Chapter 9: Mail Order Princess
Chapter 9: Mail Order Princess
“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.” Buddah
So I spilled everything.
Luckily, I’ve read enough fanfiction to know what bases to cover, but it still took ages; even after I insisted all questions be held to the end of my little spiel. I told the curious ponies about Earth, and my previously not-so-interesting life, I explained television and the show I knew them from, and finally, how I ended up here in the first place. Sandra helped me here and there, and I think Dan got bored and took a nap on the floor (which was probably the most helpful thing he could have done. Besides choking to death.)
Twilight, Applejack, Berry Punch, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy (who had moved out of the bush and into the library) listened in fanciful amazement as we told them about our strange alien world they were somehow a part of. The concept of a cartoon was completely lost on them, but I think they got the gist of it. Once we were done, they could only stare in silence, minus Dan’s snoring. Even asleep, he found a way to be an annoying dick.
“So... ummm, are there any questions?” I asked awkwardly as they continued to stare at us... awkwardly. I cleared my throat, “I know it’s... kind of a lot to take in, but it's the truth, and that's what should-”
"YOU’RE ALIENS!” Pinkie exploded. Literally. I think being quiet for too long is bad for her brain or something. She shot up off the floor, snapping the others out of their stupor, and reappeared behind me. I don't like how she can do that, and thinking about it huts my head. “But you look just like us!” she said, poking at me warily.
“Careful Pinkie!” Rainbow said, pulling her excited friend away from the weirdos from another planet, “They’re not actually ponies, remember! They space-monkey things with magical spy-boxes. Weren’t you listening?”
Berry moved a little closer, eyeing me warily, “Wow, you really weren’t underselling it when you said you had a big secret!”
“The biggest!” I smiled weakly, “I really wanted to tell you guys, but, well it’s all so messed up and pretty damn crazy. There was no telling how you would react...”
“Ah’m... not sure what ta think 'bout all this...” Applejack said, “but... Ah am glad you finally told us the truth.” She smiled unsurely, "No matter how strange it is..."
"So... you can traverse ‘dimensions’? Just by going to sleep? How is that even possible?” Twilight asked, always the logical thinker (read: egghead.)
“An’ what about that ‘tee vee’ you mentioned? How’re ya’ll watching us like that?” Applejack added, looking around, presumably for hidden cameras. At least she didn't think we were spying on her, like Rainbow seemed set on believing.
“Wait, are you saying that... am I famous on our planet?” Rainbow asked, suddenly over her paranoia, “Is that why you wanted my autograph?”
Sandra nodded emphatically, “You’re actually my favourite! No offense to everyone else. I mean everypony else,” she giggled like a teenager at the word, “But Rainbow Dash is just... AWESOME!”
Rainbow beamed with pride, “Hey Twilight, you got a quill I can borrow?”
“Do you have bunnies on ‘Earth’?” Fluttershy asked quietly.
“Yes, we do.” I told her, jumping on the opportunity to answer an easy question, “They’re a lot like the ones here, only less... animated.”
“Come on Cap,” Twilight rolled her eyes, “... I mean, Jon. I think we have more important things to talk about than bunnies.” Her yellow friend to drooped a little. “Namely, the fact that three entities from another world are walking around Equestria in pony bodies! That just doesn’t happen in real life!” Is that what this was? From her perspective I guess. Assuming she was even real, and I wasn't a vegetable drooling all over myself. Ooh, bad thought train, pulling in...
“Like I said, I have no idea how I actually got here. I thought I was just having some sick dreams! Technically, that could still be the case! What if I’m sleeping and none of you are even real?” Shit, the more I thought about it, the more that made sense. I mean, I wanted my friends here, and suddenly they were here. How did I know they were real?
Pinkie wiggled a hoof at me, “Pshhhh, if I wasn’t real, could I do THIS?” Suddenly, she jumped up and landed on her hind legs, peddling her forelegs and screaming “I’M REAL! I’M REAL! I’M REAL!”
“Pinkie, stop. Please.” Twilight said, massaging her aching brain.
