Sometimes you need to go above and beyond the job description.
One thing you learn about Equestria after the initial shock wears off is that for the most part. These magical little equines tend to have some pretty human problems themselves. Sometimes a long car ride and a comforting word is all someone needs.
I blew a drip of sweat off my nose, and looked at my watch. Ten to seven. She should be out any minute now.
I turned around and looked at my reflection in the tinted windows of the Suburban and straightened my tie. I frowned and also adjusted the black chauffeur's cap on my head. I hated that hat. It reminded me of the dress blues hats that cops wore, only instead of being sharp and proud it was deflated and stupid looking.
I took a deep breath and continued to wait outside the residence of my employer. Filthy Rich. An Equestrian who, as his name implied, apparently had more money than God. As evidenced by the gas guzzling custom Chevy Suburban behind me. On Earth it was a fairly standard escort vehicle. (Not that kind of escort). But in Equestia, where anything human came with insane import restrictions, it was one of a kind. Apparently some things never change. It seemed whether you were on this side of the portal or the other, money could always bend the rules. And Filthy had lots of it.
I wasn’t complaining. Working for him was better than most of the Private Security jobs I had back home, safer too. Even if it meant I was just a glorified bus driver for a rich horse and his family.
The front door to the estate opened and I waited patiently for my charge. Her father came out first, chatting away on a bluetooth headset in his ear, as he often was. Equestrians had taken to modern human convenience like ducks to water. Rumor around Ponyville was we were even getting a Starbucks soon.
The stallion ushered out his daughter. A blue eyed, soft pink young mare named Diamond Tiara. She had her school uniform on, saddlebags slung lazily over her shoulder. She looked less than thrilled as most teenagers did when heading to school.
The filly brightened a little after seeing me and I smiled back. I’d been working for her father for almost three years and over time I grew begrudgingly close to the teenage girl. I spent nearly forty minutes a day driving her to school in Canterlot, so I didn’t have much choice. Honestly I probably spent more time talking to the poor kid than her parents did.
It was a pretty textbook case of “rich girl with inattentive parents acting out for attention”. She was a righteous spoiled little brat when she was younger. Luckily she began to outgrow it. She finally even managed to make some friends. She could still be meaner than a rattlesnake when she wanted to be but for the most part she’d grown up to be at least surface level tolerable.
If I were being honest I have to admit I kinda like her attitude. The ponies were an irritatingly amicable bunch for the most part. It was almost refreshing to see one who wasn’t afraid to get in your face. I dated a Puerto Rican chick like her back in college. Good times.
The kid began to make her way to the Suburban, with her father in tow. Her mother was nowhere to be seen, which is where I prefered her. She was the kind of woman you wouldn’t piss on if she were on fire. Five minutes of talking to that mare made it real clear where Diamond got her mean streak from. But Diamond Tiara was just a hormonal teenage girl. Spoiled Milk didn’t have that excuse. She married into money and immediately abandoned all semblance of courtesy. She was haughty, demeaning, and downright cruel. I was confident that if she and her husband ever actually bothered to speak to one another they’d both file for divorce before the day ended. Luckily he didn’t take his nose out of the business section of the newspaper long enough to have a conversation with the mare. And she was generally off spending money on stuff.
It’s a miracle they found the time to pop out a foal.
“Good Morning, John.” Diamond offered a somewhat defeated smile.
“Miss,” I nodded, opening the back door of the Suburban. The filly hopped into the vehicle. Her father following close behind still chattering away on his bluetooth.
I closed the door behind them. I knew the route, drop Filthy off at the office, then make the thirty-eight minute drive to a private school in Canterlot. They could have sent the kid to the one school the Princess just opened up on the edge of town, but apparently they only studied "Friendship".
Honestly I didn’t blame them for not enrolling her there. What were those kids gonna do with their degree in friendship? Go work at the friendship factory? They’d be bussing tables a week after graduation. Poor little idiots.
Besides the drive to Canterlot was practically my favorite part of the day.
I made my way to the drivers side of the Chevy and climbed in. I whipped off my stupid hat and threw in onto the passenger's seat. One perk of the job was cruising this thing around. Not that I was a Chevy apologist by an means but the blacked-out suburban reminded me of the ones the Secret Service followed the President around it. And as such, it boasted some very swanky modifications. Off-road tires, and custom adaptive suspension was a must. Equestria hadn’t exactly made the switch to paved roads yet and there were areas where the “road” was little more than a dirt path. The six point two liter V-8 engine under the hood was cranking out about four hundred and twenty horses at the wheels. (Earth Horses that is). The brush guard and winch ensured I could pull the thing out of any ditch I managed to get it in. Triple-A didn’t answer calls out here.
I slammed the heavy door reminding of my favorite part of the vehicle. Tinted glass clad polycarbonate bullet-proof windows. ...Well not bullet PROOF, but pretty damn close. Or at least as close as you were gonna get on a civilian vehicle.
Not that one encountered a lot of small-arms fire in Equestria. But when you have money I guess you can afford the best.
I started the engine and began the slow steady drive through the Ponyville streets to Filthy’s office. I did my best to avoid foot traffic. Hoof traffic? Whatever. By now the residents knew to get out of the way when I rolled the vehicle up main street.
I pulled up to Filthy’s office. I got out to let the stallion out. Doing my best to perform a cursory glance around for potential threats. There weren’t any. There never were. This was Equestria, not Syria. Filthy may have been a bit insufferable at times but he seemed to be fairly well tolerated in Ponyville. And though he may have an enemy or two in the corporate world, ponies weren’t exactly the type to whack the competition Godfather style. The Sig Sauer on my hip was basically for formality's sake.
I swung the heavy door open and Filthy exited the vehicle.
He tapped the headset muting the microphone. He addressed his daughter is his comically posh accent. “Have a good day at school darling. Remember you represent the Rich family name. Make us proud.” I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.
“Whatever,” came the filly’s lethargic response. Filthy probably didn’t even hear it. He had already returned to babbling on his wireless headset.
I closed the door and gave my surroundings one last glance. Part of me wanted to skip the bodyguard schtick, but old habits died hard. The one time I didn’t do it would be the one time pony ISIS would decide to pop up on a rooftop and kill me with a pony RPG.
If those existed. They probably didn’t.
I got back in the vehicle and headed out of town. Once Ponyville was safely behind us there was the usual knock on the dividing glass that separated the cab from the back. I depressed a button on the console that lowered the glass and a whole teenage filly began to wiggle though the opening.
Diamond Tiara settled in the passenger seat up front. Knocking my dumb chauffeurs hat to the floor. “You represent the Rich family name, make us proud,” she mocked in a fake posh voice. “I swear, all I am to that prick is a business investment.”
I scoffed, this again. Not that I disagreed with her but I couldn’t help but feel like I had to say something. “You know he doesn’t mean it like that.”
Diamond huffed and rolled her eyes. “Like you would know.” She shot back hotly. “You didn’t grow up with him. He cares more about his shareholders than he does me.” She cocked her foreleg on the center console and rested her cheek on her hoof indignantly.
I frowned. I didn’t have a response for that. “If you’re gonna ride up here put your seatbelt on.”
She groaned but reluctantly clicked the safety belt into place. The silence began to set in. It wasn’t uncommon for these trips to be made in silence. But she seemed to be in a particularly sour mood today.
I sighed. I was far from a youth counselor. I really only knew of one thing that might cheer her up a little.
