Written by: Mayhem Darkshadow
Edited by: psychohooves
********************
Chapter 2: A New Life
Twilight woke up to the soft buzzing of her alarm. Even though it was Saturday, Twilight always set an alarm to ensure she would wake up at a decent time. She stretched a little, causing Scootaloo to awake beside her. Twilight, for reasons she couldn't understand, affectionately stroked the filly’s mane. Scootaloo's eyes slowly opened and she stretched her legs out.
"Morning sleepy head," whispered Twilight quietly.
"M...m...morning," yawned Scootaloo.
"I didn't mean to wake you, if you're tired you can go back to sleep," Twilight told her.
Scootaloo stood up and stretched some more. "No that's okay. I can't fall back asleep after I wake up.”
Twilight smiled at her and they both climbed out of bed and quietly left the room. Twilight didn't wake Spike because she normally just let him wake up on his own accord, unless she really needed him for some reason. They both exited the room quietly and went downstairs.
"So what would you like for breakfast?" asked Twilight sweetly.
Scootaloo yawned and then thought about what would be really good for breakfast. She normally just ate anything that she had, but now that she was given the option she couldn't decided what would be good.
"Umm...can we make pancakes please Twilight?" Scootaloo responded politely.
Twilight smiled. It was good to see that even though Scootaloo had lived on her own she had very nice manners.
"Of course we can," replied Twilight, "In the far cupboard on the left there is a large mixing bowl. If you could grab that for me while I get out all the ingredients I'd appreciate it."
Scootaloo retrieved the mixing bowl while Twilight got all the ingredients for pancakes, and in about ten minutes the batter was ready and the pan was being heated up on the oven. This gave Twilight some time to ask Scootaloo some more questions and talk about future arrangements.
"So, nopony ever found you and took you in or to an orphanage or anything? Don't you have any other family members?" questioned Twilight curiously.
Twilight could tell these questions made the little filly uneasy, but she still answered them.
"No. Nopony really came looking for me. I had an older brother who I got along with, but he was killed in an accident at the Cloudsdale weather factory. I also had an older sister but we didn't get along, and she wanted nothing to do with me after my parents abandoned us. I think she lives in Las Pegasus, but she's well...a mare for hire I guess is the term," sniffed Scootaloo.
Twilight understood what she meant by mare for hire: a prostitute. She could only think about what a horrible family life Scootaloo came from. She didn't press Scootaloo for any more information because she could see how uncomfortable Scootaloo was becoming.
"Well I don't want you to worry about any of that. Like I said last night, you are welcome to stay with me until we figure out a solution," explained Twilight carefully.
Twilight didn't want Scootaloo to think that she was going to throw her out eventually. Twilight would never bring herself to do that. Deep down she wanted Scootaloo to stay permanently; however, she just didn't know if that was going to be an option.
When the pan was finally warm enough they poured the batter and let the pancakes cook. Twilight pulled up a stool so Scootaloo could flip the pancakes herself, which she did perfectly. The aroma that had filled the kitchen was very pleasant, and it must have worked its way upstairs because Spike showed up right around the time the last pancake was ready.
"Morning," he announced with a groggy tone.
"Morning," replied Twilight as she was setting out plates, "Coffee is ready, and breakfast is almost ready."
"Oh thank Celestia," groaned Spike as he walked to the coffee pot.
Twilight chuckled. Spike's new craving for coffee had been started by Pinkie Pie, and he had an average of six cups daily. Twilight was at least happy he didn't put a mountain of sugar in his coffee like Pinkie did. Scootaloo told Twilight that the last pancake was ready, and Twilight carefully levitated the large platter of food over to the table. They all sat down and dug in to the scrumptious spread of pancakes. Scootaloo had suggested to add a small amount of cinnamon while they were preparing the batter, which turned out quite well.
"These are really good," said Spike with a mouth full of food, "They taste different than normal Twilight."
"Yes they are a bit different. Scootaloo suggested adding a small amount of cinnamon," Twilight told him.
Spike gave Scootaloo a thumbs up. "Great idea Scoots."
This caused Scootaloo to blush and she thanked him.
