S1E3: Adventuring We Will Go
Captain Holly Short was alone and in a firefight. The goblin triads had gotten even more difficult to deal with in the days after Opal’s last failed plan at world domination. Even though the pernicious pixie had lost one last time, the aftermath crippled both faerie and human civilizations alike. In both worlds gangsters had seized advantage of opportunity had begun to run rampant, gangsters like the well-armed goblin thugs who had the elfin captain pinned down behind a dilapidated old subway train. In other words, just an average Tuesday.
Holly reached into a pouch on the utility belt of her jumpsuit and removed a small, roughly egg-shaped object with a small box protruding off to the side. Holding it in her palm, she used her thumb to flip up a small cover on the box and then flicked a switch. She lobbed the grenade over her cover to the location of her wildly stupid but still dangerous antagonists. It rolled to a stop and a small timer clicked, igniting the concussive Semtex-based core which propelled the superheated plasma contained in the shell in a flaming wall that washed over and nearly completely engulfed the goblins. Unfortunately, goblins are fireproof, necessary to them because of their ability to conjure fireballs.
The grenade nevertheless achieved its desired effect. The blast was strong enough to knock the majority of the reptilian brutes off their feet, even blowing the skin off one who had been close to the point of shedding. The practical upshot of which was that they were all now disoriented enough for Holly to stand up and squeeze off several stunning low-power (blue level) Neutrino shots and more effectively put her adversaries out for the count. One, however, remained standing, and raised to his shoulder what could not be anything other than a Softnose bazooka.
“D’Arvit!” cursed Holly as the first slug of yellow light virtually destroyed the derailed subway car that had held up so well against the barrage of smaller weapons that had previously been discharged at her. She ran farther down the track in an attempt to find new cover, careful not to touch the third rail. This section of the New York metro system had been abandoned even before the technological apocalypse, but it was better to be safe than sorry. If that rail was still powered, her state-of-the-art suit wouldn’t be insulation enough to stop her nervous system from shorting out if she stepped on it.
The goblin was fumbling in his pocket for more AA batteries, like all the weaponized Softnoses left over from the first goblin insurrection took their power from. That launcher was powerful, but it took the charge from eight AAs to fire off one round. Someone new had obviously been supplying the triads these unorthodox ammunition sources, but Holly could worry about that later. Right now she needed to take advantage of the goblin’s preoccupation and take a shot. The low-intensity wide-bore burst she fired did little but make her reptilian foe stumble backwards, but it might have been enough, since he began to fall right over the potentially-deadly third rail. No dice. He got right back up, definitely not shocked to the point of incapacitation or death. This tunnel was unpowered after all.
“D’Arvit.” Holly swore for the second time in as many minutes. Flying low over the track, she retreated farther into the bowels of New York. Spotting another overturned subway farther along the tunnel, she quickly made a beeline for it, but first she turned and fired a medium-powered (purple level) shot from her Neutrino 3000 towards the goblin who at this point had concealed himself behind a large boulder as he reloaded. The beam pierced neatly through the rubble but failed to make contact with its intended target. Holly returned her full attention to reaching the subway, but then she realized something. There was a huge pit in the middle of the tunnel that went down for an undetermined distance and was well over 20 feet in diameter (this dimension was projected over the aforementioned geographical feature for Holly in real time via the HUD in the visor of her helmet).
“How in Frond’s name did that get there?” Holly completely failed to ask herself as she darted inside the sideways train car that was protruding over the precipice. She then realized she was trapped in there and dove out the other end, into the abyss. She fired up her Super Sportster model R2 wings (Foaly had apparently been going through a Mud Man racing plane phase when he named them) and spun around so that she faced upwards while still pursuing a somewhat downwards trajectory. Holly had jumped not a moment too soon, as a blast from the goblin’s Softnose knocked into the precariously balanced subway and sent it plummeting downwards, barely missing her as it fell. The experienced captain then holstered her Neutrino and switched over to her buzz baton, essentially a nightstick with the added kick of packing the same electrical punch as a stun gun. With this implement in hand, she was quickly able to fly up and subdue the goblin who was now standing stupidly at the rim of the hole looking down.
Like I said, just an average Tuesday.
Back in Equestria, Arty & co. were coming up on the edge of the Everfree Forest. Recovering the shirt had been easy enough. When they walked in, Lyra started babbling to Twilight about “I told you so and I knew this day would come and now I have proof just look at this thing I found blah blah blah blah blah” without so much as a comma, until Butler offered to silence her with a length of garrote wire he had taken from its hiding place coiled up in his wristwatch. This had the effect of making Lyra shut up and hand over the source of the agitation without further conflict. Artemis then did something quite unexpected. He walked up close to the frighted unicorn, removed his glasses, and looked into her eyes. His horn flashed momentarily with a cobalt light, and then he spoke a simple phrase: “Forget what you saw today.”
“Mesmer,” he explained as they left, “a basic form of mind control. Apparently faerie and unicorn magics aren’t entirely dissimilar.” He refused to explain to Twilight any more, like how he knew how to use the mesmer.
If Lyra had seen the rest of what Butler was packing, the mesmer wouldn’t have been necessary to keep her from spilling the beans- she would have died from a heart attack. In addition to a few basic survival supplies for the three of them in his saddlebags, Butler had on his person an arsenal of:
(1) Sig Sauer p220 45. ACP
(1) Sig Sauer p230
(1) Sig Sauer p938
(1) Derringer Two-Shot
(1) Compact Uzi submachine gun
(3) Sonix grenades
(5) oz. Semtex+remote detonator
(6) Kunai
(1) Large boot knife
(1) Blackjack
(1) Length of garrote wire (already mentioned)
(1) Pair brass knuckles
and
(over 9000) Badassery
Although these items were more than sufficient for defense even in the treacherous Everfree, he nonetheless had one more item he wished to acquire. So, back to our adventure-bound heroes.
“I still don’t understand why you found it necessary to buy a mace.” stated Twilight as the shadowy forest began to close in around them. “You already had so many violent implements of death. Also, you owe me 300 bits. That mace wasn’t cheap!”
“I find it just fascinating that you trade in solid gold coins.” remarked (who else?) Artemis. “The currency of The People who dwell in secret on my world is called ingots, but the transactions are all mostly digital. All of the real gold is locked up for safekeeping. Well, not all of it- I still have over ten million euros worth of it. I had up to a metric ton of their gold, but I gave a portion back and spent nearly half of the remainder.”
“That’s- peculiar, to say the least.” puzzled the intrigued purple unicorn, “Would you mind explaining to me how-”
“So, why don’t you tell us about your friends?” Butler quickly changed the subject. Twilight didn’t seem to notice and jumped at the chance to talk about friendship.
“Well, let’s see, let’s start with Rarity, whom you have already met. She is the personification of generosity-”
“That was going to be my third guess, actually, generosity was.” said Butler.
“Really?” exclaimed Twilight, “But- what were the first two?”
“Well, the second thing I thought was ‘vanity’”.
“I- guess I can see why you would think that. And- the first?”
“. . . Um, it was. . .” Butler’s eyes darted around behind his shades. “It was. . . whore.”
“Excuse me, Butler?” Artemis entered the conversation.
“Well, sir, did you see the way she was eying you?”
“I did not notice any deviation in her attitude between you and I, and neither between us and Twilight.”
“Hm, well, I didn’t see her giving me the bedroom eyes, just you. Although it could be that perhaps I was too busy being concerned on your behalf. After all, that’s what you pay me for. Your sense of self preservation can be, at times, and forgive me for saying this sir, but it can be at times somewhat lacking.”
“We’re here.” deadpanned Twilight, who was a bit put off by the suggestion that one of her closest friends was a slut. But now that she thought about it, she did notice some quirks in her friend’s manner to, among others, Twilight herself- She shook her head. “Nah.” she thought. “Couldn’t be.”
But, as she had mentioned, they had indeed arrived. Before them was a smallish hut, decorated with long masks designed in the Afrikaan style, as well as other exotic trivialities. This was the dwelling of Zecora, the pony they had come to see.
The building’s inside was just as macabre as the outside, more so in fact. Even more masks and similar artifacts brightened up the few square inches of wall space that weren’t already occupied by shelfs. These shelves contained jars and pots full of rare and uncanny ingredients Zecora used in her brews. Bundles of herbs and nets of empty pots hung from the ceiling, and in the very middle of the one-room house was a large black kettle full of a green boiling compound and sitting over a small fire. The building’s owner, a zebra adorned with many rings of gold, was sitting next to this kettle, slowly and inexorably stirring the contents within.
“Hello Zecora!” greeted Twilight. “I’ve brought some ponies I think you will want to meet.”
“I’m back.” statedly Holly quite truthfully to a tinfoil hat-wearing centaur. “Miss me?” After returning to LEP headquarters from her little skirmish beneath New York, the elf had decided to forego the mission report and instead go to see her friend Foaly, Civilian Technical Consultant for the LEP. His control booth was locked as usual, but Holly easily entered with the passcode Foaly never really changed: 5-14-9-12-1-2-1-12-12-1-3. As usual, Foaly acted completely surprised as to how Holly had gained access to his dominion, and as usual she told him to cut the crap.
“You’re no fun.” he sulked.
“Yeah, well, I figured you’d be used to it by now. Listen, I just got back from an engagement, and I really don’t want to fill out the paperwork. Could you take care of it for me?”
“Listen, Holly-” the centaur began “Commander Kelp has another mission he needs you on.”
“I just got back! I can’t do it now- I- I- I have paperwork to do!”
“Holly, the mission- it’s about Artemis.”
“What about him?” a hint of concern crept into the captain’s tone.
“He’s been missing for three months.”
“Meet me at the armory in five.” Holly jumped into action. “I need to resupply. You can debrief me while I prep.”
“That’s the attitude I was looking for.” Foaly gave a half smile.
A few minutes later Foaly and Commander Kelp were explaining the situation to Holly as she set herself up with fresh equipment.
“Here’s the deal,” said the commander, “We’ve already sent a recon agent to scope out the manor. He found intense magical residue in Fowl’s private quarters. We had our experts analyze it, and it turned out to be largely temporal in nature. No1 believes he can replicate the spell that left the residue.
“If you’ve already sent a recon guy in to see what the deal was, what do you need me for?”
“We need a team. When No1 does that spell, odds are it’ll lead us straight to Artemis. We need someone to follow through on that.”
“You’ve come to the right girl.” Said Holly, “Now, who else is on my team.”
“Well, you’re leading it, obviously.” continued the commander; “We’ve chosen two officers to accompany you. Private Chix Verbil-“
“A bit of a pain in the ass to deal with, but not the worst.” mentioned Holly.
“-and my brother, Private Grub Kelp.”
“You have got to be kidding me.” deadpanned Holly. “I need backup, not comedic relief. That’s all you’re giving me.”
“Not my decision,” Trouble informed his star captain; “Author’s orders.”
“Aw, fuck.” Holly swore in plain English using her faerie gift of tongues, for no other reason than making sure the author knew exactly how she felt. And safe on his side of the Fourth Wall, Melvin G. Biv, author, smiled.
Holly composed herself. “Just get Grub and Chix down here. I need someone to yell at. Inform No1 that I’m ready whenever he is.” Holly put her helmet on and cracked her neck. “Whatever happens, there had better be some asses to kick, ‘cause I’m all out of bubblegum.”
Our friends in Equestria were getting along fine, not thinking of rescue or indeed if they were in fact stranded on an alien world with no way to get back. Then Artemis brought the subject of getting back, and Twilight wrote a note down to the effect of investigating return strategies while the experiments into ‘randomosity’ were being performed. Artemis had at first been wary of the location chosen by his new equine ally, but this changed when Zecora’s secret underground laboratory was opened. The colt found himself quickly at home amongst the equipment, and soon he, Zecora, and Twilight were overtaken by the fervor of scientific discovery as they worked together. Butler was not taken over by anything but suspicion and maintained his usual post of glaring at anything that moved and most certainly at inanimate objects. He had introduced himself to Zecora not as Domovoi Butler, nor simply Butler, but as Domestic Revenant. This new world had given him a raging sense of paranoia.
“How long are we going to be here?” inquired Butler, just a hint of boredom creeping into his professionality.
“Mr. Revenant, you appear to need something to do. Perhaps you could help me get started with this stew?” Zecora rhymed. She had ceased working in the lab with Twilight and Artemis and was currently preparing cook a meal for all four ponies, as it was starting to get late.
“Why not?” replied ‘Mr. Revenant’.
As the zebra and huge black stallion conversed in the hut proper, the unicorns continued working in the lab. Artemis and Twilight found that they worked well together. They had chemistry, so to speak, although under the current circumstances that word might have been better replaced by ‘magic’. The pair were using a spell called ‘magic sight’ to observe the randomosity shirt. Twilight had been teaching Artemis some other minor spells as they worked, and he proved to be a quick learner. But he didn’t know everything about this world, and this was about to become painfully evident.
The debonaire colt had been examining some of the arcane herbal regents amassed here and there, and reached out with a telekinetic aura to turn a jar so he could better read the label, but, besides achieving this, he unknowingly misfired and destabilized an already precariously perched pot on a shelf above his head. Too late, he looked up as the earthenware container fell. It shattered across his cranium and scattered its contents, pale blue flowers, across his body. For a moment Artemis felt sick, then he passed out out. But just before everything went black, he was sure he heard somepony say “-overdose on poison joke.” Then, as I stubbornly insist on redundantly mentioning, everything went black.
When Artemis came to, he was surrounded by a large crowd of ponies, which quickly turned into three as his quadruple vision started to die down. Butler retracted his hoof, having just finished taking his charge’s pulse.
“Do you you feel?” Twilight inquired of Artemis.
“Oh, excellent. Nothing like nausea for feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.” he replied in a characteristically sarcastic manner.
“She’s fine.” said Butler, with no little sense of relief.
“Now that my well-being has been settled, would somepony mind explaining to me what, exactly happened. Also, could I be informed as to why you are all staring at me? Now that I think about, I do feel a little off. . . oh, and Butl- I mean Revenant, why did you refer to me as a ‘she’?” Artemis was starting to get confused now.
“We-e-e-e-ell. . .” intoned the other three in unison, all clearly bearing some secret they did not wish to tell Artemis.
It was Twilight who finally began explaining. “You see,” she began, a little nervously; “the contents of that pot that you were exposed to- they’re a plant called poison joke. A magical flowering herb in the same genus as poison oak. The effect of contact with poison joke is basically the Universe having a laugh.”
“You are saying I’ve been japed by a flower. I suppose you might as well explain what the effect was on me.”
“Hehehe. . .” continued the unicorn “I’ve never seen poison joke do this before, but I’ve also never seen an exposure rate to the plant like this before.”
“Get on with it, then. Don’t be shy.”
“. . . it turned you into a female.”
“I would be most pleased with you if you could honestly tell me that there is a cure.”
“To rid yourself of the joke’s cruel deed, all my words you must heed. An herbal soak is what you need.” It was Zecora’s turn to speak, her peculiar rhyming form of speech unmistakable.
“Is that all?”
“That it is, but beware! The brew will take time to prepare.”
“Brilliant!” enthused the pale colt- I mean, filly- but not entirely sarcastically.
As if the Universe was not content simply with Arty’s laughable poison joke predicament, at that moment it chose to allow three Lower Elements Police officers to step through a hole in space-time, right outside Zecora’s hut. The middle officer’s LEPrecon armband, captaincy signified by three gold acorns, heliotrope visor, and female gender made her unmistakable as anyone other that Holly Short.
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Quite possibily the best line in history,
... Well this cannot end well
2477472 Thank you, sir.
2477535 Thanks for the critique. Now go read a story you do like.
2477640 The so-called "mischaracterizations", the author comments, the whatever you have an issue with, those are there for a reason. I band these universes to my will because I can and because it suits my master plan for the end. Thanks for wanting to help.
Good day, sir, I said, good day!
2477700
Show me where this happens.
9000 Badassery? BWAHAHABAHAHAHA
best line ever. i cant wait to see whats next! how will they explain to holly what happened?? awkwardness will happen
2479932 Well at least somebody appreciates me.
So.....
QUICK SOMEONE GET A NAME FOR A FEMALE AR-
Oh wait...
I wanted Artemis to have a bigger reaction to suddenly being gender-swapped.
It would be hilarious if Artemis was a female for longer, one chapter at least! PLEEEEEEEEEASE
Yesh, new chapter.
i1279.photobucket.com/albums/y534/Zoegrace1/ArtemisPonyfemalelol_zps5944f9fb.png
First Fanart,
OH MY GOSH WHAT DID YOU DO TO ARTEMIS
Not much to say about the Shipping. So if Artemis ended up as a girl, then does that mean he ends up getting shipped with males, and THEN after he returns to being male....
2480942
Hellllllooooooo???
2515581 Mother of Celestia! This is what happens when I blink. You go crazy in the comment department. Let's see, where to start replying? Okay, first of all, thanks for the fanart. You replicated my Arty pony pretty well without actually having seen the image I generated. Secondly, of course Artemis won't return to male in the beginning of part four. What do you take me for? And thirdly and last for now, patience. You must have patience. I'll- uh- I should have part four up in- heh- a month maybe?
You have to understand, I have other projects- please don't beat me.
2516532
I have patience. (kind of)
Also, I drew the picture from the description in Page 2. It's exactly what you said, although I imagined the banner on the cutie mark to be a velvet blue, not grey.
2516532
A message from Artemis
i1279.photobucket.com/albums/y534/Zoegrace1/FemaleArtemisPony2_zps5eaf5b37.png
RETURN OF THE BUTTERFLY HAIRTIES!!!
I'm sorry, but I expected more vomiting blood and mucus when Artemis is affected by the Poison Joke.
2517301 The banner is sandy brown. It's in the official reference which will be released when I finish Butler.
2517525
What did he ever do to you? Don't you think he's been enough enough dying and getting mauled by gorillas and such? Faugh!
2517451 His eyes are mismatched in this universe, by the way. I can come up with an official explanation if need be.
2517688
No. He still, er, still ends up as female, but it makes alot more sense to be suddenly vomiting EVERYWHERE if you were being gender-swapped.
2517679
Colour Scheming! It should be Hazel then, sorry.
2517696
He died in TLG, but Foaly grew a clone, remember?
2517714 Doesn't work that way in video games.
2517736
IT DOES IN MY HEADCANON (Wait, This is a video game?
)
Whenever something transforms they start vomiting everything from blood to tissue to unnecessary organs.
2517773 Hmm, interesting. But this poison joke deals in practical jokes, not cruel and ironic turns of fate.
2517785
Oh OK.
So where did all the excess, uh 'stuff' go?
um i think the fourth wall was well and broken when holly directly addressed you... welp time to repair it *Gets bricks and mortar*
i.imgur.com/W3Jxad3.gif
yay