Ever wonder what kinds of automobiles our favorite equines would use? Join the girls as they search for the car that best suits them. Those poor machines won't even know what hit them.
A few years ago, Equestria and Earth intertwined and crossed paths. Goods and ideas were soon exchanged between the two neighboring worlds, one of these goods being automobiles. After months of saving up their bits, the girls decide to check out Flim Flam Brothers Used Autos that just opened for business in Ponyville. Will they get a good deal and find just what they are looking for or will it end up being a classic case of buyer's remorse?
Rated Everyone. Appropriate for all ages. Credit for the cover goes to Aquaticsun on Deviantart.
"Well gee wiz Flim, it looks like we have ourselves a pretty lady trotting over." Flam said as he observed a stunning white unicorn approaching their car lot.
"Why right you are, Flam." Flim replied. "It appears to be the classy friend of the local apple farmer if I'm not mistaken. Now she has a keen eye for the details!"
"I daresay that certainly looks to be the case, brother. She's trotting right over to the side where we keep the Lincolns and Cadillacs."
"Well then what are we waiting for? Let's get out there and make that sale!"
"After you, Flim."
"Why thank you, Flam."
The two brothers made their way out of the office and out to the lot where their customer was oohing and aahing over a 2013 Cadillac CTS sedan. Flim and Flam were determined to make this sale as this was one of the most expensive cars they had in their inventory. They both trotted over with the biggest and totally non creepy grins that they could possibly slap on to their faces and greeted the discerning unicorn in a way that made them look like they would have equal signs as cutie marks.
"Why, if it isn't the lovely Miss Rarity!" Flam beamed as he and his brother approached.
"How can we be of assistance, young lady?" Flim asked.
"Good morning, gentlecolts." Rarity greeted. "Judging by your growing reputation as honest salesponies as of late, I trust that you tend to run your business with genuine integrity now, am I correct?"
"Oh, but of course, miss." Flim replied as he put his right hoof over his chest and his left hoof in the air.
"Absolutely, dear." Flam said as he removed his hat. "We've come to realize that doing business that way generates better public relations and therefore we noticed increased sales and decreased arson claims on our insurance."
"Oh that's so wonderful to hear, gentlecolts." Rarity said. "I've always admired your ambition and entrepreneurship but the shady part of it was a bit...well let us just say that it most certainly did not help your image. That and I must say, Flam, I've always thought highly of that magnificent mustache and it certainly has me interested...I-in a car I mean."
Flam shot flim a "told you so" smirk while the latter rolled his eyes and began the conversation that could rake in a healthy profit if it went well or cost them a sale if it did not. Either way, they both knew that it was always good to play it cool.
"So may I ask what it is that you happen to be looking for in a vehicle, madame?" Flim asked.
"I'll bet you're a mare who appreciates the finer things, am I correct?" Flam inquired.
"Oh you boys know me all too well." Rarity chuckled. "This black sedan here has certainly caught my eye. The luxurious interior suits me, I've heard the ride is very smooth with these and the trunk space is more than sufficient for transporting supplies for my boutique."
"Ah yes, a fine specimen of an automobile indeed." Flam said.
"What you're looking at here, young lady, is a 2013 Cadillac CTS." Flim added. "Very gently used and only sixteen thousand miles on it."
"This car has a 3.6 litre V6 engine which means that it's two hundred and seventeen cubic inches."
"This particular specimen is all wheel drive so even in the most harsh and unforgiving winter storms, you'll be pushing right through in style."
"This one of a kind car is fully loaded and even features both power sun and moon roof."
"Not to mention the air suspension that makes it feel like you're driving a cloud even down the bumpiest of paths. If you've ever wanted to know what a pegasus feels like, this is the car for you."
"Oh my." Rarity said as she salivated over the large luxury car and its features. "It's perfect! I absolutely love this car! How much for it?"
"With financing from the bank, it can be yours today for a modest forty-three thousand bits." Flam replied.
Upon hearing the price, Rarity's smile was instantly replaced by a depressing frown and glossy eyes. Though she owned a successful business, she was not rich by any means and could most definitely not afford such a staggering price tag. She loved the car but she was not about to trade everything she held dear to get it.
"Oh, not to worry, Miss Rarity." Flim said, noticing the mare's discouraged look. "We have plenty more exquisite vehicles that would surely better fit your budget."
"Well yes, it seems I will have to pass on this one." Rarity replied as she gracefully picked herself back up. "It happens to the best of us, I'm quite sure."
"Ah, right you are, madame." Flam said. "Perhaps this 2011 Lincoln Town Car would be more your game."
"With a 4.6 litre V8, this car has plenty of power and though it's rear wheel drive, it has one of the most state of the art traction control systems money can buy." Flim added.
"And let's not forget about the trunk space! You could even bring your whole boutique everywhere you go!"
"Picture that! The mobile version of the Carousel Boutique! All yours for Twenty-two thousand!"
"Awwwwwweee...This car is magnificent too but I still can't afford it!" Rarity whined. "Forget it, I should have known I hadn't saved enough for a good car. Business has been slow lately and if I get one today, I would have to settle for a compact."
"Miss Rarity, where are you going?" Flam asked as their potential sale was about to trot away.
"I'm just going to drag my sorry flank back to my shack that I call a home and question the *sniff* choices I've made. I'm sorry boys, but I'm just not ready to get something that suits me well."
"Quick, Flim." Flam whispered to his brother. "We've got to think of something that she would like that's cheaper before she leaves."
"You're right, Flam." Flim replied. "We'll just have to accept that these Caddies will have to sell another day. Even eight thousand bits is better than no bits."
"*Gasp* We've got just the thing! Miss Rarity! Wait! We have something you'll love but it's much more affordable!"
"You do?" Rarity asked as she turned around, her ears perking back up. "Where is it?"
"Give me just a moment, young lady. Flam said. "It's in our garage in the back of the lot. I'll be right back."
With much hast, Flam made a dash to the large building that the two brothers used to service and store their excess inventory. Rarity did not know what to expect but kept her hopes up. After all, a car to her was more than just a purchase. It was an investment that could help make travel and carrying supplies much easier for her and thus help expand her business. She knew that in order to purchase something decent without going bankrupt, she may have to lower her standards somewhat which at this point, she felt that she was not above doing so.
As quickly as he darted away, Flam returned with the mystery automobile that could make or break their sale. It was a large, bulky four door burgundy red station wagon. The car was in mint condition with not a single spot of rust but the fact that it was a much, much older model was slight cause for concern.
"Miss Rarity, feast your eyes on this beauty!" Flim said as Flam exited the car and trotted towards them. "What we have here is a 1996 Buick Roadmaster! It has a 5.7 litre, three hundred and fifty cubic inch V8 rated at two hundred and sixty horsepower! It has room for eight passengers and all the seats fold down for carrying all the cargo you could possibly need to transport!"
"Not only that but it even has a towing package all hooked up and ready to go!" Flam pointed out. "The possibilities are endless! Even while loaded to full capacity, you'll still feel like you're driving a living room down the road!"
"That does sound...hmm..." Rarity said, unsure of what to make of the massive machine that sat before her. "That's all very nice but it's so...old. I mean, 1996 means it's nearly twenty."
"Ah, be that as it may madame..." Flim began. "...but despite its age, it has all the necessary updates that keep this car in fierce competition with its more modern road mates."
"It has power everything and its old, outdated cassette player has been replaced by an am/fm satellite radio with cd and mp3 auxiliary capabilities! Also, it has a mere seventy-one thousand miles on it so you can be sure that it has many more years of trouble free service to come!"
"And, as it nears its twentieth birthday, its value can only go up from there as it will be officially a classic. Also, did I mention that it gets a healthy twenty-six miles per gallon?"
Rarity was at a loss for words as it all sounded too good to be true. Though it looked like something an old granny would drive, this car was everything Rarity needed and then some. The flawless paint job, the pristine wire spoked wheels and the top cargo racks for even more added carrying space made it all the more tantalizing.
As the brothers patiently waited for a response from Rarity, she also began thinking that not only was this car perfect for work, it could even do wonders as a party on wheels as all of her friends plus two more could fit inside. It really did seem too good to be true. The only thing left to ask was how much she would be financially set back if she were to purchase this beast.
"It can be all yours today, miss." Flam said.
"All this and an ever rising value for only seventy-eight hundred bits." Flim said. "This deal is too good to pass up."
"I-I don't know, gentlecolts." Rarity said. "This is a lot to take in right now. I mean, it truly looks and sounds wonderful but I'll need to really think it over. Why, how do we know that I will actually like it once I buy it?"
"There's only one way to find out." Flim replied as the keys hovered over to Rarity in his magical aura. "How about a test drive?"
"Oh! Heheh, right." Rarity sheepishly chuckled as she accepted the keys. "Alright then boys, I'll just take a quick little drive around the block and I should be able to make my decision."
"Take all the time you need." Flam assured.
"We'll be here when you get back, madame." Flim said.
With much anticipation, the excited Rarity cranked the engine over and shifted the lever on the steering column to "drive" and gently pressed the gas pedal. Much to her confusion, the car did not so much as move an inch as the rear end seemed to be bogging down more and more with each passing second. This was not going to score points for this car at first glance.
