Chrysalis is dealing with some... unique magical problems. Cherry Jubilee is dealing with some finacial and relationship problems. Diamond Tiara is dealing with having to be in the room with the two of them.
AKA Chrysalis vs The Rolled-up Newspaper of Harmony
AKA How To Unalone Yourself At Hearth’s Warming
Chrysalis has been inexplicably spared the wrath of Discord and the Princesses, although frankly, she'd really rather have preferred the stone! Now burdened with an awful, dreadful, wicked curse that... gah, fills her with love and joy any time she tries to think a vengeful thought! And worse! Now she's been roped into pretending to be Applejack of all ponies on some errand to the middle of nowhere with a filly named Diamond Tiara and some lovely wretched mare named Cherry Jubilee.
Not that she'll fail at all in this. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Plus, it beats getting lost in the woods in winter.
This was outrageous! How dare those elements of harmony dare to do this to her! This affront would be repaid tenfold with vengeance wrought across—
BONK!
Curses!
BONK!
This was absurd! Obscene! She was Chrysalis the Unbroken! Last of the true changelings!CONQUERER OF THE SUN HERSELF, AND SHE WOULD FIND WHATEVER PATHETIC GODHAD CONSTRUCTEDTHIS FARCE AND WRING THEIR N–
BONK!
Chrysalis stumbled drunkenly to the side.
Into a tree.
Snow promptly fell on her, burying her on the spot.
It wasn't that being spiritually slammed with the universal, unconditional love of those Elements of Harmony (she resisted a gag, lest she be bonked again) every time she had a spiteful thought was painful. It wasn't. In fact, it was filling, and disorienting, and… pleasant, and like getting, well, bonked on the head with a drunken love hammer.
… But it was utterly humiliating!
Chrysalis flinched and waited. Nothing? Well, at least she was given – no, not given, more like not robbed of! – the dignity of self-pity.
Grumbling, she extracted herself from the snow drift and stumbled onward. She wasn't one to give up easily, but it's a little hard to plot revenge when said plotting was rebuked by an instant love hammer! It was galling. This was like a punishment that pink two-bit relationship-advice-columnist of a princess would cook up!
Wait, had Cadance cooked this up? No, that walking greeting-card of a princess was far too daft. This was intricate! There must have been some way around this control, but every time she tried to figure it out, she got bonked!
It was insidious!
She could actually appreciate a design so utterly devious. Perhaps she could use something like this—
BONK!
And she promptly forgot what she was even thinking about, and staggered drunkenly around in the snow for a few moments. Again.
Okay, Chryssy, (a nickname only she was allowed to use for herself, because if anyone else did – er, she'd be miffed at them. No bonk? Good.) focus. Positive thinking! Stay positive and stay unbonked! Sure, she had been cursed with... whatever this situation was, but there were upsides! She had all the love she could ever want, for one thing, even if she couldn't do anything bad with it.
Plus, she had escaped! Tirek and Cozy might be trapped in stone, but the elements had – for reasons that were no-doubt idiotic and saccharine and disgusting – spared her.
More than spared her! There was a fake statue in her place, and she'd been thrown clear of that whole mess! It was utterly perfect! All of her enemies thought she was dead, and she was free to... free to, um, live. Live in peace. And not harm a soul.
Phew. Close one. She could feel the bonk coming.
Honestly, the bonking seemed so arbitrary. She hadn't figured out its logic, yet. Something about negative thoughts, but the details eluded her. It seemed like whenever she got too angry, or hateful, or whatever, here comes the harmony-hammer! Calmed her right down.
Humiliating, treated like a nymph with self-control issues. She was perfectly in control! At all times! If anything this infernal bonking was making it worse! She just needed a proper log to vent to and she would be fine! No infernal blasts of confounding love were necessary!
Chrysalis slowed her stumbling and shivered. Was she really fine? Was nostalgia for hiding in a swamp, ranting at driftwood really the sign of the regal power of a true changeling queen? Perhaps a little course-correction wasn’t the worst thing?
What! No! This insidious, despicable curse was getting into her head! She was a tyrannical, all-powerful Queen, and she would—
BONK!
And so it was that Chrysalis had wasted the better part of two days in the Everfree Forest, not quite sure what she was doing. It was so bad that she was actually grateful not to be bonked while she took care of foraging food for herself. The harmony hammer provided love, but changelings had to eat regular food, too, and it seemed there were limits to what it would provide for her.
Cheapskate. If it was going to keep her prisoner it should at least give her meals!
Hm, no bonk. She took note of that. In fact, she was so busy taking notes on this topic, she was caught quite unprepared when she wandered right to, and then over, a crude fence, once again landing face first in snow.
Where was she – an orchard? And that barn. Blast! Sweet Apple Acres! How was she supposed to tell this was nearby?! Here be trees, there be trees! Arbitrary! And everything was snow-covered and indistinguishable anyway!
But now she was outside the safety of the Everfree and—
“Applejack? Applebloom? Big Mac? That you?”
–flooded Tartarus, a pony! Disguise disguise what disguise Sweet Apple Acres—APPLEJACK!
Poof, she was Applejack. Phew. Applejack being at Sweet Apple Acres was perfectly natural! She was safe! This strange purple foal would suspect nothing!
Muahahaha!
Ooo, she got away with an evil laugh and no bonks! She mentally wrote that down for later.
While she was busy doing that, the foal spotted her and came clopping right up to her. Ugh, pony hooves, making such a disgusting noise. It really was inappropriate for civilized people – why couldn't they have quiet changeling hooves? Inferior creatures—
BONK!
“—jack! I was looking for you.” The pink cream tart of a foal puffed up… and then deflated somewhat, before steeling itself again. “Miss Applejack, I wanted to ask you about business advice.”
Oh, no. It was talking to her. And now the little thing had trailed off and was looking bashful. Chrysalis summoned every ounce of her acting talent, drawing herself up to Applejack's full, less-than-imperious stature.
“Go on, little one. Do not waste my time.”
Nailed it. She had definitely gotten the accent right, too. Why, even the foal looked surprised at how good her acting was! It even took her a few moments of stunned silence to speak!
“Umm... okay. So, uh, well... I know that I haven't always... made the best impression on you, but I was hoping to surprise my father by taking some initiative with the business, and, so... could you help me?”
