A Stallion's Man

by Spirit Shift

First published 19th of December, 2015

Life sucks when six gay stallions are after you. What's a straight human to do?

Barrett Biggs, also known as "Bad Luck Biggs" wanted nothing more than to escape his reclusive life. When he discovered a chance to fulfill his wildest dream, he believed that his bad luck had finally ended. However, when he ends up in the exact opposite of the world he expected, he realizes that life just isn't that generous. Now, surrounded by six effeminate stallions and no way home, Barrett must attempt to make the most of his new life. May Solaris have mercy on his soul. Which of course, he won’t.

Satire on harem anime, complete with fun tropes and nonsensical torture of the main character for everyone's enjoyment.

Collab with An Empty Shell, Vewpoint Robin and The Great Lord Inquisitor

CH1: Burning Passion

A pillar of smoke rose high above the rooftops of Ponyville. The denizens of which followed the snaking trail back to the home of Ponyville’s strangest occupant. The foal of one of the onlookers turned to his father, who stood against a building wall, nursing a metal flask. That young colt would ask why said home was currently on fire.

Wheat Whiskey gave his son a drunken smile. “That young Stalky, is the home of Barrett, he’s what, some—” The stallion hiccuped and shook his head as he spoke. “He is a human thingy and he is currently being hunted by some of Equestria’s greatest and most hopeless ponies.”

“Papa, that story is fucking stupid,” Wheat Stalk said to his father.

Taking a swig of his trusty flask, Wheat Whisky glared at his son. “Oh, so is being grounded for a week stupid?”

“Yes!” the colt said glaring back.

There was a crash and both ponies turned to the burning house in question to see the human himself jumping out of his window. Landing, Barrett stood dusting rubble and soot from his formally clean blue T-shirt.

Barrett, taking heed of the surrounding ponies, rubbed his forehead. “What are you guys looking at? Haven't you ever seen a house on fire before?”

“Yes,” said Wheat Stalk, glancing up at his dad. Rolling his eyes, Wheat Whiskey snagged him by the ear and dragged him away from the scene.

Barrett looked up at his home. “How the hell did my house catch fire anyway?” he wondered. Out of the corner of his eyes, he noticed a familiar face ducking behind a tree.

Barrett, exasperated, removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Of freaking course. Dusk Shine get the hell over here!”

There was a startled yelp and a bright flash from behind the tree.

“Wait don’t leave me!” a small dragoness stumbled from behind the same tree, reaching out for something, or somepony that was no longer there. The girl glanced over to see the human now scowling at her.

“Barb, what the hell did you do?” Barrett hissed while Barb herself backed away, her eyes looking in every direction that did not have a Barrett in it.

Barrett stomped toward the young dragon. Barb turned to run, but in an instant, the human’s hand snatched her by her frills and pulled her back toward his currently burning abode. Barb whined as she struggled helplessly against her captor. Barrett held Barb up towards the flames.

“Barb, explain,” he said simply. He made sure to put more emphasis by giving Barb a light shake.

Barb nervously looked over the house. Suspiciously emerald coloured flames licked at every part of the home, mercilessly burning everything inside. When she remained silent, Barrett shook her a bit until she started talking. “Dusk thought it would be a good idea for you to come live with him. I mean, of course you already have your own house so… ya know. He got this idea.”

Barrett nodded, one of his eyes twitching wildly behind his glasses. “Oh I see, burning down my house was definitely a good idea. How was that supposed to get me to move in with you?!”

Barb twisted around to glare up at him. “Well don’t get mad at me! It was his idea! You know Dusk; he’s not going to see reason.”

“I suppose that’s true… But you see, I don’t completely believe that this was really his idea. Because, Barb, I wasn’t aware that unicorns could shoot fire from their goddamned horns!”

Barb shrugged, a nervous grin stretched across her face. “B-but Dusk bursts into flames all the time!”

“That is true,” he nodded. “But his flames are orange and the flames currently turning my house into a bonfire are not.”

It was then that Barb realized that she had been discovered. In which case she did the only thing she knew. “So, what are you going to do with me?” she asked, looking up at him with wide pleading eyes.

Barrett stared at her, and slowly, a wide menacing smirk grew on his face. The more it grew, the more worried Barb appeared to become. “Oh I don’t know, maybe have a long chat with Elusive about who decided to destroy all of his hard work.” Barrett looked down at his ruined shirt.

Barb followed his gaze and the full brunt of her actions seemed to finally register in her brain. She shrunk down, tears welling up at the corners of her eyes. “No! Please don’t!”

“Then perhaps you can get your fireproof, scaley ass into my home and help me recover my shit!” And with that he pitched her through the second story window. “Meanwhile, I need to find someone to put out these flames,” he muttered as he watched the broken glass fall.

~~~

A fresh bundle of burnt fabrics in her grip, Barb made her way out of the still smoking house. “Here, jerk!” she said, throwing the clothes down. “And next time, can you wait until I’m out of the house before you start spraying?”

Barrett waved to the firefighter ponies as they all flew away before turning back to face the dripping wet dragon and the equally wet, but still blackened, pile of clothes. “Next time don’t burn my house and maybe we’ll wait for you.”

Barrett leaned over and picked up the heap. “Anyway, I’m gonna have to see Elusive anyway to see if I can’t get this all fixed.”

“Wait! Let me come too! I need to make sure you don’t rat me out!”

“No, you don’t. You need to go talk to Dusk and make sure that he realizes that burning down my house isn’t the best way to gain my attention. Nor is poisoning my food to make me sick or using my hair to make a magical clone just to make me jealous!”

“But—”

“Or else I will tell Elusive that you and Dusk torched all of my clothes!" he barked, leaning down to her level. "Do you know how hard it is to get clothes like mine in this world?”

“Fine! Fine! Just… go already,” she huffed, waddling away in defeat.

He looked at Barb’s retreating figure and sighed. Adjusting the pile in his grip, he turned and began walking down the road to Elusives place. On the way he received the normal stares that a rare creature like him would receive.

Barrett himself decided to keep his gaze straight forward, knowing that nopony would dare meet his gaze anyway. He was used to it, though and, despite the stares, something else continued to nag at his mind, something far more irritating to him, something that plagued his mind since the day he moved here.

Damn, why did they all have to be stallions. Can barely find a single mare in this one horse town. And yet, they all have enough kids to fill up a freaking school house! How do they all breed!

A sudden voice jarred Barrett form his bout of thinking. “Oh that one's easy! All the mares are house wives!”

“Get out of my head, Berry,” Barrett said, hissing at the sudden existence of a voice in his ear.

The furry flank of the aforementioned baker bumped against Barrett’s hip. “What, but I’m not in your head, I’m right beside you,” Berry bounced along, smiling at the tired and charred Barrett.

Barrett slowed his pace, allowing Berry to jauntily perambulate around him. “That’s not what I mean and you know it.”

“I mean, I could be if you say yes,” Berry said, hopping in front of Barrett and fluttering his eyes.

“I’m not making out with you, Berry.” Without a second of hesitation Barrett walked around him, leaving the stallion momentarily wilted.

Perking back up Bubble Berry merrily skipped back up to him. “Please!” he pleaded.

“No!" he answered, refusing to meet Berry’s gaze.

“It’ll be great!” Berry urged.

“No! I’ve said it a hundred times and I will say it a thousand more. No!” Barrett hissed as he stopped cold. His grit his teeth in a frothing state of near hysteria.

Even so, Berry just smiled up at him. Placing a hoof on his own chest he closed his eyes and said, “I know, but I also know that in my heart of hearts, one day, you’ll say yes. And that’s what I’m waiting for. Because, fifty nos and a yes still means yes.” Berry opened his eyes and gave him a cute wink.

It was baffling, how fast Barrett’s irritation declined. What was even worse was that he could feel his face heating up from the sight of the pony’s adorable nature. “Go away Berry,” he muttered, walking away.

Berry hoof pumped at his minor victory and continued to follow him. “Now why would I do that?”

Barrett slapped his forehead which was now red enough to match his faded cheeks. “Because the cakes don’t pay you to flirt with me.”

“Ah, fine, but I will get you to admit your feelings, and that’s a Berry Guarantee.” And with that, Berry hopped away and out of Barrett’s hair.

With Berry now gone, Barrett mentally prepared himself for his next trial. Unfortunately, his trek wasn't nearly long enough, for he soon found himself standing outside of his destination. Carousel Boutique stood as tall and familiar as ever. While Barrett held no ill will towards the establishment, its proprietor was a vastly different story.

To his credit Barrett only hesitated for a few seconds before stepping inside the building. “Elusive!” he called.

The well mannered unicorn turned around, a smile spreading across his face. “My, Barret, what a pleasant surprise,” The tall, graceful tailor trotted toward the human, but his step suddenly faltered and he lifted his pink reading glasses and squinted for a second.

His face froze for a moment, and then, with a quicker pace he made his way over to the human and began looking him up and down frantically. “My goodness Barrett, what on earth happened?” He asked, his voice slightly shrill with worry.

“Fucking Barb happened,” Barrett growled. “She and fucking Dusk fucked up my fucking house. All I have right now are the clothes on my fucking back,” he cursed, growing progressively more pissed. Elusive flinched back and let out a sharp gasp from the foul language.

Eventually, his fury calmed and morphed into despair. “I need your help… I need some new clothes because those dickfaces burnt my house down.” Barrett gesticulated at the slowly rising pillar of smoke rising from behind him.

“My goodness, well I’m sure I can help you out with some new clothes,” Elusive said brightly. “I will, of course, need to take your measurements first.”

“Really?” Barrett asked, his voice tinged with exasperation. “I mean, you’ve taken my measurements before, like, a dozen times, and I haven’t eaten that many pizzas since yesterday, so won’t they still be-”

“Nonsense,” Elusive said breezily, his magic snatching Barrett’s hand and yanking the human down the pathway in the direction of the fitting rooms. “This will only take a few moments, darling.”

As Elusive breezily hummed, Barrett felt a sudden chill of apprehension sinking into his guts that has nothing to do with a brisk breeze drifting in from an open window.

A half hour later, Barrett considered his initial concerns very well founded indeed. Elusive had taken him back to the fitting room and ushered him up onto the podium in the centre of the room, Barret protesting all the way.

Elusive had grabbed a tape measure with his magic and then, without any kind of preamble or warning, had wrenched Barrett’s ripped and torched trousers down around his ankles. Barrett had struggled, trying to pull those trousers up, but Elusive had swatted his hand away with a lash of his tape-measure.

“Hold still, sweetheart. I need to get a proper… appreciation for your shape.” Elusive said, his eyes alight. Barrett lifted his hands as directed and tried not to feel too uncomfortable as he felt the unicorn’s gaze sweeping up and down his figure like searchlights.

“Shirt too, sweetie,” Elusive said brightly, and Barrett blinked in horror, but then the tape measure flicked a little too close to his feet and he tugged at his shirt, quickly pulling it off and trying not to hear a low growl of desire from Elusive. While Barrett wasn't by any means a well muscled figure, perhaps a tiny bit pudgy, he had become a bit more athletic since arriving in Equestria due to his increased physical activity.

While normally one would describe being measured by Elusive as relaxing, if a bit invasive, Barrett found it to be a different feeling altogether. And as Elusive’s tape measure drifted lower, Barrett couldn’t help but feel a sudden chill of horror as Elusive reached for a cup on the side…

“Are you sure you don’t have any measurements already?” Barrett asked, stepping off of the platform and dodging a lash from the vindictive tape measure.

“Of course I do,” Elusive replied brightly, reaching for a series of bags that have been stacked in a corner. Relief flew through Barrett, however, it was quickly stifled when Elusive’s tape measure suddenly lashed at him, causing him to skip back in shock.

“How long have you had these for?” he groaned, rubbing his backside before picking up the bags. Before bending over he sent a wary glance at the tape measure.

“About a week,” Elusive replied airily. “Anyway, I have something else-”

The slam of the door is the only answer he received.

The sun was sinking fast and the smoldering remains of his home were no longer proper lodgings. Barrett walked solemnly through the town, the bag of new clothes swaying in the evening breeze. Barrett smiled if not only at the irony that no matter what Dusk had half succeeded. He would indeed need to find somewhere to stay until he could have his extra crispy home repaired.

Barrett thought over everyone who could possibly and sensibly take him in for the night. The problem being that list was depressingly short. Chewing on his bottom lip, Barrett began the trek toward the most likely candidate. After all, farms are built for space, and even if it was just the second story of the barn, shelter was shelter.

Sweet Apple Acres stretched out in a spread of trees and fruit. In the center of the mass of green a humble but well kept farm would host the oldest family in Ponyville, the Apples. As the welcoming sight of the gate passed him by, Barrett was lost in a daze. This daze however was short lived when the sound of three childish voices shattered any hope Barrett had of catching a break.

A small shapeless mass was speeding down the trail, and Barrett could do nothing but accept the oncoming torrent of youthful energy that was the Cutie Mark Crusaders. “Come on Scoots, faster, if we hurry we can find the ‘x’ before it gets dark,” Silver Belle said, whooping in an excited fit.

“Yeah, come on, we gotta hurry before AJ calls me for supper,” Apple Buck called, waving about from within the wagon attached to the diminutive daredevil. as the scooter transport drew closer.

Barrett knew what was to come, it was a fundamental truth that Scootaroll would inevitably crash into him. Closing his eyes, he embraced his fate and waited for the impact. Honestly, he could move... but for some reason he felt that concluding the day like this would bring something of a full ending to it. A day full of bad encounters ending with the CMC didn't sound like a terrible way to go out.

A few seconds passed and Barrett felt nothing shatter. His feet were still placed on the ground and there were no screams of surprise and apology.

“Umm, what are you doing?” Scoots asked.

Eyes still closed, Barrett answered, “Waiting for my fate?” After several more seconds, Barrett's eyes shot open and were met with the startled faces of the three colts.

“Uh, Barrett are you okay?” Apple Buck asked.

“Yeah, why the heck are you standing in the middle of the road with your eyes closed?” Scootaroll asked, fiddling with the handlebars of his precious scooter.

“Oh, is this some kind of human thing?” Silver asked jumping up happily and running around Barrett

Barrett sighed. “Nah, just looking for an out. So what are you three rambunctious wrecking balls up to today?” he asked, smiling down at the children.

Apple Buck turned and picked up a rolled up sheet of parchment that had been sitting on the wagon. “We found this map in Scoot’s basement and we wanna see where it leads.”

Barrett's eyes widened. “Wait, Scoot's basement?”

Silver nodded. “Yeah, his dad said that it might lead to treasure. So we have to find the first landmark before the sun goes down.”

Barrett stopped listening halfway through. “Wait, Dad?!”

“Eeeyeah… why do you look surprised?” asked Scootaroll, his ear flicking in annoyance.

“Wait, so you’re telling me you have parents?” he asked, his jaw practically falling.

“Yeah, you know him,” he said.

“Seriously?,” he exclaimed. “Who—”

“Well, howdy there, Barrett,” Applejack said, trotting up from behind the occupied group.

Barrett barely heard the greeting before he felt a set of powerful limbs wrap around his torso in a incredibly friendly and bone shattering hug. “Uh, AJ, please—”

As suddenly as it had began it was over, and Barrett fell to his knees his breathing haggard as Applejack stood smiling awkwardly and the CMC snickering behind him.

“Well then we gotta go find this treasure now,” Scoots yelled. “Bye!”

“Now hold your horses you three, I ran to catch up with you because it’s dinner time. So, your little treasure hunt will have to wait,” Applejack said, stepping in front of the three crusaders.

“But, AJ,” Apple Buck whined.

Applejack shook his head and pointed back toward the farmhouse. “No, 'buts', it’s time for dinner, now say goodbye to your friends and get ready.”

With great reluctance Apple Buck stepped out of the wagon and the CMC said their farewells. “See ya, Barrett,” he said, trotting off towards the barn.

“So what can Ah do for ya, Biggs?” asked AJ, crossing one leg over the other.

Barrett nervously scratched the back of his head. “Yeah, because of certain Dusk related events I need to ask you for a favor.”

“Really now?” he muttered, smirking. “What happened?”

“Dusk burned my house down,” he admitted, sagging. “So can I stay here for a bit while I find somebody to fix up my place?”

Applejack got the biggest grin on his face. “Yes, yes you can.”

Barrett flinched from the overexcited look in his friend’s eye. “Umm, thanks. I don’t really think I could ask anyone else. Asking Dusk would play right into his hands... err hooves. Butterscotch doesn't have room and the other three… no.”

Applejack nodded in understanding. Trotting over, he patted Barrett on his back, the force of which knocked his glasses askew. “Well you made the right choice, I’ll make you feel right at home. Hell I’ll even fix up yer house when I get a chance.”

“Sweet,” he cheered, fixing his spectacles. “I knew I could count on you.”

“So which would you like first, dinner? You look hungry. A Bath? you smell like smoke. Or—”

“Nah, I’m gonna head to the bar, see if Harp is there. I need someone to complain to.” Turning, Barrett began walking back down the path he came.

Applejack's excited look deflated somewhat. “Oh… alrighty then. I’ll go get yer room ready. See ya.”

~~~

Taking a long sip of his drink, Harpsichord smiled blissfully at his now empty glass. Looking up from it, he glanced around the rest of the bar.

Once again it was the same half full, dimly lit pub it was the last four times he looked around. Over in the corner booth Toffee and Flash were still flirting. Near the back wall Vinny was using his breather between sets to annoy Octavius, though it was obvious that he was enjoying it. And taking up the most of the main floor, Fireworks was celebrating his 21st birthday with a bunch of his friends, the group loud and happily wasted.

“Hmm, I can still remember their names,” muttered Harpsy. Turning back around he threw a hoof into the air and called for the bartender. “Hey, Wheat what the hell? I’m still sober!”

Stumbling over to him, Wheat Whiskey glared at him, though it only lasted a second before he broke out into a smirk. “Hey, I told you about cursing in my bar! You know I hate that word!”

Harpsy returned the look. “Well maybe if you did your job and got me nice and drunk I wouldn’t be using such words. Seriously, are you even allowed to be drinking while working?”

Wheat let out a burp that doubled as a scoff. “Please, it’s my bar I can do what I want.” Reaching under the table he brought out a half full bottle of liquor and sat it on the table in front of Harpsy. “It’s why I bought the damn thing,” he chuckled.

Just as Harpsichord was about to reach for the bottle the door slammed open and the smell of smoke filled the air.

Like every old western movie ever, everypony stopped what they were doing to look at the new arrival. They all watched as the person, hunched over and out of breath, limped into the room. With each step ponies turned to their friends; many whispers and hushed comments were exchanged.

Meanwhile, Harpsy watched as the human limped over and nearly fell into the seat behind him. Now that he was closer the smell of smoke was even stronger than before. And it was obvious why. Parts of the human's clothes were burnt, his normally brown hair had been disheveled and darkened in places, and just about half of his body was covered in soot, staining his light skin a darker brown and almost completely blackening one of the lenses on his glasses.

Harpsy tilted his head and gave him a concerned look. “Hey, Barrett, are you—”

Barrett held a hand up to stop him. Afterwards, the same hand shot over and grabbed the bottle that Wheat had placed in front of him. Without hesitation he began chugging the drink, much to Wheat’s amusement.

“Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!” Wheat cheered, watching the human chug. Soon after half the bar was cheering with him. Vinny had even jumped on top of his table to cheer the loudest, only to pulled off by Octavious not a few moments later.

Only when half the contents of the bottle had disappeared into his gut did he stop and slam the bottle down. The cheers stopped and a second passed before he let out the mother of all drunk burps! The bar exploded in cheers and normalcy was soon restored.

“Nice!” cheered Wheat, letting out burp of his own. “Just for that I’m not gonna charge for that bottle.”

Barrett now only lightly buzzed, just frowned at him. “You run a terrible business,” he remarked.

Wheat just shrugged. “Hey, you’re drunk, I’m drunk! I think I’m doing a hell of a good job here. So uh, Barrett?"

“What?”

Wheat just gave him a lopsided grin. “Did it burn as it went down… the alcohol I mean?”

Barrett narrowed his gaze and glared at him. “Get the hell away from me, Wheat.”

Wheat nearly fell out laughing as he trotted off to continue his work.

Chuckling, Harpsy looked over at the human and resumed his earlier query. “So uhh… did Barb do that?”

He growled in response and his grip on the bottle tightened. “She might as well have! I wouldn’t be surprised if she wanted to set me on fire personally.”

“Harsh. Well come on, spill,” he urged. “And please share some of that!” he said, snatching the bottle with his magic and pouring himself some.

The human rolled his eyes and recounted his story. “So there I am, in my house, just carving out something random on a whim. You know, the usual attempt trying to avoid going outside.”

Harpsy nodded. “As you do.”

“And I start hearing voices from outside my window,” he continued. “Somepony asking if they were sure I wasn’t in the house.”

Harpsy took a swig from his newly refreshed glass. “Which I’m sure you were all day you reclusive bastard you,” he teased.

Barrett nodded. “Yeah, so apparently Barb convinced Dusk that burning down my house would convince me to move in with him. Which, of course, seemed to make perfect sense to him.”

“Well,” Harpsy burped. “He probably just misses you. And, in his defense, this is par for the course. Remember that time he tried to give you that diluted form of love potion.”

Barrett leaned on the table and began rubbing his temples. “Yes, of course I remember. That was the day he confessed to me, I gently turned him down and moved out. But see, I feel like he’s getting worse about it. I mean… you’ve heard some of the stuff he’s done.”

“What do you think?” Seeing the bottle pass back over to him in a cloud of emerald magic, he snatched it out of the air. Barrett threw his head back, only to not taste anything. He turned the bottle upside down and found that it was empty.

Harpsy shrugged and gave him a teasing smirk, swishing his own tall mug. “I think you should just get yourself a Barbar like I did. Just go on a date with him and maybe he’ll calm down a bit.”

“Not gay,” Barrett sighed. “Whatever. I just stopped in here for a drink before I go home and pass out.”

“Just another day in the life of Barrett 'Bad Luck' Biggs,” Harpsy cheered, thrusting his mug in the air. The force of his jab threw him back a bit and he struggled to keep his balance on the chair. A quick pat from Barrett fixed him.

Barrett shrugged and leaned onto the table. “At least I tomorrow I have to hang out with Butterscotch.”

“Have to?” asked Harpsy.

Barrett nodded. “I promised the yellow puffball that I’d help him with his book.”

Harpsichord let out a surprised hiccup as he turned to the human. “Wait Scotch writes books?”

“Yeah,” he chuckled, “I was surprised when he told me a few days ago. I’m pretty curious. Never really got that feeling back in my world.”

Harpsy rolled his eyes and downed the rest of his glass. “Yeah, female versions of us, right? Whatever, I still think you’re nuts.” Pushing the glass away, Harpsy began to stare vacantly into space, his eyes narrowed and clouded over.

“And that’s why you’re the only one I... H-hey, are you alright,” he asked, shaking the pony to get his attention.

Shrugging, Harpsy just turned around the around to recount the ponies in the room. When he found that he couldn’t remember the name of Toffee’s boyfriend, his face lit up in glee. He quickly hopped out of the stool and immediately fell on his face. Instead of groaning in pain, he let out a drunken wheezing chuckle.

Stumbling back into a standing position he leaned back onto the bar table. “See ya, Wheat!”

Wheat, standing on the other side of the bar looked back at him. “Drunk sex?” he asked.

Harpsy threw a hoof into the air and cheered. “Hell yeah! Barbar’s favorite!”

Meanwhile, Barrett chuckled as the drunk unicorn stumbled out of the bar. “Can I get another one?” he called out.

Author's Notes:

Warning... contains gay. Have fun with that. ~Badger King(The Empty Shell)

I had nothing to do with this. Don't blame me, I just want da likez. ~ Spirit Shift

I can't wait for the part with the Banana Hammock! ~Viewpoint Robin

I WROTE THIS UNDER DURESS! CALL THE POLICE! ~The Lord Inquisitor

CH2: Pride and Prejudice

“Alright, how do you want to do this?” Barrett hissed, his hand gripping the hatchet tightly. The Timberwolf merely growled back in response, the sound significantly more menacing coming from its mouth.

Barrett glanced at the forest around him, while there was currently only one wolf in front of him, he knew that there could be others hiding in the bushes. Behind his confident exterior, Barrett was sweating bullets. Not that Barrett would say no to some actual bullets. A shotgun would do wonders right about now.

His momentary lapse in concentration was apparently detected by the wolf as it quickly leapt to attack him.

Barrett deftly rolled to the side and swung his hatchet up from a crouched position. The blade arched up and just barely scratched the wood on the beast's neck. This particular Timberwolf, Barrett realized, was far more agile than he gave it credit for.

Deciding that he would have to get reckless, Barrett charged the wooden cur. The wolf met his charge head on, jaw opened and ready to bite his head off.

In a surprise move, Barrett stabbed the handle of the hatchet down the Timberwolf’s throat, all the way to the blade. Now choking, the wolf backed away, hacking and coughing in an attempt to dislodge the intruding tool. After a few moments of being unable to breathe, the Timberwolf unceremoniously fell to his side, pieces falling about, the green light in its eyes fading completely.

Now safe for the moment Barrett let out the breath he had been holding. After he began breathing easier again he went to go pick up his tool. He looked around at the broken splinters and scattered pieces of wood. “Why do I always feel bad when I do that?” he muttered remorsefully.

Turning around, Barrett moved to grab his backpack, an old handmade satchel full of all the food that he had acquired today. Deciding that he had gotten enough exercise this session he quickly waded through the bushes back to his home, wary of any other creatures that might like to inhabit this part of the forest.

“I’m still surprised that there are Timberwolves in this part of Equestria,” he muttered to himself as he found the right path; a well worn groove of dirt that had been formed by countless treks through this part of the forest.

“I guess they’re not specifically from the Everfree forest afterall. But I guess it makes sense considering this forest is apparently called the Sherwood forest.” Barrett let out a half hearted chuckle at his bad pun as he continued on his man-made path.

Pushing through one final wall of foliage to see his home. A, more or less, run down shack that had been abandoned by a pony lumberjack some time ago. It wasn’t the best kind of home, but it had served him well so far. It’s not like he could go into the nearby city and cause panic. But in any case, it was better than a cave, and it wasn’t like he had a map or compass. In short, beggars can’t be choosers.

As Barrett approached his front door, he turned around and looked around the front yard, his eyes searching the area. When he didn’t find what he was looking for, he couldn’t help but give a somber sigh. “I guess Smallfry didn’t come around today.” Shrugging, he opened his door and walked in.

It was only through Barrett’s efforts to improve his living conditions, that the inside looked any better. The grass and roots that had made their way inside had been swiftly removed. The old, but still functional furniture, saw use once again. Small carvings that he had made in his boredom decorated the mantle near the fireplace.

Sitting the bag down on a table, and the hatched by the door, Barrett walked over to the chair and collapsed into the seat. It only took a second for him to realize the soft warm body under him was, in fact, not the cushion in the chair. Before he could get back up, two hooves shot out and wrapped him up in a tight grip.

“Hello, my consort,” a regal voice whispered in his ear. “I see that you have once more retreated to the memories of your old domicile. Has something happened to annoy you so?”

Barrett’s struggles ceased as realization set into his mind. “Oh…” he said, disheartened. “I’m dreaming then.”

Artemis, not getting the response he desired from having Barrett on his lap, released the human from his grip. Barrett did not hesitate in extracting himself from the foux-seat and moving a good distance away from the nighttime Prince.

“So, it seems that I was correct. Prey tell, what ails you,” Artemis asked, his face no longer containing his earlier playful smirk, but rather a concerned frown.

Barrett shook his head. “Nah, just having a hard time as usual. Dusk and Barb burned my place down. Frankly, I’m surprised that I’m not dreaming about kicking his ass.”

“What?!” exclaimed the Prince, his eyes going wide at the mention. “Why would the student of my brother do such a thing?”

Barrett shrugged, a small smirk growing on his face. “Maybe Solaris is a bad influence on him; being the Prince of the Sun and all. I’m not surprised if Dusk bursting into flame is his fault.”

“Barrett Biggs, my brother would never impart that kind behavior in his student,” he said, reeling back in offense.

“Artemis, I’m joking. Chill,” Barrett soothed, holding his hands out in front of him. “Anyway, I’m just a bit irritated because I have to bother AJ for a place to stay.”

Artemis nodded in understanding. “I see. Then I’m sure that I could be of assistance. I will personally derive funds from my own coffers to have your home rebuilt.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I was planning on going to see Dusk tomorrow-err today to make him pay me back for all the trouble he caused.”

Artemis put a hoof to his chin in thought. “I see, however, that is still unacceptable behavior on his part, if not his dragoness assistant. I do implore you to strictly reprimand them both.”

Barrett threw his hand up in the air. “God, thank you! Finally someone else who’s mad at them. Seriously, everyone else is acting like it’s par for the course. I don't think they realize how crazy that stallion could be sometimes?”

Artemis gave a regal chuckle. “Barrett no need for the exaggeration. I have faith in my brother’s choice of students. I am sure this event is what you would call a ‘one time deal’.”

“Whatever,” he said rolling his eyes. “Anyway, like I said you don’t have to do anything to Dusk or for my house. I got it taken care of.”

“Very well but I insist that you let me spoil you my consort.” He began trotting closer to the human, his gaze lidded, and his voice lowering to a whisper. “I’m starting to feel like I neglect you.”

“For the last time, I’m not your consort,” Barrett huffed dryly, his hand finding his forehead.

Barrett flinched when he realized that Artemis was now rubbing up against his body. While normal ponies’ heads came up to just above his chest, something that was surprising considering he was fairly tall, Artemis’ head came up to his shoulder. And when he had his muzzle pointed upwards well… personal space be damned.

“Well in technicality you aren’t yet. But on my crown this shall be rectified,” he declared, bringing the stallion into a one legged hug, the other regally pointing into the air dramatically.

Barrett couldn’t help but chuckle at the Prince’s playfulness until he remembered what made consort a consort. It was in that instant of realization that Barrett willed with all his might to wake up. For a moment it seemed as if his efforts were meaningless. However, the effects of his willpower soon began to show as the room around them started to morph and wilt.

Artemis’ flirty embrace and triumphant declaration was short lived as he glanced around the room sadly. Releasing the human, he took a few steps back. “Oh, it seems that you are awakening. Fare thee well then, my consort. Perhaps next time we meet we shall have more time to converse on less… heated matters,” Artemis let out a snortle while Barrett simply let out a loud groan.

“Yeah, see ya,” he said, waving. As the world of the dream dissipated into nothing, Artemis to faded. Soon after, Barrett's found himself evaporating as his physical body stirred in the world of the living.

~~~

“Mornin, Biggs!” greeted Applejack as he heard the tell tale thumps of human feet coming down from the second floor.

As Barrett stumbled his way into the room, slouched and half asleep, the smell of pancakes seemed to be the only thing that compelled the human to leave his nice and cozy room. Slumping into the kitchen chair, Barrett finally raised his head to look around.

While the world without glasses was as fuzzy as ever, he could still see Grampy Smith in his usual seat at the head of the table, apparently less awake than he himself was. Apple Buck was nowhere to be seen at the moment, and Red Gala, in all her unassuming beauty, sat to his right. Sucks that she’s gay too. Barrett found himself staring at her for just a few moments longer before turning to see Applejack who was staring right at him.

“You alright there, haystack?” he asked, absentmindedly tossing a pancake into the air.

Barrett sat an elbow on the table and leaned his head in his hand. “Nah, just a bit tired. I’m kinda surprised you didn’t put me in the barn or something.”

Grampy Smith’s eyes shot open, and his elderly bones shaking as he glared up from his chair. “The barn? Now what kinda manners have you been learnin’ there, whippersnapper?”

Barrett visibly flinched back from the sudden reaction. “I-I just mean that I didn’t know you had a guest room is all.”

Applejack tossed another pancake turned to him and rose his brow. “Why would’ja go and think that? Did ya think this big ole’ house only had four rooms?”

Now Barrett was fully awake and sweating awkwardly. “N-no of course not,” he answered. “So where’s Apple Buck?”

“Right here!” called the colt, as he hopped down the stairs and into the chair next to Grampy Smith.

Applejack proceeded to flip yet another pancake through the air and onto the plate in the middle of the table. With the stack that had formed from his efforts reaching critical height, Applejack cut the stove off and approached the table.

Barrett stared at the stack, and his mind went blank. Only two senses remained, one being used to stare at the dream before him, his eyes never having seen such perfectly golden brown flapjack in all his life, Equestria or otherwise. The other was being pushed to its limit as Barrett tried his damndest to inhale all of the steam rising from it as it wafted up and attracted the man with its fragrant and delicious aroma.

When Applejack slid a cut of butter on the top, Barrett nearly lost it. His eyes clouded over as the butter melted, its yellow drips sliding down over each individual pancake and coating them in its warm, salty taste.

Just when he thought it was over, Applejack stepped up the game when he proceeded to pop open the top of a certain bottle. He began licking his lips in anticipation as the caramel coloured goodness exited the container, the flow staggering for just a second before allowing itself to be lowered onto the slice of heaven already there. Applejack tilted his head and began spreading the lines of syrup around before finally allowing the stream to end. When the butter and syrup started to mix, the final result may as well have been the most precious thing he had ever scene, cinnamon roll be damned.

In what may as well have been slow motion to the human Applejack slid a spatula under the pancakes and began passing a few of them around the table. First to the patriarch, then to his brother, then his sister, then, finally, to Barrett himself.

His eyes sparkled at the sight. His nose kicked into overdrive as he opened his nostrils as wide a possible to take in the scent of the precious pancakes in front of him. But unfortunately, a man could only admire food for so long before his stomach protests to it.

Fork and knife in hand the human prepared himself for the blessing that the Apple family, bless their souls, had bestowed upon him.

Just as the knife moved to cut the first slice, a half chewed pile of mush landed on the edge of his plate. His blissful fantasy shattered when his head jerked up to see the four earth ponies viciously tearing into the slabs of bread in front of them.

Even Red Gala, he found, had resorted to slapping her face into her plate and begin to slurp up the food, eagerly licking up the butter and syrup, and utterly consuming everything else. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as Barrett made it out to be, but their trough-like eating habits this early in the morning was enough to persuade him to nudge his food away, his appetite suppressed for the time being.

“Well, uh guys, breakfast was great. But, I really need to go see Dusk, deal with the whole fire thing once and for all,” Barrett said, eyes shifting from the eating family and the door.

Apple Buck looked up, a splattering of pancake coating his face. “Aren’t you gonna finish your breakfast?” Apple Buck’s eyes seemed to grow to incomprehensible proportions as he stared at Barrett.

Barrett quickly looked in a different direction. “Well, no, sorry, the pancakes are great, I mean it they are. Save them for me. I just, really need to go though, sorry,” Barrett said, a misshapen smile covering his face as he slowly stood up and inched toward the door.

AJ lifted his head from the table and gulped down his food to address the human. “Ay, partner, not that I don’t enjoy your boxers, but ya sure yer comfortable goin’ out like that.”

Barrett needed no further comment as he quickly ran back upstairs.

Once Barrett had left the kitchen, Applejack gave a look towards the plate of unfinished pancakes. The fact that Barrett hadn’t eaten them caused his mirthful expression to sour. “Why didn’t he eat mah pancakes?” Applejack muttered to himself.

