Celestia's Sun Problems

by Peridork

Why Was My Cutie Mark a Sun Again?

Celestia wiped the sleep from her eyes and looked around at her surroundings. She was surprised to find that she was in the middle of the town of Ponyville. It was also eerily deserted. She walked around the town for a few minutes hoping that it was just a large prank.

No ponies in her student’s library.

No ponies in the nearby apple orchard. What was the name again? Happy Tree Friendly Orchards or something like that? I know there’s some orchard with that name.

No ponies in any of the houses.

What happened last night?

***

One Night Earlier

The Mane Six and the entire town of Ponyville was celebrating another one of those defeats of a villain or two. The town had lost count after the nine hundredth villain party so they just started calling the parties “Look at how fantastic Twilight is” parties where they celebrated everything related to Twilight Sparkle.

Celestia was invited.

“Oh my little ponies, I am so glad that you invited me to one of these parties. I’ve wanted to go to one, but I never seem to be in the right place at the right time.”

“Ah that’s okay, Princess.” Applejack bowed and led the Princess towards the party grounds.

“Now Applejack I heard that your family’s alcohol shall be served at the party. I would be honored if you show me some of your drinks.”

“Aw shucks, no problem.”

***

Celestia was having the time of her immortal life. Pinkie had shown her how to play Pinkie Pie Twister, (which involved all the normal ingredients, but also added feathers, sweets, and demonic possession.) Twilight showed her some of the newest collection of alchemical tomes, Rainbow Dash showed off her acrobatic skills, and ad infinitum in boring pony things until Celestia had forgotten the request she had given to Applejack.

“Ah got the favor you asked for, Princess.”

“Now what are you talking about...”Celestia turned and was greeted by a verifiable mountain of alcohol.

“So what ya’ll say?”

Celestia chuckled. “I proclaim the party has started. Everypony grab a drink!”

***

Celestia was having such a fun time. She finally felt that she could relax without any of her advisors saying that she was being improper. Who could judge her really though? When you raised the sun everyday for generations without much of a thank you or even a day off, what was the point?

Currently Celestia was watching all her ponies being their drunken selves. And she enjoyed it immensely. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Twilight and her friends participate in party antics that Luna would know a lot about. I didn’t know Rainbow was that flexible or that a spine could bend that way without unicorn magic.

The Sun Princess noticed that some form of party game was going on and she regally threw ponies out of her way to watch. It involved a ball and a few cups of alcohol and a few stallions were competing to see how few alcoholic beverages they had to drink.

Celestia cleared her throat. “May I join in?”

“Eeyup”

***

Celestia had been playing this strange game for a couple rounds and she was absolutely terrible at it. “Why ish it so difficult?” Celestia moaned and took another drink of the heavenly apple-flavored drink that was provided by Applejack.

Celestia felt all her inhibitions slowly melting away. Hey that stallion over there sure looks good to me. The stallion in question was Big Mac and he was poking his head out of the barn that everypony had begun to move to. Celestia cantered up to Big Mac and she noticed him blushing heavily.

“Yoush very hanshome.” Celestia began laughing uncontrollably.

“Yep? Err...can I help you inside?” Big Mac was really worried about his Princess. Most ponies believed that the Princesses’ were impervious to alcohol but that was a load of hooey. They were just like any other mares, probably worse because Big Mac had never seen them outside of courtly duties. He finally connected the dots. Oh Faust, AJ had to give alcohol to a mare who’s never had the stuff.

Celestia learned forward and surprised Big Mac by kissing him on the lips.

“Wha...” Big Mac’s eyes bugged out as he saw that Celestia’s aura was surrounding her regalia.

“Now...big boy, show your ruler some of your accomplishments. Don’t worry. If you do well enough I will reward you with...” Celestia paused for a moment and thought what exactly she could give the stallion.

“Ah I got it! I just make you a Princess! That’s what my sister and I do to reward any pony that catches our eye. I think that there will be a couple new alicorn princesses sooner or later...”

Big Mac tried to shuffle away from the drunken princess. He then decided to buck all reason to the wind and ran for his life.

“Come back...I’ll make you the Princess of Manliness...or Stallions. Or something” Celestia began sobbing because her stallion had broken up with her. And I th-ha-ha-ought that it was going so well.

Celestia knew that she was going to never have anypony again and she was resolute in keeping herself pure for that unnameable stallion. She felt the heat of the sun warm up her broken heart and she was resolute to never again have ponies look at her in her drunken state. Celestia picked herself up and went off towards her new task.

***

Celestia opened the door as loudly as she could. Everypony in the barn turned and stared in fear for their lives. Celestia’s eye was twitching and her ethereal mane was becoming more and more disheveled as the seconds passed.

“HEL-----LO EVERRRRRYPONY!!!” Celestia cackled as she readied her sun magic and pointed as many pricks of light towards the group of ponies. She released her spells and they flew towards the eyes of all the ponies.

She began to hear the screams of the ponies in the barn and her rampage killed everypony in Ponyville. Her resultant depression caused her to die of...

***

“What? Why are you looking at me?”

A Draconequus grinned down at the little fillies that had been listening to his story. They were silent because they were in catatonic shock. A certain white alicorn was glaring at him. “Discord...I told you to read the fillies a good story.”

“I thought it was an appropriate story.” Discord grinned while grabbing the nearby water bottle in his claws and drinking the cup that it was stored in.

Celestia rubbed her temple. “You are not a critic. The last opera you recommended had everypony turn into zombies.”

“What? That’s entertainment.”

Celestia humphed. “Somedays I wonder why I freed you from stone.”

Discord poked the alicorn. “You know you like my form of chaos.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

Celestia and Discord walked out of the classroom forgetting all the fillies and colts that were still frozen.

All in all, it was a normal day in Equestria.

Author's Note:

I don't even.

Really, this was a really short idea that I came up with first thinking that "What would happen if Celestia's cutie mark was connected to the sun and staring at it caused ponies eyes to melt?" And this happened out of that.

Comments

[lillytheomegawolf]

Lol.

And I was wondering how Discord would come in...
I was hoping for a little Flutterdash there at the party... (as per part of your user name..) but I can live with the crazy laughs as they are.
Its good to see more from you.

[Peridork]

2441652 As I put in my blog post- It was going to be a really silly story.

Glad you got a kick out of a story that took a very short time to write.

[Ssendam the Masked]

YAY PRINCESS OF STALLIONS.
SO GOOD.

[YourNeighborhoodAlicorn]

That was THE most ironic ending i have ever seen. And that's saying something. Good story though, laughed my ass off.

[Peridork]

2464360

Thanks for the comment. I was going for the irony. I love irony and puns in comedy. And glad you liked the story. It was a blast to write.

[Inferno demon Dash]

I freaking lost it on this story, laughed so hard, this was my favorite line though: demonic possession. Gods, I lost it after that. This was funny as hell, loved every second, even more so because Discord was telling the story, ah.....even gods have to have their fun, right? Great job, really enjoyable

[BloodyBubblegum]

An amazing work to grace the realms of comedy, both tragic and so non-sequitor, there never was such a masterpiece. From flowers didst your mane grow and depths of Celestial cheer, to humor harking back to Wiggleimpaler himself, you've captured elements of 'humor as tragedy', 'humor as surprise' and 'humor as a reflexive defense mechanism'. Author, in thy orisons may all my praise be remembered. Was there ever any reason to doubt the great and legitimate Coshki, nay, I say-! Nay, I say! No doubt must come to my bronze god of many children, wives and scullery servant gladiators dressed in spiked leather...!

Ia! Ia! IA! IA!