Seven scrolls make their way to Discord's home — seven responses to his mass mail. Now is the time to discover the identity of his secret admirer... and find out what the other six senders want.
Discord's plan worked like a charm — he has already gotten seven scrolls in response to his mass mail flood. Surely among them is the author who send him the original love letter... along with a few complaints regarding the latest chaos he's caused.
Finding out which is which is going to be so much fun!
Sitting comfortably on his couch, Discord gazed at the six scrolls on the table. Ten more minutes, he thought. Ten more minutes and the fun begins! Or maybe eleven? Almost a day had passed since the draconequus had flooded Ponyville with letters. The experience had been, for the most part, amusing. There was still the inevitable Celestia grumbling to be expected — the doll-raining cloud that Discord had sent might have caused a bit more chaos than he had hoped for... especially with ponies fighting over Luna plushies as a result.
"Oh, what the heck!" Discord reached for the scrolls. Patience wasn't his strong suit. Besides, everyone who wanted to send him a response, had already...
A new scroll popped into existence, falling gently onto the pile. That made them seven.
"Alright, then," he cracked his fingers. Now everyone who had wanted to give a response, had done so. The only thing remained was to choose where to start from. The first scroll had arrived minutes after he had sent his letter, the last — moments ago.
"How about you?" The draconequus grabbed one at random and started reading
Dear Discord,
Have you lost your mind?! It's bad enough I have to deal with your pranks on a weekly basis, but this takes the cake! You have some nerve implying what you did! Seems you have yet to learn the lessons of privacy, discretion, and above all common sense! There could be foals reading this, you know. Not to mention the things you wrote about Princess Celestia were disturbing, to say the least!
Honestly, what has gotten into you? You haven't been so disruptive since the last Grand Galloping Gala. If there's something that's bothering you, just let me know and I'll come talk. I am the Princess of Friendship, after all. Also, sorry for the way I behaved at the Gala. It was just that I wanted everything to be perfect, and you in the middle of having a rage fit because of Tree Hugger. I really didn't mean the things I said to you back then.
Well, maybe a little.
It's definitely a relief you haven't been making any advances on Fluttershy. That girl is too nice for her own good and, I say this responsibly, hardly a good match for you. Don't get me wrong, I see you being great friends, but any romantic relation might be a bit too much for her. Also, I think it would be a waste
You are so right, though. Things are quite complicated in my "love" life. My duties as Princess don't leave me much time to maintain a steady relationship. In fact, you are the only one I've been seeing on a regular basis. Come to think of it, your chaos disruptions have become quite regular. I think it's really sweet of you to establish a routine just for me.
Back on topic, maybe I am fooling myself with this whole Flash thing. I mean, when I first went through the mirror, I did feel something. For a moment I was the happiest maregirl mare alive. Sadly, it only lasted a few months. And the Flash Sentry here, while nice and all, is not that Flash Sentry. Long distance parallel world relationships are really complicated! Especially with all the disapproval surrounding the whole affair. We still write each other, and he still has a thing for me, but the more I think about it, the more it seems ending our relationship might be for the best.
So you have two daughters? I must admit, I never imagined you being the daughtery type. (Taking a page from your book, I am sure the joke was bad, but you laughed all the same.) Of course, I'll be delighted to meet them, and also give any lessons they wish. You might want to specify what sort of lessons, so that I do proper research on the matter.
Do you think they will like me? I know it's stupid, but I tend to get nervous about that sort of thing. I definitely don't want to replace their mother, especially if she is who you claim she is. Now I understand why she asked us to free you. I am so glad you are back on speaking terms, although part of me is tiny bit jealous. All I can say is that I'll try my best to make you happy — you and your girls.
Out of curiosity, how did you find out? With our constant quarrels, and your apparent lack of interest, I thought there was nothing further on your mind than me. After the Galla incident, I honestly feared that might be the last time we would see each other. I can't tell you how happy I was when I got your letter, although I'm still mad the way you delivered it. Seems that some organized chaos might be what I need in my life... although, I'm also worried about Flash. There's no telling how he will take it. Part of me hopes he goes back to Sunset, or even start a thing with my other self back in his world. We did have a good thing going for awhile, it just didn't happen to work out. Life is strange like that sometimes, it seems. I'm getting too philosophical, aren't I?
Enough sad thoughts! This is supposed to be a happy scroll. ('Happy scroll', get it?) And don't worry about my friends. It might come as a shock to them at first, but I'm sure they will understand. Just please give them some time to warm up to the idea, and no more disorganized chaos! And please, don't send the clouds! Setting the town on fire is hardly a good start to a relationship! My head hurts just thinking how much time I'll have to spend sorting such a mess!