~~~

“Well, let’s get this over with,” Barrett muttered, standing in front of the tree house. With his mind ready, he forced his considerably less ready body to reach for the handle.

“Dusk,” he called as he opened the door. Luckily, the stallion was sitting in the middle of the room with a book held in his magical grip. The two stared at one another for a second before the human frowned and the stallion teleported away.

“Dusk, I’m not going to play hide and go seek with you!” he yelled into the library, completely disregarding normal conventions. “Either you face me like a man or I’m not going to speak to you ever again!”

“No please!” he heard him say. Barrett tracked the source of the voice to the entrance of the kitchen and, reluctantly, the pony exited the room and walked over to face his fate.

“Dusk,” he began.

Dusk flinched, as if already hit. “Yes?”

“You let Barb burn my house down,” he stated.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted out, his eyes already tearing up. “She was just so convincing. Plus… I thought she… kind of had a point. It’d be nice if we spent more time together. I feel like you’ve been avoiding me ever since… well you know.”

Barrett sighed. “You could’ve just asked. I’m not avoiding you. But when you blurt out how much you love a guy in the form of a twenty page research stack on how great we would be as a couple it kinda sends a… let’s call it a powerful message. I mean, I still read it, but some of that stuff you wrote.” Barrett shook his head. “Just wow, Dusk, wow.”

“I, but, I thought it would be the quickest way. I just wanted you too see how I feel,” Dusk stammered as tears trickled down his cheeks. Dusk took a tentative step toward Barrett who stared at him, unfazed.

The human shook his head and leaned down to look the stallion in the eye. The two shared a gaze for a second, before Barrett continued. “Look, I understand your feelings. Unfortunately, I can’t reciprocate them, because, like I’ve told you and Berry, I don’t swing that way.”

Dusk rubbed the tears away from his eyes. “Oh, Barrett, are you still saying that? We all know the truth. I know it's hard to accept that part of yourself. I know it was for me. But that day, when you kissed me, I found out how easy it was to give in to the love that I feel,” he confessed, blushing brightly and staring straight into Barrett’s eyes, his mouth forming a bright smile at the memory.

Barrett himself stood back up, his face growing bright from the memory. He found himself looking away from Dusks gaze. “I-you- that was just. You were hurt and… I was just trying to help you.”

Dusk nodded excitedly. “I know, but from what Barb told me you didn’t even hesitate. I think you do like me, more than you realise, deep down, and I just feel like I can make you see that,” he said, giving Barrett a wide, almost unsettling grin.

“You sound like Berry,” Barrett groaned, taking an uneasy step back. Deciding not to pursue this topic for the billionth time, he chose to give up and retreat to his original objective. “That still doesn't excuse you from burning down my goddamn house.”

“Yes, yes, I know,” Dusk gasped. “I’m still sorry though. I’ve already arranged to pay to repair all the damages. I was actually reading a few books on architecture so I can personally help remake your home.”

Barrett actually smiled at the stallion. “Thanks, I suppose that’s a start. But before anything else.” His gaze sharply honed in on the purple face peaking out from the top of the staircase. “Barb!”

“You better not have ratted me out you nark!” she called back, leering down at him.

Barrett flashed back to the time yesterday when he did just that in his anger. “Of course not! But stop giving Dusk stupid ideas.”

Barb stood at the top of the stairs stubby arms crossed. “Sure you didn’t you nark! I don’t believe you!”

“Stop calling me a nark!” Barrett said, throwing his arms wide, his gaze matching Barb’s glare.

“Then stop threatening to nark on me then you nark!” Barb said stomping a foot in annoyance.

Barrett rolled his eyes and pointed at the dragoness. “Call me a nark one more time and I swear to whatever god ponies pray to that I will go down there and tell Elusive what you did,” he said watching as Barb looked down in horror.

“I knew you were a nark!” she screamed.

“Guys, guys stop yelling in the library!” Dusk yelled. “Barrett why do you keep antagonizing Barb?”

“Don’t play mother with us! She’s the one who hates me.” Barrett said, folding his arms his voice dropping to an indigent whisper.

“Alright then. Barb why do you hate Barrett?” Dusk asked looking back up at the spiteful dragoness.

“You want me to get the list I made from the paper you gave me?” Barb said pointing back toward the room behind her.

Dusk’s face was a blank stare, an eyebrow arched in contemplation. “Is that what you used it for? Lists are not to be made in anger. They aren't tools of hate, Barb. I thought I taught you better than that,” he lectured.

Barrett let out a loud groan. “Anyway! I have to go. I’ll see you two later. Dusk, thanks for apologizing and at least trying to make up for it. Barb, shove it.” Barb hissed at him in response.

“Barrett!” Dusk chided.

~~~

“I can’t believe I wrote this,” Butterscotch muttered to himself, looking down at the bundle of papers on his desk. After a few more seconds a small whimper bubbled up from his throat and he shook his head.

He turned to face the small white bunny chilling a few feet away. “Do you think he’ll notice?” he asked.

Angelica, relaxing in her little bunny bed, looked her way and shrugged.

“Oh, Angelica, I really hope today’s study date goes well. I mean, Barrett was kind enough to offer to help me,” he whimpered, pulling the apathetic bunny into a tight hug.

The rabbit issued her response by promptly kicking free of the frantic stallion and crossing her arms in annoyance.

“M-maybe I should start over,” he said moving to reach his desk. However, just as Butterscotch rushed to grab more papers he heard a knock from the door to his cottage.

“Scotch, you here!” he heard a familiar voice call out.

“Oh no,” Butterscotch gasped. Looking back and forth between the already finished manuscript and the blank sheets, Butterscotch let out a sigh of defeat, grabbed the inked sheets, and held them under his wing. “I hope he likes it…”

Leaving his room, the stallion made his way to the front door and, taking a moment to compose himself, opened it. “H-hello, Barrett. Thanks for coming,” he greeted, moving back to let him in.

Barrett smiled down at him. “No problem. Honestly, I’m still shocked that you write.”

Butterscotch blushed and glanced away. “Well I have to have some hobbies.”

“I was under the impression that you were just rich,” he muttered sarcastically.

“Oh… no. I’m sorry to disappoint you?” the stallion said, looking downcast.

“Nevermind,” Barrett chuckled, rubbing the top of Butterscotch’s mane and cheering him up. “So, what story did you want my opinion on?” he asked, looking around the cottage.

Butterscotch nervously shuffled for a moment before reaching his head under his wing. He came back up with the stack of papers held in his mouth.

Handing them over, Barrett took a glance at the top of the page. “‘Bittersweet’ huh. Interesting name. I like it,” he said, his praise causing Butterscotch to shrink down. “What’s it about?”

Butterscotch weakly raised a hoof and pointed to the paper. “T-the first sheet has the synopsis and… plot information.”

“Cool, lets see. ‘This is the story of Colt Steel the human, a strange creature who’s found his way into Equestria from another world. However, upon realizing that they are stuck there they fall into a deep depression. This is the story about the human going through the long-suffering pain of being an endangered species, and the agonizing discomfort of being alone. The fact that, every day they deal with the feeling that at any moment they could fall sick with no way for the pony medications to help out. However, when a pony by the name of Butterfly develops feelings for the creature, Colt Steel may find out that they might not be as alone as they thought.’’”

Barrett nodded, a smile growing on his face. “I like the premise, but… Colt Steel?” he snickered. “Really?”

Butterscotch fiddled with his hooves. “Well I don’t know any human naming conventions. So I just…”

“No, I get it. Like I said it’s an interesting concept. What’s Colt Steel like?”

Butterscotch’s breathing became a bit shaky as he began to recite the description from memory. “He’s a tall strong human. With rippling bronze pectorals that glimmer in the sun’s rays.” “His powerful biceps that could rend mountains asunder yet has a touch so soft it could calm the mightiest of dragons.” He stopped for a second to sigh softly and, looked up at Barrett, continued. “A beautiful well chiseled jaw with statuesque features, and a long lustrous black mane. And, at night, the moonlight would sheen off from it’s luscious locks.” Butterscotch gave a second, heavenly sigh. “And he had the most big…. thick… long… hairy…”

“Stop!” Barrett said, interrupting Butterscotch from his description. “I get what he looks like. I do not need to know what’s in his pants.”

“I was… just talking about his legs.” Butterscotch said. “I-I’m sorry… I’m really sensitive about legs. I think they’re important.”

“Why… why would you think that?” Barrett said, exasperated.

Butterscotch’s face exploded, causing him to only shrunk down more, even going so far as to wrapt his long tail around himself. Barrett shook his head. “Nevermind, what else is there before I start commenting.”

Coming up from behind his tail, face still flushed, Butterscotch cleared his throat and continued. “Um… he’s sort of a gentle giant-type character with a big heart. But everypony gets really scared when they see him and that contributes to his feeling of loneliness. He starts to hide himself away and even begins to hide his true self. They don’t see that there are ponies who do care about him… especially one pony in particular,” as Butterscotch continued his description, his voice becoming softer and softer.

Barrett, having closed his eyes to better envision the character in question, nodded sluggishly. When Butterscotch seemed to finish, he let out a small yawn and looked down at him. The stallion's eyes were wide and fearful, as if he were expecting the human to rip apart all that he had worked so hard on.

Barrett cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses. “Well as for the personality. I think he’s fairly relatable and believable character. The fact that all of the other creatures exclude him from their social circles would make them very lonely. Personally, I would enjoy the solitude, but that's neither here nor there.” Butterscotch’s expression brightened, his smile growing from the admiration he was receiving.

“However…” Barrett continued.

The stallion flinched back from the horrid word.

“I’m not an expert on literature, but don’t you think the physical description is a little bit much?” Barrett took another look at the sheet. “I mean, ‘powerful biceps that could rend mountains asunder yet had a touch so soft it could calm the mightiest of dragons?’ Is that really very realistic?”

Butterscotch’s eyes began to water slightly and he started fumbling with his words. “You… I-I just wanted to capture how I feel about the character. I only… wanted to make sure the readers know exactly how to imagine him. Humans aren't exactly common knowledge.”

Barrett let out a loud yawn and moved to sit down on one of Butterscotch’s nearby chairs. “Yeah, I understand that, but if you need a realistic image you could just use me. I mean as long as his personality is different I don’t think… that… Scotch are you alright?”

Butterscotch’s eyes, now the size of plates sparkled like diamonds from the human’s words. “R-really?” he breathed, stepping closer to him. “Y-you’ll let me use you in my story?”

Barrett leaned back in his chair, slightly thrown off by the sudden excitement radiating off of the pony in front of him. “Sure… I don’t mind being used as a physical subject. If you have absolutely nothing else to use. Or I could describe another human for you--”

“No!” Scotch blurted out. Rearing up on the seat to meet his eyes directly. When he realized how close he was, the stallion quickly backed off. “I-I mean that you don’t have to go through that trouble. It’ll be much easier to just use the body type that’s in front of me, if that’s alright.”

“Sweet, I uh,” Barrett let and even larger yawn. “Ah, I’m sorry Scotch. I don’t think last night's sleep really counted. They never do when he’s in them.”

“He,” asked Butterscotch, tilting his head. “He who?”

Barrett reclined in the chair, his body relaxing, his eyes fluttering as he spoke. “Artemis. He shows up sometimes and we talk. Though it seems to wear me out more than actual talks with him, go figure.”

“If… if it’s alright with you I don’t mind if you take a nap. It’s still pretty early afterall.”

Like usual, Barrett didn’t need to be told twice. Before Butterscotch even finished his sentence, he began to hear soft snores coming from the man sitting in the chair across from him. With his head leaning on his shoulder, his glasses askew, and the peaceful expression on his face Butterscotch found that he couldn’t stop staring at him. Butterscotch, an ardent look in his eye, slowly made his way closer to the human.

Quietly, he flew up and removed the pair of glasses from his face and set them down on the table. Afterwards, he turned his attention back to Barrett. With a moment of hesitation, the pegasus leaned over, his lips only inches from the humans. His face burning, Butterscotch gave Barrett a small peck on the cheek.

“Sleep well,” he muttered, yawning. “Oh maybe I shouldn’t have stayed up all night writing either,” he muttered and gently sat next to him. He scooched up against Barrett’s side and slowly drifted off to sleep. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I joined him.”

Snuggling in, Butterscotch too began snoring, his sound joining Barrett’s as the two sat together, sleeping blissfully.

After a few minutes, Barrett’s eyes fluttered open. Sluggishly, he felt around his face with his hand. “My glasses?” he muttered.

Confused, he glanced around and found them on the nearby table. Without thinking he began to move to retrieve them until he noticed the four foot tall ball of fuzz snuggled up in the chair next to him.

It was then that his sleep-addled brain started working again. “Butterscotch?!” Instinctively, he tried to move away, only for the pony to reach his hooves over and cuddled closer to the alarmed human.

Barrett looked down at the slumbering visage of the stallion next to him and he found himself smiling and relaxing into the pony’s grip. “I swear,” he muttered, smiling down at the snoring pegasus. Relaxing further, Barrett put an arm around his companion and decided to go back to sleep. “If he were any cuter I might actually…”

“Hey, Scotch are you here!”

Barrett’s head snapped up towards the door and the pony knocking on it. “Blitz?” he muttered, confused.

Blitz knocked a few more times on the door. “Hey, Elusive had me bring over that scarf you tore the other day. Leave it to Lucy to avoid manual labor, right?” he said laughing. “Can I come in?”

Barrett nervously looked down at the stallion snuggled up to him, then back to the door. He momentarily debated removing himself from the chair to answer Blitz’s call, hoping not to fall into one of those ‘clearly a misunderstanding’ situations. However, before he could he noticed the form of the devil herself hopping up to the door.

With a cheeky smirk, Angelica hopped up and pulled the door open just far enough to give Rainbow Blitz a full view of Barrett and Butterscotch together.

Blitz stood frozen at the door, one hoof raised to knock. “Barrett… what are you doing?” he said, staring at the two.

“Sitting in a chair with Butterscotch glued to my side,” Barrett stated.

Blitz coughed into his hoof in an attempt to hide a small blush. “I can see that. My question is why you two are “glued” together?”

Barrett leered at him and frowned. “You know that’s not what is happening.”

“Uhuh,” Blitz took a step forward, to which Barrett squirmed in his chair. Scotch being ruffled as Barrett moved about. As the two alert mavericks squared off, Butterscotch was slowly roused from his slumber. As the world came too, Butterscotch could feel a warm entity wrapped in his arms, which had him smile in blissful ignorance.

When he opened his eyes he was met with the nervous face of Barrett who was trying desperately to shake free of his grip. With each twitchy movement Scotch’s mind wandered over what could make the normally laid back human so upset.

Butterscotch’s ears splayed back as he shuffled his hooves around the human, a blush soaking his cheeks and his eyes dilating in terror. “Oh no, I’m sorry.” Scotch whispered as he pulled away from the human. However, with no room on the chair, the pegasus found himself falling over the side of the chair and fell in a heap on the floor. Barrett, reacting, attempted to catch him as he fell.

But now with Butterscotch looking discarded on the floor and Barrett’s hand reaching out to towards him, it looked for all the world that Barrett had unceremoniously pushed him away.

“Scotch!” Blitz called, looking over at his friend. When face Barrett, who was sweating bullets by this point, Blitz snout flared and the hairs on the back of Barrett’s neck bristled.

“I can’t believe you,” Blitz said, his wings spreading wide, a faint red covering his cheeks, a rabid glint in his eye. “I-I thought you were… I mean, what the hay, man?!”

A carrot stub flew through the air and collided with Barrett’s head. When he turned, he saw Angelica smirking, a stubby arm pointing at an open window beside her. In a mad dash, Barrett jumped through the window and out across the animal littered yard. Blitz only a second behind.

Scotch sat puzzled as Barrett jumped through his window, Rainbow Blitz following after. “Blitz… Barrett? Oh my!”

Barret without turning back yelled as loud as he could, over the sound of wing flaps behind him. “Blitz, I swear this is a stupid mistake.”

“Then why are you running, you jerk?” Blitz said back, as the two made it out of Scotch’s property and reentered town.

Barrett continued running, Blitz easily keeping pace as the human slowly relented to his unprepared muscles. Staggering, he felt the force of two hooves jab him in the back. A hand raised Barrett slowed heaving as he neared the center of the town.

“Wait, Blitz wait! I didn’t do anything,” Barrett said sputtering as he collapsed to his knees.

Blitz hovered above the tired Barrett leering down at him an eyebrow raised. “A likely story, you were cuddling Scotch as he slept, then you threw him off like he was trash! What about that is doing nothing?”

“I was taking a nap, he apparently joined me, I just woke up when you walked in,” Barrett said, raising his hands in surrender. “I swear I didn’t push him off.”

Blitz slowly lowered himself to the ground, skeptical, but no longer furious. “Is that right?”

“Plus,” Barrett continued relieved to see the pegasus listening to reason, “Butterscotch is a guy and I’m not attracted to him like that anyway.”

The two of them heard a small whimpering noise and turned around to see Butterscotch himself behind them, apparently having been following them after they left the house.

The stallion began to tear up and stagger as he looked down at Barrett. “I… I…” he stammered taking a few steps back. “I’m sorry for being a guy!” he cried, running back towards his cottage.

“Wait hold on!” Barrett called, reaching out to him. “Blitz… what?” Barrett turned to see Blitz staring at him, his face flushed and his eyes glistening slightly. Barrett blinked in surprise at Blitz’s response.

Barrett flinched back when the pegasus’ expression soured into an intense glare, his teeth clenched in anger. “You’re…you’re an asshole you know that?!” he yelled.

“Now hold on a sec!” Barrett blurted out, but it was too late, Rainbow Blitz had unfurled his wings and took flight once again. Rolling out of the way Barrett dodged his first dive bomb. Without missing a beat Barrett jumped to his feet and continued to run, wary of the death hovering just above him.

Knowing that the pegasus was far faster than him Barrett did his best to gain some distance by quickly turning sharp corners and ducking in and out of alleys.

To his credit, Barrett got a fair distance before his tactics failed, with the angry stallion tackling him to the ground right in the middle of the marketplace.

Ponies all around turned to look at the scuffle taking place in the middle of the road as Barrett and Blitz wrestled around in the dirt.

After a good bout of dirt tussling the fight ended with Blitz pinning Barrett down on the ground, his snout pressed up against Barrett's nose and their eyes locked with one anothers.

Victorious, Blitz smirked. “Any last words, punk.”

Before Barrett could respond, a pony near them let out a scoff. The two of them looked over to see a beautiful white coated mare with a long golden brown mane frowning at the both of them. “I know that you boys like aggressive play but could you not doing where other ponies can see you?”

Blitz simply rose an eyebrow at the random mare while Barrett stumbled for words, his face roughly becoming a tomato at the sight of this curvaceous beauty. Receiving no response, the mare merely scoffed once again and trotted off in a huff.

“Don’t listen to her!” yelled a light blue coated unicorn from the sidelines. “Fight! Fight! Fight!”

“Crest! Don’t encourage them!” chided a brown coloured mare.

“Knock his teeth out!” Crest preceded to yell. The mare next to him then proceeded to pound him upside his head.

Soon enough, the entire male population in the marketplace began following Crest’s example. All of the stallions began chanting for them to start brawling as well.

While the other ponies continued their ritual chanting, Barrett still had his eyes locked onto the backside of the mare walking away from the spectacle. “Who… was that?” he muttered.

Unfortunately, the only answer he got when he turned to Blitz was a hoof to the face.

“Ow! What the hell!” Barrett yelled.

“That’s enough!” a deep voice yelled out. The circle of stallions immediately parted to reveal Applejack as he stomped into the scene. “What in tarnation are you two doin’?”

“He was hugging Scotch!” Blitz announced.

Applejack rose his brow skeptically. “And?”

Blitz’s face flushed red. “I-I mean. I…He was sleeping with him!”

AJ blinked in surprise and turned to Barrett. “Beg pardon?”

All around him the crowd began muttering and chattering to themselves. Barrett eventually caught onto the topic and was quick to protest. “Hold on! It’s not what it sounds like! Blitz tell them!”

Before he could continue he looked up at Blitz and saw the normally rough pegasus frowning down at him. When the two locked eyes once more and Blitz suddenly looked away. With a strong flap he dashed into the sky and out of sight.

The crowd slowly dissipated and Applejack trotted over to his fallen form. “You alright there, haystack?”

“I’ll live, probably,” Barrett winced, touching the swelling bruise on his face.

AJ looked at Barrett’s state his face a stoic mask. “You got some splaining to do.”

“I need a drink first,” Barrett muttered groggily.

“Right well, I suppose it can at least wait till we get that shiner taken care of. Come on,” AJ turned and motioned for Barrett to climb onto his back. “Let’s get you home.”

Author's Notes:

"Did you really spend an entire page describing pancakes?" ~The Badger(Empty Shell)

"Yes, yes I did." ~Spirit Shift

CH3: Attempted Apologies

“So... you say you fell asleep?” asked Applejack, looking stoically into Barrett's eyes while taking a long slow sip from his cup of coffee.

Barrett nodded, pointedly not meeting his gaze. Instead he was staring down at his own cup of not alcohol. “Yeah, and when I woke up Butterscotch was cuddled up next me.” Barrett shrugged and took a long sip. Afterwards, he let out a relieved sigh. “I thought it was cute and harmless so I let him be and decided to go back to sleep.”

“Then Blitz stormed in an’ saw you two?” asked AJ raising a brow from over his mug.

Barrett stared up at him, his own brow twitching nervously. “Not exactly. Angelica let him in. I guess Elusive sent him. Anyway, he saw us together and started to freak out. I, like a sensible human, tried to explain the situation. Afterwards, I guess that Butterscotch woke up and realized that I was— I mean he was cuddling me, and so he freaked out and fell off the seat.”

Applejack just continued to stare at him. “An’ then Blitz thought you pushed the poor colt off an’ decked ya?” He took a sip from his mug.

“Well a few things happened in between,” Barrett sighed. “I may have hurt Butterscotch’s feelings. Dusk looked hurt too actually.”

“Oh, he’s gonna be hurt alright,” AJ muttered, the mug around his lips muffling his words.

Barrett stared at the stallion, his brow furrowed and his mouth stretched to a thin line. “Applejack, is there even anything in that mug anymore?”

Applejack calmly sat the mug down and went quiet for a second, causing Barrett to feel just a tad bit anxious. “Barrett, do you want some more ice?” AJ finally asked.

Barrett glanced out of his swollen, half-closed eye towards the semi melted bag of ice next to him. “Nah, it doesn't hurt anymore and I think the swelling has stopped. Why?” he asked feeling around his face. The second he touched his eye he flinched back and hissed from the stinging sensation. “Does it look like it’s getting worse?”

Applejack eyes narrowed and he only continued to glare at the large purple horseshoe shaped bruise around his friend’s eye and the dark mark keeping it half closed. He let out a small grunt in response and brought the mug back up to his lips.

While Barrett’s gaze was still blurry without his glasses, having forgotten them at Butterscotch’s place, he couldn’t exactly tell what kind of expression AJ was making. However, just from listening to the hollow slurps emanate from Applejack’s cup, Barrett deduced that his friend might have been just a tiny bit absolutely livid. Assuming that was the case, he decided to sit the bag of mostly cold water back onto his eye.

The hollow slurping sounds stopped almost immediately.

“Anyway,” began the human, “I’m gonna go see Butterscotch today. Maybe see if I can apologize for whatever I said. Then I’ll—” Applejack held his hoof up.

“Ah think Ah’ll talk to Blitz about what happened,” he interrupted. “Knowing him, he’s probably still in a huff for whatever reason.”

Barrett nodded slowly. “Alright then…. By the way, can I ask a question?”

“Sure thing,” said AJ, cocking his head.

“Do you know about a white coated mare in town. Brown gold mane and ruby coloured eyes?”

Applejack glanced down and rubbed his muzzle curiously. “Hmmm, not that ah know of. Why? Who is she?”

Barrett could feel the heat in his cheeks rising and, to hide his glowing face, he threw his head back and downed the last of his coffee. Letting out a burp, he shrugged. “No reason, just never seen her around before I think. I was curious.”

Applejack couldn’t help but crack a small grin from the impressive burp before glancing down at his own mug for the first time. “Oh,” he muttered, turning it upside down. The mug was bone dry. “Guess ah’m out too. Want some more?”

Barrett sat the water bag down and shook his head. “No thanks. I’m gonna take a walk around before going to see Scotch.”

Applejack opened his mouth to respond but paused when he heard a soft knock on the front door. Standing up from the table, Applejack made his way to the door and opened it up. He angled his head and scanned around, curious as to why there was nothing outside to meet him. Finally, his eyes wondered down to see a small white bunny glaring up at him.

“Can… can ah help you?” asked Applejack, glancing around nervously.

Angelica simply scoffed and bounced past him and into the house. Barrett watched with mild interest as the bunny hopped into the kitchen, onto AJ’s seat, then onto the table before stopping in front of him.

Barrett quickly took note of the pair of familiar black rimmed glasses that Angelica held in her paws. Barrett stared down at her and she stared up at him. After a second of further staring, she scowled and waved her paws about, apparently signalling for him to lean down.

Barrett instead simply held his hand out and gestured for her to give him his glasses. Angelica hopped into his palm and motioned for him to bring her closer. Barrett looked back at AJ who shrugged before bringing Angelica up to eye level.

The bunny immediately slapped his nose and pointed out the door. Barrett followed her gesture, recognizing that she was pointing at the town, or rather, probably what was beyond it.

Smiling, Barrett petted the top of Angelica head. “I know. I was already going to go apologize anyway, so don’t worry.”

Angelica smiled at him and nodded, thankful that he understood. Sitting the glasses back on his face, the bunny hopped from his palm to his shoulder and pointed forward. Barrett stood up from his seat and walked over to the door. “I guess I’m going to see Scotch right now then.”

AJ nodded and took a step outside to let him out. “Be safe. Don’t get slapped again,” he said. Barrett smirked, thinking he was teasing, but one look at his tight lipped expression told him that he probably wasn’t.

Angelica, however, smirked anyway and slapped Barrett playfully on his cheek. Barrett, unaffected by the soft attack waved at AJ, adjusted his glasses, and started down the path to leave Sweet Apple Acres.

AJ’s expression soured worse and he craned his head to look upwards. His gaze flew across the sky until they finally locked onto a particular cloud with a familiar head sticking out from the corner. Said head quickly ducked back into the cloud.

~~~

Following the same path from earlier, Barrett made his way through the town and towards the opposite edge of Ponyville. As he walked, he began to feel a soft paw touching the black mark around his eye. He turned to see Angelica raising a curious brow while staring at his eye.

Barrett sighed. “Yeah, Blitz got a bit upset. Don’t worry about it.” Angelica crossed her paws and gave him a skeptical look. Barrett shook his head. “I guess I said something stupid… or phrased it in a mean way… I think.”

Angelica, mouth wide, gave him an incredulous look of disbelief. Barrett rolled his eyes. “What? All I said was the same thing I’ve been saying. I told him that I’m not gay.”

Barrett scoffed and Angelica simply facepawed in response.

The rest of the trip proceeded in silence. As they walked through the street, Barrett couldn’t help but notice that ponies were staring at him with even more skeptical expressions than before. Not surprising considering the rumor that he could just barely hear being whispered around. “The human took advantage of the kindest pony in town” had been the basic summary of what he could collectively make out.

He let out a small groan and decided to do a bit of glancing around himself. From what he could see, the white coated pony mare from that morning wasn’t out there. He shrugged, knowing he had the rest of the day to look.

The walk soon found completion as Barrett and Angelica passed the town's limits and crossed the bridge into Butterscotch’s cabin and animal sanctuary. As usual all sorts of critters frolicking about. Birds flew together in simple patterns, beavers played under the bridge, bees and butterflies flittered among the flowers and other bunnies were hopping around playing tag it seemed. There even appeared to be a large bear playing with a few smaller animals by the side of the house.

Taking careful steps in order to not disturb the delicate, and frankly miraculous, ecosystem of Butterscotch's yard, Barrett made his way to the door. He hesitated for a second, his fist hovering just an inch from it. However, with a nudge from Angelica, the human gave the door a few tentative but firm knocks.

Angelica crossed her paws and waited for any reply. After a few seconds, she began tapping her foot impatiently. After a full minute, she slapped the human and knocked his glasses askew.

“What?” asked Barrett. Angelica pointed to the door. Taking the hint, Barrett knocked again, this time calling out, “H-hey… Butterscotch? You around?”

When there was still no answer, Barrett sagged and leaned his head against the door. “I’m gonna start to feel really bad if Scotch just isn't going to answer the door for me.”

Raising a brow and giving her little chin a scratch, Angelica gave Barrett's cheek a pat and climbed off of his shoulder. He watched in curiosity as the bunny hopped through the bunny slot near the bottom of the door.

Lifting his own forehead from the wood, Barrett sat his ear against it instead. He could hear the thump thumps of the rabbit hopping around the home. When the thumps stopped they were replaced with a chattering noise. The first sounded like a meow, and then a hiss, then he found himself falling forward as the door suddenly fell open.

Tripping over himself, the man barely recovered his balance enough to land on one knee. In front of him was Angelica, grinning her devilish grin.

“Oh haha,” he mocked, standing back up. “I’m… guessing he’s not home?” Angelica nodded and made a motion with her paw, moving it in circles around her face.

Barrett tilted his head for a second before trying to work it out. “Face… facial… Oh,” he gasped. “He went to the spa?!” Angelica nodded.

“Hmmm… I guess he left to go cheer himself up or something. I suppose that If I show up that’ll only make things worse,” he muttered, his tone low and melancholy.

Without wasting another second Barrett waved to Angelica and turned away. “Alright then. I promise I’ll apologize to him whenever he comes back home. Thanks for coming with me… even if I was probably just a free ride to you.”

Angelica simply gave him a smirk, saluting him off and closing the door.

So then Barrett strode back across the yard, past the bridge and back into town. When thinking about what to do now, his mind eventually fell back onto the image of that mare. Her pearl white coat, light amber mane, and her vivid red eyes were all so foreign to him, but still strangely familiar. As he walked his mind struggled to remember what her male counterpart could be.

Either way, he was happy to at least see another female in this crazy little town. Though he knew it was an exaggeration, to him females around his age were as rare in Ponyville as it was to find ponies who don’t wear clothing in Canterlot.

As he crossed into the residential area, gaze lingering in the clouds, he absentmindedly held up a hand and found himself counting the female ponies in town. “There’s Time Twist who hangs out with Clutzy… There’s Toffee who is—”

He paused both, in speech and in stride, as he passed a particular house. This house, standing tall and ordinary, looked absolutely no different than the other thatched-roof homes around it. The only thing that attracted his attention to it was the fact he could hear loud, by this point, familiar arguing coming from the ponies inside.

“—was dating Flash.” Barrett shook his head sadly. “I swear every time I walk past here I either hear them yelling at each other or making out. They really need some thicker damn walls.”

Choosing not to dwell on it, Barrett continued walking, far too used to this particular song and dance. Eyes looking up at the sea of air above him, he continued his time wasting mental activity. “There’s that game obsessed filly that Silver Bell is into… I think her name was Switch or something. And I think there are some that go to the school that Smiles teaches at.

Turning a corner, Barrett exited the residential area of Ponyville and came into the main part of the town complete with the Solaris statue, Town Hall, and Sugarcube Corner. To his surprise, seeing the confectionary come into view sent his stomach rumbling.

Thinking back, Barrett realized that he never did eat the eye-gasm pancakes from that morning. He supposed that even though he was just at AJ’s house being punched in the face had stunted his appetite a bit.

But, his eye was feeling better, and he was hungry, and it was a bit past noon… maybe. What the hell, he decided to go grab a cake to eat.

His mouth curling up into a smile, Barrett licked his lips and made his way to the store, only to be greeted by a hug from above!

“Barry-Buddy!” squealed the excited voice of Bubble Berry, glomping Barret’s head in a big hug.

Barret almost fumbled a bit from the force and added weight of Berry, but somehow, he managed to keep his balance. “Oh great…” he mumbled. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath to calm himself.

However, instead of the fresh scent of cakes and donuts, Barrett was greeted with the smell of diabetes. When Barrett opened his eyes, he saw Berry’s snout pressing up against his nose. He also took notice that their lips were just a few inches apart, and an awkward warmth began building in his face. Barrett quickly took a few steps back.

“Oh it’s so good to see you this afternoon, Barry-o,” Berry started on his rambling. “I had a leg buckle followed by a twitchy ear, pins and needles in my left hoof, and finally the urge to shake my groove thang! That only meant that my closest bestest buddy is coming to see me!” Jumping up in the air, Berry locked his hooves around Barrett's waist and began swinging himself and the human around in circles.

Barrett gave a yelp of shock as Berry was not only intruding his personal space, but acting way too hyper. “Berry stop before I get dizzy and throw up!”

Berry didn’t hear his cry as he continued to spin both of them around. “Oh we are going to have so much fun for this afternoon. We’ll bake a huge cake in the shape of me and you and we’ll eat it together and we’ll share it with the other and get real fat and—”

“Berry, can you stop for a fucking second before I barf all over you?!” Barrett yelled, however, by the time he finished he realized that he was now spinning all by himself, and that Berry had let go of his waist.

Berry, back to standing in front of the door, chuckled. “Hehehe. No need to yell, I’m here silly-willy. And such a bad word you said, someone needs to wash their mouth out good,” Berry teased while sporting a big grin.

Barrett looked at Berry, he had an intense glare plastered on his face, before calming down and remembering that the stallion just like to play around. “Look Berry… Can I get something to eat?” he asked. “I’m getting kind of hungry and—”

Before he could even finish his sentence, Berry had shoved a donut into his mouth. “Haha! I knew you’d be hungry, so I made you several donuts.” He still held that big grin.

Barrett cautiously chewed on the donut. He didn’t appreciate things being shoved into his mouth, but he couldn’t say the same about the donut. Honestly, he couldn’t complain since the chocolate glaze on top of of the donut was satisfying his hunger. He gave a moan of satisfaction. “You know Berry…” he said with a full mouth, “I would be mad at you… If this donut wasn’t so delicious. It’s chocolatey and has a vanilla cream filling and everything. It’s really freaking great tasting.”

Berry gave a surprised gasp. “You… You really like my cream that much?” he stammered, resisting the urge to explode. Instead he just let out an embarrassed giggle. “Thanks!”

Barrett gave a thumbs up, before swallowing the chewed donut. “Well, yeah.” He patted his belly to further emphasize his happiness. “You wouldn’t happen to have any more of those donuts, would you?” he asked looking down at him with a thankful grin.

