and landed a devastating uppercut to the thing's bubbling chin. The fluid attack caught the assailant completely off guard and the small machine inside it burst out of the top of its tar encasement. It smashed against the ceiling, crumpling like a pop can under a cinder block.
Dan followed through with a spin and landed back on the ground smoothly. The hot, gooey bulk of the thing collapsed into a steaming puddle as a shower of sparks from the destroyed machine rained down around the blue pegasus cinematically. “Oh yeah!” Dan shouted excitedly, “You're fucking dead, homeboy!” I gaped at the amazing act of sheer badass-ery that had unfolded in front of me. I couldn't help but feel a little emasculated by the showy display.
Behind us, the heavy hoof-falls of Berry and Sandra slowed and stopped further down the hall. They turned to see what was going on, staring at Dan in disbelief. (Probably amazed he had suddenly become useful.) The two other Tards following their comrade stopped in front of us and morphed into smaller forms. Though they retained their glowing eyes and antenna, they now stood on numerous legs with a mass of tentacles sticking out of their backs.
“Which one of you dickholes is next?” Dan asked, crouching into position and getting ready. I was there too. Just, you know, chilling. What can I say, I’m a dreamer, not a fighter.
Our newly-shaped foes lunged, one going for each of us with their groping appendages. Dan dodged to the side, catching the bundle of limbs beneath a foreleg and pulling the creature forward and off balance. I batted away one of the black strands... only to be ensnared by the other six.
“Fuck!” The hot ropes of tar wrapped around my body and started to tighten. “Little help here Dan!”
“Kinda busy right now!” He replied as he yanked on the tentacles to prevent this attacker from getting up. The one gripping me stood back, constricting the life out of me from a distance. I struggled to break free but it’s grip was just too strong. The boiling strands seared my skin and I could smell burning hair.
Dan released the hot braid of his current opponent and jumped high into the air with a series of wing beats. He rolled mid-air and pushed off of the ceiling, landing on the downed monster's head and crushing it beneath his hooves. I heard metal crunch and electronics buzz, then its glowing eyes went dark and its body dissolved into soup.
Sweet! Two down! I thought, realizing shortly afterwards that I hadn't actually taken either of them down, and more importantly, was currently being murdered by the third. It must have decided who the bigger threat was, because it sent several of the tentacles holding me after Dan. Bastard. I tried to break free again, the hold slightly weaker from fighting multiple opponents... but the Tard put an end to that by squeezing my neck so tight I almost passed out.
Running at full gallop, Dan dove onto his stomach, sliding right under the black ropes while flapping his wings for momentum. I fell to the floor, finding it hard to breathe as he slid straight up to the monster. Only feet away now, he sprung up into a flying Judo kick. He connected right between the thing's pale eyes and sent the blood-thirsty robot within shooting out its own ass like a crap-cannon. It whizzed down the hallway, hitting the ground and bouncing several yards further.
“Awwwww yeah! Out of the fucking park!” Dan shouted triumphantly to an adoring crowd only he could see. I got up off the hard floor, trying to catch my breath and convince myself that getting upstaged by the MMA fighter didn’t make me a total wuss.
How cute, Dan saved your life! Now you can ride off into the sunset together! He’d be riding you of course, seeing how you’re clearly the bitch.
My brain wasn’t helping. AS USUAL.
“Come on you guys! Let’s go, NOW!” Sandra shouted from down the hall. I put aside my threatened masculinity and ran towards the other two ponies, Dan galloping smugly behind me.
“Hey ladies! On a scale from 1 to 10, how amazing was I?” He asked the mares as we continued our improvised retreat. Sandra groaned loudly at the chauvinist remark. Berry just looked confused.
“I... shouldn’t answer that, should I?” Berry asked me.
“Hey, you’re learning!” I said back, running faster, “Okay, we need to find a place to lay low and figure shit out, before we run into more of those-”
We turned another corner, running right into two more Overseer sentries.
.
“HALT INTRUDERS.” They ordered simultaneously.
“...Mother fuckers.” I finished.
_________________________________________________
Twenty or so minutes of frantic running and fighting later, the four of us stood panting in a very small, very dark room. It’s heavy metal door slid shut and we were able to rest for a moment and collect ourselves.
“Okay... huff... we need a plan guys.” I said, rubbing my sore legs and scorched fur.
“Yeah, I can’t beat up a whole army by myself.” Dan said from the door, standing on his back legs and flexing in a stately pose that bugged the crap out of me. “Or actually, maybe I can!”
Of course, Dan had taken out all opposition we came across. After being slammed into a wall by an insectoid tar abomination, I was forced to swallow my pride (plus a little blood) and adopt a new strategy that mostly involved distracting the things long enough for Dan to deal with them. Helping!
“Shut up Dan, the grown-ups are talking.” I said in an attempt to put a lid on his adrenaline fueled ego. You’d think I’d know by now how pointless trying that was.
“Oh, I see how it is.” He scoffed, dropping back onto 4 hooves, “Maybe next time a shit-monster tries to rip your head off, I’ll fucking let it.”
“There isn’t time for you two to bicker like... little school fillies!” Berry spoke up, reaching her limit on retarded bickering. “We need to figure out where the bridge on this thing is.” Too bad for her Dan was still with us.
“And how do we do that? I didn’t see no maps out there.” Dan said to the purple pony, "Though I was kinda busy being all macho and shit."
We sat and brainstormed for a moment while Dan flexed and hummed the theme to American Gladiators to himself. I looked over my companions and was struck by a brilliant idea. I’m pretty sure there was a ding and a light bulb that appeared over my head. Cartoon universe is best universe!
“Sandra!” I said suddenly, snapping the mint-green unicorn out of her own thoughts with a start, “We can use Sandra’s magic to find the source of their control signal, and that will lead us right to Zero-One.” Ha! I may not be a good fighter, but I can improvise like a boss.
“My... magic?” Sandra said skeptically, poking at her horn with a hoof, ”But, I don’t even know how to use it...”
"And those things could find us any second!” added Berry.
“Then she’ll have to learn fast," I said, turning to Sandra with an encouraging smile, "You were able to push over my bags in that field, remember? Fire that thing up and see what happens!” She looked uncertain, but stood and closed her eyes anyway. After a few seconds, the dim room lit up with a pale green light emanating from her horn.