See you soon!
Your loving Twilight
"Oopsie." Discord smiled sheepishly. Maybe he should have read that the moment it had arrived. Twilight was going to be furious with him for going ahead with the clouds. On the bright side, at least he hadn't lit the candles. Now that would have been a disaster.
Skimming through the scroll again, Discord then snapped his fingers. It disappeared from his paw, only to reappear on the wall in a frame, right next to his first love letter. It wasn't as chaosy by a long shot, but it had confirmed two things — Twilight did have a thing for him, and she was not the author of the original love letter...
Six scrolls to go. Hardly much, but then again Discord had told himself he would allow himself only one scroll before bed. To read more might lead to nightmares and indigestion, possibly both, and he was in no mood to have to explain himself to Luna.
"Oh, maybe just one more." He looked at the ceiling guiltily, then, succumbing to his guilty pleasure grabbed another scroll from the pile. This one was slightly different — it had a slight scent of Begonias...
Dear Discord,
I'm never writing to you again! Or talking! Or looking! And if I were writing, it would only be to tell you how absolutely, terribly uncouth you were! Why, I caught Sweetie Belle almost reading that disgusting drivel you sent all over town! Even Spike has read it! He didn't say a thing, but the way he avoided my glance could mean only one thing — he suspects there is something going on between us.
How could you! After all the times I had to tolerate your tasteless pranks, your despicable table manners, your shameless hunking about! Your very existence is a crime against fashion! Celestia help me, if I had the power, I would lock you in some dreary beige dungeon and keep you there until I fully reform you into something at least marginally presentable! I honestly don't know how Fluttershy puts up with you, I really don't! "Brown suits me", my hoof! You wouldn't know fashion if it stood up and bit you in the
And don't get me started how you and your "friend" ruined so many of my outfits at the Gala! Not only that, but you publicly disrobed me in front of everypony! Well, I hope you enjoyed the view, for it is unlikely that a similar opportunity will ever arise! And you have the audacity to refer to it in your letter, the letter you sent to everypony!
So, as I mentioned, it is a good thing I'm not writing to you!
You have daughters! Oh, my goodness, I simply must meet them. Hopefully, they have taken after their mothers, which would make them the most adorably fashionably beautiful things. I am shocked and hurt you haven't introduced them to me yet. Do you possibly think I can't handle a pair of sweet girls? I would have you know I practically raised Opalescence and Sweetie Belle. Compared to them, chaos magic seems like a welcome oasis of calm and stability.
There is one thing you have correctly surmised, though — my love life is going nowhere. It is hardly a secret that Spike has a crush on me, and I do find it very sweet, but we simply aren't meant for one another. It will break his little heart when he finds about you and I. I know I have to be gentle about it, but the more I delay, the worse it is likely to get. I could tell he had been crying before I went to him. The poor dear. I so wish there was some other way. I hope he finds somepony who will love him back with as much passion, I sincerely do.
These things make you wonder about life. How will I break the news? How will I tell my friends? To be honest, I'm not sure how well they will take to such news. With the exception of Fluttershy, I am not even sure the others have fully accepted you yet, not to the degree we are talking about. And there's the issue with the Princesses. How would they react? I don't know what you assume we have, but I am not ruining my relationship with them merely for your sake. I strongly suggest you find the courage and explain the matter to them directly. Meanwhile, I could start giving your daughters fashion lessons. As careers go, it's definitely not the easiest, but by far the most refined. I am glad that at least someone in your family has taste.
Incidentally, I'll have you know that I don't play with dolls, nor do I hide them. Those are miniature mannequins that I use to gain inspiration and imagine the appropriate clothing on a smaller scale before starting to work on a larger scale. As an artiste, I thought you would understand. Furthermore, my roleplaying with them is purely for professional purposes! In order to create the perfect outfit, one has to put oneself in the other's hooves and see the world from their point of view. And the only reason I put them away is not to get damaged, and don't you dare suggest otherwise!
Tell me, honestly, though, when did you first notice? Was it when I wore my one-of-a-kind, custom made, purple chaotic dress at the dinner party you hosted at Fluttershy's? I know it caught your eye, and, as bad as it may be saying this, I did feel the tinsiest bit jealous of her. The two of us have known each other for quite some time, yet her saying that she was your friend was quite the shock. Thank the stars it turned out she meant ‘friend’ and not ‘friend friend’. I could hardly live with myself if I had crushed her heart by winning you over.
Well, it was nice writing to you, but I need to start preparing for the move to "your place". I do hope it's large and comfortable enough. And there will be no chaos allowed as long as I'm there! Well, maybe a bit... for artistic purposes, but that's it!