Berry nodded happily and a small blush grew on his face. “Yeah, I made the cream myself in my room just last night! I gotta admit, I was thinking about you while I did it.” Barrett’s grin immediately fell flat into a frown as a deeply… deeply disturbing thought ran through his head.

He opened his mouth to respond but Berry, in his usual hyperactive enthusiasm, had already ran back into the store.

Barrett looked from the empty spot where Berry was, to the cream on his fingers, then back to the spot and let out a low shudder. “Nah… of course not,” he muttered to himself while wiping the cream on his pants. “He’s not that weird.”

“Excuse me?” Barrett’s mind snapped to attention when he finally took note of the pony standing in front of him, obviously try to leave the store. To his surprise, it was the same mare from that morning.

“O-oh,” he stammered, moving out of the way. The mare frowned a bit and Barrett realized that she apparently recognized him as well. After all, it was kind of hard to forget about the monkey who was fighting the pony.

Saying nothing more, the mare moved passed him and began trotting away. As she walked past, Barrett caught sight of her cutie mark. It was of a small makeup mirror.

“Hey, hold on a sec?” said Barrett, calling out to her. The mare stopped in her tracks and turned her head around to look at him. Barrett decided to pick his next words carefully, just in case she was as cautious around him as every other pony. “You were there this morning right, trying to break up the fight?”

The mare furrowed her brow and turned around to face him completely. “Wait, was that what that was? I thought you two were just rough housing.”

“No,” Barrett said, scratching his head. “I just had to deal with Rainbow Blitz’s bull. Something is up with him, he always acts first and then asks questions later.”

The mare snorted and burst out in a fit of giggles. “Well, he’s always been the daredevil. He probably thought that beating you up would get him in the Wonderbolts or something stupid like that. I swear he hangs off their plots way too much.”

Barret’s eyes sprang open. “You know Rainbow Blitz?” he asked incredulously.

The mare nodded. “I do. We went to Wonderbolt Academy together. He was teamed up with someone who was even more reckless than him. I think his name was like Thunder… Dirt or whatever, I don’t remember,” she trailed off, rolling her hoof, and eye, in circles.

Barrett started to chuckle in response, but after a second, he stopped abruptly and remembered a question that he wanted answered. “By the way… I didn’t get your name. My name is Barrett Biggs.”

The mare held out her hoof. “I’m Ample Grace.”

Barrett shook her hoof and smiled. “It’s nice to meet you. By the way, are you new here? I don’t think I’ve seen you around.”

At that Grace cocked her head to the side. “Umm no. I’ve lived here for a pretty long while. I mean, I do leave town to go on tours every so often. But yeah, I’ve probably lived here longer than you have,” she said, chuckling again.

“Seriously?” Barrett looked her up and down again, still trying to mentally piece together who her male counterpart might be. She definitely looked familiar but he just couldn’t recall a pony with her colours and that cutie mark, despite recognizing pretty much every other pony. He shrugged, guessing that she probably never showed up on screen. “So tours, huh? I’m guessing you’re pretty important than?”

Grace nodded and sat a hoof on her chest proudly. “Of course. I’m a model. I travel around sometimes, wearing clothes and saddles and looking pretty damn gorgeous if I do say so myself,” she said, striking a pose and playfully flipping her amber mane. Barrett smirked and gave her a sarcastic giggle.

Seeing his reaction, she broke down and chuckled sheepishly. “Oh please, I’m not that much like Blitz. But seriously I—”

She was interrupted by another bout of rumbling from Barrett's stomach. By the time it had ended, Barrett was blushing and Ample Grace was still giggling.

“I… I guess one donut wasn’t enough. I should really get something to eat.” Barrett glanced back up at the confectionary behind him.

Grace followed his gaze and gave him an amused grin. “What? Did you skip lunch?” she asked.

Barrett turned back and looked her dead in her eye. “Well I would have eaten but I guess getting a black eye provided too big of a distraction,” he deadpanned.

Grace shrugged. “Hey, I wouldn’t know. Anyway, I don’t really think cake is a healthy snack. If you want to, you can hang out with me and we’ll get some real food.”

“Hmmm, I don’t know,” he grimaced. “It’s not hay related is it?

Brace simply stared at him, apparently trying to comprehend his last sentence. “Excuse me? Why would you assume it’s hay related?”

“Well see... that's the thing. When I’m at like a restaurant everypony offers me something hay or flower related. I knew that there was a place in Trottingham that makes great pizza. But as far as Ponyville goes, the only thing I’ve eaten regularly are fruits, veggies, and junk food.”

“It doesn't have to be,” she said, frowning. “You know, ponies can make things that aren't hay related. It’s not always hay fries and daisy sandwiches,” she snarked. Spinning on her heel, she gestured with her hoof and pointed down the road. “Come on, it’s close enough to evening where we can hit up a restaurant.”

Barrett reeled back in surprise and shook his head. “No, I mean as far as cheap regular food goes. I know that ponies can cook I’m just saying—”

Grace simply continued trotting away, her hips swaying with each stop. “Too late, I’ve already invited you. Now come on.”

Sighing reluctantly, Barrett took one more glance at the confectionary behind him. “Wonder where Berry went?” he muttered to himself, remembering that he was talking to somepony else beforehand. Peaking in through the window, he looked around but found no sight of the pink pony or his… suspicious donuts. Figuring that Berry probably had better things to be doing, he turned around and followed the mare.

However, above the entrance of the store, and with his face plastered against the window, Berry stared down with wide eyes at Barrett and this other mare as they talked and walked away.

Berry gasped against the glass and tore his face off. “Oh… my… cupcakes!” Panicking, Berry turned and ran over to his bed where his loving pet, and a plate of freshly cream filled donuts, sat.

“Gummy did you see that!” Berry lifted the alligator to his face. “That model just invited Barrett to dinner! Do you know what this means?!” he asked, shaking the docile reptile around.

Berry stopped shaking the Gummy for a second to get his response. The blank eyed alligator simply stared at him, offering no response aside from a slow blink. However, in that single blink, Berry got his answer.

To which he responded with a scoff and a playful eye roll. “What? A date? Of course not.” His cheery grin turned back into a super serious frown. “No, this means that she going to try to recruit Barrett into her agency!” Berry resumed the shaking. “You remember the Butterscotch incident, right? Barrett wasn’t here for that! He doesn't know how bad it is!”

Dropping the reptile, Berry covered his mouth with his hooves. “I can’t let him accept the deal or I’ll barely ever get the chance to see him!” he gasped. Throwing a hoof into the air, Berry came to a defining conclusion. “I can’t let him go through with it!”

With new found determination, Berry dashed out of his room and down the stairs, blatantly ignoring Mrs. Cake's yelling to be careful.

Author's Notes:

"Yayyyyy I did a chapter all bi miself!!" ~Spirit Shift

"Screw you I helped!!" ~Viewpoint Robin

"I didn't, lol" ~An Empty Shell

CH4: Metal Cream Solid: Cake Eater

Before setting off on his mission the once pink stallion had taken the liberty of cladding himself in a green camouflage suit and decorating his face and mane with various shades of green. In addition to that he also wore a black bandana. And just to complete the reference he also a candy cigar in his mouth which he chewed on idly. Currently, in an attempt to further hide his presence from his bipedal target, he was stationed in a portable fake bush.

“What do you plan to do?” he muttered softly. In front of Bubble Berry was a compact version of his party cannon equipped with an expensive looking zoom capable scope that had also been camouflaged by the fake bush. Berry gently adjusted the focus on the scope to get a clearer view of Barrett and Ample Grace whom had stopped walking and began making small talk.

“There you two are…” he grinned, having placed the crosshairs dead centre over Ample Grace’s head. “I swear if you ever think about moving that hoof there… Bang.” He then focused the crosshairs over Barret’s rear. “Oh ho ho. This was so worth getting, I can see his flank in HD.” He fiddled with his knobs again in order to get a closer look. “Now to see what you guys are up to.”

He then slapped on a pair of headphones and held out a large audio receiver disk, angling it to pick up on Barrett and Ample Grace’s conversation.

“So you really are the only human here?” Ample Grace asked.

“Yeah… I guess I am,” he answered, letting out a dramatic sigh.

“You must feel so out of place, don’t you? Not being around others of your own kind has gotta feel really weird.”

Barrett couldn’t help but chuckle. “Not really. Maybe it was weird for the first few days but I got used to it pretty quickly. Not like I was a super social guy back home or anything,” he said, his tone noticeably lowering in his last comment.

Even so, Grace gave him a sky smile. “So you made yourself at home here? All nice and comfortable then?” she said, sarcasm dripping from her words like hot butter on an uneaten pancake.

Sarcasm that Barrett quickly took note of. “Oh, you have no idea. I might seem high strung, but to be truthful, I’m the most chill guy in Equestria. From a few friends who don’t seem to take ‘no’ for an answer, to the fact my house was burned down, and now I just unintentionally hurt Butterscotch's feelings, my nerves are as limp as my wallet. You know… the one that burned in my house.” Barrett let out another, even more dramatic sigh. “Alas Poor Benjamin, I knew him well,” he whimpered, completing the gesture by striking a dramatic mournful pose.

Grace gasped. “Oh no, who’s Benjamin? Was he a pet that got caught in the fire?”

Barrett threw his head back and let out a loud guffaw. “No, It’s… more or less money that I had from where I came from… It’s useless anyways seeing the predicament I was in.”

As Berry listened into the conversation, he could feel a small tint of guilt building up inside him. While it’s true from what Barrett said, they really didn’t have any intention to hurt him. Berry shook off this distracting feeling wavering inside him and resumed listening into the conversation.

Grace let out a small sigh of relief. “Oh, alright. Anyway, surely there is at least one of your friends that you do trust a whole lot?”

Barrett smiled, and nodded. “Actually there is one. One who actually does his best to make me feel welcomed and helps me feel like I am at home of my own.”

“Really? who is he?”

“You probably know him. He’s an earth pony, somewhat big pretty popular around here.”

This brought a big amount of excitement to Berry, but he restrained himself from blurting out. “Oh my Solaris, oh my Artemis. He’s going to say me!” he whispered loudly.

“His name is Applejack! Out of my friends, I’d say he is the one who seems to genuinely care about me in the most unromantic way.”

When Berry heard this revelation, the audio receiver fell out of his hooves and his eyes constricted into pinpricks. Slowly, the world began to seem less colorful in Berry’s eyes. His mane limpened as his two biggest worst fears were confirmed. Barrett already chose someone to love, and Berry was not being the bestest possible friend to Barrett. One he could take but both was too much for the poor guy.

His heart ached, wracked with a white hot searing pain of emotions. He clutched at his chest, taking calm deep breath. As if through sheer force of will, his mane began to re-inflate slightly.

“N-no… that can’t be right. Applejack be a better friend than me to Barry-o?” He started to chuckle softly. His seemingly hurtful expression turned into one of intense determination. “No way! I can be better, I know it! I can get Barry to trust me again. More Donuts, Berry Style!” he said, obviously forgetting his objective to be secretive.

“What are you doing?” asked a pony from behind him.

Berry looked over towards the new arrival and gasped. Acting immediately, he pulled out a tiny marble from his mane and smashed it on the ground, exploding a distracting cloud of ninja smoke.

The small brown filly that Berry recognized as Silver Bell’s maybe-filly friend, Joystick, began to cough a bit from the smoke.

However, once it cleared up, Joystick saw that there was no sign of Berry or his equipment, just a big cardboard box. Joystick blinked, staring down at the cardboard for a second before shrugging.

Turning away, she trotted off. “I guess it was just my imagination,” she muttered.

When Joystick had left the area. The box grew a pair of pink legs and scooted away quickly.

Meanwhile Barrett had seen a smoke cloud and afterwards a box scooting away. When the box realized that it was visible, it stopped before stopping still. “What the heck is that?” he muttered, his eyes narrowing down on the box.

“What was what?” Ample Grace turned around, unfortunately, she only saw a still motionless box. Trotting over to it and peering down, Grace read a bit of text from on the side of it. “Looks like one of the boxes from the Box Ghost Box Emporium. I guess some poor delivery pony just dropped it.”

Barrett still standing in the same spot slowly turned to look at her, bewilderment engraved on his face like words on a stone monument. “The... what?

Grace turned and walked back towards him, shrugging off his question and returning to the previous topic. “Don’t worry about it.” she said, walking ahead.

Barrett still stared at the box for a few more seconds before turning and following Grace.

As they made their way, Grace continued. “Well, anyway, I’m glad you have at least one reliable friend. But what about Bubble Berry? I saw you talking to him on my way outside.” She smiled up at him. “You looked like you were having a good time. And for that matter what about Blitz?”

Barrett, glanced upwards, a a furrowed brow signalling the turning gears in his head. “I don’t know about Blitz but Berry is… an amazing friend to be honest. Though, that being said, he’s like a… a… really expensive drink. Amazing to taste, a great stress reliever, and a man’s best friend after a hard day. However, drink more than a shot at once and I feel like killing myself. Honestly, I think he’s a great guy and I’d love to hang around him more, but god if he isn’t like poison to an introvert like me, he’s just too strong.”

This caused Ample Grace to giggle, just a bit. Looking up at the sky herself, she attempted to figure out what time it was. When she did she frowned slightly. “Hey, let’s pick up the pace a bit. I think we wasted too much time. I wanna be the first one to get some of the delicious pizza they serve at this restaurant.”

“A model that eats pizza?” asked the human incredulously, one brow raised and a sly smirk on his face.

“YEAH!” she exclaimed with great enthusiasm, her voice going just a bit deeper for a second before she immediately recollected herself. At Barrett’s surprised look, Ample Grace’s face flushed. “Sorry about that… I… really like pizza.”

Barrett stared down at her. For a second his eyes narrowed as if trying to piece together something with his mind. Grace stared back, growing more nervous with each second.

Eventually, he shrugged and chuckled. “Hey, I’m not one to judge on what people… err ponies eat. Hell, if you can eat pizza and still keep that shape, who am I to complain.” Barrett said with a smile. “And pizza does sound great at the moment.”

Ample Grace stretched her wings and gently fluttered above ground, guiding Barrett down a path. Once they were out of sight, Berry, who, shockingly, was in the box the entire time, poked his head out.

“This is bad news, I can’t use the spy listening thingie from in here. They could be talking about anything right now!” Berry let out a gasp. “She could be offering him a contract as we speak!” Berry put a hoof to his chin and adopted a look of intense thought. “Right. I need to call in for some intel.”

Berry ducked back inside his box and scurried off in another direction. Stopping in a nearby alleyway, he held up a walkie talkie to his ear and began talking into it. “Colonel. Come in Colonel.”

In another part of the alley on the other side of Berry’s box, Berry picked up another walkie talkie and spoke in a scruffy, gravely voice. “This is Colonel responding. Agent GumPone, what is your situation?!”

Berry nodded, her back going straight as she sat upward in attention. “This is Agent GumPone, Colonel, sir! I may need some assistance, there is some trap leading Barret inside the store. I believe that she’s going to bribe him with delicious pizza, sir!”

“Copy that, Agent. I’ll send in a supply cache. With it you will find everything you need to complete this mission. You go and make sure the high priority target; Bestest Buddy Bud Barry-o Briggity Biggs is okay.”

Agent GumPone nodded, a smile on his face. “Thank you sir, and must I say you have a fine voice this day, sir.” Berry then returned to speaking in a scruffy voice.

“No no no, you have a fine voice, Agent GumPone,” the Colonel responded stiffly, if a bit too stiffly. If Berry didn’t know any better, he would have thought that the Colonel was blushing, even just a bit. “But this is no time for neither chit nor chat. Proceed with your mission. Colonel out!”

Just then, another box, nearly identical to the one Berry himself was in, slammed down next to the stallion. Berry, only mildly surprised at the speed, and actuality, of the supply cache reaching him, threw open the new boxes lid. After a bit of rummaging and stuffing things in his mane, Berry pulled out a grappling hook.

Not wasting a second, he pointed it up and fired. Feeling it latch onto the ledge of the building, Berry began climbing upwards. Humming a soft tone. “Cake Eater~. Ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhhh. Cake Eater!”

~~~

“The Golden Trough,” muttered Barrett, looking up at the large sign. Upon arriving at their destination. Barrett had taken a second to look over the establishment. It was definitely a restaurant. It was large, smelled of food, and looked expensive as hell. “Just like on earth,” he muttered to himself.

“This place is resturaunt central,” Ample Grace mentioned. “With a wide variety of foods to choose from, from fresh fruit to fried hayburgers. my favorite has always been their pizzas. From the standard cheese pizza to the Rainbow Pizza Supreme,” she said, excitement drooling from her words like honey.

Barrett looked down at her, skeptical. “Excuse me… Rainbow Pizza?”

“Do not mock the rainbow! You must taste it!” Grace began glaring at him as she began spinning a tale like it was the holy narrative. “The bread made from yeast cultivated in the magical desert in the middle of South Equestria. Placed upon it with glittering sauce from tomatoes of a crystal like texture. Capped with melted ripe aged mozzarella cheese from the milk of cows conceived and grown in the long lost lands of the Unknown. The entire thing roasted with the diluted heat of the sun by the great Prince Solaris himself and topped a myriad of other ingredients held from the general public.

Barrett opened his mouth to respond, only for Grace to cut him off. “And finally, just before it is presented, the pizza is christened by a single drop from a double rainbow. You know, for that extra spicey flavour.”

Barrett just stared at her, brow raised skeptically. “Sounds like the Mary Sue of pizzas. Zero outta ten, do not want in me. What else they got?”

Grace pursed her lips and glared at him. Turning around with a scoff she made her way towards the front doors. “Shows what you know. It’s fine, since you probably taste the rainbow every other day anyway.”

“Wait wha-”

“Whatever,” Grace continued. “They have all kinds of stuff here. Tortellini, Portabella mushrooms, a bunch of weird sounding Neightallian dishes and stuff. Probably something for humans too.”

As she talked, the two of them crossed through the door. Barrett looked around the inside of the place. It was modestly decorated, the wall were a warm brownish red colour that had been made to feel even warmer by the soft glow of the lights hanging from the ceiling. If it were any closer to nighttime Barrett was sure that it would be crawling with romantic couples.

But, as it stood now, Barrett had a markedly different opinion. “This place feels expensive,” he said, grimacing. His eyes then traveled over to the only out of place looking thing. An older looking, scruffy furred grey earth pony stallion lounging against the side front podium, reading what looked to be a playcolt magazine.

“A big time chef from Canterlot started this place, you know,” said Ample Grace. “Apparently, he was mad that food cost so much there and that not a lot of regular ponies could eat it. So, he came to Ponyville and made this place so everypony could feel fancy. Everything here is so high class and cheap it’s crazy. Half the reason I come here in between my tours is just to eat at this place.”

“Besides the fact that you live here?” asked Barrett, still staring at the stallion.

“What do you think the other half is?” Grace chuckled and walked up to the greeter. Before she could even address him, the stallion looked up from his magazine and immediately broke out into a huge grin.

“Oh shite!” the grey stallion nearly shouted, tossing his book away. Away being right into Barrett’s face. “Where the fuck ya been, ma wee lass? Ah d’knae how we managed to function without ye it’s been so long! Welcome back!”

Grace chuckled and turned to introduce him to the human. “M-maybe more than half I guess. Barrett, this is Scruffy Kilt. He’s… well… protection.”

“Protection?” muttered Barrett, slackjawed from behind the book.

“Yup, he keeps the place casual,” she answered, flying up and grabbing the book.

Kilt nodded proudly. “Aye ya weird lookin’ laddie. Ya see here, our owner here really hated the stuffy air in the high class eaties. He said the food wa’ fit for nae more tha’ what you’d feed yer hounds, wha’ wi’ the whole regiment ae’ different forks that scum use. I seen nowt like’t in all my years, I’d swear’t they even had one for pickin yer nose. So my job is to make ya feel all comfy-like while I get ya all seated. Say, where’d the sir and lass like t’be seated?”

Grace took a quick look around and shrugged. “Anywhere is fine really. We’re the first ones here so I don’t think it matters.”

Kilt lifted a hoof and gestured around. “Alright, well if that’s the way you want to play’t, then park your arses wherever y’ see fit.”

Motioning to Barrett, Grace lead them further into the store, however, as the human passed the podium, he felt a hoof catch his shirt sleeve. He turned to see Kilt giving him a sly grin.

“Oi, lad,” he whispered glancing at the human. “Iff’n yer here seekin’ tae take yon bonny lass home so she can… fiddle with yer bagpipe, Ah gotta warn ye, be careful. Also, iff’n anythin’ goes wrong, yer payin for the damages.”

At the mention of the word date, Barrett’s face immediately flushed a light pink colour. He opened his mouth to respond, but before he could, Grace called out his name.

“Barrett, you coming?” she called looking over at him. “Are you talking to Kilt?”

Barrett looked from her, to back to Kilt who had gone back to reading his dirty magazine. While he wanted to ask about what the stallion meant, he liked the sound of this being a date. And if this was a date, he didn’t want to keep the pretty mare waiting.

“Yeah, I’m coming.” With that, he and Grace left to find a seat.

Unbeknownst to them, another pony had entered after him. This new pony wore nothing but a moustache, and a yellow wig that looked like his normal mane but… well… a different color. Finally, completing his master disguise, Barry had acquired a pair of fake cutie mark accessories. Each of normal balloons were now also wearing a moustache and wig. Berry sauntered up to the podium and cleared his throat.

When Kilt looked down at the stallion he himself could barely contain a chuckle. “Oh Berry, what in the plaid coloured hell are ye up to today, hm?”

Berry turned away and scoffed. “Well I would be scaling the skylight but you guys don’t have one. So now I have to use the front door.”

Kilt rolled his eyes, a playful grin still on his face. “Aye my eyes nae be decievin’ me yet m’lad. I’m askin whit yer doin in yon costume.”

Berry took two quick glances back and forth before leaning up to Kilt and lowering his mustache. “I’m here to make sure that my best buddy Barrett doesn’t get gypped by that mare,” he muttered.

“Have you been eating those special cupcakes of yer’s, laddie?” asked Kilt, his eyes narrowing down on the semi disguised stallion

Berry shook his head and reaffixed his moustache. “Nope. Now if you’ll excuse me. I need to sit at the most convenient yet well hidden area.” Berry then trotted into the main area of the restaurant, searching for a seat that gave him a good view of Barrett and Grace.

Applying a smaller, more efficient listening device to his ear, Berry tuned in to their conversation.

“Well you know what I’m getting,” said Grace, sitting down her menu. Before she and her companion had even found a place to sit she had flagged down a waiter and placed her order. “What are you thinking about?” she asked.

Barrett, unlike her, was staring deeply into the menu while flipping pages back and forth and checking out the pictures of foods and their descriptions. His brow had long since furrowed and his mouth opened and closed periodically, seemingly ready to order each time but stopping whenever something new passed by his gaze.

Grace, a smug smile forming on her face, simply leaned onto the table and stared at him. “I’m guessing you like what they serve here?”

Barrett didn’t even look up from the menu. “It’s… really varied. I’m more surprised about how evenly priced everything is. I swear to God I’ve only seen like one thing on this list that more than 15 bits and that’s the Rainbow Pizza that’s like 10,000.”

“I know right. The head chef only makes one every few months and you need to reserve it as soon as possible.”

Barrett lowered the menu slightly and looked up from it. “Don’t tell me…”

Ample Grace just nodded and Barrett rolled his eyes. However, when he went back to look at the menu, the mare in front of him reached out with a hoof and pulled it back down. “Oh put that away. The pizza I ordered is big enough for both of us.”

A few booths over, Berry let out a small gasp. “I knew it! That model is going to bribe him with pizza until he decides to join her! I’ve got to find a way to stop them.”

“Order up!” shouted the voice of one of the chefs.

A waitress began to carry the platter of two single slices of pizza over towards the table where Barrett and Grace sat at. As she sat the plates in front of them, Barrett’s eyes glazed over the pizza, it was similar to the one his homeworld had. A four cheese pizza, he gently took a whiff of the aroma.

“You were right Grace, this does look delicious.” He said, Barrett tried his best not to let his mouth over water. But then a curious matter popped up in his mind. “Is this the Rainbow Pizza?”

Grace scoffed shook her head. “Of course not. This is for you. There is a saying when eating pizza.”

Barrett let out a small chuckle. “Oh really? Is it something like Justin 3:16 Eat, Pray, and Love.”

“No… I have no idea who or what that is but it sounds like a stupid saying,” she said without missing a beat. “It goes like this.... One does not simply consume the best, without trying the first.”

Barrett snickered, “I see what you did there.”

Grace tilted her head in confusion. “Did what?”

Barrett blushed and sank back into his seat. “S-sorry, earth joke.”

“This isn’t a joke,” Grace huffed. “Look there are three things I love in this world. I love modeling nice clothes that make me look cute, and I love eating pizza that tastes great.”

Barrett stared at her, waiting patiently. When Grace failed to continue he gestured to her by rolling his hand. “And?”

“And what?” she asked, genuinely confused.

“What’s the third thing?”

Slowly, Ample Grace’s eyes went wide and her face reddened rapidly. “N-nothing. I was wrong, there’s no third thing,” she stammered, her gaze avoiding his.

Barrett shrugged, grabbing a slice of pizza.

Berry observed the scene, looking through a pair of mini binoculars. “Dang it. It’s already starting.” Meanwhile, a rather tall green coated waitress pony had made her way up to the stallion.

“Sir, are you ready to order?” said the waitress, looking down on him with an expression of half amusement and half confusion.

Berry lowered the binoculars and turned to look at the mare, his eyes narrowed to pinpricks of seriousness. “Bring me… A mug of sasaparilla. Extra fizzy.” He then turned back to the scene. “Things are about to go down,” he muttered darkly.

The waitress raised an eyebrow and decided not to question Berry Bubble’s response.

Berry then focused onto Barrett as he ate his slice of pizza. He could feel his heart skip a beat as a tendril of cheese fell down to his chin and again as Barrett slurped it back up.

“Oh Barrett… I wish you could slowly feed me that pizza… Sliding it’s tasty cheesy goodness into my mouth.” Berry licked his lips. “I’d even let you tug on my ears as you did it.” Berry trailed off, continuing to mutter softly to himself, somewhat being distracted from his mission.

However, his spying gaze soon traveled over to Grace who, while still heartily enjoying her pizza with more enthusiasm than Barrett, still ate her slice with the grace of a star. Not a wire of cheese nor a drop of oil fell from her slice as she ate.

Berry hummed thoughtfully. “Hmm, she hasn't offered him a deal yet. She must be waiting to butter him up with this so called Rainbow Pizza of hers.” Berry lifted his head and gasped, eyes shrunken. “Oh no, what if she put something in it? Hypnosis pills? Truth serum? Viagra?! This situation has just evolved into a code red. My top priority is to ‘eliminate’ the surprise immediately.”

“Order up!” shouted a chef.

Berry’s ears twitched and he turned around. Leaving through the kitchen doors was a waitress pushing a cart. On the cart was a large platter covered by a large dome lid.

“Now why would this dish be covered up…” Berry thought, his mind processed many possibilities before arriving at the obvious one. “Oh no!”

Grace gripped the top of the lid. “Feast your eyes, on the greatest pizza known to ponies, griffins and some species of dragons. ‘s So good, they banned it in forty nine of the fifty two Haymareican states.”

Barrett rolled his eyes. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

As the lid rose, a radiant prismatic glow began to exit the dome. Barrett’s eyes widened and Grace’s grin followed suit.

Barrett stared at the prismatic pizza, the various colours gently giving off a blindingly wonderful glow. “Well I’m seeing it and now I can’t tell if I’ll go blind from eating the pizza or looking at it,” he said plainly.

“Don’t be like that Barrett. As the guest of honor, you have the first slice.” Grace said as she leaned back on her seat.

Barrett shrugged and was slowly reached for a slice. As he lifted the delicacy a crossbow bolt whizzed through the air and stabbed right through the slice, pinning it to the seat next to him. Barrett to quickly yanked his hand back. “Whoa! What the hell?!”

On the bolt was a small round object with a lit fuse. Barrett’s eyes immediately went wide. “Oh fuck my life…”

Grace raised an eyebrow more shocked that someone had shot the pizza rather than the fact that Barrett was almost shot. “What the heck?”

As the fuse went out, the object expanded to thrice its size before it exploding outward. Thick white cream splattered across the restaurant. The radius had been so large that several customers several feet away had also had been buffeted by the rain of milky white cream. Though unfortunately, Barrett and Grace had received most of the impact, getting their faces covered with the mysterious substance.

Berry stood up from his hiding spot, his disguise gone, twirling a crossbow like tool in his hoof. He then gently blew away the smoke from the top of the wooden arrow launcher. “Mission accomplished, Barret’s Package has been well and truly delivered.” He said before a splatter of cream got on his face.

After about a minute, when the white cream begin to drip down the walls, Barrett and Grace continued to look down at the now clear white table. A large circular bulge was the only indication of the pizza that was still there.

Grace’s eyes were wide as saucers while her jaw had figuratively slammed into the table. Barrett, meanwhile, slowly removed his glasses and carefully looked around at the cloudy white substance covering everything from his head to his feet. Like syrup, it streaked down his face and into his shirt. Barrett shivered as it even reached certain other places.

It was sticky, and it was everywhere.

Barrett let out a deep groan, but as he did a sweet and familiar scent wafted into his nasal orifice. Reaching out a hand, he wiped away a bit of cream from his cheek with his middle finger and licked it. As it touched his tongue recognition flashed in his eyes.

“Is this Berry’s Cream?” he muttered. Slamming a hand on the still covered table he stood up and yelled, “Berry are you in here? Is this some kind of prank?!”

Dramatically, Berry hopped from his hiding place to the top of Barrett’s table. As his hooves slammed down on the pizza, Grace recoiled as if the air had been beaten out of her. She even started to emit a low wheeze as Berry began his declaration.

“Yes, my love! It is I, Bubble Berry!” he said, standing tall with his head held high and a hoof to his chest. “I came here to warn you!”

Barrett, while wanted to be furious, couldn’t help but feel emotional state shift over to confusion. “Warn me? You blew a load of cream in my face!”

Berry, at least, had the decency to blush and look away shyly. “I-in my defence there was way more cream than I thought there'd be. Honestly, it was supposed to just be a distraction. But anyway!” Berry reached down and picked up the human by his collar. “B. Bubs, you can’t listen to this mare! Modeling isn't all it's cracked up to be, just ask Butterscotch. And plus they didn’t even give you any pie!”

Barrett‘s brow furrowed further. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said plainly. “From what she’s told me, modeling sounds great.”

Berry let him go and then sat himself down. As the pizza let out a squishing noise, Grace’s chest immediately convulsed. She slammed to her chest and let out a louder wheeze. Slowly, she could feel her heart cease to beat.

Berry stared down at Barrett, his eyes glossing over and beginning to shimmer. “S-so you’re seriously considering it? But then you’ll never see us again. You won’t have time. We’d have to start a long distance relationship! Is that what you want Barrett? I mean, I can love you from another planet but I don’t think you could handle it,” he said, his voice falling into a whimper.

Barrett placed a hand on his face and sighed into it.

“You..”

Both Barrett and Berry’s heads snapped up and the sudden hiss. Both of them turned to see Grace staring down at the once great food now that had been reduced to a squishy plot pad for the pink pissant positioned upon it.

Slowly, Ample Grace’s hooves rose into the air. “You’ve gotta be FUCKING KIDDING ME!” shouted, slammed her hooves onto the table. The thick wood splintered under the force of her two hooves.

The reaction caused Berry to jump up and leap onto Barrett lap.

With a strong whinny, Ample Grace grabbed the edge of the table and, with disturbing ease, wrenched the bolted piece of furniture out of the linoleum floor and hurled it upwards. The table flew upwards through the ceiling and smashed through the small circular window that had only recently been installed.

Berry could only watch, slack jawed, as the table flew up into the sky. “I… guess they did have a skylight.”

Barrett gaped as he looked backed at Grace. He then whimpered as she turned her furious look at the two of them. He shrunk back before noticing that her glare was in fact directed at the pony in his grasp glaring at Berry. Before he realized what he was doing he had wrapped the stallion in his arms protectively.

“Why, in the name of Solaris’ beard, did you think that was a good idea?!” she yelled stomping over towards them and staring right into Berry’s eyes. The stallion shrank into Barrett who, in turn, shrank back into his booth seat. “Do you have even an inkling of a clue about how long I have waited for that pizza you pink haired mud slinging idiot,” she hissed, a crazed grin growing on her face. Barrett couldn’t help but notice the veins now popping out of her forehead.

“Do you know how much I needed this today?” she continued. To Barrett’s shock and awe the more effortlessly tore Berry away from him and held him up in the air. “Do you know how I get when I can’t get at least one slice inside me?”

Berry gave her a nervous grin as he wrapped his hood around hers and struggled, in vain, to pry himself away. “Heh… um… you get very strong for a model?”

Ample Grace, whom had been growling before had gone silent her composure apparently finally beginning to return. Taking a cursory glance around the area of the store. All of the waitresses and waiters had taken cover and Scruffy Kilt, whom hadn’t moved from his podium, was just shaking his head.

Wordlessly, Ample Grace dropped Berry and took a few steps back. From under the white smudges on her cheeks Barrett could see a faint blush on her face.

Barrett was about to say something, but Grace cut him off. “No! You know what, Berry... I get it.” Grace said, taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself.

Berry blinked a few times. “What do you mean?”

“Look, I know you love Barrett… I get it, he seems like a great guy. But you need to get it through your thick, squishy head that he’s dating Blitz. If you want him that badly then take it up with your friend.”

Grace then took in a deep breath, held it for a second, then let it out with a deep shiver. “Now Barrett,” she continued, her voice shaking with restraint, “I am perfectly fine with you… you’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t tell anyone about the table. I will pay for it so don’t worry. But please… keep your fucking insane friends under control. ”

With a quick heel turn, Grace swiftly left the building, leaving the staff to all let out a collective sigh of relief. As if used to this somehow, they all quickly began to sort themselves out to various damage control stations. One pony had begun cleaning the cream off of everything, one pony began cleaning up the glass, and another had walked up to them.

That pony was none other than Scruffy Kilt, who simply shook his head at the human. “Aye laddie D’nae say I didn’t warn ye. The wee lass may look like a scrap o’ skin n’ bone, but she’s strong as ten manticores wi’ blue balls, an’ twice as mean. It’s actually kinda impressive. Accordin’ to the rumors, she used to be some sort of professional weight lifter?” It was then that Barrett’s eyes shrank and it had all come together. An amber coloured mane? A white coat? He knew that there was only a few other ponies that could be Ample Grace’s male equivalent. And Barrett was sure as hell that it wasn't Blueblood.

The realization shook him slightly but before he could figure out exactly how he felt about that, another piece of information slammed into the forefront of his mind.

“She thinks I’m dating Blitz…” he muttered a far away look in his eyes.

“Either way,” Kilt continued, oblivious to Barrett’s mental conundrums. “Without her pizza, she’s gonna be more grumpy than a cat with a pinecone up its arse.”

Barrett dramatically wiped a bead of sweat from his brow. “Jeez louise! Was that pizza so important?”

A group of ponies whom had begun cleaning the, now tableless, booth, let out a few defeated whimpers as they uncovered the remains of what was once the greatest dish in existence. What had been formally renowned for making other dishes jealous was now nothing more that a squished mess of ingredients and cream.

Each of the clean up ponies, no matter where they were, stopped and looked towards the fallen and dipped their heads in mourning. Kilt shrugged and trotted off.

Berry, confused, walked over to the pile and stuck his hoof in it. It came out with a pile of pizza mush and cream. Shrugging he stuffed the thing into his mouth.

He immediately spit it out. “Eggghh! I don’t know if it’s just my cream that tastes like this or the pizza, but it’s really bitter…” Berry smacked his lips a few times. “And salty!”

Author's Notes:

"I have absolutely no regrets... but this might be my favorite chapter," ~Spirit Shift

"I can't wait for the comments," ~The Almighty Lord Inquisitor"

"We have gayed where no gay has gone before," ~The Empty Shell

Puns! Quips! Jokes! I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH THIS!" Check out these alternate titles I came up with!" ~Viewpoint Robin

“Pizza! Spies! Cream!”
“Salty Splatoon”
“Pizza versus Cream.”
“Call of Pizza III: Cream Ops.”
“Creamy Salty Turnabout.”
“Cream Pizza.”
“Remember, creaming in public is illegal in eleven states”
“Creaming in public is generally considered to be a bad move.”
“Cream, meet face.”
“Berry’s Triple B (Big Bukkake Bomb)”

CH5: Actual Apologies

Author's Notes:

Not gonna lie, it's been a while. You might wanna go back and read the previous chapter for context. We've all been busy with the Youtube thing.

So we made Viewpoint Robin write half of this by himself!

“I swear, Berry just… just don’t talk to me right now! Go away!”

Bubble Berry, his tail slugging limply behind him, couldn't help but repeat that line in his head as he glumly traveled down the evening road of Ponyville. The stores were closing and ponies were already heading back to their homes. More than a few of them looked at him worriedly his way when they saw that Berry didn’t bother to greet or even glance at the ponies he trotted past. The only thing that Berry could see, perhaps the one thing he could never forget was Barrett’s cold and furious eyes still leering down at him.

“Bubble Berry?” spoke a familiar voice.

Berry stopped in his tracks. “Applejack?” he looked up towards his friend.

“Berry, what’s wrong with ya?” Applejack asked, as he trotted towards Berry. The earth pony had clearly been out shopping, as evident by his saddle bags being full with groceries. “You look more down than the mouse caught in a trap. What’s the matter?”

Berry sighed and his gaze fell lower and lower. “I made a mistake with Barrett. I didn’t mean to, I was trying to help.”

“It’s okay, but you do know your house is not that away,” Applejack said.

Berry Bubble let out a soft sigh. “I know… I’d rather just be out for a walk, anything to clear my mind.”

“How’s about I walk with ya, pardner?” Applejack asked, his lips curled into a smile. “I’m sure ya need someone to be at your side.”

Berry nodded, muttering a whimper, “Okie dokie lokie…” before he resumed his trotting.

Applejack’s smile coiled down to a frown as he realized that something must’ve been really eating at Berry to make him this low.

He quickly caught up with Berry. “You know, the sunset is looking great today,” Applejack said, attempting to stir up some small talk.

“Uh-huh…” Berry gloomed.

Applejack winced and attempted again to stir up some small talk once more. “Uhh… you know the crusaders tried to get their cutie mark in tracking animals. They ended up covered in maple syrup,” he chuckled, hoping this would get a reaction from from Berry.

“Uh-huh…” Berry repeated in the same tone.

“Come on Berry, I’m sure there oughta be something to cheer you up,” Applejack said gently. “Like a joke or a party.”

“I don’t think I’m in the mood for either of the two…” Berry muttered.

“Then can we at least talk?” Applejack asked. “It’s not like you for your mood to be more sour than an apple pie baked with lemons.”

Berry stopped and gave Applejack a stoic gaze. “We are talking right now.”

“Then can you tell me what is wrong with you?” requested Applejack giving him with a patient smile.

Finally, Berry nodded and sat down. “Have you ever felt like you couldn’t fix your mistake, no matter what you did?”

Applejack stared at Berry, not really understanding for the first few moments. Then, his eyes wide and he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “Berry did you kill someone?!”

Berry stumbles back a bit, nearly falling over after hearing such an asinine accusation. “What? No!” he blurted back. “Do I look like a crazy stabby pants?” Berry asked indignantly, his limp mane flinging around as he shook his head back and forth.

“Well…” Applejack grimaced, slightly regretting what he had asked. “You did say it was a problem you couldn’t fix.”

“I said felt,” he corrected, glaring at him. “Big difference.”

“Look,” Applejack started, “why don’t we go talk about this under the apple tree.” He then pointed over to a hill. “We could discuss everything there and I promise you will feel better than a red delicious dipped in caramel.”

“Well that does sound delicious,” Berry pointed out. His mane seemed to regain a portion of its former glory and he finally managed a smile. “Race you to the hill!”

AJ relieved to see the pony at least grin, happily accepted. “You’re on!” The two earth ponies raced towards the hill.

Berry made up the hill first and began to pronk happily. “Haha! I win!” he cheered.

“That you did, Berry. That you did.” Applejack chuckled, he then sat down and looked towards the sky.

Berry followed his actions and the two sat in silence, with only the ambient sounds of the of a gentle wind breezing through the apple tree to serenade them for what seemed like minutes.

“Fake Smiles…” Berry said, breaking the silence.

Applejack looked towards him, an eyebrow raised. “Smiles?”

When Barrett first came here, every time he was around us, he would often wear a fake smile, usually to make us feel better or to hide what he was really feeling… That’s what is wrong with me,” Berry explained.

This piqued Applejack’s curiosity, Berry was one to enjoy smiles. He cleared his throat and asked. “Do you think you can shed some light on that one? I don’t get it.”

“If there is one thing I can not stand, it’s a fake smile,” Berry said. “It brings me back some painful memories.”

“How can a smile be fake?” Applejack asked, trying to grasp at how a simple gesture could be false. Even as the element of honesty, honestly, it confused him.

“A fake smile is when you look happy, but really are just hurting inside,” Berry explained.

“So you want to do your best to make sure Barrett has something to smile about?” Applejack assumed. He then decided to lie back on the grass. “Well I must say you do a good job at it.”

Barrett frowned and shook his head. “No, because if I did… he wouldn’t be a crabby crabby pants all the time,” Berry stated, he lightly ran his hoof through the blades of the grass. “It would be even better if he stopped hiding behind that wall.”

“Berry, Barrett is doing fine,” Applejack stated, he then waved his hoof. “Sure he stays home… er… used to stay home holed up in his place more than the rest of us. He’s just shyer than a late blooming bud on an apple tree is all.”

“Then what am I supposed to do, AJ?” whimpered Berry. “What am I supposed to do so that I don’t lose Barrett?”

“Now what in the hay are you spitting on about?” asked Applejack. “Barrett is as healthy as a fiddle. I don’t think that bronco is going to be kicking the bucket anytime soon.”

“But what if he’s hiding a serious medical condition?” Berry questioned, his tone growing more frantic. “What if he puts on a fake smile around me so I don’t know it?!”

Applejack sat up, his mood soon becoming agitated. “Berry, this isn’t funny. You are getting head over hooves about nothing.” AJ took a second to sigh and calm himself. “I don’t know what the hay is wrong with you. First, you said you messed up something with Barrett, then you go on about smiles and now you are acting like Barrett’s gonna kick the bucket or something.”

Leaning down, Applejack sat a hoof on the colt’s shoulder. “Berry... what’s really rustlin ya?”

Berry remained silent, he only looked at Applejack and stared down at the grass. “It happened to a friend of mine.”

Applejack’s eyes widened as he finally connected the dots. His ears folded back and he muttered, “I’m sorry, I-I didn’t know.”

“Because, I don’t want to remember it,” Berry muttered. “Everytime I see a fake smile, it reminds me of my friend. I never understood why did he did it though if he was always happy around me.”

“Berry, if it isn’t too much to ask.” Applejack took a few steps closer to him. “Could you tell me about this friend of yours.”

“His name was Pick Saw, he lived in the town near my family’s rock farm. He liked rocks too and he was as young as me after I got my cutie mark.” Berry let out a sad chuckle. “I bet if he was still here, he would be as tall as you right now.”

Applejack grimaced, before asking his question. “What happened to him?”

Berry looked at him, a steel gaze locked onto Applejack. “Lymphosarcoma.”

It took Applejack a second, but after furrowing his brow and sounding out the word in his mind a few times, his old schooling finally surfaced and he identified the word. “But… that’s-”

“Cancer,” Berry interrupted Applejack, he then looked into the skies. “He was my first friend but he was hurting so badly, and I didn't know until it was too late because his fake smile hid that truth from me.”

Applejack looked at Berry, he took off his hat. “I’m so sorry…”

“I never understood why he hid it from me in the first place, he could have told me what was wrong from the start but instead choose to hide it behind his smile,” Berry said, he clenched his eyes. “He handed me that slip of paper with that word on it, and even after the fact he told me. He still held that smile…”

Applejack placed a hoof onto his friend back. “I can understand him holding that fake smile, but what about after he told you the truth… Are you sure that smile was fake?”

“I don’t know…” Berry muttered. “I was just focused on making him smile. I wanted Pick Saw to look at the bright side of things, I wanted to laugh with him and we did too… But everything I did felt fake too because I couldn’t change the fact that his disease would take his life away.”

Applejack patted Berry’s shoulders. “I know how much we want our friends to stay forever…” Something clicked in his mind. “And as a matter of fact, they do.”

“Really?” Berry asked, he was curious to what Applejack meant.

“See, you will remember the good times you had with your friend. No matter what happens, you will always remember that,” Applejack grinned. “As a matter of fact, I bet he had fun with you. You made his last days amazing and I’m absolutely positive that his final smiles were as real as a red apple.”

Berry nods, he slowly began to understand what Applejack meant. His frown had soon turned to a soft sincere smile. “Yeah. You are right.”

“Look, I bet somewhere behind that wall of his, Barrett cares deeply about you. He’s probably just so nervous and scared to tell you. I mean, maybe he’s got somethin on his shoulders too. Maybe he just feels like he should be alone since he’s the only human here. But since none of us know and he’s not really willin’ to talk, you have to give Barrett some time to further adapt to this situation,” Applejack assured. “You understand, right pardner?”

Berry opened his mouth, he knew that he was eager to say something, but when he tried to talk, he couldn’t form words. Instead, he closed his mouth and began to think. Despite what Applejack said, Berry, deep down, couldn’t fathom the solution that, to be better friend, you’d have to not be around them.

Finally, Berry managed to put his thoughts into words. “But aren’t you basically telling me to ignore my friend?”

Applejack closed his eyes and shook his head. “I would try, but in the end I can’t really make your decisions for you, not can I?”

Berry’s ears folded, his gaze now redirecting towards the ground. “Oh…”

Applejack moved his hoof to Berry’s hoof. “Maybe you should ask yourself, what would you do in this position?”

Berry gently lifts his head up, “What would I do?” he muttered. His eyes threatened to water. Berry didn’t want to just ignore Barrett, just the sheer thought brought a fierce pain to his chest.

“I can’t!” he blurted out, squirming away from Applejack.

“What in the hey?” Applejack gasped. “Berry what’s bugging ya this time?”

“I can’t ignore Barrett just like that!” Berry argued, stomping his hoof on the ground. “It’s not the right thing to do! How is ignoring the pain, the thought that your friend would soon just disappear like that, the right thing to do?”

Applejack was about to speak, but no words came as Berry aggressively pointed at him. Instead, he just shook his head at my friend.

“All I want to do is make sure Barrett is happy! Give him something to smile about, but no!” he stamps forward. “He’s all nervous and scared to put on a real smile for me. The nerve of him!” He whinnied, panting fiercely.

Applejack gazed back up to Berry. “Do you think he would want to smile at the way you are acting?”

This cooled Berry’s hostility, he slumped down onto the grass. “No…” He said, his voice cracking as Berry could no longer withhold the urge to cry. “I just want to make Barrett smile,” he cried out,

Applejack flinched back a bit from the outburst, but quickly scooted closer to Berry and gave his friend a tight hug. “I do too, but sometimes we have to make hard choices like this. Even if it hurts us.”

“Please…” Berry begged. “I don’t want to ignore him, there has to be a different way than that!”

“Like I said, I can’t make this decision for you.” Applejack reminded his friend. “I would definitely help you make Barrett smile, but with what you pulled off...” he trailed off, pausing for a second. “Barrett needs some time alone if he was as mighty pissed as you say.”

“Don’t remind me…” Berry whined,

“Look, just because you made a mistake, doesn’t mean it is too late to fix it.” Applejack gave Berry’s back a few comforting pats. “So come on, how’s about we start small and buck this rainy mood away?”

Berry sniffled a bit, and after a few seconds he finally managed to dry his tears. He gazed at Applejack. Looking at his best friend smile back at him, Berry’s frown soon turned upside down.

Applejack chuckled. “Now there’s the smile I recognize. You feeling better there, haystack?”

Berry nodded and then moved a hoof to wipe his eyes for any remaining tears. “Yeah,” he paused, taking in a deep breath. “Thanks AJ, for taking the time to talk with me.”

“Don’t mention it, partner,” Applejack muttered. The two gazed towards the sunset, a comfortable silence falls on the pair. The sun slowly dipped beyond the horizon, darkening the once amber sky, the moon slowly rose to take it’s place of it’s golden sibling.

Berry looked out towards the night sky, watching the void be filled with many stars. He gave a small giggle and then turned towards AJ. “Do you think Barrett would enjoy looking at the night sky.”

“Probably.” Was all Applejack had to say, he looked towards Berry. “Why do ya ask?”

“No reason.” Berry said, his gaze now returning to the sky. “Just curious.”

