The frozen wastes of Stalliongrad teem with conflict and strife as pony, machine, and the wild battle ferociously for control. One unicorn, on a mission she did not ask for, makes her way into Tartarus itself.
Well, that was interesting, not quite like any Stable or Vault I'm familiar with... except maybe Vault 108 without all the Garies. I'll have to keep an eye on this one.
7037666 There's more to be had with Stable 46, I assure you~ Though the Gary Vault had some indirect inspiration.
7040309 Not sure what a 'carp' is, but yeah, holy crap I posted~ I'm not at my goal of how many chapters to type up beforehand, but I figured I may as well post now rather than later. I'm hoping to post a few more, then get a chapter for L&T out.
7044512 Oooooooh~ thank you! I appreciate the post and the comment.
With all the death and trauma typically found in these side stories, it sometimes seems like authors downplay these things, even when they are occurring to peaceful communities like stables. This story takes the time and puts in the effort to show the devastating impact a single death has upon all these characters. There is raw emotion embodied in the narration, and Silver feels more and more like a real character as a result.
I do appreciate that you took the time to introduce Clover a chapter before, so that she did not seem like just another dead body dropped into the plot to spur the protagonist into the wasteland. Her death actually feels disheartening, rather than procedure, undoubtedly helped too by the visceral style of narration. The pacing, in regard to the development of characters and the progress of events, is top notch.
Not much I found to be detrimental. However, there is an overdose of italics on words that often don't need them. The italics should be used sparingly lest the reader grow apathetic to phrases that need to be emphasized.
7045649 The Holy Carp is a godly fish and very good friend of the princesses, although it likes to tease just like Discord and is why we yell its name when things goes bad. Sigh everyone knows that!
The story so far is pretty intriguing, pretty original with a church Stable, although I can't really see Stable-tec throw the recurses to make an underground cathedral when they need to house three fiddy ponies and their cloning tech. Beside does each Stable only get one experiment, running two could cross contaminate each other after all. I get the logic behind an all female Stable in a would based on Matriarchy, its the vile boys after all that ruins everything with their testosterone and violence after all, but I do not get the logic behind doing the cloning when it would be so much easier to "just" fertilize an egg with the XX chromosome from another egg and bingo bango you have a female offspring with new DNA since it is a mix from the two mothers instead of self fertilization which is else the norm. One thing thou, while I haven't commented that much on it do I feel as if the story jumps a lot between present and past tense, and having a pre-reader look over the story would properly not do it any harm.
Nitpicks: "There weren’t very many" They weren't that, although weren't sounds a bit clunky in my ears "Never before has an emergency like this come up." had "trembling where she lay and was trying to get to her hooves. " laid "Blood. Slowly expanding around her was a pool of crimson red" I would say that you would get a bigger impact if you turned the two sentences around. "terrifyingly numb sensations as two simple words passed through my mind. [i]She’s dead[/i]" she is dead is technically 3 words.
Well, that was interesting, not quite like any Stable or Vault I'm familiar with... except maybe Vault 108 without all the Garies. I'll have to keep an eye on this one.
Holy carp, you finally posted it XD
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
7037666 There's more to be had with Stable 46, I assure you~ Though the Gary Vault had some indirect inspiration.
7040309 Not sure what a 'carp' is, but yeah, holy crap I posted~ I'm not at my goal of how many chapters to type up beforehand, but I figured I may as well post now rather than later. I'm hoping to post a few more, then get a chapter for L&T out.
7044512 Oooooooh~ thank you! I appreciate the post and the comment.
7045649 Well then, I look forward to seeing more of it.
7045649
Now i gotta get of my lazy butt and write my ghoul protagonist story
With all the death and trauma typically found in these side stories, it sometimes seems like authors downplay these things, even when they are occurring to peaceful communities like stables. This story takes the time and puts in the effort to show the devastating impact a single death has upon all these characters. There is raw emotion embodied in the narration, and Silver feels more and more like a real character as a result.
I do appreciate that you took the time to introduce Clover a chapter before, so that she did not seem like just another dead body dropped into the plot to spur the protagonist into the wasteland. Her death actually feels disheartening, rather than procedure, undoubtedly helped too by the visceral style of narration. The pacing, in regard to the development of characters and the progress of events, is top notch.
Not much I found to be detrimental. However, there is an overdose of italics on words that often don't need them. The italics should be used sparingly lest the reader grow apathetic to phrases that need to be emphasized.
7045649
A carp is a type of fish, since you asked. ;3
7045649
The Holy Carp is a godly fish and very good friend of the princesses, although it likes to tease just like Discord and is why we yell its name when things goes bad. Sigh everyone knows that!
The story so far is pretty intriguing, pretty original with a church Stable, although I can't really see Stable-tec throw the recurses to make an underground cathedral when they need to house three fiddy ponies and their cloning tech. Beside does each Stable only get one experiment, running two could cross contaminate each other after all. I get the logic behind an all female Stable in a would based on Matriarchy, its the vile boys after all that ruins everything with their testosterone and violence after all, but I do not get the logic behind doing the cloning when it would be so much easier to "just" fertilize an egg with the XX chromosome from another egg and bingo bango you have a female offspring with new DNA since it is a mix from the two mothers instead of self fertilization which is else the norm.
One thing thou, while I haven't commented that much on it do I feel as if the story jumps a lot between present and past tense, and having a pre-reader look over the story would properly not do it any harm.
Nitpicks:
"There weren’t very many" They weren't that, although weren't sounds a bit clunky in my ears
"Never before has an emergency like this come up." had
"trembling where she lay and was trying to get to her hooves. " laid
"Blood. Slowly expanding around her was a pool of crimson red" I would say that you would get a bigger impact if you turned the two sentences around.
"terrifyingly numb sensations as two simple words passed through my mind. [i]She’s dead[/i]" she is dead is technically 3 words.