See you shortly,
Love,
Rarity
P.S. I couldn't possibly get the things you asked for, but do you think you could be a dear and make your magic cloud drop a Luna doll near the Boutique? Sweetie Belle has been wanting one for a while, so I think it would be sweet of you to give her that. Please?
"Luna doll?" Discord arched a brow. "You want me to give you a doll?! Why, if I hadn't sent the cloud already, I'd—" he abruptly stopped, noticing something fall to the ground the moment he unrolled the last part of the scroll. It was nothing more than a few strands of mane-hair... purple mane-hair.
"Oh, my," the draconequus carefully picked them up, then with the snap of his fingers placed them in a frame on the wall... right above the frame of the second scroll. Apparently, Rarity had a thing for him too, and yet she still wasn't the author of the original letter.
"Screwball, dear!" Discord shouted. "What do you think about a career in fashion?"
"Two down, five to go," Discord grinned, juggling the scrolls as he did. The ones so far were just too amusing! There was passion, chaos, betrayal — everything that went in a good movie. And above all, there was love… so much love stored within, that Discord could easily use them for changeling fishing. With such bait, he was likely to catch at least a crate-full, possibly a Queen.
"I really shouldn't be doing this," he said halfheartedly. "Then again, one more can't hurt. Three’s the charm, after all."
Four of the scrolls vanished, leaving one on the air. Discord grabbed it greedily, then unrolled it with one swift action. To his amazement a small brown pouch fell out to the floor. This, he did not expect. Cautiously, the draconequus took the pouch and peeled it open. Inside were a small sparkling emerald, part of a purple ribbon, a white fluffy bunny tail, a hoof bracelet of solid gold, and a the page of a book.
"Daring Do and the quest for the sapphire stone?" Discord blinked. Tears formed on the top of his eyes. "I never thought anypony would care so much to send me all this..."
Still sniffling, he looked at the scroll... And on cringed in horror. This was the worst hoof writing he had ever seen!
Dear Discord,
This is awesome! Oh my gosh! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have no idea how much this means to me! Oh! My! Gosh! Ever since your lame cool reign of chaos, last year, I've been trying everything to grab your attention. Boy, you really are slowdumb difficult to have your attention grabbed! Or maybe you were just testing me? That's cool. I can totally understand it — you want nothing but the best, and let me tell you, I am the best! By the stars, you'll never find anypony more loyal and dependable and fast and cool and the other thing (you know — the thing thing).
Also, I don't snore! but if you think it's a plus I so much do! Rainbow 'Snoring' Dash they call me, but only if you find it cool.
So, you and Luna, eh? Didn't see that coming. I guess that's why she never shows up at the Galas. Always did wonder about that. Am totally cool with you and Celestia getting back and all, and don't you deny it — I could see you exchange glances miles away. Just, you know, give Fluttershy a chance, okay? I know she's all shy and really tries to hide it, but she really is into you. You should have seen her after the last Gala! She actually flew to my place, FLEW, just to cry her eyes out. She went on and on and on about how it was a mistake to invite Tree Hugger, and how she was afraid you weren't going to speak to her ever again.
Anyway, I've brought you everything you asked for (please don't tell Fluttershy, she thinks I trimmed Angel's tail by accident), plus a bracelet for Screwball. Please see that she gets it, ok? And let me know what she thinks. But don't tell her it's from me.Actually, tell her it's from me and tell me what she says! Just, you know, do something! Between you and me, I really fell hard for her, like really really hard! I blame thank you for that. If it weren't for your silly games hiding the elements of Harmony and all, I would never have bumped into her. She's so cool, like really, and she could be so fast when she wants to. It's clear she takes her great looks from Princess Celestia.
And don't worry about the lessons. I've already been giving Screwball plenty. Quite the quick learner you have. That's why it's so cool that you gave me your blessing! Screwball has been telling me about chaos, and that it’s expected that you ask for a gift before agreeing to the marriage. Bet you thought I couldn't get all those things, eh? Still, don't expect me to start calling you "dad". That would be mega uncool.
Also, no chaos creatures at the wedding! Well, other than you, Deliria and Screwball. I saw, what that Smooze did at the Gala, and am not having the same happen at my wedding! Besides, this will be a cloud wedding, so anything that doesn't fly will fall through anyway. Also, we have already discussed things with Screwball, and she has agreed to go ahead with a traditional pegasus wedding, which means she'll be wearing wings during the ceremony (at least).
And I'll have you know our love life will work out just fine! Like, we've been seeing each other for months and things are great! So don't you start scaring her with words of doom and gloom!