“Of course this is real, Jon!” Sandra said, “Dan and I are here now, so you have another perspective on the same phenomenon. One minute, I was sleeping in my bed at home, then next, I'm a unicorn! Doesn’t that prove it?”
“Well... no, not really.” I pointed out, "And that's exactly what dream-you would say, dosen't really prove anything." This could all be in my head. I never really gave that thought much credence; things were just too real for me to even think of them as dreams anymore. I guess the only way to find out for sure would be if I died. Maybe I should go back to my original plan and wait for the tar ponies to come back...
“...Oh crap! The tar ponies!” I said out loud.
“Those creatures that attacked Ponyville? Do you know anything about them?” Twilight asked.
"No, but I do know they’ll be back for me. For some reason, they don’t want me in your world. Their leader told me they’re the ‘keepers of order’ and he kept calling me an anomaly that needed to be fixed.”
“They’re... going to c-come back?!” Fluttershy whispered, making herself as small as possible.
“Well, he is kind of intruding on our world...” Twilight said, turning from Fluttershy to me, “Even though you don’t mean us any harm, and came here purely by accident, I can see why they would want you gone.” I a gave her a scowl for agreeing with my enemies about wanting me dead. I thought we were cool, man.
“That doesn’t mean they get to attack us and try to kill him!" Berry added, also scowling at Twilight.
The unicorn blushed, "Oh, no, of course not! That's barbaric, and not at all what I was insinuating."
“Where’d they go anyway? I own them a major beat-down for wrecking the town!” Rainbow said, punching her hooves together angrily. Dan farted in his sleep and rolled onto his side. What a paragon of humanity he is.
I shook my head, “No idea, but they could be back any second.”
Suddenly, the door burst open violently, causing everypony in the room to jump out of their skin (not literally, of course, that would be very messy.) Even Dan woke up (yaaaaaay) shouting, “Get offa me you crazy bitch!” Fluttershy yelped and disappeared behind a nearby couch.
Twilight was the first to regain her composure, and actually look to see who was there before entering full-on panic mode. “Princess... Luna?” The rest of us calmed down, and the locals bowed low as princess of the night walked into the tree.
Luna stood tall, proud, and regal in way that are hard to put into words. She was the very embodiment of mystery and intrigue, and I was gawking at her like some sort of rubbernecking yokel. I’m no clopper, but she was undoubtedly the most beautiful creature I had ever laid my eyes on. “Yes, Twilight Sparkle. We have come to take charge of this most delicate of situations.” She said without using the royal Canterlot voice. Good for her! I would have been proud, if I wasn’t so star-struck but her appearance. Which was entirely acceptable, considering her elegant, star-filled mane.
“But... I thought Princess Celestia was coming?” Twilight said, then quickly added, ”Not to say it isn’t good to see you!”
“We- I understand. She was planning on coming, but together we decided my talents in the world of dreams made me better suited for a quick resolution to all of this. Now, where is this, ‘Jon’?”
“It’s in the back, but it’s for paying customers only.” Dan said to the Princess.
Unbelievable, he’s awake for thirty seconds, and he’s already insulting royalty. That’s got to be some kind of record. Academy or otherwise.
“I beg your pardon, human?” Luna replied, not getting the (stupid) joke.
“Ya’ll can tell they ain't really ponies? That’s amazing!” Applejack said, earning a look from Luna. “...Er... your highness.” she tacked on.
“Of course, dear Applejack. We have been watching this one since he arrived in our world.” She said, pointing at me from across the room and walking over with a commanding, yet gentle stride, “He has traveled unfathomable lengths to get here, and done things even I once considered impossible.”
“So, they really are aliens?” Pinkie bounced. I doubted very much that she knew what xenophobia was.
“Indeed. From their perspective, they come here while dreaming. But to us, it is just the opposite. I was able to glimpse their world as they slept here. It is a most strange and chaotic place. Filled with equal parts happiness and sorrow. These three are, in fact, the ambassador's of another planet...”
“Oh hey, I’m still in gay pony land. I thought you said you go back when you fall asleep? What gives?” Dan said, wiping the sleep from his eyes.
“....By default, of course.” Luna said, raising an eyebrow at the blue pegasus. Way to make a good impression on behalf of humanity, Dan.
