Well, since you're a part of Author's Helping Authors...
Name of Story: What You Can't Tell Anypony Else, or Rumble's Reluctance Grammar score out of 10: 9 Pros: 1) Pacing - I always point this out in stories that do pacing well. The story doesn't drag on, and it doesn't jump the gun either. Even though you have events happen fast, it's done so in a way that fits the story and gives atmosphere. It's done very well in this case. 2) Rumble - Great job of writing out his character. Made him come off as real and believable. The little details like trying to remember Scootaloo's name was very a nice touch. 3) Detail - Loved the details you put in this story. Rumble's whole experience with Scootaloo, his time in class, just a lot of thought put into this story and it shows quite well. Cons: 1) Scootaloo - Unless you write more on this story, Scootaloo is going to come off as really weird and out of character. Just, jarringly out of character. But I get the feeling you either have something in mind to explain the sudden interest she shows in Rumble, or you just felt like seeing her be the dom. As the story stands now, she's really the only weak part in this story. 2) ... there isn't anything else I could think of mentioning as a con. The story is pretty solid.
Notes: I'm sure some people are going to find this story to be hot as hell. I wasn't one of them though - I can't fap to that. But the story is well written, and at least for me, I thought it came off using sex to further the story, unlike a lot of clop stories on here. I could be wrong, but that's how it came off to me. This certainly deserves an up-vote.
I don't really know what I just read. I'll follow it to see if it clears up a little later on, but I have to agree with the review guy when he said this wasn't fap material for him. Just felt off.
Despite your ferocious joking that raped my eyes I thought this was overall good. I like the risque direction you're going in, and I shall continue reading. Nice job!
Right out of the gate I can see a major problem, and a lot of authors tend to do this. You slow down the pacing by putting too much detail trying to set up the scene. I didn't need three paragraphs to tell me that Rumble was bored and hot. It just slows down the pacing and makes it feel that much less interesting.
On that same note, using that to start out your story creates somewhat of an opposite of a hook, making me not really want to get into it.
Another problem is the line between the narrator and rumbles thoughts, that there isn't one sometimes. For example, if it's third person and not limited, you and the audience know scootaloo's name, you don't need to make up a new name every time to remind us that rumble doesn't know her name, we already know that.
On the sex scene, me and foalcon have never really been friends. It was a bit dull with some of the thoughts, but I've seen worse.
The last problem is that nothing really made me want to read into it anymore. Nothing urged me onto the next chapter to see what happens next. I dont want to call it boring, but I don't want to call it anything special either.
First, in the first couple of paragraphs, you use highly stylish language, almost artistic. (Phrases like 'the one-room place where he was bored to tears on an annual basis' or 'the domain of an overenthusiastic heater, that turned his surroundings into a prepubescent boiler room') Nothing wrong with that of course, but the lack of such imagery the rest of the chapter makes this seem out of place.
Second, the idea that Rumble can't remember three of his classmates names is stretching the imagination. The town isn't that big, and neither is the class, the idea that he might not now at least the names of the girls is hard to believe.
Lastly, the 'names' for Scootaloo, an attempt at humor falls flat after it quickly grows old. Almost none of them even sound like real names, making it go from a plausible idea to straight out absurd.
These are really the only things I find wrong, and I really had to pull out my most critical pair of reading glasses to find this much. Honestly, none of these things really bother me, but you asked, and I delivered. If you want, I can keep going through each chapter, but it is going to be pretty intermittent.
[img]file:///C:/Users/Owner/Desktop/4chan/1363991532337.jpg[/img] Thank you sir, may I have another?
2327381
1-media-cdn.foolz.us/ffuuka/board/m/image/1336/70/1336704336202.png
Moar. oh and BOING
WOW! That was quite well written!
2327396 Couldn't find pic online. Was too lazy. :p
Oh no, Scootarape.
Really nice. I sort of wish there had been more dialog between the two before Scootaloo tried doing her thing, but it was a fun read regardless.
Moar pl0x?
Epic, I cannot with stand the craziness at the name guessing. :rainbowlaugh
Overall, I liked it very much. Although, the much of 'The Sex' parts amuses me.... a bit. But, nice chapter, I THEE SAY MAKE MORE!
I enjoy your weird sense of humor
Awww, little clueless Rumble is so cute! Also 'Scuntajoo' is my new favourite word. Thumbs up! more please.
I need another helping.
WHAT'S TO BE SORRY ABOUT MAN!
fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/256/0/5/i_ain__t_even_mad_by_faikie-d5ejdaz.png
Well, since you're a part of Author's Helping Authors...
