(Story best read, with rap instrumental in the background)
One day, Princess Celestia decided to host a rap battle with the ponies. Princess Celestia called Twilight to go first. She breathed heavily and grabbed the mic.
"Alright, It’s Twi up in this shit, time to bring it into motion, II may just be a little unicorn, but my spells are damn potent.
Bringing that fucking magic heat, and I drop a dope rhyme, Yeah I live in a library, like a fucking mastermind.
You gotta love me, just hop right on the bandwagon, I’m so fucking fierce, I’m the one who gives orders to the dragon.
Leader of the pack, yeah I control the rest of ya, Runnin’ fucking ponyville, like I was Princess Celestia.
I’ll own your ass so hard, I’ll put it up for rent, Because the chance of you beating me has a negative percent.
Took the fucking title from the Great and Powerful Trixie, That dog, made her my bitch, like she was fucking Winn-Dixie!
I’m owning at friendship, and you just suck dick, I got magic you faggot and you don’t got shit.
Smartest one here, there's a reason I’m the boss, Bitch, I came from the future and you’ve already lost."
She passed the mic to Rainbow Dash, who was to her left,
"Any bitch can fly, but you know that I’ll school her, Kicked Putin’s ass and became 140 percent cooler.
So fast you don’t know what to do, On top of things like Daring Do. You need a wing man? I've got two! Always will be better than you, Heard I lost? Must be a fluke, Radical Hair, made from Skittles puke.
You think I fucking like chicks? hah Just mad nopony is getting up on your dick.
I'm the awesomest pony, we’re already fucking over that Call me out and watch your body drop in 10 seconds flat.
Compared to me you’re fucking new at this, Because Ill break your wings just like toothpicks.
I’m the mare these colts fucking desire, Because I’m so hot, hotter than Spitfire.
Time to pillage and plunder, I’m putting you under, Bringing the air crackling thunder.
Making it rain, pain, All over your brain, Until you’re never the same.
Cloud of awesome and fucking rainbow lightning bolt, Friends call me “Dash” to you I’m “Leader of the Wonder Bolts”."
Pinkie Pie took her turn next, "Hey there friend! I didn’t come to make enemies! Look at my face, could you ever be mad at me? Stop talking? If I did it would be a tragedy! A catastrophe! More than a crashing economy!
But alright, kids, it’s time to fucking party, You bring the cake and I’ll grab some Bacardi! Drink till I get all retardi, Relax and be free, like me! It’s quite easy! Silly Filly!
But watch your fucking back for, Pinkamena Diane Pie, Crushin’ cupcakes in my fist, and punching them through your eye, Torturing ponies, until even the strongest colts cry.
I’ll show you true pain, not fake, Skin your ass alive and turn your guts to cupcakes.
I’ll use your bones as floss, And finish by devouring your brain with hot sauce.
I’ll be smiling, while it’s tears of blood you’ll be crying, Screaming multiplying, Wishing that you were dying.
When you go to sleep, you better leave open one eye, Dreaming of a bloody night with fucking Pinkie Pie."
She dropped the microphone and Rarity picked it up, because shes a fucking LADY! AND SHE WONT TAKE FUCKING SHIT FROM NOPONY! "Everypony in Canterlot has heard of Rarity, And who are you? Covered in rags from a fucking charity, You don’t compare to me.
Shut up Twilight, orders from me are the ones Spike takes, I’ll show you up, any day my incredible fame is at stake, I bury all your reputations with mine, like a dazzling earthquake.
You don’t compare to a mare like me, so don’t pretend, I’ll lock you up, and bring your petty life to an end, Carve your skin into dresses and give them away to my friends, It looks like somepony resurrected your fashion sense just to kill it again, I’m the top notch pony, catching the eyes of colts and men, Making them lust, because I’m queen of flawlessness and sin.
You’re not even a challenge, I won't even jest, You can’t even put my flow to the test. I’m the cream of the crop, better than the rest, Only the beautiful survive, that’s the art of the dress."
Applejack was after her, "Can you believe these foals? Get the buck out of here, I’ll castrate you like a steer, you queer.
Apples everywhere, farm business down, I own it, Ponies addicted to my cider, like fucking alcoholics.
Control the game, I’m working, every single day, Call me the best pony, also known as AJ. I plan to keep it that way, Okay?
Country lifes a game, I got the best hand, Rollin’ in G’s, fuckin’ up all you Flim Flams.
Electrocute your ass, like a zap apple, I’m a lyrical genius, always winnin’ scrabble.
While you flippin tables, I’m out there creating fables Running stables
Flippin around wages Like they were pages In a book about success You know I only speak the truth, And I am better than the rest.
I know I’m great, but royalty? No relation. I’m busy everyday, no vacation. I’m owning everpony, every occasion.