Oh, this was easy! The foal had given her an out! She had apparently offended Applejack in the past already! What did she know about this foal?
Chrysalis flipped through her mental opposition-research notes. Pink… pink. So many wretch—exhausting pink ponies. Right, this was Diamond Tiara, who was a complete BONK! to Applebloom, Applejack's little sister. Easy! Just pretend to be offended on behalf of Applebloom, tell Diamond Tiara to BONK! straight to BONK!, and beat a hasty retreat!
The fake Applejack opened her mouth to break little Diamond Tiara's heart.
BONK!
Right, she could have seen that coming. Well, she could just let the foal down gently? No bonk?
“I am... unsure,” Chrysalis began, then remembered the accent. “Ah mean, what is it ya even wanted, sugarcube?”
Ugh.
“Okay. My father wants to expand the markets he’s operating in, but he’s been so busy he hasn’t made any moves yet. I know he wants to get in touch with Cherry Jubilee in Dodge Junction, and I know you two have worked together, so I thought that maybe you could… introduce us? Tell her how good Barnyard Bargains has been for the Apple family?”
Chrysalis nodded reflexively. “A sensible request, broadening the – er, mean, shucks, makes a whole lotta sense t'me! Gotta diversify in business, yeah? Yeah. Good thinkin', little one.”
Ponyfeathers! She hadn't meant to evaluate the idea out loud, but she was used to changelings bringing her propositions like this and evaluating them and had just fallen into that habit!
This whole bonking thing was really throwing her off her game!
“Oh! Well, great! Can we set off soon? This is...” Diamond Tiara bit her lip. “This is kind of meant as a Hearth's Warming gift.”
Off her game or not, there was no way in Tartarus Chrysalis was going along with this! It was laughable! Run off to someplace she’d never been with some foal she knew nearly nothing about, to meet somepony she’d barely gathered any intel on? It was asking to get caught!
Did you hear that, harmony hammer? Agreeing to this would be outrageously self-destructive behavior! Practically begging to be clapped in irons, or worse!
... Nothing? This hammer really had it out for her, didn’t it? Up until now, self-destructive thoughts had provoked the hammer pretty reliably. This much Chrysalis had discovered when she first started to come to grips with her new situation – and the fact that she had been defeated and humiliated again – and had considered simply not eating.
And... other, more expedited ways achieving the same basic result.
Banishing such thoughts was one of the few advantages of her new situation – it wasn’t something she found easy to do on her own. Not that she appreciated having something mess around in her head! It was just a... convenient side-effect.
It had its limits, though. Even if the constant bonks had managed to push her into doing the bare minimum to survive out here, she was getting... slower. More tired. She had no clear idea of what she wanted to do in the future, and her usual go-to plans for the future – scheming vengeance on all who had wronged her, naturally – was off-limits.
Going with the foal was undeniably idiotic and risky, but was going back the way she’d come really better?
“Big Mac!” Applebloom called out in the distance. “Halp! Them ferrets from Fluttershy’s sanctuary are invading the barn again!”
Chrysalis was reminded with a jolt that the temporal flow of the universe did not, in fact, wait on her internal monologues.
And that she should really not just stand around in disguise. Especially as Applejack, at Sweet Apple Acres! Maybe it was time to get the Tartarus into Dodge!
“Let’s be off, sugarcube!” Chrysalis said, much too fast and with barely any accent. Diamond jumped slightly as the formerly eerily-stationary Applejack reanimated all at once and set off at a brisk pace, then rushed to catch up.
“Uh, don’t they need the help?”
“They’ll be fine! I have the day off today, anyway!”
Diamond Tiara squinted. Somewhere in the distance, there was a small explosion and chittering.
“Yep! Let’s go right now!”
“Uh… okay?”
Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. Positive thinking, Chryssy! It was just some podunk little town (not to be confused with Podunk Little Town, that was much further away) and doubtless all of the ponies living there would be dumb-as-rocks hicks—
“Magic thing, messed with mah head,” Chrysalis answered, honestly, because she was worried outright lying might provoke the hammer. “Nothin' to worry 'bout, just threw me off a little.”
“What sort of magic thing?”
“Uh, y'know, the elements? Bein' at the, ah, center of that kinda took the wind outta my sails, let me tell you what,” Chrysalis answered, still being totally honest. TOTALLY HONEST, DID YOU HEAR THAT, HARMONY HAMMER?!
(The powers of harmony did, in fact, hear her. They were unimpressed.)
“Oh,” Diamond answered, the pace of her words speeding up. “I didn't know it did that. Sorry, if this is too much trouble, we can just—”
“Ah said we'd go, we'll go,” Chrysalis answered automatically. Disguise or not, she didn't go back on her words and she did not appreciate being questioned!
Wait, had she just missed another easy out on this situation? Ugh. Well, whatever, this was as acceptable as the... alternative, anyway. Yes, she'd stay the course! And she would be the best at this role! She would be such a splendid Applejack, ponies would beg her to come back and take over full-time! Muahahahaa! aha! Ha! Ahahaha!
“What's so funny?” Diamond Tiara was squinting again.
Oops, some of that had been out loud. Chrysalis really was unwell, wasn't she? She grinned nervously at Diamond.
“Well, shucks, it's just that it's the two of us, y'know? Like y'said, we had our rough patch, but here we are, workin' to make somepony else happy, yeah? Your dad? And if'n there's one thing ah know, it's workin' to make your family happy.”
Diamond looked bashful, and had a big, relieved smile. Nailed it! Nailed it! Best actress ever! Chrysalis was giddy. Really, it was hard not to be, overflowing as she was with all of the love energy from the harmony hammer. It was difficult to think straight! For that matter, it was hard to walk straight!
Oooh, so that's why she had started pronking towards the train station. Awkward! Well, at least Diamond had started it up alongside her.
They swiftly boarded the next train to Dodge, and soon enough they were parked in their own little private car. Sure, Chrysalis was sitting upright and swaying her legs around like a foal, but in her defense she really had too much energy by half.
Now that she was just playing along (biding her time!) with this curse rather than fighting it, it was all so much easier! Sure, she felt like she'd single-hoofedly drunk the entirety of Sweet Apple Acres' cider production (emphasis on drunk!), but she felt good! At peace! How long had it been she had felt that way?
... Best not to dwell on that.