“You know it rained pretty good last night.” I said nonchalantly. “Lots of empty fields between here and Canterlot.” The filly couldn’t help but crack a smile.
“Do we have time?”
“I can make time.” I promised.
The teenage filly brightened. She reached up and grabbed my ray bans off the dash putting them on.
The filly pushed a button on the radio and the speakers began to blast music. Joan Jett - Bad Reputation. Not my normal stuff but a fitting selection for the occasion.
“Punch it.” she ordered.
I slammed the gas pedal down and the V8 roared to life on the empty dirt road. The Suburban lurched forward as the filly was thrown back into her seat, a smile nearly splitting her face in half. The only thing louder than the music was the roar of the engine.
I wrenched the steering wheel on the dirt road and tore into a field of grass, throwing up mud and dirt the whole way. Diamond Tiara whooped in delight at the wanton recklessness of it all. Apparently Muddin’ was an art lost on the Equestrians. Luckily for them I grew up in the south. We shredded through the field for several minutes, slinging mud and gouging deep ruts into the once pristine Equestrian countryside.
Diamond Tiara threw her hooves in the air and hollered in delight. Sometimes you just needed to cut loose a little and tear up a field of flowers.
“You think I can get it airborne?!” I challenged
“Do it!!!” she squealed.
I torqued the steering wheel back toward the road and gunned it. The Suburban took the culvert like a champ but at nearly three tons the actual airtime left something to be desired. I probably could have gotten a little more out of it but flipping the vehicle with my bosses daughter inside wouldn’t have boded well for repeat business.
The Chevy’s custom suspension took the brunt of the impact as I leveled back onto the road and gave one last stomp on the gas to round out the trip, kicking up dust and dirt in my wake.
Diamond Tiara was laughing with delight and I couldn’t help but smile myself at the little pony’s glee. Her dour mood left in the tire tracks behind us.
For the rest of the trip she was chatty and excitable. Talking about school or friends. She filled me in on the latest classroom gossip. High School seemed a million years ago for me. But apparently I did an acceptable job of feigning interest in her schoolmates’ adolescent melodrama. I was just happy she was talking again.
I tried my best to clear the mud and grass from the windshield, and must have used half a tank of wiper fluid in the process.
“Daddy’s going to be upset if sees the car like this.” She warned with a smile.
We were approaching the city proper. “What your daddy doesnt know won’t hurt him.” I said sagely.
“And how exactly are you planning on explaining this to him when he sees all the mud?”
“I have my ways. You worry about you. I’ll worry about me.”
“I’m not worried about you.” She stuck her nose in the air but retained her smile. “I just don’t want to have to re-train another human when Daddy fires your ass.”
“Watch your mouth, first of all,” I scolded. “And I think you’re worried because no other drivers on this planet or mine would tolerate you, ya little brat.”
Diamond Tiara huffed.
We pulled up next to a pegasus stallion pulling a wagon toward to city.
“What are you doing?” she asked confused.
“Watch me work my magic.” I rolled my window down. “Excuse me!”
The stallion stopped his wagon, and gave me an understandably quizzical look. “Can I help you, friend?”
“I hope so. I seem to have hit a small mud puddle on my way up the mountain.”
The stallion looked over the vehicle. “...Small?”
“Yeah, well, if you would do me a big favor and fly up there and bring me back down a small raincloud I’ll pay you for your trouble.”
“You’re gonna need more than a raincloud for that, mister.”
“Would twenty American dollars change your mind?” I held up the bill seductively.
The stallion hummed contemplatively for several seconds. “Fine. Wait there. I’ll be right back.”
I leaned back in my seat and rolled up my window. “See? Magic.”
The teenage filly rolled her eyes. “You just paid him. That’s not magic.”
“Money is the most powerful magic there is.” I assured.
“Now you sound like my Father.”
“Even a broken clock is right twice a day,” I defended, getting a laugh for my efforts.
The car was suddenly enveloped in a downpour. Globs of muck and mud sliding off the paneling in thick clumps.
For several seconds this continued until the car was about as clean as could reasonably be expected. I’d take a rag to it after I dropped off Diamond Tiara. I rolled my window back down and handed over the money. We bid the stallion goodbye and headed into the city center.
Canterlot was an old city. But even before the arrival of humans there was plenty of room on the street for carriages and wagons which made vehicle traffic slightly more bearable than in small towns like ponyville. However we were still at the mercy of hoof-traffic in regards to speed.
We finally arrived outside a pristine looking private school for the wealthy elite. It was the chosen educational institution of Canterlot’s well-to-do. Nobles and the like. I pulled the car up into the semi-circle out front while Diamond Tiara scrambled back through the dividing window into the back. It wouldn’t look good if the headmistress saw her riding up front like some common passenger.
I exited the vehicle glancing around for anything suspicious. Magical equines notwithstanding. I opened the door and let the pink filly hop down onto the cobblestone.
“Thank you, John.” she said as I closed the door behind her.
She turned and shifted on her hooves expectantly, casting peeks back between the school and me.
“Get going, you’re gonna be late,” I encouraged. Nodding toward the school.
The little filly reared up on her hind legs and wrapped her hooves around my waist, nearly knocking me over in a rare display of affection. She nuzzled her cheek into my stomach and squeezed as tight as her little hooves could go.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t choke me up a little. I knelt down and wrapped my arms around the kid. Resting my chin on her head.
“Go on, now. Go in there and you take no shit from no one, you hear me?” I ran my hand over her mane. Luckily ponies didn’t seem to mind being petted.
The filly gave me one last squeeze before pulling away, she sniffled and rubbed at her watery eyes.
“None of that,” I chided, cupping her jaw and running my thumbs over her cheeks. “Go make that school your bitch. I’ll be right here when your done.”
“You promise?” she asked pitifully.
“Of course,” I assured. “Well...unless your dad’s checks don’t clear. Then you’re on your own.”
Diamond Tiara scoffed but then smiled.
“Now git.” I nudged her rump with my foot.
Diamond shook her head and trotted into the school without a backwards glance. Atta girl Never look back.
I waited for a few moments to ensure she made in through the doors before disappearing from view.
I sighed and rolled my shoulders, already tired despite the early hour. I looked over the Suburban. I’d have to go find a fuel station and finish cleaning the last of the mud and dust off.
I jumped back in and put the Chevy in drive, pulling away from the school to do just that.
Unsurprisingly, there weren’t many fuel depots in Equestria. The few to be had were few and far between. After all the Equestrian government typically had a bad attitude about fracking for oil and were slow on the uptake to the drug that is 'US energy dependence'. Probably to the notable displeasure of the CIA. But that’s a conversation for another time.
It was slow going, but I finally managed to pull the Chevy into the only fuel station on the west side of Canterlot. Coincidentally also the establishment owned by my fourth favorite horse. I pulled up to the first of the two pumps. I put the suburban in park, killed the engine, and stomped the e-brake.
I pulled the lever on the pump. For some reason the Equestrian's used the old school Texaco style pumps. I didn’t give it much thought and I began to pump. I wasn’t really even close to empty but one thing you learn about driving a gas car in Equestria is to fill up whenever you can, because there’s only like a sixty / forty chance the next backwater hamlet’s gonna have a fuel station.
“You gonna pay for that?!” a mare’s voice called from deep inside the attached garage.
“Put it on my tab!” I shouted back. “Unless you started taking plastic,” I added.
“You could pay in bits like a normal pony!” she challenged.
