• Published 8th Feb 2019
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The Commute - Muppetz



Sometimes you need to go above and beyond the job description.

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Chapter 2

The Commute

Unsurprisingly, there weren’t many fuel depots in Equestria. The few to be had were few and far between. After all the Equestrian government typically had a bad attitude about fracking for oil and were slow on the uptake to the drug that is 'US energy dependence'. Probably to the notable displeasure of the CIA. But that’s a conversation for another time.

It was slow going, but I finally managed to pull the Chevy into the only fuel station on the west side of Canterlot. Coincidentally also the establishment owned by my fourth favorite horse. I pulled up to the first of the two pumps. I put the suburban in park, killed the engine, and stomped the e-brake.

I pulled the lever on the pump. For some reason the Equestrian's used the old school Texaco style pumps. I didn’t give it much thought and I began to pump. I wasn’t really even close to empty but one thing you learn about driving a gas car in Equestria is to fill up whenever you can, because there’s only like a sixty / forty chance the next backwater hamlet’s gonna have a fuel station.

“You gonna pay for that?!” a mare’s voice called from deep inside the attached garage.

“Put it on my tab!” I shouted back. “Unless you started taking plastic,” I added.

“You could pay in bits like a normal pony!” she challenged.

“I’m not carrying around a sack of metal coins just to placate your primitive species's dependence on physical currency, Sunny.”

A blue and blonde unicorn mare finally emerged from the garage, she was wiping her face with a rag that seemed arguably dirtier than the face she was wiping. “Hey Johnny.”

“Hey Sunbeam”

The mare eyeballed my muddy suburban. “You get stuck coming up the hill?”

I smiled back. This was my fourth favorite pone in the flesh. Sunbeam. The rarest of the rare. A pony that could use a wrench. “I took a shortcut,” I explained

“Uh huh…” she panned, unconvinced.

I looked at my watch. Ten after eight. I had to check in at nine am with the Bureau of Public Safety, but I doubted they’d throw a fit if I called early.

“Hey Sunny, can I use your phone?”

The Equestrian nodded. “In the office, help yourself.”

I thanked her and made my way into the fuel station’s garage and through the door in the back leading to the office. Her desk was small, like all the furniture equestrians used. I sat in her tiny chair and picked up her tiny phone, dialing the only number I had memorized aside from my mother’s.

I couldn’t help but once again realize the vast technological difference between the planes. I missed my cell phone… and internet. Equestria was nice. If you were a Quaker. I for one was in love with the golden handcuff that was modern convenience. Filthy had one of the only wireless telephones I’d ever seen on this planet.

The tone buzzed in my ear as the call connected.

Equestrian Bureau of Public Safety, how may I direct your call,” the voice on the other end answered. I always wondered if it was a human or pony. Over the phone you could never tell.

“Work-visa check-in call. Armed Security Services, please.”

Please hold…”

I eyeballed the small mini-fridge under Sunny’s desk as the phone began to play some inoffensive generic musak-esque tune. I cradled the phone with my shoulder and opened the door of the minifridge. A brown bag presumably containing Sunny’s lunch and a few bottles of soda-pop. There was a cider on the door shelf which I stole and popped the cap off. I fished in my pockets for some spare cash to compensate the hardworking mechanic. There was a fiver in my jacket pocket which was enough to buy a four pack of the stuff but it was a welcome expense.

Grandma would say, Never borrow anything from anyone, but if you gotta… then return more than you took. I leaned back in the tiny chair, and drained half the bottle in one go. It was sweet and apple-y and very good if not somewhat light on the actual alcohol. I’d put it somewhere in the realm of a bud-lite.

The muzak stopped and a voice answered. “Public Safety, Agent Jimenez ID 5586 speaking. How can I help you?

That was quick. I sat up and fished a small notebook and pen from my jacket pocket.

“Agent Jimenez, my name is Johnathan Bailey, checking in.”

I wrote down the agent’s name and ID in my notebook along with the time.

Thank you for calling Mr Bailey. Please provide your work ID number.”

“Alpha Sierra 686115,” I rattled off, taking another sip of my pilfered beverage.

One moment please.” the sound of typing could be heard. This was definitely a human. Ponies couldn’t type that fast. That and the name Jimenez was a dead giveaway. “Please confirm you have your sidearm with you Mr. Bailey.”