“Wait, you didn’t wake up at home?” I asked him. That was probably a bad sign. I couldn’t do it because the body I was trying to go back to was in a deep coma (and currently pooping itself, but that’s kind of unrelated and based solely on speculation.)
Dan shook his jet-black mane, “Naw, I just had a weird dream about a-”
I quickly raised a hoof to silence him, “Okay, we don’t need to hear the rest of that-”
“-mermaid trying to fuck me.”
“And thanks for that.” Why do I even bother?
“Please, be quiet both of you,” Luna said impatiently, “I do have some rather important things to discuss with you. Also, I must insist that you reign in your... colourful dialect.”
“I apologize, Princess Luna,” I said with a bow. May as well attempt to salvage a shred of dignity for my race. I was an ambassador, after all. Even if it was by default, “My name is Jon Clarke, and this is my friend Sandra. The unrefined moron back there is Dan.”
“If I had fingers, I be showing you the middle one, asshole.” He said, holding up a hoof and flapping his wings.
Princess Luna stared wide-eyed at Dan and I as we bickered, then looked askance at Twilight. I've seen that look before, it's pretty easy to identify after the hundredth time. It basically translates to ‘are you fucking kidding me.’
"...Are they always like this?” She asked her sister’s faithful student.
“As far as I can tell...” Twilight answered with a facehoof. The other ponies watched in awe as the madness unfolded before them.
“Excuse me, Princess Luna?" Sandra interjected, catching the aliconr's attention, " Wow. Hi, I'm Sandra. Big Fan. But... if Dan couldn’t wake up, does that mean we’re stuck here too?!” There was worry in her voice, which served to get the conversation back on track.
“I am afraid so, Sandra.” Luna said to the seafoam unicorn, making her smile widely. It's not everyday you get adressed by royalty, especially horse royalty. I ignored the asinine comments Dan was making and refocused on her words. “You see, when Jon entered our world, he did so by his own means. I’m not entirely sure how, but his spirit crossed the endless void of time and space, constructing a new body out the various chemical elements floating throughout the universe. By way of some divine magic or the tenacity of his imagination, the pony that stands before us took shape. It was truly an amazing feat!”
Despite my amazement at finally having an explanation, I blushed. I was being complimented by a honest to God princess! For something I literally did in my sleep! “Oh, it was... nothing really ha...ha.” I said, rubbing the back of my neck.
“Big whoop, I can bench three hundred pounds.” Dan said, flexing his muscles at Rainbow Dash. She rolled her eyes and flew over to check on Fluttershy, who had not come out from behind the couch. I'm pretty sure she was hiding a blush, which is gross, wrong, disgusting and gross. Bleh.
Luna smiled at my modesty, then continued, addressing Sandra and (to a lesser extent) Dan, “You two, however, did not come here the same way. Again, Jon was able to reach out across the void, only this time he was able to pull your spirits through while you slept. Forms were constructed once again, and now, here you all stand.”
Everypony listened intently (except Dan, he was flexing his wings and preparing to earn more bruises.) As great as it was to finally be getting some answers, they only lead to more questions. "But, how could I know you guys were actually out here? And for that matter, how can there be a show for little girls starring all of you in my world?”
"HA! You admitted it’s a show for little girls!” Dan laughed, attempting to fly by buzzing his wings and standing upright on his rear legs.
Rainbow Dash wore an extremely pained look of disgust as she watched the display. “Uhhh, I know you're just an alien in a pegasus body, but you fly worse than a newborn foal.” She groaned loudly, “It’s embarrassing to watch.”
“Know know what?! Why don’t you go show him some moves? Actually yes, do that. Get him out of here. I’m tired of hearing words come out of his mouth.” I snapped at the prismatic pegasus.
“Harhar, very funny douche. Anyway I don’t need no help!” Dan objected with a double negative, so I guess he was technically right. "Watch this!” He dug firmly into the floor, legs partially outstretched. His wings snapped open and buzzed like before, creating a forceful gale behind him. He leapt forwards and shot across the room, sending himself speeding towards Berry, who had to duck under the inept pegasus. Everyone cried out as Dan collided with one of the bookshelves surrounding the room, starting avalanche of books in his wake. Twilight was too stunned to even yell at the blue lunatic. Dan landed roughly, frowning at his wings. “Wait... No, okay, here how about this!” He said, repeating his previous maneuver... and crashing straight through a window.
