John's and Twilight's Story
John Stalkey waited. The lights blinked and sparked in the air. There were ponies in the base. He hadn't seen them, but had expected them try like something like this for years. His warnings of Cornol Jonesy were not listened to, it was too late, far too late for now anyway.
John was an ocean marine for 12 years. When he was a kid and watched the Equestrian ships enter the portals from overseas, he turned and said to his dad, "I wanna be on the ships Daddy."
And his dad said, "NO! THEY WILL TURN YOU INTO A PONY!"
There was a time when he believed that they will force him to convert him, but as he got oldered, he stopped. But now he knew the time is now to fight the ponies. "This is Jonesy," the radio crackled, "You must fight the ponies!" So John gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall.
"He's going to kill us!" Cried the ponies. "I will shoot at him!" Said Princess Celestia and she shoot the rocket potion. John tried to plasmed and blew her up. But then the ceiling collapsed on them and he was not able to kill. "NOOO! I must kill the ponies!" He shouted.
The radio said, “No John, you are the ponies."
And then John was a unicorn.
..............................
Princess Twilight shook her head in disgust at that horrid story about her teacher and almost crumbled the paper into dust but stopped herself in time from doing so. "That has got to be the worst thing I've ever read," the purple alicorn princess whispered her thoughts out loud.
"What are you talking about?" Asked a male voice from behind the alicorn which caused her to quickly regain her composure before facing its source.
After taking a good look at the Asian human's face that has slightly peachy skin and very narrow green eyes, Twilight remembered that she was standing in the middle of a somewhat large empty room that used to be an office room of the abandoned building. "I take it you wrote this," she said as she levitated the paper towards the man in a normal green shirt, black jeans, and brown shoes.
The man took the paper in his hands and read it for a little bit before his eyes grew a bit bigger in surprised, "Oh hey, you found my old story. I thought I lost it years ago and..." His voice trailed off as he noticed the deadpan look on the princess's face.
Twilight sighed in frustration, "You know Tim, if we weren't friends, I probably would have given you a stern lecture about why it's not healthy to write stories like these, especially when they're this poor." She glared at him in annoyance.
Tim chuckled nervously as he scratched his head, "Please don't."
"Hard to believe that you're the same man who helped us save both our worlds," Twilight shook her head and took a look at the abandoned room with a hurt look on her face, “You sure you want us to take this building down, the barrier isn’t in your world anymore and our two worlds are only connected through portals now, We’ll be destroying a piece of your childhood… again,” the princess said sadly.
“Yes, I’m sure and besides,” Tim said as he held up the badly made fiction to the alicorn, “I don’t think it will be, ‘healthy’ for me to keep things like this floating around as part of my childhood right?” He asked with a smile while Twilight doesn’t appeared to be amused by the human’s attempt at humor, therefore turning the man’s smile into a frown, “Look, I know you want to try to preserve everything in the world now that our worlds are split and want to redeem your relationship with mankind for what you did to us. But I think that this old place could have a better use for people and ponies other than just an old hideout for a kid too old to go back there now. Think of it as this way, we’re not destroying a childhood hideout but recreating it for new childhoods to be made by children, and come on we’re not completely destroying my childhood , just moving it into a different place, which is why we’re here in the first place… That didn’t sound as good as it did in my head.” He said while shaking his head only to be cut off by Twilight’s giggling, which earned her a look of confusion on his face, “and what’s so funny?”
“Sorry, but I can’t just help but think how ironic it is that YOU’RE telling me that it’s alright to ‘destroy’ something of your world and I’m the one trying to preserve it,” the princess’s tail swung to the side as she looked back at the Asian, “We used to be at each other’s throats when I thought the barrier couldn’t be stopped and we were saving humanity.”
“Actually you were trying to end it,” Tim said half joking and half serious.
Twilight rolled her eyes while shaking her head with a smile at knowing better than to start this again, “Oh, but you know what I mean.” She said while playfully jabbing her hoof the air.
Tim chuckled, “Heh, you’re right. I think you guys still have some of our ‘human artifacts’ when you thought the barrier would destroy all life as we know it.” He chuckled some more before going to the desk behind Twilight, “Who would’ve thought that Bill was right that the barrier was the true problem all along?”
“Actually, what we found in there was…” the princess’s voice trailed off when she notices the sullen look on the young Asian man’s face before he went back to rummaging through the desk, “right… What matters is that we stopped the source of the problem, all twelve of us.” Twilight said the last few words with emphasis as she remembered how she and her friends, along with the help of six other humans which Tim was a part of, had save their worlds, and how almost everyone had come really close dying doing so from facing their own personal demons, which still left some heavy mental scars on Tim and prefer it that anyone doesn’t bring it up again.
“Goes to show the world that we humans can have harmony with each other if we put our mind to it,” Tim said with a smirk as he put some of his old belongings into his bag.
“Just that you have to work harder on it,” Twilight said, returning the smirk on her muzzle as well as she watched Tim stood up.
“Oh har, har, did you forget that you guys got your work cut out for you as well?” He asked with his arms crossed.