~~~

“So…” Harpsichord began, staring at the, frankly quite filthy looking human who was covered in white stains from head to toe. While it looked like some had been wiped off what hadn’t been had dried, making his clothes go from sticky to crusty. “I… uhh… hope at least the bottoms of your feet are clean. Bon’s not gonna like it if you get human prints on the floor.”

Barret, still frowning, just stared at him. Shrugging, Harpsichord moved aside and allowed him into his home. To his good fortune, there were no resulting shoe prints.

Moving towards the living room, Barrett wasted no time in heading straight for the couch. Unfortunately, as he tried to sit down, he felt the familiar tingle of magic holding his hindquarters above the seat.

“Eeeyyeah,” hissed Harp cringing back, “I’m gonna need to put something down first. Gimmie a minute. Running over to a nearby closet, Harp pulled out what seemed to be a large yellow beach towel. He turned it this way and that, examining it and, shrugging, he placed it over the couch and released his magic.

Satisfied that his roommate and partner wouldn’t be on his case later, Harp moved over to his recliner that sat at an angle to the couch. “So, mr grouchy mcdowner butt what’s… all of that? You get hit with some sort of paint bomb”

Barrett only began to glower more. “Berry’s… confectionary creation. He interrupted my ‘date.’”

Harpo simply stared at him, his thin lined mouth belaying the loops his brain was doing. “So… I’ve got a few more questions… I’m pretty sure you can figure out where to start.”

Barrett sighed and threw his head back. Staring blankly up at the ceiling, he began to recall the events from earlier that day, from the pancakes, to Blitz actions, to finally finding his chance at a proper romance, and eventually to the creamy release. At some point during the conversation, Harpo silently levitated a large bottle of soda and a bucket of popcorn and reclined in his seat.

After about an hour, Barrett began nearing the end of his story, his limp posture unchanged from the start. “So I gave a very stern and calm speech to Berry, then I yelled at him for good measure, then I stormed off and came here since I didn’t feel like going all the way to Applejack’s.”

“So,” said Harpsichord, his voice muffled by the popcorn in his mouth. “What do you want me to do? Give you a hug, I don’t think I could deal with the misunderstanding that would happen if Bon walked in.”

Barrett shrugged. “I don’t know, honestly just talking about it makes me feel better but I’m still pissed at Berry for what he did.”

Harpo nodded. “And?”

Barrett groaned, some help he was. “Knowing him he probably had some happy go lucky reason that made sense only to him…”

“Uhuh… keep going.”

“And blowing up at him was probably counter productive because he’s gonna mope and I’ll feel bad and I’ll go comfort him and he’ll get the wrong idea and we’ll go on like nothing happened.” Barrett rolled his eyes.

Harpo burst out in a fit of chuckles, his fervent giggling causing several errant kernels to fall to the ground around him. “I’m kind of upset you see the pattern. I was hoping to watch and laugh at you!”

“Ha… ha,” muttered Barrett. “I’m not an idiot. I don’t plan on living the rest of my life on a cycle.”

“But you also can’t hold a grudge and have already forgiven him,” he mused, an insufferably smug grin on his face.

Barrett could only roll his eyes. Standing up he made his way to the door. “I’m not going to forgive him just yet though, not until I know that he’s learned his lesson.”

“I don’t know,” Harp muttered. Finishing off his popcorn, he stood up and followed Barrett, crunching and balling up the bag in his magic on the way. “I’ve known that wacky stallion for a while. He knows when to apologize when he does something wrong. You might not have to make him wait.”

Barrett simply shrugged. “Either way he won’t be doing this again.” After a second of silence, Barrett glanced over to Harpsichord and gave a small grin. “Thanks for listening to my ramble.”

Harp returned the grin and proudly trotted into the kitchen. “Don’t worry about it, anything for my favorite little human ball of stress. Just try not to ruin my floor next time.”

It was only then that Barrett had decided to look down. His face gain a small crimson hue at the sight of faint drying footprints leading from the door, to the couch, to back to the door. The collection of which served to effectively ruin the carpet he was standing on. “Sorry bout that.”

Harp’s voice carried through from the kitchen, supplemented by the cling clang of various silverware being moved around. “Don’t worry about it, we were just about to replace the carpet. Though I’m pretty sure Bon’s not gonna be happy about the price going down when we try to sell it.”

Barrett adjusted his glasses and took hold of the doorknob to leave. “I’ll just give Bon a custom wood carving of the two of you, he seems to really--” Opening the door, Barrett’s words trailed off into silence at the sight of a pink pony sitting on the doorstep, hooves held out towards the human holding what looked like a small wood carving of Barrett next to Berry with the former’s hand atop the latter’s mane. Though the carving was front and centre, Barrett’s eyes almost immediately focused on the bandages and wrappings on Bubble Berry’s hooves.

Berry slowly rose his head to look up from the ground. His eyes were watery, making them look even bigger than pony eyes naturally were. “I-I’m sorry, Barrett. I’m sorry for ruining your smile.”

Slowly Barrett took the carving into his own hands and examined it with the critical eye.

It was amateurish, there were scratching where there weren't supposed to be, one of Barrett’s arms looked far shorter than the other, Berry looked more like a mare with a slender nose and build, and various other imperfections.

“What’s this?” he asked, his brow raised.

Berry averted his gaze, his hunched over and meek expression far different than what Barrett would normally expect. “I had Applejack help me make this. I thought I would give it to you as an apology. I’m sorry that I just can’t leave you alone. I know that some ponies need their space but too much space leaves a pony lonely and when I know ponies are lonely then I just want to get even closer.”

Looking up, Berry finally locked eyes with the human. “I don’t want you to be lonely... but I also don’t want to be bother to you,” he muttered softly. “I’ve been trying to figure it out but I can’t. What do I do?” he pleaded.

Barrett stood there, his mouth a straight line and almost unreadable. Though honestly, he was as unsure as this pony in front of him was. Berry was right, in part. He was lonely, who wouldn’t be in this situation. But here Berry was, more or less pouring his heart out in front of him. What could he say to that.

“I say you should just kidnap him and screw him while he’s asleep. I guarantee he’ll wake up feeling gay the next day.”

Barrett’s expression went from one of stoic indifference to furious rage as his frown deepend considerably. Slowly he turned to see Harpsichord standing behind him with a sly grin on his face. “Trust me, I’ve read tons of fan stories on the subject.”

There was a slam, and Harpo was alone on the floor laughing his guts out.

Barrett, adjusting his glasses and trying to calm down, glaned at Berry. To his surprise, the pony still looked crestfallen, his the perverse joke doing nothing to lift his spirits. Letting out a sigh, Barrett walked past the pony and rub his hand through Berry’s mane.

“Follow me,” he ordered.

“O-okay,” said Berry.

Together the two walked along the sidewalk under the midnight sky. One pony had his head angled towards the dirt, while the other human had his head towards the sky.

In silence the two made their way into ponyville proper, surrounded by the quiet town and ambient light of ponies houses and various streetlights. It eventually became evident that Barrett was headed back to Sweet Apple Acres when the amount of light began to dip.

Several times during their journey, Berry would look up at Barrett’s back and open his mouth, but each time stopped before any sound could escape.

Barrett, for his part took the time to carefully word how he was going to answer Berry’s earlier question.

Finally, the two came to a pause at the entrance to the Apple Family Farm. Barrett turned to face Berry, ready to answer his question.

“Berry, look at me,” he said. Berry hesitantly complied, his body still hunched over and reserved. “Listen, I could tell you a bunch of different things you could do. I told you to leave me alone earlier right?” Berry nodded, his mane seeming to droop as a result. “Well honestly that was true, you should leave me alone, that’s kinda what I prefer.”

Berry’s head and gaze lowered even further. His eyes began glittering as tears started to well up in them from Barrett’s words.

“But,” he continued, “you were right earlier, I really am kinda lonely. Luckily you and the other six at least try to keep me company, your advances notwithstanding. So I guess if I had to answer your question of how to deal with me being an asshole….” Barrett shrugged.

Leaning down on one knee,” Barrett began gently rubbing his palm through Berry’s semi-linp mane. Almost as if just by his touch, the mane regained some of its poof. “Just be yourself,” Barrett finish, a small grin on his face. “I really don’t care. I’m pretty sure that if you stop hanging around me, I’m going to miss you or something.” Then all at once his expression soured again and he yanked on Berry’s ear. “Just don’t do something stupid like today again or else I’ll file a restraining order on you.”

Smiling despite the small pain in his ear, Berry leaned closer to Barrett and looked deep into his eyes. “So you’re not mad, you still like me?”

“Well I don’t want to have your children if that’s what you’re implying,” Barrett deadpanned.

Jumping forward, Berry gripped the human in a tight hug around his neck. “It’s alright there B Bubbs! Dusk has been looking up spells for that exact reason.”

Despite himself, Barrett let out a chuckle. Though inside he resolved to have a chat with Dusk about the intended use of those spells. However, as Berry tightened, Barrett heard a squelching sound.

He pushed Berry away and glanced down at his still caked shirt, noticing that a few strands of Berry’s fur had become stuck to him. Likewise, Berry had a bit of cream on his stomach.

Berry wasted no time in scooping up the cream and licking it from his hoof. “Mmmmmm! My cream tastes even better when I lick it off of you. That’s good to know.”

Barrett frowned. “Berry go home, I’m taking a shower.” Berry opened his mouth but Barrett quickly cut him off. “No!”

And with that, he turned and passed through the gate and back into the farm. Berry, likewise, turned and began skipping home, happy that he was back in his human friend’s good graces.

“Her Berry!” the prancing pony paused mid-skip when he heard his name being shouted.

“Hey…” yelled Barrett. “I’m moving back into my house in a few days, you wanna…”

Berry rocketed into the air, his tail wagging from excitement. “You want me to throw you a house warming party! Oh Barrett, my Butt Buddy, the man who puts the homo in homo-sapien, I love you!” he yelled, zooming off to plan the biggest party ever.

Then there was one, and that one, slowly reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose and sigh a deep, resentful sigh. “I was going to say help me move in…”

CH6: Cake and a Story

It was even more amusing in person, to watch Applejack struggling with the masterpiece the Cakes had been perfecting over the last few weeks, that is. The Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness, it was even more impressive than he could have hoped. Truly it was a delicacy worth the crazy mystery it would entail.

However, the best part, the part that had Barrett ready to dance in glee was the fact that for the next few days, he would be free. No crazy stallions, no experiments or fights, just the peaceful beauty of true quiet. Not to mention the repair ponies had told him that, even without Applejack there, his home would be fully rebuilt by the end of the day.

These thoughts were, however, short lived as the sudden jab of a hoof to his ribs pulled the distracted human back to reality. Barrett snapped his head down to see Dusk looking up at him with a raised brow. The stallion’s look only grew more piercing as they watched each other.

“Well?” Dusk asked, motioning toward the group who had already moved out.

“Oh, sorry. I was lost in thought,” Barrett said, scratching the back of his head and joining the precession.

The group slowly plodded to the train station, the fretting bakers panicking all the while at every tilt and twist of the towering pastry.

“Are you sure that cake will hold?” Dusk asked, questioning the physics of the quivering pastry.

“Yes,” Answered Mrs. Cake. “It took months of planning and testing. We had to make sure the flavors and cream of each layer are equally distributed.”

Dusk clicked his tongue as he pondered. “Okay… If that’s the case, why is it still—”

“Dusk, don’t worry about it,” Barrett urged with a smile. He gave Dusk a pat on the back. “The cake will be fine.”

Blitz grunted and glared at Barrett. “I don’t see you helping with those dexterous, soft, useful hands of yours.”

Barrett stared down at him. “You got this,” he deadpanned. “Or is something as simple as ‘cake’ too much for you?” He teased. “I’ve should've known that was why you're too slow. Need to lay off a few pounds, am I right?” he snarked, his good mood seeping into his words.

This causes the others to have their small fits of giggles from Barrett’s remark.

Blitz ground his teeth, irritated at Barrett’s challenge. “Well you’re...” He began to think about what to call him. “Negative 20% Lamer than… your face! Hah! Beat that.”

“Oh god, the burn. It hurts my heart,” Barrett dramatically clutched his heart, “Oh the agony. The pure burning agony. The most horrible scrubbiest insult has been delivered onto mone such as I. Oh woe is me.”

Barrett, cutting the act poked Blitz in his nose. “Look, if you are going to burn me, can you actually put some effort into it? At least when Barb does it there’s actual fire involved. I feel like you're taking it too easy on me.”

“That’s because if you want me to do it the hard way, you’d be a sore mess!” Blitz yelled. “Just shut up and let us focus on the cake.”

“Alright, no need to be butthurt about it,” Barrett quipped.

The train sat pristine and colorful, each car decorated in an ensemble of colors and decor. At the front harnessed to the front was four toned earth pony mares. Each one decked with a nifty Cabbie hat. Barrett’s attention was left on the group of mares. His face a blank mask hiding away the confusion of the very concept itself.

Turning to Dusk who was watching the cake as it made the final few meters to the train Barrett nudged his side. Dusk turned to Barrett. “Yes, Barrett?”

“Well, I mean, I was just thinking about how unbelievable it is that four mares can pull an entire train by themselves,” Barrett said, motioning toward the harnessed mares who stood at the ready on the rails.

Dusk blinked and looked at the mares. He turned back to Barrett nonplused. “They’re earth mares, Barrett. This is their job,” Dusk said, chuckling lightly and bumping Barrett's side.

Barrett’s expression only deepened. He rubbed his palms together and sighed inwardly. “Dusk, how much does a train like this weigh?”

Dusk blinked, surprised by the question, taking a moment Dusk muttered under his breath while occasionally glancing at the train itself. “I would say this in particular model weighs between 12,000 and 13,000 tons, why?” Dusk asks.

Barrett rose a finger only to be interrupted by the whistle of the train. Barrett cursed under his breath as Dusk turned and rushed toward the train doors.

Barrett strode up to the entryway and stood beside the Cakes, who were babbling advice to Barry. Applejack, now free of the mountain of sugar, turned to Barrett.

“Barrett, don’t forget to pick up Bucky and his friends on your way back to the farm,” Applejack said, smiling warmly as the whistle blew again.

Barrett smiled back and nodded. “Yeah, no problem, I just hope they don’t destroy anything on my watch. Last time I swear I thought Toffee was going to kill me."

Applejack rolled his eyes, and waved a hoof in dismissal. “I’d have liked to see her try,” he muttered, chuckling as he trotted towards the train.

With that, Barrett coughed awkwardly and pulled at his collar. “Yeah, right.”

“All aboard, who’s going aboard,” the conductor yelled. One by one the train doors shut.

Before he could lose the opportunity, Barrett ran up to the door and stuck his head inside to see Dusk whom had been in the midst of a conversation with Berry.

“Oh and Dusk, think about this. If the train weighs over ten thousand tons, what is the average strength of an earth mare? Because anyway you slice it, that math is a whole lot of nope.”

Dusk fell onto his haunches as the Barrett pulled his head out and let the door shut. Barrett grinned ear to ear and turned about while the train pulled off. Sucking in and letting out a jubilant sigh of relief he departed, happily awaiting his break from the craziness that is his life.

---

The school bell had rung and the eager students were rushing out the door, eager to take what time they could to play, talk and avoid schoolwork. Barrett smiled and a flood of old memories from his school years washed over his mind.

Barrett approached the mass of fillies and colts who were going about their childish endeavors. The CMC were discussing a new plan for finding their talents, Diamond and Silver were plotting something or another and Smallfry was gawking in abject surprise at him, nothing new there.

For a moment this last thought sat happily at the forefront of Barrett’s mind and then it hit him. Barrett looked back down at the pint sized filly whose eyes bore a hole into his very soul with their pure unbridled emotion.

In a synchronized motion, one that many might even mistake for practiced, Barrett and Smallfry smiled at one another. Smallfry then dashed over to Barrett. “It’s really you Mr. Barrett. I heard you were moved away from Canterlot, but I didn't know you had moved here!”

Barrett kneeled down in order to converse with the filly more easily. “Yeah, I’ve been here a couple months now. I’m surprised you missed me.”

Smallfry blushed and looked away from Barrett who’s smile only grew larger. “Well, it’s not like I was looking for you.”

Barrett reached down and patted the fillies matted mane. “Don’t worry about shorty,” Barrett said. “If anything I should've remembered you moved here,” He added under his breath.

It was about this time the two noticed that all of the young impressionable youths had stopped their talking and playing and were watching Barrett and Smallfry, utterly spellbound. The CMC muttered to each other in hushed voices before Scootaroll and Silver Bell pushed Buck forward. Buck gave his friends a sharp glare before he walked over to the human and filly.

“Hey there, Barrett. Me and the guys were just wondering, but you seem to be awfully good friends with Smallfry here,” Buck said, looking between the two in turn.

“Yeah, and?” Barrett asked, rolling his hand for Applebuck to go on.

“The thing is, I don’t recall ya’ll ever even meetin’ before today,” Buck finished falling onto his hindquarters.

Barrett and Smallfry give each other a look before they burst into a fit of laughter. This only seemed to draw the crowd's attention even further, by this point even Sunny Smiles had joined the crowd.

“Well believe it or not, Smallfry here is the first pony I met after landing in Equestria. Back when I was roughing it out in the forest near Trottingham.” Smallfry nodding all the while.

Buck’s jaw dropped to the ground. “You used to live in Trottingham with Smallfry?” he gawked.

Barrett shook his head. “I said I used to live near Trottingham. I lived in a forest away from the place when I first found myself in Equestria and didn’t want to get involved with anypony.”

By this point a bunch of the colts and fillies who had overheard the exchange trotted over to listen to the rest of the story.

“Well, I believe this is quite the tale, isn’t it?” Sunny Smiles said trotting up and taking a seat. Followed by Silver Bell, Scootaroll and several others.

An idea began to form in Smallfry’s mind, he turned towards Barrett. “Hey! Do you think there is enough time for you to tell us the story?”

Barrett clicked his tongue and scanned the gaggle of huge eyed foals. Taking a more comfortable seat Barrett waved idly at the gathering. “Yeah, I guess,” he said, a small frown on his face. While he didn’t harbor any ill feelings towards the kids he was never one to enjoy being at the centre of a crowd.

“The question is where to begin--” Barrett hummed only for Smallfry to flick his arm.

“You start at the beginning, Barrett,” the filly said earnestly.

Barrett gave the filly a blank stare and sighed as he gazed into the middle distance. “Well believe it or not it all started on one of my annual outings to the yearly Anime convention…"

Author's Notes:

#sexycake
I now run two Youtube Channels... Yay. If you interested in what I do outside of FF come check me out. I just set up and uploaded the first video on my new channel
Spirit Shift's Channel

CH7: One Walkman Man

Through the tides of costumed fans and wandering otaku, a man in yellow strode forth, his cape billowing in the winds of rushing fanatics and his bald head radiated brilliantly from hours of pre-con buffering. Today was the day that this great hero would shine brighter than all the other costumed collective that now surround him.

As this brave hero paraded proudly through the massive array of vendors and merchants, a single stall caught his eye, amongst the cheap knick-knacks and assorted junk a single item announced itself for all to see. A limited edition, collectors, ten-inch Genos figurine. It was single-handedly crafted to be exact in every way and proportioned to the last hair on his perfectly sculpted head.

The very sight of such a rare collectible sent the hero into a tizzy of unbridled fanboyish glee. In a mad dash, he rushed to the item nearly drooling in rapturous joy. In his glorious triumph, he accidentally sent flying the small handheld walkmen that had been lying on the edge of the table. Without a second thought, the hero reached forth his red-gloved hand mere inches away from the prized collectible. With a resounding snap, the hero whips back his hand from the ruler that launched out from behind the counter. The hero looks up to see a strangely dressed man behind the stall, his face shrouded and oddly out of focus.

“I can see you’re interested in my wares,” the merchant said whistling slightly as he spoke.

The hero nodded enthusiastically. His hand reaching back and pulling his wallet free.

The merchant raised his hand and laughed eerily from his position. “There will be no need for that my friend. Money is the last thing I need, please just take it. But be warned, you might find it comes with a price far steeper than any mere coin.”

The hero stood in shock at the merchant's offer, his head tilted in confusion. He had already reached for the figure, but at hearing the merchant’s final sentence, he had stalled his hand.

“Hey, woah, who dropped the Walkman?” In his hesitation, the hero contemplated his decision as another man had approached the stall. The merchant and the hero turned to look at a smiling Barrett walked over with the Walkman in hand.

The hero blinked in confusion. The merchant, on the other hand, shot out from behind his stall.

“No, that was not for you,” the merchant howled. swiping for the radio only for Barrett to step back.

“Hey, I was just looking, calm down old ma--” The Walkman started to glow, softly at first, but in an instant, it exploded in light and Barrett was gone.

The merchant shifted his view about and finally stopped on the hero who now stood dumbfounded. The merchant coughed and motioned toward his stall. “So, uh! Where were we?”

The hero looked back over at the trinkets and back to where the other man had vanished and for a moment the two sat in complete silence. Then in a single motion, the hero delivered a heavy punch to the merchant’s face knocking him to the ground. The merchant looked up in shock and the hero smiled to himself having delivered quick and timely justice.