“Thanks again for doing this, Applejack! And... sorry, again, for—”
“Now listen here,” Chrysalis started. “Er, just ignore when I talk funny. Anyway, listen. You can't keep apologizing for your mistakes forever. You need to move forward! Do better! And, from what I can tell, that's precisely what you are doing, is it not? So take pride in that! Hold your head high.”
Diamond looked deeply relieved, smiling. Aww, it was just like when Chrysalis would encourage the nymphs—ack! Wait, no! Sentimental friendship garbage! Do not think of these ponies as—
BONK!
Chapter 2 - "—when we find the devil in the details—"
The rest of the train ride had gone by in companionable silence, and soon enough – was it just Chrysalis, or was Equestria surprisingly compact? – they were in Dodge Junction, though it was getting late in the afternoon. At some point, Chrysalis's increasingly-manic mind had really embraced this 'be your best Applejack' idea, and now she was determined to make the negotiations with Cherry Jubilee a success.
Why not? She had nothing better to do! And the idea of ponies asking her to replace Applejack full-time filled her with vindictive glee.
And somehow, that didn't get her bonked! Bonus!
So in the spirit of being the best Applejack, Chrysalis struck up a conversation with Diamond as they disembarked.
“Now remember, sugarcube, the key to a good negotiation is information. Y'gotta know what the other pony wants!”
“Really?” Diamond cocked her head. “My dad says the key to a good negotiation is leverage. Having something they need.”
Chrysalis tutted. “But y'gotta know what they need, first! And everypony's got secrets – some they even keep from themselves. Ponies might not even know what they want before you point it out to'em! Once you have that you’ll be able to—hrrrrrr—get a good deeeeal. That's the secret to good business.”
Getting bonked mid-sentence wasn’t great, but at least it kept her from saying something unfortunate.
“So, I just need to figure out a way to learn what she wants...” Diamond Tiara’s expression narrowed in contemplation.
Chrysalis struggled not to slur her words, and they came out without any of Applejack's accent.
“Start with the basics! Look around, ask the locals. Or do research! Look into her history! Once you know a pony's core motivations, you can expand that out to how they go about filling those needs.” Chrysalis, acting as best Applejack, smirrked. “Like if a pony wants to, say, make her dad happy and prove herself, you can predict what she'll do and what she wants based on that, see?”
Diamond Tiara blinked in surprise, and smirked right back, “I see what you're saying. So with Cherry, I just need to figure out what she wants out of her business in general, and then I can figure out a way we can work together?”
Chrysalis nodded. Good! Smart foal, that was refreshing. Most ponies were idiots—but, but! This one was sharp! Years of teaching nymphs in the hive had made her very appreciative of a good student.
They were rare.
Chrysalis paused, waiting for a bonk, and when it blessedly never came she continued trotting along. She knew she had let the accent slip a few times, but Diamond seemed content to ignore it, so did it matter? Maybe Applejack was better without it! Be your best Applejack! She hazarded going even further.
“Bear in mind, this can go both ways. Once she knows why you're here, she could try to use your desire to impress your father as leverage herself! Don't be afraid to walk away! Your father would be just as impressed with that sort of hardball approach as a successful deal. Always negotiate from a position of power – if you can't walk away from a deal, then you don't have room to negotiate.”
Diamond Tiara looked ahead and her expression settled into one of determination.
“Don’t worry. I’ve already learned not to let anypony push me around.”
Such steel! Of course, Chrysalis was leaving out that all of this was also the secret to a good kidnapping scheme, but Chrysalis wasn't going to tell Diamond that. Not now, anyway. Perhaps later? This foal did seem to have the potential to be an excellent villain—
BONK!
Hah! Bonk her all you want, harmony hammer, but Chrysalis was good at this! Or at least she certainly believed so. Primed with her masterful (in her mind) advice, her protege confidently strode beside her as they made their way to Cherry's ranch.
The mare in question was speaking with a bulky blue earth pony stallion with a grey mane. Chrysalis and Diamond waited a respectful distance away for them to conclude their conversation, but Chrysalis subtly used a bit of magic to make her ears just a tiiiiny bit bigger, more sensitive, and eavesdropped.
Information was power, after all.
“Aw, shucks, little lady, no thanks are necessary. I was just doin’ what any decent pony woulda done for their friends – and I consider everypony out here in Dodge Junction my friend, ahuhuh,” said the stallion, instantly and violently getting on Chrysalis’s nerves.
“Oh, no, mister Gladmane!” Cherry replied. “If it hadn’t been for you, my ranch would be out of business, and all of Dodge would be in ruins! You have to let me pay you back proper. Come ‘round tomorrow, and we can work out that partnership we talked about.”
“Well, if you insist, I’d be happy to, thank you, thank you very much. Now, I’d best be off to city hall – they wanna give me a medal, can you believe that? Me! Ahuhuh.”
With that, the stallion turned to leave, and Chrysalis was left twitching in sheer distaste for his very existence.
The way he studied Cherry’s every move when he thought she wasn’t looking. The anticipation and annoyance he hid under a quick smile. The way his eyes lit up with hunger when she said the word ‘partnership.’ Who was this conniving snake of a pony? Chrysalis might not been a fan of – hurk! – friendship, but even she knew it just did not work that way! That disgusting saccharine oh-so-friendly secretly-backbiting attitude! He was like everything she hated about ponies rolled together!
In fact, why not direct all of her vengeance towards ponies towards this one in particular? She would make him suffer! She would utterly humiliate him! Expose his fraud for all to see! Make him rue the day he was born!
... No bonk? Oh, did this mean she was allowed to smite this pony?! She couldn’t pass up a chance like that! Maybe this meant the powers of harmony hated his guts, too? Made sense; Chrysalis could recognize those tricks of his, he was clearly up to no good. In fact, he reminded her of...
No, no, clearly he was so odious it was obvious to everyone, with even the power of harmony being unable to fault her desire to smite him into a crater. There were no troubling connections to consider! Everything is clear and unambiguous here just—curses and spite from the powers below! Cherry had turned her way and was walking up to her and Diamond.
Nothing to worry about! Chrysalis was positive her impeccable acting talents were up to the task. Besides, for some reason, Cherry seemed distracted and on the verge of laughter, and kept glancing up at her ears. A distracted mark is an easy mark!