Rainbow's jaw dropped as the glass scattered everywhere with a soft tinkling. She looked over and glared at me, and I cringed a little, "I'm only doing this so he doesn't hurt anypony out there." She held the look, then flew out the broken window after Dan, who I personally hoped had some glass in his eyes. Just enough to be excruciatingly painful.
“Haha! I like him!” Pinkie chirped. I looked at her the same way everyone in the room was. The kind of look you give a child when it touches something burning hot, right after you told it not to. “What?”
“Don’t encourage him Pinkie, for everyone’s sake, just, don’t.” I told the pink party planner, “Please, go on Princess, I’m thrilled to be getting some answers at last!”
“Yes, it will be nice to have fewer distractions. And please, call me Luna.” She said, her ethereal mane dancing divinely next to her on an enchanted wind, “And to answer your earlier question, I must first explain the nature of the dimensions as they exist. You see, there are constantly telepathic signals being sent out from every being from every world. My sister and I can sometimes pick up on external signals if they are strong enough, though we have almost no influence upon them. We perceive them as images or thoughts from alien words. There are even some ponies who can perceive them, and I would not doubt there are those in your own world who can, too. Likely, one or more of the creators of this ‘television show’ can do it, that’s how they were able to so accurately depict our lives. They probably didn’t realize the thoughts and ideas were coming from external sources, and imagined they were coming up with it themselves.”
“And Cap- I mean Jon, he can do it too?” Berry asked, trying to follow the complicated explanation. I had caught her rubbing her head several times as Luna spoke. Inter-dimensional physics was doubtfully something the wine-maker studied in her free time.
“His abilities are much more refined. Not only was he able to detect our signals, and pinpoint the location of our dimension, but he also launched his spirit here. I have never seen anything like it! Surely this must be his special talent.”
My special talent. Wow, now that’s a doozy. Can't say I saw that one coming.
“And those tar-robot things, how do they fit into all this?” Twilight asked darkly.
Oh yeah, the guys who are trying to kill me and could show up any second. I keep forgetting about them.
Luna lifted a contemplative hoof under her regal chin, “Of them, we know very little. You came into contact with them, Twilight. They use a very strange signal to communicate. Were you able to sense it as well?”
“Uhm... Yes, I think I did. But, I thought it was the same one I was getting from Cap.” Twilight said, her horn glowing to check that my “magical aura” was still doing it’s freaky thing.
“Similar, perhaps, but not that same. All things from beyond our world will produce a divergent signal, but theirs is very distinct. And we have sensed before,” Luna said, producing gasps and mutters from around the room, including one from Fluttershy, still being protected by the velvet cushions of her couch-shield.
Twilight sighed, realizing the pegasus had been back there the whole time. “You can come out now, Fluttershy.”
A yellow head poked up from behind the red piece of furniture. “Oh... ummm... h-hi Princess...” She stuttered meekly.
Unfortunately, a loud, badly-timed bang on the side of the tree, followed but a barrage of cursing, sent her right back down again.
“Ummm... hello.” Luna said to the couch, which whimpered in response. “Anyway, I believe these beings are tasked with protecting the different worlds from each other, so that all may live in peace. Every time Celestia or I have picked up on their signal, it has been preceded by one from another world. They come to ensure things are in order, we assume, though we know not how nor why. There have been ponies throughout the ages who have studied them, but they know about as much as I am telling you now.”
“That must be why I've never heard or read about them before.” Twilight said, disappointed at her own ignorance.
“Do not fret, faithful student of Celestia, for there are few who have,” Luna reassured the purple unicorn. She leaned forward slightly and drew her eyes down, looking awfully foreboding. “Those few, however... refer to them as, ‘The Overseers’.” The couch whimpered again.
“Overseers? So, they’re the ones who want me dead...” I thought out loud.
“Verily, and likely you’re companions as well.” Luna added, most undelicately.