By now you should know not to fuck with me, Because after I whoop your ass, You can get gangbanged by the entire apple family."
Fluttershy picked up the mic, "Uhm...sorry if I offend you, with this rap, But you..uhm suck...crap, Or something like that..
Sorry!!! I never really did this before, You’re a total loser! Umm, your mom's a whore. I don't mean to hurt your feelings! But it’s a contest and I really feel like winning.
You know...fuck this shit, it’s time to speak my mind, I’m gonna quit being a quiet bitch, And drop a fucking nasty rhyme!
You think you’re all so cool? Like I care, Tell me when you’ve tamed a manticore, Or wrestled with a fucking bear.
You’re all idiots, I've got a full alarm on the retard detector, I'ma beast, I sat a dragon down and gave him a fucking hard lecture.
Without me you faggots would have failed your hurricane, Flying around so much, only air is in your brain.
When you walk into my turf, you pussies are just tourists, Only the fearless live on the edge of the Everfree forest!
If you want tips on how to be the best, pull up a chair, I command the deadliest creatures with only my stare! "
Princess Celestia cheered as the ponies took their leave.
The next day, Princess Celestia held another rap battle for duos.
Derpy Hooves and Carrot Top (Golden Harvest) went first. "Carrot Top and Derpy Hooves putting you fillies back where you belong! After this you’ll be walking away like “I just don’t know what went wrong”
I thought you had to be a real rapper to enter, how did you pass inspection? You can’t surprise me, my eyes watch in two different directions!
You're looking ghostly dude, turning so light your pale! I’ll package you up, and send your ass through the mail.
You could never beat us, so just stop! Will smoke you so hard, you’ll get baked like muffin tops!
If you stand up to us, you’re surely gonna fall, I’ll destroy you, just like I did to the town hall!
You're getting owned bad, by the orange and gray, Were the top background ponies, and we plan to keep it that way!"
Vinyl Scratch and Octavia started playing their own beats as they rapped. "Hah you think we’re gonna lose to some tools? You cant rap! Nothing rhymes with orange you fools!
All of these ponies getting jealous, because my gigs are bigger. My ensemble buries you like it was a grave digger.
Were the pair of the century, We got in on lock down like a penitentiary.
Why are you even trying? We can’t tell. Well be on top of the world, while you're playing slow jams in hell
Such a complex orchestra, we’re cream of the crop, Hitting you so hard, more than your bass is gonna drop.
We’re so cool and instrumentally were stone cold killers, We run the backdrop, the rest of you are just generated fillers.
And when they see us on the streets, everpony takes pictures, Orchestrated techno and cello, pro mixtures.
The chance of you beating us, is just fictitious, We eat faggots like you for breakfast, mmm delicious."
BonBon and Lyra laughed, "Did you make the beat for this rap to? There's no lyrics! Nopony cares about your manly voices, we don’t wanna hear it.
I’d rather chill and eat candy, not be fancy. Are you really determined to lose this fast, so antsy.
When it comes to background ponies and rapping, we’re kings. Play your death melody on the lyre, tugging at the heartstrings.
How do you wish to lose? You’ve got so many choices. She’ll play your song of pain, while I sing in a thousand voices.
We may walk in the back, but attentions on us, Twilight’s bandwagon? Hah get on BonBon’s fan bus
You’re getting so mad, look you're just fumin’ , Don’t worry, I’ll write some clopfics about you when I’m human."
As they stopped, two ponies came from the back of the crowd and started to lay down some fucking nasty beat, like you wouldn't fucking believe.
"Foxxy, making girls faint when I flow, Magicolt, up in, directing the show.
FoxMagic, you better hide when we get pissed, Because the only reason you stand, is because we allow you to live.
We’ll stomp you out, robbed your house and take it all, Cut you up and wash your wounds with fucking alcohol.
Starting hurricanes, whenever I started to cough, When Princess gave us light, we turned it the fuck off.
Our stories get told in the future, by kids ancestors, Never get caught off guard, like fucking metal detectors.
Our records don’t even tell all of what we did, Lock your ass up in your house and protect your little kid.
When ponies see us, they freak out and turn, Cause when you cross us, you’ve past the point of no return.
When this town was first forged, ponies never heard of me, But now we hold the place of best writers eternally."
Princess Celestia was overjoyed, "MANNNN THESE BITCHES BE CRAY CRAY" she said.
Just as Princess Celestia was about to announce the winner of the contest, the sky darkened, as mysterious figures came from the shadows.
One of them was Nightmare Moon! She grabbed the mic,
"Listen up ponies, because your lives will end soon, I’ll eclipse you puny lives, like sun behind the moon.
You’ll have no way to escape when my plan unfolds, My legend stands strong, no matter how old. Celestia brought the sunlight, so warm and bold, But when I came down, everything turned cold.
