How we ended up here in Equestria is beyond me.
However its better here than where we came from. Or so i thought.
There seems to be criminal ponies in Ponyville...
It dosn't matter, because me & my friends will be there to help.
(Please comment)
Page generated in 0.161 seconds
Total duration
1,079 users online
2,323,166 hits today, 2,151,698 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Not sure on how to live in Equestria? Well then, read this!
*Hands the Humans Guide to Life in Equestria*
Read it and arm yourself with knowledge!
Jk, this was interesting, there are some errors but thats okay! 4 stars.
207314
What errors?
BY THE WAY, it took me all week to type this.
You don't often see HiE stories in which the humans adopt pony orphans. (Strokes stubble-beard.) Interesting, I think that I may need to track this story.
Now I get the cover picture.
*sees human names*
izit.org/sites/izit.org/files/1329697955565.jpg?1329704508
And then all hell broke loose.
I ran out of fics to read :(
I've always believed in becoming involved with others when they show an interest in what you do. Thank you for the Favorite and follow.
Now, to criticize! I'm so sorry for the wall of text that is about to follow. Know that my heart is with you. I do this out of love.
Oh man. You are obviously very eager to write a story. And that is a good thing! But! There are some major improvements that you could make that would help you out immensely.
-Characters and how you portray them. Ditch the pictures, use descriptions instead. You told us that you aren't so good at descriptions, but you have to work at it! A picture is worth a thousand words, but we'd rather read them than see them. We'd also like to see introductions handled a bit better. Rather than introducing them as if we already know them, it might be better to let us get to know the characters through dialogue and actions, especially since you're writing OCs. Don't just tell us what a character is like, let the story show us that Tropic is a big, strong farmer. How do we know Meadow is nervous? She hasn't really acted that way.
-Point-Of-View (POV) is a very important tool. It can make or break your story. First person is an easy one to write, because it lets you tell the story through the eyes of a character and what they notice. The key here is that if you are going to tell a first-person story, it needs to stay within the realm of what your characer knows. It's okay to go third person like when you explored Twilight and her friends, but the first person segments need to stay first person. You actually didn't do anything out of person, but just be carefull.
-Plot (*snort*)
Ahem, Plot, as in the actual 'Story'. You rushed into it way too fast. I'm sorry to say that I was confused as I read because you didn't offer explanations to anything that happened. It satrts in the introduction and continues throughout your work. Why were you bullied? 'Old friends?' Sucked through a portal? All of those things are fine, but they need to be explained. Why something happens is just as important as the actual event. Even simple explanations, though cliche, will work. 'My friends and I are bronies, so people pick on us. we were ealking to a job interview and a portal opened up, sucking us through to Equestria.' Tie Luna's spell into how they ended up there. Maybe it was a portal spell to let her enter other worlds, but she messed up. (Ugh, so cliche, but still.) Don't rush into the meat of the story if you're telling it right from the beginning. We need setting and background. Sugar and Spice and everything Nice.
Also, please od not force feed us conflict that is so promptly resolved. Tootsie Flute and Chilly Wind. Too. Fast. Hurry up and slow down the story. It will help immensely.
Also, also, I get you're trying to set stuff up with the whole 'Zen somehow knows Zecora', but again, too fast. Which brings us to our next exciting battle! ->
-Pacing. Hot Dang, your story moves fast. With no descriptions given, even of the areas they're in (setting), the story moves way too fast. Pacing is a big pet peeve of mine. You have to give a story time to sink in, let us feel, let us love it. Don't just fill up the thing with purple prose, but at least give us time to think about it. Even the best story will be unreadable if it goes to fast or too slow. You are going lightspeed, man. Slow down, please.
-Grammar and Syntax and a whole other boatload of Writing issues. I noticed some comma issues, incomplete sentences, no punctuation, etc. Some of this can be fixed with Spellcheck, if you are using Microsoft Word. Otherwise, Google search is your best friend. Dictionary.com is cool, too. If you don't know how to use a semicolon, look it up online.
"This is Fluttershy she gets nervous meeting other ponies." SEMICOLON TIME!!!!!!
Also, please please please!
PLEASE! Make a new paragraph for dialogues. You actually connect some dialogues correctly with commas, like Pinkie's lines. But then you do Rainbow Dash wrong.Consistancy is the best type of -ancy!
Lastly because I am getting tired, and can't spell properly right now:
-Awkwardness. The story reads very awkwardly, like a brony's wet dream fantasy about being transported into Equestria. Celestia just gives three aliens a list of what to do when they arrive? Meet the mane six? Protect Ponyville?
That last one could be feasable, if you built up to it. Actually, all of them (except the adoption) could be feasable if you built up to them. As it stands now, nothing makes sense.
TL;DR
My EYES!
Tropic reminds me of a certain red stallion.
So far very good, and I love how Celestia and Luna are being nice and kind to the three strangers and not being afraid or acting hostile towards them. 
Love the pictures. You/Zoom is just like Twilight, except with glasses and a stallion. Tropic Forest no doubt is just like Big Macintosh, and Meadow is like Fluttershy and Rarity in a way. Also, Zen could maybe be related to Zecora?! And Chilly Wind and Sky are adorable!