“For the record, I think my plan of killing everyone was way better.” said Dan, still flexing.
Ignoring him, I tried to aid the inexperienced unicorn, “Just relax, and don't forget to breath. Focus on Berry and I. We're from different dimension, and should have different magical auras that you can pick up on, according to Twilight and Luna. Try to... I don't know, try to feel us with your magic, like your felt my bags.”
“I’m not... getting anything...” Sandra said in deep concentration, “I mean, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be feeling for...”
“Guess it’s up to me then,” Dan said, bringing his front hooves together to crack his fingers, then realizing he didn’t have any. “Man, not having hands fucking sucks. How do you stand this?” he asked Berry, holding up his digit-less feet.
“Please Dan, Sandra is trying to focus.” She said politely. I would have told him to shut his stupid face, but then maybe that’s why we fought so much.
“You can do it Sandra!” I encouraged her. This just had to work! I couldn't let Dan outshine me in front of Berry and Sandra!
“I... think I’m sensing... something.” Her horn glowed slightly brighter, “But it’s hard to know what it actually is. Someone leave the room, I need to see what difference it makes.”
“Dan, go outside.” I ordered my roommate.
“Well, since you asked so fucking nicely...” He replied, sitting on his haunches and sticking his tongue out at me.
I rolled my eyes and walked past him to the door, knowing it would be much easier to just go myself. It opened after I hit a square panel to its side and I stuck my head out to make sure the way was clear. Once I was sure there weren’t any murder bots around, I stepped into the hall.
Sandra focused, her eyes still clamped shut, “Ooookay... now, try closing the door.”
“With pleasure.” Dan said, getting up and hitting the button I'd just used. He blew a raspberry as the door closed, leaving me alone in the gray hallway, trying to look inconspicuous, which is kinda difficult when you’re a vibrant red pony in a spaceship.
“Man, this is bullcrap...” I muttered to myself after a few seconds. “Can I come back in now?”
The door slid open. “What’s the password?” Dan asked, blocking the way.
“Is it ‘fuck you, douchebag’?” I offered.
“Hey! I felt something when the door opened!” Sandra said from within. I pushed past Dan and closed the door. “I can... sort of tell where you guys are, and who’s who if I really concentrate. Berry is especially easy to pick out, but you guys also have distinct vibes too. It’s almost like... seeing you as different colours and shades. That’s so cool!”
“Colours... right. And that helps us how?” Dan asked sarcastically.
“There’s something else, and it’s much stronger. Like a bright colour in a sea of black.” She answered, aiming her horn around the room. “There.” She stopped, pointing a hoof up and to the right. “It’s coming from above us. That has to be him.”
“Nice work Sandra! I knew you could do it.” Berry applauded, making her blush modestly.
“Great, so now we gotta find some stairs.” said Dan, opening the door and stepping out.
“There won’t be stairs on a spaceship, you retard!” I snapped after him.
So we set out into the unfamiliar spacecraft in search of an elevator. We could only assume the invasion was put on hold, considering the Overseers knew we were on board. More and more patrols started popping up, so it was pretty obvious they were looking for us.
“Hold up guys, someone’s coming!” Sandra stopped, her horn glowing. Since she could now sense the unique vibes the tar-bots produced, avoiding their sentries had become much easier.
Scanning the wall next to us, I found one of the square panels we had come to recognize as door controls. I punched it with a hoof and we ducked inside, the door sliding shut behind us.
“Oh sweet Celestia...” Berry whispered. I turned to see what she was looking at, and my eyelids shot wide open.
We must have entered some sort of observation deck, because before us was a huge window with a magnificent view of Equestria from two hundred miles up. A distant sun lit up the surface of the planet, and between the sparse clouds I could clearly see rolling green fields and forests. In the distance, a large body of water shimmered. The sight was truly breathtaking, and I consider myself an expert on oxygen deprivation. We walked up to the window and took in the view for a long while, temporarily forgetting the urgency of our situation.
“It’s so... beautiful.” Berry said quietly.
“What? You’ve never seen your planet from space before?” I joked.
She shook her head slowly, unable to tear her gaze away from the sight. Considering she essentially lives in the dark ages, I could only imagine what was going through her mind. Seeing you home like that for the first time, it can really change your perception and open you mind.
“I’m hungry.” Dan said. We all ignored him.
“We’re very close now.” Sandra said, her horn glowing once again, “We just need to find a way upstair- I mean... up.” She corrected herself, shooting me a sheepish grin.
Dan snorted. “Does that make her retarded too?”
I continued to ignore Dan (a strategy I was finding incredibly effective) and looked around the room, spotting several doors besides the one we came in through. “We should check the doors in here, maybe we can find an elevator or something.”
“...Or something?” Dan said, moving away from the window. Sandra and I did the same while Berry continued to sit on her haunches and stare at her home planet, muttering something about needing a drink.
I sighed loudly, hitting a button and revealing another long, empty hallway, “For the last time Dan, there won’t be any goddamn stairs on a spaceship.” I closed the door and moved on to the next one.
“Guys, please. This magic is making my head hurt enough, you two aren’t helping.” Sandra opened another door, peeked in and closed it again.
“Sorry, Sandra,” I sighed, “I guess I’m just a little irritable right now.”
“Like you’re bowels.” Dan pitched in.
“Sure, why not.” I rolled my eyes and hit another button.
Fucking stairs.
I stood in utter disbelief as the others checked the rest of the exits, unable to comprehend the stupidity that lay before me. But... why? In space... and the tar...? I just.... it can’t...
“Hey! I found the elevator!” Sandra said off to my left.
I blinked a few times, then hit the button and shut the door without a word. None must ever know. Especially Dan.
“Yo, purple lady, let’s bounce.” Dan said obviously to Berry, who was still enthralled by the view.
She snapped out of her trance and with a final look out the window, then trotted over to the lift. “Y-yes, I’m coming... And my name is Berry Punch, for the record.”
Dan shrugged, “Whatever, let’s just get a move on. I’m sick of being a dumb horse.” he said as he stepped into the elevator with Sandra and I. Berry shook her head again and squeezed into the metal box with the crazy humans.
________________________________________________
We rode upwards floor by floor, allowing Sandra to do a magic scan each time. “Okay, I think we passed it.” She said after we hit the sixth level up, “Let’s go back down one and that should be it.”
