good so far. a few grammar errors and a little short, but has great potential.

TTrraacckkiinng

Sounds interesting

Let the games begin...

Okay, I am liking this so far. As a suggestion create a sentence around the pnomatopoeia like "Splish, splosh, splish, splosh the sound of hooves trudging through water echoed across the banks as Twilight ran."

....continue....if only so i can see WHY everyone thinks she was trying to kill the princess....

Oh, dear.  Now I have to find out if/how she proves herself innocent!  Curses!

Tracking.  

>>193007193007 Patience, patience we'll get there eventually :)

I like what I see so far.

intriguing...im excited to see how this story turns out...

I'd like to take the time to clear up any misconceptions about the random ponies being introduced in the story: Storm Chaser and Silver Tongue aren't self-inserts, rather they are ponies I made up on the spot as I needed them to help the narrative. The main character for this story is Twilight, and the story will be told from her perspective. But I might add a few more random characters with very limited and minor roles in order to provide a context in which Twilight is regarded as a dangerous criminal rather than the harmless and innocent pony you're all accustomed to.

I'd make the chapters a little longer, but they're quite good so far...

I LOVE IT PLZ PLZ PLZ WRITE MORE.

love it still I feel REALLY bad for Twilight.

>>194074194074 Me too.  Colt damnit I feel like such a bastard for putting her through this :(

i just read the first chapter its a great story so far i thought celestia would give twilight a trial unless theres some serious evidence agenst twilight

>>Iron_hooved just so long as the real villan gets caught u dont have to fell like a bastard unless your gonna make it another way then you cam fell like one

Step one. Find the prep,

Step two. Prepare a very painful and horrible death/life

Step three. You're forgiven by all for putting her through that

One question though, will the other elements help hunt her down?

Hoh! I like this. It's very well-presented and the plot looks promising. :D I like how you used words like "growled" or "shouted" or "hissed" instead of just "said", like so many authors forget to do. You have some REALLY cool imagery in here. My favorite is "*Clippity-clop, clippity-clop, clippity-clop* the sounds of a hundred hooves echoed through the forest like war drums, as they grew louder and louder." WAR DRUMS! 8D

Now, you really could use some formatting stuff and stuff. :O When there is a "said" word after a sentence, end the sentence quote thing with a comma. "I like potatoes," Garuu said. I actually don't like potatoes that much....uhh... Anyway, yeah, formatting really just makes your whole fic look nicer and be easier to read. You have M-M-M-M-MASSIVE potential with this. I just want to help you make this a liiiittle bit better. :D

Be sure to break up that awesome imagery of yours with commas so the fic flows like pancake batter onto a skillet instead of water. You know when pancake batter is too watery? It falls down, and then goes SPLOOMF, ALL over the griddle. Doesn't make for very good pancakes. D: Fics are kinda like that.

Number two/2; press Tab at the beginning of each paragraph. It shoves the first word a little bit to the right. Unnecessary, but it looks nice. :3 This is called "Indenting your paragraphs".

I would like more detail in this fic.... what you have going is pretty awesome as-is, but the chapters are too shooort. D: Just a little bit of internal narrative so we can connect with Twilight, maybe? Internal narrative is when, without using quotes, there is a paragraph of the narrator talking in the same way a character would think. It almost sounds like a movie trailer announcer guy. Liek, "What did she do wrong? WHY where they hunting her?? She didn't do this!!". Almost like a movie trailer guy. xD Of course, when reading it, it doesn't come across that way; it's just a way to give character thoughts without actually listing their thoughts in a third-person story.

What you've got going here is seventeen kinds of awesome. Don't stop. I love these kind of fics.

>>196161196161 I'm pleasantly surprised that you're all really enjoying this story. Never in my wildest dreams did I hope to start out with more than a 2-star rating. And as far as you recommendations go, I've been trying to lengthen the size of each chapter gradually so that they are at least 3000+ words. I will go back and edit previous chapters like you suggested to include indenting. It's my very first fic so I'm still gradually learning as I go along. Hope you continue to like it :)

>>196201196201

Come on dude, no need to sell your self short. You already have the makings of an epic with proper spelling and actual use of spacing between the paragraphs. The good story's just an added bonus.