“Yeah, I know, especially with what we have to deal with right now. But I believe that we will succeed, both ponies and humans.” The princess looked at him with determination. She, the princesses, and her friends will have good relations with the humans like they did before the PER(Ponification for Earth’s Rebirth) and HLF(Human Liberation Front) caused disharmony between the two races. Whether they were unintentional or not about the strife they caused, both groups still had to be disbanded immediately or else face harsher punishments for the crimes they committed against humans and ponies. Though, Twilight can’t help but feel sorry for most members on both sides since they didn’t know they were being manipulated from the start. Like how PER never knew there was something wrong with their potions which made the conversion worked too well and how HLF were attacking places that never belonged to PER which led to the death of innocents.
“Twilight,” Tim called out to the princess pony, interrupting her thoughts.
She looked up at the now seriously sad looking Asian, “Yes.”
“Will you do everything you can to make sure this place will get new memories?” The man asked while he placed his story on the dirty desk.
The alicorn nodded, “Yes, I will, you are my friend after all.”
“Thank you…” He said as he worked to pick up his bag.
Suddenly, a devious smile crossed the pony’s face, “Speaking of friends, have you and Holly taken your friendship to the next level?”
“Wha? T-Twilight I thought you were the princess of friendship not the princess of love!” The man exclaimed at being taken off guard by her question, and then turned to leave the room as quickly as possible.
The pony princess began her pursuit of the leaving human, “Of course I’m the princess of friendship but that doesn’t mean I won’t want my friends be even happier together and I’m not the only one who wants this to happen for you two.”
“Oh come on! When are the ten of you going stop trying to get me to hook up with her?! I told you, real life doesn’t work like that!” Tim yelled at Twilight while blushing furiously as they left the room together side by side.
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Before I read, I must know: Are john the pony's?
Not a bad idea, but you might want to use a spellcheck, there are even some typos in the description (for example, "pardoies")
2230255
2230402 but jhon hasn;t became magic?
2230416 He has, because he's one of them now.
2230427 nO1
i Should kill my high scool now?
2230438 Are you saying there are ponies in your high school? Be careful, they might be dangerous... in their own way...
1. Show, don't tell.
2. Don't start off an attempt at a serious fiction with something that can be easily construed as a troll-fic.
3. You failed to mention what the HLF and PER actually are.
4. Posting story ideas in the form of reminiscing as full stories takes away a lot of the entertainment value if what is being reminisced about is the interesting part, rather than character reactions to it.
5. I hardly think this constitutes as a Doom crossover.
2230255
According to the guy's story, yeah.
2230402
Kind of annoying how writing badly on purporse still sticks to me even after I was done with it.
2230684
1. My greatest weakness.
2. One of the fake outs that failed spectacularly then...
3. Darn.
4. Please name one story in this site that does this. I'm actually serious which story does the reactions better when characters are reminiscing
5. Well I'm not exactly allowed to post a story this small here. But yeah you're right, it's more of a parody.
My eyes are bleeding. So from what I gather is that stuff happens and John turns into a unicorn, then he is a human. Then Celestia is mentally handicapped and this causes her evilness... Look to be honest it looks like there wasn't really effort involved in writing this as the grammar is terrible and the story tell of it comes off as telling us what is happening instead of showing us. You say that there are both HLF and PER in the story but never really tell us. Also the story so far sucks.
If you want to continue it then I would suggest sitting down for a while and planing out everything. Like the main characters, the settings you might use (perhaps do some research on the areas if you don't have a good grasp on them), as well as the story and where you are heading with it. I'd also look into having someone read over it, after you have read over it yourself, checking for grammar and spelling mistakes.
2231391
Hopefully the grammar you're referring to is about the rest of the story when Princess Twilight comes in, because anything before that was done on purporse since the original Doom Repercussions of Evil fanfic was actually written like that. As Reginald said, I mentioned what they did and what happened to them during the event, but never really said what they are (or supposed to be) for people not familiar with the TCB universe. I just figured just merely saying what they did to get themselves to disband or face judgement is good enough of an idea of what they are.
That's what I normally do but since it was only a spur of a moment story, I only checked over it once. Although I wasn't surprised about the story being bad in general, what I'm more surprised, from what you're telling me, is that you didn't know that the story involving John and Celestia is "story within a story," like any indication that the "first couple of paragraphs" was written by another character in his youth doesn't exist.
2231929
Still even if the original one was written like that it still reads bad throughout and the time and effort you put into it reflects it. Also having a story within a story has to make sense instead of it being tacked on at the end because that is how it reads to me.
2232681
Tacked on the end? The story within the story is the first thing you read. I mean, how many stories begin with a fake out before you find out that it was another story that was read by another character?
Please, please tell me that what you think read bad is the Twilight Sparkle portion of the story rather than John's since his story was written like that done on purpose. Because from the way I'm interpreting your message, what happened is that you were so disgusted by John's part of the story that you skimmed the rest of it without ever realizing that John is a fictional character written by Twilight's friend. That's not what happened isn't it? I'll understand a little bit more if you read it while wondering "where the heck is John and who is this Tim person?" But that will just give me more questions about how did you not know that everything in italics at the beginning wasn't *ahem* "real?"
5 words: "What the fuck just happened?"