The Shadow Spirit

Thousands of years before the return of Nightmare Moon there was a third alicorn. Taken from his older sisters when he was but just a young colt by an unknown force, The young alicorn must face life alone. While he searched and searched for years, he couldn't find his sisters. Years went by and he forgot who he was, his purpose, what he had been searching for. One night Fluttershy has a dream. A dream of a dark presence in the Everfree Forest.

The Prologue and Chapter One shall be revised. They are currently obsolete, but read them anyway it's good feedback.

Note: Tags may change due to story changes. I chose the current tags as a rough verson of what may happen.

Here, some cover art just to piss you off. Enjoy.

Note 2: I own all OCs in this story.
All rights reserved to Hasbro and other pony related products.

Chapters (3)

Prologue · 5th Mar 2013 · 226 words
226
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Chapter 1: Dream · 6th Mar 2013 · 1,174 words
1,174
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Author's Note · 21st Mar 2013 · 112 words
112
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Comments ( 8 )

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Peppermint

Peppermint #1 · Mar 6th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1: Dream ·

25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvr6ssUq4Q1r5jtugo1_400.gif
I want to rip this apart really badly... but, alas, thou art saved, for thy can'nae for the time being

Guess I HAVE to be nice...
...
Here I go.
First, a fair bit rushed.
Second, THE LENGTH, THE WHOLE THING, TOO SHORT
Lastly, what's with the sudden jumps all over the place? might be an idea to get rid of them and try to lengthen it all.

And now, I must go, some other story need's me.
For now, I leave you with this to remember me by.

Key Strix

Key Strix #2 · Mar 6th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1: Dream ·

-Avoid being repetitious by not using the same words over and over. Use a Thesaurus if you have to.

-Break apart your writing between characters.
~Example~
Fluttershy's dialog and actions go here.
Other character's dialog and actions go here, on a different line.

-Try to avoid using "it" all the time. "It" can be too vague and can sometimes make things confusing. Try to be more direct with what your talking about to prevent any confusion.

Fixed-ish. Had to change nearly everything to make the structure flow and sound nicer. Compare this and really take a look at the use of punctuation, spacing, ect.

There was a dark presence in the Everfree Forest that Fluttershy felt watching over her as she passed by. "W-who’s there?" The mare quietly asked as she looked to the vast collection of trees that surrounded her.
The presence spoke with a ghostly voice. "Who... speaks... with life... will always... protect it."
Terrified that she got a response by something that sounded to be in sheer pain, Fluttershy immediately froze in place.
A hazy equine figure then formed from the shadows and approached the trembling mare. Using a softer tone, the spectral-like being spoke again, its voice dry and raspy as if not used in ages. "Do not be afraid," it echoed, "please… do not be afraid."
Such words continued to echo in her mind even as Fluttershy had awoken. She sat up in her bed and looked over her body that shook violently while cold sweat dripped down her brow.
Angel was right by her side with a worried look.
"Don't worry Angel,” Fluttershy reassured with a forced smile as she whipped at her wet brow, “I'm fine. Just had… a bad dream is."
Not wanting to press further, the bunny acknowledged her explanation.

Alicon Glactistar

Alicon Glactistar #3 · Mar 6th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1: Dream ·

Hey I'll work on any errors and stuff. Remember I'm new at this.

Alicon Glactistar

Alicon Glactistar #4 · Mar 21st, 2013 · · · Author's Note ·

2222744 I know, I know. Rushed and all that but I would like a pc to do this faster and easier. But yes it is rushed but I will edit those chapters to give more detail.

Alicon Glactistar