"Miss, if I may make a suggestion?" Flam called over. "Perhaps you could try taking it easy with the throttle?"
"If you wouldn't mind that is, dear." Flim added. "The rear wheels are digging quite the sizable trenches in our lot."
"Oh my goodness!" Rarity said as she pressed the brake pedal, stopping the tires from sinking further into the ground. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry! You certainly weren't joshing me when you said this thing had power!"
"No trouble at all, miss." Flam reassured. "We can simply fill that back in later, it's really no problem."
Now feeling more relaxed by the politeness of the sales ponies, Rarity released the brake pedal, allowing the wheels to slowly pull themselves out of the trenches. With the rear wheels now out of the inclines they had made, the car quickly gained speed all the while with Rarity's right, back hoof still not so much as touching the gas pedal. At fifteen miles per hour with what seemed like no effort on the machine's part, this experience was truly an impressive one to say the least.
Rarity was certainly very interested in the vehicle of which she was now behind the wheel of but she was compelled to learn as much as she could and get the "feel" for its handling. As she sped up to forty miles per hour in less than three seconds, Flim and Flam were quickly out of sight as she continued down the cobblestone streets of Ponyville. The acceleration would certainly fit the bill but as Rarity approached a stop sign, she was to put the brakes to the test.
She would not be disappointed, as she came to a smooth, safe stop with very little pedal effort. As she yielded to ponies who had the right of way, she looked both ways and when she saw that it was all clear, she ever so gently gave it gas and zipped down the street. Now that she had the accelerating and stopping down, being the savvy customer she was, she knew that she would need to test the turning and cornering as well.
The behemoth of an machine delivered once again as Rarity made a sharp right turn down the dirt path that lead towards Sweet Apple Acres. Not only was the car able to handle the demands of tight roads, it also proved to be as smooth and comfortable on a rough dirt path as it was on the level cobblestone. It seemed as if Rarity could even dose off, it was so quiet.
"Sweet Celestia, this car is amazing!" Rarity beamed as she pressed the pedal even further down.
Rarity was not usually one to get overly excited and "flip out" but as the adrenaline rushed through her veins, she could not help but let her usually hidden wild side take over. As the land yacht very quickly exceeded eighty miles per hour on the straight path, the speed crazed unicorn opened all four windows and the sun roof to feel the wind through her mane. For the first time ever, she understood Rainbow Dash's love for the speed, the wind and over all, the freedom.
At this point, Rarity's wagon was blasting down the path at one hundred miles per hour as she whipped past the Apple Family farm leaving Applejack in a cloud of dust, her mouth agape in awe at the spectacle that raged down the path. Though she was pumped up and driving a car with one of the best safety ratings in automotive history, Rarity came back to her senses and slowed back down to fifty as she neared a slight curve in the road.
Though she would rather not make an appearance in the next news paper obituary, the crooked grin on Rarity's face was an indication that she was about to put a somewhat foolish idea into play. As she continued her speedy pace around the bend, her rear wheels began to slide in the opposite direction and she knew it was either now or never. As soon as the rear end lost some of its grip on the dirt path, Rarity steered the front wheels into the direction opposite of where the five thousand pound machine was headed and drifted around the corner like a professional.
"Woohooooo!!!" Rarity screamed at the top of her lungs as the car regained its grip on the terrain. "Wahahahahaaa! I'm alive!"
The savvy buyer that is Rarity had made her decision and turned around to make her way back to Flim and Flam's dealership where she would share her thoughts with the salesponies. Once again, she whipped past Applejack who was still glued to the spot staring in sheer amazement as Rarity passed by. Soon, the elegant yet tough estate car had rejoined the cobblestone streets and made quick work of the distance between it and the parking lot that it would soon be liberated from.
Soon, Rarity was back at the dealership as she drove towards the two brothers who had so patiently waited for her. She then stopped in front of them, shifted into "park" and exited the car. Flim and Flam now had a mare with a crazed look in her eyes and a disheveled mane galloping towards them. The two confused brothers did not know what to make of Rarity who was was panting and sweating profusely as she approached them.
"Uh, Miss Rarity?" Flam said. "Are you feeling alr-mmph!"
Out of nowhere, the adrenaline crazed Rarity grabbed Flam's bowtie, pulled him closer, and firmly locked her lips with his weather he liked it or not. Much to Flim's shock and hint of jealousy, Rarity seemed to have overpowered his brother and was pushing him down further into submission until she finally broke it off and regained her composure.
"Ahem, pardon me, gentlecolts." Rarity said. "But I'll take it."
"I'm telling you Flim, it's the stache!" Flam said as he attempted to give courting advice to his brother. "If you would just try growing one, the ladies will throw themselves at you."
"I tried it before, remember?" Flim retorted. "It grew all thin and patchy and it felt like I had nails growing out of my face. Ugh!"
"Well Flim, some ponies got it and others don't."
"Oh shut up, Flam. Just shut up."
"You mad, bro?"
"Well lookie here!" A female voice with a country accent said. "If'n it ain't the Flim Flam brothers!"
The two startled stallions turned around in their office chairs to see none other than Applejack herself standing at their doorway. She wore a slightly bemused expression as she trotted towards the two salesponies which made them nervous. They were not so much afraid of physical retaliation on her part but what worried them was the idea of bad publicity as spread by somepony who had a lot of pull in town. The last two encounters with the farm mare were not exactly the most trust building.
"Oh! M-Miss Applejack!" Flim stuttered. "Why w-what a pleasant and surprise! We were hoping that you might show your pretty face here eventually!"
"Y-y'all think ah'm purdy?" Applejack replied before violently shaking her head, freeing herself from the brothers' attempt to charm her. "I-I mean, y'all ain't up to no funny business, are ya?"
"Good heavens, no!" Flam replied. "Miss Applejack, my brother and I have completely overhauled the way we do business! I can assure you we've cleaned up our act and now sell quality products and stand by our warranties if they fail."
"That so?"
"It most certainly is so, madame." Flim reassured.
"O-okay then. Well now that we got all that cleared up I wanted to look into...well...y'all got any of them car doohickies that got a box in the back of it?"
"Uhh, you mean like a pickup truck?" Flam asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Oh is that what they're callin' 'em?" Applejack replied sheepishly. "Yeah well Ah s'pose yer wonderin' why I'm askin' you two of all ponies about this."
"We are indeed curious as to why you suddenly wish to give us your business, yes." Flim answered.
"Well, fellas...mah friend Rarity is a real stickler fer the little details and she's got the highest standards of anypony Ah know. She ain't quit talkin' about that puke y'all sold her last we-"
"Buick." Flam said flatly, cutting Applejack off. "It's called a Buick, not a puke."
"Oh, right." Applejack said sheepishly. "Sorry fellas, Ah'm just a bit behind on the times and a lot of mah friends have been gittin' themselves some of these fancy power wagons and Ah kinda wanted to try 'em out."
"Of course madame, we completely understand!" Flim said as he elbowed his brother for rudely cutting off their nemesis turned valued customer. "So you're looking for something that can haul fruit around on your farm, correct?"
"Yup, that's pretty much what Ah'm lookin' for. Oh and if y'all got somethin' with a good sized back seat fer mah granny and Apple Bloom, that'd be mighty nice."
"Well then, Miss, you have undoubtedly come to the right place!" Flam beamed. "To the lot!"
"We have every type of truck for every type of job, Miss Apple!" Flim said as the trio trotted down the lot in front of the pick-up trucks all lined up in a neat row. "I'm certain we'll have just what you need, and to make up for any troubles we may have caused you in the past, we will discount any purchase you make by ten percent!"
"Well gee, that's mighty nice of you fellers!" Applejack replied.
The salesponies were true to their word when they said that they had them all. There were dozens upon dozens of different trucks off all makes and sizes. The first several they trotted past were some exceptionally pristine specimens including Ford Rangers, Chevrolet S10 and Colorados, Dodge Dakotas, Toyota Tacomas and even a tiny little front drive Volkswagen Rabbit.
"So, what do you think, Miss?" Flam asked. "See anything you like?"
"Well they all look pretty nice but..." Applejack began. "Well, Ah'm gonna git something and really put it to work. Y'all got anything bigger?"
"But of course!" Flim replied. "Just down a little further, we have our F-series and fifteen hundred sized trucks. Perhaps that Silverado would fit the ticket?"
What Flim was pointing to was a very respectable looking light blue metallic Chevrolet half ton rated pick-up with an extended cab featuring a small back seat. It was a short box Z71 offroad package and judging by its modern looking body curves, it appeared to be a fairly late model.
"Say, that is a darn tootin' swell truck if Ah ever saw one." Applejack said as she looked the vehicle over. "Y'all mind if I check out the inside?"
"Why, not at all, madame!" Flam beamed. "By all means, feel free to take as close a look you need!"
Upon entering the impressive truck, Applejack was met with not quite as roomy interior for rear seat passengers as she would have liked. Also, the box in the back was only six feet long so room to carry fruit there was also a bit more limited for the farm girl's taste. Overall, the truck was nice but not quite what she was looking for.
"It's alright but Ah kinda need somthin' that mah granny can git into nice 'n easy." Applejack stated "Ah think a bit more room in the back seat and a bigger box would help too."
