• Published 19th Dec 2015
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A Stallion's Man - Spirit Shift



Life sucks when six gay stallions are after you. What's a straight human to do?

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CH4: Metal Cream Solid: Cake Eater

Before setting off on his mission the once pink stallion had taken the liberty of cladding himself in a green camouflage suit and decorating his face and mane with various shades of green. In addition to that he also wore a black bandana. And just to complete the reference he also a candy cigar in his mouth which he chewed on idly. Currently, in an attempt to further hide his presence from his bipedal target, he was stationed in a portable fake bush.

“What do you plan to do?” he muttered softly. In front of Bubble Berry was a compact version of his party cannon equipped with an expensive looking zoom capable scope that had also been camouflaged by the fake bush. Berry gently adjusted the focus on the scope to get a clearer view of Barrett and Ample Grace whom had stopped walking and began making small talk.

“There you two are…” he grinned, having placed the crosshairs dead centre over Ample Grace’s head. “I swear if you ever think about moving that hoof there… Bang.” He then focused the crosshairs over Barret’s rear. “Oh ho ho. This was so worth getting, I can see his flank in HD.” He fiddled with his knobs again in order to get a closer look. “Now to see what you guys are up to.”

He then slapped on a pair of headphones and held out a large audio receiver disk, angling it to pick up on Barrett and Ample Grace’s conversation.

“So you really are the only human here?” Ample Grace asked.

“Yeah… I guess I am,” he answered, letting out a dramatic sigh.

“You must feel so out of place, don’t you? Not being around others of your own kind has gotta feel really weird.”

Barrett couldn’t help but chuckle. “Not really. Maybe it was weird for the first few days but I got used to it pretty quickly. Not like I was a super social guy back home or anything,” he said, his tone noticeably lowering in his last comment.

Even so, Grace gave him a sky smile. “So you made yourself at home here? All nice and comfortable then?” she said, sarcasm dripping from her words like hot butter on an uneaten pancake.

Sarcasm that Barrett quickly took note of. “Oh, you have no idea. I might seem high strung, but to be truthful, I’m the most chill guy in Equestria. From a few friends who don’t seem to take ‘no’ for an answer, to the fact my house was burned down, and now I just unintentionally hurt Butterscotch's feelings, my nerves are as limp as my wallet. You know… the one that burned in my house.” Barrett let out another, even more dramatic sigh. “Alas Poor Benjamin, I knew him well,” he whimpered, completing the gesture by striking a dramatic mournful pose.

Grace gasped. “Oh no, who’s Benjamin? Was he a pet that got caught in the fire?”

Barrett threw his head back and let out a loud guffaw. “No, It’s… more or less money that I had from where I came from… It’s useless anyways seeing the predicament I was in.”

As Berry listened into the conversation, he could feel a small tint of guilt building up inside him. While it’s true from what Barrett said, they really didn’t have any intention to hurt him. Berry shook off this distracting feeling wavering inside him and resumed listening into the conversation.

Grace let out a small sigh of relief. “Oh, alright. Anyway, surely there is at least one of your friends that you do trust a whole lot?”

Barrett smiled, and nodded. “Actually there is one. One who actually does his best to make me feel welcomed and helps me feel like I am at home of my own.”

“Really? who is he?”

“You probably know him. He’s an earth pony, somewhat big pretty popular around here.”

This brought a big amount of excitement to Berry, but he restrained himself from blurting out. “Oh my Solaris, oh my Artemis. He’s going to say me!” he whispered loudly.

“His name is Applejack! Out of my friends, I’d say he is the one who seems to genuinely care about me in the most unromantic way.”

When Berry heard this revelation, the audio receiver fell out of his hooves and his eyes constricted into pinpricks. Slowly, the world began to seem less colorful in Berry’s eyes. His mane limpened as his two biggest worst fears were confirmed. Barrett already chose someone to love, and Berry was not being the bestest possible friend to Barrett. One he could take but both was too much for the poor guy.