I do,” I confirmed pulling my Sig from its holster. The Equestrians allowed very little through the portal in the way of weapons. The ones that came through were pretty closely regulated.

Please confirm the serial and rack number.”

“3-8 E as in Echo, 5-4-7-1-4. Rack number 0701. Also Two magazines, thirty rounds, sequential B-1045 through 1075.” I answered the next question preemptively.

Expenditures?”

“Negative, Zero.”

Thank you Mr. Bailey, you are checked in as of zero eight twenty hours. For your records again my name is Agent Jimenez ID number 5586. Was there anything else I could assist you with today?”

“That’ll be all, thank you.”

“My pleasure, thank you again. Have a pleasant day.”

I put the child-sized phone back on its receiver. I was golden for another seventy two hours. I finished my drink and tossed the bottle in the wastebasket by the desk.

I made my way back outside the office and into the garage. I cajoled my equine friend into letting me use her hose and a few rags as well. The stipulation was to bring some cupcakes back from Ponyville the next day which I found to be a fairly agreeable demand.

With the suburban clean I finally pulled away from the fuel station and made my way to Filthy Rich’s canterlot apartment. He frequented the city enough on business to warrant a private place to stay but not enough to warrant the purchase of actual property here. It made sense. Canterlot was a city built into the caldera of a mountain. Actual real estate here wasn’t exactly plentiful and as such typically sold for a premium.

I opened the door and closed it behind me. It was still a very nice apartment. And it was here I spent a lot of my time. Many days I’d run errands for Filthy in the city or simply sit here and wait for Diamond Tiara to get out of school.

Like I said, it was a pretty skate job. And I was never one to question providence. I usually took it upon myself to at least make myself useful on my slow days. Gotta make sure I earn that paycheck after all. I removed my jacket and unclipped the holster from my belt, setting them both on the kitchen counter. The next to go was my tie. I made my way to the linen closet where I rummaged out some basic rags, cleaners, and dusters.

It was only a few days prior that I was last here, but regardless I wiped down countertops, and dusted shelves. The beds were all still made and windows could wait a few more days. They looked fine anyway. A few moments of half-hearted cleaning later I noticed a red light blinking on the answering machine by the phone. It wasn’t uncommon for there to be messages here but few enough ponies had Filthy’s personal apartment telephone number. Most knew to call his direct line or his office.

I grabbed my notebook and pen from my jacket, and hit the play button on the recorder.

John, my boy. It’s Filthy. I suppose you haven’t gotten to the apartment yet. No worries though. I just wanted to let you know. Go ahead and take Diamond home tonight first, then come get me. I’ll be working a little late tonight. Just swing by my office after Tiara’s home and come on in. By then I should be just about wrapped up.