“Well howdy, Cherry!” Chrysalis led strong. ‘Howdy’ was a surefire way to sound like Applejack!
“H-heh, er, hah, um, howdy, ‘Applejack,’ “ Cherry replied, clearly deeply distracted by something very funny. Something about how she’d said ‘Applejack’ bothered Chrysalis – there was an odd amount of emphasis on it – but, no problems. Gladmane must have told her a great joke shortly before she listened in, Chrysalis deduced.
“So what brings you back around these parts? Especially this close to Hearth's Warming?” Cherry regained her composure. Her eyebrows waggled. “Didn’t place second in another competition, did ya?”
Chrysalis cast her mind through her opposition research. Second place? Applejack? Really? It took her a moment to try to figure out what Cherry could possibly mean, but she vaguely remembered something and seized upon it, and made sure to lay the accent on extra-thick.
“Ah, well, y’know, losin’ the Iron Pony thang ‘gainst Dash – I might fancy myself a mighty strong pony, if’n I do say so, but she’s somethin’ else, aheh... but nah, I came here for this little lady here, she was hopin’ to do business with you” Chrysalis gestured at Diamond.
Cherry raised an eyebrow and smirked, but shrugged. Yes! Score one for opposition research! It really was a good thing Chrysalis was so thoroughly prepared, or else she’d have definitely blown her cover there. Instead, Cherry seemed charmed by what she’d said – she was even on the verge of laughing, which was always a good sign! She was straining so hard to hold it in she couldn’t even look Chrysalis in the eye, and had taken to staring just above her head.
Chrysalis could appreciate someone trying so hard to keep a serious demeanor for business.
“So, this here’s Diamond Tiara,” Chrysalis relieved the pressure on Cherry by moving along without her, gesturing at Diamond, “She’s a friend o’ the family, and her father runs Barnyard Bargains. They’ve been real good to us Apples, so y’mind givin' her a minute’o’your time?”
Chrysalis noticed that Diamond was blushing profusely and glancing between them, eyes low. Aww, was she embarrassed? Still, now that she was being addressed, she seemed to firm up and meet put her head high and back, presenting a strong front for Cherry. Chrysalis privately wished even half of her changeling soldiers had some of that poise.
Invasions are not the time to fly around gawking and smiling like a dopey idiot at the pretty buildings, moron! She shouldn’t have to say this!
Huh, no bonk. Even the powers of harmony had to agree her soldiers were morons. She wasn’t sure what to think of that.
“Oh?” Cherry seemed surprised, and gave Chrysalis an appraising look, her eyes slowly tracking across every inch of her, top to bottom, lips pursed. Which was clearly because she was turning over the business proposition in her head, Chrysalis decided. Cherry looked over at Diamond. “And is that so, little lady?”
“It is,” Diamond replied, before launching into a clearly-prepared pitch: “Barnyard Bargains now has outlet partners in Canterlot, Manehattan, and the Crystal Empire, and we’re prepared to offer a substantial discount on transportation for your produce! With our exclusive distribution network, you could save up to twenty percent or more on your overhead!”
“Twenty percent?” Cherry replied with a start. “My oh my, that is a temptin’ offer, but I can’t agree to anythin’ when I’m so close to having a new partner. But I’m sure Gladmane would love to hear about all this! He’ll be around tomorrow if you wanna talk then.”
Chrysalis praised herself for only twitching at hearing that pony’s name again.
“That’s fine!” Diamond chirped up. “I expected it might be too late to negotiate today, so I already got permission to stay in town tonight. There’s a hotel here, right?”
“Oh nonsense, honey, you can stay at the ranch,” Cherry said, before fixing Chrysalis with a half-lidded look. Was she sleepy?
“You can, too, of course, darlin’. Never a bad thing, havin’ a big, strong pony like you around, after all.”
What an odd thing for her to mention. Oh well, free room and board! And look, Diamond Tiara was blushing furiously and studying the ground! What a humble little pony. Chrysalis was hardly going to look this gift horse in the—actually, why was Cherry licking her lips?
“R-right,” Chrysalis squeaked, and the three made their way inside. On the way, Chrysalis realized she’d forgotten to set her ears back to the proper size, and did so discreetly.
Good thing nopony had noticed! If they had, she’d have had to destroy everything—
BONK!
Chapter 3 - "—and dig so deep the only way out is down—"
Chrysalis wasn’t just going to waste the entire afternoon waiting at the ranch; there was far too high of a chance of being discovered, given how close Cherry and Applejack clearly must have been – for that matter, Cherry must have been suspicious, judging from how much she stared over dinner! Chrysalis had been starting to feel like she was on the menu. So, when the matter arose, Chrysalis had agreed to do some errands. Errands of vengeance! – but also errands to go down to the general store and get ingredients for pudding and eggnog.
Over that same dinner, Chrysalis had found out about some recent happenings here in Dodge, and they had just made her even more suspicious of this Gladmane pony. A fire at the ranch, which he oh-so-conveniently spotted in time for them to stop it? And, as it turned out, Cherry’s ranch had been on hard times these past few months – the land had become mysteriously barren, and Gladmane’s offer of investment was Cherry’s only salvation.
All too convenient. Not to mention the way the ponies of this poooopular little town (Hah! Can’t touch this, hammer!) talked about Gladmane set her teeth grinding. He’d been lurking around this town for months, asking questions, selling himself as a pony looking to settle down away from the bustle of the city. Of course, that all changed when he stopped that fire. Suddenly he was around every corner, telling everypony in earshot about how tragic the whole affair was – how close Cherry’s farm was to collapse and how the fire would have ruined her when she was already so close to destitution! The nerve. This stank! It stank just like a changeling scheme! And that made Chrysalis really angry!
Err... well, it was just that Cherry was so, erm, changeling-like! The best changeling qualities! She was hard-working, and she ran her own little hive out here! A smart leader and a hard worker! Yes, that’s what it was, it was Cherry who reminded Chrysalis of herself, and certainly not that nasty pony.
Who stumbled into her mid-rumination, nearly causing her to swallow the grocery bags she was carrying in her mouth.
“Oh, Applejack, ahuhuh! Didn’t see you there! Heard you was around town!” Gladmane said with clearly fake surprise.
Think of the insufferable, and it shall appear, apparently. Chrysalis would have preferred bumping into almost anypony rather than this swollen, silken blueberry of a pony. Ugh, and it was talking again.