"Oh Twilight I forgot to ask. Can we go out to club house so I can get my scooter and my saddle bags? I forgot I have homework I need to get done for Ms. Cheerilee before Monday," Scootaloo asked politely.
"Of course," replied Twilight sweetly, "We can go right after we clean up the kitchen."
Scootaloo smiled and went back to eating. Twilight couldn't get over how cute and sweet she was. She told herself that she shouldn't get attached to the little filly, but it was really hard not to. After breakfast was done Twilight sent Scootaloo upstairs and told her to brush and floss her teeth. This gave Twilight time to talk to Spike.
"So, have you given anymore thought about what you're going to do?" inquired Spike as they were doing the dishes.
"I don't know Spike. She's so sweet and I want nothing more than to tell her she can stay here permanently. I just don't know if that is something I can manage. Taking care of a filly isn't easy work," said Twilight.
Spike could tell by her tone of voice that she was having mixed emotions about the situation.
"You're getting attached to her aren't you?" Spike asked curiously.
Twilight nodded. "I told myself I wouldn't, but it's almost impossible. I don't know what to do Spike."
After a brief moment of silence, Spike spoke up again.
"I think you should think more about this Twilight, but I'll tell you want I think. I think that you wouldn't have a problem taking care of her. You've been raising me for sixteen years and I'd say you've done a good job at that."
Twilight had to admit that Spike did have a point. She had been raising him ever since she was a little filly. She gave some though to this as they washed the final few dishes
"If you're really unsure about taking care of a filly talk to Applejack and Rarity. Applejack has been raising Applebloom since she was a baby, and Rarity is always looking after Sweetie Belle for her parents. See what they think," suggested Spike as they finished up.
This was a good idea. Her friends would certainly know how to approach this. They finished the dishes right around the same time Scootaloo came back downstairs.
"I'm ready to go Twilight," Scootaloo called from the living room.
Twilight put away the last dish and then walked into the living room. It looked windy outside so Twilight put on a jacket. She had to look around but she eventually found a jacket that would be big enough for Scootaloo. It belonged to Spike but he didn't use it anymore. They said goodbye to Spike and then left for the clubhouse.
"Umm Twilight…do you think I can go play with my friends after we get my stuff and bring it back to your house?" asked Scootaloo as they walked.
"I thought you said you had homework?" Twilight questioned.
"I do but...well," stammered Scootaloo nervously.
Twilight ruffled her mane. "You can go play, but you have to do your homework when you get back," she told her, "Promise not to do anything dangerous."
Scootaloo smiled and thanked Twilight. This was a good thing though. If Scootaloo was out playing then Twilight would be able to talk to Rarity and Applejack if they weren't both busy.
**********
It had turned out that neither of the girls were busy so Twilight asked them if they could meet her a Sugarcube Corner. Applejack and Rarity showed up around twelve, and Twilight was sitting at a table waiting for them.
"What's up Twilight?" asked Applejack as she and Rarity sat down. "Y'all said yah wanted ta see us and talk?"
"I do girls. I need to asked you something," Twilight explained to her friends. She thought about what she was about to say but couldn't come up with a way to say it. "Girls, did you know that Scootaloo is an orphan?"
Applejack dropped the fritter she was about to take a bite into while Rarity spat out the coffee she was sipping on.
"She's an orphan?!" they both cried in shock.
Twilight nodded her head. She hadn't been expecting her friends to react in such a way.
"I found out last night. I offered to take her home after the hospital visit, but she said she didn't need me to. I decided to follower her, and it turns out that she had been living in the Cutie Mark Crusaders clubhouse for quite some time.”
Applejack and Rarity were still bewildered about what Twilight had said, but they both finally spoke up.
"Applebloom never told me that little filly was an orphan. Wish she would have. Ah would've taken her in and at least made sure she had a nice place to rest her little head and enjoy a meal," croaked Applejack, still thrown off by the startling news.
"The poor dear. You said she's been living on her own for a while?" asked Rarity curiously.
Twilight nodded. "She said one day her parents didn't come home. She also said she had an older brother she was close to but that he got killed in an accident and that she had a sister but she made it pretty clear that her sister didn't want anything to do with her. Anyway I've taken her in for now."
