Secrets untold
****IMPORTANT UPDATE*****
I know that many of you are unhappy with the constant switching of people's views. From now on, THERE WILL BE ONLY 1 PERSPECTIVE PER CHAPTER if there is any at all. At the top it will announce whether it's 3rd person, or whose perspective. thanks.
I ALSO NEED A PRE-READER EXTREMELY BADLY. PLEASE CONTACT ME IF YOU CAN. I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE NO EXPERIENCE, JUST PLEASE SOMEPONY PRE-READ FOR ME!!! THANKS!
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3rd Person
Edward watched as the so-called Princess Celestia descended from the sky. She looked horrifyingly familiar. But who was she? Edward thought quite quickly, And why did she see us at the Gate? And more importantly, how did she know what the gate was?!
The same exact thoughts flowed through Alphonse's mind.
"Mr. Edward Elric I presume?" Celestia said, while landing in front of him.
Oh come on, wings? What's next, a pony with wings and a horn? Edward thought, scowling at the figure before him. He studied her more carefully. Oh. he thought. She did have wings and a horn.
"Yeah, that's me," Edward snarled, staring down the regal figure before him. " What do you want?"
"I'm afraid you are going to have to come with us." Luna said, suddenly appearing from behind Celestia.
"Two of them?" Al gaped at the sight of the second alicorn.
Celestia turned to Twilight. "Did you not receive my letter Twilight? Or did you decided to disobey your teacher?" She said with a slight snarl.
Twilight backed up, unsure of what was happening. "P-p-princess?" She croaked out. Suddenly she was blinded by a flash of light, and had a bad headache. "Wha-what?" She looked around. She was in her library, tied up on the floor. Next to her was that one Edward and Alphonse called Winry. She was tied up too. What the buck? Twilight thought as she blacked out.
Meanwhile at the edge of the Everfree Forest, two unicorns were trying to figure out what had just happened. "She was, wha, she just, disappeared?" Ed choked out. He wasn't quite sure if he was more upset that Winry disappeared or that Twilight disappeared. I've just met her now and I feel like I've known her forever... He notes.
Suddenly Celestia stomps her hoof down, sending out a shockwave. "You two, come with me, now." She snarls at the two.
"Brother, what is happening?" Al asks him from his stance across the path.
"I'm not sure Al, just hang on and I'll figure out a way to get out of he-AGH!" Ed screams. Pictures of a bakery invade his mind, filling his every thought with the images of the room. Suddenly his horn starts to tingle, and it begins glowing.
"Al?!" Ed calls, now extremely worried. “What’s going on with my horn?" Suddenly everything transitions to white. He hears faint screams in the background, and his head hurts like, well, like fuck. "Al?" He calls groggily to the whiteness. "Where-d you go?” He calls, slipping into unconsciousness.
“Brother? No! What’s happening?” Al screamed at his brother who was being engulfed by a bluish haze, which seemed to begin at his brother’s horn. Al then heard a pop and his brother, metal limbs and all, had disappeared.
All he could do was stare. This wasn’t supposed to happen... I drew the array, I must have messed up! And now Brother and Winry are gone. And that nice girl named Twilight. We were supposed to have our bodies back by now! This is my fault... Al thought, while feeling depressed.
He looked up at the white alicorn. “You took my brother...” He said, glaring as best he could.
Celestia just smiled. “Oh no, your brother chose to teleport away from here. He fled from us,” She said with a queer smile, “and from you.”
Al backed up, horrified, “Brother would never do that!”
Celestia smiled again. “Are you sure?” She smiled even greater at the sight of Al shaking. “Are you sure that he doesn’t blame you for why you’re here? Are you positive?”
Al backed up into a tree, close to the edge of whatever form of tears he could cry. “Stop, p-please.”
The smaller alicorn emerged from behind Celestia and addressed her sister. “Sister, why are you acting this way? The colt has committed no crime.”
Celestia just stood and stared at the boy before her. Luna rolled her eyes and turned to the sobbing unicorn before her. “Get up child, we’re going to Canterlot.”
The tin pony cowered away and hid behind the tree.
Luna smiled. “You’re just a filly aren’t you? No more than 9 or 10 hmm?” Her horn started to glow and soon Al felt a sharp pain in his head. Then a blinding light. And then, he blacked out.
***************
Twilight groaned and sat up, her head hurting quite badly.
