Chapter 8: The Triumvirate Of Stupid
Chapter 8: The Triumvirate Of Stupid
“Friends are like fancy cheese. They go great with wine and are nice to have, but sometimes, they really, really stink.” Anonpony.
“Are you telling me we’re actually IN Equestria?!” Sandra said with a mixture of shock and excitement. The pretty girl I had met in another reality was now, somehow, a seafoam green unicorn with a blonde mane and what looked like the Paint Bucket icon from Photoshop as a cutie mark. “AND WE’RE PONIES!” She was jumping around like a kangaroo on crack, overcoming her initial unsteadiness on four legs way faster than I had. Must have been the crack...
“Y- yes?” I said, still stunned by their sudden appearance. How did they even get here? I remembered Sandra saying she had tried out some of my dream techniques, but it had taken me months to get this far. And Dan? Well, I’m pretty sure all he dreams about is... actually, I don’t even want to know.
He was currently studying his buff, blue body. It had a short mane and tail that were jet black and a pair of MMA sparring gloves on it’s flanks, which I thought was strange, considering they had finger holes. “This is so... so...” He said to himself, “...laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame! I can’t believe I’m in a stupid kids show for little girls! AND, you two losers are actually FANS of this shit. Who is she anyway?” Dan huffed, then leaned back too far and fell over, clearly not experiencing the same excitement that offset Sandra’s disorientation.
“...This is Sandra, the girl from the bar, remember?” I said. He was the one who introduced us in the first place (though I suppose she was human then...)
“Nope, guess I didn’t recognize her with a tail and forehead penis. Plus, I go to bars to drink and not remember stuff. Unlike you dorks.” He said while struggling to right himself.
“Whatever man, Sandra and I are part of an amazing fandom that-” I tried to say but was interrupted when he made another monumental discovery.
“What the hell? Do I have... wings?” Dan asked, lifting off his back and staring at the feathery appendages.
I stopped defending my off-beat interests and stared. Dan. Had wings. He was a god damned pegasus. I looked over at Sandra and her green forehead peni- horn. She was a goddamn unicorn.
Son of a bitch.
“Son of a bitch!” I swore, “How come up guys get to fly and have magic? That’s just not fair!”
“Magic? Wait, am I a unicorn?” Sandra asked, lifting a hoof and touching the hard protrusion on her forehead. “Oh my God, I am totally am!” She cried, exploding into another fit of jumping and blathering.
“Hey! Check me out. I can fuckin' fly!” Dan laughed. He was flapping his wings with visible effort, hovering half a foot off the ground. The guy was teetering in every direction as though he'd pitch over at any moment, and pedaling his legs furiously like it was helping, but he was fuckin' flying! He also had the biggest, stupidest looking smile on his face. He noticed I was staring at him and it vanished immediately.
Dan fell back to the ground with a thud and tried to look casual. “This is still pretty gay and stuff though.”
“Wow this is freaky!” I heard Sandra say. Her face was scrunched up with strain and her horn was glowing with a pale green light. The same light appeared around my saddle bags, which slowly tipped over. She exhaled deeply, “Did you... huh.. see that?!”
I couldn’t hold it in any longer, “Okay, stop! It’s great you guys and fly and use magic and I’m insanely jealous, but can we PLEASE just focus for a minute!” The others stopped their experimentations and shared an embarrassed look. Well, Sandra looked embarrassed, Dan was still testing his stupid wings.
“First things first, am I dead? Did that bus kill me?” I asked with all the prose and eloquence of a deranged lunatic.
“You think you’re dead?” Sandra asked.
“I’m not dead here, but I haven’t been able to get home.” I said back.
“How the hell am I supposed to fly forward with these-?” Dan asked.
“JUST TELL ME IF I’M FUCKING DEAD OR NOT!” I cried, losing my patience, cool and temper.
Sandra winched, “No, Jon, you’re not dead. You’re... in a deep coma at St. Michael’s hospital.”