“What?! I’m trapped here and someone wants to kill me for no good reason?” Sandra said, then looked at me worriedly. “Geez Jon, you sure know how to show a girl a good time.”
I laughed awkwardly, “Well, it’s better than dinner and a movie... right?” She gave me a look similar to the one Pinkie had been treated to earlier, then turned her attention back to the Princess.
“So, what can we do?”
Luna closed her eyes, and her horn lit up with a shimmering blue aura. For a moment she concentrated, then said, “They are very close now, and in much greater force than the last time the attacked.” Another round of gasps. I could hear Fluttershy mumbling in worry. Luna opened her eyes and continued, “I believe you should go to them and attempt to parley, before they move into our realm. If it is possible for a compromise to be reached, then it is imperative we try.”
“Wheeew doggy.” Applejack said with a whistle, matching my thoughts exactly (albeit with a little country twist.)
"Let me get this straight," I said as the gravity of the situation sank in, “You want us to go right to the guys who want us dead. And ask them for a favour? Pardon my language Luna, but that shit don’t flush.” I said, maybe losing my cool just a little bit, “What makes you think they would even listen to us?”
Ignoring my uncouth comment, she said, “They may seem like coldhearted killers to you," yep, pretty much, "but they are merely logical thinking machines. Performing what they consider to be necessary actions to maintain our dimension's integrity. if you wish to reach a peaceful resolution, then you must provide them with a simpler solution to the problems you’ve caused.”
“And... how do we do that?” Sandra asked.
"And what problems exactly? How are we hurting anything!" I blurted out. How come I had to find the peaceful resolution when they get to attack outright?
Berry spoke up too, "He hasn't done anything wrong! He saved my life after all! That’s gotta count for something, right?"
Luna smiled at us, then looked straight into my eyes, “How you convince them is something you will have to figure out for yourself, Jon.” I shuddered at the serene stare-down, and nodded back at her. “Time, however, is something we are not fortunate enough to have. As we speak, the Overseers are preparing the invasion of our world. My top priority is ensuring the safety of my subjects, which is why we must move quickly-” She was cut off by the door bursting open again, making everypony shit themselves (again, not literally, though I was pretty damn close.)
“IT’S THE GOO GUYS! AHHHHHH!" Pinkie bellowed, diving behind the couch with Fluttershy, who screamed at the top of her lungs.
“Did... I miss something?” Said Rarity, standing at the door in confused shock.
"Dangit Rare, you scared the bejeezus outta us!” Applejack said, picking up her hat (which had totally ‘not’ fallen off when she jumped in fright.) “Don’t ya’ll know how to open a door?!”
“Well! It was hardly my fault, this door must be broken or... Princess Luna?” Rarity said, noticing the dark alicorn standing before her. She scanned the room, spotting Sandra and I, “Night Cap is back? Who’s that with him? What is going on here?”
Pinkie popped out from behind the couch, making Rarity jump in return, “Weeeeel, Cap is actually an alien named Jon! He came from another world where we’re a show for little girls but now he’s stuck here and that’s his friend Sandra and Dan is the pegasus outside with Dash. Those goopey things are trying to kill them and they’re about to attack Equestria at ANY MINUTE!” She said excitedly in a giant breath that would put an Olympic swimmer to shame.
Rarity blinked a few times. “...Oh. Is... that all?” She managed calmly.
I rose out of my ‘try not to poop myself’ position and approached the Element of Generosity, “Pretty much. I know it’s a lot to take in... but you’re actually doing a very good job of it.”
She tsk'd and brushed back her luxurious purple mane, “When you’ve lived in Ponyville as long as I have, you learn to deal with such news. It’s a pleasure to formally meet you Jon, and you as well Sandra.”
Fair enough.
“Please, if we can get back on task? Time is fleeting.” Luna said, reclaiming our attention, “I can teleport the three of you to the source of the signal. This should put you directly in front of the Overseer commander, who I believe you’ve had the pleasure of meeting.”
“Is that the one who almost choked me to death?” She nodded. “Brilliant.”
"He is the one you must confer with. Pinkie? Would you be so kind as to fetch Dan for us?”
