You have been tasked with helping Pinkie Pie steal a magical artefact from the Canterlot Castle. What could go wrong?
You’re an experienced burglar who was hired for a job to rob a magical artefact from the Canterlot Castle.
Unfortunately, your experience does nothing to prepare you for the madness that awaits. Especially concerning your eccentric partner and employer, Pinkie Pie.
You hid behind a tree outside of the entrance to the castle. There was only one royal guard outside. One who merely wandered around with a torch in his mouth. It was a good thing your employer informed you of the recent royal guard strike otherwise you would have been far less prepared. Unfortunately, you didn’t bother bringing a torch with you, believing you were going to do the heist in the middle of the day. If your friends ever found out you believed them when they claimed thestrals guarded the castle at night, they would never let you live it down. They would probably give you a medal with ‘Gullible Weenie For Life’ engraved on it.
As soon as the guard had left, you quickly trotted over to the entrance and shot your grappling hook at one of the windows above, hoping nopony would hear the resulting glass shattering. It would have been easier if your employer had given you a balloon so you could reach the air vents the easy way but she was half an hour late so it was now or never. After much grappling onto windows, you finally found the air vents and quickly hopped in. It only just occurred to you that you should have paid more attention to the blueprints. That way, you would know which vents lead to the throne room. After much navigation through the vents, hoping the chocolate cake you had earlier won’t betray you by leaving you stuck in the vents, you have found your way to a window just outside the throne room. After uttering many obscenities after realizing crawling through the vents was unnecessary, you elegantly jumped through the convenient circle in the window. And then you heard a faint yell that steadily grew louder.
“INCOMIIIIIING!!!”
Smashing through the window was your employer and partner, Pinkie Pie.
“Hi there,” she said, “My name is Pinkie Pie and I organized this heist just for you!”
You didn’t listen. You were wondering to yourself why Pinkie’s entrance didn’t wake up the flock of geese that acted as the security alarm.
“As you know,” she said while enacting the most egregious exposition cliche in history, “Twilight wanted the castle’s security to be better than ever so she put me in charge of testing our new security system, which is like our old security system but better! And since you’re the best of the best, what better way of testing the security than by hiring you to help me steal this?”
She pulled out a picture of the artefact. You had no idea what it was nor did you care. What you did know was that you could make a fortune selling it on the black market. Though, it was probably best to keep that little tidbit to yourself instead of informing Pinkie Pie.
“Now, did you remember to get the stuff?”
You nodded as you pulled a hayburger out of your bag.
“Yay!” she said cheerfully, “Now you stand there and keep watch while I use my super-duper ninja skills to avoid all the geese and take the magic goober from the throne.”
She pointed at the throne, where the artefact was placed. It was surrounded by a flock of geese. You watched as Pinkie jumped from where you and her were standing and performed all sports of acrobatic moves to dodge the sleeping geese, including flopping like a fish while spontaneously defying gravity. You wondered if the geese were heavy sleepers or they were just tired after a long honk. Soon enough, Pinkie had her hooves on the artefact. Unfortunately, her bushy tail was tickling a goose’s beak, causing it to sneeze and wake up all the other geese.
“Quick! Jump down!” she commanded.
You quickly hopped down and ran towards Pinkie Pie, trying to avoid all the honking geese.
“There are two ways we can get out of this doozy!” she shouted over all the honking geese, “We could escape using the trap door or you distract the security guard while I whip out my party cannon!”
The guard trotted in to see what all the commotion was about.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
You quickly pulled out the hayburger and started waving it about to get his attention.
“Nice try, buddy,” the guard said dismissively, “I ain’t falling for that again.”
You threw the hayburger at the guard, resulting in him being blinded by the bun covering his face.
“Who turned out the lights?” he asked.
Without warning, he was shot by a barrage of confetti and balloons, sending him flying outside of the room.
“Cheese it!” Pinkie shouted.
You and Pinkie galloped outside of the room and ran out of the castle as quickly as your hooves could carry you. You both jumped out of a window and landed safely onto the floor. And right in front of you was a conveniently placed helicopter and an equally convenient sports car. You weren’t entirely sure if Equestria was that technologically advanced to produce such heavy machinery.
