“DAMMIT!” yelled Ed the steel blade on his auto-mail arm flashing as it flew towards father.
Father just raised his hand in Ed’s direction and opened a portal not entirely sure where it led, however this had little relevance to him as Ed fell through the portal.
“BROTHER!” Cried Al “Bring him back! Bring him back now!”
Al Clapped and bought his hands down on the floor raising a spear from the ground and charged towards father, Father turned around the portal still in his hands and he threw it in Al’s direction
“Oh dear” thought Al as the world before him faded to blackness
“For the last time Pinkie ah don’t want another cake” grumbled Applejack
“But this one is super tasty special cake” Said the spring pink earth pony “it’s my first solo attempt at making an MMM”
“Well ah’m terribly sorry but you stuffed me full of every other kind ‘o cake in the shop!” Yelled Applejack
Just then Twilight walked in with Spike riding on her back sitting in the crevice between her wings, “sorry I don’t have much time to talk, I have so much to do today,” She said “I’ll just take a milkshake and cupcake to go”
“Can do Twilight” Said Pinkie hopping away
“How’s it goin’ Twi?” Asked Applejack
“Not very well I have two days, to finish my report on the harmony spell which turned me into an Alicorn in the first place, then I have to attend a wedding to read the vows because Princess Celestia is busy today, and Princess Luna is on an urgent errand for Princess Celestia, I don’t even know what I have to do at a wedding!” Panicked Twilight “I just have so much to do!”
“Here you go Twilight” Said Pinkie
“How much?” Asked Twilight
“Don’t’ you worry, Your Highness” said Mrs Cake, who was standing in the door through which Pinkie had just entered,
“But…” began Twilight”
“Don’t worry, Your Majesty” Said Mrs Cake,
“But…” Twilight Tried again
“Really My Dear, just take it” Said Mrs Cake “It’s the least we can do for the newest Princess of Equestria”
“Fine” Said Twilight defeated “Here you go Spike” And she passed him the cupcake and picked up the milkshake with her magic and began to drink as she left,
Out in the street Twilight turned to Spike, “I hate it when people treat me differently because I’m a princess now, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be Princess of yet,” she said dejectedly
“oh come on Twilight lighten up, it’s only the people who never really knew much about you before that are treating you differently” Said Spike attempting to cheer her up
“I suppose your right, Anyway I was wondering if you fancied coming to Fluttershy’s with me because I need her help with part of the report”
Ed fell to the floor before Truth,
“Welcome Edward Elric” Said Truth
“Why am I here? Am I… Dead?” asked Ed
“Not Yet” Said Truth “but you will be soon if you do not act fast”
“What do you mean?” Panicked Ed
“Open the gate, Edward Elric and pass through, for it is your only chance of survival” Stated Truth
“What do you mean?” Repeated Ed
“The one who calls himself Father has hit you with a portal, but it was not an ordinary portal it was, a magical portal that will…”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN MAGICAL!?” Yelled Ed, “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC!”
“Oh but there is, however if you do not pass the gate now this magic will kill you because your present body cannot hold the power,” said Truth
“Fine, but one last question” Said Ed trying to be calm
“And that is?” Asked Truth
“what do you mean my present body?” queried Ed
“all will make sense in time just pass through the gate and I shall meet you on the other side”
“Ok” Said Ed and walked firwards towards the gate and prised it open and small hands reached for him and began to take him apart by unravelling him from his feet up
“as long as this really does keep me alive” thought Ed as the last part of him unravelled
"AAHHHHHHHHHH" came a loud scream from the Carousel Boutique
"Oh my gosh that sounded like Rarity" said Twilight breaking into a gallop
Moments later Twilight and Spike crashed through the doors of the Boutique to find Rarity huddled in a corner, a large suit of strange looking armour and a small Alicorn colt lay on the floor in the centre of the room, the colt had strange looking armour plating on his front right leg and his rear left leg, it appeared to be of a similar style to the suit of armour.
"Are you OK Rarity?" Asked Spike.
"Just fine Darling just a little shocked is all," Said Rarity
"Uuuhhhh, Don't call me short..." muttered the Colt, seemingly asleep, he then suddenly opened his eyes and attempted to leap to his hooves, however the armour plating seemed to be much longer than the other legs and he fell abruptly into a heap, he looked around and saw Rarity and Twilight and yelled in surprise, and then the armour began to stand up and bumped it's head on the roof
"Who are you?" asked Twilight
"i believe the colt's name to be 'Brother' or at least that is what that beast in the armour was calling him" whispered Rarity
"Um... Excuse me?" Asked the Armour "where are we?"
