This is on hiatus because I might add onto the story as time goes on. Ratted teen for self harm, suicidal thoughts/actions and detail of blood.
Script Singer is tired of life. So she has a chat with her demon as she reminds herself she has enough reasons to die.
I wrote this story because, lately I feel like everybody's against me. I don't care if people hate me or not, but it's been hurting me in some way. I felt like I could never let myself get over some things that have happened lately, and I don't know if I will, but I won't let it bother me too much...
I wrote this story to show that you shouldn't judge others, unless you know them. People have made fun of me because of my disability and my other personal struggles because they don't understand what it's like. They don't know me. They don't understand the things I do or say, because they won't give a chance to know why or get to know me. I've lost a few friends the past few months because of this, and it tears me apart and I can't help but blame myself... I don't like sounding like a mean person or a drama queen but people have given me that label so much lately, that who knows... maybe it's true... but I still refuse to accept that, and I'm trying to fix things, but you can't fix what's broken, unless they let you... so please, be kind to others, even if they sound like someone you shouldn't. Words can hurt in many ways, and can cause more harm than you intend...
Here I am again... in the darkness that's my home where nobody loves me... The only ponies who can comfort me here, are my demons. That's why I can't get rid of them, it's like they are the only ones who can really help me...
I feel the tears roll down my cheeks as I remind myself of all the crap I bring to others. I repeatedly punch the wall in frustration as I let out a scream, slamming my head into the wall hard. I let out a slight painful whimper from the impact. I never let anybody see me like this, they'll just call me crazy and a drama queen...they don't understand my way of coping with these type of situations... I don't care about comfort, so I just throw myself to the floor as I sob into my hooves.
Suddenly, I feel a faint hoof gently stroking my mane, I instantly and instinctivly knew it was my demon, Mensonge. Her cold touch gave me a slight small chill, but also some form of comfort, in some strange twisted way... I honestly don't know if I should be afraid of her anymore because of the things she does to me, but she's the only answer to my problems...the only cure for my pain... Sure the things she tell me are wrong, and there are better solutions, but her's are the only ones that really seem to be effective...
She walked in front of me, seating herself as she put a hoof on my chin staring at me with a creepy smile on her face.
"Another rough day?" she asks me as I simply nod my head in response. She continues to stroke my mane. "You know how to get rid of the pain Scripty, so why don't you?"
I let out a sigh. "You know why, it just causes more pain... and scars... just more trouble for others." I said.
I feel her move over to my shoulders as she gently rubs them, then grows more forced. "You know I know what's best for you, right?" I nodded. "Then why should you doubt me?
"I...don't know anymore...everyone keeps telling me-" I mutter softly but she shushes me with a hoof.
"Would you rather trust Ellie? Or Moon? Would you trust they can give you the actual help that you need? Or would they just call the authorities like always?"
I hesitated for a moment as she continued rubbing my shoulders, causing me to grow physically exhausted. She slowly worked her way over to a sore spot, rubbing it hard. I let out a cry in pain as she rubbed it in circles, trying to get rid of the knot.
"You can't actually trust them, you can't trust anybody. So why listen to them?"
I began to weep softly as she continued rubbing my shoulders, pushing harder and harder until I felt my whole body feel limp. She finally stopped, letting me go causing me to fall to the floor, unable to keep my balance.
"See, now don't you feel better?"
I felt the pain slowly escape from my body as I nodded slowly and got back up. I looked at Mensonge, finding a knife in her hoof. I stared at it for a while, thinking.
"Then trust me, when I say this will help you."
I slowly reach for the knife as I stare at it for a moment, admiring the shiny sharp metal blade that create such beautiful art. I nodded my head slowly as I placed it on my hoof.
I let out a blood curdling scream as I press the blade as hard as I can against my hoof, forgetting how to breathe for a moment as I feel the shock choke me. I shut my eyes tight, trying to tolerate the burning pain as I lower the blade and then stare at the wound, covering it up so nobody will see it and then pull the blanket over myself as I feel my body continue to shake.
I can't take the pain anymore, or the guilt. I cant stand the panic attacks, the level of the stress is too much...Ponies always blame me for everything. Everyone is against me, and I'm bucking sick of it... I don't give a flying feather about life anymore, it's not like anybody cares about me... I don't really have a will to live anymore, so what's the point in living if I have no purpose anymore...
