What if Rainbow Dash didn't become an Element of Harmony? What if someone took her place? What if her destiny changed the day she was born, and somepony else became an Equestrian hero? What if Rainbow Dash was just your average small town Pegasus?
What if Rainbow Dash didn't become an Element of Harmony? What if someone took her place? What if her destiny changed the day she was born, and somepony else became an Equestrian hero? What if Rainbow Dash was just your average small town Pegasus trying to live her life and enjoy the little things?
This is the story of the person who took the place of one of Equestria's greatest heroes, who tried to convince everypony that she wasn't who she said she was, but no one believed her. And when she tried to make things right, someone else took the destiny as the Element of Loyalty. Now, stuck in the body of Rainbow Dash, Zephyr must figure out how to return the real Rainbow Dash to Equestria. All the while dealing with the everyday life of a common pony.
"When life gives you lemons, fuck them in the ass and give them Lemon-Aids!"
—Rainbow (Zephyr) Dash.
"Well, Miss Dash. I think we have finally made a breakthrough!" cheered Doctor Clear Mind. "How do you feel knowing that you'll be able to leave the Hospital and return to society as a mentally healthy mare again?"
I let out a solemn sigh. It's been two years since being admitted to Canterlot's Hospital for the Mentally Ill. In those years, I've spent my time waiting in a padded cell, eating pudding, painting, therapy sessions with my Doctor, and trying to escape the Hospital. The reason I was in the Hospital in the first place had to do with trying to convince Princess Celestia and many others that I wasn't Rainbow Dash...that I was someone else trapped in the mare's body.
In hindsight, shouting and yelling at the top of my lungs in the middle of the market; declaring that I'm a Human male in a Pegasi mare's body wasn't the greatest of plans. Then again, doing that in front of Princess Celestia like a lunatic also didn't help my cause. All it did was get a squad of guards to plow me into the ground and drag me off to the insane asylum to treat a gender problem I didn't have (which eventually led to confronting me about homosexuality issues I also didn't have), as well as treating a bunch of other variants of identity psychosis the Doctors thought I had. It was one giant cluster-fuck of problems that had me disowned by my (Rainbow's), family, got me on the newspaper for being Canterlot's "latest" crazy mare, and fired from Cloudsdale Weather Factory.
In one week, I practica—no—ruined Rainbow Dash's life. All I wanted to do was get out of her body and return it to the pony that it originally belongs too. I didn't want to be a Pegasus, a mare, or the pony responsible for saving all of Equestria from all the bad guys in the world! That destiny belongs to the prismatic, loyal, athletic tomcolt Wonderbolt! Not a computer programming gamer nerd! Even if I wanted to be in Equestria, I would have wanted to at least be in my body regardless of the gender change.
Now, two years later, I still think I can figure out where the real Rainbow Dash is, and I still plan on giving back her body. The few issues currently stopping me at the moment have to be is being trapped in an insane asylum, funding, and magical knowledge I currently lack. I cannot trust anypony at the moment nor do I think anypony would believe me. I really didn't want somepony to tell my Doctor I'm "relapsing," and have me be brought back to the padded white room in a straightjacket.
So in those two years I waited, pretended that the Doctors were "curing" me. Plus, having to admit a few things about who I was made it all the more believable. I'm a guy in a mare's body, that doesn't mean I'm automatically straight. Though, the Doctor Clear Mind reaction to my version of Lesbianism wasn't something I expected. Last I can recall, the mare to stallion ratio was three to one. You would think mares only relationships would be the norm, but not in this Equestria! It was extremely rare, and herds were whats in. Not only that but in a herd, mares don't have sex with each other! Just the stallion! Polygamy doesn't work like that!
All members of an intimate relationship need that group connection so not to show favoritism to one person. That's one of the main reason polygyny doesn't work all that well. If one person gets all the attention, that leads to competition, which leads to fighting, and fighting leads to break-ups. When I explained my reasoning to the Doctor, I swear I saw his entire worldview self-destruct right in front before my eyes. I later found out from a nurse that many herd break-ups were caused by that very reason: Competition caused by favoritism.
Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, the Doctor thought being "mares only" was really strange and because of this fact. He concluded that being unable to find somepony capable of reciprocating my feelings led to me spiraling down a path of loneliness, and self-destruction of my identity. This hypothesis conveniently tied up all my false psychosis in a neat little knot and gave him a means of treatment that should work on all the problems I don't have. Do you know what that treatment entailed? Well, it involved embracing who I am of course! With a side dish of counseling on relationships with Princess Cadence on Wednesdays, deep meditation on Fridays, and having someone "teach" me on how to pick-up mares only interested in other mares. Like myself!
Rainbow Dash is going to kill me.
All in all, boosting my self-esteem, convincing me that how I was born wasn't wrong and other junk I could care less about. At the end of the day, (today in fact), I was getting out of the asylum. And all I had to do was prove to the Doctor that I embraced the reality that both my masculine and feminine side were one and the same.
What I do care about was how badly I ruined Rainbow's (and mine), reputation. Rainbow was a hardworking, team playing, weather pony who was training to become a Wonderbolt. Ponies liked her, they could depend on her and of course, found her a bit arrogant and boisterous. Now, she is a mentally unstable, job-quitting, Human-believing, wackjob; who was fired for causing a scene in the throne room of Canterlot Castle. Who abandoned her friends in Cloudsdale (who also don't want anything to do with her anymore), and was publicly disowned by her family. She has nothing to her name and in turn, mine. I also don't think the Wonderbolts would take her in anymore after the crap I did in the throne room. Screaming, kicking, and punching a few Wonderbolts really looked bad on her resume. Especially, Spitfire. I can clearly remember landing a few right-hooks on the fiery orange mare while screaming, "You can't take me away! I need help! Princess Celestia's help! Only she can fix us! Fix our souls!"
In any case, the life of the mare I have stolen is ruined, and I plan on fixing it! All I need to do is get to Ponyville, become the Element of Loyalty, and with Twilight Sparkles magical connections with Celestia. I can figure out where Rainbow Dash's soul went, and return it back to her body. Not to mention becoming an Equestria hero will kick-start Rainbow's reputation back to the green, which will is something we both desperately need right now.