Easy enough.

~~~~~

I stood outside the school, still sweating. They advertised this country as temperate. Easy summers and mild winters. They fucking lied. Summers were sweltering hot and winters were frigid cold. If I wanted that I’d have stayed in Tennessee.

I took a deep breath and blew the sweat drip from my nose as I stood next to the suburban scanning the mass exodus of young ponies for my charge.

I spotted her scurrying toward me, seeming to be doing her best to stay low and out of sight.

Little alarms immediately went off in my head. My hand slowly found its way to the grip of the Sig while my eyes flicked around for whatever she might be seemingly running from. Nopony else seemed to be in any sort of distress.

“Hello John,” she smiled at me, seeming relieved.

“Is everything alright?” I asked, trying to seem audibly concerned without sounding over-protective or panicky.

“Of course, let’s get going!” she rushed.

I began to open the door for her. I’d surely get the details on the ride home.

“Diamond!” a pony school boy called after my pink charge. Tiara cringed seemingly found by the thing she was hoping to avoid.

We both turned to see a snow white teenage colt with a sharp blonde mane calling after my charge. “You disappeared after class, I was hoping to catch you before you left.” He laughed and huffed a bit, from the effort of catching up to the filly.

I quirked an eyebrow at the scene. Was this a one sided teenage romance in the making?

She chuckled awkwardly, “Sorry about that, just in a bit of a hurry today, you know how it is…”

“Oh of course, I do,” he sympathized in a very posh overacted kind of way. “Such is the way of life for ponies in our class though I should think,” He laughed, apparently unable to read the room. “I simply wanted to say, Diamond, seeing as we’re both ponies of high class breeding. We could do worse than to stick together. You know, business and court relations and all that. I should imagine we would find each other’s company, mutually beneficial. And I was wondering if, schedule permitting of course, you would accompany me for a late lunch / early dinner tonight.”

I did my best not to laugh out loud or grin. Was this how rich kids tried to pick up girls? I wouldn’t know I went to public school. ‘Our relationship could be mutually beneficial’ Jesus, nothing drops panties like a mutually beneficial business relationship.

Diamond kept casting hopeful glances at me as if I was supposed to save her from this. Sorry kid. If he pulls a knife on you I’ll be all over it. But pony high school drama isn’t in my contract.

“Oh, wow, Glitz, that sounds very ...intriguing but I am unfortunately detained elsewhere for the day. I must decline. Busy schedule and everything, right John?” She cocked her head at me desperately.

I failed to keep the edges of an evil grin off my face.

“Uh… No, not that I know of, Miss Tiara. You’ve got plenty of time if you and your little friend want to go have lunch or something. I can alert your father for you.”

I would have died on the spot if looks could kill. The fury in the little filly’s eyes shined brighter than a supernova at my betrayal.

“Splendid!” the colt said. “Shall we?”

Tiara looked like she was about to bust a vein in her neck. “Are you sure John?” After all its Thursday. Don’t I have that THING to do on Thursdays?!” she spoke through gritted teeth.

I relented, I was probably pushing it anyway. I threw on a shocked face and checked my watch frantically. “Thursday?!?! Goodness me, you’re right. I can’t believe I lost track of the day!” I threw open the door. “Get in! Let’s go, we're already late! Go! Go! Go!” I unceremoniously shoved the teenage filly into the suburban, slamming the door behind her.

The colt stood looking shocked at the sudden shift in tone. “Are you still here?! Scram kid! We have a schedule to keep!”

He huffed exactly like you’d expect a rich kid to huff when spoken to discourteously by a commoner. I jogged around to the front of the car and lept into the drivers seat, all but doing a burn-out out of the semi-circle drive out front.

The headmistress was one of the few ponies even I didn’t dare fuck with. I was certain if I left a set of fiery tire tracks out front of her academy she’d have my big ass out here scrubbing it off by day;s end.

A few moments later we were outside Canterlot proper and beginning the descent down the mountain. There was a significantly more aggressive pounding at the dividing window. I cracked it and immediately dodged the swipe of a pink teenage hoof.

“JOHN! ASSHOLE! OPEN THIS WINDOW SO I CAN FUCKING KILL YOU!”

I couldn’t stop the laughter at that point. She was steamed.

“I’m afraid we don’t have time Miss, we have to get you to your Thursday appointment, after all,” I didn my best to keep the suburban on the road while dodging the swipes from the teenage girl in the back.

“OPEN THIS WINDOW IMMEDIATELY THAT’S AN ORDER!”

“Yes, ma’am,” I grinned. Depressing the window button. I waited for there to be just enough space for her to fit. Just as soon as she squeezed her torso through she cocked her hoof back. Before she could hit me I hit the brakes. The sudden momentum carried the whole of the little heiress into the cab of the vehicle where she crashed into the center console and fell to the floorboards of the passenger side in a heap.

