Aug
12th
2015

They just do.

Just consider the implausibility of taking outrageous powers and trying to strip all attempt at humor, deliberate or accidental, out of the film; completely ignore the source material; toss out the origin story; throw out the characterization.

Then spend half the movie trying to plausibly explain absurd superpowers with science, and then have the villain show up and get defeated in the last 15 minutes.

Let's face it, the campy, hokey Alba version was more fun and the characters more likeable than this dull, utterly unimaginative pile of movie vomit.  I think this speaks to placing too much trust in a guy whose first movie (the horrendously over-rated found-footage ALSO angsty teenager-themed superhero movie "Chronicle"... yes I did see some of that... as much as I could take before I just wanted every character to spontaneously drop dead) was a 'success' primarily due to hype rather than actual movie-making analysis.  

Trank, of course, claims his original version was better... frankly, other writer-directors of flops have made the same excuse... I don't buy it.  From all accounts, the guy's a jerk and has no idea how to handle a large production team.  He got tossed from "Star Wars" for the same reasons.  Proof in the pudding, ya know?

After the dour "Man of Steel" compared to the wildly successful "Guardians" and "Avengers" (see what happens when audiences LIKE the characters?), can we please just stop it with the morose painting of EVERYTHING?

As for a Pony link, I expect this to be the result if anyone ever dared to make a dark Pony movie... something along the lines of FOE.  Sure, the angst/emo crowd would love it... but less than 0.5% of the human population will not a successful movie make.  

Most people go to movies about comics and fantasy because they want to ROOT FOR THE HEROES.  They want to see heroes who aren't constantly metaphorically (or literally) cutting themselves half the time and wishing they hadn't been born and such nonsense.  It never feels real because (guess what people?) THE MAJORITY OF THE WORLD IS NOT MORBIDLY DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME.  When the audience sees a cast of people who feel fake to them, they disconnect and nothing can draw them back.  It also doesn't help when the script is awful...

Now, something like "Star Wars" can get away with the prequels initially because the sheer quantity of fanbois and nostalgic middle-age people is so titanic they attract enough audience to make their money... of course once all is said and done, they then realized Lucas was either a hack all along or was developing senile dementia when he made the prequels.  But the point is, when you're dealing with material that already had been handled poorly the first time, you have to pull out the stops, forget your 'GRAND VISION!' for your version of the film, which (in regard to these middling pseudo-genius directors) tends to toss out everything the audience already knows about the property and substitutes 'bigger and darker' for a well-conceived plot and characterization, and just GIVE THE AUDIENCE WHAT THEY WANT... just do a decent job with it, at least.  

"Fantastic 4" depended heavily on the intra-character dynamics, primarily the core cast's relationships and jibes, their triumphs and turmoils.  The villains were often second-fiddle in the early age, and usually quite over-the-top.  Let's face it, Galactus was the most power-gamed, god-mode creation at the time... and the only way to defeat him was for Stan to create an even MORE OP McGuffin (The Ultimate Nullifier)... please, stop trying to take it seriously.  Just... stop.  

Doom himself was at his best when he was being clever.  And one of his most interesting moments was when he'd actually taken over the world and realized he hated the job!  And in that vein, the first Alba movie's Doom wasn't that bad.  He had just enough of the old comic camp to work with the material given, and though his origin was completely different, the power-mongering, the competition with the super-genius Reed, and desire for control was at least intact.

This Doom just happened... and for no reason wanted to destroy the world... for reasons... which we're never shown OR told, other than in terms so generic that they felt pasted on at the last second from some bad fanfic.  

Anyway, that's enough ranting.  My predictions of the awfulness of the movie have been confirmed, thus proving my precognitive powers!  I am about to ascend!  :pinkiecrazy:  (I blame the infection and antibiotics for the madness...)

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#293 · 1d, 5h ago · · ·

>>1958871 Hmm... better... you might learn after all.

*sends the tentacle monster to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber instead*  :pinkiecrazy:

*the monster runs away crying later*  Huh.. :twilightoops:

#292 · 1d, 20h ago · · ·

>>1958863 w-wait! I can do bad stuff, such as... Oh! how about a open interface time vortex! Just doing somthing as simple as drawing a little bit of gamma radiation into the past can cause an overlapping paradox of continual gamma buildup destroying any unprotected life on earth immediately. Please, just anything besides the dark hentia god:fluttershyouch:

#291 · 1d, 20h ago · · ·

>>1958006 *tilts his head to the side*  Fix problems?  Ewwww, you must be one of those nice guys!  *leans to Ebony Gryphon*  We shall sacrifice this one to the Dark Hentai God of Many Protruding and Violating Tentacles... :pinkiecrazy:

#290 · 2d, 15h ago · · ·

>>1952541why wormhole gun? Why not something more influential such as mass producing synthetic chlorophyll thus removing the need most organic vegitation and fixing the large air quality problem earth has been having for years.

#289 · 1w, 18h ago · · ·

>>1951633 YES!!!  Use your brain and join me in the Dark Side of Genius!  

Then you shall design wormhole weapons and destroy the cosmos!  MUWAH HA HA HA!!  :trixieshiftright:

  • Viewing 289 - 293 of 293
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