Coming back to reality, I gave the dark-gray Unicorn Doctor a practiced smile. I wasn't out of the Hospital just yet and if I blow my cover now. I could end up stuck in a padded cell for the rest of my life. "Great, Doc! I feel as though I can take on the whole world!"
Doctor Clear Mind returned my smile with one of his own before raising his clipboard in front of him with his magic. He shifted through a few pages, looking over them all for a second until he reached the last one. Humming in thought, he turned the board towards me and hoofed me a quill with a fresh dabbing of ink. "Here you go Miss Dash. This is your release form," he said as I took the quill with a wing. "Once you've signed this, you are free to go, but remember. I still expect to see you once every six months for our annual follow-ups to monitor your condition, and if you need to see me again before that time. All you need to do is ask."
"Sure thing, Doc," I acknowledged, and with the shaky writing of my name on the paper with my finger like feathers. I hoofed back the clipboard to the Doctor, practically shaking in excitement to finally get out of the Hospital. My twitching wings further exemplified this emotion, earning me a deep chuckle from the Doctor.
"Well, I might as well let you go. Not being able to fly all that much would drive a lot of Pegasi batty. Especially as one as active as you, Rainbow Dash. Make sure to gather your things from your room, and I'll have the nurse show you out." With that, the Doctor stood up from his chair and reached out with a hoof for a shake. Following his example, I quickly shook his hoof, gave him a nod and said, "later!" before turning around to leave his office.
Canterlot's Hospital for the Mentally Ill was a small complex in comparison to Canterlot General. Located just a block away from the General Hospital, the building was only two-stories tall and spanned two city-block lengths. The General and the Mentally Ill was connected by a courtyard separated by a large fence meant to keep the insane ponies from interacting with the rest of the world. Now, what do they do to prevent Pegasi from flying over this fence? By binding our wings in a very uncomfortable jacket.
The inside of the building was what one would expect of an insane asylum: Padded corners, locked doors, guards everywhere, and nurses armed with giant needles; ready to pounce if a patient got violent. The entire interior was painted white with the exception of the few signs directing places of importance like the food hall or the lounge. If you wanted to find a way out of the place you will have a hard time as there were enchantments in place to disorient patients, which I learned about after a few failed attempts at trying to escape. They were quite effective at stopping ponies from running away.
Walking to my room was a quick trek from Doctor Clear Mind's office. It was literally at the end of the hall on the second floor and east wing of the building. There were a few other rooms with my fellow crazy patients, though some of them I stayed far away from, especially Child Stalker. That stallion was so much wrong. I can't even the amount of wrong there was with him. All he does is stalk foals for months on end and just...watches them. I've heard that he sometimes takes trophies from a few of his victims he found interesting. He gives me the creeps.
Strangely enough, there was another patient named Sunlight Blade who I found quite enjoyable to hang out with. And unlike Child Stalker's weird foal fetish, Sunlight Blade was in the Asylum for something far less creepy. She believes that she is the Knight of Sun, Blade of Celestia Solar, the sole Unicorn capable of protecting her highness in all of Equestria! She was found with a religious shrine to Celestia, which she prays to, masturbates to, gives offerings to, and sings to every, single, day, in her house. Now, make no mistake, her skills with both fire magic and swordsmanship are absolutely terrifying. She took on the entire Solar Elite by herself, and it was only with the combined efforts of the Royal Guard, the Wonderbolts, the last Solar Knight, and Celestia herself that finally took her down after a twenty-two-hour battle of attrition in the castle. Twenty. Two. Hours.
Most ponies thought she was a harmless, kind, shy mare that worked in a bookstore, completely incapable of harming a single soul. From what I've also learned, she was too afraid to talk to stallions and always stumbled around them. Other ponies tended to pick on her because of her timid nature as well, and she would always take it without fighting back or making a fuss.
So, when Sunlight Blade pulled out a sword made from dragon scale that was on fire, as well as don possibly the most epic suit of armor, EVER! Ponies got worried. Well, worried would be an understatement. She walked straight into the throne room in her armor and began declaring that she would slay all the moon-lovers, have Celestia's babies, force the religion of Celestia upon all the non-believers, become the new Captain of the Solar Knights, and all the while proclaiming the holy name of Dawnbreaker! Everypony freaked the fuck out.
Now, the gold-coated mare with a fiery blazing-red mane and eyes, spends her time sulking in her room—Painting pictures of various landscapes with rainbows, rain or clear cyan skies. Though, when she is out of her room, we talk, play games, share pudding and gossip about which nurse is fucking the doctors. 'I'm going to miss her.'
Letting out a sigh, I walked into my room. It was one of the larger rooms with a queen-sized bed, a dresser with a vanity mirror, a desk, a door to my personal bathroom (that gets locked at night), and a chest at the base of the bed. I didn't have much in my room aside from all the books I've borrowed from the Library. 'They should be taken back to the Library by a nurse later today,' I hummed in thought. Trotting over to the chest where the few things that I owned were stored (mainly my Journal, Saddle-bags, and I.D's), and placed it all on my bed. Next, I moved towards the dresser to grab the few clothes I owned and tossed them onto the bed as well, but before I went to pack my things. I stopped and gave myself a quick look over in the mirror.
Two years ago, Rainbow was a sleek, slim, athletically muscular mare that rocked a messy tomcolt mullet. I tried to keep up with her routine. I really did, but it was very difficult to do so. Mostly because my flight was restricted, my time in the gym was limited, and my diet heavily regulated, however. This new routine did have its benefits, and it really shows too. Before, my flank was flat, small, and uninteresting. Now it's curvy, has just enough baby fat to round it out, and my new exercise routine gave it a bit of firmness to balance it out. My waist stayed the same, which combined with my new sexy ass, gave me that hot super-model body. And when I say "super-model body" I really mean it. I've compared my own body to some of Equestria's sexiest models with my Doctor and suffice to say. I was fucking sexy!