“See? This is why I’m always telling you to wear a seatbelt, Miss..”

If she was mad before she was absolutely livid now.

I managed not to go off the road while stiff arming the now furious teenager who was doing her best to kill me in the cab of the suburban.

“Oh come on, it was funny!” I managed to pin the pony against the back of the seat with my free hand while she tried to punch my head. Her little hooves came about a foot short which made her even madder. “I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS FUNNY”

“Oh? How about the time your dad made me take you shopping when I first started and you told the clerk you were kidnapped and I had to spend the night in prison until your dad came and got me out?”

She stopped wriggling and blushed. “That was years ago!”

“People hold on to memories like that Tiara,” I laughed. “You should really work on that temper. How would your boyfriend back there react if he saw you now?”

“HE’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND! LET ME UP!”

I released the filly and she settled for one final slug into my shoulder before settling back into her seat.

“Seatbelt,” I remember her, rolling my arm where I had been struck.

She growled but clicked the safety belt into place.

“How was school?”

“Shut up.” she hissed.

“That bad huh? Should I play the Diamond Tiara song to cheer you up?”

“Don’t!” she demanded grumpily. “I hate that song!”

“Yeah, we’re gonna listen to the song. It always makes you feel better.”

“It does not!”

I hit the button on the cd changer. Changing the discs in the console.

“Noooo!” and just like that the fight was back on as I tried to slap away the filly’s hooves from the volume knob. Hall and Oates began to blast from the speakers.

You’re a rich girl, and you gone too far cause you know it dont matter anyway.

You can rely on the old man’s money. You can rely on the old man’s money!

I sang along as loudly as I could while still fighting Tiara with one arm and driving with the other. “Come on Diamond it’ll make you feel better! I see you trying not to smile.”

Say money money won’t get you too far, get ya too far!

I released the pony and pretended to drum on the dash before belting out the lyrics.

Don’t you knoooooooow? Don’t you know? That it’s wrong!

Diamond finally cracked a smile. “This song is stupid!”

“No it’s not it’s a classic,” corrected.

So far gooone. On your own! But you can get along and you try to be strong!

But you’ll never be stroooong!

Cause you’re a rich girl!

She laughed at me as I poorly sang along to the song, occasionally poking at the pony to emphasize a line or two. The song came to a close and she grinned at my antics. “You done now?”

“Well the songs over so...yeah.”

“Good.”

“Unless I play it again!” My hand went for the repeat button but Tiara was too fast this time. Slapping away my hand and hitting the power button on the stereo.

“Fine then, yes I’m done.”

“Aren’t most manservants supposed to do what their mistresses say?”

“Yes they are. But I’m not your manservant and you sure as hell aint my mistress. I work for your father, not you. If you want peace and quiet there’s about an inch of soundproof glass behind my head you can crawl back through where you’re supposed to be. If you wanna ride up front you gotta deal with the baggage.”

“I need caffeine if I’m gonna deal with your ‘baggage’.”

“You’re too young to be tired.” I admonished, reaching over and opening the glovebox. I pulled out a convenience store bag and handed it to the equine. There was a mocha iced coffee drink, a daffodil sandwich, and some chips. I even grabbed a little chocolate snack cake. “Your dad called me and said he’ll be working late. I don;t know if that’s gonna affect the family dinner plans so I grabbed you that.”

Diamond squealed happily. “I knew there was a reason we kept you around!” she bit the cap off the coffee drink and sipped on it happily.

“And here I thought it was my charming personality.”

“Definitely not,” she advised.

“So you gonna tell me who Prince Charming was?”

“Glitz Glamour,” she explained between sips. “I heard a rumor he was going to try and ask me out so I tried to duck and run before he could.”

“Why not let him? Is he a creep?”

She shifted. “No, he’s... fine. He’s just not really my type. He’s a Countess’ grandson. It’s not a crowd I really want to be involved in, but not one I can exactly afford to offend.”

I hummed.

I was vaguely aware from Diamond’s stories there were generally two classes of students at her school. Corporate rich and Nobility rich. And while there was no ‘official’ animosity between the two, there was apparently always some level of status to be concerned with whenever dealing with the other side.

“The school year is almost done. If you spend all that time being concerned with the social hierarchy you’re going to be going into your senior year a lonely spinster.”