"Oh, then it's something bigger you're looking for then?" Flim asked. "How about that dandy truck over there?"
"Yah mean that red one?" Shoot, now that one's not half bad!"
"Milady, what you're looking at is a 2009 Ford F-250 super cab!" Flam explained. "This beauty has a 5.4 litre V8 and a heavy duty towing package set right up and ready to go!"
"She's also got push button four wheel drive for when you get into the muddy spots on the farm." Flim said. "But why stop there and think about just work when it's perfect for play too? You could take this on a day trip with your family to any swimming hole that was previously out of reach!"
"Also, you're granny will appreciate these step bars for easier acce-"
"Bed's too shallow." Applejack stated flatly upon closer observation. "Got anything deeper?"
"Why, you're just impossible to please, aren't yo-oof!" Flam began before his brother punched him in the stomach.
"Of course Miss, and we would be more than happy to show you. wouldn't we, Flam?!" Flim said through his teeth, scolding Flam who was now gasping for breath.
"Huhuhuh, yah know somethin', Flim?" Applejack chuckled. "Yer actually alright! Nopony's ever called me 'miss' or 'madame' or 'lady' as much as y'all have today."
"Oh, I'm simply calling it how I see it, Miss Apple. Now what say you and I take a look at that Ram over there. Shall we?"
"Sure thing, pardner."
Trotting arm in arm while Flam continued to catch his breath, Flim lead Applejack over to a magnificent specimen of a full sized truck. It was a forest green unit with front fenders that flared out from the hood giving it a retro look of sorts while maintaining an impressive appeal from every one of its curves. The bed was much longer and deeper and the truck's cab was much larger than the previous two trucks Applejack looked at.
"Milady, this here is a 2009 Dodge Ram 3500 Power Wagon with a crew cab." Flim began. "It has a 6.7 litre inline straight six turbo diesel and a six speed automatic with overdrive. The box is Eight feel long and it has a class three heavy duty towing package so you'll be able to haul your entire orchard around."
"Shoot, Ah bet Ah could plow through the Everfree Forrest with this thing!" Applejack beamed. "Ain't no timber wolves gonna mess with me no more! How much is this big 'ol beast?"
"Well my dear, my brother and I have priced it at thirty-five thousand bits but for you, I'll let you drive away with it today for twenty-seven!"
"W-w-what?"
"Yes, I said twenty-seven thousand. Is that still too much?"
Applejack was flabbergasted at the price of the truck. Not because it was too high. It was not. Sweet Apple Acres is a successful business that brought in a good deal of money for the Apple family so they could afford to get a sizable truck for their farm work. What surprised Applejack so much was that Flim was willing to discount it so much. It was a lot more than the ten percent that the brothers had promised her before.
"Naw, that ain't too high." Applejack replied. "It's just fine but why would yah knock the price down s'much? Yer brother's gonna be rip snortin' mad."
"My brother is all the way back there throwing up in the gutter. I apologize that he was so impolite to you, by the way. That's not how we do business here."
"Oh it's all fine 'n dandy but Ah don't get why you'd discount it so much fer me."
"Because, Applejack, I like you. I like that you came here willing to give me and my brother a chance at earning your business. You're a nice young lady who just like us, runs a business and understands the hard work involved in making it succeed. We have something in common and that my dear is why I'm giving you such a deal."
"Well shucks Flim, y'all got a point there. Shoot, yer a swell fella."
"Why thank you, Miss Applejack. So, would you like to take a test drive?"
"Ah'd like that, Flim."
The two eager ponies climbed into the enormous truck to learn more about its interior and its handling. Applejack's eyes darted around the spacious cab as if she were a filly waking up on hearths warming morning. Everything on the control panel was within very easy reach, the seats were comparable to even the most finest of premium sofas and the sheer height was very impressive. It was enough to make the excited farm girl feel as if she could be queen of the road weather she was driving on or off of it.
"Ever driven one of these before?" Flim asked.
"Nothin' like this." Applejack replied. "Some of mah friends let me drive their cars enough fer me to get the hang of it but none of 'em got anything this big...Ah like it."
"Let's take a little cruise then. Here's the key."
"Ah'll say, buddy. It sounds a might different than other stuff Ah've cranked over."
"It's a diesel. They ignite with compression rather than traditional spark so it will sound a bit unfamiliar at first but you'll come to appreciate the power of this beast."
"Ah like the sound of that, sugarcube."
"I knew you would. Oh and the shift lever is on the steering column, by the way."
"Ah got it."
Just then, both Applejack and Flim reached for the lever at the same time causing the latter to place his hoof on top of that of the former. This proved to be a somewhat awkward moment as the two glanced at each other for a second or two and quickly withdrew their hooves while blushing.
"Sorry." Both said in unison.
"Oh, it wasn't your fault, Miss." Flim reassured.
"No harm done, hon." Applejack replied. "S-so uh, how this this here dandy truck huh?"
"Oh b-but of course, a dandy one indeed, heheheh."
Applejack finally shifted the truck into drive and lightly pressed the throttle, getting the large truck up to twenty miles per hour very quickly. Pulling out of the lot and on to ponyville's main thoroughfare meant she could increase speed to forty miles per hour which the truck did effortlessly. After several stops and turns, the pair had covered nearly half of the roadway in town. It was then when Applejack asked a question that would change everything.
"Say, Flim."
"Yes, Applejack?"
"How about we take this truck and see what she can do on the farm?"
"I'd be disappointed if we didn't, my dear."
Eight hours later...
It was now drawing close to six o'clock in the evening which meant Flim Flam Bros. Used Autos would be closing soon. Flam had long since recovered from his brother's punch to the gut but the latter was still nowhere to be seen. The impatient older sibling grew more and more annoyed by the second until finally, the green truck finally came into view and rolled towards the irritated salespony.
Upon closer observation, Flam noticed that the box was filled to the brim with nearly a dozen ponies whom he assumed were more members of the Apple family. The truck was covered from top to bottom in mud and a large trailer in tow was filled with enough apples to feed the entire town for weeks.
The now dirty truck slowly came to a stop in front of Flam where his brother who had been gone for an entire work day jumped out and his appearance was cause for quite the concern. Flim sported a brown vest, a stetson hat in similar color, a green bandanna around his neck and cowboy boots on his rear hooves.
"See ya later, Apples!" Flim said as he waved to the ponies as the truck pulled away. "Ah'm good fer hangin' out on Friday, Applejack!"
"Darn tootin'! Applejack replied. "Thanks fer all yer help on the farm, hon!"
"Flim?!" Flam said out of concern.
"Well howdy there, brother!" Flim greeted. "Fancy seein' you still here! How long was Ah gone fer?"
"Sweet Celestia, Flim what have they done to you?!"
"Ah dunno what yer talkin' about, buddy. Ah feel just fine! Boy howdy, them are some real nice ponies! And that Applejack! Shoot, what a girl!"
"Flim just wait right here, my dear brother! I'll go get a blunt object to strike you with!"
Flim dozed off in his chair in the office that he and his brother shared as it was a very slow day for business. With an ice pack atop his head from a domestic assault he had received from his sibling the previous day, he instead of taking a short nap, slipped into a deep slumber. The office was quiet enough to hear the faint ticking of Flam's favorite pocket watch that was inside a safe within several other safes under the floor boards.
It seemed as if they may not get so much as a single customer today and to the tired and sore Flim, that was just fine. The office was dusted, the newest inventory was serviced and polished to a perfect shine and all of the paperwork was filled out and filed to their proper box. The only thing for Flim to do now was rest to his heart's content.
"Ohhh Flimmonatorrrr!" Flam sang out as he burst through the office door, jarring Flim from his nap. "Wakey wakey or my hooves crush your trachie!"
"Gahh!" Flim winced as his headache made an abrupt return. "Thanks a lot, Flam! First you break my golf trophy over my head and now you come in here screaming like that and threaten to choke me! Have some mercy for Celestia's sake!"
"Well Flim, it's hardly my fault that those horrible Apples brainwashed you like that."
Aside from his headache, Flim was getting all the more angry with Flam insulting his new friends he had made in the Apple family as his pain worsened, making for a vicious cycle.
"Flam, I'm not going to tell you again..." Flim said through his teeth, his eyes tightly shut from the pain he was enduring. "They didn't brainwash me. That and I'll have you know that the Apple family happens to be a bunch of wonderful, honest, hard working ponies and I have had the great pleasure of better getting to know them yesterday."
"Aww, my widdle baby brudder getting all cwanky?" Flam mocked. "Maybe he should take his widdle nappy wappy so he can go pway wid his widdle girlf-OW!"
Flim responded to his older brother's insults by hurling his ice pack at him as hard as his aura would allow, hitting him directly in the muzzle. After Flam regained his composure, the two brothers stood glued to their positions and stared each other down, waiting for the other to make a move. Suddenly, Flim stood up on his desk and leaped towards Flam, his horn aglow and ready to fire. Flam was preparing to blast his younger brother into the next season and if they were not careful, their office would not be spared any damage.
"Um, excuse me but I'm looking for..Um, oh my goodness..."