“Listen, Applejack, I’m glad I bumped into you. Since I heard you was in town, I wanted to talk.” Chrysalis noticed that despite the contrite expression, his eyes roved over her like a hawk watching her every move. Just a little too curious as to how I’d react, aren’t we?!
“I know we’ve had our differences.” He went on, pausing a moment as Chrysalis gave him nothing. “But, listen, despite what happened at Las Pegasus… well, I did some thinking. I know you won’t believe it at first – believe me, I wouldn’t either – but I am a changed stallion. I was… too caught up in my little games. Money changes a pony, you know.”
Ah, so Worse Applejack and this rotund discount-fabric-bin-in-a-bad-wig had history! Fascinating! No doubt that was why Chrysalis had pegged him as rotten from the word go – she was, after all, the best Applejack!
“If anything, I should thank you and Miss Fluttershy for what you did – gave me the proper kick to the rear to sort myself out!” He held up a hoof and closed his eyes, shaking his head back and forth. “I know it’ll take time, but I promise to deal honest with your friend Cherry Jubilee and to turn myself around, ahuhuh! You don’t have to believe me now, but you’ll see, so… truce?”
“Whyknadpardnar?” Chrysalis replied.
“Oh, here, let me help you with that!” Gladmane lifted the bags from her mouth.
“Why not, pardner?” Chrysalis replied, extending a hoof. “Everypony deserves a second chance.”
Ah, that flash of predatory victory! Fool!
“Glad you see it, same as me.” Gladmane managed a somewhat convincing contrite grin, taking Chrysalis’s hoof. “I promise.”
“And don’t you worry none,” Chrysalis went on. “I promise to do my part and watch out for Miss Jubilee! Why, any fool harms her, there will be no place under heaven or earth that ah shan’t find ‘em and bring a reckoning unto them like was sung about in the oldest songs, yee-haw!”
Chrysalis’s grin, unbeknownst to her, was perhaps a tad too wide, and her eyes far too unflinching. Gladmane, for his part, blinked first.
“Well, uh, I’ll see you around, Applejack, ahuhuh!” And with that, Gladmane beat a hasty retreat.
Ah, little wretch had tried to smooth over a complication, but in doing so, overplayed his hoof! Chrysalis saw right through every sideways glance and smirk half hidden in a smile. It was on, now! She’d have to get to the bottom of this!
And so, out of a desire to be her best Applejack – out of spite! – and out of a desire to humiliate Gladmane – out of more spite! – she would look into this matter, and if it benefited Cherry and Diamond? Well, that was just part of being her best Applejack, and they were tolerable for ponies, so that worked out fine!
It wasn’t like she liked either of them! She wasn’t doing this for them!
And that’s why she was risking discovery by disguising herself as the local sheriff, Sheriff Spurs, and why she was in his office reading his report on the fire. It mostly told her the same things Cherry had – the fire had started in the shed, didn’t get far, Gladmane had alerted everyone, blah blah – but it turned out there were two juicy little details the public didn’t know, Cherry included.
One was, to Chrysalis’s delighted lack of surprise, evidence of arson! The fire had started inside the shed without any clear cause. Tying into that, there were bootprints found at the scene, and the sheriff was searching for the owner of the boots. No luck, so far, but he was confident he’d find them. Well, now... wasn’t that interesting?
Ponies didn’t usually wear clothes, and Dodge Junction wasn’t exactly galoshes territory even when it did rain, which it had not on the day of the fire. Somepony had worn boots deliberately, to leave evidence, Chrysalis deduced.
Now, who benefited from setting a fire to a ranch that was already struggling? Perhaps the mysterious savior who had recently come into town looking for an investment partner, and became the hero of the town by stopping the fire? The same pony who could easily implicate Cherry as the culprit of the fire by planting the boots in her possession, and then get full ownership of the ranch when she was run out of town? Hmm? Hmmmmm?
Chrysalis tried not to get distracted by imagining Cherry being driven out of town and swooning when Chrysalis came to her rescue. She failed. This distraction carried on until the deputy nearly walked in on her daydreaming at the sheriff’s desk, forcing her to disguise herself as a little potted cactus.
The harmony hammer must have really given her brain damage for her to be having such... strange thoughts about a pony, Chrysalis decided! Or maybe it was just the weird way Cherry kept acting around her! It wasn’t Chrysalis’s fault if Cherry had just so happened to mention she loved blue and green motifs on black at dinner!
It just meant Cherry had good taste, and Chrysalis had found it very distracting! Especially with the way she looked at her! No jury in Equestria would find her guilty for being distracted by that! What a random, oddly specific thing for a pony to say! It just makes you think!
Even Diamond had seemed embarrassed and excused herself when Cherry said she was so excited to get to spend some time with Applejack! It wasn’t what she said, it was the way she said it! It was just... weird!
And what was with the comment about how safe she felt around taller mares? Applejack was barely taller than Cherry! That mare really needed to get her eyes checked. Honestly, Chrysalis reflected, that might be a good idea. Cherry hadn’t seemed to be able to open them more than half wide all afternoon! Maybe she really was ill? It would explain how flushed she looked.
No! Stay focused! Why was Chrysalis thinking so much about her anyway?! She had vengeance to rain upon the countryside! She made her way quickly back to the ranch and its strange, strange owner. It was getting dark out by the time she returned, and she wasted no time in hunting down Cherry, who was sitting in the study and talking to Diamond about changelings.
Why were they discussing that? Was she suspicious? Did Chrysalis have to finish what Gladmane started and burn this whole—
BONK!
Chrysalis staggered into the study, having quite forgotten what she was thinking about, and slurred out, “Sho, uh, hey, Cherry, erm, there’s... we, erm, gotta talk. About... that Gladmane feller.”
Right, that was what she was here to do! Talk about Gladmane! Chrysalis started to refocus, but then promptly lost that focus again when Cherry gave her a big warm smile and her eyes were soft and half-lidded and why was Chrysalis getting goosebumps—
“Oh? And what about him?” Cherry asked, all sweet and warm tones. It should have been off-putting, but instead Chrysalis found she was struggling to remind herself that all of this was directed at Applejack, her disguise.
What a weird thing to get confused about.