"They wouldn't care if you were gone, and even if they were, they'd get over it with time..." Mensonge said as I felt her behind me stroking my mane once more. "They will always hate you, judge you, lie to you, spread rumors about you."
I feel my body tremble more as I lay there weeping.
"They're not gonna stop, are they...?" I whimper as I curl up into a ball on my bed. I feel her hooves stroke me harder, knowing her answer.
"They never will, ever..." She chuckles softly. "But that's why you have me. I'm here to help and comfort you, because nobody else can..." I feel her soft touch return as I start to become exhausted and I slowly drift off to sleep.
"Tomorrow is gonna be the same routine; wake up, go to school, get home, work on stuff, then go to bed, and repeat..." I think to myself as my eyes slowly close as I drift off to dream land.
"As long as you have me, my dear, you are never alone..." she said as she pecks me on the cheek. "Sweet nightmares, Script Singer..."
I feel her leave my room as my body falls into a deep sleep, unable to wake up until tomorrow, until the hell starts all over again, until the pain grows even more unbearable, until all of it starts all over again, an endless repeating cycle...
This is my home. This is my life. This is my hell. This is my death...
Here I am again... in the darkness that's my home where nobody loves me... The only ponies who can comfort me here, are my demons. That's why I can't get rid of them, it's like they are the only ones who can really help me...
I feel the tears roll down my cheeks as I remind myself of all the crap I bring to others. I repeatedly punch the wall in frustration as I let out a scream, slamming my head into the wall hard. I let out a slight painful whimper from the impact. I never let anybody see me like this, they'll just call me crazy and a drama queen...they don't understand my way of coping with these type of situations... I don't care about comfort, so I just throw myself to the floor as I sob into my hooves.
Suddenly, I feel a faint hoof gently stroking my mane, I instantly and instinctively knew it was my demon, Mensonge. Her cold touch gave me a slight small chill, but also some form of comfort, in some strange twisted way... I honestly don't know if I should be afraid of her anymore because of the things she does to me, but she's the only answer to my problems...the only cure for my pain... Sure the things she tells me are wrong, and there are better solutions, but her's are the only ones that really seem to be effective...
She walked in front of me, seating herself as she put a hoof on my chin staring at me with a creepy smile on her face.
"Another rough day?" she asks me as I simply nod my head in response. She continues to stroke my mane. "You know how to get rid of the pain Scripty, so why don't you?"
I let out a sigh. "You know why, it just causes more pain... and scars... just more trouble for others," I said.
I feel her move over to my shoulders as she gently rubs them, then grows more forced. "You know I know what's best for you, right?" I nodded. "Then why should you doubt me?
"I...donot know anymore...everyone keeps telling me-" I mutter softly but she shushes me with a hoof.
"Would you rather trust Ellie? Or Moon? Would you trust they can give you the actual help that you need? Or would they just call the authorities like always?"
I hesitated for a moment as she continued rubbing my shoulders, causing me to grow physically exhausted. She slowly worked her way over to a sore spot, rubbing it hard. I let out a cry in pain as she rubbed it in circles, trying to get rid of the knot.
"You can't actually trust them, you can't trust anybody. So why listen to them?"
I began to weep softly as she continued rubbing my shoulders, pushing harder and harder until I felt my whole body felt limp. She finally stopped, letting me go causing me to fall to the floor, unable to keep my balance.
"See, now don't you feel better?"
I felt the pain slowly escape from my body as I nodded slowly and got back up. I looked at Mensonge, finding a knife in her hoof. I stared at it for a while, thinking.
"Then trust me, when I say this will help you."
I slowly reach for the knife as I stare at it for a moment, admiring the shiny sharp metal blade that creates such beautiful art. I nodded my head slowly as I placed it on my hoof.
I let out a blood-curdling scream as I press the blade as hard as I can against my hoof, forgetting how to breathe for a moment as I feel the shock choke me. I shut my eyes tight, trying to tolerate the burning pain as I lower the blade and then stare at the wound, covering it up so nobody will see it and then pull the blanket over myself as I feel my body continue to shake.