His heart ached, wracked with a white hot searing pain of emotions. He clutched at his chest, taking calm deep breath. As if through sheer force of will, his mane began to re-inflate slightly.

“N-no… that can’t be right. Applejack be a better friend than me to Barry-o?” He started to chuckle softly. His seemingly hurtful expression turned into one of intense determination. “No way! I can be better, I know it! I can get Barry to trust me again. More Donuts, Berry Style!” he said, obviously forgetting his objective to be secretive.

“What are you doing?” asked a pony from behind him.

Berry looked over towards the new arrival and gasped. Acting immediately, he pulled out a tiny marble from his mane and smashed it on the ground, exploding a distracting cloud of ninja smoke.

The small brown filly that Berry recognized as Silver Bell’s maybe-filly friend, Joystick, began to cough a bit from the smoke.

However, once it cleared up, Joystick saw that there was no sign of Berry or his equipment, just a big cardboard box. Joystick blinked, staring down at the cardboard for a second before shrugging.

Turning away, she trotted off. “I guess it was just my imagination,” she muttered.

When Joystick had left the area. The box grew a pair of pink legs and scooted away quickly.

Meanwhile Barrett had seen a smoke cloud and afterwards a box scooting away. When the box realized that it was visible, it stopped before stopping still. “What the heck is that?” he muttered, his eyes narrowing down on the box.

“What was what?” Ample Grace turned around, unfortunately, she only saw a still motionless box. Trotting over to it and peering down, Grace read a bit of text from on the side of it. “Looks like one of the boxes from the Box Ghost Box Emporium. I guess some poor delivery pony just dropped it.”

Barrett still standing in the same spot slowly turned to look at her, bewilderment engraved on his face like words on a stone monument. “The... what?

Grace turned and walked back towards him, shrugging off his question and returning to the previous topic. “Don’t worry about it.” she said, walking ahead.

Barrett still stared at the box for a few more seconds before turning and following Grace.

As they made their way, Grace continued. “Well, anyway, I’m glad you have at least one reliable friend. But what about Bubble Berry? I saw you talking to him on my way outside.” She smiled up at him. “You looked like you were having a good time. And for that matter what about Blitz?”

Barrett, glanced upwards, a a furrowed brow signalling the turning gears in his head. “I don’t know about Blitz but Berry is… an amazing friend to be honest. Though, that being said, he’s like a… a… really expensive drink. Amazing to taste, a great stress reliever, and a man’s best friend after a hard day. However, drink more than a shot at once and I feel like killing myself. Honestly, I think he’s a great guy and I’d love to hang around him more, but god if he isn’t like poison to an introvert like me, he’s just too strong.”

This caused Ample Grace to giggle, just a bit. Looking up at the sky herself, she attempted to figure out what time it was. When she did she frowned slightly. “Hey, let’s pick up the pace a bit. I think we wasted too much time. I wanna be the first one to get some of the delicious pizza they serve at this restaurant.”

“A model that eats pizza?” asked the human incredulously, one brow raised and a sly smirk on his face.

“YEAH!” she exclaimed with great enthusiasm, her voice going just a bit deeper for a second before she immediately recollected herself. At Barrett’s surprised look, Ample Grace’s face flushed. “Sorry about that… I… really like pizza.”

Barrett stared down at her. For a second his eyes narrowed as if trying to piece together something with his mind. Grace stared back, growing more nervous with each second.

Eventually, he shrugged and chuckled. “Hey, I’m not one to judge on what people… err ponies eat. Hell, if you can eat pizza and still keep that shape, who am I to complain.” Barrett said with a smile. “And pizza does sound great at the moment.”

Ample Grace stretched her wings and gently fluttered above ground, guiding Barrett down a path. Once they were out of sight, Berry, who, shockingly, was in the box the entire time, poked his head out.