Barrett, on the other hand, was not having such a great time. After the flash, his body was warped as if being sucked through a bendy straw, and the light only grew brighter as he waited for his inevitable death.

---

Then as suddenly as it began it was over, Barrett opened his eyes to see himself floating in the air. Looking down he saw lush trees surrounding the area, and nearby there seemed to be some sort of large town. Before he could see more gravity decided to take hold.

“Shit!” he cursed as he fell through the air. Crashing into a large bush, the human luckily only managed to destroy several branches. Even so, he still cringed in pain from the sudden impact.

“What the hell happened?” he groaned, trying to push himself off of the bush. Then there was a sharp crack as the Walkman landed on his head.

“Gah,” Barrett yelped tenderly rubbing his head and glaring at the Walkman which sat perfectly fine on the ground beside him.

Barrett rose to his feet and grabbed the blasted device and looked about and around at the various trees and fauna.

“It’s a forest,” he muttered. “I’m am a forest with no way back.”

Barrett always the calm thinker, weighed his options. “I could stay here or I could die... I could look for other people or die, I could find shelter or die, OR I could end up manticore droppings, also known as DYING!”

“Better go with option three.” Stuffing the walkman away, he began to walk aimlessly down a path, moving a few low hanging branches out of his way.

He couldn’t make heads or tails of his surroundings. “Oh come on, this can’t be happening,” Barrett complained, he rubbed the back of his head. “Not even five minutes in and already I am lost.”

Barrett stopped when he heard a twig snapping, “Hello, is anyone there?”

He was only greeted with silence.

“Oh man, this is starting to feel like one of those cheesy horror films… I hope I’m not the asshole victim that gets killed in the first five minutes.” He resumed his aimless trail.

The words were barely out his lips before a bush began to rustle. It caught Barrett off guard and he took an offensive stance.

“I’m warning you. I’m like a wild animal when cornered! I’ll shove my fist so far up your ass you will have knuckle marks on your spleen!” He raised his fist in the air towards the bush.

A rabbit hopped out of the bush. It gazed towards Barrett and then took off running.

“Something about that rabbit looks… It looked familiar,” he mumbled, trying to pretend that he hadn't just used his best insult on a rabbit.

Barrett walked down another path, he soon saw a run-down wooden shack, “Well, seems like I’m not the victim.” he said to himself.

He walked over towards the door of the shack, he reached to grip the knob and gave it a twist. Barrett pushed the door open and stepped inside.

“Not what I expected, but I’m not complaining. Whoever owned this place really left in a hurry,” he said, walking over to a chair and sitting down on it.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he took a deep breath. “Okay, I really didn’t think this through. Where are the ponies, zebras or even the griffons? Anything at this point, but no...” he paused. “I get stuck in a dark and gloomy forest.” Barrett said, crossing his arms.

He looked around the shack. “I really want to know which God did this so I could punch them in the face.”

He notices a rusty tool rack nearby, on the rack was an assortment of hastily forgotten tools, each coated in a layer of dust and the beginnings of rust.

“So, God decided to drop me by an old lumber mill?” He got up, going to get a closer look at the tools. Barrett slowly reached out towards one of the hanging hatchets.

Hatchet in hand, Barrett gave the tool a slow twirl. As he runs his finger on the flat side of the ax, small bits of rust flake off the worn metal.

"This could work,” he said to himself after giving the axe a few practice swings.

Barrett walked back to the chair, this whole ordeal has been a bit tiresome to him. He gave a huge yawn and then leaned back.

“Damn, I’m tired…" he uttered, stretching. “It’s getting late and I should catch some shuteye,” Barrett mumbled, setting the hatchet down on the table. He kicks back and relaxes in the chair.

Barrett yawned and rubbed his arms in the cool dank air of the humble little shack. “Tomorrow is the day everything will go right.”

---

“So much for things going right, or things making any sense for that matter,” Barrett said knuckles white as the hatchet in hand arched with every exuberant leap of the human’s desperate retreat. The sounds of hooves pounded the earth behind him. A stone whizzed inches from his head as he dashed further into the forest he’d made his base.

“Monster.”

“Foalnapper.”

“Beast.” All names the herd of rampaging ponies pointedly plodding after the peculiar person that made a presence in their particular place of residence used to describe the pitiable Berret.

“I didn’t do nothing,” Berret fired back into the crowd, to be met with another volley of stones. The chase had been going for a bit and Berrett the pinnacle of human perfection he was, was in fact on the brink of collapse. His chest heaving as he stumbled mindlessly through an endless procession of pines.

It was just as the human was on the brink of total collapse that he found a ditch on the bank of a babbling creek.

Berret’s eyes flashed between the ditch and the ponies, the ponies, and the ditch. He took a deep breath and counted back from three. As he passed a rather large pine, the line of sight broke and he made his leap of faith. “Well, either this works or I get trampled to death, here goes.”

Barrett hit the dirt hard, landing stomach first on a rather unforgiving stone. A rocking pain ran through his body as he desperately bit his tongue, hand over mouth as the angry mod grew closer.

The sound of bodies slowing from a mad sprint to a canter and finally, a casual canter sent a shiver down the waiting human’s spine. Murmurs joined the babbling of the creek to Barrett's side.

“Now, where the heck did the beast make off to?” One unseen pursuer asked.

“I dunno, seems like we scared it right good, doubt it’ll come back either way,” another pony said. Barrett smiled behind his hand internally nodding along with the merciful pony above.

“But it could talk, it might try being all sneaky and attack when our back’s are turned,” a third pony said voice lower as if expecting ease-droppers.

“Oh come on, Broadside, I doubt if it can talk it's that dumb. I mean there’s like twenty of us and only one of them,” the reasonable pony from before responded. Barrett could feel the warmth of the sun, a simple hope, a feeble hope. The savior had come.

“I guess not, fine, but don’t come crying to me if you get eaten,” the earlier stallion, Broadside said, scoffing as hooves began to shuffle. The voices and hoof steps growing more distant with each second.

“Thank you,” Barrett whispered to himself, hands clasped, hatchet still ready in hand together as he gazed into the sky. After a solid minute of no hooves, rocks or Broadside, Barrett stood with a hearty groan, freehand rubbing his aching stomach. “That was close.”

“Yep, you’re lucky mister, it’s good that grown-ups aren’t all that smart,” The voice caught the perplexed human by surprise sending him tumbling back butt first into the creek behind him. “Guess you’re a grown-up too, huh?” the voice said, giggling at Barrett's sudden tumble.

Barrett cursed under his breath and took in the view of his foe. A small, like a super small spotted filly, stood at the edge of the ditch smiling merrily at the waterlogged human. “I thought, you were done chasing me?” Barrett asked, as he stood and slogged his soggy butt out of the chilly waters.

“The grown-ups gave up, but I’m a brave adventurer, so I knew I’d find you,” The filly said throwing a hoof into the air and beaming proudly.

“Oh gee, well ya found me, now what?” Barrett asked as he hopped up from the ditch his eyes baring down on the tiny filly.

“Wanna be friends?” the filly asked. Barrett blinked, coughed, blinked again and finally shrugged.

“Sure, I guess.”

The filly jumped about grin even wider than before. “I did it, I befriended a monster. I am the best adventurer ever.”

At that moment, the fear in Barrett's heart was overwhelmed by a far more powerful emotion. The emotion of getting diabetes from watching something so cute it should legally be classed as a form of biological warfare. When the filly finally stopped, Barrett shrugged again. “Well, if we’re gonna be friends, I guess we'll need names, right?”

“Oh right. I'm Smallfry, it’s nice to meet ya,” the filly said followed by a proud salute.

“Hmm, kinda cruel to name a kid that, but okay. I’m Barrett, nice to meet you too.” Barrett said giving a salute of his own.

“So, Mr. Barrett what kind of monster are you anyways?” Smallfry asked.

“The worst of em’ all, I’m a human,” Barrett said with the added effect of wiggled fingers to each side of his face.

“R-really the, worst kind, like ever?” Smallfry asked with a surprisingly audible gulp.

“Pfft, Nah, I’m human, but I’m a rather chill guy, I think,” Barrett said as he dropped to one knee. “So, uh Smallfry, can I ask you a favor?”

The filly tapped a hoof to her chin for a moment before giving a small nod. “I guess so.”

“Well, ya see, I kinda may have started living in a woodshed somewhere in these woods. But, after that little chase scene, I’m kind of lost. You wouldn’t know how to get back there would ya?”

“You mean the abandoned super off-limits, totally dangerous wood mill?” Smallfry asked one brow raised as she took a few steps closer.

“Yeah,” Barrett answered eyes slowly offuscating the surrounding area. For a brief moment, Barrett pondered if asking a child where a super secluded abandoned building in the forest was a smart idea after all.

“Of course.” I actually live pretty close to the old trail that goes that way, so I know that shack like the back of my hoof,” Smallfry said and struck a rather daring, adorable, but daring pose.

Barrett wiped a metaphorical and literal hand across his brow. “Oh, cool, so uh, you mind leading the way?”

“Sure, Captain Smallfry with save the monster human in distress,” the filly boasted as she took off at a brisk strut through the woods.

“I’ve been called worse,” Barrett muttered to himself as he trailed behind the filly pants sloshing as he wiggled his legs to and fro trying to dry them at least a little.

Barrett, as he followed his new tiny, adorable, talking pony friend, took in the deeper scope of his new reality. This was a reality where he’d found a way into a cartoon, a cartoon he’d seen at that. Though he didn’t remember the ponies in that show being as openly violent and racist. Barrett rolled his eyes, it was a kid’s show after all. Well, if there was one thing Barrett Biggs was good at, it was stumbling blindly through situations that in no way make any sense and often get far worse before they get better.

It was only midday, but Barrett found the new stroll through the forest to be a reprieve, once he got back he was gonna find something to eat and take a nap. Then and only then would he plan for the inevitable second attempt at communication with the angry, racist pony folk. Yep, this was gonna be fine, everything was gonna be fine. Barrett nodded and smiled to himself. There was no way in Hell, Barrett was gonna let himself lose to a bunch of magical talking ponies. He was a human after all, besides this is the point in the show where the princesses or elements or whatnot would save the day and teach tolerance or something.

Author's Notes:

Written By Wade the Badge!

Also check out this channel, where 60% of my attention and love is atm
Spirit And Shift's channel

CH8: Star Spangled Banter

“So, you’re sayin’ ya got chased out of town? Wow, didn’t realize the ponies in Trottingham were so mean,” Apple Buck pondered, dabbing a hoof at their chin.

Sunny Smiles tsked the young apple. “Now now, Buck, it’s now fair to assume such things of an entire city just because a few ponies made a mistake.”

“Says the town who thought a zebra was out to curse all of you. Oh, and who was it that fixed that again?” Barrett said and gave Apple buck a long wink. To which the colt rose to his full height a smug grin caught tight on his face.

Sunny coughed and rubbed a hoof mindlessly at his throat. “Be that as it may, I do believe you were telling a story, Barrett?” The teacher was met with hushed giggles and a sly smile from a particular human.

“Right well, I think I might skip a bit ahead. I mean, for the most part, all that happened for the next few days was me foraging for food, having a few talks with Smallfry,” Barrett gestured to the filly who nodded back. “Oh, and I fought off a Timberwolf, but anyways, I think I’ll just jump to my second try at first contact.”

Barrett was met with a crowd of wide-eyed, slack-jawed children and a blinking teacher. Barrett tilted his head, eyes trailing overall but Smallfry who sat puzzled by the sudden shift. “Okay then,” Barrett shrugged.

---

“So, you think they might actually let me speak this time, you know before they go right for the pitchforks and torches?” Barrett asked as he pulled a bundle of brush that sat at face level in the old worn trail from his new abode at the Mill to the nearby town.

“I don’t remember any torches. But, I’m sure they’ll give you a chance,” Smallfry said as she hopped about the trail and all about in general.

Barrett sighed and tapped two fingers to his temple with his free hand. “Gee Fry, you really know how to build one’s confidence.”

“Thanks,” The filly replied as she sped up down the trail.

Barrett took a moment to look back down the trail, the trail to the nice safe wood mill, where his nice safety bringing hatchet sat in his nice safe wooden home. He turned and looked back toward the town where even now he could see the beginning of a cobblestone path and the sounds of ponies in masse. If he were gonna turn back, this would be his last chance.

Barrett sighed again, his shoulders drooped, and he took another step toward the humble town of Trottingham and all the potential trouble and torches it may or may not possess.

“Come on Barrett, can’t make any friends from back there,” Smallfry yelled from a way down the path. She waved and motioned to the town. Barrett returned the wave and took another step.

“Guess it’s time to commit, ” Barrett whispered to himself as he strode over the apex of a hill and took in Trottingham in full. The town wasn’t impeccably big, but it was a proper town at least. Rows of various buildings, stone at that, none of those silly straw thatch-roofed homes like from the show. Paved streets intersected in orderly rows in all cardinal directions and in pure, consistent intervals. Ponies walked, flew and rode via carriage in reasonable numbers to and fro without a care in the world.

Barrett gulped his hands shook as he turned to his companion, who for her part looked down at the town eyes jumped from place to place, pony to pony, never staying focused on anything particular for very long.

“Ready?” she asked after she took note of Barrett’s look.

“Nope, but screw it, tally-ho and all that,” Barrett slapped both cheeks and strolled down the hill to the town head held high, a tiny filly by his side. This would work, he would make some friends, he would get some real food, he would be accepted, and that was that.

---

“And then I was arrested, good times,” Barrett mused a hand flicked out to the side as he took in the audience.

“Wow Barrett, you have the worst luck ever,” Silver Bell said. The little colt patted one of Barrett’s knees.

Barrett let out a half snort hands trailing through his hair. “Yeah, well, we haven’t even got to the good part yet.”

“Really?” Scootaroll asked. The little pegasus leaned forward along with several other foals who seemed overly engrossed in the humans’ tale.

Barrett grinned wide, and his head bobbed eyes wide, pupils pulsing. “Yep, you see, that’s when I met the biggest troll in all of Equestria.”

“Wait,” Silver Bell stepped forward brows raised so far they blended with his dropping curled mane. “You met a troll in jail, but I thought they lived under bridges?”

In an instant Barrett’s face dropped, eyes returned to their proper proportion and his smile faded to obscurity. “I was talking about Solaris. You know, cause he is a freaking manipulative, double talking immortal,” Said. Barrett rolled his hands his look wavering between tired and broken. His audience exchanged glances as they tried to process the expression in full. “You know, man, seriously, how am I the only ones who sees it? Whatever.”

“Are you okay?” Smallfry asked.

“Nope, moving on,” Barrett said a smile as broad as he could muster forced onto his face.

---

“Rise prisoner,” the local jackass guard demanded. Barrett sat on a bench far too small for his size. In a cage far too small for his size. In a town far too small minded for his existence. Yep, he’d done it, he’d made tons of friends. You know if you qualified friends as ponies that hated your guts for no real reason.

Either way, Barrett slowly made his way onto his feet, if for no other reason than the ridge of the bench had left a horrid mark across his mighty glutes and it was starting to chafe. “What’s up copper, here for a prostate check?” Barrett asked with a mighty stretch.

The guard said nothing and instead unlocked the door to the cell, where he waved a hoof toward Barrett. Barrett shrugged and slunk out of the cage. He, of course, had to duck to avoid a smarting he totally didn’t need right now, Barret was plenty happy being dumb right now he thought.

The guard pointed toward a door off to the left of the central cell. Barrett glanced over, the door the slightest bit ajar. A dull light shone, but nothing beyond the crack was seeable from Barrett’s current position. “Our lord Prince of Equestion the honorable and noble Solaris has requested to see you,” the guard said with a hard shove to Barrett’s back.

“Wait, the who now?” Barrett asked, face suddenly very pale. Barrett’s mind traversed the realm of his collective knowledge of ponies and whom should and should be in charge. Barrett’s brow ruffled heart a buzz as things seemed to not add up. Equestria was run by Celestia, right, though that was only the canon show. But then again the fans had created just about any possible reality. “Oh my god,” Barrett froze in his spot feet from the door. “I’m in an AU, shiii--”

A sudden heavy shove had the rattled human stumble forward and into the door, which flew forward, Barrett with it. Barrett now shocked from his stupor found an old friend. The unmistakable taste of floor, yep, an old friend indeed. Barrett took a deep breath and revealed in the everyday reality that was being face-first, as sup on the floor. A moment passed, Barrett decided that perhaps that was not the best way to describe his current position.

A sudden polite cough awoke Barrett from his red cheeks and friendly reunion. In less time than it takes to regret one's decisions, Barrett stumbled to his feet and took in the room.

The room itself was rather dull. Hardwood floor, of which Barrett was acquainted, grey stone walls and ceiling and a single simple table with a single unoccupied chair of which was on the same side of the table as Barrett himself.

The other side of the table, however, did host something a bit more stimulating. A rather imposing, well groomed, bearded stallion sat a smirk flickered at the far reaches of his lips. His mane and beard were like one had captured a torches flame and fused them into hair. It was odd but rather regal in some sense, like a lion, but on fire. The stallion was also giant, at least compared to other ponies. He wore a helm of some sort, archaic but practical as well, with what looked to be a crown of sorts embedded to the front. Overall, yeah, pretty much what one would expect from such a thing.

“Prince Solaris?” Barrett asked from his place across the room, where he was less likely to be incinerated, or at least he hoped.

“That’s me yes, and you are Barrett, the horrifying monster, foalnapper of the nearby woods, yes?” The prince motioned for the guard, who had up until now stood in the threshold of the door. With a single nod from the prince, the guard stepped back and closed the door firmly.

Barrett, who had no desire to die a horrible fiery death shook his head, hands stretched out and flailing weakly as he looked about for any possible escape. “I plead the fifth.”

Solaris for all his ancient wisdom and worldly experience had but a single response to such a quaint response. “The fifth of what?”

“You know, like the fifth,” Barrett took to seconds to examine his statement. “Um, I mean I am not nor have I ever been any of those things. I mean, I am Barrett, I was living in the woods, but the rest is just lies and slander.”

A long silence followed. Solaris sat stone-faced, eyes fixed on Barrett’s own. Barrett stood wide-eyed and shaking, eyes locked on Solaris’ own. Seconds ticked by, with naught a sound in the room. Then as suddenly as the silence had begun, it was shattered by a deep bout of laughter. Solaris in that instant lost all regal swagger and instead banged a hood heavily on the tabletop, of which the table stressed and shook as he laughed uncontrollably.

Barrett for his part watched in a dazed haze. He watched the Prince of whom seemed no closer to stopping his mirthful explosion than he did two minutes prior. Barrett felt a sudden warmth that seemed to thaw his frozen muscles. He sighed and strolled over to the free seat and planted himself there, arms crossed as he watched a monarch struggle to regain his composure.

When the prince finally did compose themselves and wipe away a tear that dangled lazily from one eye, he smiled merrily at the human. “It’s been quite a while since I’ve laughed that hard, thank you young Barrett, I needed that.”

Barrett blinked and leered at the monarch. “What?”

Solaris’ smile redoubled as he leaned in and over the table. “Before I arrived at the holding facility you’ve found yourself, guest, too. I ran into the more interesting little filly. One Smallfry, perhaps you’ve met?”

“Perhaps,” Barrett answered his eyes narrowed as he too leaned into the table. “And if I had met such a filly?”

“Then you’d know that no other filly I’ve met in a very long time was as stubborn and bold as her. She held me outside the building and demanded that you be set free. It was truly a breath of fresh air, to see a pony so open and forthcoming with their beliefs,” Solaris leaned back and looked out into nothing as he recalled the conversation. “She truly is quite the fighter I would say.”

Barrett groaned as the scene played out in his head. The tiny little filly facing off against the ruler of an empire. It was like something out of a fairytale. The thought did however as much as he’d hate to admit it, make the human feel just a bit better. “Yeah, I can see that. I hope she didn't get any trouble,” Barrett said drawing Solaris from his revelry.

Solaris waved a hoof and shook his head. “Of course not, I thanked her kindly for her honest intentions and assured her I had no intention of harming you. Which you should be assured I don’t.”

“Oh really, cause your opening line sure didn’t help that cause,” Barrett responded arms once again crossed as he tried to retain any level of coolness.

“I apologize, but I had a feeling, based on what Smallfry said you would be quite the amusing character. I was correct, I think. Besides, It is so rare for me to get to lay down the law on one who doesn't know me,” Solaris said offering a hoof. “Perhaps we should start over.”

“Riiight, yeah, uh, sure,” Barrett against every instinct he had clasped the hoof of the Prince and gave it a single hard shake. “So, what next then?”

“Well--” Solaris never did get to complete his thought, as the door to the room was thrown wide and another stallion marched in, head high, eyes sharp and hoof pointed blindly in the tables general direction.

“Stop right there fiend, you shall now feel the wrath of the night. For I shall destroy any, who would nap away foals and other such villainy,” The stallion in question all be yelled at the top of their lungs. The room shook, as he slowly plodded closer to the table and more importantly toward Barrett.

Barrett had only an instant between the stallion’s decree and the face of said stallion to be pressed firmly against his own. The only sight left to the human was the large teal orbs the stallion called eyes.

Barrett in all his wisdom, with the sudden departure from civility that had been presented with Solaris, decided to do what he did best. He spoke long before his mind caught up to his lips. “You know, for a guy, a really loud angry guy, you have really pretty eyes.”

The tension of the room shattered with the sudden retreat and blush of the newcomer as well as the terribly concealed snickering of Solaris behind them.

“Well Artemis, you sure do know how to woo the stallions don’t you dear brother?” Solaris said, hoof over mouth as he continued to snicker.

Now that the stallion, Artemis had taken a step back, Barrett took in the discombobulated prince of the night. He, in a lot of ways, looked much like the Princess, whom Barrett was used to from the canon show proper. Dark blue coat, long ethereal hair filled with stars and armor that matched the lighter blue of Luna’s shoes, with a black crown. Barrett mused that if not for the deeper voice and bulkier build, he’d have almost thought Luna was putting on a front, or cross-dressing.

Artemis for his part as still blushing, eyes traveled anywhere to not meet either Barrett’s or Solaris’ own. “We, er, I, Brother, do not tease me in front of the monster,” Artemis’ voice cracked as he pointed shakily at Barrett, who was all too happy to wave at the rattled stallion. Which had the prince’s blush redouble. It was an odd thing to see a deep red infect a dark rich blue, but there it was firm upon the cheek of the newly arrived prince and both Barrett and Solaris be known to either had found a source of solidarity.

Solaris waved a hoof at his sibling. “Barrett here is far from a monster dear brother, he has been nothing but sporting since I arrived. I have also been made aware that his, crimes, may have been exaggerated a bit.”

“Truly?” Artemis asked. His gaze darted between Solaris and Barrett who both seemed amused, which only made the Artemis shrink back a bit further.

“Indeed, Barrett, I would like to introduce the stallion behind his pretty eyes, Prince Artemis, my younger brother.” Solaris pointed form Barrett to Artemis, eyes alive with mirth as Artemis pouted at his introduction.

“Nice to meet ya, I guess,” Barrett offered with a curt cough and an outstretched hand.

Artemis stared at the appendage for a moment before offering a hoof of his own. Barrett offered a firm shake and a smile. “You have really soft skin, for a monster, whom I am sorry for assuming had napped a child. Your skin is very soft indeed,” Artemis said with a small smile of his own as he continued to avoid direct eye contact.

Barrett shifted his gaze to Solaris, who merely nodded in return. “Thanks, I guess,” Barrett said as pulled his hand away from Artemis who’d failed to let go at the end of the shake.

“Good, now that we’re all friends, I believe I can return to the point I was making prior,” Solaris said drawing the attention of the room in full once more.

Artemis raised a hoof. Solaris huffed and nodded to his brother. “Yes, Artemis?”

Artemis shifted his gaze to Barrett. “We’re friends, truly?”

Barrett’s face molded from amusement to confusion to apathy faster than most might conceive possible. “Sure, I don’t see why not.”

Barrett had no time to react before he was hefted from his chair and brought into a bone-shattering hug. “Wonderful, thank you, friend, Barrett.”

When Barrett was released from the furry grip of death, he found that Artemis had taken up a position just a bit too close to Barrett for his liking, a serene smile on the prince’s lips, and a miniature heart attack melting Barrett’s heart as he went to excavate himself from Artemis’s attack on his personal space.

With a huff, Barrett returned his gaze to Solaris. “You were saying?” Barrett said.

“Right well, as it stands, you hardly seem like a threat. But even so, I doubt it would be productive to keep you in Trottingham. So, I thought that perhaps it might be best to move you to Ponyville. My personal student and his friends would be more than willing to acclimate you to pony society I think. As long as you don’t mind that is,” Solaris explained. Barrett nodded along, a hand rubbed at his cheek as the geared turned in his head.

Ponyville, that was familiar, it was the very crux of his knowledge base. If he were there, he would at least have an idea of who was who. It was apparent now that most, if not all ponies in this world were gender-flipped from the one he knew. But outside of that, Barrett drifted into deep thought, what point in the story was this, passed Nightmare Moon, but how far. He was roused from his thoughts by the sudden touch of Artemis who’d taken to poking his shoulder.

“Are you still with us? If you prefer the dreaming world, I would be more than happy to commune with you there instead,” Artemis said, another light blush ebbing in across his cheeks.

Barrett swatted Artemis’ hoof away. “No, I’m good,” he returned his attention to Solaris. “That’ll be fine. I was kinda tired of the woods anyway.”

Solaris clapped his forehooves together. “Good, I have a feeling Barrett, that Ponyville is just the place for you. I would almost call it fate. Though we will need to take a brief visit to Canterlot first. Duty and whatnot,” Solaris’ smile was just a bit too wide for Barrett’s liking. The shiny pearly teeth of an equine, perhaps just a tad to predatory to be natural.

‘Riiiight, fate,” Barrett added with a forced chuckle.

---

“And that is how I ended up in Ponyville,” Barrett said with a heavy nod. “The rest, well, I’m sure you can piece that together.”

The foals and their teacher gave a round of soft applause, the foal's eyes full and mystified by the tale.

“That's really how your first time meeting the Princes went?” silver Bell asked.

“Yep.”

“And you really saved Barrett, by standing up to Solaris?” Sootaroll asked Smallfry.

“Uh-huh, Captain Smallfry never leaves a friend behind,” the filly responded, to which Barrett added a pat to the head.

Barrett chuckled as Smallfry swatted helplessly at the assault to her mane. “You’re a brave kid, that’s true.”

“That’s so cool,” The combined voices of the CMC added to the scene.

“Well, I must admit Barrett, that was quite the story. However, I do believe my little ponies here have school work to attend to,” Sunny Smiles said to the collective groan of the children.

Barrett quietly stood and smiled down at the foals. “Listen to your teacher kids, or you'll end up like me, and no one wants that.”

Barrett waved at the children as they ran off to wherever children run off too. That was all the children but Buck and his friends. He took a deep breath and marched off toward the farm, the colts hot on his trails. He still had some sunlight to burn, best not waste it. It wouldn’t be too long before Dusk, and his bunch returned, best not spend the time he had dawdling.

A sudden thought hit Barrett. If the MMMM was finished and the events for this world are even remotely like that of the show. Barrett shivered and cursed the fact that him breaking the rules of plot progression sucked. “Well, maybe I can nudge it in the right direction, “stupid bugs.” hissed under his breath as he and the CMC bound off toward the farm.

CH9: Closure: A Seven Letter Word

Author's Notes:

u all gay
~Spirit

“And then it turned out everyone was stealing from the cake in the dead of night... u So then we just combined all the treats into one big super mega treat.” Berry said in a single breath, which was in of itself not uncommon but still rather impressive even so.

Barrett for his part had managed not to slam his head into the table with enough force to shatter it. The question of which would give first, his skull or the table was once again left to the imagination of the many other patrons of Sugarcube Corner.

“Berry, for the last time, I did not ask, all I want is a batch of cinnamon rolls. I mean I appreciate AJ making breakfast pretty much every day, but I figure I owe them a thank you present anyway,” Barrett said his initial irritation fading into a more profound contemplation.

“But Barrett I had your order ready like five minutes ago.” Barry pointed to a bag of still steaming rolls that sat nestled and neat on the counter mere feet from the bewildered human.

Barrett rose and collected the bag, throwing a small pile of bits onto the counter. He then turned to the bubbly baker and pinched his brow with unrelenting conviction. “Berry, you scare me, like really really freaking scare me.

Berry returned fire with a happy hug. “That’s silly Biggy Bear, I would never do anything that you didn’t want,” The stallion looked up to the human and waggled his eyebrows. “Even if you don’t know you want it.”

Barrett removed Berry’s forelegs from his torso and tapped him firmly on the forehead. “Berry, for the thousand thousandth time, I am not gay.”

“Okay, uh-huh, sure, gotcha, wink-wink-nudge-nudge,” Berry said with a sly wink and elbow to the gut.

Barrett took a deep breath and walked out of the building without another word.

It was on the long trail through the orchard that Barrett, fresh buns in hand that he pondered if his friends on the farm would have worked up a hunger yet, or if he should go ahead and store them inside for later. It was during this debate that he accidentally overheard a rather loud discussion going on just off the path.

“Blitz for the last time, just go apologize. This whole stupid situation was your fault anyhow,” the unmistakable drawl of Applejack drew Barrett further into the treeline and onto the scene in full.

Blitz and AJ were muzzle to muzzle both scowling at the other. Applejack had taken to jabbing a hoof into Blitz’s fetlock, to which the pegasus was not taking well. “Don’t you think I want to. It’s not that easy,” Blitz shouted back knocking away AJ’s hoof.

“Really, cause going up and saying sorry for hittin’ ya, don’t sound that hard to me,” AJ said pulling back from the headbutting match and turning about. The farmer for his part, at least in Barrett’s thoughts looked about ready to kick Blitz off the farm, literally.

Perhaps thinking similar Blitz took to the sky in a single heavy flap of his wings and hovered over his irritated friend. “Yeah, I’m sure that’d make it all better,” Blitz’s expression fell, his voice softening as he spoke. “I mean, would you accept an apology like that, cause I wouldn’t.”

Barrett hefted the bag in one hand pushed through the brush in full. “You might not, but I might,” Barrett said, catching both stallion’s off guard.

“Barrett,” both stallion’s said in tandem turning to the new arrival.

Barrett waved at the duo, his face blank as he scanned the two guilty stallion’s who both looked like they’d just been caught hooves in the cookie jar. “Sup?” Barrett asked.

“Ya heard all that then?” Applejack asked fiddling with his hat as he managed to skate by meeting Barrett’s gaze.

Barrett nodded as he stepped a bit closer. “Most of it, yeah.”

“Well, I mean, I am, ugh, I just want to say that,” Blitz dropped back to the ground tinges of pink mixing with the cyan of his coat. “I’m just, you know,” Blitz took a deep breath nose to the ground. “I’d get it if you don’t want to accept my apology after I attacked you over something so dumb,” The poor stallion looked on the verge of either screaming, crying or hitting something, perhaps a combination of the three.

“Not gonna lie, between you, Berry, Dusk, and well pretty much everyone else in this town, I can’t say it’s easy to forgive and forget. I mean I get my place burned down, accidentally make Scotch cry and get sucker punched my the most easily angered guy I know,” Blitz squirmed and shook as he listened to Barrett, who now stood looming over Rainbow Blitz, his shadow a silhouette basking Blitz in his entirety.

“But even so, you did what you thought was right, and you didn’t back down when you thought your friend was hurt. Blitz, as much as I want to stay mad at you, as much as I think you messed up,” Barrett paused, and Blitz flinched with the sudden silence. A gentle hand rested atop Rainbow’s head. “I forgive ya, after all, you’d of done the same. Heck, I’d be surprised if you didn’t forgive long before I apologized. Heck, that’s what the element of loyalty is all about, yeah?”

Blitz looked up, eyes wide, a slow smile spreading across his muzzle and an equally slow blush tanning his cheeks. “You know, you’re a lot smarter than I give you credit. It’s why so many ponies like ya, Big guy.”

“You’re darn right he is,” AJ said joining the two. “What's that you got there, Biggs,” he pointed to the bag in Barrett’s hands.

“Oh right almost forgot. I kinda thought since you’re housing me and all, I’d pick up a treat for everyone on the farm, sort of a thank you thing,” Barrett shook the bag. “You guys care to join me?” The two stallions grinned and nodded. The trio made their way toward the farmhouse, where Grampy Smith would be, and hopefully Red Gala wouldn’t be too much of a hassle to track down.

The Apples along with Barrett and Rainbow Blitz found themselves in peaceful tranquility. The five sitting at a wooden table just outside the farmhouse. The group munching on rolls and chatting without a care in the world.

“So, I reckon you’ve talked to Scotch by now, right?” Applejack asked from his seat beside Barrett.

Barrett found himself rapping a hand hard against his chest as he choked on a large piece of his pastry. AJ blinked and hammered a hoof hard against the humans’ back, which resulted in two outcomes. A wheeze from Barrett as the rebellious piece of bread surrendered and was consumed at last. The other outcome was a long moan as the human vainly tried to rub the center of his back where his companion’s hoof left a bruise.

“I take that as a no then?” AJ said rubbing a hoof over Barrett's back a bit softer. The farmer tilting his hat down to better hide a sheepish smile.

“God AJ, if that’s how to solve choking, I can’t imagine how hard one of your real kicks are,” Barrett huffed as he stretched back on the open bench and growled in pain beneath his breath. “Also, no, I tried before you guys took your trip, but he wasn’t home. I was thinking of trying again after the whole treat the Apples thing,” Barrett said with a curt shrug and a shiver as his back protested.

“Yeah, I should probably go apologize too. I did kinda start the whole thing back then,” Blitz said rubbing the back of his head with a laxidasical smile.

“Well, sounds like you two youngins got some work to do,” Grampy Smith said with a chuckle and puff at his old pipe. “Better to do the apologizin’ b’fore it sprouts into somethn’ worse.”

“Eeyup,” Red Gala added with a deep nod.

“Always full of sage advice, aren’t ya, Grampy Smith,” Barrett said with a mock sitting bow.

“You’re darn-tootin' I am, now go on get,” The old Apple waved off the human.

Barrett conceded and rose from his seat. He flicked a thumb over his shoulder and smiled. “Okay, okay, come on Blitz.”

“Right behind you,” Blitz said taking off from his seat and flipping through the sky and over Barrett’s head. Barrett waved back at the Apples as he marched away.

“Now, if only a certain grandson of mine would heed my words and just be honest with a certain human he knows,” Grampy Smith mused with a wink at said certain grandson.

“Grampy,” AJ whined as his kin laughed at his burning cheeks.

---

One knock, no response. A few seconds later, two knocks, no answer. Barrett and Rainbow exchange a glance. Three knocks, the sound of thumping and the growls, chirps, and cackles of various animals inside break the tension. The door swings free and an all too familiar bunny pounds a leg impatiently as she stares up at the ones who knocked.