Anyway, must rush. I have to catch Twilight to organize the wedding, and Rarity to take care of the clothes. I'll also be inviting the Princesses, so don't you start anything! If you humiliate Screws on her wedding day, I'll turn you to stone, then smash you into a thousand little pieces!
Cya!
RD
P.S. Screwball will move in with me after the wedding. My place is huge, and has the best view in Equestria. Not sure I should be telling you this, but my folks are quite rich. Besides, I'll provide for everything Screws might need. It's a sure thing that I'll become an active Wonderbolt in an year, tops. Also, if I manage to convince her, Screws might, as well.
For several minutes, Discord just stood there, incapable of movement. What had he just read? This made no sense! It was impossible, unbelievable, infuriating! The scrolls were supposed to be fun, and the first two had been... more or less. This last one, however, filled him with undying rage.
"Screwball!" the draconequus bellowed as loud as he could muster, causing his entire home to treble. "Is there anything you wish to tell me?!"
My little girl... Element of Loyalty... My little girl… Element of Loyalty...
Discord continued staring into nothing, his mind on loop. How could this happen? He had only left his eyes off Screwball for one hour between being cast in stone! Why this horrifying result?! She was too young to date — she was barely 2020, the majority of that spent in stone! Besides, of all the possibly creatures in Equestria, why did she have to–
"Hi, Dad." Screwball floated through the room. Passing by the table, she casually glanced at the bracelet and picked it up. "Nice! Dash finally got the guts to talk to you," she said, putting it on her left forehoof. It fit perfectly.
That's it! I'm going to give her a piece of my mind! No daughter of mine is dating an Element of Harmony!
"How goes the wooing of the Element of Kindness?" Screwball asked, just as the draconequus opened his mouth.
"Wha... huh?" He barely managed to say, totally unprepared for the question.
"That's nice," the chaos pony said absentmindedly, still mesmerized by the bracelet. "I like Fluttershy. She'll make a cool stepmom. Anyway, I must be off." She floated towards the window. "I'll be cloud-swimming, so don't wait up. And please don't read any more scrolls before going to sleep. You know you'll have a hangover in the morning."
And with that she was gone. Discord remained motionless for a few more moments, staring in disbelief at the open window, then, furiously, grabbed another scroll.
"No one tells me what to do!" He grumbled under his breath and started reading.
Dear Discord,
Not cool, bro. I had everything set up – gems, roses, candlelight dinner, romantic music even, and you start confusing me again. Just when things were starting to look up. You knew, didn't you? I had a shot at this, but nooo, you had to mess things up. Just because I thought you were cool that one time doesn't mean anything. You are part dragon! I really don't think of you as a thing special other than that.
Curse you, Discord! I thought I had moved past this, that it was a stupid phase, but you really, like really, messed me up. What am I supposed to tell Twilight now? What am I going to tell Rarity? I still love her, bro. She's like the only mare I have had a crush on. Like, she's so perfect, that I forget about her being a mare and all. Now that you've told my secret to the world, fat chance of her looking at me the same way again.
Your jokes really stink! How long do you think before everypony in Ponyville figures it out?! Like seriously! I could hear them now. They will start asking, how come I didn't have a crush on anyone while I was in Canterlot, surrounded by mares. It's not that I can help it. It just is. I like cooking, cleaning and all that, because I'm faminanefimin girly. And because of your letters the secret's out! Gee, thanks Discord! Now every time I buy a doughnut, or trade hoofball cards with Big Mac, or even talk to a stallion, ponies will be whispering things!
Heck, I wasn't even supposed to be at the Gala! I only sneaked there for a second, and you had to see me! Oh, and Celestia is really over you. I heard her talk to Luna once, while I was at the palace. Princess Luna was going on about you not deserving to be set free for another thousand years. Did you notice that she is rarely where you are at? I wondered why. Guess now I know.
Oh, and I don't have a crush on you! Nope, no and no! You are so not my type! Besides you are all old and stuff! To be honest, there is somepony I might fancy almost as much as Rarity, but I'm not talking about that now!
Listen, is there a way for you to, like, snap your fingers and have everypony forget all this happened? I know Twilight might have such a spell, but if I ask her she'll be like "why do you need it?" If I answer, she'll think I have a crush on you, and if I don't, she'll still think I have a crush on you. Besides, she's pretty useless right now — just an hour ago, I saw her sighing secretly over a picture of you, it almost creeped me out. I'm not the one telling her you aren't into mares, though. No way! I have enough problems I must deal with.