“This is bad news, I can’t use the spy listening thingie from in here. They could be talking about anything right now!” Berry let out a gasp. “She could be offering him a contract as we speak!” Berry put a hoof to his chin and adopted a look of intense thought. “Right. I need to call in for some intel.”

Berry ducked back inside his box and scurried off in another direction. Stopping in a nearby alleyway, he held up a walkie talkie to his ear and began talking into it. “Colonel. Come in Colonel.”

In another part of the alley on the other side of Berry’s box, Berry picked up another walkie talkie and spoke in a scruffy, gravely voice. “This is Colonel responding. Agent GumPone, what is your situation?!”

Berry nodded, her back going straight as she sat upward in attention. “This is Agent GumPone, Colonel, sir! I may need some assistance, there is some trap leading Barret inside the store. I believe that she’s going to bribe him with delicious pizza, sir!”

“Copy that, Agent. I’ll send in a supply cache. With it you will find everything you need to complete this mission. You go and make sure the high priority target; Bestest Buddy Bud Barry-o Briggity Biggs is okay.”

Agent GumPone nodded, a smile on his face. “Thank you sir, and must I say you have a fine voice this day, sir.” Berry then returned to speaking in a scruffy voice.

“No no no, you have a fine voice, Agent GumPone,” the Colonel responded stiffly, if a bit too stiffly. If Berry didn’t know any better, he would have thought that the Colonel was blushing, even just a bit. “But this is no time for neither chit nor chat. Proceed with your mission. Colonel out!”

Just then, another box, nearly identical to the one Berry himself was in, slammed down next to the stallion. Berry, only mildly surprised at the speed, and actuality, of the supply cache reaching him, threw open the new boxes lid. After a bit of rummaging and stuffing things in his mane, Berry pulled out a grappling hook.