“Thank Christ, it smells like a barn in here.” Dan complained. Well, what did you expect? We went down a floor and piled out of the cramped lift. “Fuck! Much better.”
Sandra’s horn lit up and she rubbed her temples. The strain on her untrained horn must have been getting to her. “Owww. Okay this is it, I’m positive. Good thing too, I can’t keep this up much longer.” We ventured down the dark halls, following Sandra’s laboured guidance. Patrols were much more frequent here, so our progress slowed to a crawl. We had to duck into side rooms several times, and we were caught doing so once.
The Tard that spotted us ordered we halt, then morphed into a long, black snake and slithered towards the open door of our would-be sanctuary. It threw itself forward and Dan shut the door, cutting off it’s head. The little machine fell to the floor, and he promptly crushed it under his blue hooves.
“Man, this still all gay and shit, but am I not the best horse-thing EVER?!” He asked Berry boastfully.
She gave me a worried look. “...You’re sure that there aren’t other humans like him?”
“Our civilization would have collapsed ages ago if there were.” I assured her.
A few close calls later, the four of us stood outside a large entrance Sandra proclaimed led to the bridge. There were guards posted outside, but they were no match for Dan. He tackled the first into a wall and slammed it’s head repeatedly against the hard metal surface. When it stopped moving, he rocketed up to the ceiling and dive bombed it's partner, laughing with delight at his own physical prowess. I was afraid if his ego got any bigger, it would pull the ship out of orbit.
“Okay guys, this is it.” I refocused the group and stepped up to the big door, “Keep you eyes open in there. I’ll do the talking, you guys back me up. Dan, just... be quiet.”
“Whatever...” He replied, lifting off the ground in a stable hover. I gotta give it to Rainbow Dash, she must be some sort of miracle worker. Now if only she got around to tutoring Scootaloo...
“Do you know what you're going to say?” Berry asked from my side.
“Ummm, I have a few ideas...” I replied. Things had been so hectic since our arrival, I hadn’t really put much thought into it. There were a few key points I was planning on making... I just couldn't really remember what they were at the moment. Good thing I can improvise... right?
“We’re doomed.” Dan said from above.
“Everything’s gonna be fine. We’ll be back in our respective dimensions and bodies in time for dinner. Trust me.” I tried to convince the others, though my own doubts were at the forefront of my mind.
“The only part of that I liked was dinner.” said Dan.
“I thought I told you to be quiet.” I opened the door, cutting off whatever moronic reply he was about to throw my way.
The big doors parted slowly, revealing an open control room. Massive computers with blinking lights covered the walls, and I was able to pick out a few maps as well (though I doubted I could read them, even with proper lighting.) Another window showcased the spectacular view of Equestria, the pale light flowing in the only source of illumination. The place appeared to be deserted, the computers humming without the interaction of a crew.
Nothing happen for a few seconds, so I swallowed nervously and crossed the threshold into the bridge, the others following cautiously.
“Umm, I thought that dude was supposed to be here or something?” Dan pointed out.
“I was sure this was it...” Sandra said, revving up her magic as we crept further in.
“I guess the ship is controlled by these computers,” I examined the alien machines, which didn’t appear to have any sort of physical inputs. Maybe they were controlled remotely? If so, why have a bridge at all? So the captain has a place to sit and seduce alien women?
“I’m still picking up the signal,” Sandra said, “it’s stronger here than it’s been anywhere else.”
“Then where is this jerk?” Dan asked impatiently, flying up to investigate the raised platform floor above us.
“I have a bad feeling about this...” Berry muttered to herself.
I turned away from the map I was reading and locked her with a terse glare, “You just had to go and say that.”
Suddenly, the large door we had entered from slid closed ominously. “What?! What did I do?” She stammered, meeting my scowl with panicked confusion.
“In our movies, whenever someone says they ‘have a bad feeling’, that’s when things go wrong.”
A black arm shot of the darkness, striking Dan and sending him spiraling out of the air. He crashed into the window like a bug on a windshield and slid to the floor. The arm retracted into the shadows and a dark shape with glowing eyes leaped off the upper platform, landing directly in front of me with a splash of hot tar.
“We meet again, Anomaly.” Unit Zero-One growled in his familiar, gravelly voice. His current form was featureless, just a big, bubbling blob with pale, dead eyes not unlike those of a shark, or a clown on acid. Or a shark on acid.
“Actually, my name is Jon.” I informed the monster, hoping to start the mediation with some polite banter. He had other plans, however, and before I could utter another syllable, he reached out with a portion of his bulk, grabbing me by the jaw and slamming me down on the hard floor. The tar spread, covering my whole face and I found, once again, that I could not breathe.
“Hey, stop! We’re here to negotiate with you!” Berry ran in to my rescue... and met the same fate as the last time she'd tried that: a swift kick in the face.
“There will be no negotiations.” Jerk-bot said as my nose filled with the awful stink of his tar body. “Though I will thank you for delivering yourselves to us, saves us the trouble of having to finding you.”
Sandra stepped up to the plate next, “Please, you don’t understand! Just hear us out!” I struggled uselessly as the hot substance burned the inside of my mouth like a frozen pizza I couldn't be arsed to let cool.
“Ugg, should have seen that coming...” Berry said, shaking off the hit and rejoining the failing parley.
“It is you who do not understand,” Zero One’s synthesized voice droned, “This must be done. Order will be restored to this realm and he will go back where he belongs. Then, I shall deal with the rest of you intruders.” He looked over to where Dan had fallen, only to discover he was gone.
“Now we do this my way, dicknose!” He shot down from the high ceiling with incredible speed and punched a hole right through Zero One’s body, splattering tar all over. Dan skidded to a stop on the ground, shaking the hot goo from his fur like a wet dog.
Our enemy wasn’t finished yet, however. “FOOLS. I seek only to preserve harmony! How dare you oppose me!” The gaping hole in Zero-One's torso closed itself, his body shrinking slightly. I felt the tar withdrawing out of my mouth, so I pulled backwards and managed to break free of the burning death-hold.
I hobbled away as fast as I could, gasping for breath and coughing up acrid smoke, “Harmony? What’s harmonious about killing innocent people?” I wheezed.