The battle of the brothers was suddenly interrupted by a quiet little voice at the entrance of their office. Flam snapped his head into the voice's direction as Flim screeched to a halt narrowly missing slamming into the former with enough force to hospitalize both of them.
"Oh I'm sorry, is this a bad time?" A yellow Pegasus mare with a long flowing pink mane and teal eyes said. "I-I can come back later i-if you don't mind that is."
"Oh, no trouble at all, miss!" Flam reassured.
"You couldn't have come at a better time, dear!" Flim beamed. "Why, I was just in the process of running up to my brother and was about to give him a great big hug. Wasn't I, Flam?"
"But of course! What's the best brother in the world for, am I right?"
"Oh that's nice." The relieved mare said. "Well if you two have the time, I'd like help picking out a car."
"And we'd be delighted to assist you in finding the perfect vehicle that suits your needs." Flam said. "With us by your side, you'll be driving away in your dream car, miss..."
"Oh, um it's Fluttershy. We've met a few times before.
"I don't recall."
"It was a few years back during cider season when you had that big cider squeezy thingy."
"I have no recollection of such an event." Flim denied.
"You two did a whole five minute musical number about it. You don't remember?"
"Oh we remember that part, we just don't recall you being there."
"I don't usually make much noise."
"So, what kinds of capabilities are you looking for in a vehicle, Miss Fluttershy?" Flam asked.
"Well, I spend a lot of my time taking care of animals so something that could carry a lot of them at the same time would be nice."
"Do you know Applejack by any chance?" Flim inquired.
"Oh for Pete's sake!" Flam huffed. "You just won't shut up about that mare, will you!?"
"The reason I ask, Miss, is simply because she just purchased a large pick up truck from us yesterday. Would something like that fit the ticket?"
"Why yes, she's a very good friend of mine." Fluttershy replied. "I saw her new truck but I think I'd rather have something a bit more enclosed."
"Ah, then perhaps we can narrow it down." Flam said. "Let's go to the North end of the lot. I have an idea of what might work for you."
"Now, if it's passenger capacity that you're looking for, miss..." Flim began. "Perhaps You'd like a sport utility vehicle. We have a great selection of nice, roomy ones here."
"I think we even have a Caprice station wagon sitting around the back somewhere." Flam added. "It's a lot like the Buick the local Miss Rarity purchased recently."
"Or perhaps you'd like something along the lines of this Dodge Durango here. It seats eight and it's got a Hemi."
"Or if you want yet even more space, you might like this Chevrolet Suburban."
"Um, I'm not really sure I can afford something the size of my house." Fluttershy said. "They're...nice...but I don't think something quite that huge is in my budget. Otherwise they would be just fine."
"Ah of course, Miss." Flam replied. "Not to worry, we have plenty of other slightly smaller and more affordable ones."
"Let's take a look at the vans, shall we?" Flim said.
After a moment of trotting to the section where the brothers kept their van inventory, they brought her attention to a particular specimen that was both sizable and more affordable than the others they offered.
"How about this Chevrolet Astro here?" Flam asked as he pointed at a large, boxy vehicle. It was roughly the same height as the other vehicles the brothers previously showed but it was a few feet shorter. Its color was a dark green and it appeared to be about as streamlined as Fluttershy's pet bear. Be that at is may, it would most likely have no trouble accommodating him.
"This is a 2005 model." Flim added. "It features a 4.3 litre V6 vortec engine and this particular specimen has the optional all wheel drive package."
"That does sound good." Fluttershy replied. "How much?"
"All yours for nine thousand and one bits." Flam answered.
"Oh..."
"A little on the pricey side, I take it?" Flim asked.
"Well...yes. It's just a skosh too expensive. You see, I don't make a whole lot for what I do so I'm okay with getting something cheaper."
"No worries, Miss." Flam said. "Let's take a look at our smaller minivans, shall we?"
"This 2004 Honda Odyssey has your name written all over it." Flim said as he trotted over to a smaller silver coloured vehicle.
The van looked much sleeker much more streamlined than the other ones Fluttershy had seen before. It was over ten years old but obviously it was very well taken care of by its previous owner. There was not a single spot of rust nor dent nor chip on the paint. The tires appeared to be brand new as well and a nicely polished chrome "H" complimented the grille just above the front bumper. This minivan would be just what Fluttershy needs...
"If only it were a bit bigger." Fluttershy sighed as her head hung low. "I bet I could afford it but then there wouldn't quite be enough room for all of my an-Oh my goodness! Is that yellow one really only three thousand bits?!"
"Which one are you talking about, Madame?" Flam asked as the excited pagasus bolted over to the vehicle in question.
"This one right over here! It's perfect!"
"Um, miss?" Flim said as he and his brother joined Fluttershy by the massive yellow machine. "That's a school bus."
"I know! It's so big yet so affordable! I could carry every animal in the entire greater Ponyville area with this!"
What Fluttershy was so excited over was a 1987 Ford Econoline conversion van with a two piece sliding door on the curb side, a standard van door on the driver's side and four windows just behind them each with its own small bench seat. It was mostly yellow with a substantial amount of rust and many areas of the paint were faded into a slightly off white colour. Though the tires looked fairly decent with dual rear wheels on the back, the over all condition of the bus was outright deplorable.
"Are you sure you want this one?" Flam asked, trying to make it sound as unappealing as possible. "It's almost thirty years old."
"That's not so bad." Fluttershy said.
"It has over a million miles on it." Flim added. "That and it only get seven miles to the gallon."
"I wouldn't drive it a whole lot." Fluttershy replied. "Just to get my animals around a little bit. That's all."
"Uh, Flam?" Flim said. "May I have a word with you for a moment, brother?"
"I was about to ask you the same." Flam replied. "Please excuse us for a moment, Miss."
The two salesponies then trotted a few yards away to talk over a potential deal that could make them a modest amount of money but still allow them to keep their souls. The vehicle was an eyesore in their lot but their moral consciences were screaming at them to do the right thing.
"Flam, we only paid two hundred and fifty bits for this thing at the auction." Flim whispered to Flam. "Surely we don't have to charge this sweet mare three thousand for it."
"I think you're right for once, Flim." Flam replied. "The thing leaks about every type of fluid you can think of and I'm quite sure that weird whining sound is coming from the steering pump."
"Oh wow, It's a stick shift!" Fluttershy beamed as she observed the interior. "This will be so much fun!"
"The thing's a pile of cow patty." Flim said. "let's sell it to her for two. That way we can sleep at night."
"I agree, Flim." Flam replied. "Miss Fluttershy, if you really like that bus so much, you can have it for two thousand bits."
"Oh my!" Fluttershy gasped. "You mean it? Oh my goodness! I-I don't know what to say!"
After joining the two brothers in their office, Fluttershy filled out the paperwork, wrote out her check and prepared to drive her new machine home. She pressed the clutch pedal, cranked the engine over and after a few sputters and a nasty backfire, she was off. She waved back to the two whom had sold her the bus and after the muffler fell off, she disappeared down the road leaving a thick cloud of black smoke in her wake.
"Flim?" Flam said as the two waved to Fluttershy.
"Yes Flam?" Flim replied.
"We're going to Tartarus, aren't we?"
"No! There's still something we can do! We might take a loss on it but it's our souls at stake here! C'mon, I have an idea!"
The next day...
Dear Miss Fluttershy:
We at Flim Flam Bros. Used Autos Inc. would like to thank you for your business and we hope you enjoy your purchase. We are writing to you to extend another offer to you our valued customer to further enhance your experience with your vehicle. For the next full year, if anything goes wrong with it, bring it back to our dealership and we will service it free of charge. This includes not only repairs but scheduled maintenance as well. Need a new exhaust system? No problem! Radiator leaks? We will fix it! Oil change or brake service due? Leave it to us! Again, we thank you for your business and we hope we don't burn for all eternity to see you again.
Yours truly
Flim and Flam
"Oh wow, that's so nice of them." Fluttershy said after reading the letter the brothers sent to her. "Come to think of it, I think it could use a little work sometime soon. I can't wait to tell everypony in Ponyville what they would do for them!"
Later that day...
"Uh Flam?" Flim said as he observed a sea of eager looking ponies flooding the lot in front of their office. "I think our souls are in the clear."
"Oh...Oh my." Flam said as he looked out the window. "Well...word spreads fast in a small community..."
"See? What did I tell you? By doing the right thing for a change, we not only saved our souls but now business will be on the uptick!"
"That's all swell but we may want to hire some extra help soon. We'll need it if we're going to get the time to go to auctions and replenish our inventory."
"Less talking, more selling. These ponies are here to buy!"
"You know, Flim..." Flam began as the two brothers entered their office to start the work day, each carrying a mug of coffee in their auras. "We really need to take a day off. I think we should call up some of the applicants and do some interviewing today."
"Uhh yeah, sure." Flim replied, still half asleep. "I'm just going to take a seat for a moment."
Flim wasted no time getting to his comfy chair behind his desk while Flam took a seat in his own. The brothers' reputation as honest salesponies had gotten around town as of late thus leading to a substantial increase in business. Though this was a very good thing and exactly what the brothers wanted, the fact that they had been working all day every day was beginning to wear on them. It had been nearly two months since either of them had a day to just relax and recover from their exhaustion.