“I’m not carrying around a sack of metal coins just to placate your primitive species's dependence on physical currency, Sunny.”
A blue and blonde unicorn mare finally emerged from the garage, she was wiping her face with a rag that seemed arguably dirtier than the face she was wiping. “Hey Johnny.”
“Hey Sunbeam”
The mare eyeballed my muddy suburban. “You get stuck coming up the hill?”
I smiled back. This was my fourth favorite pone in the flesh. Sunbeam. The rarest of the rare. A pony that could use a wrench. “I took a shortcut,” I explained
“Uh huh…” she panned, unconvinced.
I looked at my watch. Ten after eight. I had to check in at nine am with the Bureau of Public Safety, but I doubted they’d throw a fit if I called early.
“Hey Sunny, can I use your phone?”
The Equestrian nodded. “In the office, help yourself.”
I thanked her and made my way into the fuel station’s garage and through the door in the back leading to the office. Her desk was small, like all the furniture equestrians used. I sat in her tiny chair and picked up her tiny phone, dialing the only number I had memorized aside from my mother’s.
I couldn’t help but once again realize the vast technological difference between the planes. I missed my cell phone… and internet. Equestria was nice. If you were a Quaker. I for one was in love with the golden handcuff that was modern convenience. Filthy had one of the only wireless telephones I’d ever seen on this planet.
The tone buzzed in my ear as the call connected.
“Equestrian Bureau of Public Safety, how may I direct your call,” the voice on the other end answered. I always wondered if it was a human or pony. Over the phone you could never tell.
I eyeballed the small mini-fridge under Sunny’s desk as the phone began to play some inoffensive generic musak-esque tune. I cradled the phone with my shoulder and opened the door of the minifridge. A brown bag presumably containing Sunny’s lunch and a few bottles of soda-pop. There was a cider on the door shelf which I stole and popped the cap off. I fished in my pockets for some spare cash to compensate the hardworking mechanic. There was a fiver in my jacket pocket which was enough to buy a four pack of the stuff but it was a welcome expense.
Grandma would say, Never borrow anything from anyone, but if you gotta… then return more than you took. I leaned back in the tiny chair, and drained half the bottle in one go. It was sweet and apple-y and very good if not somewhat light on the actual alcohol. I’d put it somewhere in the realm of a bud-lite.
The muzak stopped and a voice answered. “Public Safety, Agent Jimenez ID 5586 speaking. How can I help you?”
That was quick. I sat up and fished a small notebook and pen from my jacket pocket.
“Agent Jimenez, my name is Johnathan Bailey, checking in.”
I wrote down the agent’s name and ID in my notebook along with the time.
“Thank you for calling Mr Bailey. Please provide your work ID number.”
“Alpha Sierra 686115,” I rattled off, taking another sip of my pilfered beverage.
“One moment please.” the sound of typing could be heard. This was definitely a human. Ponies couldn’t type that fast. That and the name Jimenez was a dead giveaway. “Please confirm you have your sidearm with you Mr. Bailey.”
“I do,” I confirmed pulling my Sig from its holster. The Equestrians allowed very little through the portal in the way of weapons. The ones that came through were pretty closely regulated.
“Please confirm the serial and rack number.”
“3-8 E as in Echo, 5-4-7-1-4. Rack number 0701. Also Two magazines, thirty rounds, sequential B-1045 through 1075.” I answered the next question preemptively.
“Expenditures?”
“Negative, Zero.”
“Thank you Mr. Bailey, you are checked in as of zero eight twenty hours. For your records again my name is Agent Jimenez ID number 5586. Was there anything else I could assist you with today?”
“That’ll be all, thank you.”
“My pleasure, thank you again. Have a pleasant day.”
I put the child-sized phone back on its receiver. I was golden for another seventy two hours. I finished my drink and tossed the bottle in the wastebasket by the desk.
I made my way back outside the office and into the garage. I cajoled my equine friend into letting me use her hose and a few rags as well. The stipulation was to bring some cupcakes back from Ponyville the next day which I found to be a fairly agreeable demand.
With the suburban clean I finally pulled away from the fuel station and made my way to Filthy Rich’s canterlot apartment. He frequented the city enough on business to warrant a private place to stay but not enough to warrant the purchase of actual property here. It made sense. Canterlot was a city built into the caldera of a mountain. Actual real estate here wasn’t exactly plentiful and as such typically sold for a premium.
I opened the door and closed it behind me. It was still a very nice apartment. And it was here I spent a lot of my time. Many days I’d run errands for Filthy in the city or simply sit here and wait for Diamond Tiara to get out of school.
Like I said, it was a pretty skate job. And I was never one to question providence. I usually took it upon myself to at least make myself useful on my slow days. Gotta make sure I earn that paycheck after all. I removed my jacket and unclipped the holster from my belt, setting them both on the kitchen counter. The next to go was my tie. I made my way to the linen closet where I rummaged out some basic rags, cleaners, and dusters.
It was only a few days prior that I was last here, but regardless I wiped down countertops, and dusted shelves. The beds were all still made and windows could wait a few more days. They looked fine anyway. A few moments of half-hearted cleaning later I noticed a red light blinking on the answering machine by the phone. It wasn’t uncommon for there to be messages here but few enough ponies had Filthy’s personal apartment telephone number. Most knew to call his direct line or his office.
I grabbed my notebook and pen from my jacket, and hit the play button on the recorder.
“John, my boy. It’s Filthy. I suppose you haven’t gotten to the apartment yet. No worries though. I just wanted to let you know. Go ahead and take Diamond home tonight first, then come get me. I’ll be working a little late tonight. Just swing by my office after Tiara’s home and come on in. By then I should be just about wrapped up.”
Easy enough.
~~~~~
I stood outside the school, still sweating. They advertised this country as temperate. Easy summers and mild winters. They fucking lied. Summers were sweltering hot and winters were frigid cold. If I wanted that I’d have stayed in Tennessee.
I took a deep breath and blew the sweat drip from my nose as I stood next to the suburban scanning the mass exodus of young ponies for my charge.
I spotted her scurrying toward me, seeming to be doing her best to stay low and out of sight.
Little alarms immediately went off in my head. My hand slowly found its way to the grip of the Sig while my eyes flicked around for whatever she might be seemingly running from. Nopony else seemed to be in any sort of distress.
“Hello John,” she smiled at me, seeming relieved.
“Is everything alright?” I asked, trying to seem audibly concerned without sounding over-protective or panicky.
“Of course, let’s get going!” she rushed.
I began to open the door for her. I’d surely get the details on the ride home.
“Diamond!” a pony school boy called after my pink charge. Tiara cringed seemingly found by the thing she was hoping to avoid.
We both turned to see a snow white teenage colt with a sharp blonde mane calling after my charge. “You disappeared after class, I was hoping to catch you before you left.” He laughed and huffed a bit, from the effort of catching up to the filly.
I quirked an eyebrow at the scene. Was this a one sided teenage romance in the making?
She chuckled awkwardly, “Sorry about that, just in a bit of a hurry today, you know how it is…”
“Oh of course, I do,” he sympathized in a very posh overacted kind of way. “Such is the way of life for ponies in our class though I should think,” He laughed, apparently unable to read the room. “I simply wanted to say, Diamond, seeing as we’re both ponies of high class breeding. We could do worse than to stick together. You know, business and court relations and all that. I should imagine we would find each other’s company, mutually beneficial. And I was wondering if, schedule permitting of course, you would accompany me for a late lunch / early dinner tonight.”