“Uh, hey Angelica, Scotch home?” Blitz asked.

The bunny nodded but did not move. Angelica’s foot thumped faster.

“Can we speak to him?” Blitz tried again.

The Bunny shrugged and flicked a hand toward the stairs.

“He’s upstairs? Thanks, I guess,” Barrett said plodding up the stairs and the single bedroom above, his pegasus companion hovering over his shoulder. Barrett felt a sudden warmth on the back of his neck. He looked back at Blitz who had taken to examining the nearest lamp with extreme interest. “Did you just sniff me?”

Blitz flicked his gaze back to Barrett's eyes wide. “O-of course not. It must’ve been one of the million mice or dogs or something,” Barrett rubbed moth palms against his temples. The human turned about and scaled the stairs, mumbling incoherently under his breath. Blitz thought he made out something about ponies needing to learn personal space but dismissed it and followed the human up to the tightly shut door. There they took in the last barrier between the two daring heroes and their goal.

Barrett knocked on the door. The cascade of noises that followed would forever impress upon Barrett the truth behind not startling a stallion as unassuming and anxious as Butterscotch. A single high pitched eep was heard behind the door. This was followed by what sounded like panicked stumbling, the sound of a door or pair of doors repeatedly slamming and the sudden startled chirps of some rather unprepared birds.

“Scotch, you okay?” Barrett asked from his spot outside the room of a thousand adorable panicked apologies.

“I-um, I’m fine, I’m just, oh I’m sorry Mrs. Bluebird. I’m sorry Barrett just a second, oh, oh dear,” Scotch’s voice trailed off and was followed by the slamming of wood and the continued sound of bird chirps.

“Seriously, you good in there?” Blitz asked from beside Barrett. The question wasn’t left unanswered long before a sudden click at the door sounded, and a disheveled Butterscotch poked his head out into the hall.

“Oh, hi, Rainbow Blitz, sorry for the wait. I was, just, tidying up a bit and well the knock started em,” Scotch said with a nervous twitch. His head darted back in the room for just a brief moment before he opened the door in full.

“Riiight,” Blitz offered his friend.

“So, would either of you like some tea?” Scotch offered pointing back downstairs with a frazzled smile, his eyes darting back into the room for just a split second before he started down the stairs.

The two guests exchanged concerned looks before the followed suit. Butterscotch was already starting the tea as the others took seats in the cottage living room, which made up, in fact, the majority of the first floor, but even so.

“What do think that was about?” Blitz asked Barrett from his seat on the couch.

Barrett had taken to the comfy lounge chair nearby. The human shrugged and looked back toward the happily humming, tea brewing stallion who seemed all too content in his task. “I don’t know, and something tells me, I don’t want to know.”

A few moments pass in comfortable silence as Butterscotch prepares tea and joins his friends in the living room. “I hope you like earl grey,” Scotch said and offered both a steaming cup.

The two offered thanks, and for a moment the three seem to await each other to break the ice. “Fine, I’ll go first,” Barrett offered as he set his tea down on the nearby coffee table. “Scotch, what I said the other day wasn’t cool, I mean it was true, but I didn’t want or mean to upset you.”

“Oh, I know that Barrett. You are far too kind and sweet to intentionally upset anypony. But, I think it’s very nice that you came all the way here to apologize,” Scotch said reaching over and patting Barrett's leg. “Besides, you won’t have to worry about what you said much longer,” Scotch’s hoof continued up Barrett’s thigh, to which Barrett calmly slapped it away. Eyes twitching as the pegasus flinched back.

In the deepest abyss of Barrett’s mind, he filed away Butterscotches reaction under extremely worrying. With that done, Barrett turned and motioned to Blitz. “I believe you had something to add.”

Rainbow Blitz for his part was transfixed on Barrett’s leg, where Butterscotch had been rubbing a moment before. A sudden snap next to his ear ripped the pegasus back to reality. Blitz blinked and shook his head wildly. “Right, right, sorry.”

Blitz ran a hoof over the other as he gave a lopsided grin. “Yeah, I kinda owe you a sorry too.”

Scotch shook his head. “That’s not true Blitzy, you were only looking out for me. Even if you did ruin a perfectly nice cuddle,” Scotch said with a smile and sip of tea.

Barrett’s brow knit together as Butter’s response replayed in his mind. If Barrett didn’t know any better, he could have sworn that Butterscotch, the element of Kindness just held a grudge. Barrett shook the thought from his head, there no way just no freakin’ way. But then again?

Barrett was pulled back to reality by Blitz giving an awkward chuckle. “Yeah, I might have acted a bit too quickly, so I just wanted to make sure we’re all cool.”

“Of course, no hard feelings at all. I’m just glad we got that off our chests,” Butterscotch said placing his now empty cup of tea on the table with a soft clink.

“Hey actually, I have a quick question,” Barrett said the two pegasi silently observing him. “So, by any chance has Dusk prepared a group get together anytime soon?” Barrett’s fingers dug into the soft cushion of the chair’s armrests. Which Barrett also fled away for later, seriously, why would pony furniture need armrests, like at all?

“Oh, were you invited to the picnic, that was nice of Dusk,” Scotch said eyes twinkling.

“Um, sure, let’s go with that, when is it again?” Barrett asked sitting forward in the super comfy chair.

“Saturday, duh,” Blitz said rolling his eyes.

Barrett’s mind flashed with the scene from the show. The letter, the invitation, the changelings. Saturday, gave him two days to decide if he would let things play pit, or do something to change fate. Barrett released the armrests and fell back into the seat. “Right, just checking.”

The Pegasi gave him a pair of concerned looks. Barrett rolled his eyes and made his way to his feet. “So, I have some errands to run, thanks for the tea, Scotch, I’ll see you guys later,” Barrett smiled and made his way out of scotch’s home to the disappointment of his two companions.

Scotch glanced back to the untouched tea that still sat on the coffee table where Barrett had left it. He looked back to Rainbow Blitz. “Do you think I should've offered coffee instead?”

CH10: A Blurred Line

“But, why? I had a plan and everything. Is this because of the burning down your house thing? I thought we were past that!”

Dusk Shine stared up at Barrett tears on the verge of spilling, lips a tremble and in short, he looked like an upset puppy.

“I promise, I made a list and checked it twice, how else are we going to grow closer if you won’t even join me for a picnic?” Dusk’s breathing hitched as he blindly wiped at his watering eyes.

Barrett sat, hands intertwined and chin resting above. He watched the unicorn as he vainly tried to calm himself. When it became clear that was unlikely, Barrett sat up to his full height in the wooden chair that he’d taken a seat in upon entering the golden Oaks. Barrett held up a finger.

“First, it wouldn’t be joining you,” he said, his emphasis smacking Dusk like a moist salmon to the snoot. “I believe others were invited. Secondly, this has nothing to do with the house thing, though I still expect that to be fixed in full,” Barrett eyed Dusk, a finger jabbed hard into the Stallion’s forehead. “And thirdly, I am not and have never been, gay,” Barrett re-jabbed the unicorn who had taken to rolling his eyes as wide and slowly as he could muster.

“Fine, I’d concede the first point, but that still doesn’t tell me why you can’t come,” Dusk said, eyes like javelins into Barrett’s own. “I mean, you've got to work with me here, I can only do so much of the work to make it good for you.”

Barrett squirmed in his seat. He chewed haplessly at the inside of his cheek. He was caught in between what he should do and what he was supposed to do.

“Look,” he said after a long silence, “Trust me, alright. If I go, things will get messed up real quick. It’s uh...” Barrett trailed off as he lacked the words he was looking for. The chewing became harder as took to rubbing his hands together. “...I’m really not sure how to explain it, but some things are just better left to fate.”

Dusk looked up at Barrett, Barrett looked down at Dusk, the room silent as the two size each other up. Dusk was the first to drop his gaze, a pout the premiere attraction on his wilted expression. “Fine, don’t come. But, I wish you’d be more honest with me.”

Like a shot through the heart, Barrett winced at that one. A burner of homes, thesis creator of love and the overall overbearing pony he might be, Barrett still if perhaps begrudgingly saw Dusk as a friend. Barrett opened his mouth to speak, thought better of it and rose from his seat. “I promise, it’ll make sense later,” Barrett said before he exited the library. It was Friday morning, all he had to do was make it through this weekend, and everything would be fine.

It was as he plodded down the path to the park when he swore he heard a laugh on the wind. Barrett’s brown knit together as he scanned the surrounding street. Ponies made their way to and fro, one might stop to talk with another or enter a building, but there didn’t seem to a be anyone laughing. Barrett shrugged and continued on, perhaps he’d let his paranoia get the better of him.

---

“You did good Biggs, ya did good,” Barrett said from his bar stool in Wheat’s shitty little pub. The room was pretty dead, though it was only like noon, on a Saturday no less. Wheat stood behind the bar a cloth in one hoof as he cleaned out another glass mug.

“You know, you really like talking to yourself there, bud,” Wheat said with a crooked smile. “I mean’ you’ve been sitting there nursing that beer for like ten minutes muttering about how you did something or another. It’s kind of weird, even for an alien monkey like you,” Wheat burst into a bout of laughter as Barrett glared daggers at the barkeep.

Barrett took a mighty gulp of his poison and smirked hard at the shrewd stallion. “Yeah, whatever, Wheat. At least I’m not a withered old drunk who barely makes enough to pay his own tab, let alone make a profit.”

Wheat clutched his cloth covered hoof over his heart and stepped back a bit. “Ouch, my pride, whatever shall I do about your impeccable wit.”

“I hate you,” Barrett said between sips of beer.

“No, you don’t,” Wheat responded with a smile. “So, what exactly has you here this early anyway?”

“Short answer, I totally didn’t go to a picnic this morning,” Barrett raised his glass high.

“And?” Wheat asked.

“And that kept the timeline fixed and shit. Season two survives,” Barrett let out a chuckle and returned his glass to the bartop.

Wheat for all his drunken glory has thought on occasion that he was in fact a reasonable and thoughtful pony. So, with that in mind, and with all the patience only a father could have, the barkeep smiled and nodded, he nodded as if his life depended on it.

“Just let the crazy human have it,” Wheat muttered into his washcloth.

“Now I just gotta wait for the wedding to end and everything will be fine,” Barrett said as he ran a hand over his face.

It was then that Wheat took Barrett in at full, the bags under his eyes, the pasty complexion that seemed a bit paler than he recalled and the overall drained existence of Equestria’s only human. “What wedding?”

The royal one, Dusk’s bro--I mean sister and the Prince of Love, I’m not sure what his male name is. It’s in a couple days, and Dusk just got the invite,” Barrett baled resting his head on a palm.

Wheat placed the mug he’d been cleaning back on the bar top and leaned in toward Barrett. “Wait, what, when did this happen?”

“The marriage, well I assume after the proposal happened,” Barett said getting a blank look from his companion. “You meant the invite and such, right?” Barrett asked, to which he received a curt nod. “At the picnic.”

Wheat with all the patience of a father and a reasonable hard working stallion did what any hardworking father could. He reached across the bar and slapped his friend upside the head. “Idiot,”

Barrett rubbed a hand across his now aching head. “Hey, what the hell, Wheat?”

“Start making sense,” Wheat said waving his hoof in the air.

“With what?” Barrett asked standing from his bar stool and leaning forward on the bartop.

Wheat furrowed his brow and pointed toward the door. “How could you know about an invite to a wedding, if you weren’t at the picnic where the wedding invite was delivered.”

Barrett hand still rubbing his jaw contemplated this. After a few seconds, he answered. “If I said I saw it in a cartoon, would you believe me?”

Wheat fell back behind the bar and tilted his head. “Isn’t that one of those human things you and Harp butt are always on about?”

Barrett nodded. “Yeah, those.”

“You know what, forget it, I’m not drunk enough for this,” Wheat said, sighed heartily and pulled a nice bottle of whiskey from under the counter. He took two newly cleaned mugs and poured a nice healthy liver rooting helpings for himself and his crazy human friend. “Here, I need a drink, and a wise tender never drinks alone.”

“Cheers then,” Barrett said taking the musky brown beverage and clanged it neatly into Wheat’s own identical drink.

“To the wedding then, you know, if it real and all,” offered as he downed his fill. Barrett opened his mouth to retort, stopped shrugged and downed his as well.

---

Hours had passed, and Barrett felt awesome. Who would have guessed that endless booze and terrible karaoke in a small one-horse town could make a guy forget everything and anything he should or should not remember? Barrett stumbled up to the door of the Apple family home and stopped, hand on the door latch. He shook his head and turned about, only slightly tumbling forward and into the nice lilac bush Red Gala had planted a couple weeks back.

“S’barn, ca-can’ haf tha noice whols’m famil seeth is,” Barrett said followed by a chuckle and hiccup, both at the same time. Barrett decided he’d call it a chuckup, yep that’s what it was. In a manner much like a blind ox in a china shop, Barrett stumbled, clawed, waddled and spun his way to the front door of the barn.

“Op um says ma,” Barrett commanded shoving the heavy wooden door open. Barrett had only barely made it in the nice safe confines of the surprisingly organized venue before he took a nice long deep breath and fell face first onto the ground. The only sign of life a snort and gargled unintelligible noises one might mistake for talking. You know if they too were as drunk and asleep as Barrett currently was.

---

Barrett stood atop a snow-capped mountain, the wind ripped at his jacket. He smiled out at the sparkling night sky. He unscrewed the cap of a metal flask and took a hefty swig of the contents. It was perfect, Barrett turned around, to simple log cabin nestled in between a throng of sturdy pines. No cares in the world, no people, no ponies, just an endless world of white.

Barrett plodded through the half foot of snow and to the door of the humble home. He wiped a ginger gloved hand over the charred wood of the door. The door ripped open forward, Barrett stumbled back as a shadow was cast in the threshold of his simple lodging. Barrett threw a hand over his brow as he took in the shape.

Barrett only had time to mutter a curse below his steaming breath before he was wrapped in a dark blue aura and pulled into the noticeably warmer cabin’s main room.

“Greetings my dearest consort. I had no idea you dreamt of such romantic scenery. May I assume you did so, for our enjoyment?” Artemis’ voice was several decimals louder than was absolutely necessary, especially when the target of his words was currently wrapped tight in his fuzzy embrace.

“Goddamn it, shoulda guessed it was a dream,” Barrett said between his trivial flailing and the tightened grip of the prince.

Artemis released Barrett and grinned. His eyes half-lidded, the hints of a blush in the fire lit cabin’s cozy living space. “But of course, where other than in the dreams of my dearest, would we be found in such a secluded, intimate location.’

“Shouldn’t you be watching for threats and preparing for the wedding or something?” Barrett asked finding the nearest plush lounge chair and falling into its sweet embrace.

Artemis’ smile widened further. “I knew you’d accept your place by our side,” Artemis let out a somewhat girlish squeal before promptly tackling Barrett out of his seat, where he took to nuzzling the human.

“What, gah, no--” Barrett shoved the overly affectionate stallion from his person. “I meant the current one, with Dusk’s sister, that wedding.”

Artemis’ deflated a bit, eyes poised to the ground, one hoof dug hard into the floor. “Oh, o-of course you meant that one. I apologize, I perhaps let my feelings get the better of me.”

Barrett ushered himself back into the seat he’d been excommunicated from a moment prior. “Yeah, whatever, I should’ve seen that coming either way. But seriously, shouldn’t you be watching the castle or whatever?”

“But of course, I watched over the castle all night long, as is our place as Prince of the Night,” Artemis said a hood placed over his chest.

“Wait, what, but isn’t it night right now?”

Artemis shook his head. “To the contrary my dear consort, it is actually almost noon, If my internal clock has not failed me, which it has never done so before.”

“Noon, you’re kidding right?” Barrett asked looking about the room in surprise. “Why the hell am I still sleeping?”

The Prince of the Night let out a short laugh and stepped closer towards the rattled human. “I believe you were sleeping off a long day of merriment and ravel,” The prince leaned in and took a deep breath of Barret’s shirt. “You smell of sweat and alcohol.” Artemis winked as Barrett found even in his dreams his cheeks were cast in sheets of red.

“Right, sorry about that,” Barrett managed between trying to shrink into his seat and fade away.

Artemis tapped a hoof to his chin. “Actually, I must admit I am rather surprised you did not join Dusk Shine and the other elements for the wedding.”

“Well, I mean, I may have declined the invite,” Barrett said, his reddened cheeks calmed for the moment.

“Oh, and why would you do that?” Artemis asked.

“Fate, mostly, sometimes when one knows a secret, it is better to let others discover the truth on their own,” Barrett sat up in his seat, hands folded neatly on his legs as he cast his eye to the flames of the fireplace.

“And what if that secret does more harm by keeping than by waiting for the truth to reveal itself?” Artemis asked. Barrett sighed and shook his head. He thought back to the show, to how hard Twilight had to fight to reveal the Changelings and how if it wasn’t for the plot, she could have died, how they all could have died.

“Life can be harsh, the truth is a rarity if you can offer someone that, shouldn’t you?” Artemis’ words rung in Barrett’s ears.

“This isn’t a story, no guarantees, this is real, isn’t it?” Barrett asked. His eyes met Artemis’ own. The gaze lasted a moment and a moment alone.

“This world, the lives of those here, and yes, even this dream are real. Life is a story, that is true, but the stories of life rarely have happy endings. My past is proof of that. Though,” Artemis stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Barrett’s neck.” I believe I am still searching for such an ending even now.”

Barrett wavered only a second before he returned the tender hug. “Thanks, Artemis.”

Artemis pulled away, eyes sparkled as he smiled brightly at the human. “Of course, it is my duty as a prince and my pleasure as your friend.”

Barrett pulled a surprised prince back into the hug. Barrett’s mind raced with the fortunes of those in Canterlot. A scene of Dusk falling into the crystal mines below Canterlot Castle forced the human to grit his teeth.

“Barrett?” Artemis asked, as Barrett’s grip tightened further.

In a snap reality returned to Barrett, or dream reality anyway. Barrett released his friend and coughed into a fist. “Sorry, I just remembered something important.”

Artemis tilted his head, ears swiveled as he beckoned the human further. “Oh?”

The flames in the fireplace flicked, the embers dwindled the dark crept into the corners of the cozy cabin. “Dusk’s in trouble, like real trouble.”

A sudden rumble shook the cabin. The fire flickered as Artemis waved at the human. “Your waking is nigh, you must be brief, what plagues young Dusk Shine,” Artemis leans in toward Barrett.

Barrett shot from his seat, hands wrapping around Artemis’ shoulders. “Crap, listen, you need to get me to Canterlot now, the threat, it’s Changelings, there are Changelings in Canterlot. Dusk needs hel--” Barrett’s voice drifted off as he clawed desperately at the unconscious whims of his waking mind. The last thing in the dreamscape Barrett saw was the full, surprised eyes of the prince and a then blinding light.

CH11: Less Crashing a Wedding, More Laying Siege to One

A gentle light pierced the simple cracks in the large hardwood barn, where Barrett had drifted off into a fitful, alcohol-fueled slumber. The day was fresh, the birds sang a happy tune as they gathered in the rafters and all was well in Sweet Apple Acres. This was of course if one assumed a delirious human wasn’t woken in a fit of horror.

Barrett, dirt covered, shot up from his prone position on the Barn floor, eyes wide as he blindly stared ahead of himself. “Help, now,” was all the human could muster before the heavy ache in his head interrupted his train of thought. “Aaaah, for the love of,” Barrett groaned as he pressed his forearm hard over his eyes.

In was there for several minutes the human sat, he did not move, he did not speak, he sat as silent as the grave. The birds above had fled. This left the human in a bard, the smell of alcohol, apples, and woodchips his only companions. Barrett pondered if life were worth living, that in a world where one can wake up in such pain, would not the greatest mercy be death?

However, as the human sat and muttered frivolous obscenities and threats to Solaris, something sudden and unexpected brought the human to himself once more. The sturdy reinforced doors of the barn were thrown asunder. The doors did not merely fly inward, they instead flew inward and over the shocked human who starred bleary-eyed into the bright day. The now barren entrance to the barn was met with a single silhouette.

“Dearest Barrett, I have come to collect you, as you instructed,” The familiar and far too loud voice of Artemis said as he plodded into the room.

Barrett cursed under his breath as he took in the prince who stood wings flared, legs wide and eyes fierce, a moonlit fire set behind his cyan orbs. “Artemis, stop yelling, I’m hung the shit over.”

“Oh, my apologies,” Artemis said his voice lowered to a whisper. “I may have got caught in the moment.”

Barrett shook his head with another breathless fit of cursing before he stood, his legs wobbled as he dusted himself off, but held all the same. ‘Yeah, well that’s my fault anyway. You got here faster than I’d expected, that’s for sure.”

“For such as myself teleporting from Canterlot’s perimeter was nothing,” The stallion grinned head held high as he spoke. “Though it did take me a few moments to make it outside of the city barrier before doing so."

“Oh right, I guess the barrier would make teleporting to and fro a bit difficult,” Barrett said as he rubbed a hand against the side of his head.

“Indeed, which means our daring rescue of friend Dusk Shine, will be of the flying sort. Come my dearest, let us make haste to battle,” Artemis gave Barrett no time to respond before he dashed out of the barn. Barrett took a moment to flick a hand through his hair, smell his shirt, gag a bit and then silently follow the long gone prince.

Barrett groaned as the brilliance of Solaris’ light hit him in full all at once. “Kill me,” he said both arms up in defense against the cruel reality of the sun.

Artemis looked back to the staggered Barrett in all his debilitated glory. “Quickly dear Barrett mount me,” Artemis said from his position ahead of the now red-faced human. “Now,” Artemis insisted with a shake of his rump.

Barrett spluttered as he backed himself toward the gaping barn door. “Shit Artemis, this is so not the time for that. Also, I’m not gay, you crazy magic horse.”

Artemis’ brow knit together, his smile faded into a puzzled frown. It only took a moment before the stallion erupted into a fit of hysterical laughter. Barrett could naught but watch as the cackling mad stallion’s horn began to glow. He barely felt the sudden shift of weight as he was suddenly wrenched from the earth and slowly pulled toward the wielder of unholy and entirely not fair magics.

“Put me down,” Barrett said arms flailed helplessly as he reached for anything to steady and bar himself from the defiance against physics and common decency.

“As you wish,” Artemis managed to say between strings of faltering laughter. Barrett had little time to rejoice as he felt himself land a top something soft and firm.

Barrett looked down to note his seat on Artemis’ back, he had only the time to pat the incredibly soft and silky coat beneath him before a particular pair of wings mere inches in front of him spread wide. “Oh,” Barrett stuttered as in a sudden flash of feathers and laughter Artemis took to the skies, ten, fifty, a hundred feet and he continued to rise.

Barrett looked over the side of his impromptu steed, he shouldn’t have done that. His mind and gaze spiraled. In a display of one who is and has never been designed to fly, Barrett wrapped his arms around Artemis’ barrel and prayed to whatever god was listening. He then prayed that the god listening wasn’t Solaris.

As the wind rushed and the sharp mind shattering vertigo met a finite equilibrium. Barrett found that perhaps flight wasn’t the single worst concept in the history of evolution, and then he looked down once more. Sick bile burned in the back of Barrett’s throat, his body racked with an intense need to relieve his night of revelry across the vast landscape beneath him.

“What is the matter, do you not enjoy riding me?” Artemis asked a single eye gazed back at the hunched and woozie human. Artemis was awarded a poignant answer when a foam-like spray rained down over his side and pulled away by the air current.

“I hate, everything,” Barrett coughed and wretched once more over the undeserving world below.

Artemis was an ancient pony, very old indeed, it is with this age that he’d learned many valuable and harsh lessons. The lesson he learned today, however, was both harsh and useful. “I suppose a brisk flight while suffering a rather impressive hangover was not on your daily regime, was it?” the prince asked having returned his sights to the world before him, rather than that behind or a top him.

“Don’t stop,” Barrett managed as he adjusted himself again. He held tight to his courier, eyes squinted as he attempted to stare past Artemis and toward the ever looming city of Canterlot which grew closer with every second.

“Are you--” Artemis looked back again, only to find his words lost in the gaze of his dearest human. Barrett’s eyes even squinted due to wind pressure held a subtle flame, like the flickering heat of a fireplace. A flame that would not burn, but warm, it coasted the life of those who dared to see it. Artemis was lost in those eyes, his heart pounded as Barrett stared ahead against the elements and against the wracked shudders of his pained body. Artemis could not help but smile, his face even as the headwind ripped by felt the heat of the human’s spirit and he sighed wistfully. “As you wish, my love,” Artemis corrected, as the duo flew on the city now well within sight the barrier, however, was not.

“It’s already started,” Barrett said as he scooched forward which caused the unprepared Artemis to tip a tad forward.

Like flies, the swarms of Changeling drones buzzed over, around through, and about the city buildings and streets. Their wings buzzed as they dove and swatted at any pony unlucky enough to catch their eye. Artemis growled a deep throaty noise that sent a shiver down Barrett’s spine. In a burst of speed, the prince soared into the first Changeling collective, horn shrouded in a deep blue, sparks and ozone wafted from the appendage to the surprise and beguile of the unprepared drones.

What followed was not a fight. That Barrett was thoroughly convinced of, the drones barely had time to acknowledge the ambush before hues of magic poured down like a tidal wave atop them. They managed only a harsh gasp before the small group was flung into the cobbled streets below, where the lay a mess of limbs that twitched mindlessly.

“Holy shit, that was,” Barrett’s voice trailed off as Artemis’ peeled high into the spiraling towers that made up the more significant portion of the city in whole.

“A blight such as these cretins shall know the eternal woe of the Lunar Knight,” Artemis said the glow about his horn grew denser, the color no longer a dark blue, but a piercing black.

“Um, Artemis, are, are you cool? I mean, we kinda need to get to the castle,” Barrett yelled above the rushing wind and hum of magic.

Artemis smirked as he looked back, eyes drawn to the human’s own. “Aye, and we shall, but that does not forbid us from causing some turmoil on the way. What say you, shall we plunge these worms into anarchy?”

Barrett rolled his neck and shrugged. “Yeah okay,” he said with a half-cocked smile.

The sky was wrought with the cries of battle. The swarms of the Changeling invasion were met with the unstoppable force of a very distraught alicorn and his far more unstable, unbalanced and far less threatening human companion. Wave after wave of the love suckers charged and like the precession before them, they were met with the fierce aura of their targets.

Through the buzzing battalion of battle-born drones, the castle loomed ever closer. The grand antechamber, where the royal wedding had been planned, held a view that gazed out over the Canterlot horizon. At this moment, however, to the discredit of the view and unbeknownst to the occupants of said chamber. The only sight of note through the massive trifold windows that gazed out unto the world was the ever approaching form of a certain heroic duo.

Barrett panted as air ripped past his face. While the forms were blurred at their current speeds, he could make out a large gathering of bodies through the rather convenient windows before him. Barrett gulped as he took note of the city at large. At this stage, there was no doubt the climactic finale to this story was very close. The love of the engaged would repel the Changeling hive and save the day. He shuddered as he realized how late to the party he really was.

The question gripped hard to his mind as the window drew ever closer. Why had he even come, it’s not like he’d change much anyway? Well, except for where Lu-- he caught himself. Where Artemis had been at this point, he’d figured that out at least.

“Let us finish this,” Artemis said as the windows came face-to-face with the prince and his rather deep seeded delight in breaking anything that stood in his way of victory. The glass exploded in a dazzling reflection of the azure bean that preceded the arrival of the pair. Barrett held an arm over his face to shield from the glass shrapnel that now sprayed down upon the podium in the center of the raised altar in the front of the chamber.

The sound of surprised gasps, roars of anger and the cheers of several rather impressed stallions followed the entrance.

“Who would dare?” A deep clicking voice howled above all others. Barrett managed a peek over the side of his steed at the male parallel of Queen Chrysalis. Barrett clucked his tongue as he tried to place or at least guess a name, but with the stakes at hand found nothing suitable came to mind.

Artemis landed wings flared, eyes and horn still alight with magic. “It is over, you now face the might of the moon,” Barrett managed a sudden if not awkward jump from his perch. He landed on both knees before shaking he rose to his feet.

“Barrett?” Dusk asked as the human looked about the room.

“Biggs, what the hay are you doing here?” Rainbow followed up as he struggled against the green gloop that held him to the floor.

“I um, kinda felt guilty about not being here. So, I asked Artemis for a ride and well,” Barrett tapped his chest. “I’m here now. You know even with Canterlot’s roach problem.”

The King of the Changeling found his gaze glued to the new arrivals. He sized up Artemis and scoffed. However, the prince had brought with him something strange and different. The King smirked and took a step closer to the human.

“Don’t ya dare go anywhere near him,” Applejack yelled at the King, who rolled his eyes and continued forth unabated.

“My, my, I must say, I expected you,” the King pointed a hoof at Artemis. “But this,” he pursed his lips as he eyed Barrett. “Thing is quite the interesting little surprise. If I recall right, those fools,” he motioned to Dusk and company, "have had quite a lot to say about a Barrett. I take it that is you?”

Barrett facepalmed. “Come on guys, you go to another guy’s wedding, and all you can do is talk about me? Really, that’s just tacky guys, come on,” Barrett said throwing both arms out as he turned to the guilty gaggle of stallions. All of whom, not counting Barry who seemed just happy to be there, or perhaps just delighted Barrett was there looked somewhat uncomfortable.

“Well, I mean, love is in the air, darling, it felt rather appropriate at the time,” Elusive muttered at the ground.

“Yeah, and it’s always super fun to talk about you,” Barry added with a thrilled wave.

“Barry, you’re not helping,” Blitz said in a not so whisper whisper.

“Be that as it may,” The King said with a stomp. “I am afraid this is as far as you go.”

“Not the way I see it, King…?” Barrett trailed off rolling his hands and beckoning to the imposing, massive, displeased insect horse, whose face only soured further from the gesture.

“King Metamorphis, King of the Changelings and as of today, ruler of Equestria as well,” The King answered with a room-rattling laugh.

“Yeah you really are a nutjob aren’t ya? I mean let’s be real. You stole the power of one mare, congrats,” Barrett said as slowly applauded the bemused monarch.

Bite your tongue fool,” Metamorphis said, with another chuckle. “Perhaps you are right, poor little Gleaming Shield is, after all, just one mare, with only the love of a single pathetic stallion.”

The prince of love, eyes ablaze leered across the room at the bane of his marriage. “Watch your mouth,” he said teeth grinding together as he strained against his restraints.

Metamorphis offered only a sneer before he returned to his new verbal opponent. “But luckily for me, you’ve delivered quite the buffet to dine on. If one mare’s love is not enough, I now have quite a few stallions to suck dry as well.”

“Not as long as I draw breath,” Artemis roared discharging a bolt of energy. The bolt met one of Metamorphis’ own. The room was filled with the crackling of energy and smoke as the two royals began a battle, that if one was honest was far more satisfying than the one between the solar diarch and the Changeling King.

Barrett however, rather than watch the two titans tussle, did what the magically illiterate would do and ran for his life. It took him less than a minute to scurry between the debris and panicked drone guards to that of his captured friends.

“Barrett what are you doing?” Dusk whispered as the human started clawing at one glob of gloop at Dusk’s hooves.

“Trying to get you free, we need Gleaming to do her barrier spell, you know, like yesterday,” The human paused to give his insufferable friend, but still a friend, a brief smile. “Come on Dusk.”

Dusk returned the smile and eyes shut he released a burst of magic that melted the glueish gloop and rendered it to droopy goo. Dusk looked at Barrett who delivered a thumbs up before nudging the stallion toward his sister.

Dusk quickly centered around his friends to the royal couple. “We need you to use your barrier spell.”

Gleaming puzzled attempted to light her horn only for it to fizzle and her to shake her head. “I can’t, I don’t have enough power.”

Her loving prince nuzzled the distraught mare. “My love will give you the power you need.”

“Ergh, gag me,” Barrett pointed a finger down his open mouth.

“Only with your consent dear,” Elusive said with an eyebrow wiggle.

“Oh dear, I didn’t know you were into that,” Butterscotch added with a slight blush.

Barrett turned to the doting couple. “Please, continue,” he said with a curt nod.

Metamorphis caught the movement amongst the captives and sent a blast just above the kneeling human. “Did you think I would just sit back and do nothing, as you plot? You can’t possibly think you can stop me?” Metamorphis growled as he flew into the air and pointed down at the group.

Barrett stood to his full height hands raised in surrender. “No, no, trust me, I can’t possibly stop you,” Barrett said with a smile, a smile matched by the Changeling Kling’s own smug grin. “But,” the King’s smile faded, “they can,” Barrett pointed to Gleaming and her prince, whose horns were now wrapped in a cone of their combined magic.

The lovers were pulled into the air and wrapped in a cocoon of magic energy. The room gazed up at the spectacle. The power pulsed and Metamorphis found himself shaken by the raw force of love from the couple.

“No, this isn’t possible,” the King swore as he felt himself be pulled from the ground.

“It’s over Metamorphis, you lose,” Dusk Shine said as his friends gathered around him.

“No, no, you will pay, you will all pay, you ponies and your creature,” The King seethed. His eyes were locked on Barrett who in turn had taken to standing hard against the wall.

The room exploded into light, the full force of the love magic pulsed out and swatted away the Changelings in mass. The shouts of the hive could be heard long after they were flung free of the castle and even the city as a whole. When the light faded, the two ponies that wielded it drifted to the ground still in a close embrace.

“That was a lot scarier up close,” Barrett mumbled as he pried himself from the wall. He’d barely made it ten feet before he was knocked from his feet, under the weight of purple fur and hooves.

“Barrett,” Dusk Shine cooed as he nuzzled the struggling human beneath him. “You, you came, and you rescued me, you rescued all of us,” Dusk Shine was giggling like mad as he refused to be pried from his spot atop his crush.

“I didn’t do anything. It was all you guys,” Barrett pointed with a freed hand to Dusk’s sister. Who sat nuzzling her stallion and grinning madly at her younger brother. “You saved the day, I just played decoy.”

Dusk was suddenly pulled back from his spot on Barrett by a dozen hooves to the laughter of his other friends. “Come on Dusk, don’t hog him all to yourself,” Blitz said as Dusk squirmed hooves swatting at the other stallions.

“Yeah, Dusky we want Barrett hug time too,” Barry added as Dusk was plopped down in front of the human with a huff and a pout.

Barrett’s eye caught the open door that marked the entrance to the hall. He then took in the friends who were conversing with Dusk. He nodded and scrambled to his feet. He could feel his breath hard and heavy as he dashed for safety. His lungs burned, his head swam, but he ran, he ran as hard as he could. “Barrett, wait up, partner,” Applejack called as the other ponies in the room took note of his sprint. Barrett ran faster.

Barrett looked back at the those behind him. They were on their hooves and mad on his heels. Barrett laughed and winked back at the group. “Nope, still not gay, no hugs, I gotta go, bye.”