“I have no idea what either of those things are but they look cool,” Pinkie said happily, “And they can help us escape!”
You and Pinke quickly ran towards the automobile, with you hopping in through the window and hoping none of the resulting glass shards didn’t cut a vital artery. Inexplicably, you managed to hotwire the vehicle despite the fact that you have hooves. Without a moment to lose, you put the pedal to the metal and sped away from the guard that had just caught up to you. Unfortunately, in your haste, you forgot to turn the lights on and immediately crashed into something, knocking you out cold.
You woke up in a hospital bed with a “Get Well Soon” card beside you. However, there was no sign of the artefact. To your left, you saw Pinkie Pie bouncing towards you and prayed she wouldn’t give you a hug.
“Congratulations, buddy,” Pinkie said, “Our test of the security was amazingly successful! I told Twilight that we gotta train the geese to sleep in the day and stay awake at night. But not all of the geese because then we’d have no geese to take the day shift.”
As you felt a sudden headache come on from Pinkie Pie’s rambling, you wondered to yourself if going straight for once might be better than a life of crime. That way, you wouldn’t get endangered by a manic pink pony that just wouldn’t shut up.
You told Pinkie to get to the chopper. You both quickly hopped in and took a long look at the control panel.
“Ooh,” Pinkie said in awe, “Rainbow Dash would love this! SO, how do you fly this thing?”
You shrugged, having absolutely no clue how to fly a helicopter.
“Wait a minute,” Pinkie said, “If you don’t know how to fly it, then why did you pick it?”
You responded with another shrug.
Equestria’s kooky justice system did its work yet again as you were thrown in some sort of multidimensional prison. Why they decided to throw you in a multidimensional prison instead of a normal one was beyond your comprehension. What was even worse was that they found Pinkie Pie innocent despite the whole thing being her idea. Luckily, the judge that presided over the kangaroo court that threw you in here said you could be out in just six months with good behaviour. And what better way of getting good behaviour points than by working jobs in the prison?
You trotted up to one of the guards and asked him if you could get a job at the kitchen.
“Hmm,” the prison guard replied, “I don’t know what it is but I like you. You got the job. Now put this apron on and just trot over into the kitchen.”
He hoofed you a white apron which you immediately put on. You trotted over the kitchen and picked up some dirty dishes that you carelessly plunged into the sink. The sink that was occupied by somepony that looked suspiciously like the guard that offered you the job.
“I admire your work ethic,” the dish-washing pony said, “I’m promoting you to laundry duty.”
You wondered if he could do that but, since you were trying to get out of prison as soon as possible, you really didn’t care. You picked up a pile of dirty socks and made your ways to the washing machines. After finding an empty washing machine, you stuffed the socks in.
“Goodness gracious!” another pony that looked exactly like the previous ones exclaimed, “Seeing you working so hard just warms me up. I’m promoting you to cleaning duty, starting with the warden’s office.”
You smiled to yourself as you thought up a devious plan to escape. Six months? You’ll be out in six minutes. As soon as you can find the warden’s keys, of course.
“It’s near the throne somewhere!” Pinkie replied “Just run around until you fall down a hole.”
You and Pinkie started running around until you stepped on something that triggered the trap door. You and Pinkie fell down the resulting chasm and broke your hooves immediately on impact. You screamed as loudly as possible from the pain and felt an insatiable desire to strangle Pinkie, who looked relatively fine and had no broken bones. Suddenly, one of the stone walls opened up and in came a security guard, scared out of his wits.
“It’s coming after me!” the guard screamed.
While you felt concerned about what got the guard so rattled, Pinkie pulled out a wheelchair from thin air and scooped you up into it.
“Wonder what spooked that security guard,” Pinkie said, “Well, whatever it was, it couldn’t have been that bad.”
An inequine roar echoed throughout the underground tunnels, followed by the sounds of more screaming stallions and flesh being torn apart. Pinkie wheeled you to the middle of two tunnels, one darker than the other.
“Okay,” she said jovially, “Let’s just hope we don’t meet that big scary monster.”
Pinkie wheeled you into the dark tunnel. Neither you or her could see a thing. But at the end, you find a bright light. She stopped wheeling you.