I sat down hard on the grass, partly relieved but still scared. How bad is a deep coma? People recover from that... right? This opened up a whole new round of questions that swam around in my head like fish at feeding time. What I really needed was some time to sit down and try to piece it all together. Unfortunately, I was with Dan.
“So, horseface, are you going to tell us what that fuck is up? Like, how’d you get here? How’d WE get here and, most importantly, how does this make any sense?” What’s Dan complaining about? He’s got fucking wings. Also, he had a horse face too.
Moronic insults aside, I collected my thoughts and began trying explain the whole crazy thing, piecing it together as I went, “Okay, well, as you both know, I’ve been messing around with dreaming techniques.” Sandra nodded, Dan stifled a laugh. I ignored it and continued, “Somehow, I think I managed to... wake up in another dimension. Here.” I gestured around at the empty field.
“And this is Equestria? Like, for real-real? You’re sure?” Sandra asked, perking up like an episode of My Little Pony was about to unfold right in front of her.
“I’m pretty sure. Ponyville is not far from here actually.” I said.
“‘Ponyville’? Really?” Dan quipped.
“Ponyville! Really!!” Sandra bounced. “Did you go there? What’s it like! Are there other ponies?! GASP, Did you meet Rainbow Dash!!” Yah, she actually just said the word gasp out loud.
“Sandra! Hold your hors... just, shut up for a second, both of you.” I said, rubbing my temples. As happy as I was to have my friends with me, they were making my head hurt. “Yes, I’ve been there and yes, it’s awesome beyond all form of description.”
“Psshhh, I doubt that...” Dan said with an eyeroll. He was flapping his wings again in an attempt to fly, which bugged me to no end.
“Can it, dickwad. So, somehow, I’m able to move between the two dimensions. I go to sleep in one and wake up in the other. Well, until that bus hit me, that is. I haven’t been able to wake up at home since, so I’ve been stuck here. Oh yeah, and some tar-robot-things are trying to kill me. I think they might be aliens.”
That hung in the air for a moment. “What?!” Sandra cried.
“Yeah, they like me being here,” I told them, “they tried to kill me four nights ago and I’m sure they’ll be back to finish the job.”
“They tried to kill you? Why didn’t you get help? Where are the Mane Six?!” Sandra asked, looking around as if they were waiting for their cue to jump out of the nearby bushes. Those fucking bushes...
“What the hell’s a ‘main six’?” Dan asked. He was haphazardly flying around, barely above the ground. Bastard.
"They’re the main characters from the show. Can you cut that out for one goddamned minute? It's very distracting.” He stopped flapping and landed hard on his hooves, stumbling slightly to regain his balance and falling on his face. “Thank you. And they did help me, that’s why I’m not dead.”
“You actually met them?! Where are they!”
“Well... I kinda lied to all of them and they sort of hate my guts.” I said dejectedly.
Sandra gasped in shock, “You lied to the mane six? What is wrong with you!”
“What? I thought this was all a freaky dream! I just went along with it! I thought I’d wake up or something if I told them, and all I wanted was a chance to hang out with ponies and have awesome adventures. Now I’ve fucked up everything and they all hate me. So I came out to this field to wait for the tar-things to come back and fix my stupid mistake...” I slumped on the soft grass, my emo tirade finished for the moment. It felt good to finally come out with all this, like putting it into words made it less crazy somehow.
Sandra sighed, then walked up to me and wrapped me in a surprisingly coordinated hug, catching me completely off guard. “I’m sorry, Jon. Just... a little overwhelmed right now; what with being in another dimension that happens to be Equestria. Also, I’m... glad to see you. ” She said, releasing me from the hug. “I was right there when the bus hit you, I thought you’d be dead for sure! I tried to call an ambulance, but I kept dropping my phone cause my hands were shaking so bad...”
“Thanks for that, by the way.” She smiled, and I smiled back. I’d been so concerned with my problems I had forgotten how much I enjoyed her company.