CH12: Aftermath: The Reception

Barrett sat chair tilted back on two legs as he watched the ponies at the wedding reception dance. He sipped at a cup of punch and smiled gently at the bride and groom. The evening light showered the royal gardens in a relaxed shade of orange.

Barrett blinked as the chair across the table creaked. He flicked an eye over to a happy Dusk Shine who gave a small wave. “Having fun?” Dusk asked as floated a cup of punch from across the dance floor. “You cleaned up nice, by the way,” Dusk eyed the human, freshly scrubbed, rinsed and soaped in the private baths of the royal brothers. Solaris had insisted once he’d been freed from his cocoon. Though why he’d followed the invitation with a bout of laughter was lost on Dusk.

“I guess, formal scenes were never really my thing. But, hey, once in a while doesn’t hurt,” Barrett offered his drink for a toast. The gentle clank of glass had Dusk snort and peer out over the festivities.

Blitz was knee deep in fanboying over the Wonderbolts. Barry and Vinny were playing DJs. AJ and Elusive seemed deep in a conversation. Oh and of course Butterscotch was using Barb as a shield to avoid the rest of the guests. “It’s kind of strange, how quickly things went back to normal. You know, after everything that happened this afternoon,” Dusk turned back to Barrett, who nodded.

“Yeah, but it wouldn’t be a day in Equestria, or heck, a day with you if something crazy, stupid or both weren’t knocking down the door,” Barrett said. Dusk looked away eyes to the ground. “Dusk, look out, happily married sister and new brother inbound.”

Dusk looked up to the beaming faces of his family. Gleaming wrapped Dusk in a one-legged hug. “Hey bro, why the long face?” she asked followed by a noogie.

Dusk swatted his sister’s attack away with a chuckle. “Stop, stop, I’m fine,” Dusk surrendered as the pair fell into a fit of laughter.

“Is that so? You know I can read emotions, right Dusk?” Prince Bolaro said with a cheeky wink. Barrett rolled the prince’s name in his head. Cadence was definitely a better name he decided. Besides this stallion was so pink is almost hurt to look at him.

“So, gonna introduce us to your alien coltfriend?” Gleaming asked with a nudge. “And mom said I was shooting for the moon.”

“Gleam,” Dusk said cheeks aflame as he tried to cover it and shrink away.

“As much as Dusk deserves a good teasing and all. I don’t believe I’ve had the chance to introduce myself,” Barrett tapped the table and pulled the attention of the Shine family siblings. “Names Barrett Biggs, pleasure,” Barrett offered a hand to the standing prince.

“Prince Mi Encantador Bolero, but please just Bolero,” the prince said accepting the human’s handshake. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. You know outside of the Changeling invasion.”

Barrett shrugged and met the prince’s grin with his own. “It’d be stranger if we met any other way. As long as the Elements are involved crazy is just around the corner.”

“I’m beginning to think you may be right,” Bolero said as he and Barrett both gave Dusk a knowing look.

“Oh great, it only took a minute for you guys to start picking on me in mass,” Dusk mumbled with a pout.

“Oh come on Dusky, it’s natural for siblings to tease each other. So, how long?” Gleaming Shield asked a quick jab to her brother’s chest.

Dusk frowned. “How long what?”

“Have you had your eyes on Barrett?” Bolero finished his wife’s thought. He pulled Barrett to the human’s surprise closer than he’d have liked. “The second he landed in the castle I felt a surge of love so potent I nearly fainted.”

“Huh, kinda reminds me of what King Bug said back there too,” Barrett managed from his place against Bolero’s side. A position he was in the midst of rectifying as he elbowed the prince repeatedly. Though if it was affecting him, Bolero showed little sign. “Also, I am and have not been with anyone as of my time in crazy magic horse land,” Barrett said as he continued his assault on the prince’s side.

“Really, even with so many open invitations? I mean, certainly at least one must be your type,” Bolero said with a gentle tap on Barrett’s nose. “Or is it, you have no interest in ponies at all?” he continued his eyes pierced deep into the trapped human’s own. The lipid lavender pools. Barrett himself shiver as the stare lingered, t was like his very soul was being judged. No matter what it was, he did not like it, he did not like it one bit.

“Is every stinken pony in this whole stupid world bi or something, or pan maybe, heck if I understand em’,” Barrett growled. With a single heavy pull, he tore himself free from the clutches of the monarch of pink and stared back his gaze a torrent of rebuke.

“I can see why you might think that, but no, not necessarily,” Bolero held a hoof to his chest as his horn lit softly in the evening glow. “Ponies are incredibly susceptible to the Magic of Love. This magic finds and binds two, or more souls together. As such, ponies don’t really focus on sex or species.” Bolero pointed between Barrett and Dusk. “Instead, ponies are more likely to feel the tug of these invisible tethers and trust in the magic, and it's pure untainted power. “So, a stallion might find a mare, a stallion, a griffon, a drake, or in this case a group of stallions might find a human to be their tether.”

Barrett scratched his head as he took in the lesson at hand. “Uh, well, that’s one way to date, I guess,” he shrugged and saddled back in his seat. “So, basically, heartstrings and true love, love will find a way. Sounds a whole lot easier than the human way.”

Bolero laughed, which was joined by his wife and Dusk. “It seems like it,” Gleaming said as she nuzzled up to her hubby.

“I guess nopony bothered to tell you as much because we assumed you knew,” Dusk felt his gaze waver on Barrett before he turned to the garden. “I’m sorry, we kind of took the magic for granted and didn’t think about how foreign something like that might be to you,” Dusk peeked passed his mane at the human who no longer sat in his chair.

Dusk jolted as a hand pat his head. Barrett stood in front of the stallion and stuck out his tongue. “It’s not like I asked. I kind assumed everything worked like it did back home,” Barrett’s soft smile became a devious grin. “Though I don’t think any magic forced you to play with fire,” Dusk’s eyes went wide as he slowly looked back at his family, who seemed rather interested in the news.

“Playing with fire?” Gleaming asked with a frown. “Barrett you wouldn’t mind elaborating, would you?”

Barrett shook his head. “Of course not Captain,” Dusk wished with all his heart he knew a spell to shrink away.

Barrett waved a hand overhead as he gazed out into space. “It all started on a bright and quiet day in Ponyville…”

---

“I’m tellin’ ya, it can’t be done,” Applejack said as he reaffirmed his hat once more.

Elusive shook his head and waved off the comment. “You underestimate me, if anypony can do it, it would be me.”

“For a romantic, you sure do dance around any actual courtin’,’” AJ fired back with a scowl of his own.

Barrett walked up to the two stallions who’d taken up shop right in front of the punch bowl. Barrett stood, empty glass in hand and watched as the two stallions seemed on the edge of taking their squabble from verbal jabs to real ones.

“So, what now?” Barrett asked as he placed a hand on each stallion’s shoulder. “What’s got you two so worked up?”

As if a switch had been pulled in the hearts of the combatants, both Elusive and Applejack’s eyes felt drawn to each other's in a mutual understanding and then to the curious human.

Applejack recovered first. “Uh, nothin’ much, just a bit of this and that,” he said his eyes darted back and forth as he forced a tuneless whistle.

“Yes, yes, it was just a bit of artistic difference, nothing to worry your beautiful self with, darling,” Elusive agreed with a rather large bright and entirely see-through smile.

“Riiight, okay, don’t tell me then. But, if you’re going to argue, could you move away from the punch and snacks?” Barrett addresses the table. “Nothing kills an appetite like two guys bickering.”

“Of course, though I don’t see a need to continue to--” Elusive through up hoof air quotes. A gesture Barrett thought was grammatically inconsistent since you need to digits to emulate quotes, but ponies will be ponies. “--Bicker as you say. Right Applejack?”

The stalwart farmer nodded in agreement. “Eeyup.”

“Good, I’d hate for you guys to make a scene and embarrass anyone,” Barett added with a smirk.

“Heaven’s, I would never. This night is for the blossoming love of two brilliant souls. I would sooner walk away or concede than let my petty faux pas ruin the night,” Elusive said a hoof raised over his brow as he leaned back in distress.

“Sure ya would, drama queen,” AJ said as he turned to Barrett, “Speakin’ of, you’ll be headin’ back with us tomorrow right?”

“Of course, how else am I gonna keep you Apple’s runnin’ tight and loose at the same time,” Barrett added with a nudge. Both Elusive and AJ found the garden quite a bit warmer all the sudden. “That and I really need to get those repairs finished. I really hate taking advantage of your hospitality.”

“Shucks, hun--I mean, hayseed, you can stay as long as you need. Heck, you could stay--” Applejack found his voice dissipate as he tried to respond. “Forever,” he said his voice barely a whisper by the end.

Barrett tapped an ear. “Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that last part.”

Elusive jabbed his jabbering friend in the side with a sly wink. “Smooth,” he added as he stepped passed the mumbling farmer. “Nevermind that darling, AJ seems to have got lost in thought.”

“Hmm,” Barrett gave AJ a curious look.

“But, if it’s all the same, I was hoping that in the next few days you wouldn’t mind stopping by my humble shop? I have something, special I came up with just for you,” Elusive punctuated with the question with a hoof trailing down Barrett’s stomach and the human taking a step back in surprise.

“I guess,” Barrett said rubbing his shirt with a hand idly.

Elusive smiled and bowed. “Excellent, then, I’ll see you in the morning, until then, mi amore,” with that Elusive was off to ob and nob with the best of them.

Barrett stood in silence as he refilled his punch. That was until a certain pink party pony wrapped his hooves around his waist and pulled him toward the dance floor. “Come on Baraboo, there are only a few songs left, and I was saving a special slow-dance just for us.”

Barrett felt a sudden dread descend upon him as he noted a dozen sets of eyes on him. “Hey, that’s not fair. Who said you got the first dance with Biggs,” Rainbow Blitz yelled as he flew into the fray. “I mean, it’s not like I want to or anything, but you know if--” he motioned to Barrett whose dread had been doubled. “--he wanted to or something, I wouldn’t say no.”

Barry giggled as he beamed up as Blitz. “That’s fine Blitzy, you can have the first dance.”

Blitz blinked and fell to the ground. “R-really?”

Barry nodded like a hundred times in less than a second. “Yep, I’ll just get the last. You know the dance that is like the mostest romantic of them all.” Barry’s grin was bright enough to eclipse the sun.

“Nay, I shall have the final bout with my consort,” Artemis said as he too trudged onto the open dance area. Barrett had begun to pray, though he had in fact concluded that if anyone was listening it was Solaris. For only he could torture someone so thoroughly.

“Now hold on, Barry has first dibs, then you can go,” Blitz offered Artemis. “Then I’ll finish up.

“So where do I fit in?” Butterscotch asked from beside Blitz. The master of faster kept true to his skills as he yelped in surprise from Scotches sudden arrival.

It was off in the distance, one may not have caught it if they weren’t listening for it. But to Barrett, it was crystal clear, the unmistakable laughter of an impeccably treacherous lord of the sun.

“God damn it,” Barrett said as the pack of stallion’s passed him about in their endless pursuit of who gets the last dance.

Barrett gazed high into the night sky with only one thought in his tired, cynical little mind. “Why me?” the thought was doubly affirmed as Barrett pat his back pocket, where a certain stupid out-of-date device sat snug and comfy. “Oh right, that’s why.”

Author's Notes:

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Undertale Abridged:

Skateboard Animation

CH13: That Feeling You Get, You Know The One

It was nice to finally be back in his own home, and it not be charred and smelling of soot. Barrett patted the wall beside him with a grin. It’d been two weeks since the wedding, and everything seemed all in all, just fine. “I guess I owe Applejack and to a lesser degree Dusk a thank you present or something. Maybe a party, or something?” Barrett stood back against the doorframe, a hand idly adjusting his glasses. “Guess I’ll go see Barry, at some point.”

Barrett shrugged and popped a hand against the other side of the door frame. The human pushed off from his position and toward the front door, his front door, one that he could use to block ponies from admitting their feelings or other such nonsense. Barrett lovingly stroked a hand down the polished wood. It truly was nice to have privacy once again, he thought as he slowly turned the knob to the wide-wide world outside.

The jaunt through the peaceful streets of Ponyville was relaxing and to Barrett’s ever satisfaction, free from any distractions. Barrett waved at Bar-Bar who was making his way to his shop. Barrett smiled wide as the confectionist waved back. He saluted Dopey as the clumsy mail-colt made his way through the clear skies above. It was almost as perfect as a day could be.

Barrett stopped in his tracks his vision flicking to the edges of his periphery. A strange amorphous black smudge seemed to stick just out of sight. Barrett blinked, placed both hands behind his back and started his stroll again. This time he even started a jaunty little whistle. Barret made it another block before suddenly whipping around toward the smudge. When he did so, he found the blemish was in fact, nothing? Barrett cocked a brow and slid his glasses off. He gave them a thorough wiping and gingerly replaced them on his nose. He looked back at the street. The street was empty, devoid of any smudge at all.

“Weird,” Barrett said to nothing in particular. He peered out of the corner of his eye to find the smudge no longer there. He turned back to his original path and peered out again. The stain was still gone, Barrett shrugged and continued his march.

---

Barrett plunked over the mini-bridge that marked the home of his demeanor accomplice in the written arts. Barrett let a soft knock against the hobbit hole door that Butterscotch swore he knew nothing about. The house inside was tranquil, for a home that hosted like three dozen critters of some sort at a time. Barrett knocked again a bit harder. The sound of a thump followed by a turning lock was all the warning Barrett needed to be met with the tiny visage of spoiled pets known merely as Angelica.

“Hey,” Barrett gave the bunny a curt wave. “Scotch home?”

Angelica rolled her eyes and waved the human in. The two made it to the living room in whole, where Barrett found a spot on the couch. Angelica for her part thumped a foot impatiently trading glances between Barrett and the stairs.

“Should I--” Barrett was interrupted by the growl of the bunny as she held up a paw in protest. Barrett sighed and motioned to the tony rabbit. “Well?”

Angelica bounded up the stairs, as Barrett quietly sat and watched, hands clasped between his legs. Barrett could only guess what followed. A door knock, a startled eep, Angry rabbit noises, and a bunch of whispers and whimpering.

Barrett coughed and tried a more direct approach. “Scotch, you okay, I can come back later if you want?” Barrett cringed at the sound of something heavy hitting the floor above him.

“No, no, I’m--I mean. I’ll, I’ll be down in just a minute,” Butterscotch yelled from the room above. Barrett knit his brow together, and hands-on knees pushed himself up. There was another bout of whispers and what Barrett thought and hoped wasn’t the sound of a bunny slapping the poor stallion for whatever reason.

Nope, Barrett thought as he jumped from his seat and walked toward the stairs. In a matter of seconds, he was not only in fact at the stairs, but had reached the top of them as well. It was such a feat that the denizens of the room beyond the door atop those stairs hadn’t noticed. In fact, Butterscotch was still whispering beyond the door.

“What if he hates the color, or the trim, oh I know I should’ve asked Lucy,” Scotch stopped as a series of angry squeaks, and another slap overshadowed the poor thing. “Maybe I still have time to, oh what’s the point.”

Barrett felt odd. He firstly felt annoyed that Angelica was apparently repeatedly hitting his friend. Secondly the whimpering depressed self-loathing of his friend made him want to hug that very friend until they felt better. However, beyond all of that, he felt very, very confused. Barrett in his vast and unending time making choices, for better or worse made another in that very moment. Barrett stood tall, placed a hand on the doorknob, and through open that door. It was his duty to help his friend, his scared and often anxiety riddled friend, a friend whom he’d already upset once in recent memory. He would help that friend with their problem. Barrett took in the room and felt his jaw go slack.

Barrett had expected many scenarios, some more likely than others. Barrett’s eyes trailed up and down the current predicament. Barrett’s mind raced, the room now a frozen canvas in his mind.

A series of questions past in quick succession: Did Butterscotch do this often? Was he talking about me, before? Butterscotch was probably still super good at sewing, but dresses? Barrett clawed sat his shirt collar, a bead of sweat running down his brow. Barrett could imagine Scotch making vests or suits, yeah, he’d worn a suit at the wedding. A nice simple black tux, it was clear and crisp against his otherwise butter yellow coat, but this, this was mellow, light, almost cyan, but a shade or so off.

The silky dress caressed his friend's back, smoothing out his frame. He seemed smaller, gentler if that was possible. In a way, reminiscent of Fluttershy in how he let the dress be bold in his place. His nervous pout did not faze Angelica, who frowned at him in gruff exasperation.

A twittering of birds pulled the room back to reality. The silk seemed to dance across Scotch’s form as he raised his head to the fellowship of some birds who’d flown onto the sill of Butter’s open window. A small smile lit Butter’s face as the light caught his form when he shifted. Barrett found his eyes unable to look away. It had all the staying power of train wreck and all the grace of a sunset over the sea.

Angelica waved a hand in the direction of several of the birds, who took to the air. In a single swoop, they took up a length of lace and shaped it like a frame in between the Barrett and the surprised Butterscotch, who’d only just noticed the human. The lace was shaped like a heart, which only emphasized the dark red that had enveloped both Scotch’s cheeks and muzzle.

“B-Barrett,” and with that single word the spell broke and Barrett blinked. Barrett gripped a hand tight at his heart and let out a breath, one he’d been unaware he’d been holding.

It’s just Butterscotch, in a dress, but just Scotch. Barrett’s mind raced as he took in the waiting stallion again. The dress aside, Barrett thought, it was still just Butterscotch, and he was far from going to judge the poor thing on his hobbies, a hobby he’d walked in on. So, yep, Barrett, this is your fault. Barrett raised a hand for a weak wave. “Hey, Scotch, sorry to um, interrupt. I um, eh, just kinda thought Angelica was well, herself. So, I came up too--” Barrett trailed off as he waved his hands for more words to say. Though as it were, that seemed rather unlikely.

“Oh, no, she was just...” Scotch looked over to the bunny, face still bright red. The little bunny barely noticed as she rolled around in fits of laughter. “...she was trying to help me find my nerve.”

Barrett gave a still thumbs up. “Oh, well, cool I guess.”

“Um, do you like it? The dress I mean,” Butterscotch took a modest step forward and gave a nervous smile.

“Uh, yeah, I guess. It’s pretty and all,” Barrett said taking a keen interest in the nearest lamp.

“Really?” Scotch said, darting into the air, eyes wide, with a matching toothy grin. The fading red of his cheeks returned in a fury as he hovered closer and closer to the human. “You really think I’m pretty?”

Barrett inched toward the door. He felt a certain heat in his chest as he tried to wrap his mind around the scenario. What should he say? In truth, Barrett thought most ponies were cute, like oversized puppies. But this was a bit out of his depth. Barrett made a plan, it was sure to succeed, it had too.

“Yeah, uh--huh, stunning dress, I’m glad you felt like sharing your hobby and all. But I really gotta go, I really need to see Barry about a party and, well, bye,” Barrett smiled, waved and darted out of the room like his pants had in fact been consumed by flames most foul.

Butterscotch stared at the now empty doorway. A now calm Angelica bound over to the stunned stallion and offered a consolatory pat on the hoof. Angelica for all her spirit, and will was not expecting the crushing hug of her dearest friend. She between heaving breaths and the sound of breaking bones looked up at Butterscotch. Her brow was flung beyond the reach of even Solaris as she took in his dreamy smile.

The stallion looked down at his hug buddy. “Did you hear that Angelica? Barrett thinks I’m pretty,” The bunny if it were possible within the iron grip of her captor, would have first planted a paw to her own face and then a much harder one to his.

---

Barrett had made it several hundred feet back into town and now stood slouched over desperately gulping at air. Barrett thought back to the scene, then to the last time he’d spent one on one time with Scotch. He shook his head, god knows he doesn’t need Blitz blowing up again over an accident.

Barrett righted his posture and took in the town street. He would be the first to admit he hadn’t been at Butterscotch’s cottage that long, but the roads still seemed rather barren. A pony here and there made their way about. Octavis made his way down the path, Crest with a smile cantered by on his way to his office, and even the twin pegasi brothers who worked on the weather team, their names oddly escaped Barrett. Barrett shrugged and started off for Sugarcube Corner.

“I probably just missed the rush is all,” he paused for a second, as he peered out of the side of his vision. It was only for a second, but he thought he saw the black blot again. The blot still on the back of his mind he continued on toward his destination.

Sugarcube Corner was as busy as usual, which Barrett thought contrasted the empty streets a bit. He’d only made it two steps in before he found himself ensnared in a tight embrace.

“Morning Bare-Bare,” Barry said his face buried in Barrett’s shirt. The human rolled his eyes as he waited for the bubbly stallion to come up for air. It took longer than he’d expected but shorter than he’d feared. Barrett met the brilliant blue eyes of his least and most favorite baker.

“Morning to you too,” Barrett gave the stallion a gentle pat on the head. Berry grinned full and before he knew what happened Barrett found himself in a chair at a table in the direct center of the sweets shop.

“So, what can I get you today, huh?” Barry asked a pencil and pad in hoof.

“Actually I kinda wanted to talk about a party I’m planning,” Barrett said clapping both hands together.

Barry let out a gasp, jittered in place and nodded. It was like watching someone have a stroke while sugar high, as in awkward and distressing. “Oo, oo, what kinda party, birthday, anniversary, big party, small party, admitting you want to date a pink baker pony party, a welcome party, a goodbye party, huh huh, what’s the party?” The longer Barry spoke, the dizzier his companion got.

Barrett reached across the table and held the pony by the shoulders to the best of his ability. His arms jittering slightly as he resisted the physics-defying baker with all his might. “A thank you, a freakin thank you party,” Barrett yelled as Barry babbled on.

“Oh, okay,” Barry stopped shaking, a calm smile on his face, Barrett’s arms so far behind they continued to vibrate as he withdrew them. “For who?”

Barrett sat on his hands and looked back up and into Barry’s giant blue eyes. “Applejack, and Dusk, to a lesser degree. You know for getting my house all fixed up.”

“Oh right. I totally forgot Dusk and Barb burned your cozy little home to the ground,” Barry burst into a fit of giggles.

“Yeah, that,” Barrett's arms restabilized snapped his fingers at the snickering stallion. “So, up for helping me?”

Barry beamed and blew a raspberry. “Are you kidding, parties are what I do Barre-boo. Just leave it to your loving friend Barry, I’ve got this.”

“Great, so, what should I do?” Barrett asked.

“Well, it’s Thursday, so why don’t you invite the guests of honor for Saturday, and I’ll get everything prepped and ready,” Barry through up his hooves and waved within an excited flurry.

“You sure?”

Barry nodded and pulled Barrett into a side hug. “Yepperoni, anything for my silly little human.”

Barrett rolled his eyes and stood. He took about two steps before turning on his heel to a still smiling Barry. “Actually, I have one more question.”

Barry hopped to Barrett’s side nudged him. “Do tell.”

Barrett folded his arms and tapped his fingers rhythmically against his upper arm. “Have you noticed anything weird today?”

“Weird how, like banana cream in a blackberry tart, or like chocolate rain, or-or, how about aliens being thrown into our world via unexplained portals.” Barry had taken to jumping about wildly, zipping from one side of Barrett to the other as he made suggestions.

Barrett grabbed Barry out of the air and focused the stallion’s bright eyes on his own. “No like, the fact the entire town seems eerily quiet and empty today. Or the fact I swear I keep seeing weird blobs in the corner of my eye. That kind of weird.”

Barry resorted to a series of faces and hums as he scratched idly at the back of his neck. A solid minute passed before the Barry refocused on Barrett. “Nope, that sounds pretty silly Barrett. Oo, oo, is this a prank, or are you pitching a scary story idea?” Barry asked with a gasp.

“No Barry, nevermind. Oh, and thanks for the help,” Barrett offered a pat on the head and simple wave. “I guess I’ll see you Saturday.”

Barry waved and blew a few kisses as Barrett returned to the streets outside. He took a quick glance down both sides of the road. The streets were bustling with ponies. He rubbed a hand over his eyes and readjusted his glasses. He then took the glasses off examined them a bit and replaced them on his nose.

He chuckled to himself and trotted off toward the closer domicile of his duo of party guests. The humble tree home of a crazed magical librarian. “You’re losing it, Biggs, you’re losing it.”

---

Barrett stood at the door to the local library and readied a hand to knock. He stopped himself and opened the door, strolling in. It may be Dusk’s home, but it was also a public space, screw knocking. The library, like most other times Barrett had found himself in the hub of knowledge, was nearly empty. He couldn’t help but wonder if anyone besides Dusk and occasionally Blitz even knew how to read in the strange little town he called home.

“Dusk, you home?” Barrett called into the domain of literature. The sound of scrabbling hooves on wood and breathless mumbles had Barrett countdown from three.

“3,” The sound of something breakable falling upstairs followed by a groan.

“2,” The sound of a door being flung open and a certain sassy lizard yelling at her guardian.

“1,” The district pop of magic, that lead to the unprepared rush of Dusk Shine appearing a bit too close to Barrett for his liking. The memory of ‘The Fly’ running through his mind as he took a giant step back.

“You are the beacon for clockwork habits and predictable outcomes, my friend,” Barrett said with a faux posh accent. Dusk huffed as he tried to tidy his mane, which had been frazzled in his pursuit to join his guest.

“Good morning to you too,” Dusk returned his hair at least marginally under control.

“A weird day, that’s for sure,” Barrett offered.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I swear there was something bizarre happening this morning, like half of Ponyville’s, well, ponies just vanished for a while.” Barrett flicked a finger at the door. “But, the second I pointed it out, poof, everything was back to normal.”

“Are you sure you didn’t just miss the morning traffic, or maybe you were just too caught up in your own thoughts. Trust me, I’ve had that happen a couple times,” Dusk blushed and smiled wryly as he looked back on his own past.

“Try like a million,” Barb said as she jogged down the stairs. She offered a cheeky grin to Dusk and a leer that could wilt daisies to Barrett. “Nark.”

“Barb, be nice,” Dusk chided as the young dragoness made her way to the kitchen without another word.

“Anyway,” Barrett said trying to salvage the conversation. “I thought the same, but then I kept seeing this weird thing out of the corner of my eye.”

“Weird thing?” Dusk asked moving a bit closer, eyes sparkling.

“Yeah, like a black blob that was always just out the corner of my eye. I asked Barry about it, and he thought I was crazy,” Barrett said and shrugged.

“Perhaps an issue with your eyes, or glasses?” Dusk asked levitating said glasses from their perch and giving them a once over.

“Again, maybe, but the second all the ponies were back, the blob was gone. It’s just strange is all.”

Dusk finished with the glasses returned them from whence they came. “That is peculiar. Though with no solid evidence or pattern I really wouldn’t know what to make of it. I would suggest waiting and seeing if it happens again. If we can prove a pattern, then finding the source will be far easier.”

Fair enough, oh right, before I forget. Are you busy Saturday afternoon?”

Dusk blanched and stared up at the human. “Busy? I don’t think so, why?” Dusk felt his heart skip a beat.

“Cool, then maybe you’d like to join me at Sugarcube corner?” Barrett asked with a smirk. He felt a certain satisfaction in being able to use these ponies impeccable obsession with him for once in his own favor.

“Yes, yesyesyesyes,” Dusk shouted, with a dopey grin.

“Great, then I’ll see you, say one-ish?” Barrett received an energetic nod. “Oh, and I’ll let you know if I see the blot thing again.”

“Please do,” Dusk replied with a surprising level of calm after his joyous response a moment ago. “It wouldn’t be right for me to turn a blind eye to something odd, especially after all I’ve been through in Ponyville.”

Barrett nodded. “Agreed, odd is odd, I’ll keep you posted.” Barrett offered a fist. To which Dusk ducked under and sniped a quick hug instead. Barrett shook his head and gave the unicorn this one. A fair trade for taking his odd morning serious.

Barrett gave a wave as he walked back into the midday sun. He peered into the corner of his vision, to reveal nothing in particular. “Maybe it was all in my head.” He thought aloud. With a roll of his shoulders and a deep breath he made his way back into town, there were still others to invite to his party. Barrett waved at a passing Toffee, who waved back.

Barrett passed the local cafe, where a group of giggling mares was enjoying a nice lunch. Barrett felt his stomach gurgle as he regretted not getting something while talking to Barry. One of life’s many mistakes, nothing new for Barrett Biggs. Barrett stopped as his mind connected a couple dots. The gaggle of mares. Barrett turned back, to see Toffee happily conversing with the others. Barrett pointed a finger to the mare in question and followed it back down the street. “How did she?” Barrett asked as he scanned the street before him.

Barrett let out a heavy sigh, shook his head in his hands and started the walk back toward Sweet Apple Acres. “Nope, not my problem, not today.”

Author's Notes:

That last line: Me every time i wake up in the morning and think about life

CH14: Without a Leg to Stand On

Another day another bout of insane pony antics. Barrett leered throughout the town square. Ponies here, ponies there, no strange blots of nothing in sight. He let out a snort and sipped at the coffee he’d bought moments before. It was in this small joy he recounted the strange reality that was yesterday. The world felt so empty and very, very horror filmy.

“I wonder if the comics are canon? I mean, I never really read em’ so, who knows if this, or that--” Barrett scanned the periphery of his vision for anything strange. “--thing, is part of it?”

Barrett had little time to dwell on these ponderings. For, in an act of Solaris’ brilliant divinity, a sudden impact wrought forth pain aplenty into the unprepared side of the reflecting human.

“Scoots, watch where you’re-,” the sound of a familiar accent followed the throbbing pain in Barrett’s legs and the searing pain of splashed coffee over his face. “Oh, never mind.”

Barrett shifted from his sprawled position on his side and was met with orange fur. “Barrett, dude, I’m so sorry,” Scootaroll said as he jumped from his perch, a perch where his hooves had been stabbing hard into Barrett’s oh so precious ribs.

“How the heck did that even happen?” Barrett asked as he rubbed his side. Barrett looked over at the CMC, Silver Bell having joined as he regained his wits. “Like, why are ponies light enough to stand on clouds, but strong enough that a kid can knock my ass to the ground?”

“Barrett dear, mind your tongue. There are children present, as you know,” Barrett felt the sudden rush of magic over his body as he was pulled from the ground and plopped squarely back on his feet.

“Lucy?” Barrett said force strained as the sudden weight on his injured knee sent a shock down his side. “Please for the love of everything decent, don’t magic me like that,” This was followed swiftly by the sudden buckle of Barrett’s leg and a hiss of pain.

“Barrett,” Silver Bell ran to the human’s side, with a whimper. Barrett, if he’d not been in pain would have as always when dealing with the foals of this world had a miniature heart attack and then patted the worried colt and shrugged off the incident.

“You gonna be okay, Barr, that was a pretty solid hit, Scoots landed,: Apple Buck nudging his guilty friend forward.

“Yeah, okay,” the pegasus growled back at Buck whose gaze only steeled further. Scootaroll walked forward slowly and sat next to his still fretting friend. Silver Bell had taken to doing a look about over the kneeling human, insistent on finding any broken bones. “I’m sorry I tackled you, I wasn’t looking where I was going, we cool?” Scoots asked. Barrett held back a laugh as the tough little colt tried so hard to look nonchalant. All the while his eyes glistening as he stared up at Barrett.

Barrett managed to hold back his laughing fit and instead took to a single pat atop the colt’s head. “It’s all good,” Barrett reassured trying to rise only to quickly regret his choice and fall back to one knee.

“Barrett, while it’s nice to see you not holding an accident against, a mischievous little colt,” Elusive added with a disappointed scowl at the colt’s in question. “I do believe you might need an ice pack or bandage.”

“No really,” Barrett said only to catch the same disappointed scowl Elusive had worn a moment ago with the CMC.

Elusive sidled up beside the human and offered his side as a crutch. “I won’t hear another word. I can’t have my precious human getting hurt and simply do nothing.”

“Seriously Lucy--” Barrett said as he pressed a hand over his friend’s side. He didn’t get to finish the thought before the familiar tingle of magic covered his mouth.

“Not another word. I will nurse you back to health myself if I must. I won’t allow you to harm yourself for something as silly as pride. You are my light, and I shall see you shine once more,” Lucy finished his declaration with an elegant wave and wink.

Barrett smiled and shrugged. After all, not one more word right. He thought as he hobbled along the street toward to the humble, if one can call it that, the abode of the dramatic tailor. The CMC had fallen into line in front of the pair.

“Ooo, maybe we can get our Cutie Marks in Human healing,” Silver suggested. The other colts adding other possible outcomes as they trotted along. Barrett for his part simply let his mind wander. It could be worse, sure Elusive was a bit much at times, and the ‘light’ comment earlier was a bit much, but, he meant well.

The walk to Carousel Boutique was a short one, only made longer by the hobbling of a crippled human and the fussing of his rather doting crutch. The nest of fabrics and high fashion was just as Barrett recalled it. The front room scattered with ponequins, dresses, vests, jackets, and accessories adorned each, with several bare or covered in materials.

Barrett had thought that being male would have hosted more apparent changes in Elusive and Rarity, but nope, they were the same, overly dramatic, fashionista, with a pension for fine crafts and high society. Barrett recalled the day he’d met Lucy, and thought the same thing back then.

“Now then,” the stallion in question said. “You sit yourself down right there,” Elusive pointed to the famous ‘fainting’ couch that sat in the corner of the room. The irony being, that out of the differences between the two variants of Elusive, the other Rarity, Elusive did not and to Barrett’s knowledge never once fainted in any of the escapades the Elements had been on. “And, I’ll get you an ice pack,” with that the stallion sauntered off and was instead replaced with three smiling colts.

“So, what exactly were you three doing, that had you so preoccupied?” Barrett asked. The smile of Scootaroll wavering just a bit as he let out an embarrassed chuckle.

“Oh, well we’re sleepin’ over with Silver, and we were gonna do some real intense crusadin’.” Apple Buck said with a grin.

“Yeah, it’s gonna be awesome,” Silver added jumping about his friends. “Of course we’ll wait till your all fixed up first,” Silver added when he finished his hopping circuit.

“Be that as it may, Silver Bell, I believe I can handle Barrett. Why don’t you three go upstairs and plot your next Cutie Mark scheme or whatnot,” Elusive said rejoining the group, an ice pack hovering beside him. He offered the CMC a smile and shooed them away.

“Are ya sure, I mean, I did trip him,” Scootaroll said. He reached for the ice pack only for Elusive to pull it out of reach.

Elusive shook his head and waved them off again. “That’s quite alright, you apologized and took responsibility for the accident. I can more than handle clean-up. You boys only have so much daylight to burn, after all.”

The colts turned to Barrett who sat watching the exchanged. “Don’t look at me, those Cutie Marks aren’t gonna find themselves.”

The three colts beamed up at Barrett before shouting thank you and racing upstairs. “Heh, those three have way too much energy,” Barrett said turning to Elusive who’de taken to watching his brother and friend’s storming up the stairs.

Elusive nodded and floated the ice pack over to Barrett. “True, though they have good hearts and intentions. Even if, they sometimes overthink things.”