"Well that's good at least Twi, but what are you gonna do with her?" asked Applejack.
"That's why I asked you girls here. I don't know what I'm going to do. She is such a sweet and kind little filly, and I don't want to see her end up in the position she was in again. I want to tell her she can stay with me permanently, but I just don't know if I can take care of a kid. That's what I wanted to ask you both about this issue, seeing as you both have raised or helped raise your sisters," Twilight told her friends with a serious tone.
Applejack and Rarity looked at each other. They both had something to say, yet they couldn't decide who should speak first.
"Well Twi honestly taking care of an older filly is a heck of a lot easier then taking care of a foal," said Applejack kindly after some silence.
"I agree. I remember Sweetie Belle was a very hard to manage as a foal. She's still difficult to manage as a filly but much easier then when she was when she was younger," added Rarity with a reassuring tone.
"It's good when they are older 'cuz they learn to take care of themselves, and y'all just have to guide them along," continued Applejack.
Twilight was happy that her friends had reassured her, but now she needed to move on to the big question. "So...what do you girls think I should do?"
Applejack and Rarity once again looked at each other, but this time they were both unsure about what to say.
"Well Twi," piped up Applejack after much silence, "Ah think that ya have been given a chance to make a huge difference in the life of a pony that hasn't had a good one yet."
"The decision is yours and yours alone darling, but if you feel like she is something that you can and should handle then I wouldn't give it a second thought," added Rarity with a smile.
Twilight was reminded once again why she knew she had the best friends in all of Equestria. They gave her the answers to everything that she wanted to know, and they certainly helped her move closer towards making a final decision.
"Thanks girls. This really helps," Twilight told her friends. "I still need to think about this some more but I think you've both influenced my decision."
"You're certainly welcome sugarcube, but Ah got a question for y'all. What kind of guardian do ya see yourself being to lil' Scootaloo. Just a friend, a sister, or something more?" asked Applejack curiously.
Twilight thought about her friends question carefully. She certainly wouldn't be a friend. The little filly had caused a strange stir of emotion in Twilight. She really didn't know how she felt, but deep down her heart was telling her that she could be something more than a sister to Scootaloo. She knew though that in the end that decision was to be Scootaloo's decision.
*********
Twilight spent the next week thinking about the decision she needed to make, but she didn't let it distract her from making sure Scootaloo was happy. The big issue right now was getting into a routine during the school week. It only took Twilight a day to adjust. She woke Scootaloo up in the morning and got her ready for the day. They ate breakfast together, sometimes with Spike too, and then Twilight would walk Scootaloo to school. Twilight then would go about her normal daily schedule, but at two o'clock, she would make her way to the school house and pick up Scootaloo. They would go back to the library and then Scootaloo would go play with her friends until dinner time. After dinner Twilight would help Scootaloo with her homework and then they would get an hour or two to goof off before bed. The first day was the hardest and the strangest. Twilight got asked a lot of questions from ponies they passed by. Twilight actually had to spend an hour talking to Cheerliee about it. She explained to everyone the position she was in. Twilight was still thinking about what she was going to do about Scootaloo, but each day she felt more and more attached to her and couldn't bring herself to send her away. Spike even admitted her was starting to get used to having another pony in the house. To top that Scootaloo had become best friends with Peewee and Owlowiscious. Twilight was realizing how well she fit in and that they were all more or less a happy family. Finally she couldn't take it anymore. She needed to make a decision, and she was pretty sure she knew what she was going to do.
**********
Scootaloo raced towards Twilight's house on her scooter. She had lost track of time playing with her friends and she knew that she was going to be late. She really hoped that Twilight wouldn't get mad at her. She had been living with Twilight now for close to two weeks now, and her life had improved significantly. She was no longer making bad grades in school, she was happy every day, and she was never hungry. She liked living with Twilight, but she knew that it wasn't going to last forever and she had been preparing herself for it.
She screeched up to the door and ran inside, hoping Twilight wouldn't be mad. She saw Twilight sitting on the couch.
"Sorry...sorry I'm late I lost track of time," panted Scootaloo, hoping for forgiveness.