As tired as they were, they still had work to do but hopefully, they would soon be able to hire some extra help to take some of the burden off of them. As Flam continued to sip his coffee, he really began to ponder what the next few weeks would be like and if they could even take much more of this if they didn't get an assistant or two hired soon. Though it would be difficult, Flam always took pride in getting through a tough situation alongside his brother.
"You know something, Flim?" Flam began as he flipped though the inventory papers. "I think I speak for the two of us when I say we need a vacation. I know we've been busting our flanks and I know we still have a ton of work to do before we can actually get a break but we'll get through it. Like Dad always said, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel."
Flam paused for a moment to take a few more sips from his coffee and then continued with his pep talk.
"I'm sorry I've been so hard on you lately, brother. I've just been thr-er, we've both been through a lot and running our business on as little sleep as we have hasn't been kind to either of us. But just remember, as tired as we get and as much work we have left to do with so little time will pay off in the end. That's what Dad has always told us and...well. Flim, I know I don't tell you this enough and I know that we've had our disagreements. I know that we're under a lot of pressure but...I love you, brother. I don't ever want you to forget that."
It was not often when the two brothers had a nice talk such as this and even less often when they said they loved each other. Though they were dealing with a lot as of late, Flam's nice little speech would surely help motivate them both to keep up their work and finally take a break when they had some help. The only problem was that much to Flam's confusion, Flim was not responding to the elder brother's heartfelt words.
"Flim?" Flam said as he turned to his brother, only to get a loud snore in response. "Flim! Are you sleeping?!"
"I'll be back to feed your cats in the morning, Granny Smith!" Flim blurted out in his sleep.
"Flim, you stupid fart!"
The irritated Flam then slammed his hoof down on his desk, giving Flim quite the rude awakening. Having just been jarred out of his sleep, Flim did not know what to make of his older brother staring daggers at him while at the same time, his eyes watered up. It was a confusing sight to say the least.
"Flam?" Flim asked. "What, uhh...what's going on? You okay, big guy?"
Flam said nothing. Instead he continued to glare at his worried brother and snort out of his nose with each breath he took.
"Flam, I think this whole lack of sleep thing has done more damage than we originally tho-"
"Forget you, Flim!" Flam yelled in his brother's face. "You ruined the moment!"
"W-what moment?"
"I said I love you, you dumb punk!"
"I-I love you too, Fla-"
"Bwahahahaha! You guys are hilarious!" A female voice at the front door laughed. The brothers then turned their attention to a light blue Pegasus mare with a rainbow mane and tail, holding a small box of popcorn. "As fun as this is to watch, I got stuff to do so the sooner we can hurry things along, the sooner I can get outta here and turn more heads than usual."
"Ah, Miss Rainbow Dash." Flam deadpanned. "How long were you over there watching us?"
"I walked in right behind your tired flanks! Oh wow, I can't believe you didn't notice! Hahaha!"
"Please, just cut us some slack, Miss." Flim nearly pleaded. "We're in no condition to deal with anypony harassing us today."
"Who said I was gonna harass you?" Rainbow Dash asked, sounding somewhat offended. "I'm here to spend money. You oughtta be glad I'm here."
"So you don't wish to press us into 'jerk cider'?" Flam asked.
"Wow, you actually remember that?"
"I don't forget much."
"Look, I think we started the day on the wrong hoof." Flim said. "Flam, clearly she knows that we mean to do honest, legitimate business with the good folk of Ponyville, otherwise she wouldn't be here right now."
"Yeah, Applejack just won't shut up about that truck she bought from you guys." Rainbow Dash said. "Rarity spends more time polishing her station wa-"
"It's called an estate car!" Rarity yelled from the distance.
"Right. She keeps polishing her 'estate car' and Fluttershy seems to really like that bus of hers. That and she, well...let's just say she's learned a lot from it."
Meanwhile, at Fluttershy's cottage...
"Angel, could you get me the half inch socket, please?" Fluttershy asked her bunny companion as she reached a hoof out from under her bus. "Hmm...this ought to do it. I think I've done it!"
The yellow mare then slid herself out from under the bus on a rolling bench. More of her was covered in grease than not as she had recently taken to doing her own repair work. The up and coming mechanic tossed her ratchet back into her tool box and began to wipe her face with a cloth.
"Okay, so I've replaced the muffler, fixed the brakes, tuned the engine, flushed the coolant and transmission and serviced the clutch. I think she's ready for our field trip to Las Pegasus! Okay, everyone on the bus!"
Instead of matching Fluttershy's enthusiasm, Angel just stood there glaring up at his owner.
"What's wrong now, Angel?" Fluttershy asked.
Angel responded by wiping his paw on Fluttershy's leg and proceeded to show her the big blob of grease that he pulled from her.
"Oh, right. I guess I could use a bath then. Heheheh."
"Miss Rainbow Dash, we cannot express our delight!" Flim sang as he skipped down the lot.
"This seems oddly familiar." Rainbow Dash said.
"It's abundantly clear that somewhere out here is the car that will suit you just right." Flam joined in.
"I don't like this. Just stop, okay?"
"Oh. Um, our apologies, Miss."
"No biggie. It's just not really necessary."
"Fair enough." Flim said. "So, you must be looking for something with power and speed if I'm not mistaken?"
"You know it. I was thinking of something like a...like a...what's that over there?"
Rainbow Dash pointed towards the sport car section of the lot and before Flim and Flam could turn their heads in that direction, the eager Pegasus bolted over. Within three seconds, she closed the one hundred yard distance between where she stood before the car in question that caught her attention. The brothers were still on the tired side so they made their way over to join their customer as fast as they could which was not very fast at all.
"Hey c'mon, pick it up a bit will ya?" Rainbow Dash said. "I don't have all day! You guys move like slugs compared to the last time I saw you. What gives?"
"Chronic sleep deprivation by working all day, every day." Flim replied as he and Flam finally reached their speedy customer. "At this rate, we'll have cut our life expectancy in half within the next year or two."
"My chest hurts." Flam said.
"Oh. Uh, my bad. Sooo..how about this sweet ride, eh?"
"Ah yes, a fine specimen of an automobile indeed." Flam agreed.
"It's a 2006 Dodge charger." Flim added.
"This particular specimen was used as a 'state' police car in a far away land called upstate New York."
"That so?" Rainbow Dash asked. "I've always wondered what it'd be like to ride in the front for a change."
"Uh, what exactly do you mean by that?" Flim asked.
"Flim, perhaps we should stick to the task at hoof."
"Ah, of course. Anyways, Miss, I think you'd appreciate the powerful 5.7 litre Hemi this car comes with and the sleek, sexy lines of the body."
"Dude, this thing is pretty sexy." Rainbow Dash said. "A bit too bulky for my taste though. Got anything sexier?"
"Let's move on to the coupes then, shall we?" Flam said.
"Last one there's a rotten egghead!"
"Not again!" Flim sighed as Rainbow Dash bolted away. "We don't have the energy for this!"
The brothers then slowly made their way over to the sport coupe section where their energetic customer was waiting. When they caught their breath, they noticed that Rainbow Dash was hovering around an impressive looking Chevrolet Camaro.
"This one's pretty hot!" Rainbow Dash said.
"Ah, the 2010 Chevrolet Camaro." Flim said. "The power behind that 3.6 litre V6 is truly impressive.
"Awe, it's only got a sixbanger? I'll pass. Oh hey, you got any convertibles?"
"Well yes but most of the ones we have here feature either a four or six cylinder." Flam replied.
"Then what am I supposed to-oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosssshhh! That! What is that!?"
As quick as a flash, Rainbow Dash once again darted over to something that was worthy of her attention and once again, the exhausted salesponies had to follow suit. When they arrived at the scene, they met their customer who was salivating over a true legend of the automotive industry. A 2013 Ferrari 458 Convertible.
"You like what you see, Miss Dash?" Flim asked.
"W-want...Th-this car is want by me..." Rainbow Dash babbled as she continued to drool.
"What does she do for a living?" Flam whispered to Flim. "Can she even afford this?"
"I think she works with the local weather team." Flim replied. "Last time I checked, that doesn't get one into the fortune five-hundred."
"I can afford it!" Rainbow Dash retorted. "How much is it?"
"Two-hundred and fifty thousand bits."
Flim was right and Rainbow Dash knew it. There was no way she could afford this car she so badly wanted. Though the car was out of her budget range by a long shot, she did recall what Applejack and Rarity had told her about their buying experience. If she could not buy the car, she could at least get behind the wheel and drive it.
"Mind if I test it out?" Rainbow asked as she batted her eyelashes. "Just to see how it handles. pretty please?"
If there was one weakness the two brothers had, it was seemingly innocent requests from pretty mares. Though they had their doubts, they gave each other a brief glance before turning back to Rainbow Dash who was now displaying a set of so-called "puppy dog eyes".
"Oh alright, young lady." Flam said as he levitated a set of keys to the now ecstatic mare. "Just be careful with her and don't go too far."
"And be mindful of the oomph this beast has, dear." Flim added. "Remember, she's got more horsepower than the Royal Gua-"
Vroom! Screeeeeeeeeech!