“Caaaan do!” She said with a salute, running out the front door, which opened with a loud slam.
“Huh, I guess it is broken...” Twilight mused.
“I told you.” The other unicorn replied. “Also, it appears you need a new window.”
Suddenly, Dan burst through the remaining window beside the broken one and took out the couch Fluttershy was hiding behind, smashing it into the opposite wall and reducing it to splinters.
“Make that ‘windows’...” Rarity corrected in awe.
“Did you guys see that! Bullseye, baby!” Dan said, wiping the dust from his coat. Rainbow flew through the new entrance and landed softly, surveying the damage Dan had done in ten seconds flat. Pinkie also jumped through the window, stating that “everyone else was doing it.”
“Can you please stop destroying my home, you muscle-bound ignoramus?!” Twilight shouted at Dan.
“You live here? In a tree?” Dan asked, laughing before she had a chance to respond.
She closed her eyes, likely resisting the urge to cast a spell to turn him into mulch. I wouldn't have stopped her. “Luna, would you kindly GET HIM OUT OF HERE?!”
“Gladly. Gather around humans, for it is time for you to go.” She said.
“Where are we going?” Dan asked, flapping over and standing next to Sandra and I.
“To convince the tar robot things not to kill us. You should probably just be quiet the whole time.” I said to my ‘friend.’ This is the guy I was wishing was here last night. What’s wrong with me?
“I’m coming too.” Berry said. All eyes fell on the currently sober drunk.
“What? Berry, why?” I asked.
“Well, you’ve already saved my life. And my sister's. So if I can help save yours by pleading your case, well, then I kinda have no choice.” She said, joining the three aliens and taking up position to my left, "Also, I’m not the one they want anyway." She said cheerily while jabbing out a hoof and winking.
"Oh... Right. Well that's sorta comforting..." I answered her, grinning uneasily. She returned the grin with a surprisingly tranquil smile of her own.
The Princess approached her. “Thou art very noble, what is your name, subject?”
“It’s Berry Punch! I live here in Ponyville with my sister, Pina Colada.” She stated.
“If you believe you can help, then I shall send you with the others. But keep in mind that I may not be able to transport you back to Equestria. You will have to include your return in the negotiations, or find alternate, and possibly dangerous means. Are you still willing to go?” The princess asked.
“Of course! Though I’ll need somepony to look after Pina while I’m gone.”
Pina.
As Berry made babysitting plans with Rarity, I felt a pang of guilt. How could I let Berry come along with so much at stake? I know she’s an adult and can make her own choices, but I didn’t want her to risk herself for me.
“Ummm, Berry? Can we have a moment in private?”
____________________________________________________________
A minute later, Berry and I stood alone in Twilight's basement. Dusty books and empty beakers littered the untidy area. Various pieces of machinery and chemicals lined the shelves around the dark room and gave it an metallic/rusty smell.
“Berry, are you sure you want to do this? It isn't your really fight, after all.” I told the first pony I had ever met.
She frowned back at me, but her eyes stayed bright. “If I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t have said anything, and you’d be between dimensions right now. Most likely getting choked to death again.” She smiled at that last bit, but I was starting to see the doubt behind it.
“But what if we fail? What about Pina? She needs you.” I wasn’t trying to force her not to come, I just needed to know why she really wanted to.
Berry looked away and thought for a moment. “We can’t fail. I need her too, you know. She’s the only thing I-” She stopped, then wiped her eyes with a deep sigh. She turned and looked deep into eyes. “Look, I... I drink because I kind of hate my life.”
I recoiled at the suddenness of the confession. “You... hate your life?” I repeated dumbly.
“Well... Yes.” She said as she moped off to the side of the room, “You see, my special talent is making wine. That’s what I love to do, and I’m great at it! If that’s what I did everyday, I’d be happy... but it’s not anymore.” She stopped, toying with the random objects on the table she'd placed between us. “Before my parents di-” A breath caught in her throat, but she continued, "Before they died. I helped them run our winery. Mom and I would make the wine and Dad ran the business. He was a great businesspony; we did very well for such a small operation. But then, suddenly, they were gone. And I was left to run everything and take care of Pina.”