If i find that piece of s@#$

I will chainsaw his/her @$$ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way home!

NO-PONY MESSES WITH MY TWILIGHT

I have a suspect:

And I suspect she will be getting help

>>196265196265

My thoughts exactly, including who you think the real criminal is.  She is the only canon character I can see having a motive for doing this.

....you have no idea how much i laughed at this, as ive just finished my little dashie, so this is welcome.

This image i thought of when I started reading.

Image: http://static.pokato.net/2011-04-26-13-00-14326432946.jpg

So much for hoping Twilight becomes an evil overlord of Everfree Forest.

lol

Wait a sec....(goes out for a while)

HAEHAHEHAHEAHEHAHEAHEHOAHEOAHEOHAOEHOAHEOHAEOHAOEHOAHEOHEHAHHAHHAHEOHAHEOA

HAEHAHEHAHEAHEHAHEAHEHOAHEOAHEOHAOEHOAHEOHAEOHAOEHOAHEOHEHAHHAHHAHEOHAHEOA

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goes back in "I KNEW IT!!!"

I have no idea what this has to do with anything, but it was funny as hell.

Before this paragraph: "'Cracked, stumped, befuddled, confounded.... She drove every single one of them to insanity. One of them nearly ripped his ears off in a effort to shut out her voice. We found him the next morning, huddled in a corner, mumbling to himself, begging for his mommy,' sentenced the orderly with a grave look." my calculations that it was pinkie were approximately 90% after said paragraph they were 99% and after this one: "'Don't worry. You'll be fine as long as you stick to your instruction' the orderly interrupted him before his imagination could wander off too far. 'Just don't answer her questions, don't talk to her, don't listen to her, don't even look at her, and for Celestia's sake, whatever you do, don't accept any requests she makes or agree to any promises, understood?' he concluded placing emphasis on that last sentence.as they reached an iron door with bars on the window." there was no way it was anypony else

I knew what was coming the second I read the chapter title, and I loved every second of it.  

>>196363196363

well then.....my OC might be able to help twi...even though there is the entire different dimen....wait... i fergot my OC is like pinkie....can break the 4th wall and interdimensional travel

I'd predicted it was pinkie pie when they were walking to the room, but by the time he had mentioned not making any promises, I was absolutely sure.

Halfway done with the 5th chapter (1504 words in it so far). I hope to upload it soon for everyone's viewing pleasure, in the meantime I can't believe how the story just began unfolding itself into my head. I hope all you guys are prepared for an epic journey, cuz we're just starting baby!

EDIT: it just came to my attention that colts and fillies are young ponies, whereas stallions and mares are old ponies. Gonna have to go back and fix that in each chapter :/

Is it strange if I had a premotion that it would be the psycho pink party pony in the cell?

Ah crap! I'm fresh out of names for military personnel! Can anypony here suggest a few names for privates? (No, not those kind of privates you sick, sick ponies!) You know? Like "Top Brass" and more military related stuff? (not that Top Brass ever sounded like a private's name, as much as it did a General's name, but meh).

There's always "Buttercup".

here's a list of ones i just thought of off the top of my head; Aim High, Thunder Bolt, Sly Watch, Last Line, maybe a few others...

>>199918199918 Aim High! That's a really good one! I think I can start writing chapter 6 now....

feel like story is moving a bit slow

>>199929199929 I greatly appreciate your feedback and though I don't think that this story could quite live up to the lengths of Tolkien or Rowling's books, I do plan on making it long hence why I'm spending so much time creating the setting. I mean, I have the plot fully developed in my brain and most of the details as well, but I can't just overlook some information and leave stuff unexplained until the last chapter. I know not much is happening right now with so many little things popping up here and there, but they're all part of the narrative. Bear in mind that this is an adventure/suspense/mystery novel and so I can't just take things for granted, or else it will get confusing later on. An example of this are the characters I've created to justify the hypothesis that Twilight is the culprit: the commander and the D.A.