I did my best not to laugh out loud or grin. Was this how rich kids tried to pick up girls? I wouldn’t know I went to public school. ‘Our relationship could be mutually beneficial’ Jesus, nothing drops panties like a mutually beneficial business relationship.
Diamond kept casting hopeful glances at me as if I was supposed to save her from this. Sorry kid. If he pulls a knife on you I’ll be all over it. But pony high school drama isn’t in my contract.
“Oh, wow, Glitz, that sounds very ...intriguing but I am unfortunately detained elsewhere for the day. I must decline. Busy schedule and everything, right John?” She cocked her head at me desperately.
I failed to keep the edges of an evil grin off my face.
“Uh… No, not that I know of, Miss Tiara. You’ve got plenty of time if you and your little friend want to go have lunch or something. I can alert your father for you.”
I would have died on the spot if looks could kill. The fury in the little filly’s eyes shined brighter than a supernova at my betrayal.
“Splendid!” the colt said. “Shall we?”
Tiara looked like she was about to bust a vein in her neck. “Are you sure John?” After all its Thursday. Don’t I have that THING to do on Thursdays?!” she spoke through gritted teeth.
I relented, I was probably pushing it anyway. I threw on a shocked face and checked my watch frantically. “Thursday?!?! Goodness me, you’re right. I can’t believe I lost track of the day!” I threw open the door. “Get in! Let’s go, we're already late! Go! Go! Go!” I unceremoniously shoved the teenage filly into the suburban, slamming the door behind her.
The colt stood looking shocked at the sudden shift in tone. “Are you still here?! Scram kid! We have a schedule to keep!”
He huffed exactly like you’d expect a rich kid to huff when spoken to discourteously by a commoner. I jogged around to the front of the car and lept into the drivers seat, all but doing a burn-out out of the semi-circle drive out front.
The headmistress was one of the few ponies even I didn’t dare fuck with. I was certain if I left a set of fiery tire tracks out front of her academy she’d have my big ass out here scrubbing it off by day;s end.
A few moments later we were outside Canterlot proper and beginning the descent down the mountain. There was a significantly more aggressive pounding at the dividing window. I cracked it and immediately dodged the swipe of a pink teenage hoof.
“JOHN! ASSHOLE! OPEN THIS WINDOW SO I CAN FUCKING KILL YOU!”
I couldn’t stop the laughter at that point. She was steamed.
“I’m afraid we don’t have time Miss, we have to get you to your Thursday appointment, after all,” I didn my best to keep the suburban on the road while dodging the swipes from the teenage girl in the back.
“OPEN THIS WINDOW IMMEDIATELY THAT’S AN ORDER!”
“Yes, ma’am,” I grinned. Depressing the window button. I waited for there to be just enough space for her to fit. Just as soon as she squeezed her torso through she cocked her hoof back. Before she could hit me I hit the brakes. The sudden momentum carried the whole of the little heiress into the cab of the vehicle where she crashed into the center console and fell to the floorboards of the passenger side in a heap.
“See? This is why I’m always telling you to wear a seatbelt, Miss..”
If she was mad before she was absolutely livid now.
I managed not to go off the road while stiff arming the now furious teenager who was doing her best to kill me in the cab of the suburban.
“Oh come on, it was funny!” I managed to pin the pony against the back of the seat with my free hand while she tried to punch my head. Her little hooves came about a foot short which made her even madder. “I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS FUNNY”
“Oh? How about the time your dad made me take you shopping when I first started and you told the clerk you were kidnapped and I had to spend the night in prison until your dad came and got me out?”
She stopped wriggling and blushed. “That was years ago!”
“People hold on to memories like that Tiara,” I laughed. “You should really work on that temper. How would your boyfriend back there react if he saw you now?”
“HE’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND! LET ME UP!”
I released the filly and she settled for one final slug into my shoulder before settling back into her seat.
“Seatbelt,” I remember her, rolling my arm where I had been struck.
She growled but clicked the safety belt into place.
“How was school?”
“Shut up.” she hissed.
“That bad huh? Should I play the Diamond Tiara song to cheer you up?”
“Don’t!” she demanded grumpily. “I hate that song!”
“Yeah, we’re gonna listen to the song. It always makes you feel better.”
“It does not!”
I hit the button on the cd changer. Changing the discs in the console.
“Noooo!” and just like that the fight was back on as I tried to slap away the filly’s hooves from the volume knob. Hall and Oates began to blast from the speakers.
You’re a rich girl, and you gone too far cause you know it dont matter anyway.
You can rely on the old man’s money. You can rely on the old man’s money!
I sang along as loudly as I could while still fighting Tiara with one arm and driving with the other. “Come on Diamond it’ll make you feel better! I see you trying not to smile.”
Say money money won’t get you too far, get ya too far!
I released the pony and pretended to drum on the dash before belting out the lyrics.
Don’t you knoooooooow? Don’t you know? That it’s wrong!
Diamond finally cracked a smile. “This song is stupid!”
“No it’s not it’s a classic,” corrected.
So far gooone. On your own! But you can get along and you try to be strong!
But you’ll never be stroooong!
Cause you’re a rich girl!
She laughed at me as I poorly sang along to the song, occasionally poking at the pony to emphasize a line or two. The song came to a close and she grinned at my antics. “You done now?”
“Well the songs over so...yeah.”
“Good.”
“Unless I play it again!” My hand went for the repeat button but Tiara was too fast this time. Slapping away my hand and hitting the power button on the stereo.
“Fine then, yes I’m done.”
“Aren’t most manservants supposed to do what their mistresses say?”
“Yes they are. But I’m not your manservant and you sure as hell aint my mistress. I work for your father, not you. If you want peace and quiet there’s about an inch of soundproof glass behind my head you can crawl back through where you’re supposed to be. If you wanna ride up front you gotta deal with the baggage.”
“I need caffeine if I’m gonna deal with your ‘baggage’.”
“You’re too young to be tired.” I admonished, reaching over and opening the glovebox. I pulled out a convenience store bag and handed it to the equine. There was a mocha iced coffee drink, a daffodil sandwich, and some chips. I even grabbed a little chocolate snack cake. “Your dad called me and said he’ll be working late. I don;t know if that’s gonna affect the family dinner plans so I grabbed you that.”
Diamond squealed happily. “I knew there was a reason we kept you around!” she bit the cap off the coffee drink and sipped on it happily.
“And here I thought it was my charming personality.”
“Definitely not,” she advised.
“So you gonna tell me who Prince Charming was?”
“Glitz Glamour,” she explained between sips. “I heard a rumor he was going to try and ask me out so I tried to duck and run before he could.”
“Why not let him? Is he a creep?”
She shifted. “No, he’s... fine. He’s just not really my type. He’s a Countess’ grandson. It’s not a crowd I really want to be involved in, but not one I can exactly afford to offend.”
I hummed.
I was vaguely aware from Diamond’s stories there were generally two classes of students at her school. Corporate rich and Nobility rich. And while there was no ‘official’ animosity between the two, there was apparently always some level of status to be concerned with whenever dealing with the other side.
“The school year is almost done. If you spend all that time being concerned with the social hierarchy you’re going to be going into your senior year a lonely spinster.”
She pppfffft’ed at the prospect. “It’s not really a matter of hierarchy as much as it’s just a matter of me not liking him. I’m not about to be thrown into a loveless relationship like my parents.”