Twilight put down the book she was reading and smiled at Scootaloo, who let out a sigh of relief knowing Twilight wasn't angry.
"It's okay Scootaloo. Go put your scooter away and then come back here, I need to talk to you about something.”
Scootaloo did what she was told and put her scooter away in the closet. She came back to the couch and sat down with Twilight. Scootaloo got a worried feeling about where this might be going.
"Scootaloo, do you enjoy living here?" asked Twilight sweetly and camly.
Scootaloo couldn't see where this was going now, so she just answered the question. "I do. I love living here with you, Spike, Peewee, and Owlowiscious.”
Twilight smiled, though she had known this was the answer she was going to get. "So remember how I told you when you first arrived that we would figure out what we were going to do with you. Well I have finally made the decision.”
Scootaloo's ear and head fell. She spoke quietly. "You're going to send me away?”
Twilight put her hoof under the little filly’s chin and tilted her head up. "Quite the opposite. You see that folder sitting on the table. Open it and read what is inside.”
Scootaloo looked at Twilight for a second and then picked up the folder she was talking about. She read the few pieces of paper that were in it, and a huge smile erupted on her face followed by tears.
"You...does this mean that?" stammed Scootaloo.
Twilight, who was also crying, nodded her head. "As of twelve o'clock today by the Office of the Mayor of Ponyville I am now your legal guardian.”
Scootaloo, bursting with emotions, wrapped her hooves around Twilight's center and hugged her.
"Oh thank you thank you thank you thank you!!" cried Scootaloo, her eyes full of tears.
"You're quite welcome. I gave it a lot of thought these past few weeks. You just fit in so well it was like you were already a member of the family. After I realized that I knew in my heart this was where you belonged," Twilight mentioned quietly, "Now legally I am only your guardian so feel free to call me whatever you wish."
Scootaloo did have to give what she wanted to call Twilight some thought. After a bit of thinking she came up with an suitable answer to the question. "I really just want to keep calling you Twilight right now. Is that okay?”
Twilight pulled Scootaloo away from her and looked into her eyes. "You can call me whatever you want Scootaloo.”
Scootaloo re-embraced Twilight, still crying her eyes out. "Thank you Twilight.”
Twilight understood why Scootaloo was probably uncomfortable calling her anything else but Twilight at this point in time. It didn't matter to her at all though. The fact that she now had a little filly in her life was enough.
Twilight and Scootaloo hugged for what felt like hours all while crying tears of joy. Finally they broke their embrace and smiled at each other.
"Well I have a little surprise for you. We are going to have a small party at Sugarcube Corner tonight. But you need to get some homework done before we go," said Twilight as she stroked Scootaloo's mane.
Scootaloo smiled at Twilight and giggled. "Okay...can you still help we with it?"
Twilight blushed a bit as she was going to have to get used to being a guardian.
"Yes I can," laughed Twilight.
Twilight pulled Scootaloo in for one more hug and then they went into the kitchen to get some work done. Life was going to be different for the both of them from now on.
This....this is beautiful.
I like it
MOAR!
Scoots seems a tad ooc to me but overall good story!
Except scootaloo seems happy.... I nEed SCooTaBusE!!
Didn't see that one comin', but this is adorable and makes me want to cry and laugh for joy at the same time. Keep it going. Oh and one more thing:
"The decision is yours and yours alone darling, but if you feel like she is something that you can and should handle then I wouldn't give it a second though," added Rarity with a smile.
should be:
The decision is yours and yours alone darling, but if you feel like she is something that you can and should handle then I wouldn't give it a second thought," added Rarity with a smile.
A good life for Scootaloo...
You might have wanted to hold off on the mommy thing and maybe have scoots accidentally call her that later on. At this point it seems far too early for it at this point. While later on it could be used as an absolutely adorable point I think here, while still cute, it felt forced.
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Manly+Tears.+They+hath+been+shed_5467c1_3210442.jpg
I prefer the shorter version mom to mommy but I still love the way the story is progressing.
Have all my D'awwwww!
So much better then the first chapter!
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I wholeheartedly wait for more!
@Mayhem Darkshadow...