I really can't believe the lengths you have gone through to hide your true nature. And I thought I had problems. Bro, it's ok. We live in modern times now! You didn't have to have two kids, or keep the secret for thousands of years, just so others don't think badly of you. My problem is that I'm still figuring things out. Maybe I'll like mares when I grow up, maybe I won't. You are ageless! If you can't come to terms with who you are, then you have some serious issues to work out. (Look, I know this sea serpent you might really like. Met him at a wedding, and I think you two could pull it off great. Just let me know if you're interested, and I'll introduce you to him.)
Also, stop with the brown, already! I paint myself brown on a dare and you go making assumptions. It was a one time thing. I hate brown! Not like wood and such, but the general brown.
Or maybe you can send another flood of letters saying it was all a joke or such? April's fool is just a day away, so you can say you started a day early?
Say a big "hi" to Screwball for me. Haven't seen her much since the library exploded. She's fun, though (and no, I don't have a crush on her either!). And have the stomach to tell her the truth about yourself, at least!
—Spike - Twilight's Number 1 Assistant
Slowly, Discord rolled up the scroll.
"Apparently," he set it on fire with one of his claws, "I am into stallions now..."
The three scrolls squirmed on the table as Discord approached menacingly, holding a giant fork.
"You better not disappoint me," he warned. The last two had left a foul taste in his mouth. The way the draconequus saw it, these had better fix that, or—
"Hmm, Dad," a depressed voice said. Instantly, a second head appeared on Discord, facing the source of the voice.
"Deliria, sweetie." He forced the largest smile he was capable of. "You look well."
The creature only growled in response. Like Screwball, she was a chaos pony. Unlike her sister, however, she was neither cheerful nor chaotic. Dark blue coat with a mane of glimmering green, she was the embodiment of the Aurora Borealis, and just as moody as her mother.
"Want to have fun with your old dad?" the draconequus offered, reverting to his normal form. Any other day he would grumble at her for being so orderly, but the thought of losing both his daughters on the same day, even if it was April's Fools, was a bit too much.
"Whatever." Deliria sighed in response then slowly made her way to her room. As usual, she walked instead of floating. Five hundred years and she still hadn't gotten through her rebellious phase. If it weren't for the nightmares she brought to ponies, Discord would seriously doubt she was his own daughter.
"Come on!" He teleported her to the couch next to him. "It’ll be fun!"
"Dad, I don't like f—" she began with the most depressed expression possible.
"Here, pick one!" Discord shoved a scroll into her hooves. The chaos pony just looked at it, not budging. "Err, you're supposed to open it, sweetheart," the draconequus suggested patiently.
Left with no alternative, Deliria slowly unrolled the scroll. The moment she did, an explosion of confetti and streamers emerged from within, covering her and Discord.
"That's it!" Deliria growled, throwing the scroll on the floor. "I'm going to my room!" She vanished in a flash of light.
"Well..." Cautiously, Discord took the scroll, brushing the confetti off. "At least she teleported this time." He started reading.
Discord,
Noooooooo! Why oh why oh why?! Married? Divorced twice?? With children?! Oh, sad saddenings, why are all the good ones taken!? Cheese hasn't written in months, King Grover is a statue, the Smooze is engaged, and now I learn you were married to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna? My dreams are so totally crushed! All this time I was so convinced you were a virgin. The way you grumble, the way you joke, your fake bravado, oh and how shy you are in front of Fluttershy. It's soooooo cute. You have no idea how difficult it’s been to keep myself from jumping right up and hugging you!
Of course I know you noticed me, silly. I thought you were just playing hard to get. You know — I make some chaos, you pretend to ignore it, I make some more chaos, you look the other way. And to think I was afraid I might scare you off. Jokes on me, right? Talking about jokes, I really liked the ones at the Gala! They were super duper mega funny. You really shouldn't feel bad, Maud has way more practice. Take it from me, being made a statue has a bad effect on any performance skills. I remember when I accidentally mistook a huge bowl of dough for my bed. Took me hours to chew myself out once I woke up. And after that my jokes were bad for minutes! (You're picturing it in your mind, aren't you? Naughty Discord, you.)
Also, why didn't you tell me Screwball and Deliria were your daughters? I hang out with them all the time! Well, Screwball hangs with Dash mostly. Oh, and I got an invitation to their wedding! You don't have to worry about a thing! The party is going to be my best one yet! I might even talk with Princess Luna into letting us have a dream party. Deliria would simply love that! Did I tell you we hang out a lot when I dream? She's really funny!
I didn't know Screwball wanted party lessons! *gasp* That would be sooo cool! With her and Rainbow Dash, we'll make the greatest prank ever! Just one thing, though, why do Deliria and Princess Luna act so weirdly each time they meet? Always "Hey" and "Hey", then they sit down and look in different directions before one of them leaves. What's with that?