"Why your're in Ponyville" Said Rarity
"I've never heard of anywhere called Ponyville," Said the Colt, attempting to get to his mismatched hooves and failing again,
"It's in the valley below Canterlot" said Twilight
"What's Canterlot?" asked the armour
"The big city in the mountains, Home to the Princesses of Equestria," Prompted Rarity
"Never even heard of Equestria
"You gotta be pulling our legs with that one" said Spike
"Oh My God! it's a Dragon!" Cried the Colt
"But Brother, These horses are talking too" Said the Armour
"True but Truth warned us about that" Replied the Colt "He never said ANYTHING about dragons"
"How rude of you to call us horses" Said Rarity we are pony's
"May I ask your names?" said Twilight
The Colt pointed his right 'Hoof' at his chest, "I'm Edward Elric, The Fullmetal Alchemist, Part of the state Military in Amestris.
"And I'm Alphonse Elric his younger brother" Pitched in the Armour
"Alchemy did you say?" asked Twilight an eyebrow raised
"yeah why?" replied Ed
"Alchemy is a strange form of magic, and I wish to learn it but my books have very little detail on the subject" said Twilight simply
"Well i would teach you but first I'm gonna need some chalk or a pen," Said the Ed
Twilight levitated a small piece of chalk from her saddle bags towards Ed, He reached for it with the armoured leg and grasped it with the digits on the end of it. He then began to trace, from memory, the transmutation circle for the transmutation of the cold weather auto-mail he was currently using.
"right now stand back" he said, as he pressed his front legs to the circle along with the rear armoured leg
once the light faded Twilight looked at the circle, in the centre Ed was sat the armoured legs were now shorter and had no digits.
"probably gonna regret that before long" Ed said looking longingly at the end of his hooves
Ed threw the chalk back to Twilight "Alright here you go miss..."
"Sparkle, My name is Twilight Sparkle, but I'd rather you call me twilight." Twilight Replied
"right now for you Al" Said Ed Turning on the spot
Ed clapped his front two hooves together then pressed them against the armour, the same bright light ensued as before when Ed was using the circle, but this time the was no circle. Before a large pony in metal armour stood where al had been
"and you're done" Said Ed, Smiling
"Right, but aren't you forgetting something" Said Al
"Oh, yeah," Said Ed "umm,,, do either of you know how we can get an audience with your leader?"
Seems very good so far, I haven't seen brotherhood or the manga, just the original. So I might be a little uneducated on Ed's abilities. As I recall though he could change his automail just fine without a circle, so why did he use one here?
Wait a moment...I don't remember Al being able to perform alchemy while he is armor.
Is that something I haven't seen yet?(I've seen about 15 of the episodes)
Alright, I'm sorry to have to be the one to do this, but...
There are A LOT of grammatical issues; you have run-on sentences galore, places that need quotation marks, etc., just all over the place. I would suggest getting yourself a proofreader to fix those, and I'd be happy to help when I have some time.
Next, a few issues with the story itself. Father making the portal is INCREDIBLY vague; it needs a bit more detail (as does the rest of the story). Second, the Truth never said anything about the ponies. Third, while you did say you were going to explain Ed's and Al's reactions (or lack thereof) you need to think about the ponies' reactions more. After all, Al didn't change shape, and Ed became an alicorn, right? Well that's a pretty big deal, either one of them. On the one hand, you've got a giant metal creature, the likes of which have never been seen before in Equestria. On the other, you have a new alicorn, one of now only FIVE in existence. On a metaphorical third hand, both of these beings transformed through a process mostly unknown to ponykind. You'd think that would elicit more of a reaction than "oh that's interesting".
Sorry about that. I do really like the premise, and I see a lot of potential in this. You just need to work out a few kinks in your writing style and you'll be good to go!
hope next chapter comes soon
It's... way too rushed, the story seems good so far, but it's extremely rushsed.
Things seem corny, like a movie with really bad acting (The Pokemon anime for example).
@meerkat8472 Ed needs the circle because with the Auto-mail being longer than his leg it would be hard for him to transmute it
@agaris Twilight's reaction is more because of her level-headed nature it always seems hard for her to get scared, I will however say Rarity does seem to be OOC I this chapter will attempt to fix that I the Next chapter
Love the concept and your writing style, but you really need an editor. That, or go back through and edit the chapter yourself. There are tons of punctuation and capitalization mistakes. Great story though, and I can't wait to read more!
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Yes. Al could always perform alchemy in the armor. In brother hood and the manga, he didn't need a circle after a certain part, but I forgot where that is.
2377044 In the manga it was after Bradly killed Martel who was inside Al, that he remembered seeing Truth
sees FMA crossover...
IMMEDIATELY HOOKED
Sorry... This looked good, but you need to get a proofreader to help you out. The grammar's pretty bad and there is random capitalization floating around wherever there are quotes. So far the characters don't seem to be acting themselves either. I'll give this one a pass. Keep trying though. The premise is good, bu the execution needs work. Also, there's at least one typo in the story description. That'll make like half of the people who see this story pass over it.
I feel like ed and al were TO trusting. oh well.
Wouldn't Ed freak and scream (in caps lock) "IT'S NOT MAGIC! IT'S A SCIENCE YOU DUMB HORSES!"