That tended to happen when the Princess turned into her own version of Nightmare Moon and used magic. Teleportation hurt.
Twilight sighed again. Ever since she was a filly, she noticed that whenever Equestria had, erh, peculiar “visitors,” Celestia turned into her own tamer version of Nightmare Moon. She wanted to cause pain, to destroy families at the seams. To rip apart the special bond friends share, and puncture it with 1000 knives. Luckily, Luna knew how to handle her. Twilight chuckled again and stood up, her back aching. As she rose, she felt something slide off her back.
Spike. Whoops.
Luckily the purple dragon was still blacked out, so Twilight picked him up and put him in his bed. She looked at the clock.
9:45 p.m.
Sheesh, Twilight thought to herself, how long have I been ou-”Woah!” Twilight yelled to herself, tripping over an unknown pony lying on her floor. She recovered from her fall quite quickly, and picked up a bat, ready to fight off the offending intruder.
“Oh man, my headdd...” The pony called.
Oh, it was just Winry.
The light grey sat up and flipped her choppy blond mane out of her eyes. She blinked at Twilight.
“Uh... Hello.” Twilight offered.
“Hey....” Winry said quite cheerfully, considering the circumstances. "What happened?"
"The Princess had a rough night." Twilight offers.
"Oh, i don't remember anything after I met you and Spike!" She adds, with genuine enthusiasm. " It's nice to finally meet you."
“It’s nice to meet you too” Twilight said, looking at the pony with a slight bit of confusion, considering Winry had picked up a wrench.
“So, you got any books on automail?"
What the buck is automail?
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Edward groaned and rolled over. He was comfortable, and felt like he didn’t want to get up. So soft, he murmured to himself. Then from behind him, he heard giggling. Probably just Winry or Al or something.. He thought, rolling over to go back to sleep. Except there was no bed to roll over on. There was a 4-foot drop to the floor though.
Thump.
The giggling halted.
Edward groaned again and blinked a few times, but his vision was still blurred. “Al?” He asked the shape that stood above him. “That you? I didn’t know you had pink hair now..”
“Al?” A curiously happy voice called. A curiously happy female voice. “My names not Al. But it could be! Or Dal! Or Mal! or Pal! Or, hmm ooh ooh I know! Dal! Wait, I already said that....”
Edward blinked again, and his vision finally cleared. And what he saw staring at him he did NOT expect.
A pink pony with a bright pink mane was smiling at him, and on each side of her was a littler pony. A baby maybe? Ed considered. No time for that now. Just attack and run. Yeah, that’s it.
Suddenly his thoughts were interrupted by mad giggling. He shot up and almost tackled the guffawing pink pony when he realized what they were laughing at.
He was covered in flour from head to toe.
He nearly snapped right then. It would be so easy, no one would ever know who took the life of the precarious pink pony who laughed at his misfortune.
But when he saw the kids, they reminded him of what him and Al had gone through.
If that’s their mother, he thinks, than I don’t want to make them go through the same thing me and Al did.
Ed sighed and sat down again, his brain flooding with memories.
All old memories, until he remembered those form the day before.
Winry... Al...
The plan! Of course! Winry and Al took that unicorn and were going to grill her for information! And me coming her was somehow part of the plan! Yeah, that was it... Good old Al and Winry... But why can't I remember what the unicorn looked like? Or her name?
Ed looked up and saw the earth pony staring at him. Her mane was deflated at the sight of Ed’s saddened face. She looked down at her hooves.
“I’m sorry... “ She choked out, tears streaming down her pink face.” I didn’t mean to make you so sad...”
Ed felt heat rise to his cheeks. “No no it wasn’t you! It was, uh, my hoof! I stubbed it! Heh...”
The pony’s mane still lay flat.
Ed sighed. Why do I feel like I'm going to regret this? He thinks. “Hello, my name is Edward Elric. You can call me Ed.”
The pony’s mane slightly rose at that. “ My name’s Pinkie Pie. And you’re new here aren’t you....” She adds, her mane inflating slightly more.
“Yeah...” Ed replies, slightly cautious.
“Then we need to THROW YOU A PARRR-TAY!” She exclaims, her mane poofed back up to the normal size.
Ed just stared at the pony. No one had thrown him a party in years. Not since he was with her (his mom). And it wasn’t even his birthday.
Pinkie smiled at him. “You know Mr. Ed, there is something different about you... I can’t place my hoof on it..” She said with a devilish grin. “I know what it is!” She said, bounding off the walls with glee.