Not wasting a second, he pointed it up and fired. Feeling it latch onto the ledge of the building, Berry began climbing upwards. Humming a soft tone. “Cake Eater~. Ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhhh. Cake Eater!”

~~~

“The Golden Trough,” muttered Barrett, looking up at the large sign. Upon arriving at their destination. Barrett had taken a second to look over the establishment. It was definitely a restaurant. It was large, smelled of food, and looked expensive as hell. “Just like on earth,” he muttered to himself.

“This place is resturaunt central,” Ample Grace mentioned. “With a wide variety of foods to choose from, from fresh fruit to fried hayburgers. my favorite has always been their pizzas. From the standard cheese pizza to the Rainbow Pizza Supreme,” she said, excitement drooling from her words like honey.

Barrett looked down at her, skeptical. “Excuse me… Rainbow Pizza?”

“Do not mock the rainbow! You must taste it!” Grace began glaring at him as she began spinning a tale like it was the holy narrative. “The bread made from yeast cultivated in the magical desert in the middle of South Equestria. Placed upon it with glittering sauce from tomatoes of a crystal like texture. Capped with melted ripe aged mozzarella cheese from the milk of cows conceived and grown in the long lost lands of the Unknown. The entire thing roasted with the diluted heat of the sun by the great Prince Solaris himself and topped a myriad of other ingredients held from the general public.

Barrett opened his mouth to respond, only for Grace to cut him off. “And finally, just before it is presented, the pizza is christened by a single drop from a double rainbow. You know, for that extra spicey flavour.”

Barrett just stared at her, brow raised skeptically. “Sounds like the Mary Sue of pizzas. Zero outta ten, do not want in me. What else they got?”

Grace pursed her lips and glared at him. Turning around with a scoff she made her way towards the front doors. “Shows what you know. It’s fine, since you probably taste the rainbow every other day anyway.”

“Wait wha-”

“Whatever,” Grace continued. “They have all kinds of stuff here. Tortellini, Portabella mushrooms, a bunch of weird sounding Neightallian dishes and stuff. Probably something for humans too.”

As she talked, the two of them crossed through the door. Barrett looked around the inside of the place. It was modestly decorated, the wall were a warm brownish red colour that had been made to feel even warmer by the soft glow of the lights hanging from the ceiling. If it were any closer to nighttime Barrett was sure that it would be crawling with romantic couples.

But, as it stood now, Barrett had a markedly different opinion. “This place feels expensive,” he said, grimacing. His eyes then traveled over to the only out of place looking thing. An older looking, scruffy furred grey earth pony stallion lounging against the side front podium, reading what looked to be a playcolt magazine.

“A big time chef from Canterlot started this place, you know,” said Ample Grace. “Apparently, he was mad that food cost so much there and that not a lot of regular ponies could eat it. So, he came to Ponyville and made this place so everypony could feel fancy. Everything here is so high class and cheap it’s crazy. Half the reason I come here in between my tours is just to eat at this place.”

“Besides the fact that you live here?” asked Barrett, still staring at the stallion.

“What do you think the other half is?” Grace chuckled and walked up to the greeter. Before she could even address him, the stallion looked up from his magazine and immediately broke out into a huge grin.

“Oh shite!” the grey stallion nearly shouted, tossing his book away. Away being right into Barrett’s face. “Where the fuck ya been, ma wee lass? Ah d’knae how we managed to function without ye it’s been so long! Welcome back!”

Grace chuckled and turned to introduce him to the human. “M-maybe more than half I guess. Barrett, this is Scruffy Kilt. He’s… well… protection.”

“Protection?” muttered Barrett, slackjawed from behind the book.

“Yup, he keeps the place casual,” she answered, flying up and grabbing the book.

Kilt nodded proudly. “Aye ya weird lookin’ laddie. Ya see here, our owner here really hated the stuffy air in the high class eaties. He said the food wa’ fit for nae more tha’ what you’d feed yer hounds, wha’ wi’ the whole regiment ae’ different forks that scum use. I seen nowt like’t in all my years, I’d swear’t they even had one for pickin yer nose. So my job is to make ya feel all comfy-like while I get ya all seated. Say, where’d the sir and lass like t’be seated?”

Grace took a quick look around and shrugged. “Anywhere is fine really. We’re the first ones here so I don’t think it matters.”

