Feb
19th
2016

Once upon a time, there was a pathetic douche who was going to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge because his skanky crack-addicted girlfriend dumped him for Ryan Reynolds.

"I am a pathetic douche and shall now jump off this bridge because my girlfriend dumped me."  Don't forget that it was for Ryan Reynolds.  "WHY DID YOU REMIND ME!!!"  He jumps, "CURSE YOU NARRATOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!!"

Blarg, I am mysterious voice and have stopped you from dying so you can make bronies pay for overpowering ponies in their fanfics.

"The fuq?"

Bronies make ponies all-powerful and stuff and can even defeat Lovecraftian horrors which is lame since Lovecraft is clearly the highest level of horror possible as I am too stupid to realize they were actually pretty pathetic and derided by serious literary critics and Lovecraft himself was a morbidly depressed nutjob technophobe who couldn't understand advanced mathematics, and despite my omnipotence this makes me super-pissed because Sonic is much better and much more powerful than everything

"No, seriously... the fuq?"

And I need a human like you to go to Fakequestria... which is totally fake and not real and you can believe me because you just met me and I'm totally trustworthy despite sounding like a completely insane retard godchild.

"...I'm not even sure how to respond to that."

Because humans must learn that the ponies aren't real and all-powerful and can't stop aliens and supervillains and gods and elder gods and not-so-elder gods and Smurfs... and sending you to a simulated universe where none of them can see you to murder unreal ponies will accomplish this!

"How many drugs are you on, really?"

Oh come on!  You know the ponies are totally OP in fanfics!  They're actually really wimpy!  They couldn't even stop a real alien invasion!

"Uhm, to be fair, humanity wouldn't stand a chance against actual aliens either.  I mean, they could already travel between stars... we'd be kinda sitting ducks if they sat up in space and just bombarded the planet from orbit with small asteroids for a few weeks."

Shut up and stop making points I can't sensibly counter with insane banter.  Look, either go to Equ- I mean, 'Fake'-questria... (suspicious pause) and get brought back to life as a villain, or just die and go to the Chinese Hell where you must listen to Justin Bieber records for eternity.  I hear the demons just made that one for souls they really hate.

"Ok, before I make a decision, let me get this straight... you're a god-like super being who can bring me back to life, send me to another dimension, and give me a super-powerful villain body..."

Yup.

"And you're doing all this so I'll torment a bunch of fictional ponies because you're seriously unhealthily obsessed and enraged for some totally inexplicable reason with the fans of a little girls' show making their fictional characters more powerful than other fictional characters, and despite being a nigh-omnipotent transdimensional entity who can apparently go anywhere in the omniverse, the most important thing to you is making bronies angsty..."

Pretty much that.

"And while I'm there in this totally fictional, non-real world, the simulations will look and feel and sound totally real and they'll suffer and bleed and die in gruesome ways and I'll risk mental scarring forever unless I become a sadistic asshole worse than a hybrid of Hitler, the Joker, and Kanye West.  And all of this to teach fans of a cartoon show a lesson that their fictional characters aren't more powerful than... other fictional characters... none of whom actually exist anyway..."

Got it in one!

"...ok, how F'd up in the metaphysical head are you and how stupid do I look to you?"

You were about to jump off a bridge because your skank crack addict girlfriend who was stealing your money to buy drugs dumped you for Ryan Reynolds.

"... ... Touche.  Ok, I'm in.  Send me to Fakequestria or whatever."

*POOF!*

"Ok, I'm now in Fakequestria... as... wait, Deadpool?  But, Deadpool's not a villain at all!  He's a wise-cracking anti-hero!  Did that spooky disembodied entity even bother to research this crap?"

Muwah ha ha ha!  That foolish human has no idea that Fakequestria is FOR REALSIES!!  And he'll murder tons of ponies and be a total fuqwad and then either turn super-evil or go insane with remorse and kill himself AGAIN when he finds out they were real ponies all along!  And that villain I turned him into MUST be the worst guy ever!  That evil-looking outfit!  That twisted blank white stare!  And the name DEADPOOL!  I'll bet it means he fills pools with dead bodies for fun!  How kinky is that?!  I simply have to find out more about that guy!  *looks up Deadpool on the Etheralnet*  Uh-oh...

And so, the guy-who-ended-up-in-a-different-place-from-where-he-started became Deadpool and went from world to world in the awful series of fanfics written by D-bags and completely PWND their loser main characters.  

He later saved Ryan Renolds from being murdered in his sleep by his former skanky crack-addicted girlfriend and they returned to Fakequestria (which by then he realized was real... but then because he was Deadpool also realized it was still fake... and so was he, but who has time for existential crises anyway these days?) and made sweet love to Pinkie Pie who totally had the hots for him but that wasn't mentioned until now because, really, do I really have to bother making sense in a crackfic of those awful "Displaced" stories?

The End... of the beginning! Of the middle... of the completion!

(I know it's subtle, but I really hate Displaced fics on account that the entire basis for them is the sort of thing I expect from Zippy the Pinhead.)

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#320 · 1w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2181035 Eh, that's one gets used too often in pop culture.

Why, I just heard it... Tuesday Afternoon...

#319 · 1w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2180911 in the navy

You can sail the seven seas

#318 · 1w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2180848 But I wanna take you down to Kokomo.

We'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow.

(Sooooooooooo old....)

#317 · 1w, 5d ago · · ·

we're going to aruba

#316 · 2w, 19h ago · · ·

>>2178695 I'm out of touch...

Also really old.

:trollestia:

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