Dan swooped in again, aiming for the reduced assailant's head this time. Without the element of surprise though, Zero-One easily blocked the attack, grabbing Dan’s hind legs and holding him upside down.
“Lemme go, asshole!” He struggled, flapping his wings and swearing profusely. Zero-One’s chest opened up and he placed the cussing pegasus inside. He closed the rent in his body, accomplishing something I had thought was impossible: he silenced Dan.
“You are far from innocent.” said the bulging monster, lumbering over to the three of us who remained, “Interdimensional trespassing is a severe violation of the code we are programmed to uphold, one that justifies any rectification we deem necessary to retain order.” He lunged at me, but his unwieldy form allowed ample opportunity to dodge. I jumped to the left and rolled out of the way easily.
“So you think it's necessary to murder someone who accidentally broke a law they had no idea existed?” I shouted back.
“If there were a simpler solution, we would be doing that instead. By killing you here, you will instantly be transported to the sector you belong in and our work will be done.” Zero-One went for Sandra this time, and she was unable to evade. He lifted her off the ground with a bubbling fist.
“But... he’s in a coma on Earth!” She cried, fighting his unnaturally strong grip.
“That is not a concern of mine.” He replied. Berry ran in again and I joined her charge. Zero-One shot out with dark hammer-fists, but we both knew this attack was coming by now and ducked, moving in close and throwing the strongest assaults we could muster. They did next to nothing to the gooey frame.
“Dammit! We need Dan!” I hated to admit it, but we were hopeless in a fight without him.
“Why don’t you make this easy for yourselves and allow me to fulfill my purpose?” The bastard gloated.
“Fuck that noise!” I shouted, kicking angrily. Zero-One swatted Berry and I away from him with an powerful swipe.
“It is futile. I have existed since before your worlds came to be. I cannot be destroyed by such pitiful means-” His mockery was cut short by a sudden explosion of colour, like a hundred firecrackers going off in his face. From my position on the floor, I could see the bright glow coming from Sandra’s horn, the colours shooting out and scrambling the robot’s optics, temporarily blinding him.
Sandra fell clumsily to the ground as Zero-One tried to recover from the visual onslaught. Thinking fast, she stood and jammed her horn into the hot tar. Zero-One growled in frustration and sent her soaring across the room with one fell swoop.
The damage had been done though, and before he could close the hole up, Dan burst out of his boiling prison like an alien from that movie (you know, the one with the aliens?) He fell to the floor as steam billowed off his body, gasping for air. Elevator doesn’t seems so bad now, does it? I thought.
“God... Fucking... Dammit.” He heaved and barfed; thick black tar flowed from his mouth and nostrils.
“Why must you resist?” Zero-One fumed, smaller still after the impromptu chest evacuation.
“Why are you so stubborn?” Berry shot back, helping Sandra up as I made sure Dan was okay. “Can’t we sit down like adults and work something out here? Honestly, making Pina brush her teeth is easier than this...”
“NO.” He shrieked, “Regardless of circumstances, actions have consequences. The anomaly must be punished and removed.” He sprung forward and we kept our distance, avoiding his increasingly frantic attacks.
Dan pushed me away and scrambled onto his hooves, taking sloppily to the air. “This mother fucker is going DOWN!” Running on pure anger, adrenaline, and copious amounts of testosterone, he zoomed in and attacked the beast head-on.
Dan thrashed with brutal efficiency, flinging hot goop everywhere and cursing enough to make a sailor blush. Zero-One shrieked effeminately again (seriously, it sounded like a 15 year old girl getting run over by a steamroller) as he tried to slap away the irate blur that was tearing him apart.
“And that’s for sticking me in your fucking chest, you cock-gargling sack of shi-”
The reduced mass of Zero One finally connected, gripping Dan's neck and slamming him to the ground. His antenna crackled to life and a second later, the doors slid open. In rushed dozens of reinforcements who surrounded us, blocking our only exit. Zero-One’s arm formed a sharp point and raised it over his pinned prey. We stopped in our tracks. There were too many, and I we moved, Dan was dead. And without Dan, we didn't stand a chance.
Just like that, we had lost.
That’s it then. We failed. I thought gloomily. Luna had believed in me, she was sure I could do this. But I couldn’t. Just like everything else I had ever tried to do, I wasn't good enough. These bastards wanted to punish me, and I surely would be. After watching my friend get killed, I’d be doomed to a living death as I rotted away in a hospital bed until a power I couldn’t comprehend decided I had finally suffered enough and allowed me to die.
Have faith in yourself. Luna’s words echoed in my head.
“Wait!” I cried before the knife-point opened my roommate’s throat, “Look... I-I’m sorry I trespassed in Equestria. I was bored with my life and just wanted some excitement! I don’t even know how I did it!” All eyes, organic and otherwise, fell on the wretched space-time criminal pleading for mercy. “If... if there was a switch I could hit that would turn it off, I would use it. I’d give it all up for a chance at a normal life, honest. If I need to be punished, isn’t there a way you can... take away the one thing that makes me special? Would that be punishment enough?”
The words tumbled out before I could stop them. Was I really willing to give that up? Even if it saved my life?
Everything was uncomfortably still for what felt like a long time.
“You would be willing to shut yourself off from all external influence?” Zero-One asked calmly, his arm still poised in murder position.
I paused in shock, surprised my desperate pattering had done anything, and took in the scene around me. The black tar monsters surrounded my friends-turned-ponies and Berry Punch, a character from a kids TV show. Outside, the beautiful, alien landscape stretched out before me, stars glittering brightly in the darkness it floated on. It was all the product of the unique ability I had discovered; my one true special talent.
And now I was going to have to give it all up.
“Yes.” I said with a sigh, “But, only if you can wake me up from my coma. Then you can do... whatever you feel you have to. And nobody gets killed.”
The machine computed the scenario, calculating the variables while Dan struggled underfoot. Zero-One hardly seemed to notice. “We have been developing a procedure to stop anomalies like you from crossing the void. It is designed to block out the signals you used to find this place and transport yourself here. If you are willing to help us test this procedure, we will do what we can to aid you in your predicament.”
"Really?" I balked at that; the sudden change of heart was just too fishy. But... Luna herself said these guys weren't evil villains, just... the keepers of order in a system of unending chaos. "So, if I do this, you’d help me wake up and send us all home? Murder free?”
