Once upon a time, in the land of Equestria, there were earth ponies, unicorns and pegasi alike. These ponies interact with each other every day, helping side by side when in times of danger. Doing the things they like. Doing their everyday routine.
Of course there are ponies in Equestria. It's just that I want to tell you a tale about one special unicorn, named Vanguard. He was born in Manehattan. His parents were rich but responsible in there expense. They raised Vanguard like no other parent has raised a pony before. He is their precious gift of all
During his foalhood though, he is being teased as a 'blank flank'. Despite all that teasing, he wasn't even affected by all that, but he never grow tired of hearing such insults. During the night, he did dreamed that he had a future waiting for him. Therefore, he had a bright idea to have a cutie mark, wherein it can determine his destiny. That day when he talked to her parents heart-to-heart, he said that he will be the beacon of hope for Equestria and will be its protector, according to his dreams. Even though his parents may have sounded it very silly, Vanguard sounds very serious. In order for his dreams to come true, they set out to Canterlot for Vanguard to study there, where his first adventure will begin. Maybe
~~~
The sound of the rattling train made me both nervous and excited. I can't wait to arrive in Canterlot with my family. Well, the train was slow but the wait is worth it.
"Now, there will be new things going around when we get there. I just want to inform you that don't go running around in Canterlot, you might get lost. We will be walking in there together, okay?" my mother said with a smile as we are entering in the train.
"Ma, I know. You don't have to tell me again."
"You now my little pony, your mom is just very concern because your education is the reason why we are going in there," dad replied, "Please don't make it too hard for us."
As I kept those words in my mind, I am wondering what Canterlot looks like up close and personal. Since then, all I know is that it hangs on the side of a mountain. Strange but cool.
I can't get my butterflies out of my stomach as we are about to arrive in our destination. I got that mixed feelings again.
"We are now arriving on Canterlot. Thank you for riding Equestrian Railways..."
"Whoa, Canterlot is so elegant! I've never seen anything like it before!"
"Now, now. We are going to the school together, so stay close." my father said. We worked our way to the busy crowd in the city center. I didn't know they were this busy and productive. From left to right, there were mostly unicorns that filled the streets. There were barely any other kinds of ponies there. Well, some of the guards were pegasi.
The buildings don't look like much in Canterlot, as if they are simply built with wood and stones. But those are not the same as the castle in here. It has a lot of towers, built in here, built in there. The castle itself has a lot of connections to different places. What I don't know is that the school we are heading to is part of the castle.
"There are like a bunch of royal guards patrolling all over the school tower," my mother commented, "It seems like this is a important part of Canterlot." This is too much to be a school. I feel so insecure here ,it gives me a lot of goosebumps.
"It seems that you've reached the right place." That voice... it sounds like...
"Hello there, Vanguard. It looks like you are ready for your entrance exam." Wuh, Exam? Already?!
"Oh, don't worry Vanguard, it is a very easy one. I think you may be able to do it." I felt unsure of what mom said
"Um, ahem. Where are my manners? I haven't properly introduced myself. I am Princess Ce—"
"Celestia!" I shouted.
"—Princess Celestia. I am so surprised you already know me."
"I read tons of stories about you and your sister ruling Equestria together. You saved Equestria from Discord the bad guy."
"Hmhmhmhm. Your son is so very bright, he will do well during class," Celestia turned to mom and added, "He has a future waiting ahead of him."
"That means I will skip the exam?" I said with a grin, a big grin.
"Giving you a positive feedback on your knowledge doesn't mean we do not have to test your knowledge through practical exam."
"Your father is right. You should prove not only what you know, but what you can do." I have to write those down in case I forgot.
We got in the room where there is nothing but the proctors up the room and a desk in the middle.
"Can I ask what am I going to do here? It looks like there is nothing to do."
Celestia guided my sight to the three proctors. "They are going to grade you if you do something worth it. For example; what magic can you do?"
Okay, got to find that power inside my head.
"Okay, Vanguard... show us what you can do." one of the proctors stated.
Okay, let’s brainstorm. Think, think, think! I can't think of something with this tension. Gaaah!
Then a sudden flash engulfed the room.
Something happened...
I opened my eyes and... What I am seeing is a thunderstorm cloud above, with an umbrella on top of me. Whuuut?
"Wow! Nice work, Vanguard." the princess remarked.
"Mr. Vanguard," said one of the proctors, "What other things can you create?"
"I don't know. Hmmm." I concentrated on a single object I can think of and put it in my spell. A shield!
I thought of the spell, putting concentration on my head, then flash!
"Wow, just wow." One of them commented.
"So what do you say?" I looked at the faces of each proctors as they face each other. It seems that I am going to pass!
"Mr. Vanguard," I am waiting for him to say 'you did it,' "I think..." Yes! "...you are ready for the last test."
"Last test???" I exclaimed. What a cliffhanger.
"Choosing your companion."
A companion!
There is a cart filled with exactly four animals pushed into the room. There is a bunny, a bird, an alligator and an egg. An egg? Well, there is a lot to choose from but...
