Later That Day
When I awoke, I found that I was back in a cavern not unlike my own, that there was a fish in front of me, and that a fire was rustling, the sign of Kalki's dedication to my safety. After stretching out and taking a few bites out of the cod, I left the small cavern to find Kalki sitting by the lake in the distance, eating a fish of his own. Apparently, though my ice magic was stronger, it was still prone to melting, and he gathered fish from the lake after seeing this.
After trotting my way over to the lake, I suddenly came up with an idea, one that I knew would bring a smile to Kalki's face.
"Hey, Kalki, do you wanna see something cool?" A grin the size of all of Equestria sprouted on my face.
"Of course, Snow! What do you have in mind?" I could tell he was feigning enthusiasm, but ignored it.
"When I ran along the ice with the magic covering up my feet, I got really excited! I want to try it again, so if it's okay, could I freeze just a little bit of the lake?" I asked, giving him a puppy-dog face.
"That sounds fine, as long as you don't make it too thick!" He took another bite out of his delectable fish.
"Yes! Now let's see...how did I do it last night?" I began to focus my energy into my horn, the glow returning to it, and allowed the wave to spill out over the lake, stopping the flow of magic about halfway through the waters. Next, I relocated some of my leftover magic to my hooves. The feeling tickled at first, and I couldn't help but giggle.
With everything ready, I trotted my way to the icy lake, and began to glide, at first with hesitation, then with confidence, along the ice. The feeling was amazing - the wind flowing through my mane, the freedom that the ice gave me - I didn't want it to end. Soon, I began to skate around in circles, picking up speed with each passing second.
"Interesting...she's using the magic that covers her hooves as a physical barrier between her and the ice, like a pair of ice skates..." Kalki wondered where my idea came from, but I doubt I'd be able to tell him convincingly that I actually pre-planned anything that happened last night.
It wasn't long before I began to get bored of skating in circles. It was time to do something exciting, to really make Kalki cheer! After skidding to a halt, I resumed skating along the ice, building up speed. Once I had created enough momentum, I did something that, looking back, was a bit crazy, and began to levitate the ice below me as I skated along, slowly lifting me ever-higher into the air. There was no fear of falling - I had been taught to dispel such fears. Once I was about 20 feet in the air, I began to lift my front legs up, my balance rough, but still there.
Below me, Kalki was in awe of my prowess...just not in the best sense of the phrase.
"Snow Squall! Get down from there! You could hurt yourself!" He began to fly up, but I stopped him.
"Kalki, you should stay down there! You might miss my finale!" Knowing him, he was probably steaming was rage at my apparent recklessness.
Once my hooves were in the air, I began to reform the blocks of ice surrounding me into a large disc, and spun countless times in the center. The feeling of seeing the world flying around me with such speed was truly exhilarating, I must say, but the frigid air blasting against my body was overwhelming, and after not long, I lowered my platform to the ground and began to regain my balance, which took a surprisingly small amount of time. I expected Kalki to be infuriated. Instead, he came forward to me, taking a break from his meal.
"Very well done, Snow! I worried, but it seems you were able to handle that little feat just fine!" He turned his attention to my flank. "And it seems you've accomplished an even greater feat. Why don't you take a look at your flank?
As he requested, I peered into my reflection in the ice to find, to my surprise, that my flank had changed, the image of a pair of blue figure skates seemingly having been imprinted onto it. Shocked by the strange image and the manner in which it suddenly appeared, I exclaimed:
"Kalki? What's going on? Is something wrong with me? Is this some strange disease? How do I cure it? Should I -" He cut me off, placing a talon over my mouth.
"Nothing is wrong with you, Snow. Quite the contrary, actually. It seems you've earned your cutie mark." He gave me a warm smile. "Congratulations!"
"Cutie mark? What's a cutie mark? Does it give me special powers?" I was absolutely brimming with excitement at this point.