Kilt lifted a hoof and gestured around. “Alright, well if that’s the way you want to play’t, then park your arses wherever y’ see fit.”

Motioning to Barrett, Grace lead them further into the store, however, as the human passed the podium, he felt a hoof catch his shirt sleeve. He turned to see Kilt giving him a sly grin.

“Oi, lad,” he whispered glancing at the human. “Iff’n yer here seekin’ tae take yon bonny lass home so she can… fiddle with yer bagpipe, Ah gotta warn ye, be careful. Also, iff’n anythin’ goes wrong, yer payin for the damages.”

At the mention of the word date, Barrett’s face immediately flushed a light pink colour. He opened his mouth to respond, but before he could, Grace called out his name.

“Barrett, you coming?” she called looking over at him. “Are you talking to Kilt?”

Barrett looked from her, to back to Kilt who had gone back to reading his dirty magazine. While he wanted to ask about what the stallion meant, he liked the sound of this being a date. And if this was a date, he didn’t want to keep the pretty mare waiting.

“Yeah, I’m coming.” With that, he and Grace left to find a seat.

Unbeknownst to them, another pony had entered after him. This new pony wore nothing but a moustache, and a yellow wig that looked like his normal mane but… well… a different color. Finally, completing his master disguise, Barry had acquired a pair of fake cutie mark accessories. Each of normal balloons were now also wearing a moustache and wig. Berry sauntered up to the podium and cleared his throat.

When Kilt looked down at the stallion he himself could barely contain a chuckle. “Oh Berry, what in the plaid coloured hell are ye up to today, hm?”

Berry turned away and scoffed. “Well I would be scaling the skylight but you guys don’t have one. So now I have to use the front door.”

Kilt rolled his eyes, a playful grin still on his face. “Aye my eyes nae be decievin’ me yet m’lad. I’m askin whit yer doin in yon costume.”

Berry took two quick glances back and forth before leaning up to Kilt and lowering his mustache. “I’m here to make sure that my best buddy Barrett doesn’t get gypped by that mare,” he muttered.

“Have you been eating those special cupcakes of yer’s, laddie?” asked Kilt, his eyes narrowing down on the semi disguised stallion

Berry shook his head and reaffixed his moustache. “Nope. Now if you’ll excuse me. I need to sit at the most convenient yet well hidden area.” Berry then trotted into the main area of the restaurant, searching for a seat that gave him a good view of Barrett and Grace.

Applying a smaller, more efficient listening device to his ear, Berry tuned in to their conversation.

“Well you know what I’m getting,” said Grace, sitting down her menu. Before she and her companion had even found a place to sit she had flagged down a waiter and placed her order. “What are you thinking about?” she asked.

Barrett, unlike her, was staring deeply into the menu while flipping pages back and forth and checking out the pictures of foods and their descriptions. His brow had long since furrowed and his mouth opened and closed periodically, seemingly ready to order each time but stopping whenever something new passed by his gaze.

Grace, a smug smile forming on her face, simply leaned onto the table and stared at him. “I’m guessing you like what they serve here?”

Barrett didn’t even look up from the menu. “It’s… really varied. I’m more surprised about how evenly priced everything is. I swear to God I’ve only seen like one thing on this list that more than 15 bits and that’s the Rainbow Pizza that’s like 10,000.”

“I know right. The head chef only makes one every few months and you need to reserve it as soon as possible.”

Barrett lowered the menu slightly and looked up from it. “Don’t tell me…”

Ample Grace just nodded and Barrett rolled his eyes. However, when he went back to look at the menu, the mare in front of him reached out with a hoof and pulled it back down. “Oh put that away. The pizza I ordered is big enough for both of us.”

A few booths over, Berry let out a small gasp. “I knew it! That model is going to bribe him with pizza until he decides to join her! I’ve got to find a way to stop them.”

“Order up!” shouted the voice of one of the chefs.

A waitress began to carry the platter of two single slices of pizza over towards the table where Barrett and Grace sat at. As she sat the plates in front of them, Barrett’s eyes glazed over the pizza, it was similar to the one his homeworld had. A four cheese pizza, he gently took a whiff of the aroma.

“You were right Grace, this does look delicious.” He said, Barrett tried his best not to let his mouth over water. But then a curious matter popped up in his mind. “Is this the Rainbow Pizza?”

