The Commute

by Muppetz

Chapter 1

*Pffff*

I blew a drip of sweat off my nose, and looked at my watch. Ten to seven. She should be out any minute now.

I turned around and looked at my reflection in the tinted windows of the Suburban and straightened my tie. I frowned and also adjusted the black chauffeur's cap on my head. I hated that hat. It reminded me of the dress blues hats that cops wore, only instead of being sharp and proud it was deflated and stupid looking.

I took a deep breath and continued to wait outside the residence of my employer. Filthy Rich. An Equestrian who, as his name implied, apparently had more money than God. As evidenced by the gas guzzling custom Chevy Suburban behind me. On Earth it was a fairly standard escort vehicle. (Not that kind of escort). But in Equestia, where anything human came with insane import restrictions, it was one of a kind. Apparently some things never change. It seemed whether you were on this side of the portal or the other, money could always bend the rules. And Filthy had lots of it.

I wasn’t complaining. Working for him was better than most of the Private Security jobs I had back home, safer too. Even if it meant I was just a glorified bus driver for a rich horse and his family.

The front door to the estate opened and I waited patiently for my charge. Her father came out first, chatting away on a bluetooth headset in his ear, as he often was. Equestrians had taken to modern human convenience like ducks to water. Rumor around Ponyville was we were even getting a Starbucks soon.

The stallion ushered out his daughter. A blue eyed, soft pink young mare named Diamond Tiara. She had her school uniform on, saddlebags slung lazily over her shoulder. She looked less than thrilled as most teenagers did when heading to school.

The filly brightened a little after seeing me and I smiled back. I’d been working for her father for almost three years and over time I grew begrudgingly close to the teenage girl. I spent nearly forty minutes a day driving her to school in Canterlot, so I didn’t have much choice. Honestly I probably spent more time talking to the poor kid than her parents did.

It was a pretty textbook case of “rich girl with inattentive parents acting out for attention”. She was a righteous spoiled little brat when she was younger. Luckily she began to outgrow it. She finally even managed to make some friends.
She could still be meaner than a rattlesnake when she wanted to be but for the most part she’d grown up to be at least surface level tolerable.

If I were being honest I have to admit I kinda like her attitude. The ponies were an irritatingly amicable bunch for the most part. It was almost refreshing to see one who wasn’t afraid to get in your face. I dated a Puerto Rican chick like her back in college. Good times.

The kid began to make her way to the Suburban, with her father in tow. Her mother was nowhere to be seen, which is where I prefered her. She was the kind of woman you wouldn’t piss on if she were on fire. Five minutes of talking to that mare made it real clear where Diamond got her mean streak from. But Diamond Tiara was just a hormonal teenage girl. Spoiled Milk didn’t have that excuse. She married into money and immediately abandoned all semblance of courtesy. She was haughty, demeaning, and downright cruel. I was confident that if she and her husband ever actually bothered to speak to one another they’d both file for divorce before the day ended. Luckily he didn’t take his nose out of the business section of the newspaper long enough to have a conversation with the mare. And she was generally off spending money on stuff.

It’s a miracle they found the time to pop out a foal.

“Good Morning, John.” Diamond offered a somewhat defeated smile.

“Miss,” I nodded, opening the back door of the Suburban. The filly hopped into the vehicle. Her father following close behind still chattering away on his bluetooth.

I closed the door behind them. I knew the route, drop Filthy off at the office, then make the thirty-eight minute drive to a private school in Canterlot. They could have sent the kid to the one school the Princess just opened up on the edge of town, but apparently they only studied "Friendship".

Honestly I didn’t blame them for not enrolling her there. What were those kids gonna do with their degree in friendship? Go work at the friendship factory? They’d be bussing tables a week after graduation. Poor little idiots.

Besides the drive to Canterlot was practically my favorite part of the day.

I made my way to the drivers side of the Chevy and climbed in. I whipped off my stupid hat and threw in onto the passenger's seat. One perk of the job was cruising this thing around. Not that I was a Chevy apologist by an means but the blacked-out suburban reminded me of the ones the Secret Service followed the President around it. And as such, it boasted some very swanky modifications. Off-road tires, and custom adaptive suspension was a must. Equestria hadn’t exactly made the switch to paved roads yet and there were areas where the “road” was little more than a dirt path. The six point two liter V-8 engine under the hood was cranking out about four hundred and twenty horses at the wheels. (Earth Horses that is). The brush guard and winch ensured I could pull the thing out of any ditch I managed to get it in. Triple-A didn’t answer calls out here.

I slammed the heavy door reminding of my favorite part of the vehicle. Tinted glass clad polycarbonate bullet-proof windows. ...Well not bullet PROOF, but pretty damn close. Or at least as close as you were gonna get on a civilian vehicle.

Not that one encountered a lot of small-arms fire in Equestria. But when you have money I guess you can afford the best.

I started the engine and began the slow steady drive through the Ponyville streets to Filthy’s office. I did my best to avoid foot traffic. Hoof traffic? Whatever. By now the residents knew to get out of the way when I rolled the vehicle up main street.