Berry paused again, tears flowing freely now. I listened with sympathy, amazed that she would tell me her secret after creating a reason not to. “I’m not my father.” She continued. “The wine is just as good as always, but I just couldn’t juggle everything at once, and we started losing clients. And I started drinking. Casually at first, as a way to forget my problems and loosen up at parties... but it quickly became the only way I could relax.”
I stood dumbfounded as she spoke, struck by the intense heaviness of it all.
“Berry, I’m so sor-” I began.
“No. Please don’t be sorry for me. Everypony in town is sorry for me. They assume I drink out of grief, but I came to terms with what happened to us. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I did it. And in the end, it made no difference. They don’t understand what I’ve been through. They think I’m so weak, and the worst part is, they’re right.” Her shoulders sagged and she looked up at a wall, trying to fight back the tears unsuccessfully.
I didn't know what to say, she looked back at me, sniffling. Then she was full on crying, and I couldn't bear to watch it. Uncertainly, I walked over and put a leg around her neck. She didn't move at first, but when she did I was gripped in a tight hug. Around my neck too, but... She was letting it all out, so I didn't stop her.
“Thank you for telling me. You didn’t have to, and you’re anything but weak.” I said, maybe more sternly than I should have.
“I am though! Pina is the only thing that keeps me going, and I can’t give her what she deserves. She wants to see the world, but I could never afford it. I am weak.”
“You just told you’re biggest secret to an alien from another dimension. If that’s not bravery, I really don’t know what is.” I said truthfully, having done something similar not moments ago.
She looked up at me, “Is it bucking a Jackalope in the face?” The fur around her eyes was matted and damp, it contrasted sharply with the slight curve of a smile on her face.
“Ha, no, I’m pretty sure that’s plain-old stupidity.” I smiled back and we shared a laugh. It was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.
“I’m coming with you because I believe I can make a difference. It is a chance for me to succeed, and do something that has real meaning to me. Plus, I owe you a debt. You’ve done so much for my family already, and if I can help you in anyway, you bet your fucking ass I will.” She wiped away the last of her tears and smiled genuinely.
We shared a long embrace in the dark basement, but it was cut short by a series of loud bangs and muffled shouts from upstairs.
“We should probably get back up there, before Dan burns the whole place down.” I said, breaking off the hug and looking into her huge, wet eyes.
“Okay. Just one last question Cap... I mean, Jon.”
“Sure, what is it?”
“Do... you like Sandra?” She asked.
I blushed and looked away. In the past, I probably would have lied, or told a half truth, but I was beyond that now.
“Yes. I really do like her.” I admitted.
She looked away, but smiled. “You should tell her, as long as you’re being all honest and stuff.”
“If we’re not dead in an hour, that’s at the very top of my to-do list.”
____________________________________________________________
We climbed up the the stairs and out of the basement, opening the wooden door to the main room of the tree. The scene was... not pretty. There were more books on the floor than on the shelves, scattered among broken furniture and glass. Fluttershy was hiding under her hooves where the couch had been, as if it were still there to protect her. And Applejack was tying up Dan with her rope. His mouth had a magically-induced zipper across his lips, though he struggled to talk (and probably cuss) anyway.
“CAP! JON! WHATEVER! I think you should go now. PLEASE.” Twilight begged. They all looked frazzled. And very pissed. Should have known better than to leave Dan unattended...
“Jesus... Twilight, I’m sorry. I have a bunch of bits in my saddlebags, you can have them all, to pay for the damage.” I said, unsure whether it would be enough.
“His behavior is most strange; almost psychotic. Is he... Are most humans like him?” Luna asked, eyeing the struggling idiot with concern.
“Oh, God no. He’s just... Well, I don’t even know anymore. He’s just Dan, I guess.” I said.
“Well, that’s a relief.” She said, shaking her elegant head. “Are you ready to go now?”
“Yes, just need to say my goodbyes.”
“Very well. I do not mean to rush you, but a planetary invasion is about to begin, so...”