I can't take the pain anymore, or the guilt. I can't stand the panic attacks, the level of the stress is too much...Ponies always blame me for everything. Everyone is against me, and I'm bucking sick of it... I don't give a flying feather about life anymore, it's not like anybody cares about me... I don't really have a will to live anymore, so what's the point in living if I have no purpose anymore...
"They wouldn't care if you were gone, and even if they were, they'd get over it with time..." Mensonge said as I felt her behind me stroking my mane once more. "They will always hate you, judge you, lie to you, spread rumors about you."
I feel my body tremble more as I lay there weeping.
"They're not gonna stop, are they...?" I whimper as I curl up into a ball on my bed. I feel her hooves stroke me harder, knowing her answer.
"They never will, ever..." She chuckles softly. "But that's why you have me. I'm here to help and comfort you because nobody else can..." I feel her soft touch return as I start to become exhausted and I slowly drift off to sleep.
"Tomorrow is gonna be the same routine; wake up, go to school, get home, work on stuff, then go to bed, and repeat..." I think to myself as my eyes slowly close as I drift off to dreamland.
"As long as you have me, my dear, you are never alone..." she said as she pecks me on the cheek. "Sweet nightmares, Script Singer..."
I feel her leave my room as my body falls into a deep sleep, unable to wake up until tomorrow, until the hell starts all over again, until the pain grows even more unbearable, until all of it starts all over again, an endlessly repeating cycle...
This is my home. This is my life. This is my hell. This is my death...
I don't have to deal with the pain, drama, stress, panic attacks, bullying, frustration, secrets, and lies. I won’t feel so empty and alone. I won’t hurt anymore. Nobody will be against me. This will solve everything.
...
I walk down the school hallway, staring down at the floor as I try to block out the sounds in my head. I walk toward the exit, heading home to get ready for a day out with some friends. I look forward to the small moments where I still feel slight joy and hope with others, but it's not much... I try to treasure any moment where I feel something other than my despair and misery.
I don't pay attention to the time when I'm like this, so the walk passes by quickly, which I enjoy since I'm eager to get home.
You really think you'll pass that test you did today? You were barely able to keep yourself together in there. I wouldn't be too surprised if you're the only one who fails.
I shook my head as I try to ignore the thoughts in my head, but unsuccessful. I can't think clearly when I'm in this state, so what's the point in blocking it out...?
After a few minutes of walking, I arrived at my front door. I enter as I put down my school bag and went upstairs to grab a few things for my day out with friends. I walked up to my room, grabbing my sketchbook in case I wanted to draw in the shade of the park. I also grabbed a book and a few extra quills then headed back out.
---
I trot up to the park, finding Radioflash, Blood Moon, Fire Bloom, Ellie and a few other friends waiting for me. I smile and wave as I'm walking up to them. I notice there are a few other ponies that I didn't know too well that my friends had invited to join us as well, one of them a dragon pony. I assumed he was one of Radio's friends.
"Hey, guys." I greet my friends with a smile. I didn't notice right away that one of the ponies were staring at me with a disgusted look on his face.
"Script, this is Emerald-" Radio started before he was interrupted.
"What is she doing here, who invited her?" Emerald said.
I stopped in my tracks as I felt like I had just been stabbed in the chest. I stared at him, dumbfounded as I felt my eyes begin to sting with tears and my face quickly turned to a quivering frown.
"Come' on, don't be rude." Fire Bloom uttered.
"She's a bucking liar and a loser, looking for attention! Why shouldn't I treat her the same?"
Another image flashed through my mind as the dragon pony continued cursing. I tried to block it out, but he only cursed more. Blood Moon noticed and tried to speak up.
"Emerald, I think you should stop-" Blood Moon said before he was interrupted.
"Why do you hang out with this loser anyway, Radio?"
I turned around dropping my things as I began sobbing at the top of my lungs. I ran as fast as my hooves would carry me.
"Drama queen!"
"Script, wait come back!" Radioflash yelled running after me grabbing my things.
---
I sat under a tree hardly able to breathe due to how much I was crying. My mane was a mess and my face was all puffy. The flashing images of painful memories wouldn't stop, they were burned into my mind and I can never get them out...
I hear galloping and panting, turning around finding Radioflash running up to me. I quickly wipe up my face as I try to look somewhat presentable.
"Script," he said as he walked up to me. He paused for a moment when he noticed how much I was crying. "I uh, got you your bag since you dropped it back there," he said, handing me my bag.