I pulled up to Filthy’s office. I got out to let the stallion out. Doing my best to perform a cursory glance around for potential threats. There weren’t any. There never were. This was Equestria, not Syria. Filthy may have been a bit insufferable at times but he seemed to be fairly well tolerated in Ponyville. And though he may have an enemy or two in the corporate world, ponies weren’t exactly the type to whack the competition Godfather style. The Sig Sauer on my hip was basically for formality's sake.

I swung the heavy door open and Filthy exited the vehicle.

He tapped the headset muting the microphone. He addressed his daughter is his comically posh accent. “Have a good day at school darling. Remember you represent the Rich family name. Make us proud.” I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

“Whatever,” came the filly’s lethargic response. Filthy probably didn’t even hear it. He had already returned to babbling on his wireless headset.

I closed the door and gave my surroundings one last glance. Part of me wanted to skip the bodyguard schtick, but old habits died hard. The one time I didn’t do it would be the one time pony ISIS would decide to pop up on a rooftop and kill me with a pony RPG.

If those existed. They probably didn’t.

I got back in the vehicle and headed out of town. Once Ponyville was safely behind us there was the usual knock on the dividing glass that separated the cab from the back. I depressed a button on the console that lowered the glass and a whole teenage filly began to wiggle though the opening.

Diamond Tiara settled in the passenger seat up front. Knocking my dumb chauffeurs hat to the floor. “You represent the Rich family name, make us proud,” she mocked in a fake posh voice. “I swear, all I am to that prick is a business investment.”

I scoffed, this again. Not that I disagreed with her but I couldn’t help but feel like I had to say something. “You know he doesn’t mean it like that.”

Diamond huffed and rolled her eyes. “Like you would know.” She shot back hotly. “You didn’t grow up with him. He cares more about his shareholders than he does me.” She cocked her foreleg on the center console and rested her cheek on her hoof indignantly.

I frowned. I didn’t have a response for that. “If you’re gonna ride up here put your seatbelt on.”

She groaned but reluctantly clicked the safety belt into place. The silence began to set in. It wasn’t uncommon for these trips to be made in silence. But she seemed to be in a particularly sour mood today.

I sighed. I was far from a youth counselor. I really only knew of one thing that might cheer her up a little.

“You know it rained pretty good last night.” I said nonchalantly. “Lots of empty fields between here and Canterlot.” The filly couldn’t help but crack a smile.

“Do we have time?”

“I can make time.” I promised.

The teenage filly brightened. She reached up and grabbed my ray bans off the dash putting them on.

The filly pushed a button on the radio and the speakers began to blast music. Joan Jett - Bad Reputation. Not my normal stuff but a fitting selection for the occasion.

“Punch it.” she ordered.

I slammed the gas pedal down and the V8 roared to life on the empty dirt road. The Suburban lurched forward as the filly was thrown back into her seat, a smile nearly splitting her face in half. The only thing louder than the music was the roar of the engine.

I wrenched the steering wheel on the dirt road and tore into a field of grass, throwing up mud and dirt the whole way. Diamond Tiara whooped in delight at the wanton recklessness of it all. Apparently Muddin’ was an art lost on the Equestrians. Luckily for them I grew up in the south. We shredded through the field for several minutes, slinging mud and gouging deep ruts into the once pristine Equestrian countryside.

Diamond Tiara threw her hooves in the air and hollered in delight. Sometimes you just needed to cut loose a little and tear up a field of flowers.

“You think I can get it airborne?!” I challenged

“Do it!!!” she squealed.

I torqued the steering wheel back toward the road and gunned it. The Suburban took the culvert like a champ but at nearly three tons the actual airtime left something to be desired. I probably could have gotten a little more out of it but flipping the vehicle with my bosses daughter inside wouldn’t have boded well for repeat business.

The Chevy’s custom suspension took the brunt of the impact as I leveled back onto the road and gave one last stomp on the gas to round out the trip, kicking up dust and dirt in my wake.

Diamond Tiara was laughing with delight and I couldn’t help but smile myself at the little pony’s glee. Her dour mood left in the tire tracks behind us.

For the rest of the trip she was chatty and excitable. Talking about school or friends. She filled me in on the latest classroom gossip. High School seemed a million years ago for me. But apparently I did an acceptable job of feigning interest in her schoolmates’ adolescent melodrama. I was just happy she was talking again.

I tried my best to clear the mud and grass from the windshield, and must have used half a tank of wiper fluid in the process.

“Daddy’s going to be upset if sees the car like this.” She warned with a smile.

We were approaching the city proper. “What your daddy doesnt know won’t hurt him.” I said sagely.

“And how exactly are you planning on explaining this to him when he sees all the mud?”

“I have my ways. You worry about you. I’ll worry about me.”

“I’m not worried about you.” She stuck her nose in the air but retained her smile. “I just don’t want to have to re-train another human when Daddy fires your ass.”