She pppfffft’ed at the prospect. “It’s not really a matter of hierarchy as much as it’s just a matter of me not liking him. I’m not about to be thrown into a loveless relationship like my parents.”

“You’re such a romantic,” I laughed. “Although I must say, it sure sounds like you already have somepony else in mind?? Hmmm?”

“No!” She blushed and scowled.

I gasped “Oh you do!” I clasped a dramatic hand over my heart. “Little Tiara has a highschool crush!”

“I do not! Shut up!” she stomped, scrunching up her embarrassed little face.

“What’s his name, Tiara? Should I tell Filthy to buy wedding invitations?”

She folded her crimson ears and harrumphed. Turning away and clicking off her safety belt she crawled back through the window divider all in a tizzy.

“Fine then, keep your secrets,” I grabbed her drink from the cupholder and hooked the bag of snacks with my pinky. I handed them back through the divider where they were snatched out of my hands grumpily.

I closed the window behind me. This wasn’t the first time I had been given the silent treatment by the little pink horse. I was confident it wouldn’t be the last. Although I did somewhat wonder if I had teased her a little too much.

We made the rest of the drive in short order. I opened the door for my little charge and she huffed and turned her nose as she exited to remind me that she was indeed still cross with me.

I grinned and let her be. Once she was securely back inside her home I turned to go wait on her father. His office was in one of the newer buildings in Ponyville. Although the town was still largely a backwater by many accounts. With the youngest Princess’ new school opening here, it had begun to slowly transform into something resembling a city rather than a small village.

I parked the suburban out front and went inside, breathing a sigh of relief once in the crisp cool of the air conditioned foyer.

“Hello John,” one of the receptionists smiled at me.

“Miss Frost,” I returned the smile.

“I’m sure I’ve told you to call me Cherry,” she frowned playfully. “It’s like you want me to feel old.”

I grinned. “Not at all. I just try to keep up polite appearances with my employer's employees."

“Sometimes I think you do it just to hurt my feelings.”

I finally laughed. “Well that’d make you the second mare I’ve upset today.”

“Uh oh,” she smiled sympathetically. “Bad day at school?”

I sighed and shrugged. “It must be tough being a teenager.”

“Weren’t you one once?”

“Oh no I was born like this.” I gestured to myself.

She laughed. “Go on back, he’s in his office.”

I did just that.

Filthy Rich was on the phone when I walked in. He waved me in and gestured toward one of the seats on the other side of his desk. I sat and waited for his phone call to end.

He finally hung up the phone and stretched tiredly.

“Hello, my boy. How was the drive?”

“Smooth, Sir. As usual,”

“Good.” He nodded. “You dropped Diamond off at home already?”

“Yes sir. Are you ready to go as well?”

Filthy cleared his throat and shifted. “Almost, my boy. There is something I need to discuss with you.”

That didn’t sound good.

“Of course, sir.”

“I received a letter today from Selle Prançais Mare’s finishing academy in Prance. Diamond Tiara has been accepted.”

I did my best to look impressed. He clearly expected me to know what that was.

“That’s fantastic. Congratulations, sir.”

“Yes, thank you, my boy. I am very proud. It is a tremendous opportunity for her.” his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Forgive me if I am overstepping my bounds, sir, but isn’t she already nearly finished with high school?”

“Yes, of course. Selle Prançais also has traditional academic courses. She would attend the academy to finish her twelfth year then stay for an additional year for the finishing school before she goes off to college.”

“That’s wonderful, sir.”

I was pretty sure I knew what was coming next.

“Indeed,” he shifted again. “But I am sorry to say… this means we will no longer be in need of your services.”

I tried to smile comfortingly, sir. “I understand. It’s an incredible opportunity for the young miss. I am happy for her.”

“I’d like to keep you contracted until the end of the summer. If that’s agreeable to you. But when the new semester begins in the fall, our business will be concluded.” Filthy leaned forward meaningfully. “Your services have truly been invaluable to both my business and my family. I am not pleased that this has come to pass. I reward good work, my boy. And I have no illusions that this was a difficult job. Diamond Tiara is the star of my heart but she can be a hoofull. But you did your job splendidly despite that. And more than tolerating you Tiara really seems to like you. The three bodyguards she had before you couldn’t claim as much.”

“That means a lot to me sir. Thank you. You’ve always treated me well. It was an honor working for you and I appreciate the opportunity.”

Filthy nodded. “Well, I had you originally contracted until Tiara graduated. And as I said before I reward smart work. You’ll still be paid in full for your four year contract. Consider it a severance package. I’ll also arrange to have letters of recommendation drafted for you to be sent to the Offices of the Interior and Office of Equestrian Affairs. You should find them useful if you’re ever applying for any work on this side or simply want to take a vacation. And if you agree to stay on for the next month and a half I am also offering you an additional bonus of ten thousand US dollars,”