Ed laughed at her enthusiasm. “ Yeah, what’s that?” He asked, warming up to the party pony’s antics and hospitality.
“You’re so tall!”
Yeah, Ed was going to like his next few days here.
***********
Alphonse sat in the cell waiting for the small alicorn to return from her meeting with her recovering older sister.
“578, 579, 580” He announced, throwing a rock at the wall for the 580th time.
“Where is she?” He asked himself.
“She is right here, and She has a name. It’s Luna.” The blue pony announced from behind him.
Al turned around to see her standing there, with her blue mane fluttering from behind her. She nodded at the guards who trotted over to Al’s cell and opened it.
“Come with me please.” She said, beckoning for him to follow her out the door. Once Al caught up with her, she started talking again. “I'm terribly sorry for your arrangements last night, but my sister would not rest unless you stayed in the cells. It seems that whenever some pony from another land visits, she changes into a rage filled demon who seeks to destroy the special bonds of love friends and families share.” Al listened silently, absorbing every word. Luna continued,” She has returned to her normal state and has requested to see you.”
Al nodded and kept listening.
Luna turns to him and keeps talking, “I bet you are wondering a great deal about where you are, and where your friends are, no?,” Upon seeing Al’s nod, she continues hastily. “You are in Equestria, home of the ponies. There are 4 types of ponies, unicorns, pegasus, earth, and alicorn. I see you managed to inherit the unicorn gene.” She adds, nodding towards his horn before continuing. “When you preformed your process of “alchemy”, you somehow managed to connect to my sister and I’s minds, and you filled our dreams with your adventure to Equestria. My sister and I do know about you humans, and we assure you that your secret is safe with us. However, we are unsure of your “alchemy”. We do have somepony who can help you, and you did meet her last night. Twilight Sparkle is her name. She is by far the most talented unicorn I know, and her magic even exceeds my sister and I’s. “ Luna pauses for a second as her and Al walk down the halls. “We have arrived. I shall finish this conversation with you later.” And with that, she leaves.
Al stares at her, dumbfounded. Twilight? The pony Brother, Winry and I were going to attack and demand information? I guess she was a useful source. But maybe she’ll cooperate. I hope so. I hate fighting. He adds, before opening the large doors that lay before him.
“Hello Alphonse Elric.” calls a voice from inside.
“Princess Celestia, it is an honor to meet you in your normal state.” He says, bowing.
“Please come in,” She says with a laugh, and Al obliges. Once the door is shut behind him, he turns to the princess who sits on a couch.
She smiles at him, a warm motherly smile. “Mr. Elric,”
“Yes, Miss Celestia?”
Her face grows serious. Al braces himself. “I am afraid to tell you that I have no idea where your brother and your friend are.”
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well this chapter sucked shit. sorry yawl. I’ll do better i pwomise!.. and please don’t destroy my rating if you don’t know what fma is and you’re upset. on the other foot,
rate/comment/track/watch please!
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Well this chapter was a lot easier to follow; not sure about the whole attacking Twilight for info thing, Ed maybe since he could be looking for someone-or-thing to blame for what just happened but Al and Winry would be OC to the extrem. Celestia's little psychotic episode is fine as is your reason behind it. Overall I'd say the story is looking good.
Princess is a moth a fuckin bitch
Not bad. I quite like the 3rd person perspective; it flows better with this story
Pinkie and Edward? I'm gonna like this, aren't I?
-Glassed
I would have no problem becoming a proofreader for your stories
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okay i just picked ya'll out because you didnt like a few things.
BUT I TOOK YOUR CONSIDERATIONS AND FIXED EM!
1. First Chapter is ALL 3RD PERSON!
2. Winry isn't violent anymore. She's cool. And she doesn't hit Spike anymore.
3. It's now explained why they went with Twilight. It was raining. And Ed WAS bleeding. But we shall find out why later brahs. Please leave your newfound complaints/errors in le comments.
Read the revised chapter 1, looking good. Thanks for making those changes it really made it easier to follow the story.
.........Celestia is talking bull.
...this makes no sense. The perspective keeps shifting, people are acting out of character, and everything is rushing by too fast.
"Oh, I don't remember anything after I met you and Spike!"
...Too OOC. Like, fave, and ragequit.
2060024 Geez it's like pointing out. Errors ,is your Jo! or sumthang•
I like. More story now.