“Uuuh, get a room why don’t you.” Dan said, frowning down at us from the dizzying altitude of 24 inches. He was probably just mad because I was getting the girl for once.
“Shut up, Dan.” I said, chucking an apple from my bag at him and causing him to lose control and crash land.
“What? I was being serious, asshole!” He said, flapping hard and lifting off the grass, “You’d probably be better now too, since you got a big horse di-”
“STOP! NOPONY MOVE!” A booming voice demanded. The three of us jumped and Dan fell out of the air head first. A streak of rainbow light exploded around us, and when the dust cleared, the commanding figured of Rainbow Dash stood poised to attack before us.
“Rai... rain... it’s Rain... bow.” Sandra sputtered, devolving back to hyper-fan mode.
Rainbow locked her angry gaze on me and trotted over with a scowl, “So! Thought you could just walk out of town and escape, huh? Not on my watch, buster!”
“Actually, I did just walk out of town. Like, hours ago." I said, "You were watching me?”
“Of course I was! Well, maybe not the whole time...” Rainbow admitted, her confidence wavering momentarily.
"Rain... bow...” Sandra said, gawking blankly with her mouth hanging open.
“Ummm, is she okay?” Rainbow asked, then shook her head and refocused, “Whatever! Night Cap; you’re coming with me back to Ponyville! Now!” She easily lifted off the ground (to Dan’s amazement) and gestured at the others. “And your spy friends are coming too, Twilight is waiting, and the Princess will be here to deal with you any minute!”
“Twilight? Hahahah! And a princess?! Ahhhhahahaha!” Dan said, laughing his stupid ass off, “Twenty bucks says she’s pink!” He was rolling on the ground at this point.
Rainbow moved in a blur and pinned him down before I could tell him to shut his face hole, “She is not pink! How dare you insult the princess like that! Why I otta-” Her threat was cut short when Dan’s MMA training took over. With incredible speed, he grabbed Rainbow behind her neck and flipped her onto the ground, pinning her in return.
“Ow! What the- Get offa me!” She squirmed to no avail. “How did you even do that?”
“It’s a standard reversal, now, who are you? And why did you call Jon ‘Night Cap’?” He demanded, assuming the role of interrogator.
“IT’S RAINBOW DASH!!” Sandra cried several decibels above what would be considered an acceptable volume.
“HOW DO YOU DASH A RAINBOW?!” Dan yelled at a similar volume.
"WHAT KIND OF NAME IS JON?!” Rainbow shouted up from the ground.
I’m so glad my friends were here to help me.
“EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I CALL THE GLUE FACTORY!” I bellowed over the rising din.
For a moment there was glorious silence as the ponies around me stared with wide eyes. Then, Rainbow used the distraction to throw Dan off her and take to the air.
“Hey! Get back here, prisoner!” Dan called at the floating pony, trying to follow her upwards.
Rainbow swooped down and knocked him back to the ground, “NO! You are MY prisoners, and you’re all coming with me now! Got it?”
“No fair! Come down here and fight me like a man!” Dan replied.
“Fight like a... what?”
“RAINBOW DASH CAN I HAVE AN AUTOGRAPH!” Sandra shouted, her excitement still not entirely under control.
“STOP IT!” I shouted, hoping to nip the retardary in the bud this time, “We’re ALL going to go with Rainbow Dash into Ponyville,” I held up a hoof to silence a giddy outburst from Sandra, “and I don’t want to hear a peep until we get there. I’ll explain everything once we reach Twilight, I promise.” I said to Rainbow. She nodded with a look that scream 'damn straight you will.'
Sandra got a hold on herself and looked at me worriedly before whispering, "Everything as in... Everything...? Isn't that like a fandom taboo in our situation...?" I gave her dead panned look and just mouthed the words ‘trust me’.
From above, the cyan pegasus eyed us all suspiciously, “Fine. but I’m in charge, and that means what I say goes.” She zipped over to the edge of the clearing and pointed with a blue hoof. “Now, MARCH. Ya bunch of freaky weirdos...”
And so we marched.