“Affirmative. However, I cannot guarantee success. This solution is more difficult for us, but we would get invaluable test data from a willing subject. Our offer stands.”
“And this procedure... are there any side effects?” May as well know what I’m getting into, “Or like, anal probing?” Can't be too careful.
“...No, though your mind will still attempt to seek out external input while you sleep. This will not affect you while awake, but at night, your mind will continually call out to the void, but receive nothing back.”
“You're saying he won’t be able to have dreams anymore?” Sandra asked as I came to the same realization.
Zero-One's eyes shifted to look at the unicorn, “Affirmative. Isolation is the key to this procedure." She gasped, and his eyes turned back to me, "We will be watching you as well, to ensure the effects are retained over time.”
I slumped and fell to my haunches. That meant I’d be going back to my tedious, uneventful life, with no escape. Ever. Sandra and Berry gave me sympathetic looks and I felt the desolation sink in.
Faith in yourself. The words resounded again. Maybe what Luna meant was that I didn’t need all this. That I held the keys to my own future. Is it not possible to lead an interesting life without interdimensional trespassing? Guess I was going to find out.
“...Is there any other way?” Berry asked. Zero-One reformed his spear arm and positioned it above Dan.
“I’ll do it.” I said with a sigh of resignation. “For fuck’s sake, I’ll do it.”
We traveled through the ship in silence, flanked by numerous Tards. My bruised and bloodied friends apparently weren’t in the mood for chatting with the one who gave them their beatings, I know I wasn't. Dan seemed particularly bitter, most likely because of losing to the tar figure leading the way. Zero-One plodded along, having returned to his pony form, completely oblivious to the awkwardness of the situation.
I noticed all this in passing, my thoughts moving a mile a minute. I was about to undergo a never-before-tested alien surgery that would take away my only natural gift. Not to mention there was still a possibility that I’d be spending the rest of my days a vegetable. To say I was apprehensive would be a huge understatement.
Zero-One lead us back to the hangar we had been mistakenly teleported to earlier and out through a side door. The large room inside was filled with more input-less computers and a huge glowing cylinder in the center that spanned from floor to ceiling. It pulsated with blue light and hummed slightly. Thick wires branched off it to dozens of metal pods that lined the walls.
“This is the Matter Transference Bay.” Zero-One informed us flatly, breaking the tense silence, “We use it to send only urgent enforcements and supplies across the universe. It will be sending you back to your respective sectors.”
“I hate your fucking face.” Dan huffed. Guess he was still a little butthurt.
“If you would, please enter a pod and prepare for transference.” Zero-One commanded, ignoring Dan. Smart move.
“What? Right now?” I asked in confusion. “What about the procedure?”
“That must be done to your original form, for it is the one that communes with the void. Assuming you awaken on your world, I shall be there shortly to personally uphold our agreement.”
“Oh, uhhh, okay then.” I said, then turned to the others, “I guess this is it then...”
Berry ran up and hugged me for what was bound to be the last time, regardless of what happened to me. “What you’re doing is insane.” She said reassuringly, “What am I supposed to tell Pina?”
I hugged back, “Tell her the truth. I want her to learn what I have so she doesn’t make the same mistakes.”
She smiled at me with misty eyes. “I’m going to miss you, Jon. I know we haven’t actually know each other long... but you’re the first pony I’ve really connected with in a long time.”
I released the purple dipsomaniac and smiled at her. “Not a pony, remember?” She laughed, and punched my in the shoulder with a hoof.
“Uggg, just when things were getting not gay... “Dan said dramatically, stepping into the nearest pod. “Can we just get the fuck out of here? I can’t deal with this crap anymore.”
Berry rolled her eyes and broke her hug, “Eight.” she said to the impatient pegasus. He stared back in confusion. “To answer your question from earlier? I give you an 8. Maybe 8.5; you were pretty awesome back there.”
Dan's face lit up in realization, then he beamed smugly. “Finally, some recognition!”
Berry giggled and faced Sandra, “It was a pleasure to meet you Sandra! I hope things work out well, for all of you.” She gave me a knowing look and I blushed right through my soon-to-be-gone coat.
“You too! And just so you know, you were always one of my favourite background ponies. You should try to get more lines in if you can! Crash one of Pinkie’s parties or something.” They let each other go and Sandra entered a pod after shooting my an encouraging smile.
Then I said my final words to Berry.“Welp, I suppose this is goodbye forever. It was amazing to meet you though, and don’t forget what I told you in Twilight’s basement.” I said, trying to push what she had said to Dan out of my head. I mean... 8.5? No way...
She smiled bashfully, “I will. And don’t worry, you get a nine for the whole jackalope stunt.”
Oh YEAH! Kiss my red ass, Dan!
Laughing to ourselves, we hugged one last time and entered the pods next to Dan and Sandra.
Zero-One did his weird tar walk (yep, still creepy) and stood where we could all see him. “I must issue one final stipulation; do not tell any others about what happened here, or about our existence. We’d prefer to stay in the shadows of existance.”
“Oh yeah?! And what’re you gonna do to stop us asshole?” Dan snapped, releasing his pent up anger.
Zero-One’s antenna crackled and Dan’s pod was sealed shut by a thick glass door, silencing Dan for a second time. This guy’s good. I thought as Dan banged on the inside furiously, shouting curses we couldn’t hear.
“If we detect an increase in anomalous activity originating from either of your worlds, we shall consider our deal rescinded, and actions will be taken to quell the influx.” He finished, letting the threat hang in the air heavily.
"We understand.” I said, breaking ensuing the silence. I knew Berry would still tell Pina what happened to me anyway, she was just amazing like that. ”So... these pods will send us home, right?”
“Correct. She will merely be transported back to site alpha on the planet below,” Zero-One gestured at Berry, "and you three across the void and back into your bodies. Your sector is relatively close, but a great amount of energy is still required. Your current forms will be dismantled on a molecular scale and returned to the universe, but you will be heedless of this destruction.” He crackled again and the blue cylinder glowed brighter and buzzed louder, sending mysterious energy down the cables to every pod but mine.
I didn’t exactly like that ‘molecular dismantling’ bit; I had grown fond of my pony body. On the other hoof, it was still better than being murdered into a never-ending coma. “But what about me?” I asked, trying not to think about my imminent disintegration and instead watching the machines operate. Even Dan stopped banging on the glass to watch. Or maybe he just got bored.