Name of Story: What You Can't Tell Anypony Else, or Rumble's Reluctance
Grammar score out of 10: 9
Pros:
1) Pacing - I always point this out in stories that do pacing well. The story doesn't drag on, and it doesn't jump the gun either. Even though you have events happen fast, it's done so in a way that fits the story and gives atmosphere. It's done very well in this case.
2) Rumble - Great job of writing out his character. Made him come off as real and believable. The little details like trying to remember Scootaloo's name was very a nice touch.
3) Detail - Loved the details you put in this story. Rumble's whole experience with Scootaloo, his time in class, just a lot of thought put into this story and it shows quite well.
Cons:
1) Scootaloo - Unless you write more on this story, Scootaloo is going to come off as really weird and out of character. Just, jarringly out of character. But I get the feeling you either have something in mind to explain the sudden interest she shows in Rumble, or you just felt like seeing her be the dom. As the story stands now, she's really the only weak part in this story.
2) ... there isn't anything else I could think of mentioning as a con. The story is pretty solid.
Notes: I'm sure some people are going to find this story to be hot as hell. I wasn't one of them though - I can't fap to that. But the story is well written, and at least for me, I thought it came off using sex to further the story, unlike a lot of clop stories on here. I could be wrong, but that's how it came off to me. This certainly deserves an up-vote.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Friendship has a Generous Heart
MORE PLZ
Intriguing. Not sure why Scoots went that route.
so much for the down votes
2331275 Oh shit
66 up, 6 down
666
Oh
SHIT
2332125 You'll hate me for this, but they're pretty much show age. Later chapters will have better context for Scootaloo's weird behavior.
Interesting. Proceed!
I don't really know what I just read. I'll follow it to see if it clears up a little later on, but I have to agree with the review guy when he said this wasn't fap material for him. Just felt off.
Daaaaaaamn... Daaaaaaaamn. Daaaaaaaamn! DAAAAAAAAAAAYUM! Liked, favorited, and followed!
Lmao most interesting clop story I have ever seen.
Despite your ferocious joking that raped my eyes I thought this was overall good. I like the risque direction you're going in, and I shall continue reading. Nice job!
Well, let's get started then.
Right out of the gate I can see a major problem, and a lot of authors tend to do this. You slow down the pacing by putting too much detail trying to set up the scene. I didn't need three paragraphs to tell me that Rumble was bored and hot. It just slows down the pacing and makes it feel that much less interesting.
On that same note, using that to start out your story creates somewhat of an opposite of a hook, making me not really want to get into it.
Another problem is the line between the narrator and rumbles thoughts, that there isn't one sometimes. For example, if it's third person and not limited, you and the audience know scootaloo's name, you don't need to make up a new name every time to remind us that rumble doesn't know her name, we already know that.
On the sex scene, me and foalcon have never really been friends. It was a bit dull with some of the thoughts, but I've seen worse.
The last problem is that nothing really made me want to read into it anymore. Nothing urged me onto the next chapter to see what happens next. I dont want to call it boring, but I don't want to call it anything special either.
Sorry this took me a few days, busy, busy, busy:
First, in the first couple of paragraphs, you use highly stylish language, almost artistic. (Phrases like 'the one-room place where he was bored to tears on an annual basis' or 'the domain of an overenthusiastic heater, that turned his surroundings into a prepubescent boiler room') Nothing wrong with that of course, but the lack of such imagery the rest of the chapter makes this seem out of place.
Second, the idea that Rumble can't remember three of his classmates names is stretching the imagination. The town isn't that big, and neither is the class, the idea that he might not now at least the names of the girls is hard to believe.
Lastly, the 'names' for Scootaloo, an attempt at humor falls flat after it quickly grows old. Almost none of them even sound like real names, making it go from a plausible idea to straight out absurd.
These are really the only things I find wrong, and I really had to pull out my most critical pair of reading glasses to find this much. Honestly, none of these things really bother me, but you asked, and I delivered. If you want, I can keep going through each chapter, but it is going to be pretty intermittent.
2327381 it doesn't work that way!
This story is certainly going to be... interesting. Not a bad interesting, mind you. It's a kind of good interesting.
I like this story so far, you've earned a like...for now
2425356 but I've seen you on many foal on stories
2329207 wicked picture sir, wickrd . Where did you find it?
Hmm sounds like a fun time.
That was both scary and... rather... hot. Not sure if they're aged up or not, though.
Oookaaay, seems to be foalcon! Alright. Okay. Diggin' it... kinda. Reading on.
Hoooooly shit, Badger.
But of course I'm going to read on.
Man, there sure are a lot of comments that seem to think this is a comedy, or a clopfic.
I knew fimfiction was dense but motherfucker
2619105
>you
>giving writing advice
made me laff m8
10 outta 10 would wank again