“He’s a no-good rotten dirty lowdown crook, that’s what,” Chrysalis rambled, still struggling to keep focused. Cherry looked stricken, while Diamond blushed again, for reasons Chrysalis couldn’t fathom and didn’t have the focus for anyway.
“Why C—Applejack! How can you say that about somepony who saved my ranch? If it weren’t for Gladmane, I’d be out of a job and a home, or worse!”
“Ah’m sayin’ he ain’t who you think he is! He was behind that fire, ah’m sure of it!” Chrysalis pressed, feeling oddly invested in this. Method acting! That’s what it was! She was being her best Applejack, who was really invested in saving her friend with the really pretty eyes!
Wait, what?
“How dare you?! Gladmane’s been nothin’ but a kind gentlecolt since he got here! I don’t wanna hear another word about it unless you’ve got some sort of solid evidence!”
It really seemed like Cherry was angry at her. Chrysalis had been banking on Applejack’s reputation for honesty to sell her story, but instead it had seemingly backfired; the warm looks the mare had been directing at her – at her disguise, Chrysalis reminded herself – were gone, replaced by outrage and suspicion.
Ah, Chrysalis had it! Gladmane had given her exactly what she needed!
“Las Pegasus!” Chrysalis declared. “Me and Fluttershy had a run-in with him, and he was… he was a right cheat! All that talk of troubles he was leaving behind in the city was about us!”
Cherry started, but then her muzzle settled into a small frown.
“Oh? And in what way was he a ‘right cheat?’ ”
“Ah, well, he – he tricked some ponies real bad!” Chrysalis stammered. Blast! Curses upon her fool head! Committing to a lie without proper support was a rookie mistake!
“Right,” Cherry said, clearly not amused. She looked away and let out a sigh. “And that’s still not proof he set the fire, which is what I asked you for.” She closed her eyes and winced. She looked… disappointed. “We’re done here.”
Cherry marched out of the room, leaving a stunned Chrysalis in the study with Diamond. An awful feeling was crawling its way through her, though she refused to think about why. It would pass. Like a stomachache. Just wait it out.
A plan immediately interrupted when Diamond spoke up.
“I’ve heard of jealous spats, but that was crazy. You really just need to tell her how you feel, Applejack.”
“Huh? Wha? Jealous?” Chrysalis was utterly baffled. Her, jealous of Cherry? Why would she be? Just because she still had a hive, and was a beloved and respected member of her community, and could do that incredibly distracting thing with her eyelashes? Chrysalis could do that too, if she wanted to!
Maybe? If she practiced! Probably!
Chrysalis jolted slightly. Right, Diamond was talking to her disguise. She cleared her throat and said, “Ah’m not jealous, ah’m just tryin’ t’warn her!”
Diamond walked up to her and put a hoof on her barrel, still blushing and looking away. “Applejack, my parents—” She winced. What was that about?! Why were her parents relevant?! “If you really… just tell her how you feel. It’ll be better for both of you, I promise.”
With those incredibly confusing words, Diamond tapped her reassuringly a couple of times and left her alone in the study.
Chrysalis had no idea what feelings or dynamic between Cherry and Applejack was being referred to, here, and it was far too hazardous to her disguise to guess. What she did know was that nopony believed her about Gladmane, and that was infuriating!
This would not stand! Chrysalis would utterly destroy that cursed stallion for coming between—for being so aggravating! She would concoct a scheme and lure him to his destruction!
MUAHAHAHAHA!
Seriously, still no bonks? Chrysalis had kind of been banking on one at this point, as she felt awful (for reasons she still carefully left unexamined), but, whatever. Revenge would be the pick-me-up she needed! And if she could scheme freely now, then she would destroy Gladmane, and then turn her attentions back on Starlight and Twilight and ALL of the lights, and conquer all of—
Gladmane was having a wonderful day, no doubt, trotting through town. The air was crisp, and cool, and there was honestly a spring to his step! Bet he thought everything was going fine.
Or at least he would have, if he hadn’t run straight into the best Applejack there ever was.
“Oh, Gladmane, good to see you again, pardner!” She said, grinning.
Gladmane was not so cordial.
“Now listen here, Miss Applejack, I know we’ve had our differences, ahuhuh, but what you said to Ms. Cherry was unsociable! Why, I found her in the tavern late last night, bawling her eyes out!”
‘Applejack’ looked absolutely taken aback, and then folded, sweeping her hat off her head and bowing.
“S’what I wanted to talk to you about. I’m right sorry for what I did. Truth be told, I wasn’t ready to accept your apology, and acted plum the fool to Ms. Cherry. She was right to storm off. I already spoke to her this morning, and ah promise, I ain’t gonna be what comes between you and her anymore.” She looked up. “Can you forgive me, even though I didn’t have it in me to forgive you?”
Gladmane squinted. Then, in less than a second, his suspicious contempt turned into gracious beneficence.
Or at least it would have been if he could help himself from looking smug. Chrysalis wondered if his face was just stuck that way after so long.
“Well, if this will be the last grievance to come between us, I’ll be happy for it, ahuhuh!”
“Put er’ there.” Chrysalis extended a hoof, and Gladmane gladly shook it. They said their goodbyes and parted ways, and Chrysalis assumed Gladmane was off to have himself that fine day he imagined.
Or, at least he would have, if he hadn’t somehow found himself ankle deep in burned rubble, jacket smeared with a mixture of ash and snow, scant two hours later.
“Where… ahah! Hah! Found you.” He looked down at the cuff of his coat sleeve. “How… it don’t matter.” He quickly stuffed whatever he had found in his coat pocket, and turned to beat a hasty retreat.
Only to find ‘Applejack’ barring his way.
“Howdy, Gladmane,” Chrysalis said. “Now, what’re y’all doin’ out here?”
“What am I doing out here? What are you doing out here?!”
“Mornin’ walk.” Chrysalis said, projecting what she felt was a placid smile. A few moments of silence passed, Chrysalis secure in her disguise as foolproof. From Gladmane’s perspective, her expression occupied an uncomfortable position between ‘mild concussion’ and ‘arrogant, hungry toad.’ He was beginning to wonder if her vision was based on movement.
Perhaps that was why he snapped.
“I don’t know what y’all are planning, Applejack, but it ain’t gonna work!” He swept a hoof out angrily. “You got nothing!”
“Got nothing of what, Gladmane?”
