Ive just returned to my dwindling life on the internet and taken up writing fanfiction, i'm still in need of a proofreader and would appreciate any help
Pinkie Pie has a secret she wants nopony to know, Spitfire wants a vacation away from the hustle and bustle of captain of the wonderbolts, But what does Rainbow Dash want? not even she knows.
a special thanks to
Pre-readers:
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/Firebrand22
Editors:
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/epreeses1
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/stormsrevelations
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I like the premise of the story. It just seems to be having a bit of trouble being put down.
2436579
thanks, was there anything confusing or i could have done better?
Well. Here's a few random fixes from the first section. I don't have time to do the whole thing.
>The spa was full,[1] ponies were happily having mud-baths, getting facials, and[2] two ponies in particular were enjoying their massages.
[1] Comma splice. Should be period
[2] you are conflating a two item list with the conjunction and
The spa was full. Ponies were happily having mud-baths and getting facials, and two ponies in particular were enjoying their massages.
>â[1]mmhn[2]â Pinkie Pie moaned as Lotus Blossom found another of her tensed muscles.
[1] Capital
[2] comma
>âFor one of the happiest ponies in Ponyville[1] you really have a lot of stress[2] donât you? Youâre so tense.[3]â [4]Remarked the light blue[5] spa pony [6]as she massaged [7]pinkie.
[1] comma
[2] comma
[3] comma
[4*] 2/2 on saidisms. Also, should be lower case with [3]
[5*] LUS
[6*] two "as" sentences in a row
[7] Capital
The * are not issues themselves, but are stylistic choices that can easily distract and sound odd if overused.
>âHeh, Pinkie[1] youâre really getting into it[2] arenât you?â remarked[3] Spitfire with a smile, only to lay her head down with a moan shortly after as[4] Aloe massaged her wings.
[1] comma
[2] comma
[3] 3/3 on saidisms
[4] extra word?
>âWell, you sounded like you really needed it, being the âbest flier in all of equestriaâ and all[1]â [2]giggled Pinkie as Lotus finished up.
[1] period (comma)
[2] Capital (see second part of this). Giggling a phrase is a weird image. You probably meant she said, then giggled.
>*** . . .
Just use [hr ] or gdocs' horizontal break. It looks nicer.
There's a distict lack of description in this scene. We don't get to see much of what is going on here. It's very close to two talking heads. I can picture it, but were I to sketch it out it would be very different than another person's sketch. While minimalism can work sometimes, I don't think it does you favors here. It's just very brief.
For the rest of the fic...
You're missing an awful lot of commas. This makes it hard to read as one is never sure where a clause begins or ends. There're also random comma splices and forgetting to capitalize names and such. In general, there is a lack of personality to the characters. This is probably because most of the interaction is dialogue with little to know fluff outside of quotes.
Great story bro!
2436908
Thank you! im glad you pointed those out, i didnt catch them and i am very VERY inexperienced at shipping, so if there are any tips you could give me i would greatly appreciate them. honestly now that you started showing them to me its pretty embarissing as to how many mistakes i made. i have changed what you pointed out and given more body language in the scenes i hope i didnt make it worse by doing this though, if you have time can you tell me what you think of the changes?
Dash either wants Pinkie or Spitfire or both.
Title: Loyalty, Laughter, and Love
Author: Delitor
Reviewed by: Quillbit Marelor
Shipping fics are probably the most complicated to write when it comes to creating a certain fanfiction. They must carefully create a way in which two ponies that were never supposed to become romantically linked develop a deep connection. This would involve altering personalities or situations in order to fit the satisfaction of the writer. Good shipping fanfictions are not impossible to create, though it does depend on a skilled writer in order to make it at least halfway believable. In the case of âLoyalty, Laughter, and Love,â a story by Delitor, it comes off as somewhat convoluted as a result of shaky writing and poor narrative decisions.
Full Review
Score: 4/10