“Gotcha,” I addressed the room full of ponies, “Umm, well I suppose this is it. Thanks for letting me hang out with you guys. It was so great to meet you, and without a doubt the best time of my whole life. I mean it. Also, I’m sorry for lying to you, though I hope you can at least understand why I did it now. Thanks for saving my life that one time and... yeah, I wish we could somehow meet again, though I doubt we ever will, even if we‘re successful. Oh, and I’m really, really sorry about Dan.”
The six main characters from my favourite TV-show-turned-reality looked at one another, then back to me.
"We thank you for your honesty Jon. And we’re glad we were able to positively impact your life.” Twilight said.
“Just remember to stay honest, ya hear?” Applejack added.
“I still think you guys are weird,” Rainbow said. “but if humans think I’m cool, then I guess you can’t be that terrible..”
“It was very nice to meet you two,” Rarity said, ignoring the loud mumbling coming from the tied up pony on the floor.
“G...goodbye.” Fluttershy said, quieter than a mouse. “ And I... I... likeyourmaneSandra...”
Suddenly, Pinkie gasped loudly. “I NEVER THREW THEM A WELCOME PARTY AND NOW THEY’RE LEAVING AND WE NEED TO HAVE A FAREWELL PARTY!” She took off like a rocket into the kitchen.
“There really isn't any time...” Luna said, but Pinkie was already back with two cupcakes Twilight apparently had in her kitchen. Or maybe she didn’t and they came right out of the ether. You never can be sure with Pinkie. She gave one to Sandra, then unzipped Dan’s mouth and shoved in the other. “Welcome to Ponyville! And bon voyage!” She said manically, apparently meeting her party quota.
“Thank you Pinkie!” Sandra said, biting into the surely delicious (and possibly magical) treat, “It was so cool to meet you all! Even if it was only for a little while...”
“Don’t feel too bad, you can still see us on that ‘teevee’ thingamabob, right?” Pinkie said cheerfully. Sandra nodded, her mouth full of cupcake. Dan made choking noises and I laughed to myself, “Well then, we can totally still be friends! I’ll wave when ever I think someone’s watching, and if you're watching, you’ll know I’m waving at you!”
Sandra finished her cupcake then went around and hugged the others (even Luna allowed a quick one) and came back to stand by me, Berry and Dan (who wasn’t standing at all.)
“She tried to kill me with a pastry!” He coughed and hacked from the floor, “I could have, hey! What are you-” I zipped him right back up.
“Right, let’s do this then.” Luna said, her horn beginning to glow.
“Wait! I just need... I still don’t know if this is actually real or not. We never got around to addressing that!” I said. If I was about to risk my life, it was something I felt I needed to know.
Luna’s horn grew brighter, “You know there is nothing I can say to prove that.”
Damn, that was true. “Then... how can I prove it?” The light was surrounding us, lifting us off the floor and growing ever brighter.
“The same way you can sway the Overseers,” She closed her eyes and my world dissolved into pure white light. All of my senses shut down one by one, then I heard her soft whisper in my ears.
“You must have faith in yourself.”
Then, nothing.
____________________________________________________________
Sensation came rushing back all at once. I rubbed my eyes and became aware of the three ponies around me, struggling to regain their bearings.
“Man, where did that bitch send us?” Dan said, the rope and zipper now gone. Great.
“We should be on the bridge, right in front of Zero-One...” I replied, looking around. We were in a large room that reminded me of a hangar. Light came from all directions, from small bulbs the were a few feet above the ground.
“Umm, I don’t think this is the bridge...” Sandra said as she got onto her hooves.
The lights moved, and I realized they belonged to hundreds of robots with bodies made of tar, all in the rough shape of a pony.
“Oh. This must be the invasion force.” I stated flatly.
“HALT INTRUDERS.” A hundred voices rang out simultaneously.
“Total. Bitch.” Dan said.
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Needed more moreness. But good enough!
So ever sleep in a tub before? Or will this be a first. xD
2150050
Ha! I have more than a week and very little left to write.
2150084
Whaaat!? Curses!
I just noticed you named chapter nine the Triumvirate of Stupid, lol....
I am suddenly reminded of my poor attempts at lucid dreaming.
Finally Luna appears!!
Edit 12/5/2019: