Here we go yet again...
After finally confessing her undying love for Apple Bloom in the most dramatic way possible by means of an almighty smooch in front of her unsurprisingly gobsmacked parents, it was safe to say things were looking up for young Diamond Tiara. Those prolonged sleepless nights wondering how her family would react to her big secret were now long gone, and she could at last move on with her life, free of the heavy load which'd weighed her down for as often as she could recall...
Except, this wasn't really the case anymore. For now, she was going to have to do it all over again.
Two years had passed since the fateful day when Filthy and the now sadly missed Randolph had given her their blessings, and poor old Spoiled was sedated and hospitalised for the 'frightful' shock of discovering her lone daughter liked to play hoofsy with mares instead of stallions.
The time since then had flashed by, with dozens of kisses, dates and other naughty stuff far too embarrassing to dwell on marking the whirlwind progress of Diamond and her farm friend's steady relationship ever since. Now that her formative stages of education in Miss Cheerilee's class were well and truly over, it was time to start thinking about the future...
...Which was precisely why Diamond found herself numbly scratching the back of her neck at the gates of Rich Mansion after her last day of school, that old familiar feeling of trepidation coursing through her veins. Apple Bloom had been unable to accompany her on this particular outing, something about 'a massive apple conference' in Appaloosa that her big sister wanted to attend with her that evening.
Sounds absolutely fascinating, Diamond remembered thinking upon being told about the event, abruptly turning down her marefriend's generous invitation to sit next to her for the entire seven hour spectacular. Apple Bloom honey, you know I love you, but wild horses couldn't drag me to that thing.
If she was being totally honest though, despite her previous experience of delivering big news in a testing environment, hearing some old windbag blather on about the many different uses of Russets and Pink Ladies was starting to seem far preferable to what she was about to do. After all, Father was still unaccountably married (some would say manacled) to you-know-who, and she doubted her delicate ears could tolerate another screamfest from the often ludicrously reactive mare she somewhat reluctantly called 'mother'.
Oh well, might as well get this over and done with, Diamond sighed internally, wishing that she'd possessed the foresight beforehoof to take a nip of Apple Bloom's alcoholic cider to give her courage for what lay ahead. Yes, it was supposed to be illegal for an equine of her tender years to drink, but what her parents didn't know wouldn't kill them. Or indeed, be the catalyst for her being grounded for the entire summer vacation. Which in some ways, would be even worse.
As lost in her own thoughts as she was, it wasn't until Diamond crossed the threshold of the mansion that she noticed something was a bit different about her oversized home.
It wasn't the new butler Jeeves, who emotionlessly opened the front door for her as soon as she approached it. He worked hard for sure, but in terms of personality he couldn't hold a candle to his much-missed predecessor.
Plus, he couldn't even do a belly flop, let alone the huge array of acrobatic skills Randolph had displayed. In fact, with his stiff upper lip and overall robotic gait, he was quite the most boring pony Diamond had ever met. She got the impression that if you got talking to him at a party, you'd never get away... mainly because you'd lapse into such a deep tedium-inspired coma, you'd still be slumbering long after the rest of the guests had gone.
The fact the other servants seemed rushed off their hooves wasn't exactly a cause for concern, either. Diamond's arrival happened to coincide with Spoiled's daily soak in the tub, and many a constant rotation of staff had the dubious privilege of being assigned an essential role as the fusspot mare wallowed in bubbly luxury.
Mane rinser... Mane dryer... back scrubber... chocolate replenisher... each member of the crack unit had their own important post to fill, for there was no 'I' in team. But a team is only as strong as it's weakest link, and dropping the sponge into the water or failing to make sure there was a plentiful supply of the soft-centred candies Spoiled loved so much could be a death sentence for the entire regiment. Literally, not figuratively.
This explained why the screening for those involved in this essential task was even more fastidious than for Celestia's own personal bodyguard. The bar was high, but so would the unemployment rate be if any of them messed up. Brave mares and stallions one and all, who were deservedly given a grateful salute by their indebted colleagues upon entering the demonic lair of lather that was the bathroom while Spoiled reclined inside. Talk about selfless sacrifice.
No, what really tipped Diamond off that things were about to take a turn for the surreal was her mother's appearance the moment she took a few steps inside. For such a normal part of the day, the older pony was seemingly dressed to the nines... decked out in the best silken frock Father had ever bought her (or rather, been held hostage to purchase) complete with a pair of metallic hoop earrings and caked in even more make-up on her face than the clowns that came to town with the circus last week.
Diamond hadn't been allowed to go, of course... far too 'obscene' for a 'young lady of her standing' to attend such an 'orgy of classless vulgarity'. 'What would the papers say, anyway'?! (These opinions weren't exactly her own, in case you hadn't figured it out).
But the most implausible thing of all about Spoiled's unexpected presence wasn't what she looked like, as grating as it was. No, it was the fact she was actually smiling... not smirking, grinning evilly or curling her lips nastily when you just knew she was plotting something truly awful... it was a genuine smile aimed directly at her shocked daughter.
The sight of her mother looking so happy with apparently no airs or graces whatsoever almost reduced Diamond to a stammering stupor, which enabled Spoiled to get the first word in edgeways. "Hello, sweetheart!" the older pony cooed lovingly, patting the top of her dumbstruck daughter's mane while showing off all of her pearly whites. "I have a very special surprise for you today! Come to the sitting room and I'll show you what it is."
"I-I thought... y-you'd be in the b-bath at this time... l-like you always a-are..." Struggling to comprehend this sudden attitude change in her mother, Diamond also found herself cursing her bad luck at her failed plan to talk to Filthy alone while Spoiled was luxuriating elsewhere. She'd really wanted to get Father by himself for her big announcement, and perhaps he could've relayed the message to Mother later when she'd finishing submerging herself in perfumed gunk. Instead, the reverse seemed to be true: with Mother being on the scene quickly and no sign of Father anywhere. Great, story of my life, Diamond thought somewhat depressingly.
"I-I had one earlier on you silly filly, it's not like I've organised a regularly scheduled dip at the same period each day for years and years. I'm not that vain, darling!" Spoiled laughed nervously while her eyes continually darted to the nearby lounge, as if there were somepony in there she didn't want to hear this conversation.
"For starters, I haven't been a 'filly' for years!" Diamond frowned, wondering if her mother's anti-ageing meds were starting to have negative side effects on her long-term memory. "Also, yes you are! You've been immersing yourself in various chemicals at the same time every single day ever since I was born, and probably before then too! And that's not even getting into all your pointless spa treatments you bring home with you! Why, I remember when you chased me halfway across Ponyville in just a towel when I interrupted your colonic irrigatio-mmmm..."
"Yes, yes darling. That's a very amusing story! If it's one thing we Rich's are well known for, it's our hilarious sense of humour!" Spoiled let out a gallows laugh as Diamond found herself unceremoniously silenced by a firm hoof on her lips. "Come now, let us make for the sitting room. Don't let us keep our special visitors waiting any longer!"
With one hoof fully wrapped around her muzzle, Diamond was almost dragged to the lounge area, fidgeting strenuously all the way. She fought tirelessly against her mother's grip, but it was all to no avail. When Spoiled really wanted something, she got it... objections from her nearest and dearest were mere inconveniences which could be ignored.
In the meantime though, Diamond had enough to worry about herself. Namely, the sight of a pretentious-seeming yellow mare and grey stallion sitting side by side on a plush leather sofa lightly sipping coffee. They were accompanied by a pugnacious teenage pony in the middle around her age who had a grey coat, yellow mane and a cutie mark consisting of a pointy cap emblazoned with a giant 'D'. Their son, Diamond quickly surmised. Great detective work, if true. Maybe she should open her own agency.
"Presenting Lady Upper Crust, her husband Lord Jet Set and their beloved son, Percival." Jeeves's foghorn of a voice blared Diamond out of her private musings, as she suddenly found herself released from the clutches of her mother only to be dumped next to the slimy, smarmy Percival, who looked like he couldn't wait to 'say hello'. In the most excessive of ways. Gross.
"I'm sorry there wasn't enough time to prepare my little Diamond for your visit today, as it was at such short notice..." Spoiled cast a rueful eye at her daughter, who was already regarding the heavily breathing Percival with the most anxious of stares. "But she's here now, and that's the main thing. So, what do you think? Does she make the grade?"
"Hmm, not bad I suppose." Jet Set commented first, his eyes scanning Diamond up and down as though she were a piece of meat. "As you say, she does seem a bit rough around the edges right now, but with a bit of work, she could be quite the serviceable mate for our little slugger."
"Yes, I dare say we've seen a lot worse." Upper Crust continued on the same train of thought, while daintily nibbling on a fairy cake from a nearby tray. "We've seen a lot better too admittedly, but no other applicants quite have your family's income, I suppose. I'd predict, the way things stand now, she stands a very good chance of being our chosen one."
"Fantastic!" Spoiled suddenly couldn't control herself, and gave Diamond a lingering kiss on her forehead, something she hadn't done since the big society pages photoshoot years ago at her birth. "I told you she was of good stock! I won't say it's been easy raising her, and indeed there have been quite a few hiccups on the way, especially considering the unsavoury types around these parts. I really think however, that this arrangement could work out for all parties concerned, and restore some honour to our respectively tarnished family names! Now, shall we retire to the kitchen for a little while and allow our 'lovebirds' get acquainted with each other?"
Still wondering just what on Equestria was going on and hoping against hope this might be some kind of horrible fever dream, Diamond's pleading look at her mother was completely disregarded as she and the other two grown-ups hurriedly made their exit. Diamond's own despairing gaze was met with an equally determined one from Spoiled which basically read as 'you better not mess this up for me', and before she knew it Diamond was all alone with a young stallion who made Snips and Snails look like serious candidates for Mr Ponyverse.
"E-Erm..." Diamond started speaking, unsure how to communicate with this spotty, slobbering creature in front of her, or even if it was capable of such a thing. She decided to try and be polite, anyway. "So... Percival, was it? What kind of stuff do you like?"
As if to answer her question, Percival immediately went in with all hooves flailing, and Diamond found herself being grabbed pretty much everywhere while drooled upon by this obvious future sex offender. Never let it be said that Diamond can't tolerate a great deal, but as the colt's limbs began to encroach on certain delicate parts of her anatomy, that's when things really kicked off. In more ways than one.
As soon as one of Diamond's hind legs roughly connected with Percival's family jewels, that's when the articulate teenager finally uttered his first words. "OOOOWWWW!! MMUUMMYYYY!! SHE HURT ME IN MY SPECIAL AREA!!" was what he yelped, rolling off Diamond with a lengthy cry and a sob, at long last giving her the personal space she so desperately craved.
She didn't have too much time to relax though, for almost as soon as the blubbering mess next to her began backing away and suckling his hoof, she felt herself being wrenched up and face to face with her irate mother, who was seemingly back to her obnoxious best. Oh, how she'd been missed Spoiled's true self. Not.
"Diamond!! Just what do you think you're playing at?! How dare you assault our young guest like this! And just look at the state of this room!!" Spoiled gestured at the shambles all around them, for in the midst of his screaming fit Percival had knocked over the entire tray of cakes and dropped a full coffee pot onto the floor, making quite a large stain on the expensive carpeting which would be almost impossible to remove.
"Hey, don't go blaming me!" An equally furious Diamond lashed back at both her mother and the shocked faces of Upper Crust and Jet Set in the background. "You're the one who set up this 'playdate' with Per-vert-cival over there! If you ask me, I've done the world a favour by possibly depriving future generations of his ability to breed! What exactly is going on here, anyway?! I came down here today to talk about me and Apple Bloom, not be an unwilling accessory in another one of your stupid schemes for personal advancement!"
"Well, I never!!" Jet Set lifted his muzzle high in the air, as if beginning to regard Spoiled and Diamond as beneath contempt. "She might look the part, but such unruly behaviour towards our prince is completely unforgivable! Such a female could never be our daughter in law, no matter how many healthy foals she could sire!"
"Indeed!" Upper Crust agreed, taking Percival in hoof and beginning to rock him like a foal. "Not only that, but you lied to us, Mrs Rich! You told us that her unseemly infatuation with mares was 'just a phase', and upon meeting our darling she'd soon return to her 'old self'. Sorry Spoiled, it doesn't matter how much you pay us now, the deal is off. Come on sweetheart, let's get you an ice bucket for your owie. Momma loves you very much, oh yes she does..."
As Percival snivelled pathetically in Upper Crust's grasp, she and Jet Set speedily left Rich Mansion through the front door, completely ignoring the plaintive cries of Spoiled along the way as Jeeves allowed them outside.
When they'd hopped in their horse drawn carriage and were far away in the distance, Spoiled's thoughts quickly turned to a more murderous disposition, and she ran back to the sitting room to confront Diamond head on.
"You..." she snarled angrily at her equally apoplectic daughter, but before the two could come to blows there was Jeeves interrupting them again, as unruffled as ever by the surrounding chaos and ready to make a prepared statement.
"Presenting Mr Filthy Rich!"
As soon as the butler bowed and took his leave, Diamond's father arrived on the scene, and before either his wife or daughter could say another word he spoke himself, and his words were clear and distinct.
"What have you done this time, Spoiled?!" The tycoon growled, wondering what his reprehensible wife had been cooking up in his absence. "First of all, you tell me you received news that the board at Barnyard Bargains have called an emergency meeting today, but when I get down there I find that's completely untrue. Then, upon my return, I see those shameless snobs who are always hanging around us at every party we go to leaving the mansion with their crazy son, and hear my daughter in distress from halfway across town! You better have a good explanation for lying and conniving behind my back yet again, or I swear this time I really will..."
Noticing her mother's jaw open and shut repeatedly like a fish out of water was a satisfying sight indeed for Diamond, but rather than unashamedly gloat she decided to take advantage of this break in proceedings to fully inform Filthy of her plans for after the summer holidays, before anything else weird and slightly illegal could occur.
"Hi, Dad. I've decided to attend college in Manehattan when the long break is over. I'll be sharing a flat with Apple Bloom that we'll pay the rent for together, but obviously we'll be taking different courses. I'll be cramming up on business, whereas she'll be more into that agriculture stuff. Silver Spoon and the rest of the gang will be nearby too, so it's not like we'll be all alone in the big city! I'll miss you for sure, but it's what I want to do with my life for the next few years. I'll get to spend lots of time with the pony I love, and later I'll be able to return to you far better equipped to deal with my future role than I am now. That's it. I hope you approve."
Filthy blinked a few times as if thoroughly going over this arrangement in his head, before giving the teenage mare he was so proud of the widest of grins. "Diamond, I think that sounds like a great opportunity for you, and I'll miss you something awful too, but it's your life after all. You don't need my 'approval' to do any of that, it's been enough for me to see you grow into the strong, independent mare you are today. Which is more than I say for some ponies... where do you think you're going, Mrs Rich? Or should I say, the soon-to-be-former?"
Close, but no cigar. Spoiled had almost managed to take advantage of this poignant chat between father and daughter to make herself scarce, but had been blocked at the exit by none other than a winking Jeeves, who was apparently useful for something after all. Maybe I should give him another chance, Diamond pondered upon witnessing this, perhaps I'll visit Randolph's grave later to ask him myself.
"I-I was just... t-taking a stroll... g-getting some fresh air... s-stretching my legs..." Spoiled muttered rather uselessly, her entire body trembling as if she realised that whatever excuses she might say now, the jig was well and truly up.
"Were you now?!" Filthy frowned, quite unable to take any more of his wife's blatant lies. "Well, I might be able to help you out there. Maybe you can 'stretch' your legs to find a motel in which you can spend the night, and maybe you can 'stretch' your legs again when you pick up the rest of your things tomorrow morning, if what I suspect has been going on around here while I've been away is true. It's been a good run darling, at least from your point of view... but this may very well be the final straw. For now though, come and sit down with me and your daughter while we get to the bottom of this situation. We have much to discuss, and I'm sure Diamond would like to have her say too."
I most certainly would... Diamond grinned, ready to tell all. It was now Spoiled's turn to give a pleading look to her only child, as if somehow Diamond would be willing to help her mother out of this particular hole and things could carry on as they were.
Well, never let it be said that Diamond hadn't learned at least something from her mother. She'd show Spoiled the same amount of merciful clemency that the older mare had when she and her father had been set up so flagrantly that day...
Absolutely none.