I changed my mane style over the years as well, turning Rainbows iconic look to something more feminine.'I would have been really turned off by being a girl and all around feminine but after two years of having a vagina. I had to eventually embrace it. Also talking to the Doctors really helped in that department as well.' My mane was long and luscious with bangs that flowed over my right eye, while the rest of my hair cascaded over my shoulders. My tail, of course, matched my fabulous mane. I also gave Rainbow's body eyelashes some work, making them long and smokey.
As for how ponies generally look? Well, not like in the show that's for sure. Our muzzles were more dog-like than an actual horse with stallions having a longer muzzle that was more square, while a mares muzzle was more narrow, almost half the size of a stallions muzzle, and round. Not to mention our faces still had that humanistic cartoony-look. Plus, our coats were really soft and fluffy, if a bit short. Also, our wing size is proportional to our body size. Instead of those tiny, dinky wings seen on the show. Pegasi wings reached the front of our chest, almost completely covered our bodies, and the feathers jutted passed our flanks by a foot. All in all, Pegasi wings were perfect for cuddling with. Yes, I said cuddling. It's amazing. Shut up. 'Fuck you Cadence and your practice cuddle-snuggle sessions. Stupid, fluffy horn-head.' Another thing that was different with the ponies had to be their body shape. In comparison to the ponies in the show, Earth Ponies were the closest to looking like actual horses while Pegasi sported a more feline body-type. Unicorns sat somewhere in the middle. With this knowledge, the ponies in this version of Equestria were WAY more attractive than those flat blobs from the cartoon network.
Happy with how I look, I turned back around and put my clothes (mostly sweaters and a few differently colored collars), and my other stuff into my saddle-bags. Speaking of collars, I grabbed a light-blue one with white trim and quickly put it on. The tag, which was in the shape of my cutie-mark, "jingled" like a bell with each movement I made. Nodding my head in approval, I secured my saddle-bags on my back and proceeded to leave the room without looking back.
"I see that you are all dressed and ready to go," spoke a sweet, motherly voice. Turning to the left from the door of my room, there Nurse Sweetheart stood. The older-looking beige mare with a creamy-hazel mane tied up in a bun was giving me a warm smile with deep, chestnut-colored eyes that held never-ending motherly wisdom.
"Yeah, I just wish what I was carrying wasn't the only things that I own," I smiled back weakly. It wasn't a lie either. My only possessions were what I had on my back. After being disowned by Rainbow Dash's parents, they literally threw everything Rainbow had at her house in the thrash; from posters, clothes, to collectibles, and other memorabilia. They even took her life's savings for themselves! The only thing they couldn't take was Rainbow's bank account. That's a blessing if a small and temporary one. And as for how I knew what Rainbow's parents did to us. Well, you can thank Nurse Sweetheart for providing the information. 'Fucking cunts,' I thought darkly.
"You'll do fine, Rainbow Dash," Nurse Sweetheart smiled back before resting a hoof on my shoulder. "I know that no matter what happens in life. You're the type of mare that will always bounce back no matter the strife."
"Thanks, Nurse Sweetheart. You were always such a...sweetheart."
'NAILED IT!'
The Nurse chuckled as she took her hoof off me and turned around to leave. She said her goodbyes, and I said mine. It wasn't a heartwrenching experience where I wouldn't come back to the needle-filled prison, never to see her again. We both knew I would be back to visit Sunlight Blade. That mare really needs friends. 'Speaking of Sunlight Blade. I should see her before I go.'
'Trotting through the halls, get the fuck out of my way! I'm off to Ponyville, where I'm going to stay!' I sang in my head while on my way to Sunny's room. Her room sat on the second floor of the west wing. 'There I'm going to dance, and fix Rainbow's life, hooray!' The trek was a familiar and fast one. Sunlight Blade's room had to be one of the few places in the Ward that I frequently visited. Comming in at second place would have to be the game room where the mostly-sane patients could play billiards, cards, board games, and shuffleboard. Ya' know? Typically boring Hospital entertainment, but there was little else I could do aside from reading.
I knocked on Sunlight's door before entering. Her room looked just like mine, minus the view of Canterlot that I greedily coveted. The few other differences were the paint stands, the amazing artwork on the wall, and the mare sitting in front of one of the stands—brush in mouth and colors on a table beside her—stood Sunlight Blade. From the doorframe, I had a good look at her epic cutie mark—a sword made of fire with wings for the hilt and a sun-shaped crystal as the pomel—and her flame-like tail.
"Greetings, Lady Rainbow Dash. How are you this fine afternoon?" greeted Sunlight from behind the stand in a smooth tenor tone. 'Still can't figure out how she knows where I am without looking.' Shaking my head, I walked deeper into her room and from standing behind her, I got a good look at what she was painting today.
"You know, I think I'll miss watching you paint. You really know how to make a forest appear magical. Mystical even," I praised. "Oh! Hi Sunny. How are you?"
"Thank you," she gushed with a faint blush appearing on her cheeks. She then turned around, the paintbrush still in her mouth and dripping orange water-based paint. Her eyes a blazing red, staring into my own with a mix of pride and warmth. I couldn't help but smirk when I booped her nose, causing her eyes to cross and her snout to sniffle. She may be really scary and could kick my ass when provoked, but she's also one of the cutest mares I've ever laid my eyes on.
"And I'm doing fine...I've heard you are leaving the Hospital today. Will you be going soon?" she asked with a look of playful annoyance.
"Yeah, I'm actually on my way to the train station. I have a place in Ponyville I can stay in until I can get back on my hooves," I replied. 'But I have no clue if Fluttershy would house me until I can get a job, and get my own place. Please, Celestia's lower horn. Please let Fluttershy not think of me in a bad light. I really don't want to spend my first week out of the Mental Hospital in the homeless shelter.'
"You seem uncertain. Why?" Sunlight wondered, her posture stiffening.
Letting out a sigh, my ears wilting, I responded. "I learned a while ago that I was publicly disowned by my family. As a result, I lost everything except for my bank account and what I'm carrying on me at this moment. Not only that, but I have no idea whether or not my housing is guaranteed since my only saving grace is a friend of mine who lives in Ponyville."
"You have my deepest sympathies, Rainbow," she cringed slightly. "I know what it's like to lose everything...even though I won't be able to return to society for a long while to experience what you are going through right now."
"Well, it could be worse," I chuckled. "I could have severely humiliated the entire Royal Guard and the Solar Knights for over twenty-two hours."
Sunlight frowned, "I still believe none of them are worthy of being Princess Celestia's, or Equestria's protectors. They will only bring our country to ruin."
"And screaming "Dawnbreaker!" was a good idea to prove your belief?" I asked with a raised brown. She rubbed the back of her head, looking away.
"I wasn't thinking clearly."
"Clearly."
"In any case, I hope your new life will treat you well. I know when I look into your eyes, I can't help but see a primordial flame burning brighter than the sun. And so long as that flame burns brightly, you'll succeed at whatever and wherever you go," Sunlight smiled warmly.
I couldn't help but blush at her words. "Thanks, and I'll try to visit whenever I have the time," I said, wrapping my arms around her for a hug. "You're an amazing friend Sunlight, and I'm going to miss you and your art."
Pulling from the embrace, I decided it was time to finally leave the Asylum. With one last goodbye to Sunlight, I left the Hospital and made my way to the train station. My only stop on the way was the bank where, amazingly, I learned I had a fuck-load of Bits saved up in the account. Thankfully, I wasn`t recognized by the general populous for being that one "crazy" mare from a few years ago while walking through the city. I got on the train without being recognized or noticed, making the trip to Ponyville a long and quiet one.
'Ugh, I can't believe it took three hours to go from Canterlot to Ponyville on a train traveling over a hundred-eighty kilometer an hour. That's over...six-hundred kilometers traveled! Huh? This Equestria is actually quite large. I should find a map when I have the time.' This was what went through my mind as the train finally pulled into Ponyville. The train ride itself was quiet and uninteresting, peaceful really. Ponies sat in their booths talking about boring things, conductors and guards walked sluggishly up and down the isles. Foals played, parents gossiped, and a few stallions talked about how pretty I was, but didn't do anything about it. All in all, it was your typical, boring, train ride. Aside from the obvious monotony of sitting on a bench for a few hours, I did some planning for when I arrive in Ponyville.
First thing I needed to accomplish was establishing connections with the Main-Six. Doing so shouldn't take all that long as I did have some background knowledge of all their personalities from the show, however. There was a slight problem with the plan. And that problem had to be the Summer Sun Celebration, which was tomorrow.
Now, knowing I found myself in Twilight Sparkle's situation did have its benefits. From what I've gathered, Ponyville, (Rarity and Fluttershy being the exceptions), doesn't pay attention to Canterlot politics. So them knowing me and what I've done shouldn't hinder me when making friends. Not only that but with my current plight of being homeless should grant me some sympathy from the general populous. My only problems had to be Twilight Sparkle herself, as she had a front-row seat of my/Rainbow Dash's mental breakdown.
The second part of my plan involved the Summer Sun Celebration itself as it should help with my reputation, and give part of Rainbow Dash's destiny back. Saving Princess Luna from Nightmare Moon especially would be a great boon for when it comes time to return Rainbow Dash to her own body. Though, I hope I won't need one of the Princess's to complete that goal. I really don't want to be dragged back to the Mental Ward again if they didn't believe me.
The final part of my plan for Ponyville was getting a job and house. Now, I had no experience fucking around with the weather. Then again, I also only know the basics of flying as well. So working for the Ponville Weather Division is out. I know I can do administration, office work, fast-food, and programming, but I don't know if there is a market in those areas. 'I know programming won't.' As for a house? I hope Fluttershy would have me, and if not? There should be a work-lodge somewhere in town. With my current plan ready to go, I walked off the train, head held high, wings at my side, and eyes filled with determination!
Ten. Minutes. Later.
"Oh, for fuck sakes," I groaned in disbelief, eyes dull, head drooping in defeat. I stood in front of the job board in Town Hall after a quick stop for some food, hoping that with a full stomach, I would have the energy to find some form of employment. What I found couldn't be more life draining than being forced to watch puppies drown in molten chocolate.
There wasn't a single job available. Not even sewer maintenance. Even the work-lodge was booked full until the end of the month. It has been ten minutes, and already I can see my plan failing right before my eyes. The only thing that could make it worse is if—
"Alright, Spike. Let's stop at the mayor office first to ensure our housing for the Summer Sun Celebration. Then once we have our keys, we'll begin preparing the event!"
—Nevermind. 'Oh, Father Murphy. Please, forget the lube. I like it rough.'
Our Lord and Savior, Father Murphy, thus declared that today was: "Fuck Rainbow in the ass Day," and brought forth Twilight Sparkle to enact this new National Holiday. Turning towards the offending pony, I watched Twilight walk into town hall with Spike nipping at her heels and starring at an unfurled scroll held firmly in his claws. They walked down the aisle where Rarity would begin to decorate the Hall for the Summer Sun Celebration later today. She was currently gathering all her supplies over in the town market.
Deciding that I didn't want to deal with Twilight at this very moment. I slowly began moving towards the door, however. It was "Fuck Rainbow in the ass day!" So the grape-colored mare just had to look my way, stop, tilt her head, squint, and start walking towards me.
'Quick! Think! How do I...? Never mind. Too late. She's already in front of me.' Stifling back a whimper for how unlucky I was today, I stood in front of Twilight Sparkle and all her glorious adorable awkwardness. From where I stood, (like a meter away), I noticed a lot of little details that the show couldn't project. For one, Twilight was half a head shorter than me; her stomach was a bit pudgy from lack of exercise, and her horn was longer than what your average Unicorn had. Additionally, her fur looked a little thicker than mine, and she's wearing Fille voyou de fleurs de lavande perfume by Fleur De Lis. Not my favorite, but it smelt nice. 'I would have sighed at the loss of my man-card for knowing how to tell what perfume a mare liked or wore, but I did enough of that during my sessions with Princess Cadence.'
"Hello! My name is Twilight Sparkle, and you must be Rainbow Dash," Twilight greeted with a smile. "You look a lot...different, from the last time I saw you. You know, from the...?'
"Time I had a mental breakdown in the throne room two years ago?" I sighed in response.
"...Yes. That. Sorry," she coughed sheepishly into her arm. "Anyways! I'm glad to see that you are out and about. I couldn't imagine what life must have been like in the Mental Hospital. I mean, not being able to fly, having to eat terrible pudding, never-ending counseling sessions that seem to go on and on and on for hours on end," her tone darkened at the end there for a moment. Telling me she too had to deal with the counselors sometime during her life. Though, when I think about it, I only got to talk to Princess Cadence and Doctor Clear Mind about my problems. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing.
Meanwhile, Spike, who was standing to the left of Twilight, looked like he was trying and failing to hold back a giggling fit for some reason, which either meant Twilight was being weird or there something was on my head or behind me that is amusing to him. I twitched my ears, 'Nothing on my head.' I flicked my tail. A quiet giggle followed. 'Ten Bits says Pinkie Pie is hiding behind me and doing something silly. I haven't seen her at all since I entered Ponyville. It's about time she showed up.'
"Hey, Pinkie Pie. How's it going?" I said without turning around. What followed had to be the strangest thing I've experienced so far in Equestria and let me tell you. Watching the Pink Menence slither to the front of me on her back, under me and in between my legs, while wearing a Celestia mask and a "Make Equestria Great Again," t-shirt kinda' freaked me out. Strangely enough, her shirt also said: "Money, Infrastructure, Logistics, and Fiscal support" underneath M.E.G.A. And all I could do, along with Twilight, was stare as she stood up transformers style, (sound effects included), flopped her ears, wiggled her tail, sniffled her nose, and shook in place.
"Huh, weird. I haven't felt that feely-feel in a looong time! You are going to be a famous pony in a few weeks Rainbow Dash!" Pinkie Pie cheered before hoofing me a letter. "And heeere's your "WELCOME TO PONYVILLE" party invite!"
She turned around and gave Twilight a letter as well. "And one for you Twilight! See you later!"
"Umm, thanks?" Twilight said quite perplexed at the letter.
"You're welcome! Now if you'll excuse me. My planet needs me! Tralala!" And as sudden as she appeared, she disappeared in a cloud of rainbow-colored smoke, where once the cloud dissipated. All that was left was a log with a Naruto headband wrapped around it. I blinked. Twilight blinked.
"What just happened?" Spike blinked.
"Let's never speak of this to anyone," I said shaking my head.
"Agreed," Twilight concurred.
Shaking my head from the weirdest encounter I've ever experienced, I returned my attention to the equally befuddled mare in standing front of me. She too had the same idea, but while I wanted to get away from her for the time being. She had other plans.
"Anywho, before I was interrupted. I was going to ask whether or not you would be interested in accompanying me and my little assistant Spike while we make sure the Summer Sun Celebration preparations are going according to plan. Since, you know..." she paused to look away and rub her fetlock adorably, "...we both are strangers in a strange town and doing so would make us look less out of place?"
'Okay, is it just me or is Twilight coming on to me?' I thought dumbly as I tried to piece together the words she just said. Though, when I think about it, she's been acting differently towards me than what I originally imagined. I figured this because she saw my mental breakdown and I thought she would treat me like a nutcase with absolute disinterest or disdain of my very existence. Instead, she was oddly polite and mentioned my episode casually to get it out of the way for more important topics like my hobbies or something.
Blinking again, I decided, with all the new evidence acquired and stored in my mental database, I would follow Twilight around town for the day. Doing so will allow me to introduce myself to the rest of the Main Six without making myself appear like a stalker. Plus, I wanted to know whether or not Twilight is hitting on me. If she is, then I have to politely decline. 'Don't get me wrong, Twilight. You are a lovely mare, but I prefer sporty girls over the nerdy ones.'
"Sure, I'll come with 'ya. I'll even introduce you to one of my friends! Her name's Fluttershy. But a little word of warning before we meet her. She's really quiet and shy. So try to be a bit sensitive to her. She doesn't like interacting with strangers all that much," I replied with a smile.
Twilight smiled back, "Great! We can go once I've finished here. I'll return in exactly three minutes and twenty-six seconds!"
"Summer Sun Celebration super check-list. And the first thing on the list? Banquet preparations!" Spike proclaimed for the world to hear.
'Ah, this brings me back. Now, if only I haven't read this cliche introduction a hundred times before. I hope something else happens to change the status quo. I don't want to find myself in another terrible fan-fiction.' After Twilight got her keys, we proceeded to Golden Oak's Library to drop off some things before beginning to work on the Summer Sun Celebration.
On the way, Twilight talked about her life in Canterlot, what she studies, and her favorite books. During this little one-sided conversation, I learned a few things about the bookish mare that clearly shows she is far different than the cute, awkward mare from the cartoon. For example; Twilight is a lot more sociable, she is quite accommodating and understanding of both my and Spikes needs; she likes a wide assortment of books, even romance novels, and I learned she's been receiving dating advice from Cadence. Dating advice from Cadence. Dating. Advice. She outright told me she was on the market and looking for a sale. A mare sale, if I'm reading her horrible pick-up lines, stuttering, and prodding for things we had in common correctly.
Now we are walking together towards none other than Sweet Apple Acres. We ran out of things to talk about and judging from the looks Twilight has been giving me that past few minutes. She's been struggling to find something to get me to notice her. Don't get me wrong, I did notice her, but not in the way she wants me too. I don't have the time right now for relationships, and when I give the real Rainbow Dash her body back. I don't want her stuck with someone that she may or may not like. That is if she is a lesbian. Then I might have some explaining to do, however. If someone I do generally like were to hit on me, then I might give them a chance. Having someone to confide in is always nice to have. Plus, I always wanted to know what its like to have sex as a girl. My hoof sucks when it comes to jerking off, and there are no adult toy stores anywhere in Equestria for me to buy masturbators. Or condoms, and I'm not about to stuff a cucumber covered in olive oil into my cooch. That's just nasty.