I couldn’t keep my jaw closed. A year’s salary for leaving the job early? Christ I didn’t know what to even say. And a bonus on top for doing something I was already contracted to do??

“Sir, I …” I fumbled. “Sir the offer is beyond generous but with all due respect sir, I can’t help but feel that... to say that would be a gross overcompensation for my services would be an understatement.”

“I don’t think that at all. I consider it an investment. We agreed to a contract and I am altering the terms, it's only fitting that you be compensated. To be perfectly frank I believe you were worth every single bit. You kept my family safe. And that kind of value doesn’t fit on a check.”

This was the nicest firing I had ever received.

“Consider the bonus a bribe. If I am ever in need of your services again. You will be the first I call.”

“...I...Sir… Are you sure about this?”

“Of course I am. Do we have a deal Mr. Bailey?”

I had to laugh slightly. “Yes sir. We have a deal.”

“Excellent! Now take me home, my boy!”

“Yes sir.”

My mind raced on the drive home. I felt a lot of emotions. I was ecstatic about the money. You couldn’t dream up a better deal. But at the same time. I did just kinda lose my job. I wasn’t too proud to admit I’d miss a lot of things. Filthy Rich wasn’t a bad employer. He always treated me fairly, when I asked for something I got it. He had paid my way through a lot of the legal tape to get me here. He may have had his own issues to work through with his family. But as a businessman and employer he was easily the best boss I’d ever had.

I would miss Tiara too. She had grown up a lot over the past three years. And It’d be a bold faced lie to say I wasn’t attached to her. This is why they tell you to never get too close to your charge. You get emotional and make mistakes. She was a good kid really. And despite growing up with silver cutlery she had it rough growing up.

I even grew accustomed to hear stories from high school, re-living my younger days vicariously through the teenager. I like to think she had a friend in me too. I tried not to treat her like an heiress or a mark. She even asked me for advice sometimes. I don’t know what help that was to a teenage girl but who’s to say?

I was excited by the idea of going home. After all, no work meant no Visa. But still I’d miss Equestria, it was quiet and beautiful and had almost no pollution.

I’d probably go home and go straight to Five Guys.

I took a deep breath and swallowed. I wasn’t quite done with the job yet. I needed to try to not let the smell of the barn make me lazy.

I’d have to say goodbye to everyone, Sunbeam and the acquaintances I made in Ponyville, and the kid.

I pulled the Chevy into the drive of Filthy’s house.

I opened the door and he stepped out.

“Oh and, one more thing Johnathan…”

“Yes Sir?”

“Do us a favor and try not to tell Tiara about the school yet. I want it to be a surprise.”

I nodded, “Of course sir.”

He nodded back, and departed into the house.

I looked at the house and caught Tiara’s eyes before she ducked back behind her curtains. I snorted. She probably wasn’t going to take the finishing school news well. She wasn’t thrilled about being sent away from Ponyville to go to school in Canterlot. I can’t imagine how she’d react to being sent across the ocean for two years.

I suppose it wasn’t my business. But my gut was all in knots.

I hoped she’d be able to make new friends there.

I got into the Suburban and drove back to the other side of ponyville where my little rented one bedroom house was.

It was quiet in my little kitchen. I opened my fridge and grabbed a beer. I paused for a second before replacing the can and going instead to my liquor shelf and grabbing a bottle of bourbon. I was off the clock now after all. And I guess I was celebrating. Or maybe I was coping with losing my job. There were lots of emotions. I broke two ice cubes out of the tray and dropped them into a lowball glass.

I took off my tie and fell onto my couch.

Sitting up I poured a finger or two into the glass on my coffee table and leaned back with my drink as I closed my eyes, doing my best to process the day.

I thought about my job and my home and the Chevy.

I thought about money and Agent Jimenez and how the currents of life send us places.

I thought about Filthy and Sunbeam and Tiara.

I took a slow drink and kicked my feet up on my coffee table.

It must be hard being a teenager.

Author's Note:

I decided to make another chapter of this story. I like the universe its in.

For the Eagle eyed viewer you may have noticed Sunbeam from https://www.fimfiction.net/story/414156/sunbeam
I'd like to thank Admiral Biscuit for graciously allowing me to use one of his characters.
I always loved his slant on Human Pony interactions.

I still write when I have time. Sorry for being quiet for a year. I was busy doing stuff.