“Watch your mouth, first of all,” I scolded. “And I think you’re worried because no other drivers on this planet or mine would tolerate you, ya little brat.”

Diamond Tiara huffed.

We pulled up next to a pegasus stallion pulling a wagon toward to city.

“What are you doing?” she asked confused.

“Watch me work my magic.” I rolled my window down. “Excuse me!”

The stallion stopped his wagon, and gave me an understandably quizzical look. “Can I help you, friend?”

“I hope so. I seem to have hit a small mud puddle on my way up the mountain.”

The stallion looked over the vehicle. “...Small?”

“Yeah, well, if you would do me a big favor and fly up there and bring me back down a small raincloud I’ll pay you for your trouble.”

“You’re gonna need more than a raincloud for that, mister.”

“Would twenty American dollars change your mind?” I held up the bill seductively.

The stallion hummed contemplatively for several seconds. “Fine. Wait there. I’ll be right back.”

I leaned back in my seat and rolled up my window. “See? Magic.”

The teenage filly rolled her eyes. “You just paid him. That’s not magic.”

“Money is the most powerful magic there is.” I assured.

“Now you sound like my Father.”

“Even a broken clock is right twice a day,” I defended, getting a laugh for my efforts.

The car was suddenly enveloped in a downpour. Globs of muck and mud sliding off the paneling in thick clumps.

For several seconds this continued until the car was about as clean as could reasonably be expected. I’d take a rag to it after I dropped off Diamond Tiara. I rolled my window back down and handed over the money. We bid the stallion goodbye and headed into the city center.

Canterlot was an old city. But even before the arrival of humans there was plenty of room on the street for carriages and wagons which made vehicle traffic slightly more bearable than in small towns like ponyville. However we were still at the mercy of hoof-traffic in regards to speed.

We finally arrived outside a pristine looking private school for the wealthy elite. It was the chosen educational institution of Canterlot’s well-to-do. Nobles and the like. I pulled the car up into the semi-circle out front while Diamond Tiara scrambled back through the dividing window into the back. It wouldn’t look good if the headmistress saw her riding up front like some common passenger.

I exited the vehicle glancing around for anything suspicious. Magical equines notwithstanding. I opened the door and let the pink filly hop down onto the cobblestone.

“Thank you, John.” she said as I closed the door behind her.

She turned and shifted on her hooves expectantly, casting peeks back between the school and me.

“Get going, you’re gonna be late,” I encouraged. Nodding toward the school.

The little filly reared up on her hind legs and wrapped her hooves around my waist, nearly knocking me over in a rare display of affection. She nuzzled her cheek into my stomach and squeezed as tight as her little hooves could go.

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t choke me up a little. I knelt down and wrapped my arms around the kid. Resting my chin on her head.

“Go on, now. Go in there and you take no shit from no one, you hear me?” I ran my hand over her mane. Luckily ponies didn’t seem to mind being petted.

The filly gave me one last squeeze before pulling away, she sniffled and rubbed at her watery eyes.

“None of that,” I chided, cupping her jaw and running my thumbs over her cheeks. “Go make that school your bitch. I’ll be right here when your done.”

“You promise?” she asked pitifully.

“Of course,” I assured. “Well...unless your dad’s checks don’t clear. Then you’re on your own.”

Diamond Tiara scoffed but then smiled.

“Now git.” I nudged her rump with my foot.

Diamond shook her head and trotted into the school without a backwards glance. Atta girl Never look back.

I waited for a few moments to ensure she made in through the doors before disappearing from view.

I sighed and rolled my shoulders, already tired despite the early hour. I looked over the Suburban. I’d have to go find a fuel station and finish cleaning the last of the mud and dust off.

I jumped back in and put the Chevy in drive, pulling away from the school to do just that.

Comments

[Backslasherton]

Awesome story. John reminds me of my friend, coincidentally also named John, who's got a bigass 2003 GMC Yukon and he can drift the thing around a parking lot. Feels like the whole thing is about to roll.

[protopony]

Your dialog always flows so naturally, am jealous.

[PaintedPony]

You do quality over quantity. It seems no matter what you write, I'm interested. Liked and followed. Another chapter like this I'll favorite it. (This is in no way to be interpreted as a bribe, understand, or license to slack off on your other story. )

[Starbolt-81]

hehe, pony ISIS and pony RPG's, theres an image for ya.

[paladinwolf]

Great start, let's see where this bump road takes us!
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[ChronoMitsurugi]

9447022
Its awesome. I had a 2001 Yukon myself. My little cousin made the mistake of bringing some friends along when me and him went out cruising. So of course i had to show off my truck.

[AtreyuMathias]

Wait, so this story takes place in the same universe as Article 2 but in the future? Or is it a separate universe?

[NightScript]

Ah, I see the god of HiE has graced us with another story. I look forward to seeing where this one goes.

[ALittleUnwell]

You knocked this one out of the park. As much as I'm looking forward to the next installment of Article 2, I'd wouldn't be upset if this got more updates.