“Evidence! You can’t pin this fire on me, and there’s nothing you can say to the yokels of this town that will convince them otherwise! This ain’t like last time, Applejack, I made sure of that, ahuhuh!”
Ah, motive ranting when nervous. Rookie mistake!
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Gladmane?”
“Yes you do! You are out here, stalking me, harassing me, getting under my skin, but it ain’t gonna work!” His grin had become positively feral, and he was sweating like a—well, like a sweaty pony.
Chrysalis worked hard these days not to be racist!
“Just you see, Applejack.” Gladmane moved to stride past her. “I’m gonna own this town, in the end, and they’re gonna love me for it!”
Chrysalis waited for him to move past her, and then suddenly kicked a hoof across the snow.
“Ah, shucks.” She said, turning around. “I just remembered – one more thing! Before you go, Gladmane?”
“What?” He said, turning around, exhausted disgust clear on his face.
“Could you repeat all that, a little more loudly. For the sheriff, see?”
“For the sher—”
The crunching of snow cut Gladmane off. He whirled around to see Cherry Jubilee and the Sheriff step out from hiding. Gladmane’s eyes bulged out of his skull as he sucked in a breath. What was with ponies and their weird eyes?
“You can’t be here!” He croaked. “I saw you! In town!”
“And why was you so interested in where I was before you came here, Gladmane?” The sheriff rumbled.
“She set me up!” Gladmane wailed, pointing at ‘Applejack’, “She has a history with me! She ruined me out in Las Pegasus and now she’s finishing the job!”
“Right,” Cherry said. “She said that last night. Right now all I’m hearing is you saying this wasn’t gonna be like ‘last time.’ That us ‘yokels’ were gonna like it when you ran this town!”
“You’ve got nothing!” Gladmane staggered back.
“ ‘Cept that we all jus’ saw you pocket that cufflink, pardner. Awful suspicious, removin’ evidence from the scene of the crime like that, don’tcha think?”
Chrysalis didn’t even try to hide her predatory grin, this time. Gladmane glanced again at the cuff of his jacket. Right at the missing link.
Then he remembered the hoofshake they’d shared in town, and it all clicked into place.
“YOUUUU—” Gladmane swelled up. “CURRRR!”
And with that he charged her, wheezing with every prodigious step.
Right into Chrysalis’s outstretched hind-hooves as she put Applejack’s truly magnificent thighs to work.
Gladmane bounced and made a sound not unlike a deflating balloon as he sprawled out supine, utterly defeated. Ah, good, Chrysalis thought. She’d broken his mind and his body. Never go halfway with the smiting – if it’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing!
“Ugly business,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. He turned to Cherry Jubilee. “I’m sorry ‘bout this, Ms. Jubilee. We knew somethin’ was fishy, but we never s’pected Gladmane was behind the arson.”
“It’s alright.” Cherry said, her frown relaxing into a dopey smile. “I guess I should trust my new friend over here.”
Chrysalis beamed, utterly missing the discrepancy in what Cherry had said.
“How’d you manage all this?” The sheriff asked, trotting up to her.
“Simple, sheriff,” Chrysalis began. “I knew he was fishy after what happened in Las Pegasus, and he was acting all shifty-like, so I just had to give him means and motive to out himself. I saw that cuff had come off his jacket and put it in a place he could find it. From there, just spread some news evidence had been found at the fire, and told y’all to wait here, knew he’d come running. Then I confronted him, knowing he couldn’t resist gloating, just to be sure – never hurts to have even more proof than necessary, yeah?” See, Old, Worstest Applejack? Chrysalis didn’t even need to lie to get the job done!
She had left out she’d stolen the sheriff’s face to spread that news right in front of Gladmane, and that she’d snatched the cuff off his wrist this morning when she’d gone to apologize to him, but, meaningless details! Muhahahaha! MUAHAHAHAHA, SHE SAID!
Cackling was worth overdoing, too.
“Well, glad you did,” said the sheriff. “Plum shame. Alright.” He leaned down and – with a heave – hurled Gladmane over his shoulder, prompting another undignified rattling wheeze from the conpony. “Time to go.”
And with that, the sheriff carted Gladmane off. Chrysalis grinned at Cherry and said, “By now, the deputy ought’a be returnin’ to the office with your ol’ Calamity Mane boots Gladmane stole, not t’mention the aquifer charts he’d used to sabotage your ranch these past few months. Things’ll be right as rain once the groundwater source is undammed.”
Chrysalis had been thorough in her investigation. Just in case. Investigation is always worth overdoing!
“My hero,” Cherry said, breathless.
And then kissed Chrysalis on the cheek.
Gah! Infernal ponies! With their soft, warm, tender, cherry-scented lips! Chrysalis was so clearly disgusted by this her head was sent reeling, just like if she’d been bonked by the harmony hammer!
“Well, I think it’s time to go back and talk with little miss Diamond Tiara, don’t you think?” Cherry said, softly. Why did she have to say it with so much breath, right into her neck?! What was wrong with these ponies?!
“Uhmmrm?” Chrysalis replied, eloquently.
“Well, back when you were off sleuthing she told me a bit more about her plans. I’m out a partner, so maybe I could use the new business, don’t you think?”
Ah, right, of course! Chrysalis had stopped the villain and secured the little filly’s truly Hearth’s Warming wish! Muhahaha! Take that, Applejack! You’ve been replaced, utterly!
“That would be a wise course of action,” Chrysalis muttered. “Uh, sugarcube.”
Cherry giggled.
The two marched back to Cherry’s place to tell Diamond the good news. As soon as she laid eyes on them, Chrysalis noticed that she was oddly preoccupied staring at her hoof, and almost wondered if her disguise was failing until she remembered Cherry’s hoof was firmly wrapped around it. Well, that was rude, wasn’t it, Diamond? Here they were to deliver the good news, and all Diamond could do was stare!
It was cold out, and they’d been standing in the snow! It was only natural for Cherry to want to warm her hooves up like that! And the way the little filly stared while they were talking to her made Chrysalis uncomfortable for some reason!
Eventually Diamond did realize the significance of what Cherry was saying, and rushed off to the post office, leaving Cherry and Chrysalis alone.
“Well, now that we made that filly’s holiday,” Cherry said, locking the door behind Diamond Tiara. “You and me can talk.”