“You’re such a romantic,” I laughed. “Although I must say, it sure sounds like you already have somepony else in mind?? Hmmm?”
“No!” She blushed and scowled.
I gasped “Oh you do!” I clasped a dramatic hand over my heart. “Little Tiara has a highschool crush!”
“I do not! Shut up!” she stomped, scrunching up her embarrassed little face.
“What’s his name, Tiara? Should I tell Filthy to buy wedding invitations?”
She folded her crimson ears and harrumphed. Turning away and clicking off her safety belt she crawled back through the window divider all in a tizzy.
“Fine then, keep your secrets,” I grabbed her drink from the cupholder and hooked the bag of snacks with my pinky. I handed them back through the divider where they were snatched out of my hands grumpily.
I closed the window behind me. This wasn’t the first time I had been given the silent treatment by the little pink horse. I was confident it wouldn’t be the last. Although I did somewhat wonder if I had teased her a little too much.
We made the rest of the drive in short order. I opened the door for my little charge and she huffed and turned her nose as she exited to remind me that she was indeed still cross with me.
I grinned and let her be. Once she was securely back inside her home I turned to go wait on her father. His office was in one of the newer buildings in Ponyville. Although the town was still largely a backwater by many accounts. With the youngest Princess’ new school opening here, it had begun to slowly transform into something resembling a city rather than a small village.
I parked the suburban out front and went inside, breathing a sigh of relief once in the crisp cool of the air conditioned foyer.
“Hello John,” one of the receptionists smiled at me.
“Miss Frost,” I returned the smile.
“I’m sure I’ve told you to call me Cherry,” she frowned playfully. “It’s like you want me to feel old.”
I grinned. “Not at all. I just try to keep up polite appearances with my employer's employees."
“Sometimes I think you do it just to hurt my feelings.”
I finally laughed. “Well that’d make you the second mare I’ve upset today.”
“Uh oh,” she smiled sympathetically. “Bad day at school?”
I sighed and shrugged. “It must be tough being a teenager.”
“Weren’t you one once?”
“Oh no I was born like this.” I gestured to myself.
She laughed. “Go on back, he’s in his office.”
I did just that.
Filthy Rich was on the phone when I walked in. He waved me in and gestured toward one of the seats on the other side of his desk. I sat and waited for his phone call to end.
He finally hung up the phone and stretched tiredly.
“Hello, my boy. How was the drive?”
“Smooth, Sir. As usual,”
“Good.” He nodded. “You dropped Diamond off at home already?”
“Yes sir. Are you ready to go as well?”
Filthy cleared his throat and shifted. “Almost, my boy. There is something I need to discuss with you.”
That didn’t sound good.
“Of course, sir.”
“I received a letter today from Selle Prançais Mare’s finishing academy in Prance. Diamond Tiara has been accepted.”
I did my best to look impressed. He clearly expected me to know what that was.
“That’s fantastic. Congratulations, sir.”
“Yes, thank you, my boy. I am very proud. It is a tremendous opportunity for her.” his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Forgive me if I am overstepping my bounds, sir, but isn’t she already nearly finished with high school?”
“Yes, of course. Selle Prançais also has traditional academic courses. She would attend the academy to finish her twelfth year then stay for an additional year for the finishing school before she goes off to college.”
“That’s wonderful, sir.”
I was pretty sure I knew what was coming next.
“Indeed,” he shifted again. “But I am sorry to say… this means we will no longer be in need of your services.”
I tried to smile comfortingly, sir. “I understand. It’s an incredible opportunity for the young miss. I am happy for her.”
“I’d like to keep you contracted until the end of the summer. If that’s agreeable to you. But when the new semester begins in the fall, our business will be concluded.” Filthy leaned forward meaningfully. “Your services have truly been invaluable to both my business and my family. I am not pleased that this has come to pass. I reward good work, my boy. And I have no illusions that this was a difficult job. Diamond Tiara is the star of my heart but she can be a hoofull. But you did your job splendidly despite that. And more than tolerating you Tiara really seems to like you. The three bodyguards she had before you couldn’t claim as much.”
“That means a lot to me sir. Thank you. You’ve always treated me well. It was an honor working for you and I appreciate the opportunity.”
Filthy nodded. “Well, I had you originally contracted until Tiara graduated. And as I said before I reward smart work. You’ll still be paid in full for your four year contract. Consider it a severance package. I’ll also arrange to have letters of recommendation drafted for you to be sent to the Offices of the Interior and Office of Equestrian Affairs. You should find them useful if you’re ever applying for any work on this side or simply want to take a vacation. And if you agree to stay on for the next month and a half I am also offering you an additional bonus of ten thousand US dollars,”
I couldn’t keep my jaw closed. A year’s salary for leaving the job early? Christ I didn’t know what to even say. And a bonus on top for doing something I was already contracted to do??
“Sir, I …” I fumbled. “Sir the offer is beyond generous but with all due respect sir, I can’t help but feel that... to say that would be a gross overcompensation for my services would be an understatement.”
“I don’t think that at all. I consider it an investment. We agreed to a contract and I am altering the terms, it's only fitting that you be compensated. To be perfectly frank I believe you were worth every single bit. You kept my family safe. And that kind of value doesn’t fit on a check.”
This was the nicest firing I had ever received.
“Consider the bonus a bribe. If I am ever in need of your services again. You will be the first I call.”
“...I...Sir… Are you sure about this?”
“Of course I am. Do we have a deal Mr. Bailey?”
I had to laugh slightly. “Yes sir. We have a deal.”
“Excellent! Now take me home, my boy!”
“Yes sir.”
My mind raced on the drive home. I felt a lot of emotions. I was ecstatic about the money. You couldn’t dream up a better deal. But at the same time. I did just kinda lose my job. I wasn’t too proud to admit I’d miss a lot of things. Filthy Rich wasn’t a bad employer. He always treated me fairly, when I asked for something I got it. He had paid my way through a lot of the legal tape to get me here. He may have had his own issues to work through with his family. But as a businessman and employer he was easily the best boss I’d ever had.
I would miss Tiara too. She had grown up a lot over the past three years. And It’d be a bold faced lie to say I wasn’t attached to her. This is why they tell you to never get too close to your charge. You get emotional and make mistakes. She was a good kid really. And despite growing up with silver cutlery she had it rough growing up.
I even grew accustomed to hear stories from high school, re-living my younger days vicariously through the teenager. I like to think she had a friend in me too. I tried not to treat her like an heiress or a mark. She even asked me for advice sometimes. I don’t know what help that was to a teenage girl but who’s to say?
I was excited by the idea of going home. After all, no work meant no Visa. But still I’d miss Equestria, it was quiet and beautiful and had almost no pollution.
I’d probably go home and go straight to Five Guys.
I took a deep breath and swallowed. I wasn’t quite done with the job yet. I needed to try to not let the smell of the barn make me lazy.
I’d have to say goodbye to everyone, Sunbeam and the acquaintances I made in Ponyville, and the kid.
I pulled the Chevy into the drive of Filthy’s house.
I opened the door and he stepped out.
“Oh and, one more thing Johnathan…”
“Yes Sir?”
“Do us a favor and try not to tell Tiara about the school yet. I want it to be a surprise.”
I nodded, “Of course sir.”
He nodded back, and departed into the house.
I looked at the house and caught Tiara’s eyes before she ducked back behind her curtains. I snorted. She probably wasn’t going to take the finishing school news well. She wasn’t thrilled about being sent away from Ponyville to go to school in Canterlot. I can’t imagine how she’d react to being sent across the ocean for two years.