Without another word, the overly eager Pegasus turned it over, put in in gear and tore off like a vampire fruit bat out of Tartarus. The two brothers could do nothing but watch as the most expensive vehicle they had disappeared down the street before they could remember that they were and always would be suckers for a pretty face.
"Flim?" Flam asked.
"Yes, Flam?" Flim replied.
"I think we just made a terrible mistake."
"I agree one-hundred percent."
Rainbow Dash zoomed down the streets of Ponyville as fast as she could without causing a massacre and mowing down the townsponies who would have been unlucky enough to have gotten in her way. Though she wanted to push this car to it's limit, she wasn't about to do it at the expense of other's lives. She needed to find a less crowded area.
"Time to take this beast off road!" Rainbow Dash beamed.
The overly excited Rainbow Dash then sped towards the nearest dead end and before she knew it, she was careening down a grassy meadow. Knowing very little about cars, she was ignorant to the fact that a Ferrari is not made for any terrain other than flat, smooth asphalt. She was getting slightly disappointed at the sudden decrease in speed as the grass she was driving though became thicker and taller with every passing second. She still wanted to push this car to it's max so she shifted into it's sixth gear, gaining a substantial amount of speed as a result. It was then, when she got what was possibly one of the worst ideas she ever had.
"Awww yeahhh, Gasly Gorge, here I come!" Rainbow Dash shouted.
Gastly Gorge had its fair share of flat terrain in the general area but it was dangerously close to the gorge itself. Being as bold and brash as she was, Rainbow Dash failed to keep in mind the risks of high speeds near a large drop off. Surly she would still come to her senses and decide against such a foolish idea, especially with a machine that costs as much as her salary over several years.
Just a few minutes later, the speed and adrenaline crazed mare reached Gastly Gorge and the second the wheels touched flat rock, she shifted into the car's seventh and final gear. With the top down, she had the wind blowing through her mane like she always loved more than just about anything. The car was screaming down the flat rock at top speed but Rainbow Dash was still not satisfied. She still wanted more.
"Hmm, I wonder if this thing flies any faster." Rainbow said to herself.
One Hour Later...
"I'm sure it'll be just fine." Flam said as he tried to reassure his brother and himself that they need not worry. "I hear she's training to be a wonderbolt. Surely she's smart enough to bring the car back in one piece."
"Oh, perhaps you're right, Flam." Flim replied as he calmed down. "She's a sensible girl, I'm confident she knows what she's doing."
"Uhh, guys?" A worried and guilty looking Rainbow Dash said. "Question for ya."
"Miss Rainbow Dash!" Flim exclaimed. "Where's the car?!"
"Uhh yeah, about that..."
"What...did you...do?!" Flam asked, his face as red as the Ferrari's paint job.
"H-hey, hold up there." Rainbow Dash nervously stuttered. "Let's not go jumping to conclusions, alright? It's not my fault the flying mechanism didn't work."
"Cars don't fly..." Flim said through his teeth.
"Ohhhh...Wow, do I feel silly. I'll tell you what happened. Promise me you won't be mad."
"NO!" Both brothers shouted in unison.
"The car's on fire on the bottom of Gastly Gorge! I'm sorry, okay?!"
"Flam! Your blood pressure medicine!" Flim shouted. "Take it now! And you! You complete idiot! We should have you arrested for this! That car was worth six years of your weather team salary!"
"As if we aren't already stressed enough!" Flam screamed after swallowing a small hooffull of pills. "Do you have any idea what we've been going through?! My brother and I have been working so hard every single day, hard pressed to get somepony hired and then you come along and destroy our most expensive...wait a minute. Flim, a word, please?"
In the middle of Flam's rant, he paused for a moment to think about what he had just said. The two brothers were always ones to try and make the best out of something, no matter the situation. As they stepped away to have a moment to talk things over, they realized that this would be no exception and something good may come from this after all.
Rainbow Dash was never much for showing it when she was nervous but as the two salesponies who she now owed a debt to trotted towards her, she anxiously awaited to hear about the decision they had made. The more they stalled, the more the wait felt like torture to Rainbow Dash. One could even say that they did it on purpose just to spite her.
"Congratulations, Miss Dash!" Flim beamed as he hoofed over a white and blue striped vest and a name tag to Rainbow Dash. "You've just bought yourself a car and are now an employee of Flim Flam Brothers Used Autos Inc!"
"You'll be starting immediately!" Flam said. "You'll be working for us until the damage is paid off! Now if you'll excuse us, we have some bags to pack! I was thinking Las Pegasus, how about you, Flim?"
"You read my mind, Flam."
"Well..." Rainbow Dash began as she fitted herself with her new uniform. "Could be worse, I guess."
"Ohhh, well working too hard can give you a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!" Rainbow Dash sang Billy Joel to herself as she polished the fenders of a Cadillac. "You oughtta know by nowww!"
Flim and Flam were taking a much needed and well deserved vacation in the city of Las Pegasus, leaving Rainbow Dash to run the dealership in their absence. It had been a full week since the brothers left and it would be another before their return. The last several days had been slow as Rainbow Dash only sold an average of two to three cars per day as most of the residents of Ponyville had already gotten one of their own. Most of the customers were from neighboring towns lately.
Overall, Rainbow Dash found her new job to be quite easy. All she had to do was show up at nine o'clock each morning, sell cars, fill out some paperwork, keep the office clean and polish some cars in between customers. It was nothing she could not handle. Today was especially simple as she had yet to get her first customer of the day, giving her spare time to learn more about automobiles. There were few things in life that Rainbow Dash felt were worth spending a lot of time learning about but she had found quite the interest in cars as of late. If the delicate little Fluttershy could learn to perform clutch repairs as quickly as she had, then Rainbow Dash could at least learn the basics of how an engine worked.
Rainbow continued to hum to herself as she finished waxing the last car that needed it and proceeded to go to the service garage where she would spend some time. The floors inside needed to be mopped and she figured it would be a good time to get a good look at some of the under hood components of the current project car and maybe learn a few things about them.
During what little spare time they had, Flim and Flam had told Rainbow Dash through idle conversation that they were restoring a 1959 Cadillac Sedan Deville. The impressive piece of automotive history sat up on a set of jack stands in the back of the garage, just waiting to be finished. Even though the paint had been scraped off down to bare primer, Rainbow Dash stared in awe at the nearly twenty foot car that sat before her, images of what it would look like all finished going through her mind. To see one of these hard to find gems was a rare treat to the assistant salespony.
"Sweet ride, isn't it?" Said a squeaky, high pitched voice, startling Rainbow Dash.
"Bwa!" Rainbow Dash yelped. "Pinkie! What are you doing in the trunk?!"
"Oh, Dashie..." The pink mare said as she hopped out of the trunk of the massive classic car. "You know better than to question my logic."
"What logic?"
"Exactly!"
"Okay but that still doesn't excuse the fact that you were messing around with my boss's priceless show car."
"What, this old junk heap?"
"This junk heap is one of the most coveted, sought after pieces of machinery who's trunk you've ever hidden inside. It's an old clunker now but just you wait til this thing's restored. Hey, speaking of cars..."
"Uh huh?"
"Did you get one yet?"
"That's why I'm here, silly!"
"Cool. I was getting kinda bored with all the cleaning today so I'll show you what we've got."
Being pleased by the change of pace brought on by her friend's presence, Rainbow Dash eagerly led an even more eager Pinkie Pie out to the car lot. Though the two had been close friends for many years, Rainbow Dash still was not quite sure what kinds of features the party mare would need in a vehicle. Realizing that she does tend to carry around large, bulky equipment, The new salespony took her friend over to the pick-up trucks.
"So lemme guess..." Rainbow Dash began. "You need something to lug your party cannon around, right?"
"Yes indeedy!" Pinkie replied.
"That and a bunch of other stuff?"
"You betcha!"
"Okay, how about one of these?"
The vehicle in question was a mid sized pick-up that surely would be just the right size for carrying Pinkie's party supplies. The truck was a slate gray in color and featured a full crew cab for carrying other ponies too. Being as that is usually what the crazy pink mare does, this particular vehicle should be just what she needs.
"Check it out, Pinks." Rainbow Dash said. "This is a 2008 Dodge Dakota. Fully loaded with a crew cab, four wheel drive and a 4.7 litre V8. Not too big, not too small. I think this one's perfect for you. No no, no need to thank me so much. You're very, very welcome."
"I don't want it." Pinkie said cheerfully.
"W-what? Why not? It's just right for you!"
"Dashie, only I know what's right for me and I know what's right is something smaller. Much smaller."
"Okay fine, Pinkie. Just a little further down, we have the smallest trucks you can find. How about this one?"
"Oooh, that is a tiny little bugger! What is it?"
"A 1981 Volkswagan Rabbit. The only front wheel drive production truck known to ponykind. It's got a diesel and two rear facing seats just behind the cab for when you wanna carry some friends around."
"Coolio! Now where are the cars that I really wanna look at?"
"What, you don't like this one either?"
"I don't want a truck."
Rainbow Dash paused for a moment to pull a small rubber ball out of her vest pocket and repeatedly squish it on the ground with her hoof in an attempt to calm herself. She was always a hot headed mare and with a trigger such as Pinkie Pie around, she had to try her best keep from doing something that could cost her a close friend.