Why did Cherry have to say it like that? And look at Chrysalis like that? Chrysalis was starting to worry she was catching whatever disease Cherry had; her heart was pounding harder than a whole herd of buffalo.
Cherry walked up to Chrysalis, and ran her hoof down the fur of Chrysalis’s barrel. Deliberately. Chrysalis’s heart shot into her throat. She absolutely loveddid not care for that.
She then sighed.
“Much as I like that strong back you’re wearing, if this goes much further, things are gonna get weird.” Cherry stepped back and breathed in deep as if to clear her head. “Alright. Doors are locked, blinds are drawn; you can drop the disguise, Chrysalis.”
“What?!” Chrysalis barked, flabbergasted. “I am not, nor have I ever…” Chrysalis hung her head. “... horseapples.”
Cherry laughed.
“How did you guess at such a thing?” Chrysalis-as-Applejack stretched herself upright. She would face her end with dignity.
… did it have to be the end, though? Cherry was just one mare, alone, locked and hidden in her house, all it would take is a quick lunge and a—
BONK!
Chrysalis staggered and Cherry giggled at her sudden disorientation. Oh, what was the point? With this infernal curse, she was less than useless. Her heart hadn’t really been in it, anyway – at this point she’d provoked the hammer just to calm herself down more than anything.
Just let it end.
“Why you looking so glum, girl?” Cherry asked, a note of concern in her amused question. “I knew it was you the whole time.”
“Conna turn mah in.” Chrysalis slurred. “Ta stone wit me.”
“Oh hush,” Cherry booped Chrysalis on the nose, causing her to skitter back like a startled cat. “I will do no such thing! You’re basically harmless. Why, the fact that we’re alone here when I confronted you, and all you’ve done is sulk like a bad puppy is more than proof of that!”
Cherry’s words went straight through Chrysalis like a knife. If Cherry only knew!
“I’m a monster, Cherry.” Chrysalis said, slowly regaining her composure. “A worthless, mad thing, unloved by her children and not to be trusted—”
BONK!
And that’s when Cherry grabbed a newspaper and whapped her.
“YOU IMBECieeeellllee ooohoohoo!” she cried. Chrysalis staggered, bonked in more ways than one. Cherry spat the newspaper out and drew up all-too-close to the thoroughly-disoriented changeling.
“Now, I don’t know where that came from. Or… uh, frankly, what’s going on with you.”
“Uh, right.” Cherry straightened up. “Whatever is going on, do you wanna know what I saw? I saw a mare out of her depth do her best to help a filly and a mare in need. A tad jealous maybe, but she tried her best.”
“Wasn’t jealous.” Chrysalis muttered. “Hated his guts. Knew exactly what he was from the moment I saw him.”
“Because he reminded you of yourself?” Cherry finished the thought for her. Another knife, although this one didn’t sting Chrysalis as much.
“... yes.”
“Girl,” Cherry said.
Chrysalis, who had been looking at the ground, did not see the hug coming.
This one… it wasn’t like all the touches and whispers and strange, hungry stares Cherry had been giving before.
It felt… nice. Even Chrysalis had to admit that.
“There, there,” Cherry said, dabbing Chrysalis’s face with a handkercheif for no reason. “Alright. It’s fine.”
“How did you figure it out, anyway?” Chrysalis asked.
Cherry laughed.
“Oh, well, apparently your old buddy Discord knew something was up with the spell to put you in stone. Could tell right away you weren't with your buddies. So Applejack and her friends went around telling all their friends to be on the lookout.” Cherry gave a lopsided grin. “Plus, I already invited Applejack over for Hearth’s Warming, just the two of us, and she apparently was busy up to her britches in prep for a family get-together. Then, suddenly she shows up with a pair of changeling ears, and, well, it weren’t hard to figure!”
Chrysalis sighed. And she'd been doing so well, too! It was just her rotten luck that Cherry had been forewarned. All of that perfect acting, a waste! She conveniently ignored that bit about the ears, that must have been Cherry hallucinating, she decided.
She stepped back and let her disguise finally drop in a flurry of green fire, and frowned at Cherry.
“So what happens now, then?” she asked, dreading the answer. At least Cherry didn't scream, or anything. Chrysalis knew well how frightening her imperious stature was to... to...
... why was Cherry looking at her like that? Her pupils were dilated, and her face flush, breath coming heavy through her nostrils. It was almost predatory. Chrysalis could admire that if it didn't make her feel a little unsafe.
And a little... giddy?
“Well, like I said, I ain’t gonna turn you in, but, uh, before we go on… I do have one request.” Cherry stepped forward and ran her hoof across Chrysalis’s chest again. Why was Chrysalis suddenly so parched?
“Y-yes?”
“Be a friend to Diamond Tiara.” Cherry looked up, the aura she’d been giving off abating for a second. “She didn’t tell me much… but I can see she’s troubled. She needs somepony to look up to, somepony who’ll look out for her.”
What? Diamond Tiara, troubled? Absurd! She was a little filly of steel!
But… perhaps Cherry might be a slightly better judge of character than Chrysalis thought herself to be.
“Alright, I will.”
Cherry leaned in and nuzzled Chrysalis’s chest. It was… rather sweet. She studiously ignored the impulse to think about why she was doing that – or think about anything, really.
“Alright, now that that’s out of the way, by my count we’ve got about twenty minutes or so before Diamond Tiara gets back.” Cherry looked up, grinning, eyes half lidded as she placed both hooves on Chrysalis’s chest. “Perhaps we can get to know each other a little better?”
Something about Cherry's intonation inclined Chrysalis to think maybe, perhaps, there was a deeper meaning in what she'd said. Chrysalis was sharp about these things, picked up on these incredibly subtle cues.
The sashaying hips helped, too. She was jolted by Cherry giggling at her.
“I've never seen a red changeling before,” Cherry said, voice husky.
You know in retrospect staying in Dodge Junction for a while longer wouldn't be so bad, Chrysalis decided, very rapidly but obviously with the clear-headed strategy of a brilliant tactician. Yes, yes, this was, uh, the most effective, uh, method of revenge, somehow. Details.
And really, this was good! She could, uh, harvest love from Cherry, that was it! She had plenty, but she could always use more! That's what this was about! She'd take the love, and use it to wreak havoc on—
BONK!
~The End~
Coda - "I don't know, man, something something, two birds in the bush."
