Per My Last Email

by The Red Parade

First published

Hi, I'm still waiting on those expense reports for November. Please get those in. Thanks!

Wallflower Blush is absolutely certain of three things:

One, no sane person working on the student government reads her emails.

Two, Strawberry Sunrise reads her emails.

Three, Strawberry Sunrise is a bitch.

Written for the Thousand Words Contest under the category Experimental.

Garden Club Expense Report: November

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Money spent.

$35 on corn seeds.
$5 to replace broken pot.
$999 for drugs and alcohol.
$1.50 for a candy bar I bought because I was depressed. It wasn’t very good.

That's it. I know nobody reads these anyways. Thanks.

Wallflower Blush

Hi! Thanks for submitting these.

I’m going to need receipts for the drugs and alcohol so we can process them properly, under form 420-A. The rest looks good, but one question. Why are you spending $35 on corn seeds?

Oh and the candy bar expense is denied because as a representative of CHS Student Life I can assure you we do not sell candy bars that aren’t very good.

Thanks!

Strawberry Sunrise

Holy shit you read these. Um. Sorry? But also not really? I just woke up but I’ll find the form. Except we didn’t buy any drugs. That was a lie. And the candy was great.

Sent From My P-Phone

Wait there is no 420 form. Or did I miss it? I probably did. I’m so sorry I just woke up.

Oh Trixie said she had magic seeds but I thought she was lying but I didn’t want people to plant anything that was potentially hazardous so I bought them all and

You don’t care, I’m deleting this email.

Sent From My P-Phone

Oh, honey.

I’m afraid there is a form 420-A and you need to fill it out or we fire your club into the sun. It’s in the charter you know. That’s okay, I know nobody reads those things.

Also if Trixie is genetically mutating plant seeds with Equestrian magic that actually seems like something I should get in on.

Best wishes, Strawberry Sunrise.

Messing with me isn’t cool, you know. You almost gave me a panic attack.
Wait you are a student though right?

Oh god I hope I don’t get expelled for this.

Hi Wallflower,

This is Principal Celestia writing to inform you that you have been suspended for insulting the quality of our candy. This is an unacceptable offense and oh boy I bet I got you good huh.

C’mon. You have to admit that was pretty funny.

Sincerely, Strawberry Sunrise

You’re a bitch. But also why are you responding to emails at 4 in the morning.

I know! That’s how I got the job.

And please, 4 in the morning is the best time for bureaucracy! Why are you up, Candy Heathen?

I had to take care of my plants.

Yeah, that's right.

Plants.

I love plants.

Yours, Candy Heathen.

You’re feisty! I like that. You like plants huh? Shame they don’t like you back.

I’m usually not. Really. My heart is pounding with anxiety but I can’t stop myself. It’s like I’m letting out all this hatred that I bottled up over the years. Must be your bitchiness. I should go though, Garden Club has a succulent sale tomorrow. We’re not going to sell anything but I’ll just lie about it on the expense report. So you don’t shut us down.

Also my plants love me.

Use of Official School Emails

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This is a courtesy email reminding students to not use school-related emails for personal reasons. Also, there is still no student parking allowed in the faculty lot. Please don't park there.

Vice Principal Luna.

Hi Wallflower, still need that 420-A form. Feel free to shoot to my personal email so I don’t lose track of it.

I can be contacted at apples_r_awful@pmail.com.

Thanks!

Form 420-A

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Hey Bitchberry,

Here’s the 420-A form.
(File Attached)

You have a cute middle finger.

How was the sale by the way?

We sold one to Sunset Shimmer. She buys one every year because she feels bad. That thing is so gonna die. Also… what is with that email? Did apples kill your family or something?

Ouch.

And no, apples did not kill my family, I bitched them all to death. I just hate apples. They’re so bad.

Also I saw a flier at the cafeteria, you selling again tomorrow?

Please do not come.

I will cry.

Listen I know I talk big game but it’s really just because there’s a screen in front of me and you don’t see my face. I am an absolute wreck in person.

But um. Yeah. Yeah we’ll be there.

Aw. I get it though. I can safely say that I am as bitchy in real life as I am online.

This has been fun though. Usually I scare everyone away. Can’t blame them! Good luck with the sale. Hey, save a succulent for me if you can.

Why

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Strawberry did you give Roseluck boxes of strawberry pastries to sell?

Forget that, I know you did.

Why did you do that? How did you even know Roseluck was in Garden Club? And… *Why?*

Okay that is very presumptuous of you, it could’ve been Applejack for all you know!

But also food is an excellent boost to any sale!

Per your second question, I mean. Come on. It wasn’t hard.

Your third question…

Listen I’m not fully a bitch okay? I felt bad. So I gave you some stuff to help boost your numbers! And don’t you even think about sweating it. It was no issue, I can make more a butt-ton of pastries faster than Sunset Shimmer can cause an Equestrian-magic related incident.

Don’t worry about it.

I’ll kill you if you do.

<3

Sunset will murder me if I don’t repay you.

Can you just meet me at the garden after class today?

I

I want to talk to you.

In person.

Oooooooh

Is this my invitation to Garden Club?

Yeah. Sure. Please come.

Garden Club Expense Report: December

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Hi Wallflower!

Thanks for the forms. Everything looks good but it looks like you’re missing some transactions. I wrote them down for you:

Cuddling with your girlfriend, $55
Hugging your girlfriend, $155
Kissing your girlfriend, $200
Being the most adorable thing I have ever seen: Priceless.

Love's not free! Pay up.

Strawberry

(PS See you at Garden Club)

I hate you.

(Yeah you better be there, bitch.)