The black sheep of Button Mash's family, uncle Stardust, is finally back from the sea. When he is home, he takes voluntary shifts on the foal help line. He is not really the best help you can ask for...
DON'T READ THIS IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED! OR IF YOU NEED REAL HELP YOURSELF! THIS IS MADE FOR FUN, IT IS NOT A STATEMENT OF PERSONAL OPINIONS!
The old sailor Stardust, is back from the sea, and uses his time back in Ponyville to help the foals in need. They can call the foal help line, and just talk, and get a good advice to take with them. It is an important job, one that should not be taken lightly.
So one can ask how the hell Stardust got in on it... Here is some examples of these conversations... Celestia help us..
(A tribute for a Danish comedian that made parody help lines when I was a kid!)
"Yeah it might be a little silly but I'm just so scared because I'm going to the dentist tomorrow."
"That's not silly at all, Scootaloo."
"No no, but I know there is nothing to be afraid of."
"You shouldn't say that. I didn't think so either the last time I went to the dentist, but after seventeen hours in hell did I become wiser, and six thousand Bits poorer."
"Did it hurt?"
"Hurt?! Can you spell appendix surgery without anesthesia?! Hurt!? It was like giving birth to a foal through the gums. We're talking about a root canal as deep as the ocean, and roots that made knots like on a rope. Not to mention the metallic warm taste of freshly flowing blood from my gums. "
"Is H.."
"Scoots, are you there, las?"
"I do not feel so good.."
"If you're not feeling well now, then how do you think it will go tomorrow? Well, the most important thing is that you do not bite down on the drill if he hits a nerve. I did, they could hardly get it out of my lip again. "
"Hm!?"
"Look on the bright side, Scootie. If you can handle the purgatory then you get a lollipop. The question is whether you would be able to chew it, or something else other than yoghurt for the rest of your life. You better take a sandwich now before it's too late. Good luck, kid!"
"Yeah, it's Diamond Tiara, you know what? I'm just calling because, just listen to this, my coltfriend have kissed with another filly at the school party!"
"I see.."
"It was my friend, Silver Spoon, who told me, and she knows it because she saw it herself!"
"Aha, and where does your friend live?"
"She lives right next to me, she's my neighbor, she lives in Equinestreet 4."
"Equinestreet 4.. Yes, I'll come by later and give your friend a thorough beating."
"Uhm, I.. Why's that??"
"Why? Because she's a tattletale of course. A snitch, a dirty traitor!"
"No, well, hello, she did it to help me."
"Right, and if it really had helped, you probably wouldn't have called in here to pour water out of your ears?"
"But I-"
"Relax, my girl. It's on me. I'll go out and pack some bicycle chains."
"What about my problem?!"
"You need to find yourself a new boyfriend."
"Just like that?"
"Yes, or find a friend who can keep her dirty snitch mouth shut."
"It's because I... I stole something, down at the market."
"Oh, and what have you stolen, kid?"
"A camera."
"A camera? That's nothing to be sad about, Pipsqueak. That's an excellent start."
"I've just laid in bed all night, thinking about what I should do.. Sob.."
"Well how were you supposed to know? You're new to the trade, kid. Listen hear. You go to Swift Hoof's garage, and say hello from me. He may seem a little harsh, but he's actually fair enough. Just don't pet his dog. "
"But I didn't-"
"You just have to put a little pressure on him. He'll probably offer you a few hundred depending on the quality. If I were you, I'd stick to ten percent of the recommended purchase price. Don't let him push you around, kid."
"But didn't want to steal the stupid camera at all! ...Sobs.."
"No, of course you didn't. You went for a JoyBoy. Calm down, Pip, all beginnings are difficult."