Letting out a yawn, we finally came to the entrance of Sweet Apple Acres and from where I stood underneath the main gate. I could see rows upon rows of trees filled with ripe, red apples for miles—An entire forest made from various breeds of apple sat on the edge of Ponyville and bordering the Everfree Forest. Within the depths of the fruity forest, ponies could be seen apple-bucking the trees for their bounty. It was relieving to see those extra ponies helping out Applejack and her family. Three ponies working by themselves just is not enough to harvest the amount of stock grown in the orchard. Speaking of ponies, Applejack came walking towards us after bucking one of the trees. I couldn't help but smile. She looked exactly how I imagined her: Muscular, tall, with pure golden hair, cute freckles, and those thick but firm flanks! I bet she could crush a pumpkin between those cheeks.
Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle could only sigh at the sight of Applejack walking towards us. An interesting detail if I say so myself. Makes me wonder what makes me so different in comparison to everyone else we talked to along the way. I stood back a bit and let the scene play out before me so I can enjoy the sense of nostalgia.
"Let's get this over with...Good afternoon. My name is Twilight Sparkle—" And just like that, Applejack grips Twilights hoof firmly and begins the most epic hoof-shake that only an Apple could do.
"Well, howdy-doo, Miss Twilight, a pleasure makin' your acquaintance. I'm Applejack. We here at Sweet Apple Acres sure do like making new friends!" She turns to me with a bright smile. All I could do was "squeak" when she grabbed my hoof and proceeded to give me the same treatment. "And howdy' to you too Miss pretty, bright, and colorful! Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres as well!"
"Friends? We aren't—" Twilight tried to say, but was interrupted again.
"So, what can I do you two for?" And just like in the scene from the cartoon, (aside from the slight deviation caused by my presence), Spike snickered at the interruption. 'I wish I could do the same, but my hoof feels like it's been run through a roller.'
"Well, I am in fact here to supervise preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration," Twilight said after clearing her throat to gain Applejacks attention from me. "And you're in charge of the food?"
'Is that jealousy I see?' I couldn't help but wonder.
"We sure as sugar are! Would you care to sample some? Unless you and your marefriend are too busy, I won't keep y'all from whatever you two were doing," she winked knowingly. I couldn't help but wiggle my eyebrows at Twilight, earning a cute blush from the mare.
"N-No! She isn't my marefriend! We are just two mares who share interests in various things while walking through a strange town together. We aren't dating or anything. That would be weird! I mean, two mares who like each other? That's weird! Right? Weird...hehe."
"Well shucks. I didn't mean to imply. Just teasing is all," Applejack chuckled. I rolled my eyes and decided to save Twilight from further embarrassment.
"I had lunch earlier, but I could go for a pick-me-up. How 'bout it, Twi?"
"S-Sure!" And with that, Applejack called upon the family with the magical triangle of food and in an instant. We were both seated at a large table where the legendary introduction of the Apple family quickly ensued.
"Now, why don't I introduce y'all to the Apple family? It's only polite," Applejack said.
"Thanks, but we really need to hurry—"
"This here's Apple Fritter. Apple Bumpkin. Red Gala. Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Caramel Apple, Apple Strudel, Apple Tart, Baked Apples, Apple Brioche, Apple Cinnamon Crisp—" she paused for a moment to catch her breath, "—Big McIntosh, Apple Bloom, and Granny Smith!" I had to stifle a chuckle while Applejack began introducing everyone to Twilight and me. It especially became quite difficult when she placed a dish with their corresponding name to the table before being shoved into Twilights mouth. It was far more comedic to watch in person than through a television screen.
After that, lunch was quite nice. I got to talk to Applejack and got to know her better. I even got to learn some of the things I've been dying to know about the mare since she was first revealed in the pilot episode. Mainly about her parents. They're gone; died to a pack of Timber Wolves that tried to eat Applebloom when she went exploring the Everfree Forest a few years ago. Another thing I wanted to know about Applejack had to be about her farm and if she had enough ponies to help run it. She said that she had enough workers for the harvest every year and that she wasn't looking for anyone else at the moment. Followed by a regretful "sorry." It's like she knew I was looking for work when I asked her that question. Then again, I was looking for work and Applejack was one of my back-ups. It fucking sucks I can't use her as a fall-back, which means Fluttershy is my last option, and if her end doesn't work out either? I'm going to have to leave town until an opportunity shows up where I can move here. 'It's like Fate doesn't want me to live in Ponyville. That fucking sucks.'
"Well, at least I'm not hungry anymore," I commented absentmindedly. Twilight could say the same thing with how much her stomach is bulging from the amount of food she's eaten. Her face, however, looked like she was ready to puke her guts out. I kinda' felt sorry for her to be honest. Keyword: Kinda,' since I have no clue what it feels like to be stuffed like a turkey during Christmas. I always ate as much as I could stomach. My sympathy only extends so far.
"Please, don't talk about food...hurk...I think it doesn't like me all that much," Twilight groaned. "Let's just get the weather done and dealt with. I want to lie down for a bit. So, who is in charge of the weather again?"
"Hmm, there's supposed to be a Pegasus pony named Lightning Dust clearing the clouds," Spike replied while looking at the same scroll from the Town Hall.
'Wait, wut?' I stopped, my mind doing a double-take. 'Hold on a second! Lightning Dust? She's the weather manager here. Since when!?'
"Well, she's not doing a very good job, is she?" Twilight frowned as she looked at the few clouds still in the sky. And just like in the show, but instead of Rainbow Dash doing a few tricks in the air before crashing into Twilight, it was the aquamarine mare with a two-tone, electric-yellow mane named: Lightning Dust.
It was at that moment, watching Lightning Dust stand up from the mess she made, cleaning Twilight with a small tornado, clearing the clouds in ten, seconds, flat, that my plan fell apart. I realized from that moment on, Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty, wasn't going to be an Element, and that Lightning Dust was the one meant to replace her. If I didn't act, and act fast, then not only will Rainbow lose her primary destiny but then I wouldn't be able to use the Elements of Harmony to find her soul.
I had to do something to ensure Rainbow's destiny before the return of Nightmare Moon. The question is: What can I do?
My mind was running a mile a second, trying to figure out where everything went wrong. How I was going to salvage the situation I found myself in, and how to ensure that Lightning Dust doesn't get snubbed from the outcome. I liked the mare. She has potential in the Wonderbolts if she gets the chance, but with everything going to shit in regards to The Elements of Harmony. I might make an enemy of her when I get the chance to steal the show against Nightmare Moon. 'Alright, Zephyr Marcus Crowsword. You have until tonight to figure something out. Maybe visiting Rarity could give you some ideas on how to fix this mess?'
"Yes, the décor is coming along nicely. This ought'a be quick. I'll be at the library in no time. Beautiful indeed."
I cringed at myself slightly at the thought of Rarity. Knowing her, she would take one look at me, and either faint or turn me into her personal dress-up doll. My reasoning is two-fold. One: Judging by the looks I've been getting since entering the town, I know I'm quite attractive, and two; my mane. My bitchin' rainbow-colored mane. Now, where are we?
"Not the décor, her!"
Oh, we are already here. Must have spaced out for a bit. Fuck. We must have arrived at town hall just as Rarity was finishing up the decorations, and the mare in question was going through the same script as in the show, however. I could already tell that my presence was going to throw a massive wrench on how she treats Twilight and Spike. Ten Bits says she completely ignores Twilights messy mane and jumps at me like a rabid dog.
"No, no, no, oh! Goodness no," Rarity shook her head while sorting through various types of ribbons. Meanwhile, Twilight, Spike, and I walk up to the fretting mare. I couldn't help but shudder at the sight of ribbons. Not that I hate them or anything! But after being traumatized by Cadence about what certain colored ribbons mean when a mare wears them. I want to stay as far away from them as possible. Example; Applejacks red ribbon. It means she's a bucker and will buck you with all her strength if you swing in from behind and startle her. Another one is a blue ribbon, which means the mare isn't interested in anyone. And a yellow ribbon? A mare with one of those is looking for marriage. I would talk about pink ribbons, but you don't want to touch anyone wearing one of those. The odds of you sticking your appendage in a mare and finding another stallions baby-milk is quite high.
"Good afternoon—" Twilight began, but like her greeting to Applejack, she was quickly interrupted.
"Just a moment, please! I'm 'in the zone', as it were," Rarity said with a wave of her hoof, earning a deadpan glare from bookhorse. "Oh, yes! Sparkle always does the trick, does it not? Why, Rarity, you are a talent. Now, um, how can I help you—?" She gasped the second she saw Twilight. "Oh, my stars, darling! Whatever happened to your coiffure?! And who is that!?" she gasped again, her eyes going wide in shock at the sight of my hideous body. Then, without warning, she dropped everything, walked up to me with her jaw firmly planted in the ground.
"Um, hi?" I greeted hesitantly as Rarity invaded my personal space. "Is there something on my face?"
"Who is this, Goddess!?" Rarity exclaimed while walking around me. Her eyes never leaving my form, and making me feel like a piece of meat about to be devoured. "Such a long and vibrant mane! Is it naturally rainbow-colored? And...And just look at your body! Those hips, those curves! I-I-I-I must have you!"
SAVE ME!
"Ahem!" Twilight coughed, causing Rarity to briefly look away from me to acknowledge the very annoyed mare. I let out a sigh of relief. "As much as my friend likes attention—" 'Hey! No, I don't! And thank you.' "—We need to make sure the Summer Sun Celebration is on track. So, are you in charge of decorations?"
Rarity blinked for a second, letting what Twilight said to register in her mind. She looked a little miffed that she wasn't able to hog me from the bookhorse and turn me into her latest fashion victim, but once she realized that Twilight was the manager for the Summer Celebration, something clicked in her mind. "Why of course, darling! But first, let's take care of your hair." And just like that, we were back on the script of the show with Twilight being dragged to the Carousel Boutique. I chose to wait outside and far away from Rarity as possible.
I want to say that our interaction with Rarity was a long one with heartfelt warmth and understanding, however. That would be a lie. There wasn't anything heartwarming about it, especially when Rarity noticed that I wasn't inside her store, but in fact, hiding down the street at the local coffee shop. Like seriously! She rammed through her own door, searching frantically like a bloodhound for me! With possibly the most fucking frilly, lacy, dress that she could find! Now, I'm fine with wearing dresses so long as they don't weigh over five-million pounds and didn't cook you alive, but holy mother of fucking cunting god! That dress would have murdered me!
When Rarity couldn't find me, she went back inside to free Twilight from whatever torment she was forced to endure. On the bright side! She was nice and clean. On the not-so-bright side. She wasn't too happy with me ditching her. At least she understood why I ran away. 'Even though she's been giving me the stink-eye while we finished up with the Summer Sun Celebration. Speaking of the Celebration...our last stop on the list was Music. Specifically: Fluttershy.
Thinking about Fluttershy brought a bit of anxiety to the forefront of my mind. She was my last resort for everything that I had planned for Ponyville. Without her help, I will have to dig into Rainbow's bank account and leave town. I could buy a cloud mansion with how much cash Rainbow has, but I can't with good conscience, spend her money. The most I'll take is one month worth of rent and food if I need to. But after that? I need a job. She saved up so much money from her job at the weather factory in Cloudsdale just to buy a home in Ponyville; a home that Lightning Dust now owns, I thought with a sigh.
Shaking my head, I held my head high, but my eyes were waning in its determination. I continued to follow Twilight until we heard the sound of birds singing in an eloquent choir. Well, it was beautiful until one of the birds began singing out of sync. Now or never, Zephyr.
Clearing my throat, we turned around a corner and made our way towards the park near the center of town. The park itself was rather small and uninteresting. There were a pond, a few trails and a couple of benches, and trees. Lots and lots of trees. Sitting next to one of the trees was the last mare we were looking for...aside from Pinkie Pie. She'll show up at the Library when the times right. As for Fluttershy herself? Well, there is one word I can think of when I look at her and its: DAAAAAAAMN!
Her coat was the purest shade of sunny-yellow I've ever seen. Her mane was like gazing upon a cherry blossom tree resting in the center of a meadow of roses. And her curves! The only thing I could compare them to would have to be my own, and that's saying something.
Twilight had the same expression I had when she gazed upon the timid mare. But she wasn't as quick as I was on recovering from the shock. Walking up to Fluttershy on the other hoof cause her mind to go completely blank as well, which made introductions a bit awkward.