"Pinkie?..." Rainbow Dash said quietly.
"Yeah, Dashie?"
"Why did you let me show you the trucks when the whole time, you didn't even want one?!"
"Well duh! I wanted a tour. Now I'm ready to look at what I want."
"And that is..."
"A compact!"
"But...your party cannon...and that stupid exploding wagon of yours..."
"Uh huh? What about them?"
"You know what? Never mind, just follow me, okay?"
The two friends then trotted to the South-East side of the lot where the smaller economy cars were kept. The tiny vehicles that sat on the pavement looked as if they could fit into Rarity's Buick and still leave enough room for several passengers. Some of these cars might even fit inside the trunks of the average mid-sized sedans.
"Sheesh, who needs a spare tire if you got one of these?" Rainbow Dash said. "Just keep one of these in the trunk and if you get a flat, you got a spare car!"
"And that's the kinda thing I'm looking for!" Pinkie replied.
"Alright, well on the topic of VWs, this one here would probably be really you. This is a 1974 Beetle. An air cooled four cylinder in the rear and a nice, spacious trunk in the front to carry whatever stuff you need."
"Sorry, Dashie." Pinkie said. "Still too big."
"What the-how? How is this thing too big?!"
"Just is."
Once again, Rainbow Dash used her stress ball and was very aggressively squishing it on the ground, her face turning a bright shade of red. After a moment of relieving her anger, she calmed down and proceeded to lead Pinkie down the lot.
"I bet you'd like this '71 AMC Gremlin." Rainbow Dash said.
"Powertrain?"
"238 cubic inch straight six."
"Gas mileage?"
"Seventeen on the highway, going down hill, with the wind at your back during a blue moon when all the planets are aligned."
"I don't want it."
"What do you want then, Pinkie?! You can't get much smaller than this Geo Metro here."
"Now that's more like it!"
"Yes! Thank you! Jeez, I thought we were gonna go nowhere all day!"
"Meh, it's still not exactly what I'm looking for but I guess I'll settle with tha-hello, what's this?"
"What's what?"
"This!"
Just a few cars down, Pinkie spotted a car in particular that she found to be quite interesting. She eagerly bounced over to the vehicle in question and proceeded to look over what little of the actual car there was, the look in her eyes that of fascination and sheer desire.
"What are you looking at, Pinkie?" A confused Rainbow Dash asked.
"This car here, silly." Pinkie replied.
"Where? I don't see a car here."
Pinkie then pointed towards the ground at the object that caught her attention. Rainbow Dash then looked down to see what resembled some type of "vehicle" that neither of the ponies had ever seen nor even imagined before. The car was a shade of dark blue, had two wheels in the front, one in the rear, and appeared to be able to seat no more than one very small pony.
"Did somepony's foal lose a toy?!" Rainbow Dash hollered as she looked around for anypony appearing to be missing something.
"No, Dashie, this is a car!" Pinkie replied. "And it's mine now!"
"Seriously?"
"Yup!"
"Why?"
"Because I'm buying it."
"There is no way you're gonna fit your party cannon in this...this...what the heck is this even?"
"Dunno. This tag on it might tell us though."
"Okay, hang on a sec."
Rainbow Dash paused for a moment to read the tag and find out as much about this admittedly fascinating vehicle as she could. The more she scanned the page, the harder it became for her to stifle laughter.
"Okay, so here's the deal." Rainbow Dash said as she began to explain to Pinkie what they were looking at. "This is a 1963 Peel P50. It's got a forty-nine CC two stroke moped engine, top speed about thirty-five miles an hour and gets...one hundred miles to the gallon. wow, that's...amazing actually."
"This is my dream car!" Pinkie beamed.
"This thing looks like Fisher Price (R) and a Ford Taurus had a baby!" Rainbow Dash said in disgust.
"This thing is adorable!"
"You could fit this thing in a saddle bag!"
"So?"
"So this thing is ridiculous! You can hardly fit yourself in it, let alone you and your stuff! And worst of all, it's so slow! That's horrible!"
"I have my ways, Dashie. And what did I say about questioning my logic?"
"Again, what logic?"
"See? You know better. So let's talk business. How much for this masterpiece?"
"Uhh, let's see. It says...five thousand bits?! These guys are outta their minds!"
"Well it's an antique and there are only a few hundred known to exist anymore. This thing's a rare gem."
Pinkie Pie finally found just what she was looking for and before they knew it, the two ponies were in the office filling out the registration and title. The crazy pink mare then wrote the flabbergasted salespony a check and was out the door about to try out her new ride. Wanting to see exactly how pathetic the car was, Rainbow Dash followed Pinkie outside to watch her drive it away, if it would at all. The latter was ready to go and kick-started the engine. Before she left however, she felt compelled to give her friend a parting gift.
"Hey, Dashie?" Pinkie called out from inside her car.
"Yeah, Pinks?" Rainbow Dash replied.
"Smile!"
Before Rainbow Dash could answer, Pinkie stuck the business end of her party cannon out the open door and pointed it directly at her. Seeing that it was loaded with frosting and confetti, the mortified Pegasus could do nothing but stand there frozen and await the sugar storm that was about to rain down upon her.
Boom!
Pinkie gave Rainbow Dash a taste of her signature confection ammunition and then proceeded to peel out and tear off down the street. With anypony else behind the wheel, the car would never squeal a tire and would go no faster than thirty-five miles per hour. Pinkie on the other hoof, was a force to be reckoned with and once again proved that with her around, anything is possible. Rainbow Dash just sat there in a heap of frosting and chunks of cake as Pinkie sped away at twice the car's specified top speed.
"At a hundred miles to the gallon, I bet this thing's cheaper than trotting!" Pinkie beamed as she disappeared off into the distance.
"As long as I live..." Rainbow Dash sighed as she continued to sit in the frosting. "...I'll never get that girl figured out..."
"Well Miss Dash, I must say, I'm impressed with your performance in our absence." Flam said as he observed the paperwork from the past two weeks. "You've sold some pretty pricey cars and kept the place very clean."
"Well would you just look at that, Flam?" Flim said. "She even sold that stupid little Peel! I was starting to wonder if we'd ever get rid of that thing!"
"Hey, you know, it's nothing I can't handle." Rainbow Dash bragged. "I guess I was just born to sell."
The previous day...
"You know, Fancypants..." Rainbow dash said in a sultry tone. "You'd look sooo hot in this Mercedes."
"Y-you think s-so, Miss?" The rich unicorn stuttered as Rainbow Dash looked up at him, her eyes half lidded.
"Oh, I know so."
Rainbow Dash then proceeded to stand next to Fancy pants and place her right hoof around his shoulder, giving him a good whiff of her perfume. She never usually wore scents before but she figured that in this line of work, it could gain her the upper hoof with stallions and certain mares.
"You see..." She continued. "A stud like you should always try to look his best. With all this new technology taking Equestria by storm lately, it would be a real shame for you to not reach your full potential. There's always gonna be one of those other rich dudes you hang out with who's gonna try to one-up you. If you take one of these beauties right here, you can make it a lot harder for them to do that. Am I right or am I right?"
"H-how much is this, again?" The now sweating and blushing stallion asked.
"Sixty-two thousand."
"Double it."
"I'm still not sure how you managed to sell that Merc for twice our asking price..." Flim began. "...but it certainly looks like you have a knack for this."
"Thank you for holding the fort down for us." Flam said. "We needed that vacation like nopony's business. You may take the rest of the day and tomorrow off, dear."
"Sweet!" Rainbow Dash replied. "Alright, catch you two later."
Rainbow Dash hung up her vest on the hook that jutted out from the wall in the office and took her leave. She had been working hard to pay off the debt she owed and was off to a good start. Not only was she beginning to make a good dent in her tab, but she was actually enjoying the job.
"What do you think she's doing to sell all the most expensive cars we have, Flam?" Flim asked his brother.
"Beats me, Flim." Flam replied. "All I know is she has a technique down and one that wor-"
"Help! Help!" A voice yelled from outside the office door.
As soon as Flim and Flam looked into the voice's general direction, a lavender colored mare burst through the front door, slammed it shut and frantically darted into the drawer of a large filing cabinet. Shortly after, a small crowd of ponies wielding cameras ran by the window. After a moment of trying to mentally process what just happened, the mare in question slowly opened the drawer.
"Are they gone?" The obviously upset mare whimpered as her horn poked out from her hiding spot.
"I think so, madame." Flim replied as he looked out the window to see nopony in sight.
"Who were those lunatics?" Flam asked.
"Paparazzi." The mare answered as she emerged from the filing cabinet, revealing her wings.
The two brothers could not believe their eyes. Their guest was an alicorn princess and she was hiding from crazed paparazzi in their office. As odd as the day was beginning to turn out, it was certainly an honor to have a member of royalty seek cover in their humble auto store.
"Princess Twilight!" The brothers exclaimed in unison as they bowed.
"Gentlecolts, will you please not do that?" Twilight asked. "I appreciate the gesture but if there's one thing I'll never get used to, it's ponies bowing before me. It's just...not who I am."
"Don't be so modest, your majesty." Flam said as he and Flim got back off the floor. "Being a princess is something you should emb-"
"Please, just call me Twilight. Really guys, I'm at my wits end with all this. I'm still the same girl I always was. The title hasn't changed who I am at all."