“Your pod will be given an increased charge after the others have transported. Your consciousness will enter the inoperable body with far greater force than theirs do, initiating a hard reset, and likely waking you up.”
“Likely?” I repeated cynically.
“I did say there was no guarantee. The other pods are ready, initiating transference now. ” He signaled again and I heard Sandra and Berry’s pods seal themselves. The buzzing intensified tenfold with an intense light that burned my retinas, likely causing permanent. Not that it mattered, they were going to be dissolved soon anyway.
There was a loud discharge of energy and I found myself alone with Zero-One. My vision and hearing returned slowly as he began to charge my pod. “Transference successful.” Zero-One said and I sighed with relief. No matter what happened to me, my friends were safe. My pod continued to charge with what must have been an ungodly amount of energy, “Is testing this procedure really worth all this?” I asked as the question surfaced in my head.
“If it works, we will be able to stop anomalies with increased efficiency, saving us immeasurable time and energy.”
I shook my head at that, “That’s what this all boils down to, isn't it? Is interdimensional trespassing really as bad as you think it is? I mean, I was able to learn so much from all this, and I think I really touched some of the ponies I met. How can that be a crime?”
The machines continued to amass power noisily under Zero-One's unblinking eyes. “You have not seen the true face of the universe." he said, then tone of his synthetic voice lowering in a way that almost sounded regretful, "Greed and lust for power have destroyed so much, and allowing its spread would doom countless lives and civilizations. There have been many others with your gift over the millennia, you see, most try to run from us. You have been the first to willingly give up your power, an anomaly among anomalies.”
I let that sink in. As much as I hated the gooey bastard, I’m sure he’d prevented an unimaginable amount of suffering by following his programming. He was basically a saint, dealing with evil on a universal scale so others could have better lives.
“I... want to thank you. Not just for helping me, but for what you Overseers do. I think I’m starting to understand... but, for the record, you could've saved us all a lot of fucking trouble by just explaining shit though in the first place.” I said heatedly to the thing that had tried to kill me on more than one occasion. He may be saintly, but he was still a jerk.
He looked into my soul with his pupil-less eyes and didn’t respond for a while.
“Perhaps we'll look into warning cards..." He finally said, "The pod is now charged. Prepare for transference.”
I face-hoof’d, giving my abused body one last bruise. “Might be a good idea, dude. Now let’s do this.”
The glass door slid shut and I was surrounded by light. It intensified until it was burning every part of me, inside and out. I found I could no longer feel the floor, and then, with a roar as loud as a jet engine, all my senses went dark.
That old feeling of terror resurfaced; the one where I had no idea where I was. Everything was black, silent. I couldn’t feel anything.
Oh Jesus, it didn’t work... I’m in a coma and I’ll never wake up and...?” I stopped thinking, at least I thought I was thinking. “...Can I... hear this?” A quiet voice echoed quietly from the darkness. It sounded like it was underwater, and coming out of the world’s shittiest speakers, but it was undeniably my voice.
“Hello?” I tried to say a little louder. The voice was louder too. “HELLO!” I said as loud as I could. The return wasn’t very much, but it was something. I tried to blink, but the darkness wouldn’t part. I floated on my unfeeling body, giving my senses time to reboot.
Another sound slowly became apparent, a rhythmic tapping which I eventually identified as rain. My black world transitioned to dark gray, and around me, the dark room came into focus. Though I wasn’t able to move my head, I realized I was lying on a bed in a hospital at night. A window in the door let in light from the hallway outside and rain pattered against a window to my right somewhere.
“I’m back... and awake!... or maybe, I’m still in a coma and none of this is real...” Uuggg, not this thought train again.
Faith in yourself. I remembered, pushing the thoughts away and attempting to move my numb body. Before I had a chance, however, the room went dark again. I tried to figure out why, when I noticed a dark shape with glowing eyes outside in the hall, blocking the light.
I froze in fear as the door slowly opened and a black mass of tar in the shape of a man with twin antennae entered. It moved slowly up to my bedside and placed some sort of device against my head. I fought to get a look at it, but it was beyond the range of my peripherals.
“Be still.” A gravelly voice ordered, “This will only take a moment.”
“Will it hurt?” I asked in a tiny whisper, breathing unsteadily and preparing to be a guinea pig. He didn’t answer, which made it a buttload harder.
Unit Zero-One made adjustments to the device and I waited for my punishment. “Are you ready?” He asked after what felt like an eternity.
“As I’ll ever be.” I lied. There was no way to ever be ready for this.
He activated the machine, and my head exploded with pain.
My head pounded with the force of a billion hangovers. The light shinning through my eyelids made me nauseous, and slightest noise set off a tremor of unbearable pain. The fluorescent lights above buzzed electrically, rattling my gray matter. I groaned in pain.
“He’s awake!” A voice shouted; the sudden onslaught of sound almost making me puke, then almost shit myself. Then almost puke again. My body was very disoriented.
“Please... humph... quietly...” I pleaded softly.
“OH!... Sorry...” Sandra whispered, which still hurt like fucking hell.
“It’s... okay,” I opened my puffy eyes with effort. Everything hurt and I was shaking all over, but through it all I was able to make out the beautiful blonde woman sitting on my bed.
“Hey... you’re not a pony.” I said hazily. I could barely keep my eyes open and the room was spinning.
“Neither are you, ‘Night Cap’.” She giggled, then sighed and took my limp hand. Hey, hands! Oh how I've missed you. “I woke up in my bed last night so worried; I nearly went crazy waiting for visitation hours this morning. It was awful.” I watched her through a fog as she leaned in and hugged me gently. I say it was gentle, but I still almost barfed again.
Biting back tears of pain and sickness, I lifted a heavy arm around her and returned the hug, flexing my recently returned fingers. “Sandra,” I focused. There was something I had to say, after all. “I... kinda, really like you.”
“No kidding?” She said sarcastically, breaking the hug and looking into my eyes. She put her hands on my cheeks and placed a soft kiss on my lips. It was amazing. It was perfect. I still almost threw up, but in the best kind of way possible. She sat back and smiled. “Cause, I kinda really like you too. Even though you almost puked in my mouth just now.”
I laughed painfully, “You could tell?”