Thank you for the clouds! I really liked the first one! I would never have thought of mixing roses with candles. Absolutely delicious! I'm so making a cake of that for Screwball and Dash's wedding! Don't tell them, though! It'll be a surprise!
Are you sure you aren't a virgin? Maybe Screwball and Deliria were actually adopted, but never told you about it? (Better ask them just in case. It might turn out you are their adopted father.) Because if you are a virgin, I'm totally inviting you on a date! (Don't tell anyone, but I have Sugarcube Corner to myself once a week, so we can have it all to ourselves!) Also, no need to be shy — I'll take good care of you. Nothing but the best for my little Disky. Oh, and I've already promised Screwball to bring you back home before midnight. Maybe in a few months we might stay out for longer, but for now I don't want to rush you. You'll tell me when you’re ready.
Brown?! You’re giving me a chocolate cloud? That's so sweet of you! I really love those. You know what I was thinking? Maybe I can help you improve the recipe. Chocolate clouds are good and all, but after a while they become so standard. You should spice things up a bit every now and again! Maybe add a few chilli peppers, or a lemon. Mustard! That would be great! Chocolate cloud mustard!
Anyway, must rush now. Spike is looking miserable and I simply have to cheer him up!
See you!
Pinkie Pie
P.S. Gummy is a little protective of me, so if we start dating, he might act a bit rashly or something. Don't worry, though. I won't let him hurt you. Just don't make any sudden moves when he's around and never ever ever remain alone with him.
Discord's wings fell off his body. What did he just read?! This was way weirder than the first letter! There was so much chaos in Pinkie's words that he felt he was looking into a mirror. But what, by Tartarus, gave her the impression he was a virgin? He had mastered the art of seduction to the fullest!
"Wars have been fought because of me!" he said loudly, paw in the air. "Wars have been fought for me and against me!" Or had they really? Maybe he was just deluding himself?
"Deliria, sweetie," he shouted. "Did you adopt me?"
The headache was becoming unbearable. Discord grabbed the chaos emerald from the table, cut a glass in half and swallowed it along with the gem.
"I knew I should have left this for the morning," he grumbled.
Out of the seven scrolls, two had been good, three — bad, and two remained undetermined. Surprisingly, so far he still hadn't found the original author. Surely she had sent a reply. Or was it a he? Somehow Discord strongly suspected it was a she, although he could no longer in clear conscience guarantee that. Or maybe he was completely wrong and it was a prank after all?
"Well, you know what?" He glared at the two remaining scrolls. "I'll get to the bottom of this!" The draconequus was on the verge of unrolling it, when he suddenly stopped. "Oh, no, you don't." He smiled confidently, then grabbed the other scroll. "It's always the last scroll that has the answer, isn't it?"
Dear Discord,
You ain't fooling anypony! If you think for one apple-bucking minute that I believe all that, you have another thing coming! Why, you have two fully grown daughters living without their mothers and are still thinking of having more? There's no healing a tree without roots, just as there is no growing up with just one parent! Now, I ain't saying I know what you did when you were married to Princess Celestia, but I reckon it must've been out right bad for you two to split up! And then taking advantage of her sister? That ain't respectable at all!
If Fluttershy hadn't asked us to give you a chance, you can bet your beehive that you'd be still in that there statue! And don't be thinking that Princess Celestia has forgotten what you did to her! I bet she just wants her daughter to grow up knowing both parents, not that you are one!
And don't you think I won't be checking the hospital for new foals appearing "accidentally"-like! For one like you who has no respect for family, I would expect to go wooing every tail he sees! This here thing with the letters just proves it! Instead of mending faces and getting your daughters back to their mothers, you send love letters to every pony in town inviting them to a date?
Now, Rainbow Dash says you are a cool draconequus, all considering, but she's been spending too much time with Screwball to know any better. Them lovebirds sure have a thing for each other. Fluttershy and Twilight also been saying you've changed and all, but I still ain't buying it! You're good at sweet-talking ponies, but do you think you have it where it takes? I suspect not. So, if you still insist on dating my Granny Smith you'll have to prove to me you'll treat her proper like and provide for her and the family! And I mean some good honest work, not that fancy chaos you keep messing around with! Them chaos tricks might be fun and all in Canterlot, but here at Sweet Apple Acres, we rely on muscles!
Now, Apple Bloom might think it's romantic and all, but I've discussed it with Big Mac and we two all agree that if you are to marry Granny, you better have one of them fancy business degrees. Since you look quite weak and all, we'll be relying on you to have mighty good haggling skills. And don't you think of cheating! An Apple's word is set in stone and the likes of you will not ruin our good name!