Barrett sighed as the cool package settled on his throbbing patella. “Agreed, oh right,” Barrett snapped as he remembered his plans the following day. “You free tomorrow?”

Elusive raised a brow, a very ungentle-colt like glint in his eye. “Perhaps, did you have something in mind?” the stallion stepped closer to Barrett, a hoof laying gently on Barrett’s uninjured leg.

Barrett coughed and slid further back on the couch. “Well, I’m kinda hosting a party for AJ and Dusk, you know for fixing my house and all.”

Elusive’s grin wilted, and he moved back a bit, withdrawing his hoof. “Oh, yes, I believe Barry mentioned that this morning. I would be happy to join you,” Elusive coughed and looked off to the side. “Though a more private affair would have been nice,” he muttered under his breath.

“Lucy?”

“I said I’d have to bring the Crusaders then,” Elusive said a bit louder than needed. He offered a flashy smile and nodded.

“Oh, yeah okay,” Barrett said as he leaned back into the plush and tucked an arm behind his head. “Well, at least the party will be lively.”

“A bit too lively,” Elusive said with a pout.

“Speaking of lively, you haven’t noticed anything, strange lately have you?”

Elusive’s brow rose as he thought through the last few days. “I don’t suppose you could be more specific?”

“Well, ya see, the other day, I kinda swore that half the town went missing and there was some sort of black blob following me around,” Barrett raised a hand to the ceiling and traced a circle as he recounted the events.

“Well, that certainly is strange,” Elusive shrugged. “I can’t speak for the missing townsfolk, but I can certainly believe ponies would follow you about,” Elusive jumped onto the couch beside Barrett. “I would dare say, too assume you didn’t have dozens of suitors would be ludicrous. Even if they aren’t worthy of such affections,” he continued inching closer toward Barrett, whom could do little to evade the disregard for personal space so long as his knee was bruised.

“That’s uh, a nice sentiment I guess,” Barrett offered with a humorless laugh. “Though, I don’t think whatever this blob is, is a secret admirer. It’s honestly got me a little on edge.”

Elusive’s predatory grin returned as he nestled himself against Barrett. “Well, pardon me if I’m overstepping my bounds, but, I can think of a few ways to take the edge off,” Elusive said a hoof resting on Barrett’s chest.

Barrett pulled at his collar, the room suddenly quite a bit warmer. “Yeah, erm, I don’t think I need any help there.”

Elusive pouted once more, eyes locked on Barrett’s. “Are you sure?”

“Lucy, me and the guys are going out,” Silver yelled as he ran down the stairs. Elusive broke his stare and retreated a few inches from his snuggle with Barrett and blushed.

The CMC came bounding into the room laughing and jumping and otherwise being the overly excited children they were. Barrett let out a breath he’d swore he’d taken and smiled at the colts.

“Actually, that’s probably a good idea, I should really get home too,” Barrett agreed pulling himself from his seat and dropping the ice pack where’d he been. He winced a bit as the sudden pressure on his injured limb set a wave of pain through his leg, though weaker than before.

“Darling, are you sure you can walk in your condition?” Elusive asked.

“It’s not that far, and then I can just relax until tomorrow, it’ll be fine. I promise,” Barrett nodded as he limped toward the door. Apple Buck threw the door open for his friends and held it for the hobbling human.

“If you say so,” Elusive said, picking up the ice pack and watching his dearest as he thanked Buck for his politeness. The door closed, and Elusive tossed the ice pack across the room. “Stupid Lucy, really stupid. You lost yourself to your desires, like a wild animal. No wonder, mon amore fled, you foolish stallion.” Elusive laid across the couch and stared blankly across the room, where the ice pack sat tucked between the back legs of a ponequin.

---

Barrett may or may not have acted too quickly. He grit his teeth with every limping step he took. “Damn, seriously, these ponies and their crazy biology is gonna be the death of me I swear,” Barrett muttered to himself as the road seemed to stretch on endlessly. Would his misery ever cease, would he ever just have a normal day again? The sudden rush of a shapeless mass behind him begged to retort. He barely saw it out of the corner of his eye. Barrett felt his knuckles whiten as he balled his fists.

He felt the hairs on the back of his neck stiffen. He pushed down harder on his uninjured leg, foot pivoted hard into the packed earth beneath him. The blob was moving, it was faster than Barrett had thought. He took a deep breath and twisted on his one good foot Eyes pinpricks he threw a punch with all his might at the incoming blob. The fist met no resistance as it hung in the open air. The position where the blob had been was empty space, the road beyond bare as well.

Barrett hadn’t noticed in his dash home, to prop up his leg, but the roads seemed, almost as empty as the day before. He blinked, eyes darting around the way and back over his shoulder. His shoulders bared, teeth gnashing as the empty street was hung in a tense silence. The throbbing in Barrett’s ears was the only sound he could make out in the ghost town.

A sudden rustle behind him was all he needed before he whipped around, a fist lashing out with all he could muster. “Whoa,” a voice called as the new arrival managed to flee to the side and away from the attack. “Geez Biggs, this for the shiner a while ago?” Barrett blinked, the world returning to focus.

Rainbow Blitz looked down at Barrett his hooves held out in surrender, a cheeky smirk on full display. “You okay?” he asked the huffing human.

Barrett looked up at Blitz his eyes trying to compute the victim of his paranoid assault. He lowered his arms and hissed when he straightened himself and leaned a bit too hard on his swollen knee.

“Biggs?” Blitz asked as Barrett’s leg shook violently. Blitz landed and peered down at the shaking limb. “What happened?” Blitz’ words were measured, but the sudden intensity in his eye caught Barrett off guard. Blitz was in Barrett’s face faster than he could perceive. The daredevil, high flying ace of Ponyville had his hooves clamped firmly on Barrett’s cheeks as he peered solely into Barrett’s eyes.

“I uh, fell?”Barrett offered. Blitz’ eyes narrowed as he continued his stare.

“Nope, try again,” Blitz recalled his limbs and pointed down to the leg in question. “I’ve taken more than my fair share of spills. Unless you were jumping off rooftops today, that kind of swelling takes more than a common fall,”

Barrett sighed as the apparent fact that Blitz had far too much experience getting banged up meant he wasn’t going to buy what Barrett was selling. “I fell when the CMC came barreling down the street earlier,” Barrett confessed.

Blitz nodded solemnly. “Right, then I guess I have some colts to find,” he said as he lifted off the ground with a single might flap of his wings.

Wait,” Barrett said before Blitz could get too far. “They already got scolded and apologized. They were with Elusive when they tackled me,” Barrett took the liberty of not singling out Scoots and the accident. The kid didn’t need a tongue lashing from his idol over something like this.

Blitz hovered in the air for a few more seconds in an internal debate between his need to correct the situation and the fact it had already been fixed. “Fine,” he conceded and joined Barrett back on the ground. “So, that explains the leg, but wait about the punch?”

Barrett let out an embarrassed chuckle and adjusted his glasses. “Right sorry about that,” Barrett paused and recounted the blob. “Wait, was that you trailing me earlier. Like yesterday and a minute ago?” Barrett asked taking an unsteady step toward the pegasus.

Blitz blinked and scratched the side of his head. “Biggs, what are you talking about?” Barrett rolled his eyes and recounted both the scene from yesterday and the one only moments before. The story ended with Barrett pouting and Blitz on his back in a fit of laughter. Between his humor, Blitz managed to respond to Barrett’s question. “You actually think I need to stalk you when have I ever not been upfront with you?”

Barrett opened his mouth and realized he had no retort. He felt his eyes cross as he thought back through all his times around Blitz. Barrett found that as annoying as Blitz’ blunt confrontations could be, Blitz never let things fester, or at least not often. Barrett cracked a smile as he recalled the scene with AJ back at the farm.

“Fair enough,” Barrett finally said as he tried to hobble forward.

“Nope,” Blitz stopped Barrett with a hoof. “You shouldn't be walking on that,” Blitz said pointing to Barrett’s leg.

“Then how will I--” Barrett was cut off as he suddenly found himself no longer on the ground. In a blur, he’d been placed firmly on the back of Blitz who looked back over his shoulder with a massive grin.

“I got your back,” Blitz said. “And I always will,” he added as he looked away, a pink line sketched from cheek to cheek, the pink thickest across his muzzle.

“Uh, thanks,” Barrett added lamely. The two moved in silence as Blitz made his way toward Barrett’s home.

It wasn’t long however before Blitz’ mind went back to the story Barrett had told. “So, any idea what these weird black things are?” Blitz didn't give him companion a chance to answer before another question was presented. “Also, now that you mention it, Ponyville has felt a bit...off today,” Blitz pointed around the street, which was eerily silent.

“Yeah, not really sure on either account. /The town was empty like this yesterday too, and then” Barrett waved his hands fingers fidgeting back and forth. “It was normal, just like out of nowhere, like nothing had happened.”

Blitz hummed. “And the blob thing?” he asked.

“Dusk said he’d look into it, but, this was the first time it ever seemed like it was moving. Creepy, no matter how you slice it.”

“Yeah,” Blitz agreed as the ride came to an end. Blitz stood in front of Barrett’s humble home and let the human dismount him. A feat which rekindled Blitz’ earlier pink streak.

“Hey Blitz, I appreciate the ride. It was nice, kinda reminded me of home,” Barrett said patting Blitz’ side as he smiled at the now flushed stallion. “Oh right, before I forget. There’s a party tomorrow at Sugarcube Corner, you free?”

Blitz a dopey smile glued to his muzzle, face verging on Red Gala, nodded mindlessly. Barrett offered one more pat before he managed a hop to his door.

“Great, I’ll see ya there,” Barrett added a wave before shambling into his home.

Blitz nodded again. “Yeah, see ya then,” Blitz pulled himself into the air. “I love you,” he mouthed wordlessly. He sighed at the already closed door and flew away, the tinges of a blush and tingles on his back fresh from his jaunt with Barrett still fresh on his mind.

Author's Notes:

U all gay for reading this. Badgers are gay for writing it. I'm a wet noodle for writing a chapter of my own in my free time instead of drawing.

It involves Best Prince... if you must know.

CH15: That’s a Party Foul

Berry hummed happily as he topped a nifty little party hat atop Barrett’s head. The yellow and pink cone with a light blue tassel sat idly on the human’s dome, and he rested chin in hand eyes peering out the Sugarcube window and into the merry little streets beyond.

“Oooo, this is gonna be sooo much fun, are you excited, Barecoot? I’m excited, we can dance, and sing and play spin the bottle.” Berry danced about the despondent human, adding a brow wiggle at the last suggestion.

“Uh-huh, okay, yeah Berry,” Barrett said, eyes never moving from their look out into the streets beyond. The plucky baker stopped his incessant bouncing and eyed his human friend with a deep scowl and a hoof scratching his chin, then two, then three. It was at this point, Berry noticed his folly and fell to his rump.

“So, whatcha looking for?” Berry asked, throwing himself on Barrett’s back and setting his head on his friend’s shoulder. “Are you looking for early birds, cause we have almost an hour before party time?”

Barrett ill-prepared for the positively plump poundage of the positive proponent of pleasant parties stuck to his back quickly found himself toppled forward in his seat, the party hat he’d had settled on his head meeting an untimely meeting with the floor. “Berry, why?” the human asked as he struggled under the giggling pony in question.

Berry offered a fit of giggles and nuzzled the body beneath him. “Sorry, you were just so lost in thought, I thought I’d get lost on you.”

“Seems like you two are having fun?” the sudden interjection of a precocious, predictably pre-punctual, purple, prodigy pondered as he entered the bakery. Dusk Shine attempted to hide a smirk as he floated the floored duo to their feet. “I thought it would be smart to preempt any of Berry’s more, blunt plots.”

“Sorry to say, you failed,” Barrett said as he rubbed a hand over his lower back. “First a sprained leg, now a bruised coccyx. Just my luck, huh?”

“It was just a hug, Dusk, nothing naughty. Though, I could always,” Berry plastered his body against Barrett’s side. “If you want?” Berry blew a couple kisses at his target. Who pushed the pony from his position and offered a blanched look at Dusk.

“Berry, that won’t work,” dusk said with a stern waggle of his hoof. Barrett nodded in agreement. “You have to work up to kissing, especially at a party. Some ponies are a lot less comfortable with public displays of affection.” Barrett’s approval quickly reversed, and he held up his hands, head shaking like a bobblehead. “Which I believe is where I’ve been going wrong with my precious little Barrett.” It was then that the thoroughly red human realized he was the only one living in reality and planted a hand firmly into his face. To which he mouthed a pained string of curses in a bout of annoyance and regret.

“For the love of all that is decent, someone, please end me,” Barrett whined as he found his way to the nearest chair. “Why me?”

“But you planned this party, silly,” Berry offered a gentle boop to Barrett’s nose and smiled merrily at the human. Who, because ponies were witches and apparently had the magic power to make human’s bend to their cuteness, smiled back.

“And I dare say, it looks to be quite the soirée indeed,” a fourth voice added. Elusive along with the class three hurricane disguised as a trio of excitable colts joined the growing collective. “I hope your leg is doing better, mon ami,” Elusive added with a weak smile, and a glance over at the CMC, who’d already taken to inspecting the snack table.

“A little stiff and sore, but I’ll live,” Barrett responded with a gentle pat to the perturbed patella.

“Barrett, oh gosh, what happened to your leg, are you okay? Do you want me to take a look? I might know a spell that could help,” Dusk rambled as Barrett found himself being fussed over by the unicorn, who seemed on the verge of tears as he nuzzled the human softly.

“Berry?”

“Yes, Bare-Bear?”

“How long was that?”

“Three minutes, seven seconds,”

Barrett planted a firm hand over dusk’s mane and gave it a solid noogie. “Three minutes and you already went all hoofsy. So much for trying to warm up to cuddling,” Barrett’s words had only just left his mouth before Dusk stiffened, removed himself from Barrett’s personage and blushed so hard one might think his blood was a boil.

“Right, yes I’m sorry, but you’re hurt and I just,” Dusk fumbled for words as he stared at the ground.

“Now now, darling, there is nothing wrong with doting on your stallion.” Dusk’s ears flickered as he looked up from the ground. “That’s why you should leave poor little Barrett to me.” Elusive flashed a broad smile and patted Dusk on his shoulder.

Dusk for his part battled the hof away and marched over to the spot to Barrett’s immediate left. “I will protect my stallion just fine, thank you very much.”

“Oh, great, I didn’t realize I was property, gee whiz,” Barrett said, throwing a finger in the air and painting little circles in celebration.

“Yeah, Biggs is nopony’s property,” Rainbow Blitz in all his saving-Barrett-from-certain-enslavement glory stood wings flared in the doorway. “He’s my partner. So back off.”

Barrett had come to expect jokes and jibes, flirtatious looks and pick-up lines from the ponies he kinda considered his friends. But, he’d be damned if they were gonna treat him like a freaking lamp to just trade around.

“Darling, Blitz I consider you a close friend, so please don’t take this the wrong way. But why in heavens would Barrett pick someone who gave him a black eye over nothing?” Elusive asked with a sly grin.

“That coming from the guy who nearly got his leg broken, by not watching the CMC,” Blitz yelled back, as he shook in place.

“What in the hay did I just walk into?” Applejack asked as he pushed passed the fuming Blitz. A very uncertain Butterscotch following behind. It was at that moment that for the briefest moment the entire room froze.

Butterscotch was good at blending in, standing in a crowded room and being as overlooked as a chair. That skill, however, was crushed under the weight of the poor pony's attire. It wasn’t complicated or as dazzling as last time, but Barrett still felt his mind and heart skip a beat as the timid pegasus stood hoof scraping the ground face hidden partially under his mane as all eyes, except those of the stalwart farmer he’d arrived with pierced into the light green dress he wore. The fabric was thin and flowing, the trim laced with simple flowers and a sash held the middle tight against his small frame.

“I’m sorry,” Butterscotch muttered under his breath. “Angelica said I should be bold if I want to win my stallion,” Barrett felt his cheeks burn but as too the cause, shock, embarrassment or adoration that Scotch would make himself the face of the party for his notice, he wasn’t sure.

“Well, Butterscotch dear, it’s a rather elegant ensemble, it that means anything,” Elusive seemed to be stuck in a similar situation as he eyed up the dress, his gaze never meeting the awkward glances of the dress’ occupant.

“Oooo, it’s sooo pretty Scotchy,” Berry added as he bounded over and pulled his friend into a mighty embrace. “I’m just sorry you had to get all embarrassed over something like that,” Berry’s smile grew as he pulled the perplexed gaze of his pegasus companion to arms length. “I mean, Barrett’s totally my special somepony.”

Applejack pulled the now glaring Butterscotch from the arms of the beaming baker. “Hey, now don’t go claimin’ ownership of someone without their permission.”

Barrett let out a sigh of relief. “Good at least someone still has a shred of sanity.” Barrett wiped a hand over his forehead, a dull thump has settled behind his eyes, and he could feel the tells of a migraine tapping at the edges of his mind. Or, maybe that was an aneurysm, he wasn’t entirely sure at the moment.

“Says the guy who won’t even admit he likes Biggs,” Blitz said with a jab into the dutiful farmers' side. “Or did you think all of us missed the way to stare at him,” Blitz added another jab and a grin.

AJ’s face lit up like a forest fire faster than a sonic rainboom. In the same instant, his brow collided with the antagonistic speedster’s. “How I pursue the folk I do or do not like is up to me, partner. So, I suggest you back off.”

Barrett’s eyes flicked between the arguing mass of stallions. Blitz and AJ were locked in a brutal case of unstoppable force and immovable object as they swapped barbs and butts of the head variety.

Butterscotch at the moment the two more actively inclined stallions had started their battle of wits, had taken the opportunity to return fire at the perky pink pony who dismissed him moments ago.

“So what, you think if you ask enough, Barrett might get annoyed enough to like you?” Butterscotch planted a hoof firmly against Berry’s chest. “At least I don’t go around ruining his meals and try to sabotage his friendships.” Berry was left speechless as he stared into the deep infinite gaze of Butterscotch’s patent-pending Stare.

The thump in the back of Barrett’s head redoubled. He could feel his blood start to curdle as he watched the party turned battleground. He wasn’t the only one, as the CMC, had been left in shocked silence behind him. Barrett stood and silently marched to the colts who looked up at him in confusion. Barrett knelt down and placed a hand atop two of the colt’s heads. He offered a small, wary smile as the trinity before him, provided unsure looks of their own.

“A’ve never seen em’ so mad at each other,” Buck whispered, he’d taken to hiding as much of his face as he could behind his favorite bandanna.

“This is so not cool,” Scootaroll agreed pulling a sniffling Silver Bell to his side.

The sound of Elusive balking drew Barrett’s attention back to the war zone behind him. “Please, I may have let the children get a bit too rowdy, but who was it again who burned down Barrett’s home again?” Elusive asked a fuming Dusk Shine.

“I made a mistake, Barrett forgave me, I learned from that,” Dusk grimaced. “Lapse in judgment.”

“Oh yes, because paying for what you broke is so heroic,” Elusive responded with a stomp. “I’m surprised Barrett didn’t file for a restraining order.”

Dusk’s tears hit the ground before he realized he’d started crying. “H-he’d never do that,” Dusk whispered as he wiped away tears. Elusive fell back onto his haunches jaw slack, he attempted to reach out only to drop his leg back limply. “He’d never do that to me!” Dusk yelled. The room fell silent. The other bickering stallions being pulled from their own heated talks to the now sobbing Dusk, who’d turned to the kneeling Barrett. “Would you?”

Barrett felt numb. His body convulsed with muscles he didn’t realize could spasm. The human slowly stood, his eyes steeled, a smoldering blaze in a furnace overflowing with fuel. He bit his lower lip as he scanned the stallions in the room, and let his gaze settle on the banner that hung in the center of the room. The banner was simple, a white canvas with thick yellow text: “Thanks for Making This World My Home.” Barrett had written it himself. For all the stupidity and insanity of this world, he’d thought there was no place he’d rather be anymore. That was then, now, now, however, he wondered if he meant that.

“That’s enough, I’m done here,” Barrett’s voice was barely above a whisper, but the words traveled with more than enough weight to drain the light from the room. The stallions who only a moment ago stood bickering over who deserved what now stood in shocked silence. It was like time itself froze the room whole. “I’ve had enough of this mindless stupidity.” Barrett clapped his hands together. “Congrats, you all lost. You played yourselves, and we,” Barrett stepped aside to the completely sullen trio of colts. “Weren’t even players.”

Barrett strode across the room, each footfall resonated like the tides against the cliffs. “Wait, please,” Barrett halted meters from the door and looked back over his shoulder. “Please Barrett, I’m, I’m sorry,” Dusk hoof stretched out vainly, eyes still dripping with tears gazed at the human.

“He’s right, I was a mite foolish and stupid,” Applejack said hat held in a hoof as he gazed at the floor in front of Barrett.

Barrett crossed his arms, his face was stoic, jaw set his fingers tapped hard against his arms.

“Scotchy,” Berry let out a wail as he pulled the pegasus into a tight embrace. “I’m so sorry, I was such a meanie mcselfish pants.” Scotch only hesitated a second before returning his friends hug. “And your dress is soooo cute,” Berry added with another sniffle.

“We really did buck this up, we didn’t just lose, we broke both wings before the startline,” Blitz said eyes frozen on the likes of the CMC who sat idly by watching as the adults prattled on. “Squirt, I’m sorry,” Blitz watched as Scootaroll, Silver still crying softly shook his head and pulled his sobbing friend closer.

“I think, we’re all sorry, I think, perhaps, more than the children or each other, we owe Barrett an apology more than anypony,” Elusive said as he rubbed a hoof over the somber Dusk Shine who nodded along.

Applejack stomped the floor his hat crushed in one hoof. “We treated ya like you weren’t even here.”

“We were all so selfish,” Butterscotch said from his place inside Berry’s firm embrace.

“We just wanted you to feel like we do,” Dusk Shine said. His cheeks were stained, but the tears had stopped. “But all we did was push you farther away.”

“How?” Barrett asked the group. The six looked blankly at him, the question hanging in the air. “How did you think, how did you think this would end?” Barrett yelled fists at his sides, his teeth set in a feral glower.

The group gave mumbled partial answers. The human snorted a mirthless laugh. “I’ll tell you how, in the best case scenario, I picked one of you and broke six other hearts.” Barrett raised both hands wide and gestured to the room. “Is that what you wanted, would the winner feel satisfied humiliating and crushing the hope of their friends?”

The room was silent, not a single movement or word from the group. “Worst case, I reject you all. Do you think any of you even deserve my love, hell, do any of you deserve my fucking friendship?” The stallions shrank back. Those who weren’t or hadn't cried looked on the verge of tears. “I tell you I’m not gay, you flirt anyway. I could tolerate that. But, it’s passed flirting, way past flirting. Most of you have tried things that would have broken a lesser man, or driven them away.” Barrett pointed at the ground beneath him. “But for whatever reason, I stayed. I gave you more chances than most of you probably deserve.” The fire had left Barrett's eyes. He felt drained, he pulled his glasses from their perch and rubbed a hand over his face. “Even if I was gay, can any of you honestly say you deserve what you want?”

Barrett dropped his hand from his face and peered out into the group of crying, shaking voiceless stallions. He looked over the stunned colts and back. “I can’t say I get the whole magic of Love thing, but I did learn one thing from the wedding.” Barrett sighed heavily. “Ponies love completely and honestly, maybe too much so. I know all of you are better than this. You were my friends, heck, you were my family. I get thrown into a new world and still managed to find a place I belonged,” Barrett points to the banner. The entirety of the room follows his pointing hand. “Was I wrong? Because at this point, I don’t even know.”

Barrett turned and walked out of the bakery leaving his friends alone in the silence. He barely felt his feet on the ground. If the streets were packed or empty, it wasn't worth note. He merely walked, until he wasn’t anymore.

Barrett sat on a bench in the Ponyville park. He wasn’t sure how long he was there, but there he sat lost in his thoughts. The day replayed in his head, and the longer he dwelled in those thoughts, the sicker he felt. Barrett reached into his back pocket and pulled the same blasted Walkman that started this whole thing. “Why me, why the hell did you do this to me, you fucking piece of trash?!” Barrett yelled at the device before hurling it with all his might into the treeline.

Barrett looked up at the sky, he blinked in surprise to find the sun setting. “How long have I been sitting here?”

“Long enough it seems.” Ample Grace in all her impeccable glory stood to the side of the bench. She glanced over the dejected human. “A bit for your thoughts?”

I don’t--” Barrett was pulled handily from his seat. Ample pulled him up and onto the path before he could muster up a resistance. Barrett tapped his back pocket and silently cursed as a familiar weight sat as always.

“You will be joining me for dinner, and you will tell me everything,” Ample’s words were not to be questioned. Barrett shuddered as he braced himself for one hell of a meal.

CH16: Off Your Chest, and Out of Town

“And that sums it up, more or less,” Barrett finished his story and all the preface any not crazy pony would need to make heads or tails from it. “I mean, It’s just, too much sometimes, ya know?” Barrett sat in the early evening light, across a cafe table with the pouting visage of Ample Grace. Who on top of listening to him spill his guts, had also covered the bill. Barrett took note that his pride would never recover, that he swore, with an internal chuckle.

“I can see why, I’ve heard of love triangles and even love squares, but you Mr. Biggs,” Ample added a jab and brow wiggle. “Might have more stallion’s after you than even me.” Barrett blushed and sputtered. “But that being said,” Ample’s playful nature dropped. “It takes a strong pony to not buckle under such circumstances.”

“You think?” Barrett asked as he recovered from the mares teasing.

Ample nodded flatly and rested her forehooves on the table. “I do, seven stallions, six heroes and the last a crowned prince. Some ponies would kill to have the attention of even one of these dashing gents.”

Barrett shrugged and fidgeted with his glasses. He sighed and emulated Ample’s hoof motion, placing his hands folded atop one another on the table as well;. “Yeah maybe, but that’s the thing. I’ve told them I’m not interested. But, they just don’t get it, it doesn’t stick.”

Ample had to bite her lip to repress a giggle fit. Barrett’s brow rose as he watched the mare in her bout with humor itself. He for one didn’t see the joke, but it wouldn’t be the first time he’d missed the punchline. “I miss something?” he asked.

A minute passed as the model took to snickering behind a hoof. When she had collected herself, she slowly shook her head. “They never believed you did they? They probably made jokes at your expense about playing hard to get, right?” Ample asked her smile never waning.

“Yeah, how’d you guess that?” Barrett asked, on top of questioning if somepony was spreading rumors. Barrett made a mental note to check the last few issues of Gabby Gums, maybe the CMC had been stalking him back then.

“Because I don’t believe you either,” Ample said, her smile, not a smirk and her words as confident as a model like her should be and mostly was.

Barrett took a long deep breath and planted a fake smile on his face. “All right, fine then tell me, why doesn’t anyone believe me. Why is it soooo hard to believe I’m not gay?”

Ample Grace for all her tact and social excellence was left confused. Her ears flicked back and forth her wings ruffled, and she stared, mouth slightly agape. “Beg pardon,” she asked.

“Why is me being straight so hard to believe,” Barrett asked again.

Ample coughed lightly into one hoof, her head cocked to the side. “Barrett, I’m sorry, but what does that have to do with anything?”

Barrett power drove a hand so hard into his face he may have received a concussion from the unnecessary use of force. “Everything,” he yelled into the fading light of Solaris’ sun.

Ample pursed her lips before she nodded. “Maybe at one point. But I don’t think it does anymore, and I don’t think it has for a long time. Barrett scrunched his face and felt the thumping in the back of his head. He motioned for her to continue rubbing the fingers on one hand across the side of his head. “Let’s look at the facts shall we?”

“Fine,” Barrett said. “Enlighten me.”

“You once told me you were a chill guy. That I can concede. However, I don’t think even the most chill guy alive,” Ample added air quotes, or at least the hoof equivalent. “ could or would tolerate as much as you have, for the sake of these stallions you claim to not love.”

Barrett nearly went cross-eyed as he transcribed the words in his head. “I don’t follow.”

Ample scoffed and rolled her eyes. She took a sip from the water she’d secured during their rather long supper. “Stallions, hopeless no matter what species,” she teased. She received a daunting glare in return. “Let me ask you this. Can you name anyone who would still be friends with the stallions you are acquainted with if they had and I quote you,” Ample Grace with the glory of a goddess took the single most massive breath she’d ever contracted in the history of her life.

“Had Dusk burn down their home, had Barry constantly hitting on them and then try to destroy a perfectly good lunch with a certain pretty mare?” Ample Grace fluttered her eyelashes daintily. “Was attacked by Rainbow Blitz after refusing to hear them out? Then get lied to by the one guy they thought didn’t have a crush on them, about said crush? Had Elusive more or less molesting them every time they entered his shop? Has Butterscotch so convinced they needed to dress up like a mare to be a match that they invited them over on false pretenses to seduce them? Or and this is my favorite, have the Prince of the Moon demanding they become his personal consort, by invading their dreams? Do you truly honestly believe that anyone would put up with all that if they were anything but interested?” Ample asked before she fell face first into the table and gasped for air.

Barrett sat stunned as he ran through the list of events in his head. When you ut all those events side by side, it did seem kinda crazy that one would still be around said stallions. Barrett thought back to his life on Earth. If he’d heard something like this back then, he’d have thought the guy in his shoes was either an idiot or that there was something far more profound going on. Barrett looked out at the sleepy little road, in the sleepy little town where the sleepy little ponies were prepping for a good night’s rest. As he looked out on the denizens of Ponyville, he couldn’t help but think how simple life was for most folk, excluding the occasional monster attack.

“I mean, I don’t know. I never really thought too hard on it. Those were just the events in my life and the ponies I knew doing what they do,” Barrett’s gaze peered up and toward the grand mountain in the distance, home to Canterlot. “Maybe not, but still.” Barret trailed off as he lost his train of thought and all words simply vanished from his lips.

A hoof slammed into the table hard enough to shake the chairs and the ground beneath the duo. Ample in all her glory made even undisputed irritation look glorious. Her eyes wide, the red orbs almost glowing in the fading light of the sun. Her nostrils flared as she stood over the startled human. “Maybe what? Love is magic so pure, so unfiltered there is no maybe. Why are you so stubborn?” Ample’s voice seemed to deepen with every word, a thick, undeniable growl by questions end.

Barrett felt the release of something deep in his mind. It was an almost audible snap. He roared back at the frustrated mare with all his built un angst. His voice while nowhere near as deep, nor as graceful in the art, still bid little reinterpretation. “How would I even choose? How does one break the hearts of six, for the joy of one? Even if I magically did accept I was interested, how do I make that choice?”

Drained. Barrett slid back in his chair and covered his beet red face with his shaking hands. Ample for her part was left gawking at the aftermath. In a single instant, she’d watched one of in her opinion most relaxed souls she knew erupted like a once dormant volcano.

“I can’t say,” Ample admitted. “It’s not my place to decide that,” she rose from her chair and walked over to Barrett’s side, where she wrapped him in a wing. “But, a choice must be made, if the fighting and eccentric flirting are to end.”

Barrett leaned into the warmth of his confidant. “Yeah, I know. I may not get the Love magic thing, but I can’t argue the rest,” Barrett grumbled senselessly. “Guess this is just what happens to ole Bad Luck Biggs.”

“If being chased by seven strapping suiters is bad luck, I can’t imagine your good luck,” Ample said pulling free from Barrett’s side. “I’m glad we talked.”

Barrett nodded. “Me too. You and Harpsichord are the only two who’d listen to my crap anyhow.”

“May I make a suggestion?”

“I guess so?” Barrett stood from his chair and smiled down at his newest platonic, one of few not out to jump his bones, friends.

“Perhaps, take the night to rest and think through your feelings and our talk. Maybe, you’ll know what to do then.”

“Sleep does sound nice. Maybe I’ll talk to Harps tomorrow, get his take,” Barrett mused hand scratching the stubble he’d let grow out as of late.

“I don’t know about that, but for now,” Ample Grace wrapped Barrett in a tight embrace. An embrace that was perhaps far stronger than the dainty mare had any right to possess. As her companion found himself struggling to breathe within it. When Ample did let go, she smiled sheepishly. “Until next time,” she placed a single peck on Barrett’s cheek and started away.

Barrett smiled as he watched her go. Barrett knew one thing, no matter how gay or not, no matter Love magic or not. He would never miss the sight of Grace’s backside. “Yeah, see ya later,” Barrett called to her. With the farewell, Barrett through his hands in his pockets and started the not so long walk back to his freshly not burned home.

Barrett found himself in a mixed bag of feelings, a bag kinda like trail mix, but the only things left are the dried fruit and raisins. So, really unappetizing trail mix. Barrett strolled, or as close to strolled as he could through the early night and the empty streets of Ponyville.

Barrett tucked both arms behind his head and thought back to the Canterlot wedding and the night after. “Maybe I should ask Bolaro for tips on this magic love stuff. I should’ve paid more attention at the reception.”

A sudden chittering had the human take pause. “What the” Barrett mused as he looked about the empty street both ahead and behind himself. The chittering was joined by another, this one much shriller. “Uh hello?” Barrett had picked up his speed, and yet the sound persisted.

It was in times like these that Barrett defaulted to a human saying, a human saying that had got him through some terribly unfortunate circumstances. Eyes darted side to side as he broke into a sprint. “Fuck this shit, I’m out,” He yelled as he turned down the street that would find him at the delightfully not scary confines of his own home.

There it was, the great walls that would surely wash away the sudden creepy turn into a slasher film. The chirps and hisses had grown louder, several more octaves joining the chorus. Yet despite the sounds, there was no sight of the wielder or wielders of said noise buffet.

Yards separated Barrett from his sanctuary, mere yards until he could lock his door and tell the chirping to go fuck itself sideways. Yards that Barrett realized far too late he’d never make as a familiar blur of black amorphous nothing landed directly in front of his door. The blob finally taking form in a very smug looking Changeling, who Barrett would swear was female. Which would be fine and all, except for the fact it was built like a brick wall, and a mac truck got drunk and had a threeway with a cockroach.

It wasn’t the only one though, as a sudden prodding of the top of Barrett’s head revealed to his great distress, an entire swarm of very very smug changelings. “Oh, crap.” Barrett mouthed as he realized the impact of his reality very quickly.

“You know, the changeling that tapped Barrett said. “I’ve always found it funny how few ponies or monkey things look up when they panic.”

Barrett would have responded, as a matter of fact, he agreed completely. But, answering would need the use of his mouth, which at the moment he’d realized his fate, a second changeling had splattered a very sticky gloop across his mouth and eyes.

Then, they were upon him, he struggled arms flailing about as a sudden force collided with the back of his head, and everything went very very dark. Well, darker than the gloop had made his vision before the collision. The last thought Barrett had before fading into the darkness was very simple. He couldn’t help but wonder if reading the comics would have prepared him for this stupid, unfair kidnapping. Then he fell unconscious and was whisked into the night by a chatty bunch of love-sucking bug pseudo ponies.