If I were to just tell you who the culprit was and how they did it, then you would find yourself quickly bored with the story. However if I made it easy enough for Twilight to uncover the truth after a day's searching, then it wouldn't be realistic as you would be left wondering why in Equestria didn't everypony realize she was innocent to begin with?! This is a highly dangerous and intelligent criminal we're talking about: they didn't just leave a whole bunch of evidence lying around for everypony to see! Nor is the number one most wanted pony in Equestria going to just waltz into Canterlot wearing a Sherlock Holmes attire and be allowed to investigate to her heart's content. Furthermore she had to have some time for herself in the earlier chapters, seeing how her closest friends abandoned her (hence the name for the story).

If anything I can assure you that the next chapters will be more action packed (starting with the 6th) as right now we're starting to get into the plan that will allow Twilight to behave less like a simple fugitive, and more like a detective pony out to find the truth.

"Both of them stood there for what seemed an eternity, until slowly but surely, the lips of the creature began curving into an obscene smile as she revealed two rows of perfectly even, pearly white teeth. And when she spoke, her shrill singsong voice filling the whole room, every fiber in his very being screamed out in rejection"

Image: http://media.ign.com/games/image/article/738/738102/gaijin4koma_peersblog_1200684654.jpg

"Oh god this is going to be a straight copy and paste job. Hannibal Lector ponies indeed, what is this cop-out bullshi-"

"Hi there, I'm Pinkie Pie! Who are you?"

Image: http://i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/283/gaijin4koma2_peersblog_1200684608.jpg

It's not moving slow. That was an awesome chapter anyways.

Well, guess I should leave some actual feedback.

What I've noticed is that your Spike is a little borked in this story. I'm having trouble imagining the little guy's voice when I read him saying things like "I wasn't too sure myself when I came up with the idea but it worked out quite nicely" (I would have thought Spike would make some wisecrack at the soldiers expense, what you have seems like something Twilight would say) or "I haven't had a bite all day long" (I can only imagine him simply grumbling to himself that he's starved) or even "The entrance is somewhat narrow" (That's what she said, fnar. But seriously I think that the words are a bit too long, you know. I can't imagine Spike saying "Somewhat Narrow"! He should totally be smug and self-congratulatory, telling Twilight just what a great idea he had, picking a place where nothing built larger than a pony could get in, and how she's lucky to have a smart guy like him to save the day).

As well as this, I think the other great flaw is a large amount of Said Bookism. Ponies thunder and demand and intervene and suggest and avow and inquire and insist and reply and interject, but I can't actually find anybody just saying anything, at least in this chapter. Some of it is also pretty redundant, like this sentence:

"Colt damnit! Now of all times.... I had just found a lead on the fugitive's whereabouts and was just heading over there to capture her!" lied the commander hoping to be spared from yet another long meeting with a couple of infuriating no-good bureaucrats.

We already know he's lying!  Also this sentence is a good example of a reason you should try to pick up a certain habit: Show, don't tell. Make the reader imagine how a long meeting with no-good bureaucrats flashes across his mind, his face when he tells the lie, his acidic and annoyed tone of voice, his angry stare. These are all the things I would imagine the guy would be doing but for all I know he could be pulling a great big fat poker face and being all calm and smooth to the messenger.

I'm not going to be a dick about these though, this is (probably) something you do for fun, and like you said; you're not competing with J.R.R Tolkien here. It's an interesting and original premise and I tracked it for that reason. Good show!

>>200814200814 That's some pretty constructive feedback you gave me there. I'm going to try to bear all that in mind next chapters, though I might have a problem fighting against Said Bookism. I'll still try my best!