I suppose it wasn’t my business. But my gut was all in knots.
I hoped she’d be able to make new friends there.
I got into the Suburban and drove back to the other side of ponyville where my little rented one bedroom house was.
It was quiet in my little kitchen. I opened my fridge and grabbed a beer. I paused for a second before replacing the can and going instead to my liquor shelf and grabbing a bottle of bourbon. I was off the clock now after all. And I guess I was celebrating. Or maybe I was coping with losing my job. There were lots of emotions. I broke two ice cubes out of the tray and dropped them into a lowball glass.
I took off my tie and fell onto my couch.
Sitting up I poured a finger or two into the glass on my coffee table and leaned back with my drink as I closed my eyes, doing my best to process the day.
I thought about my job and my home and the Chevy.
I thought about money and Agent Jimenez and how the currents of life send us places.
I thought about Filthy and Sunbeam and Tiara.
I took a slow drink and kicked my feet up on my coffee table.
Several days had passed without incident. I took a deep breath and twisted back and forth in my seat, stretching my back in preparation for the haul up the mountain. We had already exited Ponyville proper and begun the long trek up to Canterlot when the knock at the window came and Tiara plopped hotly into the passenger seat of the Chevy, apparently having decided she’d had enough.
“Alright...what’s going on?” she demanded.
“What are you talking about?” I asked neutrally, turning the wheel up the embankment that began the gentle start up the mountain. Admittedly, I already had a fair idea of exactly what she was probably talking about.
“You’ve been acting weird for the past week. You’re being all quiet and thoughtful. I’m not stupid. I know something’s going on. Whatever it is, you’re all trying to hide it from me.”
“You’re imagining things… And put your seatbelt on,” I added.
‘Nothing like gaslighting teenagers,’. Hopefully she didn’t come out the other end of this hating me. I didn’t know why Filthy was waiting so long to pop the news to her. But I suppose it wasn’t my business to pry into how he dealt with his child.
She clicked her safety-belt into place with a huff. “I’m not stupid, John.” She repeated. “And I don't appreciate being treated like a child!”
“You are literally are a child, Tiara.” I deadpanned. “I am, as we speak, driving you to school because of the fact that you are a child, and children have to go to school.”
Her face went somewhat red. “I’m almost eighteen!” She asserted.
“You’re barely sixteen,” I corrected. “Sixteen is not almost eighteen. It’s almost seventeen. But honestly even that I’m hesitant to give you since your birthday was only like a month ago.”
She glared at me, jaw clenched and cheeks a-flush but not really able to refute what I said. She harrumphed and turned to look out the window haughtily.
“...I know daddy renegotiated your employment contract,” she said quietly.
My blood went a little cold at her tone.
Maybe she knew more than I thought.
“Oh?” I diverted for lack of any other response, doing my best to keep my tone aloof.
“I overheard him talking to his lawyer on the phone about your work visa and restructuring your contract release date. He’s dismissing you early. Isn’t he?”
My hands tightened and loosened on the wheel. She had me dead to rights. At this point there was really no reason to keep denying it.
“That’s right,” I admitted.
She turned on me. Her anger had cooled into something resembling genuine concern. “So what’s changing?” she began to pepper again. “Are you being deported? Are you in trouble?”
I hesitated.
She noticed.
“I’m not in trouble…” I reluctantly admitted with a sigh. I had no idea what to say to the girl that would answer her questions without spoiling her surprise.
“But you really ARE being deported??” she concluded with big, suddenly frightened, blue eyes.
I took a deep breath and cleared my throat. I glanced at the teenager next to me. She was clearly very upset. “When the work is over, my Visa ends. That means I have to go back home. This was always the plan.”
“But I still have a whole year of school left! You were supposed to be with me until I graduated!”
She was getting uncharacteristically distraught about this. I knew we were closer than a bodyguard should be to his charge, I’d dare say we were close to being friends, But I didn’t expect her to be this upset at the idea of me leaving. Ponies were a herd species afterall, I guess the ‘ties that bind’ ran a little deeper in them than it did us.
“I’m not going anywhere soon. You’ve got to wrap this school year up and I’ll still be here for the rest of the summer,” I tried to console her.
“Just the summer!? That’s only two more months! What about next year?” she demanded, the beginnings of anxious tears were forming in the corners of her eyes.
I shifted uncomfortably, clearing my throat again. I was hesitating too long and it didn’t go unnoticed. “Next year…” I swallowed. “...you won’t need me anymore. So my contract was amended. And at the end of the summer, I’ll be going back home.”
“WHY won’t I need you next year, John?”she asked accusingly as fat desperate teardrops collected at the corners of her eyes.
I hesitated again. “You should really hear this from your father-”
“TELL ME!” she shouted.
I bit the inside of my cheek as I tried to think of a way to avoid flat out telling her everything.
The little equine, not failing to notice my hesitance, began to assault my side with a series of tiny pony punches. “TELL ME WHY JOHN!”
I stiff armed the girl as I pulled the Chevy onto the side of the vacant road and parked it.
“Your dad pays me to safely drive you to and from school in Canterlot every day.” I explained. “What could be changing in order for me to no longer be needed for that?” I had the feeling she already knew the answer. Maybe she didn’t want to say out of fear of me confirming it.
She seemed to realize where I was leading her. “Because I’m not going to school in Canterlot next year…” she deadpanned.
I released the teenager and finally relented. “Your dad wanted it to be a surprise.”
She was bone still, processing the information as sudden clarity hit her. “Selle Prançais?” she asked in barely a whisper.
“That’s right,” I confirmed.
Gone was her fitful anger. Replaced now only with a look of utter devastation. “That’s why he keeps bringing it up!?” she began to mentally piece it all together. “Selle Prançais academy is… two thousand miles away from here!” she stated her anger flaring up again before being swallowed once again by apparent despair. Her lips trembled again. “Why do they keep doing this to me?!”
I didn’t know what to say.
“WHY?!” She looked at me as another wave of tears spilled from her eyes, desperately asking me. As if I had the answers. “Why does he do this every time I get something good in my life, they rip me away from it! Every time! Silver Spoon, Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Twist, the Friendship School! I didn’t even WANT to go to school in Canterlot! But they still forced me to leave my life and friends and everything I built in Ponyville behind to start all over! And now that I have finally gotten used to life there, they have to tear it all away again!” She half screamed and half cried. “They couldn’t be bothered to spend a minute of their time with me as a foal, but now that I’m out trying to make a normal life for myself he has to constantly try and take that away too! But that’s not enough anymore now they have to send me to the other side of the planet!?!?”
The floodgates were open. She was racked with fitful sobs. I swallowed the lump in my own throat and choked back my own emotions. Doing my best neutral face.
I felt for her. I really did. But I couldn't start crying too. Someone had to be the adult here. Objectively none of this was even my fault but I still felt lower than dirt that I was, even indirectly, a part of the plot to once again disrupt her life.
I was positive I was overstepping my bounds as a bodyguard but I did the only thing I could think to do and reached over and unclicked her seatbelt and pulled her to my side and tried my best to comfort the little horse. She wrapped her little forelegs around my middle and buried her face in my jacket and wept.
I just did my best to just hold on and gently rock the little mare until she cried it out, running my hand over the back of her head and neck as supportively as I could.