"Well that's really sweet of you, your ma-er Twilight." Flim said.
"Thank you. You see, that's kind of why I'm here. I was trotting over when I started getting followed by all those ponies. Now that almost everypony in town has gotten a vehicle of their own though, I think the time is right for me to do the same."
"Um, forgive me, miss but I'm not sure if we have the type of car you'd be looking for."
"I agree." Flam added. "We haven't any Rolls Royces in stock and we don't expect to be getting any in for quite some time."
"You see, Twilight, your friend Rainbow Dash has sold most of our cars that would be fit for you."
"Oh I know you guys have just what I'm looking for." Twilight assured. "Let's just go outside and I'll point it out to you."
After looking in all directions for any signs of crazed fan ponies, The brothers signaled to their royal customers that the coast was clear. The three of them trotted out of the office with Twilight in the lead. Much to the salesponies' surprise and confusion, Twilight made here way towards the standard, common, every day, bit a dozen, average pony Joe cars.
"Gentlecolts..." Twilight began. "I bet you two are wondering why I waited for everypony else to buy a car before I did."
Both brothers nodded. They were curious as to why a princess of all ponies would make it a point to be the last to purchase a piece of technology that was taking their world by storm.
"I figured that if I bought one earlier, then everypony would flip out and try to buy the same model or something. Now that everypony already has one of their own, they won't be so apt to do so. Make sense?"
Again, both brothers nodded as they listened intently to Twilight's reasoning behind her plans.
"Also, as you two proved just a minute ago, everypony probably thinks that I'm going to get some big, extravagant luxury car. No. What I want is something reliable, reasonably priced, efficient and most importantly, as average as possible."
"So what you're saying is you just want a basic, plain car?" Flam asked. "Nothing fancy?"
"Precisely. I want Equestria to know that I'm still the pony I've always been and the Princess title hasn't changed that. I figured that buying a common car would be a good place to start."
"Alright then, Twilight, we'd be delighted to help you find one." Flim said. "What body style did you have in mind?"
"An everyday sedan. Four doors and a trunk. As average as one can get. Like this one for example."
"Ah, the 2012 Chevrolet Impala." Flam began. "With a 3.5 litre dual overhead camshaft V6 engine and front wheel drive, you can't go wrong."
"One of the best sellers and very practical indeed." Flim added. "Um, may I ask what you're doing to it?"
The salesponies watched as Twilight used her aura to pop the hood open, take the engine components apart and closely examine each part. Neither of them knew what to make of it. Normally, anypony disassembling their merchandise would be thrown off of the property but this one was a princess though a very humble and modest one. Be that as it may, she still had a royal title and the brothers were not about to scold her for trying to get a close look at what she was looking to purchase.
"Hmm...quite the impressive intake system here." Twilight said as she pulled the cylinder head off the top of the engine block. "These valves look to be of high quality. This car would be great for me but on second thought, I'd prefer something that wasn't loaded with all these power options. If you have something with manual crank windows, I'd like to see it. Also, a somewhat smaller one would be great."
As quickly as she disassembled the engine, Twilight used her magic to place everything back together just the way she found it. The brothers watched in awe as every piece down to the last nut and bolt was effortlessly clicked back into place.
"No problem at all, Miss." Flam replied.
"Further down the line is something that I think you'll particularly like." Flam added. "Let's take a look at that 2007 Ford Taurus over there."
"Oh, that one does look nice." Twilight said as she trotted towards the silver sedan.
"The 3.0 litre V6 this car has is known for durability and longevity." Flim said.
"It's the base model and it's one of the most common cars on the road today." Flam added. "It's safe, reliable, easy to get parts for and with twenty-six miles per gallon, you never know how far you c-"
"That's odd." Twilight said. "Rarity's massive boat get's twenty-six miles to the gallon. This thing's half the size and gets the same? Sorry, gentlecolts but my search continues."
Twilight continued to trot down the line of cars with Flim and Flam waiting ever so patiently for her to make her decision. If there was ever a customer they would want to avoid putting pressure on, the lavender alicorn that trotted ahead of them was one of them. However modest and down to Earth this one may be, she was still a very important pony. That hard fact could simply not be denied.
"Hey this one looks nice and simple." Twilight said as she trotted over to a small Dodge and proceeded to take the engine apart, piece by piece. "Can you tell me more about it?"
"Certainly." Flam answered. "This is a 2005 Dodge Neon. Very easy and cheap to fix should it ever need repairs."
"Oh, I've read about these. They ranked pretty low on safety tests. It's not too bad but it, wait...what's all this gunk under the valve cover?"
Curious and somewhat worried about what Twilight was talking about, Flim and Flam rushed over to investigate the "gunk" in question. They looked down into the engine compartment and sure enough, they saw globs of black sludge stuck in the engine. Many Dodge engines were notorious for having such problems and since their customer had pointed it out, both brothers made a mental note to get the car into the garage to have the valves cleaned.
"We'll get this taken care of promptly, Miss Twilight." Flim said.
"No worries." Twilight replied. "I'd prefer something a bit safer anyway. Did you hear the news about that pony who crashed one of these in Manehattan on Monday?"
Earlier in the week...
"I was asked to be there to provide moral support to his friends." Twilight said. "The whole scene was really...hard to look at."
"I heard about that." Flim said as he took off his hat, his brother quickly following suit. "How tragic..."
"That poor guy..." Flam said.
"He's in a better place now. Sorry, I brought this up. It's kind of depressing, real-is that a Corolla?"
Twilight was not usually one to get distracted, especially while talking about a recent tragedy in Equestria but the vehicle that caught her attention was just too good to ignore. She trotted over to the light gray compact sedan and once again took a hooves on approach by taking it apart.
"I like this one." Twilight said as she pulled a piston out of one of the cylinder bores. "You see, guys...when looking for a car, I among other savvy consumers like to know absolutely everything about what we're about to spend money on. A car must be efficient, safe, practical, comfortable and matching to the buyers personality."
"Is she...lecturing us?" Flam asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Indeed." Flim replied. "She's been known to do that from time to time."
"I intend on getting to know every little thing about this." Twilight continued. "Nice, it's a 2009, not too old, not too new. Four cylinders, thirty-six miles to the gallon. Judging by the scratches on the cylinder walls...or rather their complete lack thereof, this particular specimen must have been well maintained by the previous owner. I'd estimate that this one has about...twenty-nine thousand miles?"
"Miss Twilight, that's..." Flam began. "Incredible! It has twenty-nine thousand and ninety-two on it!"
"That's amazing!" Flim exclaimed. "You're a genius!"
"Oh jeez, guys." Twilight said as she blushed. "I don't know about genius but I've spent a lot of time studying. Anyway, I have made my decision. I will take this car."
"Hooray!" Flim and Flam beamed as they both jumped up into the air and froze into a motionless hover.
"Uh, how are you two doing that?" Twilight asked.
"I uh, I don't know." Flam replied.
"Can you come down?"
"I don't think so. I think we're stuck up here!"
"Flam, I'm scared!" Flim whimpered. "What are we going to do?!"
"You two just hold on!" Twilight said as she began galloping away. "I'll go get help!"
After returning with members of Ponyville's fire department, Twilight helped Flim and Flam get safely back onto solid ground. After embracing each other after what they felt was a near death experience, the salesponies then made the deal. The paperwork was signed, the check made out and Twilight was on her way home to enjoy her new vehicle.
The next day was sure to be an interesting one to say the least. Flim and Flam had just sold a car to a princess and finally ended the nation's highly anticipated wait. Most ponies thought Princess Twilight would buy an extravagant luxury car but instead saw her driving a common Toyota. The brothers knew that their most recent sale would be all over the news and the two bought a paper on their way to work where they proceeded to read it together in their office.
After being relentlessly chased by paparazzi yesterday afternoon, Princess Twilight Sparkle was later spotted driving what appeared to be a modestly late model Toyota Corolla. Sources say that the vehicle was purchased at Ponyville's Flim Flam Bros. Used Autos Inc. Citizens first reacted with confusion as to why a member of royalty would settle for a common compact rather than a luxury car more fit for such a pony. Later however, the confusion was replaced by excitement as ponies travel in large herds to their nearest dealership to purchase the same car.
"Holy cow, Flam!" Flim exclaimed. "These ponies are acting more like sheep!"
"I'll say!" Flam replied. "Oh, look at this one!"
"This one right here?"
Equine obesity rates at an all time high. Are cars to blame?
"No, not that one. The one next to it."
Toyota Corolla sales skyrocket.
Since Princess Twilight Sparkle's recent purchase of a Toyota Corolla, thousands of Equestrian citizens begin a relentless search for the same exact model. The princess herself was interviewed and provided the following commentary.
"Please, don't do something just because I'm doing it! This is exact opposite of what I wanted to happen! Please, I'm begging you! Just be yourselves and leave me alone!"
"This is terrible!" Flam exclaimed. "They're going to drive that poor girl into the nuthouse!"
"Uh, Flam?" Flim said. "I think she may have found a way out. Take a look at this."
Princess Sparkle contemplates resignation.
"Oh dear Celestia in Canterlot, what have we done?!"