“Of course, jerk!” She joked, moving in for a another agonizing hug. I was reminded of my first meeting with Fluttershy. “So, did... they do it already?”
I hugged back weakly, recalling my visitor last night. “Yes.” We continued to embrace lovingly. I had lost something, and the pain from that would stay with me forever, but in that moment I had something to hold onto, and I didn't want to let go.
“Oh, Jon...” Sandra whispered sadly.
We held onto each other for a very long time and I couldn't help but smile. It wasn’t all bad, all was not lost. I had this moment, and it was everything life should be, everything I was missing out on by hiding away in my dreams. It was everything I had been missing, but not anymore.
This was a new beginning for Jon Clarke. The beginning of a new life, a better life.
Suddenly, the door burst open with a bang louder than an atomic bomb. My whole body shook with pain as Dan jumped into the room with a half-empty bucket of fried chicken and yelled, “Sup dorks! What’s shakin’?” while biting into a greasy drumstick.
It was just too much for me. I couldn’t hold it any longer. With a full body wretch, I vomited all over Sandra; in her face, in her hair. Everywhere. She rolled off the bed in disgust and I emptied the rest of my stomach onto myself.
“Fuck, Dan!” Sandra swore, the first I’ve heard her do so, “You really know how to spoil the mood!”
“What? How is this my fault?” He asked, taking another bit of chicken, unaffected by my bodily display.
I sat heaving in my own puke. “You. Fucking. SHITHEAD.” I shouted, gathering a handful of up-chuck and whipping it at his stupid face, my anger overcoming the stiffness.
The barf projectile splattered wetly all over him. He stood in disbelief, then threw the soiled fast food to the floor. “Now you fucked up, man.” He jumped onto my sullied bed and we wrestled in the puke, hitting each other wildly and swearing like crazy. Several nurses ran in to stop the retardedness as Sandra sat on the floor, cleaning herself up and shaking her head.
It's hard to believe that was all seven years ago now. But even with only one life, time moves fast.
A lot has happened to me since then, but whatever the Overseers did to my head that night in the hospital stuck. I never had another dream again. Though I was initially sad about this loss, it actually worked out well for me. Without the crutch of dreaming, I was forced to live a better life.
I got my old post-production job back, but it was mostly just to build up my savings. I left less than a year later and co-founded my own production company, with Sandra as a business partner.
She is without a doubt the highlight of my new life. We started dating as soon as I was back on my feet, and have been going steady ever since. I showed her all my notes from the pony dreams and filled her in on what I did before she showed up. She loved it all, though I could tell she was still a little disappointed she didn’t get to spend as much time in Equestria as I had.
We still had the show, however, which we watched together every week. It was so great to watch with someone else, instead of alone with headphones on like I used to. The fact that we had been there only made the show better. We were watching the first time Pinkie waved at the camera. The fandom assumed the animators were just having fun with Pinkie's fourth wall breaking, but we knew what was really going on. There was also an episode in season 5 where Berry Punch bursts into a party scene for apparently no reason. It made me smile ear to ear, but also a little sad. I missed the purple drunk. She holds her booze way better than Sandra can...
Eventually, like all things do, the show came to an end. It had a good run (and an amazing movie that made up for that Equestria Girls garbage) and one day, I’ll be watching it with my kids. Or, I should say, Sandra and I will be. We got engaged more than a year ago, but we’ve been so busy with the company we haven’t had time to plan a wedding, let alone a honeymoon.
As of now, our company ‘Jackalope Foot Media’ has several cartoons on air, and produces a ton of online content too. Sandra has a hand in all the graphics we make and I supervise the whole post department. It’s hard work, but I really enjoy every show we make.
Though we don’t live together anymore, I do still hang out with Dan every once in awhile. He may be a dick, and we always fight over the dumbest little things, but he’s the most interesting company you could ever find. The stuff we’ve done together... I’d say its equally part awesome and insane (though it’s more like 20-80.) He fights in the UFC circuit now, using moves I once saw him pull off as a pegasus.
Dan never really spoke about our interdimensional adventure, though I tried to talk to him about it many times. He would usually say, “don’t bring up that gay shit.” and change the topic, so I eventually stopped trying. There was this one time, however, when we were both very drunk, and out of the blue he said, “No joke man, I wish I had those wings back.”
I honestly had no idea how to respond to that, but before I even could, he grabbed me by the shirt and raised a fist, “Tell anyone I said that, and you die.”
I told Sandra the next day. We had a good laugh.
All-in-all, things were going well for me. Sure, I wasn’t fighting monsters or traversing the multiverse, but I was happy. Well, okay, I still thought about it sometimes. I just couldn't shake the feeling that I had really missed out, and if things had gone differently...
I pushed the thoughts away and turned my attention back to my computer screen.
I sat in my spacious office, going over the latest cuts for episode 14 of our newest show, 'Surfin’ Fish' and jotting down all the mistakes I saw. Mistakes I was likely going to have to fix myself. I sipped my extra large coffee and rubbed my eyes as the orange fish on my screen fell off his surfboard and was split in half by a sharp rock.
“Looks like nobody added the blood splatter there...” I made a note on my pad, '5:33:02, blood goes hurr.' I unpaused the clip and kept watching, when the phone on my desk rang, the light on it showing the call came from the front desk. I lifted the receiver.
“Yes?”
“Hey Jon? It’s the front desk.” Joanne, the secretary said. She’s... new. Well, new-ish.
“I... see. And how are things going over there?” I asked sarcastically, taking another sip of my huge coffee.
“Good. Umm, there’s a girl standing here with pink hair.” She said. Did I mention she was dumb? Yeah, Joanne was not what one could call educates. Worked cheap though.
“Ooooh-kay. Does she... want something? With me, specifically?”
“Yeah, she’s asking for someone named ‘Night Cap.’ Said the guy in charge would know what that meant.”
I held the phone away from my face, staring at it like it was about to bite me. Was this some sort of joke? Did Sandra have something to do with this? Or Dan?
“Hello! Hello?” Joanne’s voice called from my hand.
I snapped to attention and put it back to my ear. “Hi, ummm, yeah... send her in I guess.” I hung up and immediately punched in the number to Sandra’s office down the hall. I set down my coffee carefully as the phone rang.
“Hello, this is Sandr-”
“There’s someone at the front desk looking for Night Cap.” I said, cutting off my fiancée.