"I'm afraid not, Snow. But what it does do is indicate that you have discovered your one true talent, what makes you special and different from everypony else. In your case, it seems your special talent is your ability to skate gracefully across the ice." He grinned at the mark on my flank, my "cutie mark". "This is the first time I've ever seen a pony gain a cutie mark. It simply came slowly into view as if it had always been there, waiting for you to find it yourself."
"You think I'm special?" I was simply waiting for additional praise at this point.
"Everypony is special, Snow. You're just special in your own way. Now that you've earned your own cutie mark, would you mind showing me a few more tricks?" Kalki walked back to his fish, awaiting my first true performance.
I began to gracefully land one trick after another, and for the remainder of the day, the sounds of laughter and cheering would permeate the air in glorious harmony.
Hmm, I'm not sure what to say about this story so far. It's a bit of an odd one... not in a bad way, just different.
Really not sure where this story is going. I actually semi-expected Kalki to die from that fight, then Snow Squall would decide it was time for her to try to find somewhere else to go.
I wonder how long a pony could survive eating just fish. Presumably they're capable of digesting meat, even if they never do ordinarily, since they do eat eggs. Still doesn't seem like the healthiest diet a pony could have, though.
Maybe Snow Squall is part Windigo or something. Probably not, though.
And as an interesting coincidence, the griffon's name is just one letter different from the screen-name I used to use everywhere.
2251886 I like to think that she does what she has to in order to survive. Fish are what she mainly eats, but I should really edit that line in the opening to clarify that she does eat other things. Mortality is going to play a role, I assure you!
And Kalki's name is both a misnomer and somewhat fitting. His name is an Indian word meaning "white horse", which is more suitable for Snow. But it also means "Destroyer of Filth" (Kalki is the final incarnation of the Hindu god Vishnu, who rids the world of impurity by destroying it), I use his name to refer to his purity.
I'm from Authors Helping Authors. I'm about to get started on your review. Expect to wait at least an hour.
2258500 An hour? I'm kind of scared now xD But alright, thank you for taking that kind of time...
Story: Frozen Over
This took far less time than I anticipated. Thanks, AHA, for the form.
Grammatik: 6. It's mostly good, but you occasionally have strange formatting and diction, and you make errors with both spelling and punctuation. I advise finding a prereader to check chapters before you upload them. Those are easy to get if you go around reviewing for different authors. You can normally talk at least one person into prereading for you. I have four.
Pros
1: The premise was new. I don't think I've seen anything take place in the Equestrian arctic.
2, You made efforts at both world building and character development. This is often overlooked by younger and newer authors. These things make longevity.
3. Dialogue was a key feature of the storytelling. This both takes more effort and skill than summarization. It allows the reader to learn your characters.
Cons
1,You have some issues with more advanced mechanics and syntax. Some sentences are just awkward.
2, The interlude chapters, especially the first one, broke the story flow and were mostly unneccessary.
3. Everything felt rushed, as you seem to be missing the buildup and development phases of writing and skipping ahead to payoff; it feels hollow and confusing.
Notes This is the part where I really let you have it. Don't take it personally, as this is what happens when mercenaries review pony fic.
I think that you need to go back over your mechanics again. The issues are relatively few, but they are noticeable. You seem to ask for a lot of suspension of disbelief, as if you're hoping that we won't bother to ask questions about how or why. Why is Snow Squall there? How does she live on fish? Why has she never tried to leave for kinder climes? That reminds me, what kind of name is Snow Squall? It seems like you took two Final Fantasy protagonist names and spliced them together. I very much like how you did character development and attempted to do world building. Those two things will mature into grand tales with time. I do have to tell you that the long and frequent time skips really upset the kilter of the story as well as meant that we missed a lot of interaction and development. Since you do not even summarize what happens during these skips, we might as well have entirely new characters when we return. It also makes it quite difficult to care about the characters. We just see them for brief snapshots, so we don't know how they grow or change too well. I do like Kalki. The idea behind the character is seldom seen in the fandom, especially given how Kalki is also like Snow's stepfather. Pacing was good when you bothered to stick with a period of time, and everything did improve the further on you went. However, I never lost the feeling of things being rushed. This is better than what most people do when they're sixteen and just getting started on writing through fanfiction.
