Guess today is just another one of those terrible days; it's been now over seven years since my mother died, and a bit more than two since my aunt passed.

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I'm going out with some friends to a medieval festival today.

It's quite a drive and weather is expected to be rather hot, but we'll drive anyway and have a good time. In all honesty, for me its more about going out with my friends than the festival itself. It will be nice.

Been rereading "No Nose Knows" recently. An excellent story, can't recommend it enough.

And yet, the scene in chapter five where Celestia serves funny-face-pancakes to Bean... it hurt.

Not that it is a bad scene, or badly written or anything, but because it reminded me: there is no longer is anyone who would serve me funny-face-pancakes. Nor is there anyone who would enjoy being served funny-face-pancakes by me. Or anything in that sense.

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Do you know those days where you get up from bed, tears running from your eyes for no reason and you just know "this is going to be a shitty day".
Those days where you really could use a hug from someone whom you trust unconditionally, who loves you unconditionally.
Those days where you realize that there may be no one left to give you such a hug.

I just feel so tired of it all.

Take your favorite hobby, your favorite past-time. Perhaps you like to play games or sports, to sit down watch your favorite series, to assemble and/or paint miniatures, to care for your garden, or to read a good book (or gasp some fanfiction).

Now take away the joy you feel doing that. And no, not because you had enough fun doing one thing and now want to do something different.

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Imagine there is a bully - most people had the misfortune to encounter one eventually during their schooldays (the more misfortunate did so on a regular basis) - imagine there is a bully just for you, and they decided to move in with you indefinitely (you weren't asked in that regard - it's a bully).

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Today, around 3am my aunt died in the hospital. She is now finally free of her suffering, no more pain, no more lack of air. She is at peace.

Well, what more is there to say...

Some kind of bacterial infection in her already badly damaged lungs (end stage COPD). She is on the 4th type of antibiotics since the first three didn't work. This is the third day of taking them and she is not really improving - she nearly constantly needs non-invasive ventilation (NIV) alongside her supplemental oxygen, and it is barely enough, even with the Morphine Sulfate she's taking (against the perceived feeling of suffocation due to excess CO2).

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Well, my cousin visited us today. It is my aunt's (his mother) birthday. She hasn't seen him since... more than half a year?

He and his wife have had Covid three weeks ago. His kids initially tested negative, but they were not retested afterwards, so who knows.

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There are days I simply feel so weary and tired. Where every movement requires strenuous effort, trying to get any productive task started is an impossible challenge, and even my hobbies no longer promise entertainment (or at least relief).

I realize I'm spiraling downwards, deeper into depression, but I cannot find anything to stop (not to mention reverse) the process.

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