Grace scoffed shook her head. “Of course not. This is for you. There is a saying when eating pizza.”

Barrett let out a small chuckle. “Oh really? Is it something like Justin 3:16 Eat, Pray, and Love.”

“No… I have no idea who or what that is but it sounds like a stupid saying,” she said without missing a beat. “It goes like this.... One does not simply consume the best, without trying the first.”

Barrett snickered, “I see what you did there.”

Grace tilted her head in confusion. “Did what?”

Barrett blushed and sank back into his seat. “S-sorry, earth joke.”

“This isn’t a joke,” Grace huffed. “Look there are three things I love in this world. I love modeling nice clothes that make me look cute, and I love eating pizza that tastes great.”

Barrett stared at her, waiting patiently. When Grace failed to continue he gestured to her by rolling his hand. “And?”

“And what?” she asked, genuinely confused.

“What’s the third thing?”

Slowly, Ample Grace’s eyes went wide and her face reddened rapidly. “N-nothing. I was wrong, there’s no third thing,” she stammered, her gaze avoiding his.

Barrett shrugged, grabbing a slice of pizza.

Berry observed the scene, looking through a pair of mini binoculars. “Dang it. It’s already starting.” Meanwhile, a rather tall green coated waitress pony had made her way up to the stallion.

“Sir, are you ready to order?” said the waitress, looking down on him with an expression of half amusement and half confusion.

Berry lowered the binoculars and turned to look at the mare, his eyes narrowed to pinpricks of seriousness. “Bring me… A mug of sasaparilla. Extra fizzy.” He then turned back to the scene. “Things are about to go down,” he muttered darkly.

The waitress raised an eyebrow and decided not to question Berry Bubble’s response.

Berry then focused onto Barrett as he ate his slice of pizza. He could feel his heart skip a beat as a tendril of cheese fell down to his chin and again as Barrett slurped it back up.

“Oh Barrett… I wish you could slowly feed me that pizza… Sliding it’s tasty cheesy goodness into my mouth.” Berry licked his lips. “I’d even let you tug on my ears as you did it.” Berry trailed off, continuing to mutter softly to himself, somewhat being distracted from his mission.

However, his spying gaze soon traveled over to Grace who, while still heartily enjoying her pizza with more enthusiasm than Barrett, still ate her slice with the grace of a star. Not a wire of cheese nor a drop of oil fell from her slice as she ate.

Berry hummed thoughtfully. “Hmm, she hasn't offered him a deal yet. She must be waiting to butter him up with this so called Rainbow Pizza of hers.” Berry lifted his head and gasped, eyes shrunken. “Oh no, what if she put something in it? Hypnosis pills? Truth serum? Viagra?! This situation has just evolved into a code red. My top priority is to ‘eliminate’ the surprise immediately.”

“Order up!” shouted a chef.

Berry’s ears twitched and he turned around. Leaving through the kitchen doors was a waitress pushing a cart. On the cart was a large platter covered by a large dome lid.

“Now why would this dish be covered up…” Berry thought, his mind processed many possibilities before arriving at the obvious one. “Oh no!”

Grace gripped the top of the lid. “Feast your eyes, on the greatest pizza known to ponies, griffins and some species of dragons. ‘s So good, they banned it in forty nine of the fifty two Haymareican states.”

Barrett rolled his eyes. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

As the lid rose, a radiant prismatic glow began to exit the dome. Barrett’s eyes widened and Grace’s grin followed suit.

Barrett stared at the prismatic pizza, the various colours gently giving off a blindingly wonderful glow. “Well I’m seeing it and now I can’t tell if I’ll go blind from eating the pizza or looking at it,” he said plainly.

“Don’t be like that Barrett. As the guest of honor, you have the first slice.” Grace said as she leaned back on her seat.

Barrett shrugged and was slowly reached for a slice. As he lifted the delicacy a crossbow bolt whizzed through the air and stabbed right through the slice, pinning it to the seat next to him. Barrett to quickly yanked his hand back. “Whoa! What the hell?!”

On the bolt was a small round object with a lit fuse. Barrett’s eyes immediately went wide. “Oh fuck my life…”

Grace raised an eyebrow more shocked that someone had shot the pizza rather than the fact that Barrett was almost shot. “What the heck?”

As the fuse went out, the object expanded to thrice its size before it exploding outward. Thick white cream splattered across the restaurant. The radius had been so large that several customers several feet away had also had been buffeted by the rain of milky white cream. Though unfortunately, Barrett and Grace had received most of the impact, getting their faces covered with the mysterious substance.