The Nightmare continues, as I am reincarnated, I’ll rip your soul out and leave you bloody and decapitated.
In this contest of flow, it’s me you can’t cheat, I rap to the sounds of dying ponies heartbeats.
I’ll show you the ropes of darkness, no fee, My rhymes are so unreal you thought they were C.G.
No of you other small baddies can even compare to me, So if I hurt your feelings, tell it to your diary!
But is there room in the game for a mare that rhymes, That just wants to joke and fun sometimes?
So when you step up remember what I’ll do to ya, Remember the name, Nightma-, Princess Luna."
Then Discord, came from the dark, his voice booming across Ponyville.
"Double Persona, You both suck, I don’t see a switch, Stop acting bad, you’re just your Celestia’s bitch.
Nobody parties like a draconequus, trying say that 5 times fast, I broke out of my stone imprisonment, just to kick some ass.
It’s raining chaos, and the forecast is intense, They call me insane, but my crazy words make sense.
I own the game easily, call me the Master of Rap, You can’t freestyle! You’re screwed off like a bottle cap.
Turn friends against each other until their time is done. Makin the moon come up down, I’m fucking with the fucking sun.
I’m gaining intelligence by eating little ponies brains. Pushing Celestia right in front of a fucking train.
I’ll turn your world upside down, don’t fuck with me, Now I’m off to ruin some lives, arrivederci!"
And then, to make matters worse, a swarm of changelings appeared, and following them, Queen Chrysalis!
"Alright, you ready for this? Prepare to face the flow of Queen Chrysalis! I’m also known of the creation of evil, genesis! I’m the number one nemesis! My power is limitless! I’ll rip your heart out, because only death, you will feel bliss.
Fucking around with your mind so much you can’t even manage! I’ll tie you up and make you do the razor blade challenge!
I’m in your love life,I create strife, Took your form, and then I fucked your wife.
I’m the strongest villain, that hardly gets recognized, When I’m in the room, every ponies life is fucking jeopardized.
You don’t think I can get more ill? Well I’m about get sicker, I cause more damage to cities than godzilla!
I may look like I’m fucking cut up, But if you mention it, you won't be far from it."
The ponies heard rumbling as a great metal machine rolled into the town square.
"Alright Flam, let’s give these losers a show! Ready to kick some ass Flim? You know it bro!
Hah! I didn’t know they lowered the standards to be a queen! We’ll crush your flow up, and make it into cider, with our machine.
These small businesses need to take a hike, Our burn you so much, it’s like you're rapping against Spike!
We’re the kings of economy, anything else you heard was a myth. Your rhymes are so old, you probably got them from Granny Smith!
You all failed so fast, we laughed when we seen it, We would have won the cider contest, if those sluts never cheated.
We’ll break the town into song, this is gonna be over quickly! They should run your lyrics over the cliff because they’re sickly!
You’re gonna go down so fast, you’ll end up in hell, Because we’re Flim Flam Brothers, nonpareil!"
Princess Celestia would not stand for this, she gathered her royal rapping force.
Princess Celestia conjured her royal microphone, but then, Shining Armour stepped in front of her.
"Hold up Princess, I got this, no need to worry, Cause I spit fire, like I just ate curry!
Alright baddies, step out of your egos, and come and listen, They call me Shining Armour, best in the land, no competition.
You think you stand tall, you’re gonna fall like a poorly built tower, I shielded all of Canterlot, using only a fraction of my power!
You’ll wear yourself out trying to harm me, your body can’t take it, I’m wearing unbreakable armour, compared to that, you’re butt naked.
Go ahead and shit talk, I’ll break your unicorn horn 2 spots, Then you can get shot, get buried, and wait as your body rots.
You villains get so annoying, like foot blisters, I don’t have time for this shit, I’ll just send my little sister!
I’m shining light down, making you villains nervous, Oppose the princess and you’ll have to deal with her secret service."
Then Mare Do Well jumped from a rooftop.
"It’s the shadow mare, evil doers, be afraid, I save so much lives, I’m like a one pony brigade
If I catch you corrupting something, you're probably less than nothing. My stare of truth can see through all the lies you’re bluffing.
Justice and Democracy, Supported and Enforced by me, I’ll read your mind like an open book about psychology.
I fight for the weak, promote equality, My name is like a legend in pony mythology.
I unlock the cages of imprisonment, to set the oppressed free, My rhymes will blow your mind, not just lyrically but spiritually.
I’m a pony that you won’t ever outshine, I knock baddies out cold, just using my hard rhymes!
Villains can’t compare to me so don’t even try, The number of people I’ve helped, is somewhere close to places in Pi."
Zecora ran in from the Everfree Forest, brandishing her tribal mic.