>>199923199923 really? that's just my flight motto for the AFROTC guys i hang out with. Glad I could help!

wait ive read all 5 capters and im stll confused is celestia dead or not

>>201323201323 She's in a coma as mentioned in chapter two, and hinted to be alive all throughout as it was "an attempt on the Princess' life"

Give me a moment to fetch my sledge hammer from my tool shed......

Wish i could help twilight in this (But its fictional )

JOKING

But to me, This pony: is no.2 in my list so NO ONE MESS WITH HER

and story wise, I kind of think that the other five were slightly out of character.

Because, Why were they so easily convinced? I'm sure they had a ton of doubt in their minds.

@insightguy speaking of doubts in your mind, I'm starting to doubt my sanity. I just woke up from the weirdest, bucking dream ever in which I was several people at once: including myself, naruto, a security guard, and a professional Starcraft 2 player. I won't get into any details but I think that dream is the very definition of why crossovers are overrated.

"I'm hoping she doesn't mind us borrowing all these," said Spike, his legs shaking under the weight of all the clothes he'd picked up.

Can't wait for things to really start happening.

ΔΓ

>>199996199996

u make logical sense... my head hurts.

Of course... psychotic, high-handed guards who want to take justice into their own hands. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

i like this guy because he puts out new chapters alot faster than other fanfict writers

*SPOILER*

Holy shit, I killed him. I can't believe I killed him. Why did I do that ._. ?

*END SPOILER*

Just laid down to sleep when I was told of the update... It's not like I was doing anything important

What a twist!

HELL YEAH!

No one messes with twilight!

Twilight needs to get (or if this is a super talented variation of her, create) a stun, paralyze, or sleep spell to disable those chasing her.

Cliche bad pony monologue for the win!

>>216171216171 i know it keeps geting better dont it

>>216673216673 Eeyup!

turtle turlte turlte turltle

>>217110217110 tortoise* tortoise* tortoise* tortoise*

Sorry about the delay guys. Been helping my sister with her travel arrangements, as she's moving back to my mom's soon. Hope the latest chapter is to your liking!

That's must've been fun to write.

ΔΓ

I thought they stabbed her in the back (figuratively, of course!).

Oh well... Looking forward to more...

>>230653230653 You mean Zecora ? Well, I certainly won't say it was easy, but I pulled it off just fine

>>230659230659 They had their doubts, as they must at first. But they're Twilight's friends after all. Though I don't plan to have them meet for a loooooooong time

zecora was hiding twilight and/or knew where twilight was?

My best guess is that Celestia told Twilight something of the possible plot against her, she went a little crazy with worry over it and the Mane6 caught wind somehow. They acted the way they needed too, but are still on Twilight's side. Though... Twilight doesn't seem to know this?

Maybe some logic breaks?

i would have not said i go to celibrateions or that i only leave on mondays he would have not figured out anything without that info

>>230613230613 it dident take that long u still post more chapters faster than other fanfict writers

>>231380231380 Oh but you would have! That's a prosecutor does: he asks about a hundred different questions, that have no seemingly relation to each other in order to build up a case against you, hinging on the smallest details you give him. And the more you try to hold back, the more evident it is that you're hiding something.

>>231999231999 ................never thought about it that way...........I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!!!!!!

Paragraphs are too long, I see places where you can split them.

It's a good effort, though from the first chapter it felt like Storm Chaser has a personal vendetta against Twilight. Unless he was actually behind it all, all his anger just feels superficial/unjustified. (Like he has too much anger) Generally in anime those in the Royal Gaurd tend to have a more stoic demeanor.

>>234282234282 Well I was getting the gist of writing during the first chapters so there are a lot of grammar errors and whatnot. As for Storm Chaser... read chapter 7

HOW THE HELL, DO YOU RHYME SO WELL?

oh that rhymes!

most fanfict writers take 1-2 weeks to put out 1 new chapter u put out 2or3 chapters every coupple of days u are the fastest fanfict writer on this site

>>237826237826 here's to hoping the quality lives up to that of the guys who take time refining their work

>>237826237826The writer of "Monster" (I think his user name is BlackWing) would sometimes pop out two chapters in one day.