"You know, you only need to choose one," Princess Celestia interrupted, "And you need to choose wisely because who knows, one of them might be your faithful pet."
I looked into every animals eyes and see if they were really mine. If I can, I must see through deep into their feelings.
Wait! The bird...
"Princess, I think I'd chose one... The bird?"
"Hm, so you've chosen the baby phoenix?"
"Th-the phoenix?!?" I can't believe that I chose a phoenix! I've never seen Phoenixes in my life before because they were just mythical creatures.
"This fledgling came from my pet Phoenix, Philomena, who just had little hatch-lings lately. The others were able to fly when they grew up. Those phoenixes were able to find their own family. But this one," Princess Celestia caressed the little phoenix, "It refuses to leave its own nest but is a very knowledgeable bird. It learns from its mother. To tell you the truth, it can talk."
"Hi there."
Whoa! It can talk!
"Now it is a rare occurence even I didn't undestand. But it is a bird I can't give to anypony," Princess Celestia added, "When I just realized that it wanted to have its own adventure, I decided to put them for adoption. I just knew, from the very heart of mine, that this bird will be owned by a righteous owner. Vanguard, I want this opportunity of yours not wasted. I want you to give everything this hatch-ling need and want." Celestia handed the baby phoenix to me, very gently.
"I will your highness! I will take care of it!" As I was about to reach the bird, it flew into me, within my hooves. Its so very cute! I can't believe I passed, with a prize!
~~~
"Don't go far off, Vanguard! Remember that you came from here, okay? And look after your 'bird'!"
"That'll do, dad and I will!"
"Hmmm, hey little fella... Maybe I should give you a name... Hmmm... Scorch? Blazin? Fire???"
*burp* "No, don' like it"
"Wait, what about Burp?"
"Hmmm, Owkay!"
"Then Burp it is."
*Breathing deep* the very wind of success came blowing us by the gardens. Even Burp liked it. The gardens itself is very prestige and elegant. You can see the cloud city up high and by the cliff, Ponyville below. Canterlot has everything a pony can enjoy!
I just heard a crash. What was that?
OH SWEET CELESTIA! WHAT A BIG DRAGON I SAW!
I think the dragon grew inside the tower, like WOW! After that I heard a screech coming from the cliff. I look by the cliff and saw a... a... a... sonic rainboom? I... I've never seen a sonic rainboom before. Burp's eyes begin to widen up in fascination. Looks like somepony achieved the impossible. And look! There is a trail of a rainbow growing over the horizon. I am going to tell this to mom and dad. But wait, I'm still not finished roaming around Canterlot. Maybe they saw it so I am going to tell them later. My heart beats so fast when I witness something very exciting.
A moment later, people from the streets came looking on it. I think they were fascinated of what they saw. A few seconds after though, they go back to their business. Although everypony I saw came looking, one particular filly didn't notice such thing...
Hi there! I'm Scribblestick the Chill, and my destiny is to seek out stories with unusually high numbers of downvotes and find out why. This review will comprise three sections: First Impressions (cover art, description, and tags), The Story, and Final Thoughts. So, let's dive right in, shall we?
-First Impressions-
Your description isn't bad. I don't think it's stellar, but it's not bad. My suggestion is to make it less of a plot summary and more of a hook. Also, if you must include an author's note, put it at the bottom. Your readers want to know what your story is about. Also also, you don't need to explain why you chose certain tags. Your readers should be able to figure it out on your own.
I also don't recommend squeeing over your OC. It makes me think this Vanguard fellow is going to be a self-insert or a Gary Stu, or both.
Oh, it should be "he is too young." Grammar slips in the introduction give off bad vibes.
-The Story-
Prologue
Please don't put emoticons in your story.
Your grammar and word choice are... interesting. Not unreadable, just odd. I'm not really sure what to make of it.
I think there's a lot more you can do with this prologue. You've told me a bunch of stuff about your character, but I'd rather see it. Showing, rather than telling, makes a story more interesting and, more importantly, allows you to use your space more effectively. For example, if you described young Vanguard telling his parents about his ambitions and showed him interacting with his parents, you could easily start establishing Vanguard's character--who he is, how he acts, and so forth.
Chapter 1
Using * * to set off sound effects comes off as cheap. Be more descriptive, something like: "The sound of the train's rattling wheels made me both nervous and excited."
Please don't.
You're having a lot of trouble with verb tenses and agreement. Is that on purpose? If not, I recommend finding a good proofreader who can help you with that.
The other thing I'll say is that you're just telling us stuff. "I was nervous." "I was excited." "I was hungry." I don't feel like I'm seeing this story through Vanguard's eyes or really making a connection to him. Try to show his emotions instead of just telling us. "My front legs shook slightly." "My eyes widened at the sight." "My stomach growled, and I felt a little dizzy." Use details like this to describe his emotions and let us infer the rest.
-Final Thoughts-
It's not a terrible start, but it could use some work and polish. If you struggle with grammar, find someone who can help you, and try to work on showing instead of just telling.
Best of luck!
~Scribblestick, the notoriously friendly reviewer
Ouch you hit me right in the grammar.
No. Bad pony. Bad. Do not use emotes in your story.
This is pretty much useless. We want to see the character's conflicts, not have them told to us.
Chapter One.
Do not use asterisks. Ever.
That's the simple way out. Instead describe the scene.
Also space out your paragraphs more. Hit enter twice. (Though good job at hitting it once, some authors can't even do that).
Also you switch tenses a lot. I know it's difficult to keep in a single tense but at least try.
Another thing, back to showing and telling, is that you repeatedly tell what he's feeling, instead of showing it. Try to describe what's happening now. If he's nervous maybe he's playing with his hoof.
Depart means to leave. You mean arriving. Furthermore it wouldn't be 'on' but 'at'
This is a really awkward sentence. Well, more awkward than most of them here.
Would be a better sentence.
Egad. Egad egad egad. I lied when I said the last was was a really awkward sentence. That is paled in comparison to this.
The first sentence:
First: You change tense. It used to be in past tense but with that 'are' it turned into present tense.
Second: Any pony kind.
I'm starting to suspect English isn't your native language. Your syntax is all flipped around. Here, I corrected it below.
Second sentence.
Pegasus vs pegasi.
Pegasi is plural of pegasus. So use it when referring to more than on pegasus. Also don't capitalize pegasus. Pegasus with a capital refers to Heracule's flying horse.
*Facepalm*
*Headdesk*
HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU DON'T KNOW SOMETHING YOU CLEARLY KNOW? You just said you didn't know it was part of the castle. But how can you not know something that you just clearly stated you did.
Again. Show versus tell. Describe how he feels. Physical and mental differences.
Wait, wait wait wait wait wait. Why is Celestia here to greet this pony? Seriously. If it was because she did the same to Twilight that was because Twilight made a dragon pop out of the roof and made more lights than a Canada Day fireworks show. Your OC has done none of that.
Just another little peeve but what child refers to their mother as mother. They'd call them mom.
Yada yada yada. Remove those asterisks. Describe them.
Since when can phoenixes talk. Can Philomena talk? No, she never has talked.
No. Bloody. Emoticons.
Very knowledgeable, but wants to be named an almost derogatory term... egad.
Special attention to this sentence.
Slow down. Slow down. Boom. Suddenly dragon. Describe everything in more than just a few sentences. And you don't need to bold the words and add more than one exclamation mark.
Rainbow Dash was in Cloudsdale, not Ponyville. Cloudsdale was over the horizon so that's why Applejack thought it pointed to Ponyville.
*Throws down something heavy*.
Boom. OC X Twilight shipping. Calling it now.
Don't do it. People will hate you for it. Please, trust me. Take another angle. Introduce another OC. Anything but another Twilight X OC shipping.
Final thoughts:
You need some help with grammar. Search around for a proof reader who isn't your friend.
Good Luck.
Thorlol: The Angry Scarfer.
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images.cryhavok.org/d/13825-2/Wat.jpg
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It was early in the morning, I was trying to convey it wasn't the worst story but it wasn't the best.
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It's fine, I was just funnin' with ya'. :3
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I know.
I can't really say much since Scribs and Thor pointed out your mistakes for you, so I'm just here to reinforce them. This isn't the worst in terms of grammar and sentence structure, but there's certainly a whole lot of room for improvement. Tiny mistakes in grammar and spelling here and there really start to add up and take the readers' attention away from the actual story. And as for your sentence structure, many of them are either short or awkwardly phrased, usually stacked one after another. They don't flow together, and that starts to make the story feel choppy.
Basically, most of these mistakes can be easily fixed after doing a quick proofread, whether by you or another proofreader. Being the loving fanbase we are, I'm sure there are plenty of people willing to help you out.
So anyway, that's just my two cents.
Oh...and no emoticons ever. Unless you're commenting. Like this.
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Okay I'll try to improve it!
By the way, can I improve it by editing?
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Um, I need to admit something
"The Phoenixes can't talk" thing:
I really wanted to do that and I know phoenixes can't talk.
Its just that I wanted to make 'Vanguard's pet' unique that the other phoenixes, thus making it interesting. This is fanfiction after all.
OC X Twilight shipping:
WHAT? They don't want that? That's okay. Oh yeah, I really have no intention of shippings by the way. I don't like it either Impressions can make differences you know.
And the grammar:
... you know what? Not bad, good job. Maybe I need to go on an English summer class for the time being and no offence.
PS. the emotions. Okay. Period
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Ah. I'll address the phoenix thing.
You see, you could make it talk and be able to convey its emotions through speech or you could step out of your comfort zone and keep the phoenix non talking and instead describe its actions. If it's confused it tilts its head to the side and squawks. If it's happy it jumps around and is more lively and lets its wings spread a bit. If it's sad then its slow, plumage is duller, its head hangs low, you get the point.
You do not have to lower the intelligence by having no dialogue for it. Make it feel like a phoenix.
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Okay. Thanks anyway.
Looks good so far, except for the grammar parts. Work hard, edit harder and it'll work.
Note: Why does the companion part remind me of Doctor Who?