Your fic is merely okay, all things consider. I award you 3/5 flutteryays. I have faith that you can become much better so long as you practice.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story, Racer And The Geek: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/81159/racer-and-the-geek
2258778 I'll answer your questions first.
Q: Why is Snow Squall there? A: This will be explored.
Q: How does she live on fish? A: I really should have elaborated on her diet a bit more, that she does in fact eat things other than fish from time to time. Someone actually wondered if horses can digest fish. They can, but that's a side note.
Q: Why has she never tried to leave for kinder climes? A: She has no real idea of where she is, and has no memory of other environments. This will also be explored, I expect in the same chapter.
Q: That reminds me, what kind of name is Snow Squall? It seems like you took two Final Fantasy protagonist names and spliced them together. A: First off, nice Final Fantasy reference, huge fan. Secondly, a snow squall is a harsh snowfall accompanied by winds. And thirdly, it's not her actual name, just a name Kalki gave her. Her name, like other things you've taken note of, will be revealed.
As for the time skips, I've heard that comment before, and I will try to make the skips shorter and less frequent. I know it's bad to say this, but I dismiss the events that happen between skips as being ordinary, non-important days. I also felt that documenting her learning how to speak would be a bit of a boring story.
I'll go back over the story, check for these unnecessary sentences, and remove as needed. Interludes will stop soon, as well. To be honest, I myself feel it can be a bit rushed at times.
As for your compliments, thank you.
I honestly felt that your review was going to be a lot harsher. Thanks for letting me know that there is work to be done on this, it makes me want to try harder.
Again, thank you!
2258849
You're very welcome. Of course, it's much better to cover something in your story rather than give it in a comment reply. This is especially true for things which have yet to occur.
BTW, don't forget that you owe me one.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/81159/racer-and-the-geek
2294899 I spend a lot of my time on other websites. You actually wrote that comment on the first night that I've been back here in about a week xD But I'll make sure to check yours out soon. I'm currently working on Chapter 3.
2300763
Good to see you've already considered some of the points I brought up. From what I have read, I really didn't think you were going to go Mary Sue with Twilight, but just wanted to point that detail out since there might be some who would jump on it and complain. I don't see any problem with it- there's nothing saying she CAN'T have that ability, and I'm sure you'll find other ways to offset that advantage.
As for my take on Kalki, let me clarify: I was saying that some of his spoken lines did not sound conversational, BUT since he's a griffon (and, as you point out, has a stoic nature), I thought it possible that you had intentionally written them that way-- and it looks like you did. If that's how you intended him to sound, then you got that part right. :)
With the 'Morning' line, what I was critiquing was the use of a colon before "Morning?" A comma would be more appropriate there. I picked up right away that she wasn't sure what morning was, so you conveyed the intended meaning very well.
I'm a little surprised writing in third person is harder for you. Is that common for people with autistic tendencies? Er, not to pry or anything.
Persnally, I feel restricted by the first-person voice, and like being able to describe things outside of the characters as well.
Anyway, like I said, the CONTENT is very interesting, and I really like how you've begun the story, and that's the most important part. Grammar and punctuation can be fixed, but a bad premise can't be saved. Yours is quite good!.
2300811 Oh, I see. You were talking about the grammar. I misinterpret a lot of things at 2 in the morning, sorry xD
Well, when you're autistic, you may have a hard time interpreting how others are feeling. To avoid the problem of not being able to sympathize with my own character, I decided to make her more like myself, and simply insert myself into the position. With me, first-person makes me feel like I'm telling the story from the point of view of someone watching events, but I prefer having my character more actively involved, so my POV is more suitable.
As I read it this I had a sense of impending doom loom over me as if this was going to be there last happy moment together