She was quiet for a few beats. “I don’t have anything to do with it.” She said, “You think Dan would...?”
“I doubt it. Either way, she’s coming to my office right now.”
“On my way.” Sandra said, hanging up.
I sat alone and collected my thoughts. This really didn’t strike me as something Dan would do, plus he was in Atlanta right now for a fight. He wouldn’t embarrass me if he couldn’t be here to watch. And if Sandra didn’t do it...
My door opened, and a girl who couldn’t have been more than 16 stepped in. She had pale pink hair with light streaks in it. “Hi.” She said to me with a wide smile.
“Hi.” I said back. It seemed like the polite thing to do. “Can I... help you?”
The mysterious girl laughed and smiled wider, “Ha! I guess you don’t recognize me, huh Cap?”
“How do you know...” I stopped mid-sentence as my brain finally figured it out and shat out an answer for me, “...Pina?!”
Sandra appeared at the door, glancing at the young girl I was gaping at stupidly.
“Umm, did I miss something here?” She asked, eyeing the grinning teen warily.
“Sandra... this is Pina Colada. Berry’s sister... from Ponyville.” I said simply. Her face instantly changed to mirror mine and she looked at the girl again with disbelief, rather than cautious envy. There was a reason Joanne still had a job with us; she was too dumb to flirt.
“Hi! Nice to meet you Sandra!” Pina chirped happily. "I've heard all about you from my sis!" She extended a hand to shake, but received four eyeballs digging into her with shock.
“But... how?” I eventually managed to sputter. The animated fish was still moving on my screen. I reached out to stop the clip without looking, spilling my coffee everywhere. “Aw! Fuck!” I shouted as the hot liquid poured all over me.
“Ha! I knew it! You are Night Cap!” Pina bounced happily, just like a small pink pony I'd met seven years ago, "Berry said 'fuck' was, like, your catch phrase or something!"
“Pina, how are you... what did I... didn’t... dammit Sandra close the damn door.” I said, wiping the coffee off my crotch. “Maybe you should, take a seat.” Sandra shut the door and we all sat down around my soaked workspace.
“Okay, so spill it. What did you do? How did you find me?” I said to the adolescent filly.
“That was easy!” She replied, “I just hacked into an Overseer computer!”
“What!?” Sandra and I shouted at the same time.
“Wow, you guys sound just like my sister...” Pina muttered.
“I don’t know what you think you know about those guys, but they’re kinda bad news!” I lectured the pink-haired human, “And how are you a human anyway?”
“I... may have stolen some experimental technology after I hacked that computer... haha.” She laughed weakly. I groaned loudly. “Don’t worry! They are super predictable and easy to avoid. Plus, they’ve got much bigger fish to fry than a few missing supply crates.”
“Just a few crates then?” I could smell bullshit a mile away, and she reeked of cow patty.
“... aaaaand a Verillion Class starship...” She reluctantly admitted.
“You stole a starship?!” Sandra said, “From the guys who tried to kill us! Also, what does 'Verillion Class' mean?”
Pina shrugged it off, as if grand theft fucking spaceship was no big deal. “It’s no big deal!" Oh boy, why are kids so dumb? "And Verillion Class means it has a transference bay built in. But listen, I’m so stoked that I found you Cap!”
'Stoked', yes... I pinched the bridge of nose, “My name is Jon, and why are you even here?”
"Berry told me what they did to you, Cap. I wasn’t right for them to take away your special talent like that!” She said angrily, continuing to use the fake name Sandra had inadvertently came up with. “I kept practicing what you taught me, and I did what you did! I left my body and went to another universe!” She got up and paced the office excitedly. “It was even better than I imagined! I saw so much and met some many beings that taught me new things. It’s so awesome! ...But then, they came for me.”
I looked away. I knew they were still checking in on me. Every few years, I would catch a glimpse of a dark shape with glowing eyes, but when I turned to look, it would be gone. I wanted to believe it was my imagination, but I knew better.
“Berry told me all about what you guys did, so I was kinda expecting it,” Pina continued, “They’ve captured me a few times, but I always escape. And I hack their computers to learn more about them whenever I’m on their ships. I also take the opportunity to... borrow some of their stuff.”
“Borrowing with no intention of returning isn’t borrowing.” I pointed out. I was amazed by her story, and even a little jealous she got to have the adventures I didn't, but I was also a responsible adult now. Well, sort of...
“Anyway,” Pina took her seat again, “Once I found out where they sent you, I just knew I had to come and give back a little of what you’ve given me. So how about it you two? Ponyville is really nice this time of year, and I know lots of ponies who’d like to see Night Cap again, including my sister.”
I looked at Sandra, who had placed both her hands under her face at the mention of Ponyville.
“Well, we do have to finish the final edits for the first season of this new show...” I began. My fiancée and the pony-turned human drooped. “But what the fuck, we need a vacation anyway!”
Sandra instantly leapt out of her seat and smothered me with hugs and kisses. “Ooooooooh! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!” She rambled semi-coherently.
“Great! Ready to go then?” Pina asked, standing and hitting some buttons on the strange device around her wrist.
“What right now?” I asked, trying to fight off the loving onslaught.
“Sure! The ship can’t stay in orbit forever, and fuel is expensive. I can send you right back here after, instantly.” She replied smugly. "Oh, and I was expressly told not to bring somepony named Dan."
I nodded my approval, "Not a problem, he's not here anyway."
“Ooh! Do we get our pony bodies back?” Sandra asked, pushing off me and rushing over to Pina. She was still a total fan-girl.
“Of course! We can’t have humans walking around Equestria, waaay too noticeable. Lucky for you I downloaded the transference data from the Overseers, so I can reverse them and build you pony bodies exactly as they were when you left the Equestrian sector.”
“So... we’ll have some fresh bruises then...” I said, remembering the various fights I had lost that day.
“...We also have a medical bay.” Pina said, finishing with her inputs. “Okay, all set then?”
“Let me just... leave a note or something.” I replied. Responsible adult and all that...
I grabbed a pen and my note pad, scribbling, “Going to hang out with ponies. Be back... sometime. Finish this please” on the yellow paper and stuck it to my monitor.
“Let’s fucking go!” I shouted, pulling in Sandra close.
Pina hit another button and there was a bright flash.