Then... Dan spoke again. “Quick question.”
No. Don’t say it. Whatever it is, don’t you fuckin-
"What’s with the rainbows? You a dyke or something?”
Rainbow looked at him in stark confusion. Sandra stood there with her mouth agape.
And I just lost it.
I galloped over and slammed him with a tackle, knocking him to the soft grass and exploding into a fit of punches, bucks and expletives.
Isn’t friendship fucking MAGIC?!
___________________________________________________
Several minutes and many bruises later, we were walking slowly into town. Rainbow flew overhead, monitoring us closely. She hadn't known what to do during the fight, so she just watched... and laughed. A lot. Sandra had to pry us apart with her newly acquired, though grossly insufficient, telekinetic abilities. In the end, she had given up and let us sort things out (taking time to assault Rainbow Dash with a myriad of questions I couldn’t overhear.) So, now we walked in silence, to the relief of my ears, brain and overall sanity.
That is, until Fluttershy’s cottage came into view and rekindled Sandra's fan-gasm. “Oh my God! Is that what I think it is?” She asked, shattering the quiet with the force of a million exploding suns.
“Yes. It’s Fluttershy’s place. Very cozy, actually.” I said distantly. I was trying to figure out what I would say to Twilight and Princess Celestia once we reached the library, using the all too brief quiet while it lasted. Not like it was really helping, I was mostly drawing blanks.
“What’s with you two? You’re obsessed with a show for kids and it’s weird.” Dan said, effectively ending quiet-time. He was plodding along grumpily because Rainbow wouldn’t let him fly. Not because she thought he might try and fly off; after crashing twice she'd simply forbade him from trying in an effort to spare her winged race the embarrassment.
"It’s not just about the show dude,” I tried to explain to him, “there are so many fans producing amazing content like art and music and stories-”
“And that’s weird too! I just don’t get it!” Dan said with the stamp of a hoof, and looking down at the dust that kicked up. And the nub at the end of his arm. He held it up to emphasize the statement, "SEE! Weird man! Freaky weird!" He stuck it in my face and shook vigorously.
I slapped it away and pinched the bridge of my nose. At least I would have if I had the fingers necessary to do so. “You’ve never even seen it, so you just don't get it. What if you woke up one day and found yourself in... ummm... Star Wars?” I tried.
“Never seen it.” Dan shot back.
“Pokemon?” I tried again.
“Ha! As if.” He huffed.
“...Batman?”
“That... would be kinda badass actually.”
“You guys are the strangest ponies I have ever met.” Rainbow said, feigning disinterest. We both looked up at her, surprised she was actually listening. With an opening into the conversation made, she continued, “Also... ummm... what’s a ‘dyke’? I need to know how angry I should be about that one.” She looked down her nose crossly at Dan.
“Okay! We’re going back to silence! I need to think and...god dammit Dan, I hate you.” He was laughing too hard to even hear me. The walk to Twilight's library had officially become the longest walk of my life.
__________________________________________________
“Rainbow! I told you to watch him! How could you let him just wander off like that!” Twilight stormed at the weather pegasus standing in the doorway to the Golden Oaks Library. I guess she was still pretty mad.
“I was watching! Just... you know, not at the exact moment when he left, heheheeeeh?” The fluttering pegasus laughed sheepishly (which is kinda weird for a pony to do, if you really think about it.)
Twilight rolled her eyes with a groan.
“What! A girl’s gotta sleep ya know. Besides, he's here now so you don't have to be mad about it... Once they saw how fierce and awesome I am, they came back with no argument!” She shot back proudly at the unicorn.
Dan rolled his eyes before jumping on what I'm sure he thought was another golden opportunity to belittle Equestria and its indigenous peoples as a whole. “So, your name is actually Twilight? Wow, that’s... that’s just terrible.”
“What?!” Twilight fired back, clearly on her last shred of patience.
“Dan, do everyone a favour and SHUT THE FUCK UP.” I snapped at him. “Sorry, Twilight he’s... he's an idiot.”