Berry stood up from his hiding spot, his disguise gone, twirling a crossbow like tool in his hoof. He then gently blew away the smoke from the top of the wooden arrow launcher. “Mission accomplished, Barret’s Package has been well and truly delivered.” He said before a splatter of cream got on his face.

After about a minute, when the white cream begin to drip down the walls, Barrett and Grace continued to look down at the now clear white table. A large circular bulge was the only indication of the pizza that was still there.

Grace’s eyes were wide as saucers while her jaw had figuratively slammed into the table. Barrett, meanwhile, slowly removed his glasses and carefully looked around at the cloudy white substance covering everything from his head to his feet. Like syrup, it streaked down his face and into his shirt. Barrett shivered as it even reached certain other places.

It was sticky, and it was everywhere.

Barrett let out a deep groan, but as he did a sweet and familiar scent wafted into his nasal orifice. Reaching out a hand, he wiped away a bit of cream from his cheek with his middle finger and licked it. As it touched his tongue recognition flashed in his eyes.

“Is this Berry’s Cream?” he muttered. Slamming a hand on the still covered table he stood up and yelled, “Berry are you in here? Is this some kind of prank?!”

Dramatically, Berry hopped from his hiding place to the top of Barrett’s table. As his hooves slammed down on the pizza, Grace recoiled as if the air had been beaten out of her. She even started to emit a low wheeze as Berry began his declaration.

“Yes, my love! It is I, Bubble Berry!” he said, standing tall with his head held high and a hoof to his chest. “I came here to warn you!”

Barrett, while wanted to be furious, couldn’t help but feel emotional state shift over to confusion. “Warn me? You blew a load of cream in my face!”

Berry, at least, had the decency to blush and look away shyly. “I-in my defence there was way more cream than I thought there'd be. Honestly, it was supposed to just be a distraction. But anyway!” Berry reached down and picked up the human by his collar. “B. Bubs, you can’t listen to this mare! Modeling isn't all it's cracked up to be, just ask Butterscotch. And plus they didn’t even give you any pie!”

Barrett‘s brow furrowed further. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said plainly. “From what she’s told me, modeling sounds great.”

Berry let him go and then sat himself down. As the pizza let out a squishing noise, Grace’s chest immediately convulsed. She slammed to her chest and let out a louder wheeze. Slowly, she could feel her heart cease to beat.

Berry stared down at Barrett, his eyes glossing over and beginning to shimmer. “S-so you’re seriously considering it? But then you’ll never see us again. You won’t have time. We’d have to start a long distance relationship! Is that what you want Barrett? I mean, I can love you from another planet but I don’t think you could handle it,” he said, his voice falling into a whimper.

Barrett placed a hand on his face and sighed into it.

You..”

Both Barrett and Berry’s heads snapped up and the sudden hiss. Both of them turned to see Grace staring down at the once great food now that had been reduced to a squishy plot pad for the pink pissant positioned upon it.

Slowly, Ample Grace’s hooves rose into the air. “You’ve gotta be FUCKING KIDDING ME!” shouted, slammed her hooves onto the table. The thick wood splintered under the force of her two hooves.

The reaction caused Berry to jump up and leap onto Barrett lap.

With a strong whinny, Ample Grace grabbed the edge of the table and, with disturbing ease, wrenched the bolted piece of furniture out of the linoleum floor and hurled it upwards. The table flew upwards through the ceiling and smashed through the small circular window that had only recently been installed.

Berry could only watch, slack jawed, as the table flew up into the sky. “I… guess they did have a skylight.”

Barrett gaped as he looked backed at Grace. He then whimpered as she turned her furious look at the two of them. He shrunk back before noticing that her glare was in fact directed at the pony in his grasp glaring at Berry. Before he realized what he was doing he had wrapped the stallion in his arms protectively.

“Why, in the name of Solaris’ beard, did you think that was a good idea?!” she yelled stomping over towards them and staring right into Berry’s eyes. The stallion shrank into Barrett who, in turn, shrank back into his booth seat. “Do you have even an inkling of a clue about how long I have waited for that pizza you pink haired mud slinging idiot,” she hissed, a crazed grin growing on her face. Barrett couldn’t help but notice the veins now popping out of her forehead.