“It’ll be okay, Tiara. I know it hurts right now. I know it's confusing and I know it's scary. You’ve got every right to be angry. And I know it's not my place to say any of this-” I wasn't sure if I was helping or hurting. “...but one day you’ll look back on this and realize it was for the best. Right now it seems like you got dealt a shit hand. And your father is admittedly not without his flaws. But he doesn’t hate you. He’s doing all this because he thinks it's what’s best. I don’t know if he’s right or wrong but this is an amazing opportunity for you, Tiara. When he first told me, you know what I did? I went to the library and looked that school up. Girls leave that academy and become CEOs, ambassadors, titans of industry, heads of state. They’ll give you the tools you need to change the world, Tiara.”
“I don't WANT to change the world!” she cried. "I don't want to be a CEO or a world leader! I just wanna be me!” She buried her face back in my side. “No one ever asks what I want!” her muffled voice was racked with anguish. I didn’t have any comforting words for that. I had to choke back another throat lump of my own.
I wasn’t trained for this.
I went back to gently stroking her mane. “It’ll be okay, Tiara. I promise.”
Apparently it was the wrong thing to say,
She reared back, suddenly furious, and threw a few more half hearted punches into my side.
“You promise?!” she repeated sarcastically. “You knew this whole time and you didn’t say anything! You promised to protect me! You don't KEEP promises!”
I let her punches land. They didn’t really hurt. Her words hurt more.
“I can only do what I can do, Tiara,” I said quietly. She halted her attack at that. “This isn’t what I wanted either. I can’t stop Immigration from sending me back. But I wasn’t lying. I will always be on your side, if there's ever anything I can do for you I’ll do it. But part of growing up is learning that there are some things that are within your control and some things that aren't.” She looked up at me with watery eyes, mascara streaks running down her cheeks. “I can’t stop them from sending you to finishing school. But you can control how you handle it.” I pried her away from my side and cupped her soaked cheeks in my hands, doing my best to wipe off the tears with my thumbs. “And whether you want to or not, I know you’ll go on to do great things, Tiara. Finishing school or not.”
Her big soft blue eyes filled with a new wave of fresh tears. Her lips quivered again. She resumed her spot inside my jacket, squeezing my middle section as hard as she could. “I don’t want to go to school today.” she sniffed from against my ribcage.
In the past she had tried to order me to let her skip class before without success. But today I couldn’t help but think an exception might be in order. “...okay,” I relented. I pulled my handkerchief from my pocket and handed it to her. “Climb in the back and get a water out of the mini fridge and lay down for a bit. I’ll take you home and call the school.”
She was still sniffling but I was able to clean off her face with the cloth as best I could. I shrugged off my suit jacket and placed it over her shoulders, giving her at least that little shelter to retreat into from the world before she hoisted herself back through the divider. I turned the car around in a field next to the dirt road and headed back towards Ponyville.
The ride back was silent. I kept telling myself I was fucking up. ‘You were an employee. You did this to yourself. You knew the rules and you were the one who decided to get emotionally invested in your work.’ I ignored my own internal monologue as best I could and tried to focus on the road.
Filthy wasn’t going to be thrilled. But it wasn’t like it was entirely my fault. She already figured most of it out herself.
I pulled back into ponyville making the relatively short trip back to the Rich estate. I exited the Chevy and opened the rear door. Diamond Tiara had curled up under my jacket on the back seat. Lifting the garment revealed a fitful little pony ball. She was like a puppy with her face buried in her tail.
I sighed and reached inside, scooping the pony bundle into my arms and resting her against my chest. Ponies for the most part didn’t like being picked up. But Tiara seemed too tired and distraught to really care. She buried her face into my jacket again, hiding from the world.
I kicked the door closed behind me and carried her into the house.
I didn’t know if her mother was inside or not. I hoped she wasn’t.
Despite having not spent a tremendous amount of time in the actual house, I knew enough to do my job. I understood the layout and where the exits and potential security risks were. I carried her up the stairs of the expansive home and to her room. I laid her down in her bed. She released me and pulled her covers over herself, collapsing back into her fitful little ball.
I left her room and closed the door behind me. I walked back downstairs to Filthy’s office. I pulled my notebook out of my pocket and dialed the school’s number, assuring them in somewhat vague terms that Tiara was ill and would not be attending today. They didn’t offer much pushback and assured me they would annotate her absence for attendance.
My hand hovered over the phone for several seconds before I placed my next call. I took a deep breath before picking up the phone and dialing the number to Filthy’s office.
It rang a few times.
“Hello?” I recognized Filthy’s voice.
“Hello Sir? It’s John.”
“John?” he paused, I imagine to look at the clock. “Aren’t you taking Tiara to- Is everything alright?”
“She’s fine, sir. I brought her back home. She’s in her room right now.”
“What’s the matter? Is she feeling unwell?”
I hesitated, hoping to both communicate the gravity of his daughter’s distress without overly implicating myself. “In a manner of speaking, sir. She found out about the school transfer and… well to be honest sir, she isn’t taking it well.”
“You told her?” Even I could detect the undertones of displeasure in his tone.
“Not exactly. She overheard you re-negotiating my contract with your lawyer, sir. She puzzled out why you weren’t going to need me next year on her own. I’m sorry, sir. She kind of had me cornered.” It was a bit of a half truth.
There was a short silence on the line. “...I see. That’s unfortunate. I had hoped it would be a surprise.”
“I’m sorry, sir. She was crying. I thought it was best to bring her home. I called the school already and informed them of her absence.”
“Yes, very well then. I’ll be home after work to speak with her. Thank you for contacting me, John. I have to get back to work.”
I cleared my throat uncomfortably. My mind was screaming at me to keep my mouth shut. “Sir… I… I understand this is overstepping my bounds… but if I might suggest, sir. She is very upset. I think it might do her some good if you were to come home and speak to her now.”
“That’s just not possible,” he immediately dismissed. “I have a shareholder meeting today. The board is voting on an acquisition. I can’t miss it.”
This was the heart of the issue really.
Filthy wasn’t evil. He wasn’t a bad guy. He wasn’t malicious or abusive. He just had a single mind for business and not much else. He just didn’t understand that you needed to make time for your loved ones. That his child needed his time and attention, not just a pile of money and a mountain of material gifts.
He didn’t understand that gold wasn’t a substitute for parental affection. That if he showered Tiara with worldly possessions it meant he loved her, instead of actually showing her that he did.
But how could I possibly communicate that to a man who was my boss and benefactor in a way that wouldn't get me fired.
I might regret this but I just had to say something.
“Mr. Rich, sir… I need you to understand that, again despite me being very aware that this is a significant overstep of my bounds, You are paying me to protect Diamond Tiara. In that regard, and speaking as a man to another man. I really must insist that, as her father, you might want to come home and speak to your daughter who is currently bawling her eyes out because she thinks you’re sending her to boarding school because you don't want her around.”
There was a dangerous silence on the phone.
“I... understand,” he sounded shocked. As if he hadn’t even considered the idea that Tiara would be anything other than thrilled at being sent away from her life for two years. “I’ll make the arrangements. Come pick me up, Jonathan.”
“Yes sir. I’m on my way.”
~~~~~
The shouting had gone on for what seemed like several hours. I paced nervously by the Chevy parked outside the estate. Spoiled Milk had, unfortunately, made her presence known when she came home from shopping and asked what the commotion was.
I confessed in detail what had transpired that morning and winced, expecting a tongue lashing from Tiara’s mother. Instead the mare frowned, and adopted an uncharacteristic look of genuine worry before scurrying into the house.