"So, does she sparkle in the afternoon sun and drink blood or what?" Dan asked, proving my point nicely.
"What does my last name have to do with anything!? Or drinking blood!?" Twilight grimaced, recoiling slightly. I could see the fabric of my reality, and the hope of ever having credibility in this world again fading before my very own over-sized pony eyes.
Why me? Just, whyyyyyyy?
Even Sandra was snickering! Was I the only sane one left?
"Wait, just wait, are you saying your name's ‘Twilight Sparkle’?" Dan continued, god damn him.
Twilight face-hoofed and growled, "Yes! That's exactly what I’m sayi-" She was cut off by Dan exploding into a fit of rapturous laughter. She looked on in horror and, frankly, completely understandable confusion. Sandra quietly chided Dan about making improper references. Oh, NOW she’s being helpful.
"Oh Celestia please give me strength..." She turned her anger back to me, ignoring the apparent threat to her sanity. “You! I told you to stay put! And what do you do instead? You run off and get reinforcements! Rude ones.” She added.
“Reinforcements? No way, these are my friends, Sandra and dumbass.”
“It’s Dan, actually, pleased to me you, Bella!” He said.
“My name is TWILIGHT! And it’s a much better than yours; what kind of name is Dan anyway?” She shot back.
"I know, right?" added Rainbow.
“Whatever! Just hear me out, okay! I want to come clean! No more lies, I swear!” I was essentially pleading at Twilight's purple hooves now.
She took a step away, “You expect me to believe anything you say? After all you’ve done?” As aggravating as it was, she kinda had a point. Plus we weren't exactly establishing ourselves as what one could call “credible’. I needed somepony who was on my side here. That, and a stiff drink. Luckily, I knew just the pony. I made for the front door.
"Rainbow, would you please escort me to Berry Punch's house?" I asked. Above me I saw Rainbow shrug in Twilight's direction and heard Dan asking what gives. I didn’t care though; if I was going to come clean, I wanted someone who’d actually believe me to be there. And, preferably, to be a little drunk.
I got a funny floating feeling just thinking about it. Then I realized I was actually floating...
Twilight levitated me back towards the center of the library and set me down with a thump in front of her, spinning me around. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Berry needs to hear this too! And you guys are all driving me up the wall."
She arched an eyebrow, "You think I'm going to let you walk off again?"
"Keep Sandra and Dan as collateral. If I don't come back, you can kill Dan. Actually, you can kill him right now if you want."
“Oh, just get oooooooon with it!” A voice called from the side of the house. The library filled with the sound of heads swiveling as we turned to look. Pinkie Pie was standing in one of Twilight's bushes outside the library. With a bag of popcorn clutched in her hooves.
“Oh! Oh! Is that the pink princess? Who owes me twenty bucks?!” Dan said, holding out a hoof as if he were in a dimension where $20 was even a thing.
“I’m not the princess, silly! And why would you want twenty bucks?” Pinkie asked between mouthfuls buttery popcorn.
Sandra chose that moment to pipe in, "Oh I get it! Because she's pink and... Hah, not bad Dan."
I guess she’s back to NOT helping...
Smiling she held out a hoof, to which Dan instinctively bumped without looking away from the pink horse in the bush. Sandra stared at her blunt appendage in disbelief, then exploded into a squeal loud enough to be heard from the other side of town. "I just hoof bumped! WITH A HOOF. Oh my god, this is just too great. Heehee!"
"Christ! Woman, reign in your lungs!" Dan backed away, "Hey, pink pony thing you gonna share that popcorn?" Everyone was just talking over one another, the whole commotion was utter madness.
"What's a woman?"
"Hey! Wait your turn Pinkie, this hay brain still hasn't explained what a ‘dyke’ is to me ye-"
"Would everyone just please stop talking and liste-!"
“EEEEEEEENOUGH!" A purple, magical aura exploded across the library. Twilight stood panting, one eye twitching from the entire ordeal. I know that feel, bro. I thought, wishing I had the same show-stopping trick she had used to stop the increasing insanity.