Also, as newest member of the family you'll be getting up all early and helping with feeding the animals and cleaning the farm. Now, them animals are sensitive to magic, so no chaos tricks! And same goes for them trees too! If I see one blue apple, you'll be hearing from me, and it don't matter how sweet you are to Granny! Get that going for a few years and maybe I'll let you sell apples to customers with Apple Bloom. That'll give you enough time to get one of them business degrees if you ain't got none.
Now, since you'll be moving to the farm, we'll need to build a new home for you and your girls. Rainbow Dash has been talking about asking Screwball to live with her, but that pegasus often makes promises her wings can't keep. So we'll be needing a house large enough to hold four ponies and yourself, and you'll be helping build it! I'll be there, and am sure Twilight and the rest of our friends will too, but we Apples don't like folks that abuse others' kindness, so if you think you could hide somewhere until work is complete, you have another thing coming! And be sure you discuss the marriage with them Princesses! You might have been divorced a thousand years ago, but there still be a lot of splaining to do! I won't have Granny and your ex-wives not get along for something you've done. I won't be having any awkward stares during family reunions either!
Finally, why in tarnation did you have to send them crazy clouds through the orchard? Getting that candle-wax off them apples was hard work! And them dolls — what were they for? Sure, grandma says she used to play with dolls, but that was when she was a filly! At least Apple Bloom and her friends were happy, but don't you use that to worm your way into our good books!
AJ
P.S. I still be thinking Granny is too good for the likes of you, but if that is what will make her happy, I ain't getting in the way. I will be watching you, though!
Looking cautiously left and right, Discord rolled the scroll back up, then hid it under the couch. This, he definitely didn't see coming. He didn't even remember Granny Smith going to the Gala! And now he was roped into a wedding for which he had to build his own house, apologize to Celestia and Luna again, and get a business degree in apple-selling! Could this day get any worse?
"Dad, I told Mom you are drunk on scrolls again." Deliria said from the corridor. "She said she'll come in a bit to have a word with you. I'll be on the moon until you two finish." The chaos pony then left the house, slamming the door behind her.
"I just had to ask." Discord grumbled. His headache was back in full strength.
When the door to Discord's house swung open with a bang, the draconequus knew what would follow. There was only one creature in existence that destroyed first and felt guilty about it later.
"Hello, Luna," he said with a deep sigh. The two had successfully avoided each other as much as possible since his return, and with very good reason.
"WHAT IS THIS I HEAR?!" The Princess of the Night stormed in.
"Oopsie?" Discord mustered his most innocent look. Discussing his love correspondence with Luna wasn't the best of ideas... especially since an email correspondence was the reason she ended up marrying him. "Look, I'm sure there is a good explanation for every—"
"HOW DARE YOU DEPRESS OUR DAUGHTER?!" Luna shouted to his face. "THE POOR CHILD IS SUFFERING AS IT IS! SHE HAD TO GO BACK TO THE MOON JUST TO GET AWAY FROM YOU!"
"Wait, what?" Discord blinked. A second later he frowned. Another second and he crossed his arms. "Deliria? She's gone back to the moon, has she? Well, it's hardly my fault she took your lousy personality — always sighing and brooding about things. Maybe it had to do with, I don't know, taking her to the moon for a thousand years?!"
"SHE WAS CAST IN STONE!" Luna stoned her hood on the ground. "WHICH ONLY HAPPENED BECAUSE YOU HAD TO HAVE A TANTRUM ABOUT YOUR STUPID DOLL COLLECTION!"
"Action figures!" Discord hissed. "And it's not like the ponies minded. You know, what?" He closed his eyes massaging the bridge of his nose. "Just forget it! You said your part. I'll go to the moon in a bit and talk to her. Okay?"
"This is precisely the reason we don't talk anymore!" Luna snorted, yet in a more civil voice. "It was a mistake thinking anything would change! Talk to her! And if I find out she is still miserable, I'll be back!" The Princess stomped on the floor again, causing several paintings to fall off the walls and onto the ceiling.
"Fiiine." Discord grumbled.
"Say hello to Screwball for me," Luna said, walking towards the exit. "And congratulate her on her choice of wife. Rainbow Dash is a most excellent partner. Also, do try to be civil at the wedding."
"Yes, I'll be civil at... what?!" Discord wanted to ask more, but Luna had already flown off. "Did she tell all of Equestria?! How fast is Rainbow Dash exactly? And why am I the last to learn of this?"