"Hey, Fluttershy!" I began with a smile. "How's it going? I haven't seen you in a while." Fluttershy's mouth struggled to form words as her cheeks turned pink, and her eyes went wide in shock. I fluttered my wings slightly, trying to figure out what to do in this situation.
I knew Fluttershy was, well, shy. That when it comes to meeting new ponies, she tends to turn into an adorable wallflower. I bet meeting Rainbow Dash, (or, well, me in her body), after two years must have been a little jarring. Especially with all the work I've done to her body. And going from a thin jock to a luscious nerd might throw her off a bit. 'Not to mention I know nothing of Rainbow's real past. I have to play it safe when talking to Fluttershy or else I might look suspicious.' Thankfully, Twilight came out of her stupor first and began introducing herself to the quiet, timid mare.
"Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle, and you must be Fluttershy," Twilight said with a strained smile. "It's a pleasure to meet you!" I don't know why I thought things would play out the same way. Frankly, that fact died long ago when I became Rainbow Dash, but when Fluttershy finally answered Twilight. The word "concerned,' came to mind.
"Oh, um, hello Twilight. Are you Rainbow's marefriend? It's been a while since I've seen her," Fluttershy said timidly. "Not that I'm judging you two or anything! I'm perfectly fine and accepting of your life decisions."
"Smooth, Flutters," I rolled my eyes, causing the aforementioned Pegasus to blush slightly. "Also, we aren't dating. We've just met today, and we decided to hang out while we explore the town."
"W-What she said!" Twilight exclaimed with tinted cheeks. "Also, we can see that you have music for the Celebration-Sun-Summer thing all under control! S-See you later!"
"Twilight, are you alri-ack!?" I gasped before being dragged away by the purple-smart somewhere else, but before I went completely out of hearing range. I shouted, "I'll catch up with you later Fluttershy! You look good too by the way!"
I would never have thought Twilight would drag me away from a mare against my will in my life nor from Fluttershy of all ponies. Though, after seeing how she looks like outside of a television screen, I can now understand why Photo Finish would want her as a model. Fluttershy had to be one of the cutest mares I've laid my eyes on. It's a shame I couldn't ask her for a place to stay, but I know I'll have another chance at the party.
Speaking of parties, I've noticed Pinkie Pie walking around town while carrying a bunch of stuff. Knowing her, she was preparing Twilight's "Welcome to Ponyville" party at the library. Though, I wondered if Twilight noticed Pinkie Pie as well. After all, the pink mare was trying her hardest to hide from us, but she was failing miserably. Do you know how obvious a moving bush with a pink tail poking out of it is? Yet no one seems to care about it at all! Then again, this is Ponyville, so weird things tend to get ignored all the time here. Anyway! After Twilight dragged me against my will, we found ourselves at our final destination that Twilight insisted we head to. Want to know where we ended up? Well, Sugar Cube Corner of course!
Now, the reason we went to Sugar Cube Corner was mostly to get a cup of coffee and talk about things. What things Twilight wanted to talk about you might ask? Well, according to the list of things Spike was carrying, 'have a platonic conversation with Lady Rainbow Scarlet Dash.' Yes, that is my full name, and I can understand why the original swapped out Scarlet with Danger. It's really girly. And learn what we had in common, share our hobbies, as well as find out whether or not we could be close friends.
It's a date. Twilight, somehow, dragged me into a date. Not that I care all that much, but why me? I mean, Twilight and I have never met before! I'm trying to figure out where Twilight began her infatuation with me to make sense of the situation. The only thing that made any lick of sense for Twilight's attraction towards me had to come from an outside source, but that would mean...fuck. It has to be Cadence! She's the only one I've talked to aside from my doctor and Sunlight Blade. She must have taken all the things I talked to her about and repeated them to Twilight. Hence explaining why she has a crush on me.
Fuck you, Cadence! Fuck! You!
So, now I have to figure out how to tell Twilight that I'm not interested. Even as I stare at my third coffee of the day, I couldn't figure out how. I mean, she is a sweet girl; a bit too bookish for my tastes, it wouldn't hurt for her to get out more often, but is she my type? No, not really. I prefer girls who have a playful, affectionate side. Shy, (potentially super kinky), nerds weren't all that interesting to me.
So, there I sat in a side booth of Sugar Cube Corner with Twilight Sparkle giving me timid looks with a slight tint to her cheeks, and Spike is nowhere in sight. I couldn't help but let out a sigh. I didn't want to do what I was about to do, but it's better to let her go now before bad things could happen. Hopefully.
"Hey, Twilight?" I began preparing for the worst. I have to word it right. "I've been wondering about something, and I want you to be honest with me for a moment."
"Of course Rainbow," she said with hope in her eyes. "What do you need?"
"Why are you attracted to be me?" I can see the bluntness almost physically caused Twilight to flinch at the question. "I mean, not that I'm special or anything; or judging you by your preference for mares, but I have to know. Why me?"
"Well, I-I...um—" began to stutter out with cheeks turning an adorable shade of pink, but before she could give me her response. A fat, annoying, pony shoved her entire body into our table. 'I swear I have the worst luck.'
"Hey girls! Whatcha' talking about?!" Pinkie Pie, the bane of my current existence, interrupted.
"Nothing!" Twilight blurted. "We were talking absolutely nothing that would imply any form of romantic or intimate social interaction between us! Nothing at all!"
I could only sigh in annoyance.
"Okie Dokie!" she smiled before disappearing without a trace, and when I looked down at the table to see if my coffee remained intact. I saw two letters that weren't there before in the middle of the table.
I automatically knew the letters were invitations to Pinkie Pie's "Welcome to Ponyville Party" and that Twilight and I were expected to attend. Knowing the show, I knew this fate was inevitable. Pinkie Pie throws a party for everyone that comes to Ponyville no matter what, and that fact is one of the many reasons I despised the hyperactive pink pony.
Parties are supposed to be special. They are a celebration of a particular individual or event that brought great pride and joy to a community. Parties are meant to show how much you are loved, cared for, admired, and welcomed to a specific person, group, or thing, but what Pinkie Pie does completely ignores that sacredness altogether!