I didn’t know whether I was supposed to stay or go. They had been at it for what felt like hours. I hadn’t been formally dismissed.
The family I was in charge of protecting was in turmoil. My instincts told me to do something, anything. But this wasn’t a problem I could solve with my fists, my car, or my nine-millimeter. I was officially out of my depth here.
So I did all I could think to do, and paced nervously on the edge of the property and awaited some kind of outcome.
The sun went down and time still dragged on.
Eventually the door to the estate opened. I stiffened as Filthy exited the house and took a deep breath before approaching me. I readied myself, unsure how the exchange was about to go.
Filthy stood next to me and the Chevy for several long seconds before speaking. “I’m sorry for keeping you, Jonathan.”
“It’s no trouble, sir,” I assured. “...is she alright?”
He gave a humorless laugh. “I wonder…” he murmured. “Do you have any children, John?”
“No, sir,” I confessed.
He continued. “I’ve never claimed to be the most emotionally intuitive parent. But I love my daughter. And when you become a father… one thing becomes painfully clear.” He stood next to me but not looking at me, seeming to speak into the darkness. “That you will do anything to ensure that your child is ready. Because you know the word isn’t going to afford them the luxuries of time and patience. I can't pretend that I’ve made no mistakes as a parent. I know I have. And I know one day I won’t be able to protect my little girl from the world. So I will do whatever it takes to make sure she is ready to face whatever problems she may encounter when I’m gone. And if she ends up hating me, or resenting me, so be it…” he turned to me. “Does that make sense?”
I shuffled on my feet. “I don’t know about making sense, sir. But I understand it.”
He seemed satisfied enough with that answer. “Thank you, Jonathan. And although this is not how I wanted this to happen. Thank you for today. You are dismissed. I will not be needing your services tomorrow. Feel free to take the day off.” He walked away, heading back inside the house.
I wasn’t sure how to feel about the situation. I couldn’t tell if he was upset with me or genuinely thankful. I imagined it was a bit of both.
I turned and methodically entered the suburban and left the Rich estate. I made my way through the empty Ponyville streets with only the pinging chime of the seatbelt alarm to keep me company.
I pulled into my rental and parked the vehicle.
I collapsed into my couch, suddenly exhausted.
I regretted not grabbing a drink before sitting down. Now I was too tired to hoist myself out of my seat and go get one. I settled for discarding my tie and removing my holster, tossing them both on the coffee table. I massaged my head, attempting to unpack the emotions of the day. I wished I had a TV to turn on and let the meaningless noise fill up the silence.
Oh well…
~~~~~
A knock at my door startled me awake.
I blinked a few times, doing my best to acclimate to the waking world. I was still in my living room. I must have dozed off on the couch.
I rubbed my eyes, still trying to figure out if the knocks were a dream or real life. I looked at my wristwatch. It was twenty past ten. Not super late but well past the time that most ponies would be out and about.
I eyeballed the Sig on my table contemplatively.
Another series of desperate knocks made me jump.
I quickly attached the holster to my belt as I made my way to the door, already chiding myself for my paranoia. I knew objectively whatever was out there wasn't a threat, nothing really was on this planet.
My mental logic didn’t stop me from placing a cautionary hand on my piece while I opened the door.
All that greeted me was a pink teenage pony with dried mascara stains on her cheeks.
“Tiara?” I asked, not bothering to suppress the confusion in my voice.
The little horse didn’t say anything. She just sort of stood there with a miserable little lost expression.
I scanned the dark front yard. There was no one else. She must have shown up alone.
I sighed, rubbing my head. “Come on.” I ushered her inside. She hurried inside the rental property.
She had been in “my” house before, but infrequently enough that her presence seemed out of place as she stepped over the threshold and into the living area proper.
She shied awkwardly into my living room, still not having said anything.
“Do your parents know you're here?” I asked.
She shook her head.
I sighed. This wasn’t going to be an easy night. “Tiara…” I trailed off. I knew I was supposed to say something, anything to the distraught little pony but the words died in my mouth when she looked at me. There was a twinkle of hope in her miserable little blue eyes. As if she also expected me to say something to make it better. I had done my best to coach her through her teenage melodrama in the past, but I didnt have the words or the experience to help with this.
I felt rotten.
I turned and went into the kitchen to make myself a drink, knowing it was just my mind stalling for time at best.I poured a small glass of sweet tea for my underaged charge as well.
I settled in the chair across from the couch where Diamond Tiara sat.
I placed the drink on the coffee table and pushed it toward her implicatively.
She took it and sipped. Seeming thankful for the sweet drink.
“Why are you here, Tiara?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” she admitted quietly. “It seemed like the logical choice at the time.”
“Running from your problems won’t help. You know that.”
She frowned, as if she expected my response. “You’re my bodyguard. It's your job to protect me.”
It was my turn to frown. “I can’t shoot this problem, Tiara. There’s nothing I can do.”
“You could come with me. I’ll convince daddy to talk to the school and hire you on as my retainer.”
“Your father and I already tried. Even after he offered a substantial ‘donation’. Selle Prançais is a private, all-girls, finishing academy. They don't allow servants, attendants, or private security. And it doesn't fall under Equestrian sovereign law so no political pressure we could put on them wouldn’t amount to anything.”
She stood on the couch. “Then take me with you!” she pleaded.
“Take you with me where?”
“To the other side. Let me come with you back to Earth!”
I sat there, mentally processing the desperate request. The last ditch plea of a frightened girl, ready to allow that fear to throw her into choosing an unknown unknown at the impending threat of a known unknown.
“I know you're scared, Di,” I said slowly. “I really do. I was a teenager once. You're old enough now to realize the true value of autonomy. And you recognize you’re being denied that right to choose for yourself. And you’re right to be angry about it. You are indeed being denied one of the most valuable inalienable rights a sentient creature can enjoy. The right to choose.
But you're not old enough to see why. These decisions are being made for you by people who had to make the same choices for themselves. And a lot of them chose wrong. And they love you so much Tiara that they are willing to hurt you a little now, in order to save you from a bigger hurt in the future. Because they learned from those mistakes and they dont want you to make them yourself.”
“They're my mistakes to make!” she shouted, fresh tears.
I sighed. Maybe she was right. They were her mistakes to make. MY parents had the same issue with me. They say you often meet fate on the road you take to avoid it. Maybe it was the same with parenthood. A father tries to make the right choices for his child, only to realize that those mistakes were part of the journey, and there are certain roads a child has to walk alone.
It was too philosophical for me. I finished my drink.
“You can’t come with me, Tiara. You belong here.”
“Like you would know where I belong,” she challenged vehemently.
I took a deep breath, suppressing the desire to snipe back.
“Tiara, you’re scared. And you’re letting that fear write checks you aren't ready to cash. You have no idea what it’s like on the other side. You wouldn't be safe. Even with me.” She stared at her own hooves, red in the face with frustration. I softened a little. It wasn't my place to lecture the kid. “Some things come to an end, Tiara. Whether we want them to or not. And we rarely get a say in when it happens. This is one of those times. It's part of growing up.”
She didnt say anything.
I stood up. “Come on. I’m taking you home.”
“John?” she called gently. “...If I did ever make it to the other side, can I come see you?”
I smiled. “My doors always open for you, kid. Always.” I promised. “My place might be a little less extravagant than you’re used to though.”
She smiled back, although sadly. She hopped off the couch and made her way to the door.
