Chocolate Flash is starting over in Ponyville, for reasons known only to him and Pinkie Pie, and old friend. He harbors some big secrets that don't stay secret for very long around the Elements of Harmony.
A slice of life from a universe where the Sisters adopted a foundling not long before Luna's exile.
Page generated in 0.112 seconds
Total duration
937 users online
1,254,889 hits today, 1,996,409 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
There's a lot to be said about the first chapter, while I don't mean to come off as insulting here's a few things:
1) Does equestria even has buses?
2) Do you have glasses? I do, and they're expensive... getting a bunch of dust on them isn't really something that would set me off... might annoy me and make me clean them. Unless that bus was kicking rocks and one of them struck their glasses, I don't think most people would complain that much. Ask yourself if this bit is important to the story. That goes for fiction writing: If it doesn't develop a character, or it isn't directly important to the story... remove it.
3) What is a Chocolate Flash? As a suggestion try to come up with a character that has a name that describes itself, or has something meaningful.
4) Be consistent with paragraph spacing, you'll be driving your readers crazy. (For the record I didn't rate this fic)
5) Watch out for self insertion. To me this fic reeks of it. (How to spot a self insertion or Mary Sue OC: It has an odd colored muzzle)
Keep trying, take a look what other people have written. Try to find out what works, and what doesn't.
199690
I know it kinda sucks, i haven't written in 20 years, so I'm not only rusty, but have forgotten what little bit I was taught in lit class back in the early ninties
if i said the rest of what I wanted to say here, i'd be kicked out of here in a New York (or, in this case, Manehatten) minute. if you don't like it, don't read it. or wait for the non first person entries. THOSE i want all the opinions on I can get
199964 Some writers like CC, so I review. I was offering suggestions to help you improve. If i come off as sarcastic it's mainly to get the point across. Either way I won't give you any CC anymore, you're safe now.
What am I reading?
200472
a first person noob piece :P
200346
it's a knee jerk reaction. been in too many communities that are made up of "you suck balls, come back when you've got a degree in it" professionals. in other words, trolls with a degree.
the rest of it I can take (i had people go over this before I came here) and they said the same thing. it was two words "Mary Sue" that set me off.
200472
Wondering that myself.
Hmmm.... I think there's too much dialogue throughout. Maybe mix more description would be better? Not sure if I truly like it or hate it.. Pretty much on the neutral side..
I personally don't care about the Mary Sue thing, as long the story has a good flow to it.
200472 It's obviously a horror novel. I mean, look at those periods!
Oh wait, there are none.
2975866
please refrain from commenting. this story is dead, and I should have buried it and walked away from this fandom instead of trying to participate.
"horror novel"? read too much Steven King, i guess.
I like it and hope to maybe see more of the story
So wait.....a foundling is a grounded Pegasus?.....or is it an alicorn who lost both his wings and horn?
Nice
I’m guessing you never took english classes.