“Do you know how much I needed this today?” she continued. To Barrett’s shock and awe the more effortlessly tore Berry away from him and held him up in the air. “Do you know how I get when I can’t get at least one slice inside me?”

Berry gave her a nervous grin as he wrapped his hood around hers and struggled, in vain, to pry himself away. “Heh… um… you get very strong for a model?”

Ample Grace, whom had been growling before had gone silent her composure apparently finally beginning to return. Taking a cursory glance around the area of the store. All of the waitresses and waiters had taken cover and Scruffy Kilt, whom hadn’t moved from his podium, was just shaking his head.

Wordlessly, Ample Grace dropped Berry and took a few steps back. From under the white smudges on her cheeks Barrett could see a faint blush on her face.

Barrett was about to say something, but Grace cut him off. “No! You know what, Berry... I get it.” Grace said, taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself.

Berry blinked a few times. “What do you mean?”

“Look, I know you love Barrett… I get it, he seems like a great guy. But you need to get it through your thick, squishy head that he’s dating Blitz. If you want him that badly then take it up with your friend.”

Grace then took in a deep breath, held it for a second, then let it out with a deep shiver. “Now Barrett,” she continued, her voice shaking with restraint, “I am perfectly fine with you… you’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t tell anyone about the table. I will pay for it so don’t worry. But please… keep your fucking insane friends under control. ”

With a quick heel turn, Grace swiftly left the building, leaving the staff to all let out a collective sigh of relief. As if used to this somehow, they all quickly began to sort themselves out to various damage control stations. One pony had begun cleaning the cream off of everything, one pony began cleaning up the glass, and another had walked up to them.

That pony was none other than Scruffy Kilt, who simply shook his head at the human. “Aye laddie D’nae say I didn’t warn ye. The wee lass may look like a scrap o’ skin n’ bone, but she’s strong as ten manticores wi’ blue balls, an’ twice as mean. It’s actually kinda impressive. Accordin’ to the rumors, she used to be some sort of professional weight lifter?” It was then that Barrett’s eyes shrank and it had all come together. An amber coloured mane? A white coat? He knew that there was only a few other ponies that could be Ample Grace’s male equivalent. And Barrett was sure as hell that it wasn't Blueblood.

The realization shook him slightly but before he could figure out exactly how he felt about that, another piece of information slammed into the forefront of his mind.

“She thinks I’m dating Blitz…” he muttered a far away look in his eyes.

“Either way,” Kilt continued, oblivious to Barrett’s mental conundrums. “Without her pizza, she’s gonna be more grumpy than a cat with a pinecone up its arse.”

Barrett dramatically wiped a bead of sweat from his brow. “Jeez louise! Was that pizza so important?”

A group of ponies whom had begun cleaning the, now tableless, booth, let out a few defeated whimpers as they uncovered the remains of what was once the greatest dish in existence. What had been formally renowned for making other dishes jealous was now nothing more that a squished mess of ingredients and cream.

Each of the clean up ponies, no matter where they were, stopped and looked towards the fallen and dipped their heads in mourning. Kilt shrugged and trotted off.

Berry, confused, walked over to the pile and stuck his hoof in it. It came out with a pile of pizza mush and cream. Shrugging he stuffed the thing into his mouth.

He immediately spit it out. “Eggghh! I don’t know if it’s just my cream that tastes like this or the pizza, but it’s really bitter…” Berry smacked his lips a few times. “And salty!”

Author's Note:

"I have absolutely no regrets... but this might be my favorite chapter," ~Spirit Shift

"I can't wait for the comments," ~The Almighty Lord Inquisitor"

"We have gayed where no gay has gone before," ~The Empty Shell

Puns! Quips! Jokes! I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH THIS!" :pinkiecrazy: Check out these alternate titles I came up with!" ~Viewpoint Robin

“Pizza! Spies! Cream!”
“Salty Splatoon”
“Pizza versus Cream.”
“Call of Pizza III: Cream Ops.”
“Creamy Salty Turnabout.”
“Cream Pizza.”
“Remember, creaming in public is illegal in eleven states”
“Creaming in public is generally considered to be a bad move.”
“Cream, meet face.”
“Berry’s Triple B (Big Bukkake Bomb)”