"Silly fools, can’t you see, or are your ears blind, I’m a professional rapper, all I do is speak in rhymes.
An odd pony, nah, that’s were you foals are wrong, I’m a fucking Zebra, from a native land, where only the hardcore belong!
You wish you were as wise as me, but I’m just blessed, Your tiny brain can’t even handle the skills that I possess.
Dont you know that my flows got perfect motion, I’ll cut you into little pieces and make you into a potion.
So just relax and lose, against me you can’t fight, I’ll dominate you, like a city vs. the paraspirtes.
Lyrically, I've more variety the royal garden florally, So don’t mess with me, or you’ll see, The only time you win, is in your dreams.
So Beware Beware, You pony folk, These nasty rhymes are not a joke."
Finally, Celestia started to spit MAD AS FUCK RHYMES FROM THE ROYAL LIBRARY OF AWESOMENESS!
"Ruler of the land, you can’t compare to me I’m more of a fucking gem than that bitch Rarity. Explicitly As you can see I’m not obsolete Cuz all of these bronies want to flock to me.
Illuminate your petty lives, outshined by none, The rest of you are specs, when compared to the sun.
When you see me comin, all of you better run Or my heat will cook you up like a cinnamon bun.
All across the land my brilliance is shown. The rhymes that I’m bringin will leave your mind blown. And petrify you like you were made of stone. Owned
Look at you, your rhymes are all strewn Now shut your mouth before I send you to the moon."
Celestia dropped the mic as the Villains were all instantly sent to the moon. Fucking Noobs.
After the contest, it was clear Silver Wind and Buckshot won, so Celestia held a party for them in Canterlot. She also played some fine beats and let randoms come up to rap.
Trixie decided to give it a shot, "I’m great and powerful, look at you! That’s it? I run this show, you better check your script!
I’ll leave you hanging by your own rainbow In order to get on your level, I’d have to stoop so low.
Do you even see your spells after you cast them? Worthless, You’re so lost, like a fallen scarecrow without a Purpose!
I’ve studied enough tomes to fill a valley region. I’ll be shooting you out of the sky, when it’s idiot season!"
Then Spitfire and Soarin', "I’m burning up like parked car, on a sunny day, Drop you from the top of a cliff and take your life away.
We blazing like a fire, don't get hurt when you get smoked. When you see us out in public better leave us unprovoked!
Can’t you see, we’re knocking flyers out cold, you better bring a bed, I can see, I got 20/20 eyesight from the goggles on my head.
We fly in any weather, even when it’s hail pourin’ And while you chillin on the ground will be up here Soarin’".
Daring Do was shooting her movie in Canterlot and decided to make a surprise visit, "I’m a hardcore adventure, you’re much too soft, I’ll leave you begging for mercy with your wings broken off.
I’m going door to door, preventing wars, And keeping sacred artifacts safe is my chore, When you think I’m out of tricks, I’ll always have more. I’ll show you a museum of pain, give you a free tour!. It’ll be hard to ignore the gore, When I show you what I’ve got planned for you, in store."
Even Big Mac and the Cutie Mark Crusaders showed up! Big Mac: "Thinkin’ you can win, it’s your raps you better check, Don’t you know I’ll run your tiny little ass, eeyup.
I’m bigger than a bus, and I’ll break you in half if we grapple, I’ll rip you down easily, like I was bucking apples!"
CMC: "Cutie Mark Crusaders gonna end this quick, We’re friends forever, chicks before dicks!
We’re going against nature, trying to jump ahead of its course, Hard job for one, but easy for this trinity force!
An artist, a dancer, and another filly who can sing, We have no cute marks because we can do anything!
We’d beat you at anything! Any day! Cutie Mark Ass Kicking Rappers Yay!"
Luna decided to follow in Celestias rapping footsteps, "When royalty is rapping you know better than to talk, My lines will ring throughout you brain cause I say them CAPSLOCK.
I tried to overthrow my sis’, wanted to run this station, I got sent away, took a lunar vacation, But while I was gone, what happened to this generation? I should show you how a real princess handles a situation!
I may be Luna again, but don’t give me any trouble, I’ve got split personalities, so the fun can be doubled."
Spike also joined the fun! "Badass and good raps? With me you don’t have to choose! I don’t have a Pinkie Sense, but I already know you’re gonna lose.
You underestimate my skills, but the fact is, My victory is certain, you still need more practice!
I don’t even know where to start, I’ve got so much to flaunt! I could destroy Ponyville at anytime, Spike want!"
Then Berry Punch wandered on the stage, "I used to worry all the time, now I don’t care it all, Probably because I’m drowning in alcohol, lol"
But then Colgate grabbed her before she embarrassed herself anymore.
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Shout out to everyone who gave me support in the comments.