At least, I think he has lol.

pretty good keep it up hopefully the pace doesnt burn you out tho. grand job and no your doing a fine job when it comes to vocab and grammer very few if any mistakes and the quality is good.

i am thoroughly enjoying how this is starting to come together. i do have a few questions however.

1) will we ever learn if Celestia will regain enough of herself to be seen in the story? even if only as a bit part to show 'oh, hay. she does regain consciousness!'.

2)  will we have any explanation of what Luna has been up too?

3) will we ever learn the play of events that lead up to the attempted assassination? lots of key things can be hidden in that.

Gun powder isn't hard to make.  Maybe they're shipping the constituents?

ΔΓ

>>263689263689

It was mentioned by the guard captain that Luna is negotiating with the Griffons. See the chapter in which he dies.

He never says it directly, but I am guessing that the D.A. believes that Twilight was framed now.  Although, I could also see him thinking that she was involved, but the others in the plot let her take the fall.  Either way, it is nice to see that Silver Tongue is actually doing his job as a D.A. instead of making assumptions.

>>264245264245

while there was that tiny mention of where Luna was, an what she was doing during that... i am reasonably certain that Celestia and Luna have something of a sixth sense for how the other is doing. ... if Celestia is hurt bad enough to be unconscious, wouldn't Luna sense that some how?

THEN there is that fact, WHO is putting up the Sun and the Moon at night if Celestia is not awake and active enough to be doing so? if Celestia isn't doing it, and Luna has not retaken her mantle as Mistress of the night.. then Who has the power to raise the Sun and the Moon and keep Luna from suspecting anything is amiss?

>>263689263689

1- Yes

2- Yes

3- And yes

As for who is putting up the sun and the moon it is safe to assume that it is Luna. Not going to go into details of her doing it or knowing about the fate of her sister at the moment: I'll let you draw your own assumptions as chapters come along. Don't want to spoil a good ending :P

>>264431264431

Luna breaking of negotiations would look bad, especially if the Griffs found out there is trouble in Equestria. It might goad them to make war.

>>264874264874

i agree that breaking off the negotiations would look VERY very bad. keeping a weakness of the leadership away from a potential threat of war would be paramount. Luna would without a doubt know and understand this. there is however one very key way that could all fall apart, and we do not know if it truly is a necessary part of the act of raising the Sun.

Celestia in canon depictions has always been shown as rising WITH her sun at Dawn, one can reasonably and logically conclude that Luna must do the same when she raises the Moon and Stars at Dusk. All it takes for the subterfuge of hiding a weakness of leadership from the gryphons is for them to see Luna in the dusk and dawn moments when she raises and lowers each celestial body.

so reasonably, Luna would not HAVE to break off negotiations at all for there to be major negotiation problems with the Gryphons. they would only need to see that Luna is doing what Celestia has been known to have been doing for the last one thousand years.

>>265333265333

We only see Celestia do it during a festival celebrating the sun, of course it would be showy then. Besides, if Unicorns once did it I doubt they flew up to do it.

>>265366265366

excellent that you pointed both of those out. i HAD forgotten that the only canon depiction of Celestia was during the Solar Sun Festival. Showmareship would without a doubt have been played up.

i had also forgotten that Unicorns had done the deed in countless centuries past, as we learned in Hearths Warming Eve.

i'm starting to feel a little silly for forgetting those things.

when he said stormchaser was behind it i was like than he said no and and i was like OH COME ON its like when ur low on heath in a zelda game u break a jar u see a fairy come out and guss what IT FADES INTO THE WALL

Oh God, I need moar coffee......been writting for 7 hours

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Wait....... this might not end so bad after all! (the previous chapter, silly me...... he's gonna help! )

Yea, but he'll probably make them sweat some more first.

I think Silver Tongue is going to have to much fun with this.