Annoyed, he glanced at the table. A single scroll remained.
"I might as well." The draconequus took it. "Things could hardly get any worse."
Dear Discord,
Are you trying to hurt me? Seriously, are you? I poured my heart out in that letter and what do you do? Flood the town with a mass response! You didn't even bother to change the text! When I first got it, I was the happiest mare alive! I really thought you had finally caught on. Five minutes later I hear my roommate laughing her flank off, because she has received an identical letter. Do you even know how that made me feel?
You really are painful to love, you know that? Well, I don't care! Despite everything I still love you, you silly thing. Oh stars, at times I wish I didn't, but it's something I can't control. You never did see me at the Gala, did you? Nopony sees me at the Gala. I guess in part that's my job. Also, please forgive me for the things I said about Princess Celestia and Fluttershy. I don't know what came over me. Just jealousy, I guess. I know things are going well between you. The Princess often mentions how glad she is you are back to what you were, when you two were married. Fluttershy also deeply cares for you as a friend, but she has indeed confided that you are coming on a tad too forceful at times. You really haven't had much experience with friends, have you? That's what happens when you like chaos more than anything else.
You were right about my love life, or the lack of such. It really is complicated. You see, I've been staying at a place with this mare for a while. She’s nice and everything, but she obviously has a thing for me, and I don't have the courage to tell her I'm into stallions. Mostly it's been only innocent flirting, the occasional peck on the cheek — all things I can ignore. Lately, however, she has started upping her game. The hugs have been getting more intense, and a few days ago she even nibbled my ear. I so fear I'll break her heart. That's why I finally found the courage to write to you. That, and some good advice I got from a friend. Believe me, it wasn't easy! I had to bribe Princess Twilight's dragon by arranging for a table for two in the most expensive restaurant Ponyville has. I even had to provide the music itself before he agreed. In the long run, it was worth it, though. I finally got to tell you how I feel, as well as hear back from you. Although you still don't have the foggiest who I am, do you? (No, don't feel bad, it's all right.)
Nice try, but I happen to know your daughters quite well, and am aware Screwball isn't the least bit interested in getting lessons from me. Also, I know that she prefers Fluttershy to me as a potential stepmom. Nonetheless, I could describe our relations as warm and amicable. We are so very different, after all. She knows perfectly well, I cannot possibly take Princess Celestia's place. We both do.
I'm not sure I'll write anymore. Maybe it's better this way, or maybe it isn't — only time will tell. Regardless, I am glad I did, even if I sounded like a maniac in the first letter. Mother always told me I dream too big for my own good. What could I say? Under this cold exterior beats the heart of a dreaming romantic.
Goodbye, Discord. Take care of yourself. And if you come to the next Gala, if you could, keep an eye open for me.
Always waiting,
A mare that loves you.
"This is a joke," Discord said, yet found himself incapable of looking away from the words. "It must be a prank! Somepony got the date wrong and..." He sighed heavily. After so many centuries, somepony who loved him had appeared again.
This was horrible, of course! The last few times this had ended in utter disaster! The divorces were messy and what followed — ten times so. Frankly, he was lucky to be walking about.
"There's no way in Tartarus, I'm going through that again!" The draconequus threw the scroll across the room. "Not in a million—"
A knock sounded on the door.
"Of course!" Discord lifted his forelimbs to the ceiling annoyed. "Interrupt me when I'm in the middle of a life defining rant, why don't you?!" Another knock followed. "Oh, for chaos's sake, Deliria! Just teleport in like a normal being!" He shouted, heading towards the door. "How many times have we been through this? As long as you live in this house, you shall follow no set rules!" He gripped the handle, tearing the door off its hinges.
"Deliria, when will you stop acting like a—"
The sentence remained unfinished. Much to Discord's amazement, there was a pony standing at his porch — a real, unadulterated, a hundred percent normal earth pony. Her dark mane almost blended with the darkness outside, making her light grey coat stand out.
"Um." The mare started hesitantly, looking away. "Deliria told me you're home," she adjusted her bow tie, "so I decided just to come see where it was you lived. She has spoken so much about your home." Another pause. "It's almost like I I've lived here, myself. " A tense laugh followed.
Discord just kept on staring at her, very much uncertain how to react.
"This is wrong." The pony closed her eyes, shaking her head slightly as she did so. "I shouldn't have come here. It was foolish, and I should have know better. You are obviously quite busy and..." her words trailed off. Slowly she took a deep breath, then opened her eyes again, looking straight at Discord's. "Might I come in?"
"Please, by all means." Discord moved aside so she could pass. "I was just thinking of having some nice tea to go along with your melody."