1. I have been enjoying your fan-fiction, you have done a fairly good job in conveying the emotion involved. A few typos here & there for technical writing, but nothing glaringly obvious, which is a positive sign. (though obviously you should go over your work with a fine-tooth literary comb eventually at some point)
2. I applaud your choice of Twilight Sparkle being the parental figure for Scootaloo. Twilight definitely fits better due to her "years ahead" maturity and responsible nature. As a creative suggestion, you could also do a bit of role-reversal too. A subtle tragic point about Twilight Sparkle is that her maturity "beyond her years" had cut her childhood shorter than others, which contributed to her introverted nature. You could have a chapter where Scootaloo shows Twilight how to be a kid, at times.
3. I agree with YourBronyGod that you could have saved the "mommy" (or "mom", which does feel more like what Scootaloo would use) moment for a powerfully dramatic moment in of itself.
A small RL ancedote/example, without going into too much detail on a public internet forum like this...
One of my close friends adopted a boy who came from a broken home. It was several years later, but one day, the boy called him "dad" without thinking about it, it simply came out naturally. Since that day, my friend has been called "dad", and he calls his adoptee "my son" for most times. Both father & son have never forgotten that exact moment, when they truly became Family.
4. As another creative suggestion, you can have a chapter for Scootaloo getting her own room, bed, shelf-space, and desk. Keep it as sparse and spartan as possible; no toys or stuffed animals or such. For those who has been homeless, just those basic furnishings are a tears-to-the-eyes treasure in of itself. And the "blank" (pun intended) nature of the room gives Scoolatoo (or rather, you the fan-writer) a clean slate/canvas to work with for later chapters as she finds her way, and place, in this new family. (perhaps Scootaloo will fill her shelves with books as a reflection of Twilight, or acquire a Wonderbolts poster/banner from Rainbow Dash, or store souvenirs from notable CMC adventures, etc.)
5. I look forward to seeing how the rest of the Mane Six, particularly Rainbow Dash, react and support Twilight Sparkle in her new parental role. And eventually a visit from Princess Celestia &/or Princess Luna (or perhaps a family trip up to Canterlot with an audience with both at the palace).
Aw
Very nice. I do love my little Angel , and Twi of course. A perfect combination.
AAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!!!
I LOVE IT!!! I love it so much that I couldn't just read it to myself I had to read it out loud about a quarter of the way in it's so good.
Though I think that what a few other people were saying with Scootaloo calling her mom accidentally later would be far cuter, it is still cute and I love how well it's written. You can has all my d'awwwwwww
I wish there was a heart button but since there isn't have a few here
cannot wait for more
2434822
Good point. Might perhaps change it later
Update- Per your suggestion I modified the ending
2434998
I like the creative ideas you proposed. I see the potentially that they hold. Will definitely be using them
Update- Modified the end
2434758
Thanks for pointing that out. Fixed it up
2435645
I'm glad you liked it. I'm sure you were eagerly waiting for it this weekend and I apologize for it taking a bit longer to get it out
2435780 It's fine, I'm always really busy during the weekend and very tired when I get home so even if it had been out on the weekend I wouldn't have read it until yesterday or today
2435788
Feel ya on that one. I think college is turning me into a zombie
Also if you're curious I modified the ending
Good chapter. Hope to see some more mother daughter bonding.
2436044
Glad you liked it
Needs a coma or something to break up the second sentence. And the correct "your."
2436061
I'm doing some edits right now to other parts. I'll take a look at it.
2435759...
6. Always happy to provide creative ideas/suggestions, constructive criticism, &/or literary refinement advice .
7. Never apologize for taking your time in putting out a piece of fan-work until you are at least 80% satisfied with it, if not more.
The counter-balance to taking your time, is not to fall into an eye-rollingly tedious release rate because you are not "100%" (note quotations marks) satisfied. [I'm looking towards you, A Song of Fire & Ice series' author George R. R. Martin! ;P ]
8. Speaking from experience, when you are older, you will wish you could have spent more time in college/university . But yes, RL comes first, fandom indulgence second [for me, it is more like 7th+, 1st- work, 2nd- wife, 3rd-5th- three girls, 6th- MMO guild-master, etc.]
9. Some constructive criticism: An important factor to keep in mind your story is to keep the things for Scootaloo as simple as possible. For the homeless &/or the orphaned, having even the simplest basic necessities, that the many take for granted, is a precious thing. Can you imagine where you give thanks over a single tin of sardines and individual pack of 2 crackers? Treasuring a 3-USDollar fleece blanket like it were a 50-USDollar plushie? Treating toilet paper &/or fast-food restaurant napkins with cautious deference? And these are just mild examples of the soul-crushing depressive "lifestyle" of being homeless, and the emotional scars it leaves are deep.
The point is: try to avoid material luxuries unless Scootaloo has definitively earned it, not just giving her such things out of casual affection, no matter how cute it may seem at first-glance.
Some creative suggestion examples:
- a. Twilight & Rainbow cooperatively teach/train Scootaloo to finally fly under her own wing-power, but also discover that Scootaloo has been taking the extra steps & effort to push herself towards that goal, meritting an (single) Wonderbolt plushie.
- b. Scootaloo assists Spike in running the Golden Oaks Library while Twilight & her fellow Elements of Harmony are deployed on a mission by Princess Celestia (or even tends the library solo). After a few initial comedic mishaps, she manages to play "junior librarian" proficiently until Twilight's return (no librarian Cutie Mark though), earning her a personal set of books or comics to call her own.
- c. After nearly a year together, Twilight belatedly realizes she does not know Scootaloo's birth-date, and perhaps Scootaloo does not know herself. The result is a chapter dedicated to either finding out the factual date, or designating a special date, for her birthday.
10. My literary advice is to keep your primary focus on the emotional needs and growth of a child, and the never-ending learning-process of being a parent.
2436153
I thank you for your input, suggestions, and inspiring words. It's things like this that push me to keep writing fan-factions
I'm going to ask a question thats been bugging me...
Where in the show is Peewee? If he's not, why is he so widespread?
2436499
An excellent question. He shows up at the end of the Dragon Migration episode (Season 2. Can't remember which episode). He hatched from the phoenix egg Spike save from the group of teenage dragons. That is pretty much the only time he is in the show though He wasn't even including in the pet episode in Season 3 if I remember correctly
2436818
Thanks. For some reason, I never watched that episode. I need to stop skipping episodes. Last time I did that, I missed the episode that contained the reason I started watching MLP
2436835
No problem he isn't exactly a prominent character
D'awwwwwww.
My only problem with this entire story is that Scootaloo = whenever she appears. She's not a Mary Sue, but I'd like it if in future chapters you build on the flaws she might have, and the possible ways that her personality could clash with Twilight's. I'm not asking for a bunch of family drama, and I actually suggest you stay away from the Drama Llama region of Ponyville (There's a reason they're segregated.)
2437292
Fair point and I respect your opinion The next chapter is more or less going to be about the two of them adjusting to their new life. Might be some room for some small personality conflicts...in fact I had a few ideas running through my head right now
2436818
Peewee's not in the season 3 pet episode because he was given back to his parents. Look at the beginning of Spike At Your Service, and you can see pictures that showcase Spike giving Peewee back.
2437634
Forgot about that. I wasn't exactly the largest fan of most of the episodes in S3, especially that one in particular
Daww, this reminds me of Whatever it Takes, I Love you. It is similer to this only instead of Twilight, it is RD who adopts her. But Twilight does seem to be a bit better of a gurdian. One thing about the other story I like though is because RD isn't perfect, she learns while taking care of Scootaloo. I am still enjoying this story but I think it would be nice it there was a bit more conflic in this. But you are the writer and this is only a suggestion. Keep up the good work.
2437292 I think you should give Whatever it takes, I love you a try. Scootaloo isn't perfect in this and neither is her gaurdian. But it is still a very good heart felt story with tons of action and conflict.
2439094
Thanks. I always take what the readers ask in consideration so don't worry
2436206...
11. I concur with the opinions that adding portions showing that a single-parent adoption is not an easy life is a good point. Speaking from experience, single parents need a lot of support, whether they admit it or not, and often whether they realize it or not [I speak from the experience of having to help friends & relatives who were/are single-parents]. Thus my previous posts' advice about keeping things as simple as possible.
12. As a creative suggestion, you could have a serious themed scene where Twilight Sparkle sits Scootaloo down to impress upon her that while she may love Scootaloo dearly and has no intention of giving her up or abandoning her (not voluntarily), Twilight's job as Ponyville librarian & town protector, her status as Princess Celestia's personal student & envoy, and her duty to Equestria as a whole as the Element of Magic, means there will be times Twilight cannot be around for Scootaloo, or has to put her second. One of the hardest burdens of any parent it to have to choose Duty over Family, mostly because Duty rarely gives you an actual choice.
2439727
You have a problem with missing commas. Read the story aloud. You will find several places where commas should be present, but are missing.
Other than that, heartwarming story.
2436818 That's because PeeWee was sent back to the pheonixes before that episode. I don't remember which one it showed, but there was a series of pictures showing Spike and Twi returning him to his family.
Now, on to the story:
HOLY SHIT! HIT THE BRAKE, THAT WALL IS COMING RIGHT AT-
Seriously, this is rushing along at a speed of 503 and needs to SLOW DOWN. You literally stuffed an entire week's worth of possible story into a giant paragraph. I understand not wanting to repeat stuff over and over, but, even with that, we don't need a play-by-play for the entire daily routine. You miss out on a lot of chances for emotional happenings, deep-thought times, and other world-building points by doing this.
Also, holy shitballs batman, those proper nouns. You're gonna have to start using pronouns and descriptive words to replace names. It quickly got boring and monotonous going through and reading Sccots' and Twi's name over and over and over throughout the whole thing. Following along with the description part, please add more. As it is, it's very cut and dry. There's too little detail to really even get any of the emotion across (and believe me, fanfiction and anime are the only things that make me feel), even with the parts that seem like they're supposed to be laden with feels.
Now, the premise is cute. I love the idea of Twi being a mother, adopted or 'naturally' (because fuck stallions, she's gonna get boinked by another mare no matter what), and Scoots is such a fun filly. The execution is just iffy. I'd also suggest trying to fix Scoots' personality a bit. She's quite a lot like Dash in that she's brash and headstrong. Sure, Twilight has seen her at her weakest, but you have to remember that she always puts on a tough front. It's who she is and obviously why she's been able to hide that she was an orphan for so long. Stuff like that doesn't just drop away the moment somebody shows you kindness (again, trust me. I should know).
So far, I give it a 6/10. Okay, but not great.
Can I add this to a group I am founding, Heartwarming Stories? Find the group here.
2440276
Go ahead
2440265
Thanks for the advice everything and anything helps
A cute story and I definitely want to see it continue. That being said I have to agree with Peppy's comments. (Aside from Twilight definitely being with another Mare, I think she could be with either a Mare or a Stallion, provided the mare isn't Trixie)
You're rushing the story, don't worry too much about reaching the destination, just let us experience the journey the characters are having on the way there
I love heartwarming interactions as much as the next FiM fan, but I think we need to tone down the sugary sweetness a bit. Scootaloo's in a vulnerable position right now, and I imagine she'd be on her best behaviour for Twilight who was kind enough to take her in. However, rather then being openly sweet and affectionate I imagine she'd be showing hints of love and gratitude through a crumbling wall of toughness. Also, I know Twi's the type to wear her emotions on her sleeve (I know she doesn't have sleeves, that's beside the point ) but I don't think she'd have broken down this early
Please don't get me wrong, I like the story, I just think we need to reel things in a bit
I also love pendrake's suggestions, and I see you do as well
2441540
Input from the readers is why I love posting fics on FimFic and as the author feel obligated to listen to what the readers want. I am running through some ideas right now to help improve my current writing state. I am actually considering getting a second editor so i can have two people keeping me in line . I love all the feedback because it allows me insight on where I need to improve so thanks for the feedback
2441540
Bah! This guy doesn't know what he's talking about!
2441004 It's no problem! I'm glad to help (I'd count your blessings that this is a concept I like I tend to be quite a bit of an ass when I review premises that I find moronic [i.e. HiEs and Male Oc x Non-OC Mare romance/clopfics])