“Uh-oh,” Pinkie said, “Twitchy tail. That means something’s gonna fall. But where?”
You hoped that a loose brick would smash Pinkie’s skull in. But if that happened, who would help you escape? You heard hoofsteps and turned around to find Pinkie had disappeared. You shouted for her, pleading with her to not leave you before cursing her. As you grumbled and did mocking impressions of Pinkie, you heard a loud thud followed by the ripping of flesh. Then there was another thud right behind you. And another one. You cautiously turn around, hoping to see where all that noise came from. You saw a...thing. A horrific thing. One stained in blood and bits of a pink mane and tail, even an eye. It had two massive elephant-like feet, tentacles all over its circular body, and a mouth like a lamprey. There were dismembered legs, half of a pony’s torso, and what was left of Pinkie Pie’s head impaled upon the never-ending rows of teeth the beast had. It stretched out its tongue and wrapped it around your neck. You struggled to breathe as it choked the life out of you. It slowly dragged you inside its mouth. If it weren’t for its tight grip around your neck, you would have screamed.
“Phew!” Pinkie exclaimed, “That’s a relief. I thought you were gonna pick the dark tunnel.”
You assured her you wouldn’t make a decision as dumb as that. She wheeled you into the light tunnel, where both you and she saw the beautiful morning sky.
“Freedom, here we come!” she shouted as she ran towards the exit.
Unfortunately, she didn't bother to stop and look down at the floor because, if she did, then she would have noticed that the tunnel’s ending would result in both you and her falling into the ocean. She pulled out a sign that said ‘uh-oh’ as both you and she floated in mid-air before spontaneously descending into the ocean. You screamed for your mother at the top of your lungs.
SPLASH!
You floated up to the surface and, using your broken hooves, clung onto a piece of driftwood for dear life. Upon closer inspection, you noticed that your hooves are now made of wool. Just another question to add to the list of questions you had about this heist. Pinkie bobbed up to the surface and hopped onto the driftwood.
“Oopsie!” she said, “That didn’t go as planned. Good thing we got this driftwood. So, should I call for help or should we start swimming our way back?”
Even though you knew you were going to regret this, you suggested Pinkie Pie to call for help as loud as possible.
“Got it,” Pinkie said before taking in a great big gasp, “HELP! SOMEPONY! HELP! WE ARE FLOATING IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!”
“Middle of nowhere, you say?” you heard a voice call.
An eyepatch-wearing Earth pony stallion with a skull and crossbones for a Cutie Mark swung from a rope onto the driftwood, “Well, it’s a good thing you know, love, because me map blew away in the wind.”
“Hey, I know you,” Pinkie said to the pirate, “I was part of your crew!”
“Aye,” the stallion said to Pinkie, “How can I forget an energetic pony like ye?”
The stallion turned around and faced you.
“Where are me manners? I’m Captain Hoofbeard. I’m sure ye’ve heard of me, savvy?”
The only pirate you were ever familiar with was the one who became a writer after his boat was sunk by a wooden pony statue filled with sailor ponies. You could tell from the different mane styles that the one before you was not the same pony as the writer. He picked up the artefact and examined it.
“Any idea what this may be?”
You shook your head.
“Good. Because if you did, I would have shot ye out of me cannon. After I brought you aboard me ship, of course.”
Pinkie gasped, “Does this mean you’ll shoot me out of a cannon too?!”
“Not really, mate,” Hoofbeard replied, “Twilight would take away me gills if she found out I did that. Anyway, would ye like a ride home?”
You rapidly nodded and, despite your broken hooves, immediately jumped onto Hoofbeard’s ship. You screamed in agony from putting pressure on your hooves but it was worth it to have this nightmare over and done with sooner.
You suggested you and her should start swimming. Or rather, she should start swimming while towing you for the ride.
“Right then,” Pinkie said, “Time to put these woolly hooves to good use!”
Before Pinkie could even start, the weather had gotten darker. Out of nowhere came a hurricane to whisk you and her away into parts unknown.
“Weeeee!” she screamed as she spun around in the hurricane.
A big rock flies into your face, knocking you out instantly.
“It’s okay,” Pinkie said, “I got you.”
As your vision cleared up, you noticed you and Pinkie were no longer at sea nor were made of wool. She was carrying you on her back as she traversed somewhere sandy. Your head was killing you. Before you could even comprehend what the Tartarus was going on, she dropped you onto the ground as she gasped for breath.
“Hey, do you think we should make an SOS sign in the sand?” Pinkie asked, “Or should we keep moving forward?”
You suggested Pinkie should draw ‘HELP US’ in the sand in great big letters.
“That’s a great idea!” she said as she sped out of sight.
You slumped onto your side, wondering why you even bothered to get up this morning. Out the corner of your eye, you saw the artefact. Hoping to keep it to yourself, you slowly crawled towards the artefact. With the last ounce of your strength, you clung onto it. You felt warm as the light around shone to ridiculously bright levels.
You wake up in an art gallery somewhere. It reminded you of that art theft you did back in your college years. You cautiously traversed the suspicious and almost ethereal white corridor of the gallery. You saw a painting of a griffin’s skull in a cupcake holder to your left.
“Don’t you know how to take ‘get lost’ for an answer?” you heard a voice echo “Dash doesn’t need to hang with a dweeb like you now that I’m around.”
You felt something vibrate in your bag, which you were surprised to find still on your person. You opened the bag and found a device displaying a message. It said ‘aren’t you getting tired of the g̡̹̣͆ͥ͗́͜r͉̗̱̘ͦ̾̔̓̾̓͡i͈̖̦͈͛ͮ̿͆̚͢͡͠n̴͙̯̥̗̟̼͍͎͋͛ͤ̇͋ͦ̍ḍ̴̛̲̹̙͚̘̜͕͛̈̄̓ͦͣ͗͢?̘͖̝̤̙̖͓̬̾̏̊̏̈̏ͯ’. To say it was cryptic would have been an understatement. You continued to walk down the corridor and saw, to your right, a painting of a pegasus being flayed alive. Screams echoed throughout the corridor followed by another vibration from the device. The new message read ‘̧̥̘̥͔̞͖͇̹͓̜̝̣̱̺̳̲̍ͭ̔͛ͣ͛͐̈́̾ͯ̈̅͐̏̓̄̂͟D̙̻̟͕̱͔̥͚̦̹̫͕̈́̐̈́̾̀̚o̵̵̳͎͈̯̣̖̪̫͇̺̩͚̺̣̘̝̬͓̎ͮ̃͂͑̉̔̎̓̀̕͟ǹͥ͗ͦͥ͛̿ͮͤ͂ͬ̔́҉̗̰̺̙̺̜̳͉͖̺͓͝’̵̖̤̱̬̱̜̲̜̝͙̙͓͖̘̿̋̾͐̽ͤ̀͟͝͠t͆̑̆ͥͧ͛ͮ̅̒͌̉͢͏̬̠̬̞ ̮͙̹͓̪̌ͭ̏̿͒ͦͦ̈́͐̇ͮͣͩ̍̏͜͝y͐͗̏̉̋͘͟͏̱͈̝̜̺̼ͅȍ̪̥͔̱̤̰̫͙̮͔̰͓͈͗̋ͤ̋ͣ̔̏ͧ͐̈͗̆̽́ͅuͣ̈̍ͣ̄̓͊ͪ͌̾̒̄̉́ͨ҉͍̮̼̲̳̳͕͈͢͢͡ ͦͨ͋͋̊̔̆ͭ҉̘̝̹͔̮͉̘̠͍̱͉̘̀͢͠f̵̭͉̜̙͖̖̱̱̱͔̖͗ͦͮ̾ͦͫͤ̍̔̑͑ͯͧ̂̅̉̆͞ȩ̵͙̰̺̗̘̝͖͕͍͋͂͗̏͐̑̽͒̋͛͆̎͛ͣ̉̃͆̌ͫe̸̵̶̡̥̞̠̣̱̝̬̞̜̙͖̫͙̟͖̼͂̓̈́ͥ͌̍̇ͭ͟l̢̤̰̹̹̘̥̮̪͉̖̱ͭ̏̅́͆̑ͯ͌͑͐ͦ͆̒͛̽̐̒́ ̶̃̉̔ͨ͝҉͜͏͎̟̹͙̣̻l̛̦͈͙͎̳ͯ̈́̂ͧ̈́̉̋͌̓ͨ̚͜i͐̂ͬ̈́ͭͦ̌̒͒͑̃̄҉͏̙̟̭̟͕̣̝̙̱͎̘̖k̸̭̳͇̤̪̳̀ͧͧ̎͐ͮ̇͑̐̎ͪ̊͆ͯ̐͛̚͘è̢̏ͧ́̍̉̉ͥͫ́̅̅ͭͯͬͣͧ́͘҉̗̣͍̣͝ ̢̈͊̈́̓ͨͫ̓͏̞̻̺͔̟̖̘̭̩y̴̸̴̖͍̗̦̲̟̻̘̥̗͕͕̜̟̜͖̗͉̐̄̉̒̂̀ơ̝̖͓͈̟̯̮͍̘̱̺̣͈̿̅̾̽ͬ̽͌̊ͬͦ̅̑̽̚ͅu̿ͭͯ͢͜҉̸͉̦̳͎̙̻̠̹͔̝̱̖͢ͅͅ’̵̘̙̟̻̖̭̞͉͍͑ͬͣ̓̍̅̔͐̾̂̂͞͞ͅr͆ͪ̅͛̆͂ͦͥ͌̂̇ͫ҉̞͎͈̠̯̼́ͅĕ̵̖̯͉̥͎̯̗̲̼̭͒̍̒̎ͮ̽͜͢ ̴̧̹̫͚͈̩̲̝͇̮̈̄̎̐ͅḋ̸̸̩̺̻̙̪̫͕̬͎̠͔̼̼̫̥̩̜̐ͭͣͨ̍͆̇͑̑͛̀͠o͓͖͍̩͉̣̰̲̰͙̞̞̱̹̹͕̻̔̂̇͛́͘͝i̢̡̩̞̗̜̬̬̯̹͖͇̬̺̬̺̯̻̤̦ͪ͊ͭ͛̈́͐̏̇̌̉ͤͫ̐̾̀͌͒n̵̸̢͉̟̰̳̫̣̱̪̥͕̝̳̬̞̼͈̦͊ͭ̅ͣ̆̊̑̍͒̌͂̏ͨͩ͌̾ͥ͌̚͞ͅͅģ̸̗̺͔̭̩̺͚̥̝̭̳̝̘̹͉̀̇̑ͨͨ̀̽ͤ͌̈ͩ̏̀̚̚͡ ͚̬̭̤͈͔͕̫̮̣̳̱̪̳̫̋ͫ̇ͫͭ̋ͬͦ̉ͬ̌̍̈ͨͫ̅ͤ̐̀̀t̴̵̂͑́̈ͣͩ̆͐̅́̍̕͏͙̻̫̘͓͙̞͔̰͖͓̮̣̯͚͇̟̫h̛͔̹̘̱͍͕̩̩̟̣ͫ̽̄ͪ͗ͥͪ̽̈́̏̐͌͗͊͊͗͘͟͡ͅͅe̴̛̹̥̫͖̅̑͗̍ͥ̔̎̀̚̕ ̡̡͍̭̹̤̜̪̲̙̖͍́̇͛̇̌̀s̸̵̼͎̤͍̗͔̗̥̯̬̀̀̾́̐̋̋ͤ̆ͣ̓ͨ̐ͫ̋̒̋a̷̸̡̮̮̻͕̠̼͓̖̲̞̗̣̜̫̠͋ͣ́͌͗͐̔̈́̌̈͑͢͡m̪̬͚̤̲̦͍̩̼͉͇̬̰̘̣̰̒̏̑͗̆̽͊̈́͜͞ę̴̸̶̱̬̬̺ͨ͌͐͗ͫ̒ͦ́ ̶̷̛̪̟̪̠̜̅ͣ̎́͌̂ͩ̀͝t̡̘̣̫̎̀̅͗̿ͯ̾̊̂̽̎̂h̵̷̨̞̰͓̺͎͓̠̱̹̝̘̬̞ͯͯ̈́̎̈́͝i̿̀̎̊͏̸͇̺͖͓̬͙͚̻̫̞͍̥̩̺͢ṋ̡̧̣͇̲̹̝̩͎̬̰̮̻͚̜ͦ͊̍ͫͩ͗͊̌̅ͧ́gͪ͂̏̐̎̇ͬͥ͏̭̮̰͍̠̼̯͢͟ ̸̶̲̘̰̞͙̫̦͈̻͉̝̪͔̈̑̑̄́͌̒ͯ͊̄͗ͩͫ̉̌̐̾̃̅o̶͓̩̤̜͒̈́ͤͯ̄̂́͠v̵̸͖͉̹͉̟̜̖̼͖ͤ̅̌͑ͩͫ̅̆͆̒ͦ̃ͭ̆͒ȩ̥͕̭̦͈̮̯̝̣̗̒ͣͤ͑̉̄̋̋̐͆̿͌̂ͩ̓͑̾ͮͭ͟͠r̨̨̻̼̠̹̹̩͖̺̘̐ͧ͊ͥ̓̇̾̕͝ ͖͍͍͙̹̾͗̋͊̌́̚͠͝͡a̢̋ͪͦ̍́ͮͬ̒͌̎ͥ̒͌ͫ̍̋͘҉̣̼̖̳̜̠͕̞͎̯̯̮̺̬ͅͅṋ̡̥̠̤̙͎͖̺̲̭̬͔͈̿ͯ̊̕͜d̽ͯ͂ͬͧ̔̋͏̧͉̗̜͎͕̣̙͇̰̫̗͙̳̲͍̩̣ ̵̴͖̞̝̤̰̠̌͌ͧ͗̈́̓ͭ̿ͧ̀ͤ́̀͜ǫ̷̛̝̝̯̙͙͇̝̭̮̲̖̗̳̂͑͛ͥͤ̋ͩ́͞v̵̲̤̳͖̙̯̬͌͊̐͗̔͗ͥͧ̓̆̾́́͞͠ͅĕ̷͙̩̻͙̹̯̘͇̝͓̯̳͇̥̻̺ͬͫ̇͌ͭ̌ͦ̇͌́ͬ̒̎ͬ͢͝ͅr̶̊͌͑̅̊̿̓ͪ̃͛̀ͫ̐́͌̐҉̩̹̤͚̖͉̤ ̵̝̬͉̭͙͈̰̞̜̹͙͓͕̏͐͆̾̄̍͐ͫ̒͊̒̄̕͞ą̴̛̫̬̥̟͉͈̱̜ͧ͊͛̈́́͋ͪ̓͑ͫ͘͝g̷̷̯̘̰͍͈̝̟̻̖͉͚̣̲ͭ́ͫͥ̉͆͑ͣͩ̿͑͗ͩ̓̚̕͜a̸͍̝̠̜̮̣͙̲̺͎͍̯͕̣͛̂̈́̒ͥ̔̾̋̌̆́͞ḭ̧̝̟͇̘̘͖̬̙̣͂ͭͧ͗̆̋̈́̑̇̓͆̓̕͝͠ṋ̩̹͚̤͖̆ͧ͐ͯ͞͞?̴̑̄̈ͣ̆ͬ͏̧̹͇͉̪̤̞̰̪̬̪̭̣̝̣́͟’.
You ignored the messages and continued walking down the corridor. The further you went, the darker it became. Darker and darker until the corridor became pitch-black. You could hear your hoofsteps getting louder and louder, echoing throughout the dark chamber. Then, at what appeared to be the end, you saw a picture of Pinkie Pie, illuminated with a big light within the floor.
“I’m gonna make you smile,” you heard her echoing voice sing until it became deeper and more distorted, “And I will brighten up your day.”
The picture began to peel away, revealing a darker picture of the pink pony with her mane down. She was scowling, her eyes piercing your very soul. The more disturbing picture also peeled away into nothing more than a skull.
“Isn’t this what you’ve been waiting for this whole time?” you heard her ask.
You turned around and you saw Pinkie Pie right next to you, staring at you with bloodshot eyes and an unnaturally wide smile. Her mane and tail were as straight as the previous picture depicted her and she wore a stitched-up dress with a different Cutie Mark on each patch.
“Or do you want to keep playing?” she whispered right into your ear.
You felt a chill down your back. You tried to back away but she wrapped her foreleg around you. She started glitching and morphing into other ponies, including a little pegasus filly.
“I’ve been waiting a̻͖̳̖̗̱̬͎̟̗͚̣A̹͍̱̬̙̞̖̱̘̤̥̗͎͕̭͙̭a̹̭͕̮̖͓̮͙̝̝̼̲͚a̟̻̱͎͉̘͙̭̦̯̙̯͈͉̤͖͇̲A̮͉̩̺͔̣̰̣͕̹̖̗̣̹̫̫l̜̜͙̯L̞̮̟̬͎̤̲͚͓͖̦͓̻̬̝̯̤͙l͓͖͉͓̗l̖͈̰̜̲̰̠̱͖͉̖͈̯͉ͅ day,” she said, her voice reverberating and changing pitch, “I’ve been s̶̶̢̢̳͎͍̫̖̟̝̤̦ò͕̣̗̗̩͕͓̼̫͉̥͓͚̻̝͘ͅó̷̡̦̝̼͎̫͚̯̱̻̥̗̼o͕͇̪̲͙̜̞̻̘͙̜̳̭͟͟ǫ̷̺̠̖̱͕̺̗̰͓̱̭̥̦̳́o̮̗͍̙̼̬̝̼̯͕̞̝̬̲̪͉̹͕͢͠ excited thinking about all the fun stuff we’re gonna do.”
You felt her caress your chest. She was still staring into you, as if she could see you through the screen you are reading this fic on. You tried to move away but she kept dragging you closer.
She pinned you onto the floor, cracking your ribs in the process. You groaned in agony as she pressed her hoof on your broken ribs.
“Or maybe you don’t pay attention to those lessons,” she snarled, “You should. They could teach you how to be a better person instead of creating m̰̺ó̖̹͙̓͞n̡͇̥͇͈̥̮̲s͚̠̟̟̟̘͋͋͊͑͒t͍̟̤̹͊ͬͦ̈̓̚ͅé̦̮͕̙͚͚ͥͧͪr͔̫̕s͓͓̙̤̺͂͆͐̆̒̚ l̮̞ͭ͑̄ͥ͑ͤͭ̌͜͝i̩͔̙̫͗ͭ͐̓ͨ̋ͦ̓́k̛̼̲̫̞͋ͤ̏e̷̫͍͈͆ͭ̉ͩ̃ͤͯ́̕M̡̛̩̣͍͇̩͖̣̭̐̅̉̀̓ͤ͂̾̂̓̆͋ͤ̎͑ͮ͆Ȩ̐̊̓ͥͥ̂̀̚҉̯̲͈̥̫̹͓̼̬͖̞̲̖̬̤͙͕̬̹!̷̵̶͖͖͕̟̬̪͚̭̙̠̰̭̰̤̼̘̎̄͋͛ͥ̑ͤ̀”
You started coughing after she jumped off of your chest. Her mane sprung back to its usual curly appearance, though it was still glitching from time to time.
“But let’s not focus on the negatives,” she said jovially, “After all, your brain is just wired for negativity. We need more positive thoughts in your life. So I’m gonna be a good friend and give you two options. You could stop playing this funny little game of ours and read something more positive, like pornography or a random slice-of-life comedy or whatever you're into, or you could go back to the beginning and see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Either way, you won’t remember this conversation, should we meet again.”
“Okey-dokey-lokey,” She said as she picked you up again.
You fell asleep as she continued to carry you.
You wake up and see Pinkie standing with a very hairy red unicorn.
“Oh, come on,” the unicorn said, “You knew I was gonna make an appearance at some point in the story.”
You had no idea what the unicorn was talking about. And considering how you still had a massive headache, you couldn’t really be bothered.
“Don’t worry, he’s a friend of mine,” Pinkie reassured you, “We knew each other from that time my friends and I fought that evil time-travelling warlord. He wanted us for dinner.”
You quickly tried to move backwards away from Pinkie’s hairy friend.
“Where are you going?” the unicorn asked, “I was just about to give you some Steamed Hays.”
He used his magic to move a tray of hayburgers directly towards you. Consumed with hunger, you lunged for the hayburgers and tucked in.
“Eat up now,” the unicorn said, “You got about 5 more endings to discover.”