"Thanks..." I say with a sniff. "Look Radio, I know you wanna help but... I really just... want to be alone right now..."
"But, Script-"
"Radio, please... just leave me alone..." I turned away from him, refusing to show my face.
"Alright, if that's what you want..." he said with a sigh. He then turned around and left me there alone.
Alone... that's what I am... I know I'm not alone, and I'm surrounded by others, but it's a different type of alone... one you only feel when you're world crumbles on itself.
People won’t have to deal with my crap, they’ll be rid of me. They’re all just better off… I won’t be starting any more trouble. Things won’t get out of hand because of me.
...
"There I go again, screwing everything up once more..." I mumble silently to myself as my boss yells at me. I tune him out, unable to take the shouting and just nodded my head, pretending to listen.
I do yard work for my next door neighbor just to have enough bits to keep me above water, but even then, I'm barely ashore... I don't even like my job, but I need the money. So I just suck it up like a big filly and take the constant disapproval...
"YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A BUCKING SCREW UP, AND YOU NEVER FINISH THE JOB!" he yells at me. I shut my eyes tightly as my mane falls into my face slightly hanging my head.
"Sir, I asked you nicely to please stop-"
"Shut the buck up, and do the Celestia d*** job right!"
I try to ignore the words and push down my urge to cry at the flashbacks of my trauma. I just nod my head slowly and walk away as he slammed the door behind me. Another day in defeat for proper payment. I haven't really been able to focus much lately, due to my depression so it's been affecting me with my day to day tasks. But I don't really care anymore, I just want to get it over with... not like I'll do it right anyway, so what's the point in even trying...?
He's better off with somepony who could actually do the job right... not some PTSD earth pony girl who can hardly get her life together... I just lay around all day and try to keep anxiety down, when I'm just making it worse by doing anything...I'm wasting my time... I'm just somepony who deserves to be screamed or blamed for something that wasn't my fault, but they have every right to...
I open my front door as I move into my living room and began to sob onto my couch.
...nobody will ever understand how I feel...I...just want it all to...stop...I want everything to stop...
I won't be remembered as a screw-up or disappointment. They’ll get over me with time. People will think whatever they think about me, and I wouldn’t care… they’d have their own judgment of why I did it...
....
I open the door to my friend's house, finding my group of friends laughing and chatting without me, not even noticing me coming in. I just shut the door behind me as I sit beside them, trying to join in on the conversation.
"Hey Script, when did you get here?" Radioflash says as I sit down.
"I just got back, did I miss anything?" I asked but Radio had already joined back into the conversation as if he didn't talk to me before. I felt a slight frown form on my face, but I hid it, trying to have a good time.
Everypony was talking about the latest hot movie that had come out, but I didn't care too much for it, so I just pulled out my sketchbook and started to draw to keep myself busy.
After a while, I was struggling with the anatomy as I always do so I turned to my friend Ellie.
"Hey Ellie, could you help me out with this real fast?" I asked but she didn't hear me, too busy talking about the movie. I gently tapped her on the shoulder, but she held up a claw as she continued talking.
I just hung my head as I felt slight tears form in my eyes. Nopony was even showing me any attention, so why should I be here? I shouldn't.
I just put my sketchbook back into my bag and walked toward the door.
"Script, where you going?" Blood Moon asked noticing me at the door. "You just got here, didn't you?"
"I don't feel too well..." I say shutting the door behind me before she could say another word.
It hurt me to do that to my friends, but it wasn't like they were showing me much of anything, so I might as well have left. I hung my head as I walked back toward my house, staring at the ground as my tears formed in my eyes.
I will be able to be reunited with all my lost ones, people that I’ve longed to be with over the years. The people who would truly understand my pain… and who knows, maybe I’ll have a chance to start over with life. Nobody can tell for sure what happens after death.
...
I sit under the large oak tree where my parent's gravestones are. I can't help but feel an urge to join them in death. I don't really have a purpose here anymore, I just ruin everything... nopony needs me... I should just go and join the others who I long to see again... My body grows tired as I sit there, so I lay down for a moment seeking comfort.
I open my eyes to find myself in darkness. I find my parents before me, along with my grandmother and lost friends. Tears well up in my eyes as I long to be with them again.
I turn to my unicorn friend, Rose Diamond. She looks at me with a smile as she runs off and hides. I chase after her, letting out a soft giggle. As I chase after her, our surroundings change to a playground, and our bodies age back to fillies. I find Rose hiding in the tunnel slide as I sneak up on her, jumping out to surprise her. We both laugh as I turn to run and hide. I let out a giggle as she comes closer, jumping out to surprise me as well.
I see somepony walk up to us. I look up, finding my Grandmare standing in front of me. I run around her excitedly as the surroundings change once more to her house. I lay in her lap as she reads me a bedtime story. I rub my eyes drowsily as I let out a yawn. I feel my dad ruffle my mane as he reads a history book and my mom knits in the corner. I felt safe here, with my family once more. I open my eyes, finding Rose in front of me once more, holding out her hoof.
"You can be happy with us again, Script," she uttered. "Just take my hoof, okay?"
I hesitated for a moment, then took it. I found myself being dragged into the darker parts of my mind as the surroundings change back into darkness, then slowly back to my graveyard.
I open my eyes as I find myself back at my parents grave. I hang my head, wanting to have a reunion with them...want those precious moments with them again.
I know I’m loved. I know I’m needed. I know the consequences of suicide. I know how people would react if I killed myself. I know people would blame themselves. I know I have so much to live for, so much to do with my life. But I don’t care anymore. I just want this pain to end, no matter the cost! I’m tired of needing so much help, always falling down only to be pulled up then pushed back again... I want it to all just stop...
...
Here I am again, locked away in my room, refusing to respond to any of my friends... I know this just worries them more, but they don't really care enough anymore... I mean, it's not like their advice will really get through to me... it's the same old stuff they say to everypony else to keep them from killing themselves...I'm sick of hearing the same things over and over again...
I'm just stuck in the same process, learning the same lesson over and over again... so I'm doing you all a favor if I do this... you don't have to deal with my bull crap anymore...
But we love you
But we need you
But you can't get your life back if you do this
But you have so much to do with your life
But you have so much to live for
But you're still so young
But ponies would miss you
But ponies would blame themselves
Think of the aftermath
...I don't care anymore... I don't give a flying feather about anything anymore... everything is just so numb... I want it to all just stop... I just learn the same lesson over and over again if I stay...
I slowly open my eyes as I find my pillow wet with my tears. I hate looking back on those memories, why can't I just move on...? I can't and I never will... So what's the point...?
I get out of my bed, walking over to my dresser staring at myself in the mirror as the tears roll down my cheeks. I notice everything I hate about myself, to the scars of the past, or my skinny body.
You don't have to do this anymore...
"You're right..." I uttered. I walk over to my drawer and pull out my knife and grabbing a towel from my night stand.
I notice the picture frame of me with my parents the day I got my cutie mark. Tears formed my eyes at that memory but I know that I would be joining them soon.
I put the towel in my mouth as I put the blade up to my neck as I bit down, preparing for the pain. I start to press it against my flesh as I feel the blood begin to spill from my body. My tears run down my face as I press harder until I lose grasp of the knife and I struggle for air.
I fall to the ground as the towel falls out of my mouth and falls onto the floor. I gasp for air as my body begins to spazz out and I stare at the puddle of blood forming on the floor of my room, gushing out of my neck.
Blood... nothing I can see but blood... the taist of iron in my mouth fills my mind as I continue to slip away. My eyes begin to twitch and roll into the back of my head as I hear myself gagging for air, coughing up blood and unable to breathe. I feel a dark cloud come out from above me as I felt myself slipping away farther and farther. I suddenly feel everything stop as my senses slowly die away. I hear a faint voice speak to me.
"You are alone, and nobody will ever miss you when you're gone..."
I feel the darkness overtake me completely as everything goes cold and dark. I feel nothing but a warm fresh puddle of blood.
I wake up with fright as I panic, struggling to breathe for a moment. I see myself in my room, just as it was before. I reach for my neck, finding nothing but flesh. I let out a sigh as I was able to calm down but not before sobbing once more. I turn to my dresser and stare at the drawer that hides my knife. I turn away and curl back up on my bed, crying myself to sleep.
Nobody will ever understand what I'm going through... but I still have to keep going through this Tartarus...