Blessed silence reigned once again, and finally, Twilight was able to continue. "Okay, FIRST; Pinkie! What are you doing here!” Twilight demanded with a stomp that probably left a dent in the hard, wooden floor.
"W-WHOA!" Pinkie Pie tumbled out of the bushes, behind her Fluttershy poked her head out before eeping and diving back into the leafy underbrush to hide. Applejack stood up in her place, holding Berry Punch by her shoulders who smiled and waved weakly at us. Twilight groaned and leaned her head against the doorway of her home (probably resisting the urge to slam it with her face until the crazies went away.)
"Isn’t that... it is! Berry Punch! I mean, Pinkie Pie and Twilight wow, but her too!? And Applejack and Fluttershy, eeeeEEEEEEEE!" I looked behind me to where Sandra was squeeing and peering at the new arrivals to the scene. To my right Twilight raised an askant eyebrow at Sandra's exclamations. I was well aware what she must have sounded like.
"Is she a fan of us or something?" Pinkie was inside now, though I wasn’t sure how she’d gotten there. Sandra began talking, but I cut her off with a dour expression that reminded her of the fragility of our situation. She stopped talking.
Pinkie squinted and put on her suspicious look, before she bounced up and faced Twilight. "We're here because my Pinkie sense was going off Twilight! My eyes crossed all by themselves and then I sneezed three times, which means somepony’s going to tell a BIG secret! So we all came over from Berry's house wheeeeere you told us to wait and question her while you wrote the Princess again and after THAT... Uhm, oh right, Rarity stayed behind with Pina!" She finished smartly and sat down on her rump, her tongue sticking out of her mouth goofily.
Berry walked through the front door and into the tree/library with Applejack, who looked just as angry as Twilight. Fluttershy was nowhere to be seen, most likely hiding in the bushes still.
"Right, okay that makes... sense I guess," Twilight granted. I was just as amazed as she was that something Pinkie said had made more sense than anything else in the last several minutes. Her gaze shifted questioningly between her friends and Berry. Sighing, Twilight continued
"Okay, good. SECONDLY; Night Cap, I’ve been in contact with Princess Celestia. She will be coming here today to deal with this mess. Ponyville has been attacked by an unknown force and she wants to know what’s going on. She will get to the bottom of this either way, so maybe you should come clean now?"
A hush fell over the room, even Dan shut is big dumb mouth (mostly because it was full of popcorn.) Sandra looked at me worriedly and I gave her a reassuring smile. Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Berry Punch sat waiting intently for my answer. The top of Fluttershy’s head floated in the window.
“I thought you didn’t want to know my secrets Berry.” I said to the purple drunkard.
“Not if I’m the only one you’re telling.” She said back with a smile, “As long as you're coming clean to everypony, I can listen in without having to tell you my secrets in return!”
“Why you sneaky little- at least tell me you brought something to drink?”
She bent down behind her and produced a full bottle of wine. Then, like an angel giving a drowning man a life preserver, she flung it through the air with her mouth. I caught it in a hoof, yanked out the cork with my teeth, and took a deep drink, exhaling contently.
Then I told them everything.
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Heheee this gets better and better!
Nice changes Bren, I like it. xD Get any more faves?Sorry if my asking is a taboo, like asking a woman her age or something.
2106049
Thanks bud, your help was much appreciated (I need to add an author's note on Chapt 8) and yes, I got 2 new favs so far
2106577
*borat voice*
Great success! Abhorsen has 8-ish at the moment. :3
2107209
Cool! Just don't make me dream about zombie clowns eating my face. That is my GREATEST fear.
2118312
Holy Christ-kabob, it's been so long since I've actually seen one I forgot how creepy they are.
As far as Furby pics go, however, I'd have to go with this one:
i.imgur.com/kzkNWSy.jpg
[youtube=https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WXv2hWgfSPU]
As one great guy said:
FrIeNdShIp iS A mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClE