In the Crystal Empire, a young filly appears from single feather from a pony and the lingering dark magic of King Sombra and she runs away on her own.
Now, the filly finds herself under the care of Fluttershy and Big Macintosh, who came to call her Petunia Snow, and lives in fear of these dark shadows in her head. What will become of the new filly? Will she flush out these dark vissions and except others into her life? Or will she become the new Sombra and spread her dark shadows over Equestria through the beautiful Crystal Empire?
:Cover art was done by my best friend, SpeedyandRose:
Chapters (7)
Nice! Great job with this, man, an excellent start to this.
2238128
Allow me to critique. if you would.
Grammar wise, I noticed a few errors, but nothing completely cringe worthy. I also noticed you spell crystal with an h. I'm not very familiar with that spelling of the word but I guess it's whatever makes you comfortable. On a similar note, you use that word a lot. I know we're in the Crystal Empire and the chapter is focused around a crystal, but I feel there might have been ways to reduce the number of times you said it.
Anyway, the story itself is off to a decent start. Your exposition is good but has room for improvement which is great. Characterization so far is good. The dialogue itself is good, however...
When you put an action tag like, 'he said', or 'she replied,' unless it's a character's name, it shouldn't be capitalized. Also there shouldn't be a period at the end because the action tag is part of the sentence. Example:
Because what the guard is saying is technically one sentence with an action tag just describing, well, his actions; commas should be used instead of periods. Also switch out the second 'he' with 'and' or something of the like to avoid repetition and create a better flow.
Sorry, I'm ranting, let's move on.
Again, your exposition is pretty good with the new filly. At this point there are two things nagging me though.
One is, and I'm just assuming, that she ended up in the Everfree Forest. Honestly, there's no way she could have made it from the empire to Ponyville in less than a day. Alicorn or not, she's still a filly and the distance between the two places is quite large.
Second is the random Ursa attack. The Timberwolf was okay, you could have built up a little more to it but it was fine, however, I feel the Ursa was just really out of place and sudden. I think you can think of other ideas of getting rid of the timberwolf.
All in all it was a fairly decent chapter. But now there is something I must warn you about.
You are writing a story in the same vein as Past Sins. These are dangerous waters you're trying to navigate. You are going to have to make your story the best it can possibly be and also try to deviate some from the original work or you will be torn to piece... or downvoted to the depths of Tartarus. I don't want to see that happen to you so make sure you know with absolute certainty what you are doing. Also, since this is Sombra's reincarnation, she really doesn't have to be an alicorn. Sombra wasn't an alicorn, just saying.
One final note, the short description you have, what people see when they're browsing, you might wanna shorten it. Seems a tad spoilery.
I will watch this and see where it goes.
2238433 Thank you for the advice. I'm trying to make this one the best I can and I was planing on going back to this chapter to make some changes here and there. I thought crystal was spelled with an h for a while, so that's a fail on my part. Sorry,I don't have spell check.
I'm thinking a 'lot' about this story so it doesn't end up like bast sins.
In the matter of the filly being an alicorn,I know I didn't have to make her one, I just saw opportunity here to creat one. I mean, if I realy wanted, I would have made this character a grey unicorn with black mane and red eyes and a colt, not a filly.
Just to some it up, I'm realy challenging myself to make something good and the audience will like. So this is what I've got to start with.
Thank you again for the pointers and critique. I'll be going back to make changes and fix what errers I can spot.
I liked to read "Past Sins" and I hope this story will bind me too
Is Petunia an alicorn or a pegasus? Also, will you have Fluttershy confronting Sombra who possesses Petunia and have her say something along the lines of "Give me back my daughter"?
2242197 Petunia is an alicorn. Origionaly I didn't intend to make her an alicorn but when the idea crossed my mind, I saw it as a good opportunity to make an attempt at that wich is hard to get approval from the audience. And I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing for the end yet.
Good start, I look forward to seeing where this story will go.
2242540 I'm glad people are liking this story. I've been putting a lot of time into this, so it's makes me happy that people are approving this.
Excellent job, and that was a pretty big chapter for you! I hope you continue to pour out the awesomeness that is your story :D
2254047 I intend too.
It's just going to take some time.
A LOT of spelling mistakes but I'm liking the story so far.
And Happy birthday!
Happy Birthday!
And another good chapter!
2254121 Thank you.
2254215 Thank you.
This is a pretty nice story.
But one thing you MUST keep in mind:
This is an angle
tanasinn.info/images/b/b6/800px-Angle_measure.png
This is Angel bunny.
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120214100912/mlp/images/d/d1/Angel_is_not_impressed_S1E07.png
Seriously, reading this mistake every other paragraph takes me out of the flow of the story. And I don't want to not enjoy a promising story because of a spelling error.
2283910 Thank you for poiting that out. I'll get right to fixing that.
Man you have really been improving with damn near everything!
Keep up the good work.
Another fantastic chapter, my friend. As Ryno39 mentioned, you're constantly improving with your storytelling :D
2290228
Thank you! Now if only I could do a chapter without errers the first time around.
Yeah! You're back!
2421896 Been jumping back and forth between new ideas, new job, talking with my GF and other stuff life can throw. What do you think?
2422000
I really like, you're going far.
And have fun with you're girl friend.
2422027 Cool. I'm glad this story is doing good.
And thank you.
Fantastic chapter! You're doing really well with this, man, really well. Keep it up!
2425970 Thank you bro.
The plot thickens and thickens! Very nicely done, you're doing a great job with these additions, very mysterious and intriguing :D
2473878
A great chapter and pretty intense. I have a feeling that there are in fact things to worry about.
It's spelled Diamond Tiara, by the way. Your spelling makes me want to say Ronnie James Dio-mond Tiara.
2514887Thank you for that correction, I knew I had something big wrong, but I was too lazy to check.
I came across quite a few typos in just the first few paragraphs of the prologue. If you can't be bothered to run the story through a spell checker, I can't be bothered to read it.
2780203 I HAVE NO DAMN SPELL CHECKTER!!! I've stated this a thousand times. If you want to be a spell nazzi than go somewhere else.
2780340
http://www.spellcheck.net
2780345 Let me state this again. All I have to get online is my PSVita wich doesn't have all the functions a regular computer has. No copy/paste, no adobe or flash of any kind, or anything like that.
I have to type everything manually and I don't have access to everything.
I'm sorry, but untill I get a real computer this is the best I can offer.
equestrian is not a democracy, this cannot be stressed enough, twilight and for fausts sake celestia weild supremem authority in equestrian, if they say caring can't take her then caring pressing forward would be illegal.
Sun or Son ?
and Who are the tocking about ?
7216750 The two bullies paid Caring to take Petunia away, I figured that'd be obvious.
7217661 where is that typo exactly?
7217867 and it was worth jail time for?
7219358 Quite frankly, it's people who think like you that really kill the story. If absolutely EVERYTHING had to be 100% accurate to life, it'd be boring. Petunia would've been dead long before she reached, etc. Stop nit picking things and just enjoy what's there in front of you.
Oh please make this a Big Mac and Flutershy ship
This better not be a tyrant celestia thing
Ok you've gone on long enough you got some explaining to u don't have to give away anything in the story I'm so confused on what's going on
Uh why is the last paragraphs bold
Ok just tell me this has a happy ending
If u say read and find out I'm prob going to stop reading.
U can privet mail me if u don't want everyone to know
7346428 the intent is to be a happy ending. yes, big mac and flutters will most likely be a ship in this. and as for Tia, I won't answer.
Petunia is a predestination paradox!
that's a new 
7747535 A what?
7753184
a self fulfilling prophecy
7861887 Ah. And you approve of the idea?